Fanfic / Three Badasses in Westeros

Three Badasses in Westeros is a A Song of Ice and Fire fanfiction by Worffan101.

When noted badass Audie Murphy fell asleep during a showing of To Hell and Back, he certainly didn't expect to wake in the middle of an incredibly cold land, next to fellow badasses Simo "The White Death" Häyhä and Aarne "The Terror of Morocco" Juutilainen, much less joining the household of Eddard Stark, Lord Paramount of the North.

This fanfiction has six parts: Emme tiedä, missä olemme. Mutta olemme kunnossa sen kanssa!, Emme vielä tiedä, missä olemme, mutta se on kunnossa! Olemme tottuneet siihen nyt., Joffrey Waters menee Seinään!, Seikkailut Joffrey Waters seinällä! and Tyyntä myrskyn and Ramsay Snow gets his ass killed by Lady Death.

A side series, Two Badasses in Essos chronicles "Mad Jack" Churchill and Milunka Savić as they join and begin reforming the Dothraki horde for Viserys Targaryen, while Reinhard Heydrich installs a dictatorship in Qarth.

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This fanfic has examples of:

• Action Girl:
  • What Eddard plans to turn Sansa into. After all, she will probably need the lessons on self-defense - and of how to use her brains. Aarne begins her training by having her punch through a wood plank.
  • And of course Lyudmila Pavlichenko, AKA, Lady Death.
• Actually Pretty Funny: Tywin Lannister nearly laughs when he hears that Eddard and Catelyn got it on in Littlefinger's brothel.
• A Dog Named "Dog": Iso koira, the direwolf mother that Simo bonded with, is literally named "Big Dog" in Finnish.
• And There Was Much Rejoicing: The general reaction at AlternateHistory.com (where the story was first written on) to Audie Murphy punching the daylights out of Joffrey and getting away with it in Part 1 (it's actually a tag in the story!).
  • Sandor's reaction when he hears Simo blew Gregor's head off.
• Bedmate Reveal: Catelyn once woke up to find Iso koira in bed with her and Ned and licking her face.
• Berserk Button: Simo has a big one: harming a dog - he was a dog breeder in Real Life. For Audie, that and harming women. Neither take the fact that Iso koira had been forced into Beastly Bloodsports very well.
• Big Friendly Dog: Iso koira the direwolf mother, who takes to follow Catelyn. While she first scares Tyrion, later he is just annoyed at the fact that Iso koira loves to have her head scratched, and will jump to lick his face if given the chance. While Cat appreciates the loyalty, she's also pretty annoyed a wolf the size of a pony insists on sleeping across her legs and waking her up with a tongue bath.
• Bilingual Bonus: The titles, of course. If you want to know what they mean: We do not know where we are. But we're fine with it!, We still do not know where we are, but it's okay! We are used to it now., Joffrey Waters at the Wall!, The Adventures of Joffrey Waters at the Wall! and The Calm before the Storm.
  • Being Finnish, both Aarne and Simo like using their language. Simo, for example, takes the quest to insult Littlefinger as much as possible without getting caught.
  • During Lyudmila Pavlichenko's POVs, she says a few sentences in Ukrainian.
• Boom, Headshot!: Simo Häyhä's preferred killing method. It fells the Mountain, among many others.
• Bring It: Jaime to the White Walker he meets in a ranging.
• Butt-Monkey: Joffrey. As the author says, he just hates him. At the Wall, everybody loves to see him getting humilliated: they are making bets on how long until he dies, and have put an unofficial guard just to make sure no one kills him for the sake of the bet.
• Character Development: Thanks to Aarne Juutilainen daring Robert to shake of all the fat. the once-depressed king is now starting to find it in himself to improve both physically and mentally. He's still a Boisterous Bruiser, but he's taken in a more active role when it comes to being on the Iron Throne as well as his physique slowly but surely becoming how it once was back in his rebellion days. When Lysa holds Catelyn and Tyrion hostage, it riles up both the usually collected Tywin and Ned, with Robert being the only one who actually kept his composure and proposing an alternative idea to all-out war when both Lord Paramounts were about to call for their banners to attack.
• Cosmic Chess Game: The Swan of Tuonela admits to Häyhä the Badasses entered Westeros for this reason. He also admits it's mostly for prestige.
• Covert Pervert: Littlefinger.
• Dare to Be Badass: Aarne Juutilainen basically dares the slob Robert to become a man again and shake off all his fat, and Robert accepts.
• David Versus Goliath: Subverted. No matter how good a sniper you are, fighting a guy that towers over and outweighs you in hand-to-hand isn't likely to come out well. Fortunately, Simo will recover to learn the lesson.
• Death Glare: According to Robert Baratheon (who was, thankfully, not its objective), if glares started fires, Audie Murphy's glare would be the epicenter of a continent-wide inferno.
  • Littlefinger notes something similar in Simo Häyhä.
• Deconstructed Trope: In universe, Eddard does this for Sansa, pointing out that the stories and songs are always missing many things.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: Jaime Lannister kills a White Walker with an obsidian razor, which not only allows him to warn the Watch about the incoming threat, but also helps them determine the White Walkers' main weakness. He does, however, lose his hand, and Qhorin Halfhand plus a bunch of other Watchers die.
• Didn't See That Coming: Explicitly stated by Sandor Clegane when he sees Robert not falling for Mace Tyrell's trap in the form of his daughter.
• Drill Sergeant Nasty: Aarne Juutilainen takes this attitude during Robert's training, sparing no insult towards the King and pushing the man to the limit. Unlike the typical example, Robert enjoys it. Word of God is that Robert's main problem was a lack of discipline, which Juutilainen has no problem in providing.
• Ear Ache: How Alliser Thorne makes Joffrey get into the stables to clean them.
• Evil-Detecting Dog: Iso koira, but not in the usual way. She takes quite a liking to Tyrion, which would have been a good clue for Catelyn in regards to his character.
• Exactly What It Says on the Tin: Well, at least until a fourth Badass appears, Lyudmila Pavlichenko.
• Face Palm: Jaime after Cersei tries to excuse Joffrey's misbehavior at the worst time (getting Sansa so drunk she almost died).
• Facial Horror: One of Simo Häyhä's most striking features is the fact that the left half of his face is heavily damaged, from when he took an explosive round to the face back on Earth.
• Friendly Sniper: Three guesses, and the first two don't count. Simo Häyhä, if you missed the clues.
• Genre Savvy: Simo Häyhä dislikes Littlefinger on sight.
• The Grim Reaper: The Swan of Tuonela serves this for every Finn. He's pretty annoyed at Häyhä for being the most troublesome soul he's had to deal with. Ever.
• Groin Attack: Simo Häyhä sort-of-accidentally castrates Littlefinger while struggling with him.
• "Hey, You!" Haymaker: Audie Murphy against a would-be raper. He figured that warning the guy a quarter of a second before knocking him out was enough of a warning.
• How Dare You Die on Me!: Lyudmila on Simo after the guy gets hit in the head.
• Humble Hero: Audie Murphy and Simo Häyhä, in spades. Truth in Television, too.
• Infinite Supplies: Lyudmila discovers, shocked, that her (and, presumably, the other Badasses') ammo supplies are still full, even after the fighting she has gone through.
• Insult of Endearment: it is obvious that Lyudmila and Audie, even though they call each other "Commie" and "Capitalist degenerate", like each other. Lyudmila also calls Simo "Finnish сучий син".
• Know When to Fold Them: After Littlefinger reveals the Lannincest, Jaime seems looks ready to fight his way out, but, with the Three Badasses, Robert Baratheon and Eddard Stark in the same room, he decides it is not worth it and confesses in order to get sent to the Wall and save Cersei and the children.
• Making Love in All the Wrong Places: It is implied (and later confirmed by Word of God) that Eddard and Catelyn had sex when they met at Littlefinger's brothel. Catelyn becomes pregnant out of that encounter.
• Megaton Punch: For being way shorter than the mean, Audie Murphy packs quite a punch.
• Memetic Badass: In-Universe, the Badasses, particularly Murphy. As Lyudmila puts it; "He took down a Hitlerite tank division by himself, he is not a mortal man!" The author explicitly claims he is/was an avatar of Kratos.
• Mythology Gag: Jaime loses a hand.
• Names to Run Away from Really Fast: The White Death. The Terror of Morocco. Lady Death. I'm sensing a pattern...
• Never My Fault: As typical for Royal Brat Joffrey, he tries to say that that it was Sansa's fault she almost got alcohol poisoning on the strongwine he kept pushing on her.
• No-Sell: Mace Tyrell attempts to entice Robert to marry Margaery. Robert, while he does comment on her beauty, just says whoever marries her will be lucky.
• "Not So Different" Remark: Jaime points this out between himself and Jon Snow.
• Odd Friendship: Audie Murphy and Sandor Clegane. In fact, Audie's idealism starts to rub off on Sandor...
• Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Samwell Tarly kicking Joffrey's ass for trying to bully his brother Tommen.
• Only Sane Man: You can imagine how bad things are when Robert Baratheon has to become this in a room that has Eddard Stark and Tywin Lannister. Robert mentally lampshades the situation.
• O.O.C. Is Serious Business: The fact that Tywin actually feels pride for Tyrion's actions is quite unnerving for the former.
• Pet the Dog: When they are held in the Sky Cells, and even though she got them (indirectly) in the mess, Tyrion makes sure to give most of the food they are given to Catelyn, since she is pregnant.
• Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Truth in Television. Audie Murphy was 5'6, Simo Häyhä was 5'3. The former ate Nazis for breakfast, and the latter delivered headshots regularly.
• Poirot Speak: Simo Häyhä.
• Professional Butt-Kisser: Mace Tyrell.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: Eddard agrees with Tywin that Catelyn should not have taken Tyrion - the only thing he disagrees with is when he starts to insult her - and will do his job so that the Crown's debts to the Lannisters are paid.
• Refuge in Audacity: Simo Häyhä singing the Finnish anthem while doing what he does best on the Mountain and his men.
• Royal Brat: Joffrey, of course. That attitude does not help at all at the Wall.
• Self-Deprecation: Non-humorous example, when Robert acknowledges he has been a horrible father, friend and King.
• Self-Imposed Challenge: How many times can you insult one of the most powerful men in Westeros without getting caught? That's what Simo Häyhä intends to find out.
• Shell-Shocked Veteran: Robert Baratheon. As Aarne Juutilainen puts it, "A man comes home from war, and he knows nothing but war."
• Shout-Out: In part 4, Tyrion aska a man dressed in Arryn tabards "Aren't you a little short for a guardsman?". Of course, it is someone (Audie Murphy) that has come to rescue him and Catelyn.
• Sibling Rivalry: Stannis and Renly. Instead of fighting for the throne, they just squabble like children over Renly's (lack of) work as Master of Laws.
• Side Bet: Lots going on at the Wall. Joffrey has a standing one on himself, over how long he will survive.
• Sniper Duel: Between Simo Häyhä and Lyudmila Pavlichenko. Simo wins by keeping her busy until his allies can sneak up on her and subdue her.
• Stating the Simple Solution: When Tywin threatens to go to war against the Vale after Lysa Arryn kidnapped Tyrion (and Catelyn) and Ned is actually willing to support him, it is Robert that has to come up with the far less costly (and smarter) idea of sending the Badasses (replacing Aarne with Sandor) to rescue them.
• Stunned Silence: Even Simo and Aarne, badasses that they are, are speechless when they hear of Audie's crowning achievement - holding off an entire tank regiment with only a busted tank of his own while having malaria.
• Underestimating Badassery:
  • Jaime Lannister scoffs at the idea that Simo Häyhä is as good as the Winterfell men claim. He is dumbfounded when he sees that not only were they selling the guy short, but Simo acts as it were unimportant.
  • From the side-story in Essos, Milunka Savić finds herself slightly in over her head when she accepts a trial by combat, expecting an easy win, only to find her opponent to be a mountain of a man with a lifetime of knife-fight victories over his body. Luckily, a noble with more balls than brains leaves the outcome between the two of them unresolved.
• The Unsmile: Several note that Aarne's smiles feel more like he's just showing his teeth.
• Villainous Breakdown: Tywin Lannister after Jaime confirms that he has been sleeping with Cersei and that Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen are all bastards. Enough that he proceeds to cut Littlefinger's throat.
• Wham Episode: In Part 2, it turns out that Lyudmila "Lady Death" Pavlichenko has also appeared in Westeros.
• Wrong Genre Savvy: Littlefinger thought he would be able to bribe Simo Häyhä.
• You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!: Robert's reaction when Joffrey said Sansa getting so drunk she almost died was her fault - when it was him that kept giving her strongwine.