Funny / A Feast for Crows

• The story of how Asha lost her virginity to a man who "only spoke six words of the Common Tongue. Fuck was one of them."
• Obara gets a Black Comedy moment when she talks about wanting to drive her spear into Tywin's belly and make him sing The Rains of Castamere while pulling his bowels out to look for gold. Due to the order of the chapters, the readers know Tywin is already killed by Tyrion in the toilet while moving his bowels.
• Tywin's corpse seems to smile as a result of his rotting flesh, which causes him to grin. Some say he looks he Died Happily Ever After, but to Jaime seems he's laughing at them.
  Jaime's thoughts: He seems to enjoy being dead.
• Loras and Jaime discussing the White Book, and everything else in that conversation. Jaime had mentally compared Loras to himself before, now he sees that the young man has as little patience for pretensions as him too.
  Jaime: (discussing Loras' jousting) A more modest man might have answered 'My lord is too kind,' or 'I had a good mount.'
  Loras: The horse was adequate, and my lord is as kind as I am modest.
• Cersei has become so used to everybody knowing about her and Jaime that she starts to forget that it's still technically supposed to be a secret (and that that secret is the only reason Tommen (her son) is still sitting on the Iron Throne). Forgetting leads her into funny ass-covering moments, like when she tells the Tyrells that Tommen will be a great jouster like his father, and then has to backtrack and scramble to remember if Robert ever actually won any jousts.
• Tommen declaring he wants to outlaw beets when he becomes a king in his own right.
• Arya and the kindly man get one in the House of Black and White.
  The priest lowered his cowl. Beneath he had no face; only a yellowed skull with a few scraps of skin still clinging to the cheeks, and a white worm wriggling from one empty eye socket. "Kiss me, child," he croaked, in a voice as dry and husky as a death rattle.
  • She proceeds to grab for the worm and try to eat it, only for it to dissolve in her hands as he takes off the face. The kindly man is amused. "No one has ever tried to eat my worm before."
• Brienne tells Nimble Dick about a legendary figure from Tarth, Ser Galladon of Morne, who was given an enchanted, undefeatable sword called the Just Maid, but almost never used it in battle because it would be unfair. Nimble Dick laughs over the story and imagines him as a severed head on a shelf at the Whispers after losing a fight with Dick's own legendary ancestor Clarence Crabb, saying to all the other heads, "I should have used the magic sword! I should have used the bloody sword!" which actually makes Brienne smile. Thinking of this later prompts her to ask Podrick to retrieve Oathkeeper from her saddlebags, before entering the ruins of the Whispers, and it proves most useful for her when the Bloody Mummers ambush them.
• Bronn's ever more jaw-droppingly brazen rise to power.
  • To elaborate, Cersei arranges for Bronn to have an unfortunate accident with her underlings, Ser Balman and Lady Falyse. Instead, Balman challenges to a jousting match on horseback (thinking that Bronn, not having any jousting experience, will get knocked off his horse and can be killed while he's lying stunned on the ground), only for Bronn to kill Balman's horse instead and kill him while he's lying stunned on the ground. Bronn then kicks out Lady Falyse. Note that this is after Bronn has named his adopted son "Tyrion" when it would be suicide to do so, and has gotten away with it.
  • When Lady Falyse goes crying to Cersei about this, Cersei is so exasperated that she forgets about Bronn and tosses Lady Falyse in the really nasty part of the dungeon.
  • There is a reason why this moment appears on the Moment of Awesome page as well as this one.
• When Cersei and Jaime find out Bronn married Lollys and named her newborn child after Tyrion:
  Jaime: (laughs) There you are, sweet sister. You have been looking everywhere for Tyrion, and all the time he's been hiding in Lollys's womb.
• There's an unintentional one on the part of the waif when she's learning the Common Tongue from Arya:
  Waif: You lie. You must lie gooder.
  Arya: (laughs) Gooder? You mean better, stupid.
  Waif: Better stupid. I will show you.
• Arya meets the Kindly Man, the apparent head of the Faceless Men and asks him if he can teach her to change her face. He tells her to puff her cheeks and stick out her tongue, and when she does, tells her, "There, your face has changed."
• Jaime's inner thoughts on having the mute Ilyn travel with him:
  The perfect companion for a long ride. I will enjoy his conversation.
• Shitmouth exclaiming, "Well, bugger me with a bloody spear!" on seeing the legendary Kingslayer. Jaime immediately requests someone hand Ser Ilyn a spear so he can shove it up the man's ass.
  Shitmouth: (eying the spear) Get away from me with that thing!
  Jaime: Well, make up your mind.
• Amerei Frey mentions how her father was hung by outlaws. Her Grammar Nazi mother corrects it to "hanged", saying "Your father was not a tapestry."
• At Castle Darry, Steffon Swyft re-fought the Battle of King's Landing with bread and nuts and carrots.
• When Amerei tells Jaime how Ser Harwyn planned to give her Beric Dondarrion's head, Jaime remembers how he presented Pia with the head of a man who tried to rape her, and imagines Tyrion saying "Whatever became of giving women flowers?"
• Septon Meribald hoping that the Quiet Isle people have more interesting sins to confess since his last visit, even joking that his companion Dog was bored by what he heard the last time.
• Lancel was told to marry Gatehouse Ami because she'd win over the Darry smallfolk. His and Jaime's cousin Daven asks Jaime "How, by fucking them?"
• Jaime's whole visit to the Frey camp is hilarious. He strolls in like a boss, interrupts Lord Ryman, and explains the small flaw in his brilliant plan to him:
  Frey: I gave the Blackfish warning. I told him Edmure would die unless the castle yielded. I had this gallows built, to show them that Ser Ryman Frey does not make idle threats. At Seaguard my son Walder did the same with Patrek Mallister and Lord Jason bent the knee, but... the Blackfish is a cold man. He refused us, so...
  Jaime: ...you hanged Lord Edmure?
  Frey: My lord grandfather... if we hang the man, we have no hostage, ser. Have you considered that?
  Jaime: Only a fool makes threats he's not prepared to carry out. If I were to threaten to hit you unless you shut your mouth, and you presumed to speak, what do you think I'd do?
  Frey: Ser, you do not underst-
  Jaime: <backhands him, knocking him sprawling>
  • The backhand in question being with his golden hand.
  • Then he deposes Ryman, sends him home, and tells his son Edwyn that he's now in charge, provided he tries not to be as much of an idiot as his father. It seems like Jaime's picking up the Lannister awesome/funny slack while Tyrion is busy being all drunk and depressed.
    • When Jaime tells Edwyn Frey to do a better job than his father, Edwyn's response is pretty funny as well:
    "That ought not pose much difficulty, my lord."
  • The exchange between Jaime and Ryman's Camp Follower wearing Robb's crown:
    Woman: I'm the queen.
    Jaime: My sister will be surprised to hear that.
    Woman: Lord Ryman crowned me his very self. (shakes her hips) I'm the queen o'whores.
    Jaime's thoughts: No, my sweet sister holds that title too.
• Jaime attempts to follow in his father's footsteps, and intimidate Edmure Tully by having a minstrel play "The Rains of Castamere". Edmure reacts appropriately (Jaime actually thinks it's an over-reaction), but rather than being spooked by the song, which is usually the case, Edmure demonstrates Skewed Priorities, as his reaction is because the minstrel Jaime had play it once wrote a derisive song about Edmure being unable to get it up.
  • There's also Dramatic Irony value in that the audience learns that the minstrel in question, Tom O'Sevens, belongs to a group of outlaws who are exacting revenge on Freys and Lannisters, and it's implied from some of Tom's comments that Jaime just moved up his position on the "going to get hanged" list.
• In a nice bit of Black Comedy, Cersei's bounty on Tyrion's head results in several unscrupulous individuals murdering random dwarfs and at least one child. After the umpteenth wrong head being brought to her, Cersei angrily asks Lady Merryweather just how many dwarfs could there possibly be. Lady Merryweather replies, "Fewer than there were."
  • According to Cersei, one attempted liar forgot Tyrion didn't have a nose anymore. The man quickly tried claiming a hedge wizard grew it back.
• Emmon Frey's going on about how Tommen has made him Lord of Riverrun and waving around the letter about this is hilarious. Along with his complaints about attacking Riverrun as it will damage his property. Then his wife telling him "The stableboys know about the King's decree." Then, when he finally has Riverrun he makes a speech for about three hours on him being Lord, continuing to wave his paper around. The minstrel says Emmon should have been a singer: "This speech is longer than a marcher ballad, and I don't think he's stopped for breath", and says he'll make a song about it called "Talking to the Fish".
• This bit of Margaery Tyrell's description of her imprisonment.
  They will not even let me sleep. They wake me to demand confessions. Last night I confessed to Septa Unella that I wished to scratch her eyes out.
• From a group of mummers trying to put on Seven Drunken Oarsmen after two of their troupers have left:
  "We shall strive to make up in drunkenness what we lack in oarsmen. I for one am equal to the task."
• Arianne flirting with Arys after sex.
  Arianne: "Are you certain you are not off to some other bed, some other woman? Tell me who she is. I will fight her for you, bare-breasted, knife to knife. Unless she is a Sand Snake. If so, we can share you. I love my cousins well."
  Arys: "You know I have no other woman. Only... duty."
  Arianne: "That poxy bitch? I know her. Dry as dust between the legs, and her kisses leave you bleeding."
  • Earlier on in the same scene, Arys walks into the room, all ready to tell Arianne that he can't see her anymore... and then she steps out of the shadows in the buff and he absolutely forgets how to say words.
• When Brienne and Ser Hyle Hunt stop at the Crossroads Inn, the new innkeep is ten-year-old Willow, a junior Apron Matron who bosses around the other children (even Gendry, who is at least 6 years older than she) and rules the inn with an iron fist.
  Ser Hyle Hunt: One day, that little girl will make some man a frightful wife. That poor ’prentice boy (Gendry), most like.
• When Cersei allows Tommen to name 5 ships in the new royal fleet, he actually chooses Moon Boy as one of his names. It's only after he is dissuaded from his original choice that he reluctantly names one after his sister instead. The other four? Queen Margaery, Golden Rose, Lord Renly, and Lady Olenna.
• Jaime recalling his first time visiting Riverrun as a squire: since Tywin and Lord Hoster were, unbeknownst to Jaime, trying to arrange a marriage between him and Lysa, Hoster insisted on sitting Jaime beside Lysa at every meal...only for Jaime to all but ignore Lysa in favour of badgering her uncle, Brynden Tully, one of Jaime's boyhood heroes, for stories about his exploits in the War of the Ninepenny Kings.
• Jaime has a mostly one-sided conversation with Ser Ilyn Payne about how to respond to Cersei's cheating on him. Ser Ilyn suggests (through charades) killing everyone involved and smiles creepily. Jaime responds "You Talk Too Much!"
• Asha offers to back Victarion before the Kingsmoot if he would be willing to share power with her. Victarion isn't sure what she means, and has to remind himself what incest is:
  "Share the rule? How could that be?" The woman was not making sense. Does she want to be my queen? Victarion found himself looking at Asha in a way he had never looked at her before. He could feel his manhood beginning to stiffen. She is Balon's daughter, he reminded himself. He remembered her as a little girl, throwing axes at a door. He crossed his arms against his chest. "The Seastone Chair seats but one."
• This exchange after Jaime commands the Freys turn over the prisoners they took at the Red Wedding to crown custody:
  Edwyn Frey: My father will expect compensation.
  Jaime's thoughts: And he'll have it as soon as I grow a new hand.
• A bit of Black Comedy from Cersei when Lancel complains to her that he is being obligated to marry one of Walder Frey's granddaughters.
  Cersei's thoughts: Best not let her Lord grandfather host the wedding.
• When the Small Council is discussing Gregor's fate:
  Harys Swift: He is dead, then? Ser Gregor?
  Aurane Waters: I would think so, my lord. I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal.
• One of Jamie's squires names his two horses Honor and Glory. Later, when Jaime is exchanging words with the Blackfish:
  Brynden Tully: Do you even know what honor is?
  Jaime's thoughts: A horse.
• Rather darkly humorous Black Comedy, but Ser Bonifer Hasty has spotless reputation as a very pious, chaste and very chivalrous knight and the company he founded shares that reputation. In comparison, Jaime's knightly reputation is as dark as they come, being a Kingslayer who killed the king he was sworn to protect and accused of incest with his sister. Then comes the scene with rape survivor peasant girl Pia and it is Jaime who lets her join on his travels, treats her with respect, encourages his squire to treat her like a highborn lady and protects her while Hasty blames her for being raped, calls her a whore and a temptress and kicks her out of the only home she ever knew to her extremely likely death, what with coming winter. Irony so thick you can eat it with a spoon.

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