Itachi, Is That A Baby?
is a Naruto and Harry Potter fanfic by SpoonandJohn in which Petunia performs a bit of accidental magic. It says something about her parenting that Uchiha Itachi is considered a better prospect for raising a child. Young Hari is raised by one of the most infamous nukenin of all time and a cadre of "Uncles" whose cumulative effect is very . . . prominent. And someone had the bright idea to bring him back to England. Merlin help them all.
Itachi, Is That A Baby? contains examples of:
- Achievements in Ignorance: Hari rejuvenates McGonagall to her twenties using a prank outfit that he thought was defective and thus "fixed" it.
- Action Girl: Millicent breaks up prison riots by beating up the inmates despite only being 13. She even gets paid for it.
- An Arm and a Leg: Hari rips off Danzo's Sharingarm before killing him. He later replaces one of his own arms with it.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Lockhart is at one point accused of a LOT of crimes. Some examples: the original sin, the Boston Tea Party, Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance ... and the Queen's recent headcold.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Millicent Bulstrode is not only rather friendly, but very big and incredibly strong. At thirteen she gets a summer job breaking up prison riots by beating the hell out of the inmates. Her mother is likewise a Blood Knight, though a Pint-Sized Powerhouse (contrasting Milly's Gentle Giant father).
- Child Hater: All of Hari's uncles declare that one child is more than enough, thank you very much.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Hari is fairly polite but Hidan's influence on him means that the boy occasionally swears a blue streak that would make a sailor blush.
- Combo Platter Powers: Hari has both the Byakugan and the Sharingan. The Byakugan was implanted when he was two and the Sharingan when he was twelve.
- The Coroner Doth Protest Too Much: Blaise Zabini mentions his mother's most recent husband died of natural causes.Blaise: Fell up and down the stairs. Six times. Onto a pile of knives. From the guest house kitchen. And then buried in a shallow grave. Alive.
- It goes on to become a Running Gag that anyone who's murdered died of natural causes. One of Hari's friends even uses "Natural cause" as a verb at one point.
- Crossover: This entire story is a crossover between Harry Potter and Naruto, though there is a gag involving Simba from The Lion King (1994) later on.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: People who attempt to fight Hari generally die fairly painful deaths.
- D-Cup Distress: Professor McGonagll was apparently a G cup in her youth before she used a ritual to shrink them (and told anyone who asked it was a side effect of becoming a cat animagus). When she's reverted to her early twenties by Hari's modified prank outfit, she can barely cross her arms because of their size.
- Death by Adaptation: Sorta. Ginny is fully possessed by Tom Riddle and is known as "Tam" for the rest of the story.
- The Dreaded: Hari in both the Wizarding and Shinobi worlds becomes something of a boogeyman. It's especially noteworthy that Orochimaru adopts the policy of giving Hari whatever he wants in the hopes he'll go away whenever Hari comes to visit.
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: Hari when given the Defense post. It ironically leads to his students worshiping him because Hari would not bother training them properly if he did not care for them.
- Eldritch Location: Hogwarts not only has over three thousand secret passages, but several of them don't make any sense at all. One starts at the dungeons and goes up several floors, including outside a few times, and ends in the Entrance Hall despite going upwards the entire time. Another goes from the kitchens ceiling to the fifth floor but somehow bypasses the Great Hall directly between them. Not to mention all the passageways that don't always exist or can only be seen after you're already progressing through them.
- Entertainingly Wrong: Once it becomes known that twenty four year old Itachi has a twelve year old son, Sasuke starts to believe that the Uchiha clan forced Itachi to breed when he was eleven years old. Given the fact that Mikoto and Fugaku had a still born daughter, Sasuke also believes that Konan, whom Hari calls aunt, is that sister and that she was hidden way for breeding purposes.
- Exact Words: Hari will follow any order Pain gives, but only the letter of the order, not the spirit.
- On the flip side, Hari has trouble following only the letter of the Triwizard Tasks. At one point, he modifies the other competitor's runic wards due to finding "mistakes". Sasori has to explain it as acting outside mission parameters to convince Hari he shouldn't have done it.
- Eye Scream: Hari rips out one of Danzo's eyes (the one he had transplanted from Shisui) before killing him.
- Family of Choice: The Akatsuki, surprisingly enough, thanks to Itachi acquiring Hari. Also, Sasuke adopts Naruto into the Uchiha clan.
- Fantastically Indifferent:
- Though they initially freak out, Hari's friends quickly stop reacting to Hari doing the impossible regularly. For example, when Hari visits Tracey over Christmas in third year, she reacts to the explosion of fire he arrives in right behind her and the gunshot from her mother that barely misses her with a calm "Morning Hari."
- Even Hermione, who initially reacted with outrage and fury over Hari violating the laws of magic and insisting the books claiming his actions to be impossible are wrong, mellows out. It helps that Hari teaches her to use wandless magic, by stealing her wand and forcing her to attend classes without it.
- The Gadfly:
- Both Hari Uchiha and Dumbledore are firm believers in screwing with people for their amusement. Dumbledore openly admits that he's only warning people about the third floor corridor so he's legally covered and anyone who ignores him and dies will be buried in a mass grave behind the castle. Furthermore, not only are the schedules handed out five minutes after classes start, but he's ordered all prefects and teachers not to give directions to anyone who asks (or give wrong directions, whichever they choose). Hari responds to Snape insisting he attacked Malfoy because Malfoy said so by claiming Malfoy tried to stab him with a broadsword in front of the entire school.
- Dumbledore is later noted to be deliberately screwing with people to see how far he can go before someone calls him out on it. He's actually rather disappointed no one has yet.
- Got Volunteered: Pansy's date to the Yule Ball is a First Year she told at gunpoint that he'd be taking her.
- Happily Adopted: Hari, to the point where he forgets that he even is adopted. Sasuke though is under the impression that Hari is Itachi's biological son resulting from forced incest of minors.
- I Was Quite a Looker: After being tricked into wearing a pranked outfit Professor McGonagll is reverted back to her early twenties and was apparently a drop dead knockout back then. To her ire, the change is permanent because Hari thought the method to remove the outfit was a flaw and "fixed" it, therefore she's permanently in her twenties and if she doesn't want to go around in lingerie, she has to wear something "slatternly" (in her words).
- Impossibly Tacky Clothes: For reasons unknown to them, Mrs. Weasley keeps buying/making her children maroon clothing despite her having the same coloration and thus should know how incredibly bad the color looks with their red hair.
- Insistent Terminology: Hari's name is Hari, not Harry and his last name is Uchiha not Potter. Also James and Lily Potter are the sperm and egg donor, not his parents.
- The Knights Who Say "Squee!": Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody fanboys over realizing Professor Potter is teaching DADA in his absence. To Dumbledore's surprise/amusement, he finds Moody studying, not to take over the class, but to join it. Though Moody is disappointed he can only join the 3rd year class as the later years are too advanced for him.
- Know When to Fold 'Em: Snape gives up on punishing Hari when he realizes Hari won't get in trouble since everything he does is either A) Legally self-defense, or B) Impossible to prove he did it.
- Lucius quickly learns not to antagonize Hari at all costs and instructs Draco to do likewise.
- No-Nonsense Nemesis: Hari Uchiha is known to immediately kill anyone who attacks him (or he's being paid to kill) and later teaches his students the same philosophy. As a result, when a group of foreign wizards attack the Quidditch World Cup, they get shredded by the new aurors who've been taught to only take prisoners if they need information and/or to ransom.
- Omake: Almost every chapter ends with one. Some are non-canon, like the ongoing side-story of Hari being summoned to the canon world. Others are canon, such as the dealings of The Dawn.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Daphne Greengrass's little sister Astoria is nigh-universally referred to as "Girl-Tobi" after Hari insists on calling her such, even teachers do. Several people don't actually know her name.
- Parents as People: Itachi has done the best he can by Hari. But given that they have to live with the rest of the Akatsuki it means that Hari has some disturbing tendencies.
- Refuge in Audacity: Sasuke gets captured and brought back to Konoha and is to be interrogated. However, the Military Police chief insists the interrogation falls under his jurisdiction and orders everyone out before interrogating Sasuke. Afterwards he refuses to allow Sasuke to be interrogated again, citing unnecessary cruelty. Thing is, Sasuke is the Military Police chief. Even when others complain, Tsunade admits he's technically right.
- Running Gag: Hari Uchiha easily accomplishing first year spells before anyone else and without a wand due to his shinobi training. It gets to the point that McGonagall knows Hari did a spell correctly without being in the room to see it because she notices "Hermione's vibrating fury" (over Hari doing things "wrong") and Flitwick congratulates Hari before even entering the classroom.
- Others include: Snape blaming everything on Hari, Hari getting annoyed whenever someone asks him "What?" after Hermione did so several times in a row, no one knowing Astoria's name and calling her "Girl-Tobi", and obvious murders being declared "Natural Causes".
- Sink or Swim Mentor: Hari teaches his friends how to use wandless magic by stealing their wands and making them cast spells.
- Stripperific: Due to Hari "fixing" the outfit he tricked McGonagall into wearing, she's forced to wear incredibly revealing clothes if she doesn't want to be forced into lingerie, much to her ire. Among other things, she always has to bare her midriff.
- Super-Strength: Both Milly and her mother can punch hard enough to send someone twice their size flying through a wall.
- Taught by Experience: All of Hari's associates have learned to dread Hari referring to anything as "Interesting" as anything he finds interesting tends to be of the "May you live in interesting times" variety.
- There Is No Kill Like Overkill: The way Hari kills several people throughout the story, especially Danzo:Hari: I cut his belly open, rammed a pair of senbon into his lungs and another into his heart. I sliced every artery I could get to, and stuck a kunai through his remaining eye and into his brain. And I cut his head off, to be sure.
- This Is Gonna Suck: All of Hari's friends will groan if they ever hear him refer to anything as "interesting" as it's always of the "May you live in interesting times" variety.
- Troubling Unchildlike Behaviour: Hari, full stop. Being raised collectively by Akatsuki means that he made his first kill before hitting double digits. Thanks to Itachi giving him a set of Byakugan eyes Hari also automatically sees everyone naked and is very informed of adult activities.
