Kant-O-Celle Quest is a quest on 4chan's /tg/ board written by Planefag, based on KanColle.
You are Admiral Settle of the US Navy, a survivor of one of the earliest battles against the Abyssals. You have been assigned to Yokosuka Naval Base to work with the Japanese ship girls. You are accompanied by Corporal Hate, your semi-tame Marine minion, and a small group of US Navy ship girls, ranging from the strong and silent USS Arizona, to the spectacularly clumsy USS William D. Porter, to an entire pack of corgis (don't ask). To succeed, you won't just have to command the ship girls on missions, you'll have to help them cope with being human.
The story can be found on the sup/tg/ archive
. Or, you can read just the story posts on Spacebattles. Also compiled PDFs of the main story as of June 2016 are available here, here, here, and here.
Compare Strike Witches Quest, by the same author, another quest about young girls fighting a war against supernatural foes, with a similar tone.
With the latest archived sup/tg/ thread dating back to January 2017, it appears this is now Dead Fic.
Kant-O-Celle Quest provides examples of:
- Adaptation Personality Change: Arizona (originally from Pacific: World War II U.S. Navy Shipgirls) is hit hard with this the most. While she was already a
woobie there, she at least still retained a cheerful and energetic personality, and was also occasionally a Butt-Monkey to boot. This fic...turns her into the complete opposite. - Big Damn Heroes: The USS Iowa's introduction, not unlike her Pacific counterpart.
- Northhampton coming to the rescue of Hornet would be borderline Deus ex Machina if not for Settle deliberately trying to invoke this in response to a preceding Diabolus ex Machina by the abyssals
- Bodyhorror: There's just something just Wrong about Abyssals, As Naka shows with her Abyssalization.
- Bomb Disposal: Settle removes a live 12-inch shell from Arizona's guts. The EOD techs are a little freaked out.
- Bratty Half-Pint: Sammy. She has a lot of fight in her for a destroyer escort, but not an ounce of discipline.
- Bullying a Dragon: A Yakuza tries to make Naka an An Offer You Can't Refuse. It doesn't end well for him.
- Bungled Suicide: Naka once tried to kill herself by ramming an Abyssal light cruiser. She missed and beached herself.
- Came Back Wrong: Part of the issues with Naka is that she believes something went wrong with her summoning causing part of herself to be left behind, the presence of Light Cruiser Oni and her ongoing Abyssalization support the theory. This is also a big reasoning behind the reluctance of some nations in summoning shipgirls of their own due to a fear they may come back on the wrong side.
- Chronic Hero Syndrome: Settle tends to fall into this whenever the girls get into trouble.
- Combat Breakdown: Many of the ship battles work out as this as forces and units get depleted and damage piles up on both sides. The Battle of Los Angeles between Higgins and the Ironclad left a heavily damaged Higgins making ineffective pot shots at a crippled but still well armored Ironclad.
- Conspicuous Trenchcoat: Yamato wears one in her first appearance.
- Crossover: Iowa and Arizona, to name a few, are from Pacific: World War II U.S. Navy Shipgirls.
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Willie Dee normally can't hit the broad side of a barn, but at one point, while terrified out of her wits by one of Hate's pranks and firing wildly, she manages to hit every target with perfect accuracy.
- As Hate correctly guessed, this is because her automatic radar rangefinders work better and faster than her visual ones. Later events prove that she consistantly hits much more accurately when firing blind or panicking.
- Hate also points out that, despite her failings, not a single member of her crew died when she sank, which is what really matters in the end.
- Cute Mute: Arizona, never speaks, only communicating in hand signs and occasionally Radio Morse Code
- Dark and Troubled Past: For the first part of the quest, it's not stated what exactly happened to Settle, only that he lost his ship while fighting the Abyssals.
- The Dark Side: The Abyssals. Especially in the writeups and later on in the main story, when Naka and Shigure start showing signs of Abyssalization.
- Death Seeker: Hate's belief that he is 'just a weapon' and his Survivor guilt causes him to throw himself into battle, even refusing Iowa's direct mental order to avoid injury from a blow that wouldn't have killed her.
- Double Entendre: Naka comes up with quite a few involving Harder's "torpedo." Also "seamen."
- The Dreaded: Sammy, for most Japanese ships. When Chikuma attempts to stop Sammy from beating the crap out of Mogami and Choukai, she freezes up instantly upon realizing who Sammy is, and runs away as fast as she can.
- “HEY! *yet another* victim demands from the gate. Sammy's head snaps up to find a long-legged, green-clad cruiser girl staring at the tableau like someone who's just walked in on a wolf gorging itself on its latest kill. Her eyes widen in horror as a memory stabs through the haze of eighty years slumber.“Oh god no,” Chikuma breathes.
- Dysfunction Junction: The main cast all have their own shares of traumas and hang ups and that's not even getting into the many issues of the shipgirls themselves. Unlike 'Strike Witches Quest' it's played rather seriously.
- Evil Phone: Goto gets a disturbing phone call from the Abyssals after they capture the base on Iwo Jima
- Everyone Knows Morse: How Arizona speaks on mission.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: All the ship girls. Harder most notably, because he's the most recently returned.
- Handicapped Badass: Settle's leg never fully recovered from the wounds he suffered at Los Angeles and most likely never will.
- Headbutting Heroes: Harder does not like the Japanese ship girls, at all. Except for Naka, where it's more like Dating Catwoman.
- Hidden Depths: Naka isn't just "the idol of the fleet." She has good people skills, and a sharp wit that throws Harder completely off balance. Because of this, she ends up becoming Settle's secretary ship.
- takes a very dark turn later when more of her character is revealed
- Human Weapon: All the ship girls. This is a major issue for them, as the world's navies typically view them as ships, rather than as people. The Navy even refers to the girls officially as "hulls."
- Discussed when Shoukaku and Settle go to a Gundam-themed cafe. Shoukaku ponders why they gave the Gundam a human form if it's meant to be a weapon.
- Inverted with Hate, who insists that he's "just a weapon" and is angry that his current job keeps him out of combat.
- The Klutz: Willie Dee. The original USS William D. Porter accidentally launched a torpedo at the USS Iowa while the president was aboard. The kanmusu version manages to light herself on fire while trying to tie her shoes.
- Lilliputian Warriors: The fairies are small, but they still behave like soldiers and sailors.
- Made of Iron: Arizona can take a 12-inch shell to the face and keep fighting.
- Corporal Hate somehow survived a torpedo going off right below him, inches from Iowa's bow. People in-story have commented on how the shockwave and internal injuries should have killed him.
- Must Have Caffeine: Northampton is almost always seen with a cup of Starbucks, like when he's carrying Hornet to safety, or giving others heart attacks because of his driving.
- Only Sane Man: Fubuki, though as a result of dealing with the insanity at the base, has taken to drinking.
- One-Steve Limit: Averted. Both Iowa (BB-4) and Iowa (BB-61) appear in the story, though not at the same time. They're on opposite sides.
- Pintsized Powerhouse: Sammy, described in-story as "Death Rides a DE." Early in the story, Sammy beats up two Heavy cruisers, Choukai and Mogami, in a brawl. When Chikuma, a third Japanese cruiser, attempts to interrupt, Sammy chases Chikuma off into the rest of the base, cackling madly.
- Sapient Ship: Aside from the Ship Girls themselves and Iowa in a side story one Naval Intelligence officer comes to realize that Some regular ships are actually sentient.
- Seen It All: Admiral Goto. He's been dealing with the kanmusu for sixteen months, and is a little more used to their antics than Settle is. He's Not So Above It All, though, because he's just one man dealing with an entire fleet of kanmusu.
- Shell-Shocked Veteran: Arizona. She sank in a surprise attack at Pearl Harbor, which left her with a severe fear of air attacks. She also carries a handgun with her at all times.
- Settle himself has a couple of scars, both literal and metaphorical, from the battle of LA.
- Shipper on Deck: Naka ships (no pun intended) Arizona/Settle.
- Turns into Leaning on the Fourth Wall later on when it turns out the internet is actually full of people shipping the various kanmusu, and that Arizona/Settle is actually one of the preffered pairings.
- Simultaneous Arcs: The Battle of Los Angeles is shown three times - once from Settle's view, once from Hate's, and once from Iowa's.
- Snipe Hunt: A pair of cruisers make Willie Dee go find a can of checkered paint. Settle and Goto turn the prank back on them.
- Socially Awkward Hero: Harder just cannot handle girls. It doesn't help that his target of choice is Naka
- Sword Cane: Settle's cane, a trolling gift from Hate, turned out to actually be one. Given Settle's fencing skills, it suits him perfectly.
- The Atoner: If Seattle's dream suggests it, Mikasa's refusal to return is brought on by her guilt that her victory against Russia sent Japan down the path of World War 2.
- Trial by Friendly Fire: in the battle of LA, Settle ordered an Alpha strike on an Abyssal that had been rammed by a coast guard ship, sinking them both
- Troubled Backstory Flashback: To Settle's first encounter with the Abyssals.
- Virtual Soundtrack: Planefag is fond of providing soundtracks for the various battle scenes that occur during the plot.
- War Is Hell: Emphasized a great deal, even comapred to 'Strike Witches Quest', the traumas of the war both past and present weigh down on every character, from a heavy dose of survivor guilt from both shipgirl and human as they wage war against an unfathomable enemy that takes no prisoners.
- Your Mind Makes It Real: both Goto and Settle suffer disturbing hallucinations courtesy of the abyssals, that have far more damaging effects than illusions. The latter, most alarmingly, somehow suffered physical burns as a result of an imaginary fire.
