No, Really!
Real Men is a 1987 Action-Comedy starring James Belushi and John Ritter.
The film opens on a dark night, where Agent Pillbox is shot and killed by rogue agents, and a map he was carrying is stolen. The map leads to a rendezvous point with aliens, and this was a dress rehearsal which just saw the contact with the extraterrestrials murdered in cold blood
The map is subsequently retrieved by Loose Cannon Nick Pirandello (Belushi). He is told to collect an Identical Stranger for Pillbox, a milquetoast insurance agent by the name of Bob Wilson (Ritter), to help with the negotiations.
While saving Bob from rogue agents assigned to kill him, Nick explains that something was accidentally dumped into the ocean that would start a chain reaction that would result in the death of all life on Earth in five years time. The "UFOs" (which Nick pronounces as "You-Foes") will give Earth either "The Good Package" which will undo the chain reaction and save everyone, or "The Big Gun", a weapon that can blow up a planet.
Nick spends a good deal of time trying to build up Bob's confidence while rogue agents of the CIA and rival agents from the KGB seek to stop the trade and obtain "The Big Gun".
Real Men contains Examples of:
- Awesome by Analysis: A quick check of footprints near his car informs Nick that his car has been rigged to explode, which he tests by hitting it with a piece of gravel.
- Black Guy Dies First: Zig-zagged. The one black agent who shows up towards the end of the film is one of the last casualties, but he's the one who.
- Blatant Lies:
- Bob to Nick.
Nick: Is my presence here upsetting you?Bob: (shaky and high pitched) Hell no!- Nick isn't above these either. He was instructed to build up Bob's confidence, and a lot of that involves bald-facedly lying about how well he's doing. Also, earlier when dealing with The Mole:
Nick: They didn't get the map. That was a note telling them that I know who their leaders are and that they should give up.CIA Director: And who are their leaders?Nick: (shrug) I have no idea. note - Brick Joke: Trying to prove to Bob that the aliens are real, Nick hammers a pen they gave him through a baseball, then when that doesn't work, he activates it's homing mode, sending it, still in the baseball, into space. Nick says the aliens might believe he's in trouble, or, he worries, that they'd think he didn't like the pen. When Bob meets the aliens, it turns out they thought Nick wanted to teach them baseball, which they say they're enjoying. They also return the pen and give Bob one of his own.
- Catchphrase: Nick has "Don't make a big thing out of it." Later adopted by Bob as he gains more confidence.
- Cold-Blooded Torture: Zigzagged. Twice.
- Nick confronts a rogue agent about the map hand off, demanding to know where the map is going to be. When the agent refuses to tell him, Nick forces him to swallow something, which he tells the agent is the new 607 "Painful Death Kit". The guy caves, gives him the information, and begs for the antidote. It is at this point that Nick reveals it was just a button from the agent's shirt, and cold cocks him.
- When Bob refuses to come along on the mission, Nick douses the car he's sitting in with gasoline and pulls out a lighter. Predictably, Bob also caves.
- Disproportionate Retribution: At the end of the film, Bob roughs up the guys who stole his son's bike (to be fair, they'd done the same to him earlier in the film), then asks Nick if he had engaged in this trope. Nick assures him the situation called for a little force, and he used a little force, the appropriate amount.
- Fake-Out Make-Out: One agent finds Pirandello on top of a naked woman. Pirandello then turns around and shoots the guy. He thanks the woman for her service, and she asks if he'd like her to do it again.
- Fighting Clown: A whole squad of them, and according to Nick, they're some of the deadliest killers in the world.
- Gasoline Dousing: When Bob refuses to get out of the car, Nick persuades him by dousing it in gasoline.
- Guile Hero: Nick is very good at convincing others to do what he needs them to. (See spoilers under Cold-Blooded Torture)
- Impressed by the Civilian: CIA operative Nick Pirandello becomes impressed over time with Everyman Bob Wilson, an Identical Stranger stand-in for a murdered agent, when he willingly returns to the mission of his own accord.Bob: You saw that? But...you didn't say anything.Nick: You came back, Bob. A lot of guys would have kept running.
- MacGyvering: Nick is actually good at this. He uses his boot laces to make a lasso to allow him to swing off of a fire escape, and he makes a makeshift machine gun using various parts in Bob's garage.
- Oh, Crap!: Nick's reaction to an attack by a Clown squad.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: Attempted by Bob to Nick.Nick: You know what? I've never even been to college.Bob: And you never will! (his rake is stuck in the cabinet, and he falls face first) ... Unless you apply yourself...
- Running Gag: Bob is made to believe that pointing his finger as a gun and shouting "Bang!" is actually helpful and may be due to the "UFOs helping them.
- Smoking Hot Sex: Bob learns that Nick smokes only after sex. Bob says that at least Nick doesn't smoke that often. Nick says it's about a pack a day.Bob: A pack a day! That'll kill you!Nick: Bob, it won't kill you. But it will make you very sore. note
- Took a Level in Badass: Nick turns Bob from a pathetic milquetoast to someone who can stare down much larger men, coldcock a highly trained CIA clown (literally a clown), and retrieve his son's bike from some neighborhood toughs. He also decks the mailman who's been making unwanted advances on his wife.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Nick loves "Happy Pies".
- Wave-Motion Gun: One of the possible options that the aliens can provide.
- Whip of Dominance: Nick Pirandello meets a meek-looking young woman at a bar and accepts an invite to her place, where he finds her in dominatrix gear and cracking a whip saying, "On your knees, worm!" The ensuing scene is a montage of her subjecting him to various other forms of S&M, but whipping is the most prominent. Later, after the session is over, he asks her when it's his turn, and she replies, "This is your turn!"
