Fanfic / snipers solve 99% of all problems

snipers solve 99% of all problems is a crossover fanfiction between Harry Potter and Fullmetal Alchemist written by silentwalrus. General Olivier Armstrong has received a request from Amelia Bones for aid in dealing with Voldemort and his Death Eaters. What follows is probably best described as hilarious chaos. As the author puts it, “This… is not a serious story. I’m throwing ed elric at wizards. what more could you want.”

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This fanfic provides examples of:

• Abusive Parents: The Dursleys are immediately pegged as this by the Amestrians, and Alphonse describes seeing several cases when he was working with a traveling Xingese doctor.
• Alchemy Is Magic: Which the wizards try to equate with their magic with… mixed results at best.
• A Nazi by Any Other Name: Death Eaters
• Anti-Magic: Ed and Al figure out an array that disables all magic inside of it, which they test by curing Lupin's lycanthropy. It's then used to destroy two Horcruxes in short order. In order to prevent the wizards from getting wary, they say it's specifically attuned to disable dark magic, with it being dubbed a universal curse breaker.
• Arc Number: 7 (Horcruxes and Homunculi)
• Artificial Limbs: Moody, Ed, and Arget.
• Artificial Limbs Are Stronger: Subverted with Moody’s leg but played straight with Ed’s.
• Attack Reflector: Ed winds up making bracers out of carbon for the demonstration, which make visible spells bouncing right off of them.

• Badass Transplant: Ed's Gate of Truth. Since he sacrificed his own to bring Alphonse back to life, Hawkeye donated her own, partially to sever a connection to her father.
• Bait-and-Switch: Played for Laughs when Hermonie confessed to Edward how annoying and impractical it was that the adults weren't telling them anything important just because they weren't "of age" yet despite being directly involved. Ed feels sympathy for her remembering when no one told him anything either back then so, he tries to give her advice on how to deal with it... only for Jones to refute it with his own opinion.
  Edward: Have you tried blackmail?
  Hermonie: I don't- I mean I've had some- ideas, but...
  Edward: Try ‘em. What’ve you got to lose? You can get away with way more right now anyway. Plus if people think you’re a little kid they’re more likely to let you off easy if they catch you. Or at least it’ll look bad on them if they do retaliate.
  Jones: Oh my God, I would try - having an honest conversation, first? Talk to your mom and dad, tell them how it makes you feel to be left in the dark about a situation that closely affects you-
  Edward: Jones, you’re in Intel. Honest conversation? What the hell is Hughes teaching you guys these days?
  Jones: No, no, it’s about escalation- start with no-cost guilt-tripping first, if that doesn’t work then move on to techniques that could damage the relationship.
• Beware the Nice Ones:
  • Everyone except for Harry is surprised at how unexpectedly ruthless and manipulative Hermione can be. Harry just points out that she set Snape on fire in their first year and sucker-punched Malfoy in the face.
  • The Amestrian delegation is purposefully creating this situation around Mustang, by drawing all the attention towards Edward and making people think that the good General is just a politician. His showing of flame alchemy during the demonstration is literally just a party trick, which he and Hughes figured out in order to entertain Hughes' daughter.
• "Blind Idiot" Translation: The mercurial translation rocks translate very literally, and names that sound like words get translated accordingly. Some examples include “dumbell door” (Dumbledore) “loop in” (Lupin) “chaos” (Havoc) and “all metal” (Fullmetal). Then there’s this exchange:
  Ed: Who’s hairy?
  Hermione: Not hairy, Hairy.
  Ed: You just said the same word twice.
  Hermione: Hairy’s our friend. I guess it… sounds like hairy to you.
  Ron: Hairy potter.
  Ed (skeptically): Hairy potter, that’s a rough one.
  Fred and George (Laughing): Hairy ceramics professional!
• Break the Scientist: Ed is on the edge of breaking down at the utter lack of research or even analytical thinking in Wizarding society.
• Child Soldier: Ed, obviously when they learn he's been a soldier in the military since he was twelve, much to the concern and pity of the wizarding adults, and the disbelief and horror of the teens. Mustang privately dislikes continuing to send Ed on these dangerous missions, except this time Fullmetal came back after a generous retirement, and Roy knows that he has no one else with the right mixture of compassion and competence.
• Clueless Chick-Magnet: Edward is utterly unaware that people are attracted to him. It's to the point where Hughes and Alphonse have an ongoing bet, where Hughes gives Al a dollar for every person who winds up attracted to Ed without him noticing.
• Comically Missing the Point: Ed warns Harry, Hermione and Ron to consider the consequences of their actions, since the worst enemy to make among the Amestrians was Mustang, after they had kidnapped Alphonse and attacked Edward in a panic. Case in point, Mustang subtly implies that he would exert pressure to have them more harshly punished next time they do something so stupid, instead of letting them get off with a warning like they have been. Hermione takes this to mean that she should get better at blackmail so they can't be punished next time they do something like that.
• Composite Character: Played for Laughs with Harry's impression of Mustang. Rather than fall for Roy's polite face, he finds him to be like a cross between Snape and Lockhart.
• Court-martialed: Played With. According to Ed, the military can't actually afford to court-martial him because he's too valuable and they know he'll just make a crazy ton of money back in a private sector instead. Well, that and they're afraid he'll deflect to Xing or start a cult somewhere in East City or something.
• Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass:
  • Not so much hidden, but the soldiers all know when to go from "impressive foreign military" to "quirky and somewhat odd normal people". They use this to their advantage in order to get the wizards to open up and give them more information.
  • Edward and Roy are this, though it's more "hidden siege weapon". Despite their eccentric personalities, the two of them are the most dangerous alchemists in Amestris. Ed's transmutations are far more powerful than anyone outside of the unit knows, and despite what he convinces everyone to think, Roy's not a one-trick pony either, having used his ability to perform alchemy without a circle to add multiple skills to his repertoire, from using Chromoly steel to produce firearms to being an expert in atmospheric transmutation. In contrast, Xing is well aware how dangerous Alchemists can be, and so having these two passing through their territory is already pushing it, to the point Roy expects trying to get reinforcements through from Armestris would be refused.
• Culture Clash: Becomes especially prevalent in several chapters; the Amestrians are not just from a different culture, they're also trained soldiers and veterans of war and an actual Apocalypse, while the Order is made up of civilian volunteers and vigilantes who come from an insular society which unconsciously looks down on Muggles.
• Curb-Stomp Battle: Snape gets easily defeated by Ed during the demo, much to the joy of the teenagers in the house, as well as Sirius.
• Deadpan Snarker: As per both canons, half the cast counts
• Déjà Vu: To the horror of the Amestrians, they realize the Wizarding world's terrorist problem is starting to sound pretty familiar.
  Ed: You’ve got a supposedly immortal, extremely powerful individual who has separated himself into seven pieces, at least one of which has been known to act independently and maliciously against you? And he’s after philosopher’s stones?
  Dumbledore: More or less.
  Ed: Anyone else getting a really shit case of deja vu over here?
• Deliberate Values Dissonance: The author uses this to show how the characters from both franchises place different emphasis on events and plans. Usually, this brings them into conflict. Word of God is that Sirius and Edward should be the best of friends in different circumstances, but in the story, they both keep hitting each other's hot buttons unintentionally because of this trope.
• Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: The Wizards are initially shocked at the fact that Edward Elric managed to destroy two Dementors, a feat thought to be outright impossible since the only way the Wizards knew to deal with Dementors was to use the Patronus which is only ever useful to drive them back.
• Dressed to Plunder: Moody, to the point Ed only calls him Pirate.
• Exact Words: Mustang lampshades how Dumbledore is always very careful in exactly what he says so that he isn’t lying, but is misleading.
• Fantastic Racism: Ed is appalled by the enslavement of House Elves.
• Fantastic Science: Alchemy
• Fish out of Water: Every reaction the Amestris Crew has when trying to figure out how magic and the laws for their country even work is because of this trope.
• Genius Bruiser: Ed. Al and Mustang as well, but they hide it better.
• Genius Loci: #12 Grimmauld Place which starts reacting to Ed after he uses alchemy to forcibly fix it.
• I Am Not Left-Handed: Moody was holding back a lot against Ed, wanting to get a better feel for what he was capable of. Later when Ed learnt how extensive it was, and Moody was putting priority in training Harry instead, Ed attacked Moody to force him to show how good he really is.
• Inept Mage: How the Amestrians view all the wizards.
• Intimidation Demonstration:
  • The demonstration in the backyard, where Ed handily beats Snape before Moody surrenders. Although Moody just wanted an idea of what Ed could do.
  • Mustang's demonstration is a lot less "intimidation" and much more of him looking to fly under the radar, with him portraying flame alchemy as just minor party tricks... while also showing off how skilled he is at atmospheric control by perpetually creating and igniting neon in order to draw in the air. He later explains that he and Hughes figured it out in order to entertain Elysia while the two of them were in the hospital.
• Kill It with Fire: The fate of the boggart, and debatably for the dementors, as Ed uses thermite against them.
• La Résistance: The Order of the Phoenix
• Laser-Guided Amnesia: Obliviate, which the Amestrians are horrified to find out is perfectly legal, initially assuming this would be one of the Unforgivables.
• Living Drawing: Wizard Paintings, which Ed swiftly manages to piss off.
• Military Mage: State Alchemists, as the wizards see it.
• Mundane Object Amazement: Ed notices that the wizarding children react this way on the tube.
• The Nicknamer: Edward Elric comes up with several Nicknames to internally-categorize the Witches and Wizards with.
  • Hermione is "Smartypants"
  • Ron is "Not-A-Twin"
  • Ginny is "Redhead"
  • Molly Weasley is "Breakfast Lady"
  • Arthur Weasley is "Baldy"
  • Moody is "Pirate"
  • Lupin is "Mustache"
  • Sirius is "Convict"
  • Snape is "Lemons"
  • Albus is "Beardy"
• No Kill Like Over Kill: The fate of the boggart and the dementors.
• No-Sell: Legilimency on Ed, because of the Gate
• Not Helping Your Case: Practically any time the wizards open their mouths, the Amestrians learn something is even worse than it appears.
• Not Me This Time: After Alphonse heard of Ed using transmutation on Grimmauld Place, he assumed that the grim décor was his brothers' doing.
  Edward: Aha! See, this time, not me, not even a little bit! I changed absolutely no colors and all the creepass shit - the wallpaper, those freaky hooks, that fuckin’, leg thing, whatever that is - that was all there when I got here.
• Oh, Crap!: The Amestrians go through a seemingly never-ending series of this.
• Omake: Just about every chapter's end notes have one or two of these, from Havoc comparing Al to "the most hufflepuff hufflepuff to ever huffle and/or puff taking off its skin to reveal a slytherin goddamn nightmare" to multiple occasions of Al commenting that they get their oddities from their mother and that they'd be just as weird if she was still alive.
  "Al, from thousands of miles away": Pretty sure my brother would be a high-octane thot even without the trauma, but thanks for your kind words.
• One of the Kids: Sirius aims to be this. Unfortunately, his irresponsible attitude causes conflict with the Amestrians, who are taking everything very serious.
• Our Nudity Is Different: Ed fakes this after Moody uses the Imperius curse on Riza to let her hair down.
• Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Edward, without a doubt because unlike Canon where he grew a head taller than Winry by the epilogue- here he still looks like a fifteen-year-old despite being twenty-one now much to his irritation. Especially, when the adult wizards try to treat him like a teenager. Cue Molly trying to seat Ed at the end of the table where the teenagers are much to his clear annoyance. Despite this no one will deny how powerful Ed is- even the wizards become extremely wary of him after he manages to kill two dementors, is hyper-aggressive, defeated Snape in a duel, and cured werewolf-ism.
• Platonic Life-Partners: Ed, Mustang, Hawkeye, and Havoc are this. Even without any romance between them, there's a nickname for them - Mustang's harem of blondes. Havoc also pokes fun at them being each others' "work wives", since, much to Mustang's horror, Hughes is this for him rather than Hawkeye, who actually has Edward as a work wife of her own. Ed, for his part, is very enthusiastic about it.
• Protagonist-Centered Morality: The chapters from Harry and co.'s point of view tend to come off as this. When we see the Amestrians react to their actions, they tend to be unimpressed with what the teens are doing.
• Running Gag: Everyone is attracted to Ed, and he is completely oblivious to it.
• Scientifically Understandable Sorcery: Magic turns out to be qi, except it gives off more obvious signs when wizards use it, so Ed can measure it.
• Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: Yeeaah, while the Wizarding world really believes in self-fulfilling prophecies, it should come to no one's surprise that the Amestrians absolutely hate that concept. When Mustang questioned what exactly is stopping them from delivering the final blow themselves and Dumbledore replies with a prophecy... you could instantly tell how unimpressed they both were. Mustang's remedy for their terrorist problems: Snipers.
• Shipper on Deck: Apparently, there are a bunch of rumors flying around about Mustang and which of his subordinates he's in a relationship with, enough that he's infamous for his "harem of blondes" - Hawkeye, Havoc, and Elric. Hughes notes that his tendency to call people by pet names certainly doesn't help, and Roy himself says that trying to hide their familiarity really doesn't work after organizing and leading a coup together.
• Shot at Dawn: Years ago in Amestris, the punishment for gold counterfeiters used to be death. The only reason they decided to change the penalty to seven years of military service was that it actually takes good control to turn lead into gold. If you don't put too much energy into you can't exhaust yourself by just dumping energy into the array. So, according to the military, alchemists who display enough talent to keep it efficient and are bold enough to actually do it could be useful to the military and it'd be a plain waste to just throw them in front of a firing squad.
• Social Services Does Not Exist: Lampshaded by Ed and Mustang when they talk about Harry’s home life.
• Spared By Adaptation: Unlike Canon where Envy killed Hughes straightaway, here he only fell in a deep coma and recently awakened after Father and all of his homunculi were defeated.
• Translator Microbes: The reason the Amestrians don't have to struggle to learn a whole new language for this assignment is because of a little thing called a translation rock. Although, that doesn't stop them from thinking how unnatural it is in their book that should allow them to translate languages from a small rock of all things. It's not exactly perfect translation, either. See "Blind Idiot" Translation above.
• Underestimating Badassery:
  • The Wizards towards all the Amestrians. They dismiss firearms as a viable danger, have a poor grasp of what Alchemy can actually do, and they're painfully unaware that the small group of soldiers could decimate an army by themselves, and that Roy is actively planning the the destruction of their government, and replacing it with a more favorable Minister of Magic.
    • Amelia Bones averts this, as she realizes that Roy is the one to be wary of, particularly when she overhears Ed's reaction to Hughes' comment about Roy's demonstration needing a spare city block to level.
  • The Amestrians in turn fail to properly recognize just how powerful Dumbledore is, seeing him as merely a foreign schoolteacher. The wizards work hard to impress this upon them though.
• Unreliable Narrator: Ed. Harry. Sirius.
• Wake Up Fighting: Edward has a bad nightmare while at Black's mansion and Mustang is forced to wake him up from it when he almost transmuted the house in his sleep. Unfortunately, Ed's reflexes kicks in when Mustang tries to wake him up, he pulls wrestling move on him choking him between his legs. Apparently, this isn't the first time Mustang was forced to wake him up from a nightmare either...
• Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: Mustang's first question:
  Dumbledore: Do you not have seers in the Unplottable lands?
  Mustang: No. Not in Amestris. We do, however, have some other notable professions. Are you familiar with the concept of a sniper?
  • When Dumbledore mentions that Voldemort's spirit would still be around if his body died, Mustang is less than impressed, pointing out that he would still be without a body again.
  • It becomes clear that the wizards have no concept as to how dangerous guns can truly be, and just assume they can make a shield charm in time to protect themselves. Harry has a better idea from watching Muggle television, but since the adult wizards are unconcerned, he figures he can be too.
• Wizards Live Longer: To Ed’s bewilderment, considering how little they know about their own abilities. As Ed stated, magic had to come somewhere. At first, he was concerned it came from their own lifespan but thankfully that theory was quickly debunked after learning that they can live longer than regular people.
• You Owe Me: When General Olivier's dear friend from summer camp is having trouble with a terrorist problem in the wizarding world, she calls Mustang in for a favor to clear the mess up.
• Your Normal Is Our Taboo:
  • The Amestrians find out that prostitution is illegal and seemingly non-existent in the Wizarding World.
  • House Elves are something the vast majority of wizards and witches have no trouble with. For the Amestrians, slavery is something even their country under Homunculi rule never descended into, and the idea there is an entire species subject to this, only makes it worse.
• Violence Really Is the Answer:
  • The Amestrians advocate from the start much more violent tactics against the Death Eaters than the Order is used to, for fear of retaliation.
  • Maes proposes putting pressure on the Goblins so they can interfere with the Death Eater's accounts. Bill says this is a horrible idea, but then Maes casually points out that Voldemort successfully threatened the Goblins during the previous war, so they just have to do worse.