JUST THE BEST MARY SUE, EVER!
is what happens when one fanfic author decides to create the most outrageous Self-Insert ever born.
Not long after the events of the film version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the surviving League members await the arrival of their new member. They're not sure exactly why they're getting a new member, but they're all blown away by her. Her name is Fellauroralisterinavetta Aanjulle O'Bamfwryter (hereafter called Fellaurora for the sake of brevity), and she is impossibly beautiful and kind, with various mental powers and many different talents. All of the men, except for Captain Nemo, fall instantly in love with her and spend the rest of the story fighting for the right to snuggle with her.
In case it's not glaringly obvious, this is a parody. Specifically, it's a brilliant Take That! against the legion of incompetent authors in the LXG fandom.
The author, Bamfwriter, was inspired by the LXG Litmus Test (which was posted on GeoCities and is no longer accessible). Literally, she set out to create a character about whom she could answer "yes" to every single possible question on the test. The result is mind-meltingly funny. (This page contains spoilers for the LXG movie.)
This fanfic provides examples of:
- Aroused by Their Voice: Fellaurora's voice enchants the men, and her delicate sighs turn them on.
- Back from the Dead: Quatermain, very briefly, and also Dorian.
- Bold Inflation: The title, by the author's decree.
- Buffy Speak: The description of Nemo's attire.Nemo was wearing an Indian garb and a tuba... turbo... turbine... turpentine... wrappy hat-thing on his head.
- Dark and Troubled Past: And she goes into it at length, encouraged by Nemo.Nemo: Please tell us everything about your past, no matter how difficult or improper it is for you, in this era, to be so personal with people, especially men, that you barely know.
- Dark Secret: Each of the League members admits his or hers to Fellaurora within about five minutes of meeting her. Sawyer is gay, Mina is a vegetarian, Nemo is a Jehovah's Witness, and Skinner... really liked Gigli.
- Did Not Do the Bloody Research: Spoofed up, down, and sideways with the ridiculous phonetic spelling of Skinner's Cockney accent.
- Everybody Has Lots of Sex: Oh yeah. Including a five-way encounter (thankfully not described) between Fellaurora, Jekyll, Skinner, Dorian, and Sawyer.
- Friendly Address Privileges: Fellaurora gives the team her full name in her opening dialogue, but then invites them to simply call her "Rahd'ni."
- Green-Eyed Monster: Mina hates Fellaurora for sleeping with all the guys except Nemo. But Mina herself sleeps with Nemo, and she shows no interest in the other men; she's just mean for the sake of being mean. And so Jekyll has an excuse for comfort-induced sex.
- Harry Potter: Believe it or not, he shows up in the last chapter. No, the narrative does not explain why; he's just there.
- Heroic Sacrifice: Because she is, after all, Too Good for This Sinful Earth. All the men fight over who gets to hold her in his arms as she expires.
- In Medias Res: Prior to her joining the League, Fellaurora was in love with Dorian, "but he left me for another." The reader is then treated to a brief flashback which indicates that he was in fact off having a torrid affair with Captain Jack Sparrow, which was apparently begun by a game of Strip Poker. The author interrupts herself (with obvious regret) before she can get too distracted.
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Skinner falls into the ocean and makes a quip about skinny-dipping (because he's an Invisible Streaker). This was taken directly from the litmus test.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall:
- When Fellaurora talks about her love affair with Dorian, Tom questions how that can possibly fit into the timeline of events.
- Fellaurora wonders why Tom has a stronger accent than he did in the movie.
- Late in the story, Dorian gives a brief Rousing Speech to Fellaurora when they're alone together, and they both look around in confusion when the speech receives a round of applause.
- Literal Genie: The League as a group cause Quatermain to drop dead by reminding him that he's not in Africa.
- Meaningful Name/Overly Long Name: It's not stated what Fellaurora's birth name was. She created her current name out of a jumble of syllables to remind her of the tragic deaths of her parents, grandmother, and sister.
- Mindlink Mates: Although he's not physically present in the story, Fellaurora has telepathic conversations with Hyde; she also does it once with Skinner.
- Nephewism: The main reason Nemo doesn't want to sleep with Fellaurora is because she is, apparently, his niece.
- Of Corsets Sexy: Naturally, Fellaurora wears one "to make her already-perfect figure even perfecter."
- Perverse Sexual Lust: Upon learning about Fellaurora's shapeshifting ability (see below), Jekyll is amazed to find that it turns him on.
- Playing the Heart Strings: For the funeral scene, Fellaurora plays a violin and sings with a voice of "angelic beauty." She does both of these things at the same time, which probably is technically not possible, but everyone is utterly entranced by her talent.
- Psychic Powers: Fellaurora "just knows things."
- Purple Prose: Especially during the physical descriptions of Fellaurora, though sometimes the extravagant metaphors get hijacked by weird ones. For instance, the author talks about how her skin is whiter than Devonshire cream, eggshells, and Larry Bird.
- Running Gag: A few.
- Dorian coming back from the grave."I thought you were dead?"
- Also, the multiple misspellings of Jekyll's last name, done deliberately to mock those fanfic authors who can't seem to get it right.
- Fellaurora can't go thirty seconds without touching her hair in some eye-catching fashion.
- Dorian coming back from the grave.
- Shapeshifting: Fellaurora can transform into a dachshund. Jekyll can transform into Britney Spears.
- Shaped Like Itself: In addition to the examples in Purple Prose, Fellaurora's skin is described as being "whiter than the whitest... white thing."
- "And her teeth were as straight and pearly and white as white pearls standing in a straight row."
- Shout-Out: To Star Wars, of all things. Lampshaded by Hyde.
- Smoking Hot Sex: Every single character has a cigarette the morning after.
- So Beautiful, It's a Curse: The first one and a half chapters are dedicated to describing every aspect of Fellaurora's impossible beauty, including Costume Porn.
- Technicolor Eyes: Fellaurora normally has heterochromia with one purple and the other green. But when she's angry, they change color — one turns magenta plaid, and the other fluorescent chartreuse.
- Telekinesis: Fellaurora sends a statue flying across the room with her mind.
- Verbal Tic:
- Sawyer has a ridiculously overdone Southern accent, which even Fellaurora finds confusing "because he didn't have one in the movie."
- Skinner says "Aheheh" and/or "Woohoo!" roughly every third line.
- Wholesome Crossdresser: Sawyer gets misty-eyed at the sight of Fellaurora's perfect pearl-like teeth, which bring back memories of the pearls he wore in the drag show he used to do with Huck Finn back home.
