- The following is a fan-written parody. Harry Potter is property of J. K. Rowling and is published by Bloomsbury Publishing and Arthur A. Levine Books. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Hellsing Ultimate Abridged is the Crack-Addicted Ass-Baby of Team Four Star. Please support the Official Release.
What happens when you take the insanity of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged and combine it with the Wizarding World of Harry Potter? You get Harry Potter and the Endless Night
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A crossover fic written by The Sage of Toads, this story crosses over Team Four Star's hilarious parody of Kouta Hirano's Hellsing manga and J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series.
The story itself follows Harry as he is adopted by the Hellsing family and raised to be Walter C. Dornez's successor. In the process, Hijinks ensue, lines are crossed, and Alucard goes for a walk.
Harry Potter and the Endless Night contains examples of:
- The Ace:
- Harry's training as the future butler of Hellsing pretty much requires that he be really good at almost everything, a lot of which can range from badass to a tad outlandish. The list includes, but isn't limited to: cooking, cleaning, grounds-keeping, chauffeuring, serving, unarmed combat, armed combat, firearms, poisons, improvised weapons, sailing, driving, piloting, stealth, infiltration, assassination, body disposal, and first aid. All of this is required as a baseline, for the record.
- Walter by proxy, since he also needs to know all of this and is much older and experienced.
- Adaptational Angst Downgrade: Since Harry isn't living with his abusive relatives and they're much nicer when they first meet, he's overall lived a happier life.
- Adaptational Badass: Being raised as the future butler of the Hellsing family results in Harry being pretty much the deadliest kid in the world. He also has a fairly solid grasp on magic long before he starts going to Hogwarts.
- Adaptational Nice Guy:
- Petunia is a lot nicer than she was in the books or movies, to the point where she comes across as a Cool Aunt and not an Evil Aunt.
- Vernon is also a lot nicer to Harry, though it's because of the fact that unlike in canon where Harry was a Doorstop Baby; here Harry was raised by the Hellsing Family. Though he does express genuine gratitude after Integra has one of her soldiers kill Marge.
- Draco and his friends are closer with Harry and the others rather than enemies. With Draco in-particular very much wanting to become a butler for the Hellsing Organization. Upgrades to full-blown Adaptational Heroism in Chapter 6.
- Adaptational Name Change: Downplayed with Richard, but he was revealed to have the middle name "
Traitoro" in the original abridged series. He just has his canon name here. This is justified since this fic was made long before episodes 9 and 10 were ever close to being released. - Ambiguous Situation: Did Lucius even know that Draco was working at the Mall in Surrey when there was going to be a Vampire Attack, or was he unaware that it was that specific mall and he's just using the Vampire attack to gage Alucards' combat prowess?
- And There Was Much Rejoicing:
- Everyone in Hogwarts was pleased when Harry managed to Exorcise Peeves.
- Nobody in the Dursley household that Christmas mourns for the death of Aunt Marge. With Integra considering it as her personal Christmas Present for Petunia.
- The Alcoholic: Petunia guzzles down booze like no ones business. Considering she has to deal with Marge on a daily basis, it's probably the only way she maintains her sanity.
- Asshole Victim:
- Odds are, you'll feel more sorry for the cow that had Richard shoved up its ass rather than for Richard himself.
- Marge. Not even her own brother cared that Integra just ordered one of her soldiers to kill his sister. If anything, he was grateful and crying Tears of Joy.
- Ass Shove: What does Alucard do to Richard? Shove him up a cow's ass! He's also done this to three more people off-page.
- Badass in a Nice Suit: Walter and Harry. Comes with the job of being a Hellsing butler.
- Badass Longcoat: Alucard and his red Victorian trench coat.
- Bait-and-Switch: Walter's initial objections toward training and raising Harry to be his successor and heir make it sound like he's concerned about being replaced. In actuality, he's more concerned that Harry will fall under the influence of...guess who.Alucard: Hey Artie! Did you know it's possible to shove a human body up a cow's ass?
[Arthur and Walter look at Alucard, then back to each other]Alucard: Well the trick is to-
[Smash Cut to Alucard being thrown into the basement] - Battle Butler:
- Walter, obviously.
- Harry is being raised as one, though he serves as Integra's personal butler.
- Ironically, Draco wants to be a Hellsing servant due to all the cool shit you can learn/do, but his father refuses to let him be this since he sees it as degrading for a Malfoy, even if what you can do is badass personified.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: While Harry was holding the wizards at knife-point, Fudge desperately begs for something to get them out of this situation. Cue Integra driving through the front of the hospital they were at with a God damned tank, threatening to have Walter turn them into puppets to dance the Macarena.
- Brick Joke: Before he was sealed away, Alucard makes a joke about shoving a body up a cow's rectum. Guess what he does to Arthur's dear brother, Richard?
- Cain and Abel: Richard and Arthur respectively.
- Call-Forward: Integra tells Alucard that he should go on walks more often... she's gonna regret that decision in about 10 years.
- A Child Shall Lead Them: Integra is only twelve and she's already leading the Hellsing Organization.
- Cool Uncle: Alucard is more or less Harry's awesome, vulgar, crazy vampire uncle at this point.
- Crack Fic: Not on the Hellsing Abridged side, but definitely so on the Harry Potter side.
- Curb-Stomp Battle:
- Alucard very easily kills Voldemort in the prologue.
- Harry effortlessly dispatches the vampire he was sent after while cracking some jokes. The wizards he fought at the hospital didn't fare any better.
- Devious Daggers: Harry's preferred weapons when dealing with enemies is to use Silver-bladed Knives. Heinkel is less-than-pleased at seeing him in-action.Heinkel: You ripped off Father Anderson's style you little shit!
- Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?:
- In his first week at Hogwarts, Harry got into a fight with Peeves on Tuesday, and by Friday that same week Harry managed to completely Exorcise the Poltergeist from Hogwarts.
- Chapter 7 gives us a literal example from Ron Weasley; who manages to actually punch Lord Voldemort for attacking Unicorns: sending the Dark Lord through several trees and rocks before crash-landing into a frozen lake. Seeing this happen serves to impress Harry that he hires the redhead to join the Hellsing Organization.
- Dirty Old Man: Arthur's final request before dying was to see Carlotta's breasts one last time.
- Draco in Leather Pants:
- The eponymous Draco obviously; after hearing the badass credentials and skills needed to join up as a Hellsing Butler drops the vitriol he would have had for Muggles and Muggleborns. He even helps out volunteering at a Mall as a Christmas Elf in Chapter 6.
- Not talked about, but Crabbe and Goyle actually are closer friends with Harry Potter and co. that after Hermiones' book had "Mudblood" scrawled in it; she knew that the pair weren't responsible for it and that the duo were openly cheering Hermione on when she got into a fight with Pansy.
- Argus Filch of all people actually gets along better with Harry in the story, with the few scenes they share together boardering somewhere between Vitriolic Best Buds and Intergenerational Friendship with Filch subtly talking about his niece when its just him and Harry.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Alucard was appalled when Arthur implied that he ate the hooker he called up... because hookers aren't for eating(well not in THAT way).
- Fantasy-Forbidding Father: Lucius takes great offense at Draco's newfound desire for wanting to become a Butler for the Hellsing Organization, considering that Lucius feels it is beneath their families social standing to be relegated as servant caste; especially worse considering that Hellsing is a Muggle organization.
- Fights Like a Normal:
- With the exception of Apparating and Accio, Harrys' fighting style basically revolves around this, giving him an advantage over experienced Wizard groups like the Aurors and Death Eaters.
- Hermione Granger engages in a fist-fight against Pansy Parkinson for writing "Mudblood" in Hermione's Book, even after becoming a Hellsing Maid, Hermione doesn't deviate from this fighting style and often incorporating Firearms.
- Groin Attack: Lucius Malfoy would have preferred being killed to what Hermione did to him, which was to empty an entire magazine into his crotch.
- Lethal Chef: Subverted with Walter. His cooking is exceptional, it's just not Harry's, so Integra hates it.
- Like Brother and Sister: Young Integra seems to view Harry as the brother she never had, although as she has to act as a proper noble, she can't explicitly show it.
- Ludicrous Gibs: Alucard reduces Voldemort to bloody bits... and writes out "Crimson Fucker" on the wall with his blood.
- Master-Apprentice Chain: Walter C. Dornez who is an experienced Vampire Hunter takes on Harry Potter to raise as his apprentice and eventual replacement as the Chief Steward of the Hellsing Estate. Come Chapter 7, Harry Potter has taken on Hermione Granger as his own Hellsing Maid apprentice.
- Morality Pet: Alucard is genuinely friendly and respectful when talking with Harry and Dumbledore when he's a snarky, vulgar jackass to almost everyone else.
- Muggles Do It Better:
- With the exception of Apparating and Accio, Harrys' fighting style basically revolves around this, giving him an advantage over experienced Wizard groups like the Aurors and Death Eaters.
- This is the Hellsing Organizations' modus operandi for dealing with supernatural threats like Rogue Vampires, Dark Wizards, Werewolves, Ghouls, and Leprechaunsnote by using Blessed Silver as the base element for the organizations entire arsenal crafted by Hellsing ARMS R&D.
- Ninja Maid: Hermione becomes a maid for the Hellsing Organization following the death of her parents, being trained in firearms to such degree that by Chapter 7 she's able to take on a swarm of enslaved Acromantulas and later several Death Eaters.
- Noodle Incident: The previous Hellsing Christmas parties before Integra took over must have been something else, if Alucard's reminiscing on them is anything to go by.
- Not So Above It All: She tries to maintain an air of stoicism and maturity, but Integra is still a twelve year old girl at this point, so expect her to dance around in her office to N Sync every now and then.
- One-Hit KO: Ron Weasley of all people delivers this onto Lord Voldemort in the Dark Forest after seeing him drinking blood from a Unicorn: sending the Dark Lord through several trees and rocks before he crash-landed in the middle of a frozen lake.
- Person of Mass Destruction: Dumbledore killed as many Nazis as Walter and Alucard through pure collateral damage.
- Raging Stiffie: Dumbledore had one at the sight of Alucard.
- Razor Floss: Walter and Harry have this as a weapon. Harry makes use of it against the wizards that captured him.
- Reforged into a Minion: The horrifying fate of anyone who gets bitten by a Vampire and is transformed into a mindless, man-eating Ghoul. The same unfortunate fate of Hermione Granger's parents.
- Samus Is a Girl: Heinkel looks a lot like a boy, with even the narration referring to her as a boy until Clothing Damage ensues and her bra ends up being exposed.Harry: Huh. I did not expect that.
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Mixed in with Screw the Rules, I Make Them!, since this is how Sir Integra can get away with killing Marge in the middle of a neighborhood and see no consequence. She's the leader of the most powerful supernatural hunting force in England, one of the few nobles' whose in-line for the throne, and ridiculously rich; she can do whatever she wants at this point and not suffer any consequences.
- Ship Tease: Integra and Draco Malfoy in what is probably a reference to the trope. Helps the latter character has a major case of Adaptational Heroism.
- Supreme Chef: Apparently, Harry's cooking is so good that Integra despises the idea of eating anything else.
- Take That!: Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way shows up from the future to...actually we don't know since Alucard shot her in the face before she could finish.
- Too Dumb to Live: Wormtail planned on using Harry and Hermione as bait to try drawing out "The Crimson Fucker" who was responsible for killing Voldemort; completely unaware of just how out of league he and the Death Eaters really are to The Fuck-Mothering King of Vampires. Not that Alucard is even needed when Harry and Hermione: the two most dangerous Magicals within the Hellsing Organization are capable of beating them on their own.
- Took a Level in Badass: Following her induction into the Hellsing Organization as a Maid, Hermione Granger easily becomes the second-deadliest Magical in the world; taking on a swarm of Acromantulas alongside her mentor Harry Potter, and afterwards fighting off several Death Eaters: including Wormtail and Lucius Malfoy.
- Twisted Christmas: Christmas Eve 1991 started out as a normal affair in London, until it turns out that the Mall Santa was transformed into a Vampire that went about killing the other shoppers and transforming them into Ghouls. Fortunately, Draco Malfoy was working part-time at that same Mall as a Christmas Elf and helped to escort the survivors and hold back the horde long enough for Integra and Harry to arrive with the rest of the Hellsing Organization. Harry engages with the Death Eater Lucius Malfoy that was using the Vampire Santa to cause havoc; while Draco and Dobby chase after the escaping Vampire onto the frozen Thames to ragdoll him long enough for Alucard to show up and finish it off. Unfortunately, it's revealed that the Grangers were also at that same Mall; and Hermione saw as her parents were killed and reanimated into ghouls right before her very eyes.
- Undying Loyalty: Harry and Walter, as butlers of the Hellsing family, are completely devoted to Integra.
- Unicorns Are Sacred: Much like in the original story, Unicorns have the ability to sense the purity of ones' heart and approach them, and deeply appreciates those who go out of their way to destroy monsters to protect the innocent. Sir Integra managed to find a Unicorn and it allowed her to ride it, until it met with Vice-Admiral Sir Penwood who seemed even purer of heart at which point it became Penwoods' pet.
- Villain Takes an Interest: Due to him being the direct cause of Voldemorts' death, a small group of Death Eaters organized by Lucius and Wormtail have been trying to look into The Hellsing Organization; specifically into Alucard.
- You Got Guts:
- Harrys' description for what is needed to become a Butler or Maid in the Hellsing Organization does nothing to dissuade Dracos' ambitions to work for Sir Integra. After seeing her hold her own against Pansy Parkinson in the same chapter, Harry decides to extend that courtesy to Hermione Granger, who eventually becomes a Hellsing Maid several chapters later.
- After Ron sends Lord Voldemort through several rocks, trees, and crashing him into a frozen-over lake with a single punch; Harry immediately decides to have Ron join Hellsing as well.
- You Killed My Father: After finally cornering Lucius Malfoy in the Dark Forest to confront him for indirectly killing her parents, Hermione struggles to come up with an Inigo Montoya-stylized witty retort only to come up with nothing, get angry, and just decides to unload several clips directly into Lucius' groin.
