The Very Secret Diaries
by
Cassandra Claire are a
comical retelling of
The Lord of the Rings films in diary form, in the rough style of the
Bridget Jones books. They also owe a little something to Maurice Baring's 1913 series
Lost Diaries of various famed historical and fantasy personages.
Tropes featured include:
- 30 Minutes, or It's Free!: Theoden orders Wormtongue from a minion-delivery service that promises a free orc if the minion doesn't arrive within ninety minutes.
- Ass Shove: In Boromir's section.
Day Four: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...
- Brick Joke: Gandalf spitting gum down on the orcs from the top of Orthanc.
- Color-Coded Wizardry: In addition to the canonical The Lord of the Rings colored wizards, Saruman is corresponding with Manfred the Slightly Ecru. He also grumbles about having decided to be the White, as it makes his laundry more difficult.
- Cool and Unusual Punishment: Sauron forces Gollum to watch bad movies.
- Dead Fic: Abandoned in the middle of The Two Towers.
- Did I Just Say That Out Loud?: Sam wonders this after thinking/writing "Mr. Frodo far too hot to die."
- Either "World Domination", or Something About Bananas: Legolas mutters something Elvish to Aragorn that might be "You're late," or possibly "Throw me down and shag me rotten." It was the second option.
- Everyone Is Gay: Except Gimli, who gets stuck "comforting" a certain love interest while a certain Heir of Isildur is distracted with the rest of the Fellowship.
Aragorn: My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.
- Noodle Implements: Merry's carrot. Gandalf's pointy hat.
- Oblivious to Love: Frodo is oblivious to just about everyone's love for most of his diary, as he believes that everyone is after the Ring. He runs off to Mordor when he figures it out.
- Overly Narrow Superlative: Legolas makes Pippin say he's the prettiest elf in the Fellowship; Pippin diplomatically doesn't point out that he's the only elf in the Fellowship.
- Pun: The Gap of Rohan. (There isn't one, as it turns out. Not even a Banana Republic!)
- Running Gag:
- Sam will kill anyone who tries anything with Frodo.
- "Go me."
- "Still not King."
- Shipper on Deck: Gollum tried to play The Matchmaker between the Balrog and Gandalf. Needless to say, it did not go very well.
- Stupid Sexy Flanders: Boromir to Aragorn.
I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.
- Terse Talker: Is v. much the style everyone writes in. Because it parodies Bridget Jones.
