Funny / Alexis Carew

• Alexis's efforts to learn traditional naval terminology in book 1.
  • Alexis is being shown round a starship for the first time, and has just asked what all this Port and Starboard business is about.
    Alexis: Philip, until this morning, I'd never left atmosphere before. And all of this is quite new and confusing to me, so please, do understand.
    Philip: Oh ... all right then. So, the sides of the ship, this here's port, and the other's starboard.
    Alexis: Why can't they just be left and right?
    Philip: Couldn't call them that ... it'd confuse everybody.^note For the unaware, It Makes Sense in Context: port and starboard are specifically the left and right sides of the ship while facing the bow of the vessel, and assigning them those names avoids getting them confused for the speaker's left and right.
  • And:
    Alexis: Is, perhaps 'tradition' a naval term for some sort of insanity, I begin to wonder?
    Mr. Breech: Now that would explain a great deal, wouldn't it, Mister Easely?
  • And also:
    Alexis: (reading the designation of a structural member from a tablet) "Forward-twelve-port, first futtock"? Now you're just making things up!
• Many of Alexis' zingers.
  • Alexis gets annoyed at Midshipman Roland making "gay sailor" Double Entendres at her bunkmate Easely's expense, namely whether he prefers the top or bottom (bunk):
    Roland: Likely the top. Given young Easely, after all. Can't imagine him on top! ... Though I'm a topman, myself, and always will be!
    Alexis: I'm quite sure that Mister Easely would acquit himself with distinction, no matter the position.
    Roland: Mayhap. But you’ll never find me on the bottom, I assure you.
    Alexis: I'm sorry to hear your repertoire is so limited, sir. Perhaps with more experience, you’ll achieve some versatility. (everybody else bursts out laughing)
  • The "limited repertoire" line then proceeds to come back several times after being fed through HMS Merlin's grapevine and undergoing Memetic Mutation. After Daviel Coalson calls her a "stupid bitch":
    Alexis: The very worst thing about being a woman in this Navy is that the insults are so very limited. You men get called all the imaginative ones.
    Bosun: Aye, sir. A quite limited repertoire, these Coalsons have.
• Alexis spends several days leading a prize crew aboard a captured pirate pinnace, Grapple. The pirates briefly retake her during a darkspace storm, but Alexis regains control. Fast forward to the end, and Merlin's crew are reading the Prize Court findings:
  Alexis: "Further, it is found that the taking of the prize Grapple by..." (Beat) "By... the ship Grapple, Midshipman Alexis Carew (Commander, Acting of Grapple)" ... Sir, I don't understand.
  Lieutenant Ames: Ha!
  Lieutenant Caruthers: Well, if you've gotten the jest, Ames, please do help the rest of us along. For I do admit, I am perplexed.
  Ames: Then you've no true appreciation for the absurdity of the Prize Court, lieutenant! Go on, Carew, read the next bit and they'll get it!
  Alexis: "By the ship Grapple, Midshipman Alexis Carew (Commander, Acting of Grapple), there being no other ships In Sight at the time of the Action..."
  Roland: Hell! (Caruthers burst out laughing)
  Ames: Ha! You've got it now, eh?
  Easely: There's no mention of Merlin.
  Caruthers: No. The bloody Prize Court's gone and bolloxed up the reports! They've got our Mister Carew commanding a ship that took itself!
• In Privateer, a New London lieutenant doesn't recognize Alexis since, being a reservist on half-pay, she's out of uniform. He just sees a pretty young woman drinking alone and so his mind naturally goes to picking her up with all sorts of double entendres about caressing the ship's guns. Alexis pretends to be responsive to his flirtations... then springs the captain's Pop Quiz of a midshipman on him. He's flabbergasted, and then the whole crowd, having heard Alexis use the "captain's voice" on him, bursts out laughing when she informs him he's dismasted.
  Lt. Couchman: You... you bitch!
  Alexis: Dear Lord, man, go and see your bosun for a proper curse, will you not? (he starts to leave) Oh, Mister Couchman? (he stops) Do think of me as you caress that great gun tonight, will you?
• The Bawdy Song that appears as chapter headers in The Queen's Pardon is as funny as only a proper Bawdy Song can be. Even the Queen thinks it's hilarious.

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