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Lima, Ohio. September 21, 2009. We open with a routine by William McKinley High School's cheerleading squad, the Cheerios!. Explosive, high energy, and intricately choreographed, it's clear that this squad knows what they're doing. Unfortunately, their coach believes otherwise...
You think this is hard, try being waterboarded, that's hard!
Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is the Devil with the tracksuit on. The Cheerios! coach whose ruthlessness is legend establishes herself in the opening moments already as the nasty and abrasive Politically Incorrect Villain of Glee.
Following the Title Card, we cut to Spanish teacher Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison), former National Show Choir Champion, arriving in an alleged car. He then walks by Kurt Hummel (Chris Colfer), resident fashionista and secret Deadpan Snarker who has the ability to switch between falsetto and baritone almost instantaneously, being surrounded by the McKinley football team — Alpha Dogs of the school. Among them are quarterback Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) and his best friend Puck (Mark Salling). Kurt manages to get Finn to let him remove his expensive jacket, tosses his bag over, and then gets acquainted with the contents of a dumpster.
We then see one of the Cheerios! posing in the air. This is Quinn Fabray (Dianna Agron), Head Cheerio and HBIC. This then cuts to the McKinley trophy case, as Will glimpses the trophy his glee club won in '93, alongside a portrait of its late director, Lillian Adler, implied to be Too Good for This Sinful Earth. As Will stares, it cuts to him in class, teaching. You may notice Finn in this class — albeit not totally paying attention, as the shot now cuts to the school's choir room, home of the dilapidated glee club "Rhythm Explosion". Its director is Sandy Ryerson (Stephen Tobolowsky), and he's at the piano, trying to teach Hank Saunders, the current leading man, "Where is Love" from the musical Oliver!. As they harmonize, Sandy's hand begins to go where it shouldn't, and it is revealed that somebody saw this, giving it a Death Glare. This is Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), self-professed ingenue and bully-resiliant aspiring triple-threat.
In the teacher's lounge there is no coffee pot, made so by cost-saving extraordinaire, Principal Figgins (Iqbal Theba). Sue, however, brings in some fresh java that is in no way from Starbucks for four members of staff, the only ones she presumably likes. This introduces us to Coach Ken Tanaka (Patrick Gallagher), the racially diverse and emotionally awkward football coach, and Emma Pilsbury (Jayma Mays), the school counsellor, who prefers pamphlets to confrontation and is crushing on Will whilst Ken crushes on her. Emma reveals via well-placed snark that the coffee was probably paid for out of the exhaustive Cheerios! nutritionist budget that Sue coerced Figgins into giving her (whether true or not that's a little rude), all the while cleaning individual grapes whilst wearing rubber gloves. Ken, clueless as to Emma's germaphobia, tries to hit on her unsuccessfully while Will succeeds unintentionally, causing Ken to begin to view him as a spiteful love rival. They discuss how someone tattled to Figgins about Ryerson being inappropriate and so the glee club currently doesn't have a director, Will's face being the image bridge that takes us to him in Figgins' office.
Will offers to take over. Figgins laughs, asks if he also wants to captain the Titanic, then looks at the money and says $60 a month from Will's own pocket is the bill to keep it running. Will has a slight Blue Screen Of Death, as we cut to him in bed with his wife Terri (Jessalyn Gilsig), who's a little bit crazy. They were high school sweethearts who unfortunately went sour after putting rings on it. Plus, as we'll see, Terri's insane. It is in bed that Will comes up with the name "New Directions", because even though it is a law of the universe that show choir names must be ridiculous, the previous name was a little too much.
Will posts a sign-up sheet in the hall and the first we see to brave adding their name is Mercedes Jones (Amber Riley). Immediately following is her audition song, some of Aretha Franklin's "R.E.S.P.E.C.T." accompanied by Glee's real life musical director, the forever omnipresent and infinitely talented Brad Ellis. This reveals her booming voice of soul. Next up is Kurt, singing "Mr Cellophane" and Tina Cohen-Chang (Jenna Ushkowitz), a wallflower who dresses as a Goth, though she herself is outgoing and happy. She signs up, writing her name with stuttering 'T's to represent her Verbal Tic, and also adds the name of her boyfriend, Artie Abrams (Kevin McHale) who's in a wheelchair and can't reach. Tina sings Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl", and Artie's audition is not shown until the distant finale. After this we come to Rachel signing up and putting a trademark gold star next to her name — then falling victim to a face full of corn syrup and crushed ice, the first of the trademark Glee slushies. (Let the records show Puck threw the first, and in a case of Book Ends, will also throw the last.)
She begins to monologue over her audition tune of "On My Own", and we see her in Figgins' office providing her best distraught acting performance as she outs Sandy's dirty little secret, her real motivations being spite at Sandy's obvious and disgusting reasons for favoring the rather weak-voiced Hank over her, blabbing and blabbering in Large Ham fashion. Then we get her backstory: she's not homophobic, in fact she's the daughter of interracial gay couple Hiram and LeRoy Berry, who provided every advantage to their little performer. She then honed her talent by recording and uploading to MySpace, despite her audience being mostly hateful in the form of her classmates and led by the demeaning comments of the Cheerios. There's a short clip in Rachel's narration of the cheer squad watching her videos in the gym, laughing and commenting together. Quinn is at the helm with the laptop, flanked by her number two, Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera), the resident Snark Knight.
When Rachel is done auditioning, she asks when rehearsals start. After Will answers with a lengthy commercial break we see the newly-assembled glee club's ill-practiced rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat", complete with jazz hands, white gloves, and choreography even a infant beauty pageant wouldn't touch. As you would expect, ego plus lameness equals a need for more members. Not that we're going recruiting again just yet: first to Will and Rachel out on the bleachers. Rachel, tired of being laughed at, laments about how she can feel the clock ticking and how she doesn't want to graduate without something to show for it. She tells Will about her ambitions, her drive to mean something, ending with a line that would define at least part of what the show was about.
Being a part of something special makes you special.
Will offers to find her a male lead who can lead with her, before being summoned to Figgins' office. Figgins decrees that if New Directions doesn't win Regionals (time to explain: it's the clubs from the section that face off first, at Sectionals, and the winners there face the best in the region, at Regionals, and a win there pits them against the best in the nation, at Nationals) then they're getting cut.
We go to Terri's job at a linens store. After berating a coworker, Will comes in with a sandwich; having mayo on it displeases Terri, because she doesn't want to get diabetes, because that means she's less likely to conceive. As we've established, she's insane. After more demonstrations of this, the gist of it being Terri wanting Will to work as an accountant, we then see Sandy Ryerson berating a different worker (who doesn't know what a thread count is?), now a dealer of medical marijuana (to the staff of McKinley) try to sell some to Will, slipping him a free sample to help him cope with having the glee club as his new charges.
There's now an intercut sequence of Will, Slasher Smile abound, in Sue's office attempting to convince her to let him recruit cheerleaders and talking to Emma after she steps in some gum that's still fresh and now spawning on her little shoe. Will brushes Sue's ego by calling the cheer girls "performers" and "talented" (undoubtedly true, but nobody else at McKinley seems to recognize this), and brushes Emma's shoe with a credit card to clear it off and accidentally win her heart. Sue lays out the caste system WMHS uses (Jocks and Popular Kids = Penthouse, Nerds = Bottom Floor, Glee Club = Sub-Basement). Meanwhile, Emma suggests finding a leader, someone who kids will follow anywhere. Since the Cheerios! are out, Will tries to get the football team to join, reactions ranging from "if I don't look, he won't know I'm here" all the way up to farting an audition (Puck, getting laps for the service). The sign-up sheet that he leaves behind returns the most uninventive of names and Will's disappointed. That is, until his ears tune in to the showers. Having stage presence and a voice that is only out-performed by his air-drumming skills is none other than the quarterback! Will establishes a plan to get Finn to join the glee club that isn't just asking nicely again: he calls Finn to his office and produces the pot he was given by Sandy.
Finn protests, obviously, and we see his monologued backstory, too: his dad died in the Gulf War, mom Carole (Romy Rosemont) had to struggle, you get the point. Only cool thing was Carole's boyfriend, Darren, a landscaper who let Finn help. That was the first time Finn really heard music, and after the bf dumped her, Finn made a vow to make her proud. Will offers Finn a choice of being given six weeks detention (that would go on his permanent record), or something ("please") else.
Cut to him on stage with the rest of New Directions, singing some Grease with Rachel. Unfortunately, Rachel, so happy at having a stage partner, invokes the crazy eyes; we even get a POV shot of both of them and the poor boy looks terrified whist Rachel is clearly smitten with him. Mercedes, invoking her Catchphrase (Hell to the No!) for the first time, steps up and decries her lack of spotlight. Kurt calms her down by saying it's one song. Will hangs his head at how little his team is working, resorting to asking his wife for help. This happens when they're in their craft room, doing a puzzle. Will brings up wanting to take ND to Akron, specifically to Carmel High to visit their glee club, "Vocal Adrenaline". Terri asks how much it will cost, reminding Will of the financial strain just running glee has put them in — until Will tells her that he knows she spends her paychecks on frivolous purchases, even while she blames him for not having money, pressuring him again to quit teaching. However, she diverts from the argument a-brewing to shine a light on something that will get Will to drop it, for now, calling him out for wanting to relive his glory days, a problem that is implied to be the base for his more dubious decisions, a trait that will be underlying for the bulk of the series.
In the teacher's lounge, Ken is shredding while Emma is staring at Will putting up a chaperone sheet. Emma promptly signs it (after wiping down the attached pencil). On the field, Ken is ripping Finn a new one for wanting to go with ND. Puck asks what's up, so Finn, demonstrating a considerable lack of knowledge of anatomy, claims it's to help Carole recover from prostate surgery.
Insert: You think this is hard, I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard.
Back in the lounge, Will gets an eyeful of Ken's crazy eyes, the coach accusing him of stealing his quarterback and screwing up his life, Will countering that Ken hates football, so this is really about Emma, Ken then biting back that Will didn't talk Ken up to her not because he forgot but because he wants her for himself, storming off before Will can remind him that, uh, he's Happily Married (well, sort-of happily).
The glee club arrive at Carmel, and Rachel asserts to Finn in the line for snacks that they should get together — as leading man and lady, they need to for the club. Finn doesn't really get it, but catches the word "dating" and begins to tell Rachel all about his summer with Quinn, who's sort of okay; we cut to him and Quinn making out, his hands sliding towards her ass before Quinn catches it and cockblocking by way of praying ensues. Also in the line is Wemma (let's establish the Portmanteau Couple Name now, many will follow) deciding that nothing looks particularly edible, and they keep their flirting game strong by splitting a PB&J. Will moans at the delight, having cut nuts from his diet at 18 because Terri's allergic. Then the lights flash and the bells ding, the curtain goes up and we quickly see why Vocal Adrenaline would become ND's personal boogeymen for half the series.
Back at McKinley, a steel pan band is among the list of other clubs that are being funded at the school, shown as Finn walks right into a paintball firing squad. Puck was apparently concerned about Carole and googled her troubles, learning something about basic anatomy and Finn is summarily "executed". Back at his place, Will walks in to see Terri, bubbly in hand, congratulating Will because she's pregnant. Surprise, surprise, she's not, it's an hysterical pregnancy (body produces the symptoms, tests say positive, but there's no actual fetus), one she will milk in order to keep Will in line. At the moment, she does manage to get Will to quit McKinley. ND are naturally aghast.
After a random dose of Will doing a little Peter, Paul, and Mary (including Emma drawing hearts on his yearbook picture while having a BSOD and Will doing accountant training), we cut to him packing up when Emma comes in and convinces him to have one session with her.
Cut to Finn's locker. Rachel has "assumed" control of ND and is trying to get Finn back, but Quinn and Santana appear, make with the names, then bid their goodbyes, calling Finn to come running. Finn quits ND, but not before Rachel says he shouldn't care what others think. In the meantime, Finn's happy that he can rejoin the football team, as are the rest of the team. Their way of welcoming him back? Kidnapping Artie, shoving him in a port-a-potty and offering Finn the first flip as they plan to roll him around. Finn, demonstrating that Rachel's words got to him, pulls Artie out, then lays down his "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
We're all losers. Everyone in this school! Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college - and two will leave the state to do it! I'm not afraid to be called a loser, because I can accept that's what I am, but I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.
As Finn is wheeling Artie away, he sees Darren touching up the green on the football field, accompanied by a familiar song. This gives him an idea. Cut to a bickering ND, as Finn and Artie arrive, Artie willing to procure his friends in the jazz band (AKA John Locke & Scott Henson, who along with Brad Ellis made up the musical backbone of Glee), Mercedes has the costumes, Rachel has choreography, Tina has a stutter, Kurt has sass, Finn has the music. They still need a director, though. So in Emma's office, it's time for that career guidance appointment, and she pulls up a clip of Will's glee club winning Nationals. Unfortunately, instead of motivating him to stay, it reminds him his time's gone by and he needs to grow up. Emma tells him that the only life worth living is one you're passionate about.
As Will leaves, we get a reminder of that passion.
Starting softly, then increasing in volume, we hear the now-Glee-trademark "Dadadada", forming the opening chords to the song that would go on to define the series. Cut to the auditorium and there they are, in all their glory. Red t-shirts, blue jeans, black sneakers. This scene could be said to put Glee on the map, and is now considered the signature moment of the show. As Will stands in awe, we cut to Sue, Quinn, and Santana at the balcony, staring down the group improved enough to be a threat. We also cut to Puck, dismissive for now, all three students unaware that what they glare at and dismiss so easily will give them something more precious than a trophy.
Will: From The Top.
For the members of the William McKinley High School Glee Club, and the faculty close enough, the journey has just begun...
Next Time: New Directions' first public performance, the group gets some "Unholy" new recruits, and Terri gets some news that will define her insanity.
Emma bumps into Will, and they talk briefly before Quinn and Santana tell them to get a room and inform Will that he has been summoned to Sue’s office. Sue reveals that to qualify for Sectionals, New Directions needs twelve members.
Quinn lambasts Finn about being in New Directions as Rachel overhears. Quinn offers some mild petting in exchange for him quitting, but Finn rejects her after a moment’s consideration. Quinn complains that people think he’s gay now and that she’s his beard.
After Finn leaves, Quinn confronts Rachel, warning her to stay away. Rachel assures her she has no interest in Finn, bragging that Glee's stock is rising every day, only for reality to provide a counterpoint in the form of yet another slushy.
Cut to the choir room and the glee club are performing Le Freak, through no choice of their own. Unfortunately for Will, what was popular when he was sixteen doesn't work so well now. The whole club complains that the song sucks, and even Kurt concedes the song's "really gay". Not helping matters is Will announcing that he's making them do it in their first live performance, at a school assembly.
After we get the proper Title Card six minutes in, we cut to Will and Terri househunting. As Terri talks about cutting down Christmas trees, we cut to where they live now and having breakfast with Terri's sister Kendra and her children. Everyone discusses Will and Terri getting a bigger house, we see Will on the brink of going postal.
Back to the househunting, Will's making a case for something cheap but Terri sells him on the idea of a more extravagant house. This leads to Will getting a second job as night janitor.
At the glee club, people are bickering and Rachel is making moon eyes at Finn. Will arrives with a current song: “Gold Digger”.
While Terri renovates the house to suit her purposes, Emma hears someone trying to throw up in the student bathrooms. She opens a stall to reveal Rachel being unable to take back her lunch. In Emma's office with her multitude of pamphlets, Rachel confesses her feelings for Finn. She explains she wanted to be thinner, like Quinn. Emma tells Rachel to use common interests, hoping Finn'll see her in a positive light.
We go to Finn and Rachel in Figgins' office, having been caught using the Cheerios! personal copier to make flyers for the glee club. Figgins issues a harsh punishment: pay Sue for the copies. Will begins to internalize his personal problems, lashing out at the glee club and telling them are definitely doing disco for the assembly, also reminding them he's in charge. Rachel uses this as an excuse for alone time with Finn under the guise of practicing for the assembly, only for Finn to say he has a Celibacy Club meeting.
Will remorsefully admits to Terri he can't find another job. Terri lashes out, tired of the compromising. Will ends up taking a job as night janitor, offering to work at half salary. Figgins agrees.
Celibacy Club features Quinn and her friends talking about not having sex. The only non-Cheerio! member is Rachel, who’s clearly there for Finn. The genders are separated for the first half hour, then come together for innocent couplings. In the boys' group, idling by as Finn throws a football and narrates about only joining to get into Q's spanks. We also have the first appearance of one Jacob Ben-Israel (Josh Sussman), who obsesses over Rachel.
Back on the female side of things, Santana shakes her ass to the admiring crowds of other cheerleaders, including Brittany (Heather Morris), perennial dumb blonde with both a heart of gold and a super sex drive that is legend amongst McKinley students.
Cut to the boys discussing... premature arrivals and how to... not. Finn, of course, brags about how it's not a problem for him, when we then view evidence to the contrary: it's a problem, and his own little trick? Well, Carole tried to teach him how to drive, and he would up mowing down a mailman. Thus he must chant "mailman".
The sexes have now come together, and Quinn has inflated some balloons. This is the immaculate affection, a dance that they're going to practice by holding balloons between their crotches and staying far apart enough to not pop it.
While Finn and Quinn pair up, Rachel is stuck with Jacob. Finn pops early, totally his zipper's fault, and Puck grinds right into Santana with a technique he must have mastered to keep that balloon inflated. Rachel, not up for slow dancing and sexing up some rubber one bit, calls bullshit on the whole proceedings and claims that celibacy doesn't work in high schools. Quinn's not happy with this, but Rachel tells everyone that girls like sex just as much as boys.
Later, Emma finds Will cleaning gum off of desks in his janitor uniform, which he’s embarrassed about. Will properly realizes Emma has OCD, leading to a near kiss moment.
Back with the glee club, Rachel decides to sex up the assembly. It'll make people want to join. This leads to another number, Salt n Pepa's "Push It", where Rachel climbs Finn like a tree and Finn has a small freakout at Kurt slapping his ass. Quinn stews, outraged at both the sex on display and the fact that it involves her boyfriend.
Cut to Figgins' office. Sue rakes Will across the coals for the performance only to have Figgins, after giving Will a list of religious songs his pastor has approved for glee performance, dock some of the Cheerios! dry cleaning budget and give it to Will. Will finds Rachel and rakes her across the coals, handing her the list of songs they can choose from — all containing 'Jesus' or... "what's a Luftballon?".
In the teacher's lounge, Ken hands Emma a ticket for a "toola-palooza". Emma shuts him down, only for Ken to remind her she is pining over a married man, and that while he's not the perfect catch, she can do a hell of a lot worse than him.
In the auditorium, Rachel is trying to find Finn's vocal range. After taking a break, Rachel prepares a picnic for them. Finn says Rachel was insane at first, but her voice touched his heart. After Finn compliments her on her Celibacy Club rant, plus the toasting of virgin Cosmos, Rachel says he can kiss her if he wants to, and The Big Damn Kiss ensues. Unfortunately, the aforementioned hormones kick in, Finn has to chant "mailman" and hauls ass, leaving Rachel.
At a doctor's office, Terri is in for an ultrasound, only to discover it's an hysterical pregnancy.
Quinn, Brittany, and Santana try out for New Directions and Will is surprised, but impressed when they give one unholy heaven of a performance of one of the religious songs. They join at first to keep Finn away from Rachel and make sure they don't look like beards, but then it's revealed that Sue, at first a little less than pleased that the goddesses of McKinley have joined the ranks of the losers, now has inside women. Quinn doesn't care so much if she can get her boyfriend back, and Sue doesn't care so much about that.
Will joins Emma at a fountain, but she’s still rattled by Ken, so she politely tells him off. Will heads home to find Terri. She sees his distraught face and instead of giving him the news about the hysterical pregnancy, she swaps at the last minute to say it's a boy. Will still quits the janitor's job.
Rachel isn't happy that Will's giving Quinn her solo in "Don't Stop Believin'". Rachel hoisted herself on this one: "Say a Little Prayer" was on Figgins' list and Quinn owned it, Quinn hasn't been aggravating him like Rachel, and there should surely be some chemistry between boyfriend and girlfriend they can sell. Will also owns up to pushing too hard. This is also another reason he has listened to the club as a whole and given someone else a shot. Will emphasizes fun over the spotlight, and that simply will not do for young Rachel. She heads to the auditorium to conclude business for the week by belting her feelings via Rihanna, the knife twisted just a bit by a montage featuring her seeing Finn and Quinn together.
Next Time: Will gets a mid-life crisis and he's nowhere near middle age, while Sue looks to use this and her inside women to divide and conquer.
In the choir Will has New Directions rehearsing. They're all fretting over how lame the routine is, as we cut to Quinn and Santana engaging in Sue's latest scheme — planting seeds of doubt in Rachel's mind about Will's choreography. Rachel mentions their competition: choreographing for Vocal Adrenaline is Dakota Stanley, one of the best choreographers in the midwest and a former Broadway understudy.
Will points out that understudies don't usually perform. Quinn, however, manages to hit him where it hurts by asking him if he ever performed after high school.
Will says he wanted to, but not to Q. Instead, we cut to him and Emma and she's saying that really it takes more certainty than talent to be a star — "just look at John Stamos". We will next season, and you'll wind up marrying him. Will says he's also nervous about being a dad, wanting his kid to be proud of him and what have you. Anyway, it's clear that Ken Tanaka's words to Emma last time hit her where she lived, as she is now dating him — but the flirting remains strong for another of our Official Couples, Emma babbling on about both of them being in relationships, then saying there's nothing sexier in a man then confidence. Will halfheartedly smiles as we hit the Title Card.
As we're shown into the Teacher's Lounge we notice Sandy. Apparently, being ordered to stay fifty feet away from kids hasn't stopped him from returning to McKinley to help welcome back a friend and the shop teacher, Henri, who found out the hard way that cough medicine plus saws equals loss of thumbs. Howard, the Sheets 'n Things employee Terri bullied in the pilot, arrives with a "thumb" cake. Cake is cake though, and as they eat they lament about their various problems, lack of thumbs of course trumping all and leading to "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" to cheer Henri up.
Will’s teaching the guys some steps set to "This Is How We Do It". Then, after suggestions of 'Crescen-dudes' and 'Testoster-tones', we get the name of this little guy group: Aca-fellas. Unfortunately for Sandy his dubious rep and dubious tux preclude him from joining. More rehearsing ensues, waking up the sleeping Terri. Will dismisses the guys so he and Terri can get it on — or, give her more chances to pee on sticks, though all of them come back negative.
In Glee Central, Rachel has baked some apology cookies. The rest of New Directions look forlorn, especially Finn. We then see that Rachel took the cookies to Will, who basically blew her off, saying she was right about his lack of confidence and thus leading him to start Acafellas. With the boy band, Will's loyalty to the glee club is faltering.
Finn blows up at Rachel for causing Will to lose his confidence. Quinn then takes the opportunity and puts out the vote to hire Dakota Stanley, to which all but Finn agree. Cut to outside, and we see exactly what Sue's "break them from within" play is. Finn is loyal to Will and considers him a father figure and confidante. Rachel sees a bigger picture, wanting every avenue to win, saying a Nationals win would validate her whole high school career. Finn, however, suspects that her anger also has to do with their kiss last episode. Rachel calls him out, pointing out that he has feelings for her but is too afraid to admit it. Finn threatens to quit if Dakota Stanley is hired.
In Sue's office, Sue orders Quinn and Santana to target the glee members individually. We see this plan begin to take hold as we cut to Mercedes, as she laments over not having anyone and staring forlornly at various couples. Kurt arrives and, realizing Mercedes emotional state, reminds her that their dubious social status severely limits choices for romantic partners; of course, their superiority balances that out.
As Kurt walks away, Quinn and Santana swoop in and plant the seeds of false hope that Kurt has a thing for Mercedes. Evidently they know that Kurt doesn't exactly play for her team.
Cut to the Acafellas' first performance, a little "Poison". We see Will's proud parents, Terri, and Emma. The last of the three is cheering ostensibly for Ken, but Terri begins to suspect Emma might have something for her hubby. After the performance, CDs are handed out as Will's parents praise Will. We also see Figgins show up and praise Will, then offer the Acafellas a slot at the next PTA meeting.
In the teacher's lounge the next day, Will is reading the positive reviews to the rest of Acafellas, each getting praise except for Howard. A bitter Sandy arrives, wanting in by claiming that Josh Groban's coming to the PTA meeting. The Acafellas refuse, but Sandy leaves a hook by mentioning Groban wants an opening act.
Cut to New Directions arriving at Carmel to look for Dakota Stanley. Rachel points out one of Vocal Adrenaline’s stars, neck deep in a trashcan while a neckbrace-clad Vocal Adrenaline member holds the hair back. Rachel asks what's wrong, the Vocal Adrenaline member says Dakota Stanley. We also get an idea of how brutal the rehearsals are; running from 2:30PM-midnight, no leaving for any reason at all.
We catch an end product of those Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals, "Mercy". Afterwards, we also get an opinion of the performance: GET OFF MY STAGE!. Yes, this is Dakota Stanley, your basic Drill Sergeant Nasty. Cut to New Directions in the audience dumbfounded, then to them finding Dakota. He lays down his prices: $8000 a number, plus $10,000 if they place.
In the choir room, Will is teaching Ken steps as he gets a call and we find out that Howard wants out due to not getting any mention in the reviews of the first performance. Emma arrives. After Ken thinks she's dumping him, we find out that the pressure got to Henri, OD'ing on cough syrup and needing rehab. Ken leaves as Emma gives Will a peptalk.
As Will puts out an ad for a singer, Finn arrives, planning to quit glee yet again. Will tells him to stick around a little longer. Looking at the unplaced ad, he then gets an idea. Puck offers to join the Acafellas. Ken promptly threatens him if he screws it up. We then see Puck's backstory, or at least some of it: he loves cougars, and uses his pool cleaning business to bang them. That's about it.
As we montage all this, we cut to Santana breaking up with him over his credit score. Ah, any scene with Santana is simply hilarious, especially ones with her mooning over the masculine sex. Ah, hindsight.
Will teaches Puck and Finn the steps, to some success. Lack of coordination and infighting ensue, and Will gets the idea to use baseball analogies and it seems to do the trick. Cut to Mercedes' locker as Rachel and Tina arrive, both of them telling Mercedes that Kurt doesn't want her. Mercedes dismisses it as jealously on both their parts.
The Cheerios! hold a car wash while Emma and Sue stand guard. We then see Mercedes and Kurt working on the Lincoln as Mercedes asks when she and Kurt can tell everyone they're dating. Kurt is like say what now? He claims to be in love with Rachel so that he doesn't break Mercedes' heart. She responds with a rock through Kurt's windshield. A musical number to the aptly named "Bust Your Windows" ensues.
Evidently, this raised enough to hire Dakota Stanley, only for the glee kids to immediately regret it: assigned meals, kicking people out for their disabilities and skin tones, all your basic Jerkassery. Mass exodus ensues, but Rachel, realizing she made the mess, commences to fix it by firing Dakota.
Backstage at the PTA meeting, Will gives the Acafellas a peptalk. Sandy crashes through, claiming Josh Groban is in the front row. This leads to "I Wanna Sex You Up", complete with Puck mastering the pelvic thrusts. We cut to the audience where once again Will's parents, Terri, and Emma cheer him on. Terri glares at Emma, who is not so subtle at cheering outrageously for Will. Also not liking what she sees is Sue, both for said pelvic thrusts and realizing she failed again.
After the performance, we see Sandy tell Figgins about his ambitions as Josh Groban walks in, both to praise the performance and hand Sandy a restraining order for stalking. Outside, Terri apologizes for not being more supportive. Will says he had fun, but he's exactly where he needs to be right now. Will's dad says Will inspired him to go to law school, saying it's never too late to go after your dreams.
Mercedes arrives at Kurt's locker to apologize to him, only for Kurt to officially come out.
We conclude business for the week with New Directions rehearsing and Rachel praising the steps.
We see Sue punishing Quinn and Santana for failing to break up New Directions by revoking their tanning privileges. This causes Santana to comically weep like a small child. However, a pep-talk from Rachel provides Quinn with the strength to declare that when you believe in yourself you don’t have to bring people down.
We look upon Terri practicing breathing exercises with Will. Her sister Kendra insists childbirth is the second circle of hell. Terri panics over Will touching her not-really-pregnant belly, and spills the plan to Kendra, who approves.
Now, the teacher's lounge is full for once. Emma reveals that Sue somehow got a segment on the local news. Sue then enters the lounge bragging about her celebrity, donuts in hand. She begins a diatribe, as she is wont to do, essentially asserting her dominance over the other faculty members.
In the choir room Will is handing out sheet music to New Directions. Rachel complains that it's not the right key. Will says it is, and Tina's doing the solo. Rachel is not happy, especially since it's a song from West Side Story; Natalie Wood was Jewish, Rachel is Jewish, therefore she should get the solo. Mercedes isn't happy she's a Jet. Rachel storms out.
Kurt asks Finn how he can join the Titans. Cut to a standard sports montage followed by a pan to Finn and Kurt and Finn giving Kurt some pointers. Kurt prepares "Single Ladies", Finn objects, but Kurt doesn’t listen.
Enter Puck to razz Finn. The team huddles. After their current, terrible, kicker is singled out for incompetence and demoted to water boy, Ken offer his position to the next one who kicks a field goal. Naturally, Kurt offers. He kicks, and it's good!
The local cable affiliate station, and Sue is getting her fan/hate mail when the station manager arrives, worried about Sue's future at the station: his kid goes to McKinley and was telling him about the Cheerios! defecting to glee, saying if Sue wants to keep her segment, the Cheerios! have to win their Nationals.
Quinn reveals to Finn that she's pregnant.
Finn asks if it's his and Quinn screams back that of course it's his. She says the words "hot tub" and we cue the flashback. They're joined at the lips, when Finn's libido and that unfortunate early release issue act up, and he "pops the clutch". Quinn is, frankly, disgusted. Cut back to the present where clearly a hot tub makes cum viable. Quinn is a mess, saying she thought she had a shot of getting out of Lima.
Cut to a very creepy doll collection in Sandy's house. Sue is there, watching Sandy finally break down over losing his job. Sue now offers him a job as McKinley's arts administrator; this would give him control over all arts, including glee. Sandy says Figgins won't allow it, but Sue blackmails Figgins with a horrible flight safety vid. Sue's plan is to have Sandy set up the musical Cabaret, knowing Rachel will audition and thus monopolizing her time away from New Directions.
Rachel auditions with "Taking Chances", landing the lead, Will complains to Figgins, who’s being blackmailed by Sue. So Will complains to Rachel, currently in ballet class, who talks out of her ego. Will's not good at words, saying he's her biggest and "sometimes only" fan. Rachel does admit her flaws, but Will points out that everyone else slacks off because they think she'll pick it up. Will asks Figgins what Sue has on him only for Sandy to throw the gauntlet down. Rachel insists she's not quitting, but does state that due to her still being treated like a pariah, she feels that Will's hurting her by taking solos.
In the auditorium Tina is practicing her solo, but goes sharp at the end. Will provides the pep talk, telling her that her confidence is helping her stutter to fade. Tina, however, insists that he gives the solo to Rachel. Finn enters, breaking down, wanting to talk to Will. At lunch, they bond over their future kids and the prospect of fatherhood. Finn's now properly angling for a scholarship, figuring a win at the next game could go a ways towards that, so he needs to get the team to loosen up, asking Will to teach them to dance.
Back at Will and Terri’s house, Terri finds out about Quinn's baby and has an idea.
In the locker room, Puck is less than amused at having to dance. Ken allows it, asking what they have to lose. Now to their practice, Will teaching the steps. Among the players, and stepping up in this scene, is an amazing dancer in Mike Chang (Harry Shum Jr.). Kurt steps in to educate for the "Single Ladies" steps, Mike seemingly the only one who gets it, while Puck is off to the side, not pleased at these proceedings.
Ken ends practice as we cut to Puck and Finn, Finn distracted by Quinn, while Puck razzes him.
Quinn walks through the halls forlornly when she runs into Puck. The truth comes out: the baby is Puck’s, not Finn’s. Quinn unleashes the fifth, sixth, and seventh circles of hell on Puck, who does at least have a job. Quinn will hear none of it, branding Puck a Lima Loser, and worse: a jerk, too.
Quinn runs to her car, crying. Her day gets worse as we then see Terri in the passenger seat. Terri wants a baby to give to Will. She attempts to persuade Quinn by saying you're fifteen. And you know how your favorite teacher is so happy about having a baby? He’s not really, but you can just slip me yours and then you can know it'll have a loving dad.
The big game arrives. Will and Emma sit together. In the team huddle, the non-Finn and Kurt Titans are a little nervous about this whole performing in public thing. When they surface, though, what we hear is obviously the standard trash talking and yo mama jokes. The Titans are whooped properly. We see Papa Burt arrive for his kid's big moment. With one second left in the game, and the score 6-0, Finn calls for a time out.
They know what they have to do, although Puck complains. Kurt is in the game, the music is hit, the routine plays out. Finn throws to Puck, who scores the touchdown, followed by Kurt with the field goal to put the game away — a glorious celebration for the football team and the glee club.
Will and Emma embrace and Quinn runs up to celebrate with Finn while Puck looks on, dejected.
At the Hummel's house, Kurt has worked up the nerve to come out to his dad and does it — only for Burt to reveal he knew since Kurt was three when all he asked for was a pair of sensible heels.
In front of Quinn's locker, Finn hands her his baby blanket, saying he'll do everything to be a good father. She breaks down in his arms. As we're wrapping up for the week with a return to Sue's corner, we see Rachel after she's quit glee club again following a brief return. Will also proudly introduces their new members, purged from the football team: Puck, Mike, and Matt Rutherford (Dijon Talton). With that, the full Season 1 New Directions are now complete.
Speaking of, we cut to a diner where Terri is getting her pig on. Will correctly asks why she hasn't gotten morning sickness, whereas Quinn's puking at 15 minute intervals. Terri neatly dodges with a cover story about 30 minute upchucking at work, followed by the waiter arriving. Not just any waiter, but a Schuester expat who went to Carmel, and is now a 22-year old senior who fails every year so he can stay in Vocal Adrenaline. This cause the wheels in Will's head to shake the dust off as we hit the Title Card.
Cut to Finn in Emma's office, after Will spilled the beans about Fuinn, Emma points out that some colleges give full rides for the musically inclined, suggesting that a major competition win might raise eyebrows. Finn then asks if ND can win without Rachel; Emma telling him yes, while we cut to her telling Will the more accurate answer of longshot. Emma suggests finding her.
Cut to Rachel and I immediately feel sorry for her as she's being "interviewed" by Jacob Ben Isreal, who stares at her chest then tries to get her to strip. Thankfully? he's distracted by Sandy, who usher's him out while Finn arrives. Using trickery we'd wish we'd see more often, he convinces her to run lines, preferably in "low lighting". This causes the bottom to fall out of Rachel's undershorts.
Cut back to Emma's office, where Will asks for a file on a student from 15 years hence, April Rhodes; evidentally the Ur-Example of Glee back in the day, who dropped out three credit shy of graduating. Emma of course is not amused at Will drooling over someone not her. She then says reaching back into the past is dangerous; quoting her own experience with online dating (which supposedly took place in 1997), meeting the man who would kill Gianni Versace (nope, not kidding). Will finds her MySpace, starts chatting.
Cut to the high rent district of Lima. Will arrives at the front door of a drunk Kristin Chenoweth, who naturally doesn't remember him. After putting the drunken moves on him, we reveal that it's not even her house as we see a realtor who apparently has had runins with April before. On the curb, we find out that April and her boyfriend dropped out to go to Broadway only to sling hash in Cleveland. Will offers her the chance to graduate. She accepts.
Room with Choirs and things. Will introduces April to ND, who are naturally perplexed, except of course for Puck who is seen planning his method of seduction. After being told she's no Rachel, April calls upon "Tinkles" Ellis to prove them wrong. This being Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth, it goes as you'd expect.
What wasn't expected was for this to become a symbolic battle of pipes between April and Rachel, as we see her on stage. In any event, Kurt is brought to tears as we cut to Will's Spanish class (remember that?). As one would expect, April does well on stage, in class, not so much. Afterwards, Will tells April that ND's still not sure about her, and that she needs to win them over.
Cue the "You Make My Dreams Come True"-led montage as we see April offer Kurt booze and skin mags, Mercedes and Tina lessons on how to smuggle items under skirts (yes), and herself to Puck and the Titans. Cut to Rachel rehearsing only to have Sandy call it terrible. We then see that Sandy wants the part and Rachel can't get a break.
Cut to Finchel running lines, Rachel saying Finn should join the musical, Finn saying he'll do it if Rachel comes back. Finn then offers to take her bowling, saying she needs to relax. Rachel immediately accepts, though we sadly all know she'd rather play with Finn's balls than bowling balls. Will and April spoil the mood, April needing to rehearse the female part of "DSB", twisting the knife of Rachel quitting just a bit deeper.
Cut to Emma running into Kurt, clearly hungover and we again spot the inevitable from a mile away, as with the Non Sequitur, *Thud*-like words Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy, he puts Emma's sensible heels on the business end of a Technicolor Yawn. Emma is, "displeased", as a trip to the ER and four decontamination showers will attest to. Cut to the Teacher's Lounge as Emma and Will realize April's more harm than help. Emma, as she will do many times in their relationship, gets to the root of the problem, saying that with April there, she's taking a spot away from someone, and that Will's subconscious desire to relive his glory days is once again affecting his job.
Cut to Sandy and the slow mo Large Ham YOU SUCK on Rachel. In the bathroom, she is eyes deep in tissues when April arrives and they lament. All well and good until April mentions Finn at which point Rachel bares claws and a "The Reason You Suck" Speech. April asserts her own dominance and the fight is on.
Huey Lewis brings us to your basic 70's-style Bowlarama and Rachel apparently hesitant to put her fingers in the holes. Finn provides the basics, only for Rachel to gutter. On the other end of the lanes, we see April and Will. He tells her to stop being a bad influence and she agrees; he then follows with some slight hero worship, saying she's the reason he joined Glee and that he regretted never singing with her. Conveniently, there's a small bar with stage (though this is bingo night), and this leads to a little number with Heart.
Back to Finchel, enjoying non-vegan pizza as Rachel asks about Glee, Finn saying everyone misses her. Rachel misses it but feels she's not appreciated there. Finn does, naturally. Also, naturally, Rachel gets a strike and thus kissing ensues, Rachel stating she'll quit the play, Finn hugging her but giving an Oh, Crap! expression behind her back.
In that space where people sing in harmony, ND are speculating about Q's illness when Puck spills the beans about her expecting, though of course saying Finn's the father because unnecessary drama pads out episodes. Rachel has perfect timing in her return, as ND inform her of the false state of affairs. Finn is dropping off a scholarship application in Emma's office and is walking down the hall unaware of the hell that awaits him. Sure enough, Hurricane Berry touches down on him in all her glory, complete with accompanying slap. And that reminds us; supposedly knocks up girlfriend while messing around. Yes ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, we say the following: Finn, you're an idiot.
And to make matters worse for him, he proceeds to reinforce his idiocy by admitting the only reason he wanted back in glee was so he could get a music scholarship. All Rachel wanted was honesty, but Finn was too stupid to even do that. Nice job, Finnegan.
And to drive home the point, Madame de Tracksuit arrives tearing down the invitational posters as Rachel demands changes to the musical, so Sue grants her total control. Shockingly, Rachel is still not happy.
And then... New Directions. In cowboy gear. Singing "meows". Murphy, why do you do this to us. And as an aside, Brad Ellis, you poor bastard. Will says the house is packed as April arrives infinite sheets to the wind, as kissing Puck demonstrates. Emma arrives and says April almost ran her over and she needs to go Will says if April doesn't go on, none of them do; Emma dismissing him thusly.
Cut to them on stage getting their Underwood on. Afterwards, we see Will pleased, an arriving Rachel, not so much. Cut to April exiting the commode where Will intercepts her and tells her she's done. Surprisingly, April agrees; she had her moment, but one look at the other faces and she knew her moment was up. She departs as ND change outfits, Will announcing she's out. The others are naturally crestfallen until an 11th-Hour Ranger arrives and if you can't figure out who it is than you haven't been paying attention. Will takes a seat with Emma as we close out with the first of the signature "episode ending performances tinged with emotions pertaining to both the episode and the ongoing arcs", the hallmark "Somebody to Love".
Next Time: Terri infiltrates the nurse's office to keep an eye on Will, in the process handing out some Vitamin Glee.
Will, having never heard of the concept of a napkin, tries to tongue it off while Emma puts on a glove and removes it, and the flirt game thrives. We pop back a week to see the glee kids practice as Will comes in and reveals their competition: a deaf school in Dayton and the Jane Addams Academy reform girls' school. This obviously pleases the group, as "people who can't hear what their singing and criminals who don't care" should serve as easy knockouts. They are just opening themselves up for a good group petard hoisting, huh?
Will needs a way to motivate them, Emma suggesting a sticker board like little kids eating their veggies when our most favorite vicious Purveyor of Polyester, hearing the whole thing, begs her to stop talking. Sue produces a list of her minions — I mean Cheerios! — and reveals her motivation tactic: she will frequently kick one out at random. Will reminds her that glee's different, only for Sue to make the point that whatever, they need something to bring out the fire within them. This in turn fires up the braincells concealed within Will's hair gel as we hit the Title Card.
Will deems "Competition" the lesson as we cut to the eclectic group of Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, a shark, a bear, a bolt of lightning, and a swimming pool, the lesson being competition brings out the best in people. Will decrees a battle of the sexes as they have a week to come up with a mash-up. Yes, this is the episode that premieres Glee's (yes, the show's) annual Mash-Up competition. The prize? Prying from Will's reluctant hands the privilege of deciding the song for Sectionals. Rachel adds, rather accurately, that him judging is gender biased in this context. Will has already agreed, stating a surprise guest neutral party will decide the winner.
Now, as all this is going on, Finn is apparently near dead on his feet. There is relevance to this, as we then cut to Sue putting down a journal entry decrying her own tiredness — first with breaking her juicer with beef bones and then having Quinn's knee twitch during Cheerio practice, tipping her off to something wacky and wanky going on. She then rails on the glee club, expressing her general rage at its continued existence. However, after seeing Wemma's byplay, this gives her the idea to go after Will directly, and using Emma to do it.
Cut to a venerable Legion of Doom as Sue spills the beans to Terri about Will's wandering eyes, going so far as to say he and Emma are doing the vertical mambo. Terri is displeased, shall we say (and we shall say), as Sue paints Emma in the homewrecker role. She whips Terri into a frenzy, ending with the friendly and spontaneous suggestion that Terri get a job at McKinley so she can keep an eye on things; Sue even took the liberty of putting the school nurse in a coma, so the position's open. Cut to Figgins (who apparently is still under Sue's blackmail) pointing out Terri's lack of nursing experience, only for her to turn it around on him, pointing out the bare minimum that will appease his cheapskate sensibilities. And she had to do a bit of first aid to become assistant manager at her last job. Figgins is satisfied, she only really needs to give out band-aids and condoms.
Lounge. Will's telling Emma about the mash-ups as he wants her to judge. Unfortunately, bad timing ensues, with Terri entering to hear Will tell Emma she's the most honest and impartial judge he knows. This brings the hammer down as Terri stalks up, introduces herself, and torments Emma with lipstick on her cup. Terri, you evil bitch.
Locker Room. Ken is running plays as Finn's about to collapse. We get a voiceover of him lamenting his tiredness while admitting he still has a thing for Rachel, even having his eyes wander where they shouldn't at the moment. And apparently, he slept all the way through Will's lesson as the ND males have to wake him up. Puck suggests he go see the nurse, Finn agrees. We now explore a ballet class, Rachel attempting to get the females in line only to have Brittany make a pregnancy joke and the rest snigger. Mercedes is complacent within complacency, while Rachel seems to be the only one taking this seriously.
Meanwhile, in the nurse's office, Terri sees Finn lumber in and, upon realizing he's Quinn's boyfriend, makes a remark about his bone structure, probably figuring Will won't notice. Finn asks what he can get for his tiredness, only for Terri to turn it around about him and Quinn, connecting it to Will and Emma for whatever paranoid reason. In any event, Terri gives Finn pseudoephedrine to perk him up...
Cut to the Choir Room and Finn's motormouthing like Rachel on a good day, clearly buzzed while the rest of the ND males slack their jaws in horror. The next cut reveals the effects of Vitamin D on a glee club member, as the men break out the leather jackets for a little Bon Jovi with a hint of Usher, Finn on the autotune, Artie on the voicebox and Mike on the fancy moves. All the females are impressed, Rachel is aghast at how good they've managed to pull off, and Will jokes that it's like something was slipped in their juice boxes. Rachel still has that complete look of disbelief.
Fortunately, after the break, we find ourselves at Quinn's locker and Rachel asks why she's hasn't been at practice. This was in fact one of the first scenes that caused people to stand up and say hmm, we may have something here. Quinn's putting up a front about her various activities, only for Rachel to see right through it, saying the glee club doesn't judge her and that she doesn't hate Quinn for being (supposedly) pregnant by Rachel's love interest. Main reason is now Quinn is on even pegging with Rachel, sure she still wears Sue's colors for now, but is just as much an outsider as Rachel is. Rachel slams home dead on point, saying that when it becomes obvious, Quinn's gonna need all the friends she can get. And, of course, Rachel says she can relate — when Q asks how, Rachel brings up the whispers and name-calling and the pornographic pictures of her drawn on the bathroom walls. Quinn quietly admits that it was actually her who drew those... In a totally malicious bullying way, we're sure... Though we may have to follow up on that at some point. Point is, Quinn has seven months of her youth left, so she should just enjoy them how she wants, without pretension or anything else. Quinn responds very sadly by saying that if the roles were reversed, Rachel would've had hell brought down on her already, probably by herself, and Rachel knows this. She leaves, and we have just witnessed Quinn's true vulnerable interior and heart of gold, courtesy of some personal acting choices.
Back to the crazy staff hijinks: Terri calls upon lapdog Howard to bring her thirty-six boxes of decongestant. Ken then enters, and conveys his concerns about Wemma, saying it's been going on for a couple of months. He randomly suggests that he and Terri date (to make them jealous?), only for him to discover that Even Evil Has Standards. Poor Ken. They lament their woes (her fake pregnancy, his psoriasis and one undropped testicle) as Terri puts a plan into motion: have Ken propose to Emma. When he accurately points out her inevitable rejection, Terri produces the Vitamin D for a pick me up.
Cut to Rachel lambasting at the glee girls about their counterpart's performance, their quality enough to trigger her ego. Enter the Hummel (loyalty with the girls no matter what) to own up to doping. Well, taking prescription sinus medication, but whatever. (Hey, it's like really mild meth.) After the break, we see a still doped up Finn reveling in his altered state, only for Rachel to bring him down with a cry of CHEATER, followed by "F-Rod". Finn tries to defend himself, talking about the pressure he's under, only for Rachel to say that everyone's under pressure: now is when we get to see how rigorous her daily routine is, up at 6AM, protein shake with banana and flax seed oil, run on the eliptical. Finn offers up his strains: (not really) pregnant girlfriend, male lead, quarterback. He then claims she's mad because the boys were better and nice going, Finnegan, you just set her ego off once again.
Cut to the women's bathroom as Terri administers the Vitamin D to the girls, minus Quinn, who gets folic acid and is clearly starting to regret agreeing to give her kid to her. Sadly, even Rachel couldn't resist temptation (and it's evening the playing field, right?). Cut to the lounge where a doped up Ken is photocopying like a madman with Terri admitting to giving him the pills as Emma walks in, Terri asserting herself over Will, even removing that damn mustard from his lip. Will correctly states that sharing the workplace with Terri isn't very good for their marriage. At all. But, maybe Will, still being married to her isn't good for your sanity. Apparently Terri forgot (or more likely, didn't care) that seeing the same person 24/7 is bound to drive anyone nuts. Will heads to the bathroom, and no Terri, he will not let you hold it. As Will leaves, Terri prompts Ken to propose. This naturally causes Emma to have a small Blue Screen Of Death.
Choir Room. The newly doped up Rachel begins to rant at twice her usual racing speed (kudos to Lea Michele) before the girls perform an awesome mash-up of two of the brightest and cheeriest songs in history: "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine". Afterwards, Will asks if Emma said yes, she says she doesn't know before basically asking if Will will be with her. Unfortunately, we zoom into the madness, Terri seeing them and rage building up. She doesn't have that far to find a target as she sees Emma and unleashes on her only for Emma to return that Will deserves better then Terri. Terri's keeping up the match, though, and blows that Emma should marry Ken because no one else will want her.
Just to drive home the point that Terri is a vile, foul creature, we then cut to her finding Quinn and reminding her of the plan to sort of just illegally hand over her baby, or whatever the plan is. Quinn goes along but it's obvious she's in no way wanting to do it. She's in a bit of a rough spot, okay. In the locker room, Emma finds Ken and accepts, but with terms: keeping the maiden name, separate houses, not seeing each other after school. Ken, so desperate, simply agrees.
Cut to Rachel running into Finn, who proceeds to call her out for her hypocrisy. Rachel suggests they both own up and call it a wash, Finn agreeing. Rachel then apologizes for the name calling, owning up to being caught in the competive spirit like everyone else and saying she wants to stop competing against, and start competing with, their team.
We begin the home stretch of these proceedings with Terri admitting to Figgy to handing out Vitamin D, while setting up Howard to take the fall as, surprise surprise, pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in meth. Will asks how is Terri supposed to raise a kid when she can't look after a group of teenagers. Figgins properly fires Terri and Will is once again raked across the coals for letting his desire to win override his judgement. Hey, say what you will about his handling of finances, but never let it be said that Figgins doesn't have his moments. And Will, thanks to Terri's invasion and so ultimately Sue's scheming, gets his comeuppance for not caring about the kids taking a medicinal drug for all the wrong reasons by the means of Figgins appointing Sue as co-director of Glee. Smooth move, Hairgel. And, as if he's not already winded and reeling enough, Emma tells him she accepted Ken's proposal. After one last scene of Rachel throwing the Vitamin D in the trash, we are released from the school nurse nightmare, Hallelujah.
Next Time: The first time the Tyrant Takes the Helm.
"Like the time I sold my house to a nice, young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs".
Back to Figgins, and the duelling leaders having come up with something. Each co-director will have a number at Sectionals, Figgins is pleased while Sue and Will clearly wanna run like hell away from each other. Figgins, either oblivious or torturous, makes them hug to prove they are really on the same side: threats are whispered into ears accordingly as we hit the Title Card.
Quinn is having an ultrasound with Finn by her side. As the nurse asks what they'll do when the baby's born, we see that it's a girl. Finn is excited, Quinn is nonplussed. We then find Will in a waiting room looking at a couple excited at their pregnancy, turns out he drove Fuinn. Finn says the kid's fine, and another heart-to-heart ensues. Finn expresses his understandable anxiety over raising his alleged daughter, turns out Quinn wants to give it up, regardless of whether it's to Terri or not. Finn has all of the anxiety and none of the control, saying Will wouldn't understand.
Cut to Rachel's locker and here's Jacob Van Israel to torment us. Shudder. Anyway, jist is JBI found out about Quinn and when Rachel denies it gets hit with a reminder that Finn's not with her. This is enough for her to confront and we get the terms: his silence for a pair of her undershorts. As the audience dies a thousand deaths, we cut to Sue rigging the coin toss to decide which number gets run first. She calls upon, Kurt, Artie, and all other non-Caucasian students to join her; when Will objects, he sets himself up for both being told it is allowed in the official rules and the (un)natural accusation of being racist.
We cut to Terri and her equally insane sister and some antivaccination Take That!, followed by Will hanging up and lamenting his powerlessness. Terri give naught a toss until he mentions Quinn and naturally she's all ears; apparently Quinn's 10 weeks ahead. Will then gets a second wind and says he's coming to her next "appointment". Terri is agast. After the break, we see Finchel discuss Rachel's sacrifice to keep Quinn's kid under wraps. Finn gives Rachel praise for her actions, unfortunately running right into the boil on the ass of life who wants another pair. Squick. Turns out, Rachel tried for a fakeout but forgot to remove the tag. Oi. JBI then tries for mouth violation and CAN WE MOVE TO THE NEXT SCENE PLEASE?!
...thank you.
As "Sue's Kids" gather together, we get more of "Sue's Corner":
Sometimes people ask me, 'Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorites?' Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.
Sue enters with appropriate accompaniment. Why? Because say what you will, but Sue does have the ability to play to strengths. Specifically, Mercedes' ability to vocalize with the best of them. Thus, a little "Hate on Me" to suit the mood, Mike and Matt with the according moves and the entire group getting down as we see Will observe and be saddened. This ignites the fire that melts the hairgel and both of them throw down publicly, Sue saying she has no problem getting Will fired if it means she wins.
We cut to Will grading papers as Terri offers a beer, saying she could help Will with his glee problems. After being reminded about the last time she helped (see previous recap), Terri tells Will that he needs to fight dirty on this one. Cut to Sue and a random reporter, Sue exposing about the fear she instills in her Cheerios! when she summons the Head Cheerio, who states Will flunked the team, instilling Sue with rage not seen to this point, and will not be seen for quite a while. Cut to the break, then to Figgins' office, where Sue rages while Will points out a test where one of the Cheerios! misspelled her name and answered every question with a sombrero (three guesses which one. Hint: Her cat loves to read her diary). Figgins then pointed out some dyslexia in regards to a previous game while Will says since '92, 95% of the team was flunking Spanish. Sue responds with more madness:
Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.
Deep Sue. Deep.
Figgins lays down the law and checkmates Sue's blackmail by revealing he uploaded the flight instruction video himself, only getting two hits. Speaking of hits, we then see the first occurance of another trademark moment: Sue pitching a bitch fit while Carmina Burana backs her up. Cut to Spanish class, where Finn not so subtly hands Quinn a name for her kid: Drizzle. That may be okay for Puck, but not so much for her as she secretly thanks the heavens Puck's slightly smarter than Finn. After class, Quinn detonates on Finn, reminding him she's giving the kid up and he's to do nothing about it. When Finn says he's a part of this, Quinn states her parents will burn her alive if they find out. She ain't kidding. Finn then drives the shoe in the teeth further by saying he wishes she were a little more like Rachel. Quinn, basically figuring out everything at this point, says that some men do cheat on pregnant girlfriends, then warns Finn not to be one of them.
And here we come to a interesting detour from the plot, the assembled New Directions jamming to Nelly unplugged. I say interesting, because apparently, they were playing around between takes, and were asked to do the same thing, but on camera. In any case, the plot resumes with Will deciding that their number will be "No Air" with Finchel on lead. Quinn, clearly seeing the future in certain regards, complains about togetherness. Girl's got a point. After the overblown number, complete with auto-tuned Finn and wind swept hallways, Quinn, again, peering through the fourth wall, correctly asks if Finchel will dominate every performance. Cut to the domain of the insane, Sue wanting verbatim quoting as we cut back to Quinn planting seeds of dissent. Back to Sue's office as we see Puck and Brittany, Puck with the Judaism and Brittany with the Dutch based dumb blondness.
Speaking of dumb blondes, though in this case dumb and insane blondes, Terri is scrambling to put on her fake stomach as Will walks in wanting Terri to cook, Terri admiring this forcefulness. Will then books a doctor's appointment and Terri's not so admiring anymore. Cut to the teacher's lounge and Hairgel's on the warpath, confronting Sue over losing more kids. Sue offers them back if Will passes the Cheerios!, Will naturally refuses. Cut to Terri's OBGYN, where her and her sister bully the doc into handing them an ultrasound to cover Terri's tracks.
Cut to Rachel's locker, which is slammed by Quinn and HOLY SHIT THE EPISODE IS SAVED! The gloriousness that is these two commences with Quinn warning Rachel to back off of Finn. Rachel admits her ulterior motives, but then reveals that she knows the Unholy Trinity are Sue's moles. Rachel then says, quite correctly, that when Sue finds out Quinn's pregnant, she'll be dropkicked off the squad post haste, so Quinn better know who her real friends are. This then leads into Dianna's first solo (with the Cheerios! as backup), demonstrating that while her vocals are lighter, doesn't mean it's no less powerful as Lea's. And again, we point out the electric chemistry between these two, and believe me, more of this epicness will follow.
Sadly, we have about 13 minutes left. Dammit.
After the break, we get some awkwardness, as we see Quinn, Rachel, and Finn on stage in the auditorium, ready to perform to the rest of ND, currently in Sue's clutches. We then see an attempt at "No Air", only for Sue to order "Sue's Kids" to bail. And thus Will's had all he could stands and he can stands no more, as we see the fight at the top of the episode was a case of In Medias Res. Truths are layed bare as ND stands terrified. Finn, surprisingly, is the only to break it up, leading the rest of ND to rail on the supposed "adults" in the room.
We begin to wrap up business for the week with Will being given Quinn's ultrasound, while we are reminded in proper fashion that when provoked, Sue can be a demon on par with Lucifer. Seems that while she's decided to step down from Glee, she wanted to still contribute, namely asking Will for set lists, so she can give them to other glee clubs. She also wanted to give Will a parting gift. We soon see it as Will gives a pep talk, Sue then drops the boom about Quinn's pregnancy. Seems she cowed JBI into spilling the info and we see Quinn breaking down in Finn's arms while Rachel stands near, horrified at the turn things have taken. We end for the week with "Keep Holding On"; Quinn clearly trying to do just that.
Next Time: The first appearance of one of Glee's signature elements.
Lounge. We see Will eating as Ken and Emma enter. Seems while the previous terms of their engagement stand, Ken insists on them being in the same place when the actual wedding takes place, hence Emma wanting Hawaii cause it's far away from everyone. The dilemma here is song choice for the first dance: Emma wants Broadway, specifically My Fair Lady, Ken wants Sisqo. Thus, they want a mashup and dance lessons. Oh the awkwardness, it is palpable. Will accepts as it's pretty clear Emma wants private lessons only.
In Glee Central, we see Quinn clean up Finn's face while complaining about their being at the base of the social totum pole. Seems that if Finn got nailed, the rest of ND are fair game. Will enters with today's lesson: Things are different so they might not go together, but it's those same differences that make them great. Will hands out the sheet music for his favorite song, "Bust a Move", and expects ND to find songs to mash up with it. Naturally, a performance of said song follows as all and sundry get down, minus Kurt who looks like he needs a hug. And a drink. Title Card ensues.
Emma's office. We see Fuinn wanting advice on how to be cool... yeah, wrong place to go kids. When questioned why they need to be cool, Quinn, clearly still under some of Sue's influence (and we know that will change post haste), lays down something the Tracksuited One herself would utter at that age.
Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets!
Spoken like a true minion, Fabray.
As Quinn talks, Will appears in the background, distracting Emma enough to lamely suggest sunglasses. Because Will totally wasn't wearing them and giving Emma the vapors, no no no. Finn, simple boy he is, agrees, saying covering up the eyes gives the wearer power... then saying he could be having a Male Gaze and no one would notice. Clearly Finnegan has his priorities in check. Emma does end with a point though; be yourself, and if they don't like it, it's on them.
Cut to Will's Spanish classroom where he is moving furniture to make space as Emma enters in full wedding regalia. Will is of course speechless. Turns out the dress is a cousin's hand me down with some bad luck attached (previous owner divorced her hubby in three months). Will thinks it's beautiful as Emma stands nervous, her obvious feelings for Will having never gone away. Will cues up "Thong Song" and naturally bumping and grinding ensues as Emma blushes accordingly, ending with Will tripping over the train and Emma landing on top of him, this close to making out before dubious realistic consequences. Also, naturally, Ken chooses that moment to observe these shenanigans and oh he is rather perturbed.
At practice, we see the Titans in a huddle, Finn's playing being undermined by Azimio Adams (James Earl), one half of a Those Two Guys combo with Karofsky during the first two seasons. Seems Finn's lack of popularity has spread to the team, them questioning his leadership and showing disbelief over Quinn, asking if a "real man" snuck in and did it for him? Well, Puck does have his moments of being an actual human, few and far between as they are. In any event, this hits Finn's Berserk Button and tackling ensues, Tanaka breaking it up. When Tanaka asks where Puck is, Finn says he skipped practice to work on something for Glee, thus hitting Ken's Berserk Button and causing him to take his anger out on the ND members by scheduling extra practices during Glee and thus forcing them to choose.
We cut to Rachel in her bedroom with some Aguilera as no less than the Puckerman mans the acoustic. This was the basis for what became known as Puckleberry; while not as popular a ship as Finchel, it still had its fans. Noah lays down the V/O as unexpected making out ensues: Apparently, while partaking of a traditional viewing of Schindler's List, Puck is lambasted by Mama Puckerman for not dating a Jewish girl. This led to the subconscious offering a suggestion in the form of a dream Rachel entering his bedroom barefoot, a tell that it's not reality. However, it put the seed into Puck's head (big for once) to go after her.
As we see another Big Quench heading towards its victim, we get a subversion as it's Puck offering one to Rachel for actually non-humiliating purposes, before cutting back to the making out. We then see that this is a case of lonely people coming together while pining for the ones they really want, as Rachel pictures Finn. She then babbles an excuse to end things as we cut to the choir room, no one coming up with a mashup. Enter the Puckerman, apparently taking Rachel's excuse about not wanting to be with someone who won't do solos to heart as he indulges in some Neil Diamond, apparently the most famous Jewish singer he could think of; Mark Salling's first solo and first time singing as a matter of fact. Rachel is amused whereas Finn, who has been observing the byplay, not so much. Also, somewhat strangely enough, Santana shows displeasure as well. I say somewhat, for there is some payoff to that down the line. Also, we see Quinn strangely enraptured as well. Not a real spoiler to say that will go somewhere as well.
In the hallway, we see Fuinn with sunglasses on, Quinn expressing pride at how they've suddenly gotten cool again. Of course, it is never that easy, as we see Azimio and some Titans ambush our couple, Big Quenchs at the ready. Sunglasses may protect the eyes, but the rest of the face, not so much. Fun fact: This was in fact the only time Dianna took a slushy. Anyway, Azimio lays down the relevant threats as we once again are taken to "Sue's Corner".
I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.
This is actually not a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment, for there is relevance here. Turns out, head anchor (and local legend) Rod Remington has a thing for our Polyester Princess, offering a date with fondue. And Brittany just got the ideal for the name of a webshow. Sue, surprisingly, has gone all stammering and blushing, accepting the date. And evidently, she needs moves, as we cut to her and Will in the choir room, seems his services are all the rage. 40's style tandem moves occur, Go-Karting with Bowser in full swing here as Will states how happy he is that Sue appears to be easing back on the rage. Sue states she's got a thing for Rod Remington, as we see the two of them in a romantic game of Battleship. Ah, kids these days. Sue needs the lessons as apparently she and Rod are entered in a dance-a-thon for charity. Will also thanks her for not booting Quinn off the Cheerios!, and it seems Sue's turned a new leaf... yeah, we know how this ends.
Oh, and Sue spills about Tanaka making the ND footballers choose so naturally we cut to the locker room for the confrontation. Ken is fully aware Emma wants Will but loves her so much he doesn't care. Will tries to apologize but Ken will hear none of it. Cut to Puckleberry, Rachel pouring her knowledge of Broadway into Puck's ears while he tries very hard not to run. Rachel seems happy to have him on her arm, the problem is that being anywhere in her vicinity these days leads to a face full of corn syrup and sure enough, Karofsky arrives to give Noah karma for all the slushies he's thrown. Cut to the bathroom where he's being cleaned off. Puck is of course remorseful for all the slushies he gave Rachel, as he correctly states the purpose of slushy throwing is not just the cold, but the embarrassment and humiliation that goes with it. To protect himself, he intends to leave Glee.
Cut to Will waiting for Emma to try on dresses. This whole sequence is again tinged in awkwardness as it's very clear that they'd rather be dancing at their own wedding. Of course, they will. Afterwards, we cut to ND looking at the clock as the deadline for the decision approaches. We first get a fake out of no one showing up, then Mike and Matt arrive, followed by Noah. There is one missing of course, and no one is surprised. Cut to the Hudson in question, as the rest of the Titans greet him.
After the break, we get another Big Quench POV, but this time it's Finn, who as a show of loyalty to the Titans is told to slushy one of them. Kurt, ever proactive, slushies himself, then hits an Armor-Piercing Question: Would any of the Titans do that? Cut to Sue, out of the tracksuit for once and into a Zoot Suit, in all her Bifauxnen glory. She's ready for the dance-a-thon, but to the shock of only one person, namely her, she sees Rod and his co-anchor all over each other. It's bad enough to piss her off period. Break her heart? Oh, woe betide to Will Schuester.
Cut to football practice, where we see Puck on the bleachers, deep in thought. Rachel joins him, and reiterates that any thing between them won't work. Rachel wants Finn, and if it hasn't been made clear, Puck knocking Quinn up wasn't another notch on his bedpost, it was him having a night with the woman he loves. Again, we'll follow up on this at a later date. Puck wonders why he can't keep a girl, Rachel accurately states it's because he wants it too much, and she can relate. She admits to being with Noah because she wanted to make Finn jealous, then asks Puck if they can still be friends. Puck, hurt by this revelation, says they weren't friends before. Brutal, but you get where he's coming from.
On the field, Will catches up with Finn, who tells him he's not coming back. Will says this is a crossroads, moments to look back on and think "what if?". Finn disagrees, saying one moment shouldn't define your whole life. Will retorts by saying Finn's letting others make choices for him, and that he understands the pressure Finn's under, saying Finn reminds Will the most about himself. Finn contemplates as we go to break, returning to him in the locker room with Tanaka. Finn's emotional savvy kicks in, him saying he's the leader, and that leaders are supposed to see things that other guys don't. That you can be in Glee and be on the team. This seems to strike a chord in Ken, as he removes the conflicting practice.
We begin our home stretch with Sue on the warpath and in a black tracksuit meaning she's out for blood. She demands ND's setlist post haste or...
I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
Sue then runs into Quinn and in a moment we all knew was coming, officially orders her to turn in her uniform. Cut to Will in Emma's office. He wants to talk about the wedding mashup, saying he can't get them to go together. Emma agrees, and it becomes clear they're not talking about songs. So we put that to bed for now as we cut to the choir room where Finn hands out the Big Quenches as ND celebrates Finn's return. Will states that though no one came up with an actual mashup, he felt the lesson hit. Quinn laments about her not being on the Cheerios!, only for Will to remind her she's definitely not alone.
And then, we get a moment that only happened once. Will gets a brain freeze, then says he can't imagine getting hit with a slushy. Um, Will? Can you pick out the one thing you shouldn't have said? Yep, ND has cups at the ready, and Will gets hit full blast. Cool way to go out for the week.
Next Time: A day in the life of Arthur Abrams.
But first, we set the mood with some Red and White. Yes, Sue's whacky bunch of Polyester Pirouetters start proceedings with some double dutch based routines and GODDAMMIT WHY IS BEN ISRAEL HERE?! 35 seconds in and I wanna weep like a small child. As it turns out, I'm not the only one as we pan up to see a certain newly ex-Head Cheerleader in the bleachers staring at her now former colleagues. Finn joins her and says she shouldn't torture herself, only for her to reveal why she's distracting herself; a sonogram worth $685. Ouch. Quinn knows this is the beginning; meds, clothes, all the basic elements for when the baby arrives. Finn makes the mistake of asking what "we're" gonna do, Quinn correcting accordingly. Finn is looking for a job, almost got Olive Garden but evidently they don't like 6'3' busboys. Quinn insists somewhere in that cavernous space between Finn's ears is a man, and wants him to prove to her she chose the right guy to have a kid with.
And we go back to Ben Israel. It's like they want me to hate this show; (un)fortunately, they still have at least three, possibly four more seasons to get me there. Anyway, JBI proves there is just as much of a gaping hole between the eaxwax by daring to suggest to Sue that with Q gone, so go her chances at Nationals (and just so there is no confusion, cheerleading competitions share the same overall structure as show choir competitions). Sue naturally says otherwise, also naturally, a strong routine by normal standards is mediocre by Sue's, as the team is told to hit the showers. JBI presses about Q getting kicked out and Sue confirms, stating the obvious reasons, then declaring the info off the record to cover her tracks lest someone starts a ruckus.
Meanwhile, we see Will complain to Figgins about how none of the buses have wheelchair ramps. Figgins, who never met a dollar he didn't shield with his very life, says McKinley has a specific budget; when Will calls the Double Standard on the Cheerios!, Figgins demurs by saying Sue's money comes from outside boosters. Will's nostalgia kicks is, saying the bus ride was the best part of the experience. Well, with April Rhodes around, I have no doubt. Figgins tells Will to get the money himself as we hit the Title Card.
Land of Room and Choir. We see Tina stare forlornly at Artie tying his shoes, panning over to Finn telling Quinn he struck out again. Quinn says another bill came to her house, then tells Finn the bills have to be paid lest they go to collections and if the parents Fabray find out about their unknown grandchild, they will unleash hell on Earth. We then cut to Puck behind them subtly glaring at Fuinn as Will comes in with a new number. Turns out certain judges like standards, Broadway (which of course makes a certain member most pleased), et al. Said member says she can defy some gravity. Unfortunately for Rachel, she's not the only one who enjoys some Wicked music, as the competitive Hummel puts on a Death Glare.
Mercedes complains about the strictly formula thus far, saying she'd kill it better than Hummelberry could. She'll get her chance 91 episodes from now. Will of course hears none of it and Berry gets the bid. He then announces a bake sale to raise money for a wheelchair bus; Santana declares bake sales "bougie" as Brittany declares recipes confusing. And thus Brittany drops her first non sequitur; this will of course not be the last. Rachel's dads love their takeout as Finn says kids are busier now than when Will was in school whereas Will declares insensitivity. He's not entirely wrong on this one. After they leave, Will finishes tying Artie's shoes, Artie saying they just don't get how he lives.
And now we get Artie on the six-string, with the most famous ode to masturbation. Actually, this context is more benign, as it's more about Artie's disability isolating himself from the rest of the group, and in this case, Tina. As he's in the auditorium lamenting, Will's in the wings; ND's insensitivity plus Artie pouring his heart out igniting the cells within the curls. In Gleehaven, Kurt wants to audition for the Wicked solo, Will refusing as he tends to other matters, namely, ND's treatment of Artie. The rare forceful Will declares the bake sale; either Artie goes, or they withdraw. And to drive the point home about Artie, a fleet of some of a local nursing home's finest transportation is revealed. New Directions will spend a week living how the Abrams lives. And of course, a number is thrown in.
With the actual Idol in the background, we see ND struggle to adapt to their new method of moving around; Rachel in particular dealing with the height difference. And since a pariah is a pariah, she also gets a faceful of dubious stroganoff. Hey, the Big Quenches have to take a breather. In the home ec room, Quinn and Puck are baking the cookies, Puck deciding to try and step up by giving Quinn the $18 he earned cleaning pools. Quinn, apparently preferring the jobless and dim over the self-employed and less dim, rejects it. Eventually, eggs and flour are thrown around, passions are stirred up and cue the Mood Killer. Yes, Finn enters, sees the dirtied Quinn and Puck and wonders if they know the eggs and flour are supposed to wind up in the bowl. Then again, knowing Finn, he probably didn't know either.
Burt's Tire Shop. Burt, after not seeing his favorite donut in the box, then sees a distracted Kurt who laments about how Will won't let him sing "Defying Gravity" because it's usually sung by women. Burt wonders why can't he, stressing about how there's more crossover between "established" gender roles. We then see a visual of that in the form of McKinley's newest member of the wrestling team, Lauren Zizes (Ashley Fink). We'll get back to her in due course. Cut back to Kurt, who's ennui is enough for Burt to go right to Figgins, who goes right to Will who capitulates quickly. We'll debate his guts later. We cut to between Choir Room and Figgins' office where it's decided there'll be a "Defying Gravity"-off; ND will judge. Rachel, after hearing the news, reacts in predictable style, saying it'll be a popularity contest. Kurt gets ND to swear to judge on the voice, not the looks. Rachel, of course, invokes Diva Storm-Out #25, though it is harder to stage a diva storm-out in a wheelchair.
Figgins praises Will for the wheelchair idea, only for Will to then ask for another ramp. Naturally, like a siren song, the Adidas Archangel swoops in and declares ramps "lazy makers". Figgins then decides to have the Cheerios! in wheelchairs as well. Sue naturally objects, leading to the above quote and the unintentional Foreshadowing for Q therein. Figgins also decrees that with Quinn out, there'll be an open call to fill the slot, with Will overseeing for fairness.
Bake Sale. They're hard enough, throw in a school that sees you as less than nothing and it takes everything in you not to eat your sorrows away. We see Brittany, not in a chair and leading a student towards the baked goods. This is Becky Jackson (Lauren Potter), a Downs student who will become important in due course. Brit-Brit buys Becky a cupcake as Quinn blows up at Finn for his general ineptitude, asking how he'll take care of the kid when he can't sell a cupcake. Finn sends it right back, kicking his wheelchair in the process and starting a Running Gag that'll become a part of his character. Quinn storms out, leaving Puck with a smug grin. Again, he has a job, just saying.
Gym. We see Will and Sue with the auditions. Among them are Mercedes, Kurt (we will follow up on this in a few episodes), Lauren Zizes, JBI (WHY?!). Sue's about to bail when Becky shows up. Will and the rest of us expect her to unload with both barrels, but in one of the first examples of Sue being a wildcard, she let's Becky onboard. Smart move, as Becky will become Sue's right-hand woman and personal minion all the way until the halfway point of Season 5, ultimately becoming head of the Secret Service for VP Sylvester.
Cut to Puck reading Finn the riot act for how he's acted lately, his own anger at being left out of the situation bubbling to the surface. When Finn complains about how no one's hiring, Puck says that's no excuse, and that Finn's spent so much time bitching and whining that he's hasn't taken the time to see how it's affecting her. Finn says Puck's out of line, only for Puck to declare Finn a punk who doesn't deserve to have Quinn as his girlfriend. That's enough to hit Finn's Berserk Button, and fighting ensues. Will tries to play peacemaker, goes about as well as you'd expect.
After the break, we see Artie trying to teach moves for the wheelchair number, complete with Brad Ellis in a chair as well. Tina stays behind, saying how hard being in the chair is. Artie says it's like Tina's stutter, after a while you don't notice it. We then get some backstory for Artie; car wreck at 8, numb from the navel down, genitals remain functional. That last bit of info was a bit too much for Ms. Cohen-Chang, and she wheels off. We then cut to the choir room where we see Kurt go through vocal runs, with piano accompaniment. This serves as dramatic music as we intercut with Burt getting a phone call about Kurt, referring to him as the standard slur. Burt is naturally pissed and tells Kurt as such, saying he wishes the missus was still around. This rattles Kurt's confidence as we cut to Finchel, Finn fixing a wheel on Rachel's chair. Rachel expresses her nervousness about the "Diva-Off", saying as much as she wants the solo, the fact that it's ND, who tolerate her on a good day, pretty much seals her fate. Finn of course is the exception. Unfortunately, possibly, Quinn arrives with another bill, saying if Finn doesn't pay, he'll pay. Finn says he's screwed, Rachel disagrees.
After the break, we see the bake sale jumping, apparently Puck found an old family recipe and the cupcakes are flying off the shelves. We then get the V/O: No recipe except the basic one, Noah gots his bake on, his love for Quinn and desire to be a family kicking into overdrive. Of course, the appearance of one Sandy Ryerson should tip off what the "secret ingredient" was, Noah even adding a sob story so Ryerson lowers the price. Hell, he didn't even go overboard, just added enough to trigger the munchies. Like I said, comparatively speaking, more brains than Finnegan. We then cut to Sue putting Becky through drill, Becky quickly tiring out as Will looks on from the sidelines. He tries to complain about Sue "bullying" her, only to say she's not like everybody else. Sue of course pounces on that, saying Becky wants to be treated like everybody else.
And now, Welcome to Diva-Dome. Finn offers Rachel his support, natch, while we see Kurt and Rachel alternate. However, Kurt's rattled confidence, coupled with a need to spare Burt any supposed embarrassment, causes him to tank the highest note in the song. Afterwards, we see Quinn at her locker as Puck arrives. Seems he got his Robin Hood on, robbing from the "rich" (ND) and giving to the "poor" (Quinn). When she calls him on it, he says he may be a team player, but his family comes first. This in turn causes Quinn to remove the tag of "Lima Loser" from him, calling him romantic. Admittedly, we will say they aren't too bad as a potential couple, and we weren't that surprised that they officially got together near the end of the series. Quinn does however see that taking the bake sale money was wrong and does plan to return it.
And naturally, this brings in Finnegan, who got scheming with Rachel to con a restaurant into hiring a "handicapable" person. Finchel, you're a pair of idiots. Nonetheless, Quinn seems to at least appreciate the effort, sitting on Finn's lap as he wheels away, her eyes locking on Puck's. After the break, we see Puck hand over $1200 to Will, a damn good take for any bake sale. Artie, after being told to give it to Figgins and apparently still rattled over Tina, says he'd rather the money go towards a ramp for the auditorium. Turns out, Artie need not worry, as the Chaotic Neutral with the bullhorn wrote a check to cover three ramps. We then see the reason why Sue's got a soft spot for the disabled; her older sister, Jean, has Downs herself and is in a nursing home. Sue comes to visit every week. Even the most tyrannical despots have that one side of themselves.
We cut to Tartie having a wheelchair race, which of course Artie wins. Tina rises to give him a kiss, then reveals something we've suspected since the start: the stutter's fake. Turns out, Tina was shy (no really) and figured if it made people think she was weird, she'd be left alone. Artie, as you'd expect, doesn't take this well. Cut to the tire shop where Kurt tells Burt he blew the "Diva-Off" because winning it would bring more calls and more threats to the Hummel family and he wanted to protect Burt. We conclude business with a little Rolling on the River, some "Proud Mary" to roll us out for the week.
Next Time: False revelations come to light, as we'll see a former Cheerio! broken by her demon father.
We get V/O's in the meantime: Turns out Kurt has suddenly got a thing for Finn, Noah hates undershorts (no shock there), Finn's got the Male Gaze directed towards Rachel's ass while Quinn's got a Death Glare directed at the ass next to her, Rachel notices Will's eyes and nice teeth, while Will goes into Oh, Crap! mode, seems he's dealt with this before. We end with the rest of ND weirded out, while Will wonders why him as we hit the Title Card.
And we hit the Mood Whiplash as we see Quinn at home with her parents, Judy (Charlotte Ross) and Russell (Gregg Henry). It turns out the Fabrays are well known in Lima's "high society", with Quinn as the "perfect child". They also never met an alcoholic beverage they didn't enjoy. With that combo, plus certain revelations to come next season, it's amazing Quinn still has any semblance of sanity left. Anyway, there's a "chastity ball" upcoming, an excuse for Russell to hobknob while showing off his accessories I mean wife and child. Seriously, you can pratically see the broken look in Judy's eyes and Quinn's half way there. Judy, as you'd expect, is complaining about Quinn's sudden weight gain, glee club, all things you'd expect from a woman deprived of her self worth. Russell then enters and credit to Dianna on this, she manages to channel about a bunch of different emotions at once. The big one being fear as Russell invites Finn over for dinner and you can spot the outcome from a mile away.
Back to the "A-plot", Rachel giving Will a gold star tie. At least it wasn't hairgel. Will is freaked out and says as much to Emma, apparently he's had students get feelings for him prior to this. Emma, after saying on a list of crush-worthy teachers he'd be #1, asks where this started. Will says the duet, then talks about a student named Suzy Pepper. Two years prior, Pepper was doing the same things Rachel is doing now, gifts and what not. Then it escalated to calls at night, which Terri shut down, when Will tried to confront, Pepper had a meltdown and tried offing herself with the spiciest pepper known to man. End result: holes in the esophagus and a three-day medically induced coma. Emma suggests another song.
Cut to Furt, trying to get the ballad thing going but this being Finn, no dice. He then snaps, tired of people trying to pull him apart, the baby situation getting to him. Kurt, with some subtlety (IE, none), says maybe girls are the problem. All Finn wants to do is be in his kid's life and Quinn won't let him. Kurt of course says to sing it out. When Finn asks how it'll make him better, Kurt says to picture his kid in the audience; he then takes to the piano to help Finn with "I'll Stand By You", intercut with Finn singing to the sonogram among other scenes. This is all quite touching, which will of course make the revelations about the baby's true parentage all the more tragic.
Unfortunately for Finn, the hits just keep on coming; as it turns out, in all the commotion, he apparently neglected to tell Carole about her (supposedly) being a grandmother. Pressure about the kid may be one thing, but not even bothering to tell your own mother? Finn, you're an idiot. And fair warning folks, this won't be the only time those words are typed out. Finn breaks down in Carole's arms.
Back from the break, Quinn is unloading on Finn for telling Carole, worried she'd tell Judy. The rest of ND are tired of the baby angst as well, some members even getting the hives. Kurt, sensing an opportunity, again tries to surreptitiously sell Finn on the idea of relations with the masculine sex. Finn dismisses concerns, chalking it up on the hormones. We then see (and hear) that apparently, despite not showing it until this moment, Kurt always had a thing for Finn, starting from the moment he berated Puck for slamming Kurt into a locker. Right, and the complacency during the pilot's dumpster tossing was a figment of our imagination. We then cut to Kurt offering Finn skin care products in the locker room. General daydreaming ensues, apparently Kurts finds the incompetency sexy. Wait until the end of the episode, you'll think Finn is sex on a stick. Kurt reveals a plan; try to convert Finn by waiting until Quinn breaks his heart, then strike. Sound plan, won't work.
Choir Room. Rachel is waiting for Will, who enters with Emma, causing Rachel to grimace, this all leading to a mashup designed to get Rachel to back off. To no one's surprise but Will's, it doesn't work. To compound things, as Rachel leaves, we see Suzy Pepper glare a hole into her. After the break, we find ourselves in Finn's garage, Kurt and Finn bonding over their deceased parents as Finn tries to find a suit for the Fabrays. Finn says he's lucky his dad died when he was young, so he wouldn't have the emotional attachment. He then finds one of his dad's suit jackets, lamenting about his father's bravery when he can't tell his girlfriend's parents about their grandkid. Kurt then suggest Finn sing to the Fabrays. Oh Kurt, ulterior motives aside, you mean well, but this will not end well.
Will returns home, and is handed a beer. Now of course, anyone with basic functions knows what's up here and sure enough, our Ms. Berry snuck in to Casa de Schue and made dinner. Actually, Terri let her in, somewhat amused by the whole process, and subtly amused that anyone would dare to have feelings for Will besides her. Terri has put Rachel to work around the house. Terri, who at this point we should remind you is in fact insane, then bitches about how Will gets to work with the younger set while she cleans. Will has had it and takes Rachel home, putting her in the back seat so she couldn't get handsy. Awkward conversation ensues, Rachel puting a CD in of her singing "Crush", which Will immediately removes. Awkward conversation resumes with Rachel saying she's tired of high school boys. Will fears for his life.
Rachel is then walking down the hallway at school when Suzy Pepper arrives and warns her to stay away from Will. We then pan to Mercedes talking to Tina right in front of Puck, lamenting about how all the focus is on Fuinn. Puck doesn't seem to care, but when Mercedes reveals all of ND are gonna sing to Fuinn, Puck reveals he's the father of Quinn's baby. Mercedes then drops a The Reason You Suck speech, dismissing Puck as nothing more than a sperm donor.
And we go from the frying pan to the fires of the pit, as we cut to dinner at the Fabrays. We get the underlying tension filled atmosphere as Russell proposes a toast to his family, including unseen older daughter Frannie, evidentaly a Generation Xerox. Russell then praises Quinn's accomplishments, all the while the audience knows what's coming and thus the tension ramps up as we see Finn and Quinn sit nervously, both waiting for the night to end. Finn heads for the bathroom, calling Kurt who calms him down. We see Finn psych himself up for what's to come. Finn walks out with Judy's kitchen radio as Quinn immediately figures out what Finn's doing and begs him to stop. Unfortunately, whatever brain cells Finn has decided to go to lunch as he goes into "You're Having My Baby".
You have seen these words before. You will most definitely see them again. But there are at least three times in the history of Glee where these words ring more true than usual.
Finn. You. Are. An. IDIOT.
After the break, we cut to the face of the devil himself. Russell, after twisting the knife by reminding her of all the good times of him, her and her sister, unleashes all the circles of hell on Quinn, every one you could think of before disowning her, Judy so cowed by Russell that she does nothing. And Dianna's acting couldn't be more perfect here. Quinn then moves in with Finn and Carole.
Unfortunately, we return to the "a-plot". Rachel is touching up her makeup as Suzy Pepper confronts, only not to attack, but to say her and Rachel are not so different, saying Will is a target for self-esteem issues, him not returning their affections reinforcing their worthlessness. Pepper says Rachel needs her self-esteem back. After the break, we're in the choir room with Rachel handing Will flowers followed by Will putting this plot to bed by letting her down gently, saying their is someone out there for her.
We cut to Kurt horrified at the news of Quinn being disowned, Finn assuring Kurt it wasn't his fault for what happened, then thanking for the chance to let his feelings out. BTW, the title of Kurt's ballad to Finn? ..."I Honestly Love You". Awkward complementing ensues as we conclude for the week with ND serenading Fuinn with "Lean On Me", some Enforced Method Acting in playnote , as ND reaffirms their status as True Companions, and Dianna Agron reaffirms her status as one of Glee's strongest players.
Next Time: New Directions whips their hair back and forth.
We then see Will in enemy territory, as JAA looks like a Bowdlerized take on OZ, but with more singing. After Will gets an ID badge and patdown, we cut to the warden I mean the director, Grace Hitchens (Eve), dealing with a bank robber who pickpockets Will on the way out. Will states why he's there, Hitchens immediately accuses Will of stereotyping, saying they're more ramshackle than ND is, which to be fair is saying something. Hitches says they won't risk cheating, then reveals she had spies at the invitation six episodes back, so they're confident they can take ND. Will then apologizes by offering JAA the use of the McKinley auditorium; we then cut to ND in said auditorium. JAA commences with the Destiny's Child as ND sit aghast, overwhelmed by the mass of undulating buttocks.
Of course, Rachel then rubs in the mistake Will made by dismissing the performance as "hairography" a form of smoke and mirrors; frizzy hairstyles distract from lukewarm routines. Will ponders as we cut to him entering Glee Central with a new number, the theme from Hair. Will clearly heard only one word Rachel said. Finn accurately asks, after Puck points out his 'hawk, if they should have more hair. Will produces the wigs. Rachel wonders about the hairgel between the ears, saying they don't need "hairography" only for Will to reveal his being rattled by JAA. After the admittedly funny visual of the ND men in their new attire, we quickly cut to Quick, Puck giving Quinn a book called "How To Raise a Baby on $5 a Day". Quinn says it's sweet, but is so overwhelmed she doesn't know what to do about the baby. Puck offers no pressure as Quinn V/O's about how she needs acceptance, all the pressure she's under is getting to her, specifically by a certain escaped mental patient Will still shares a roof with. Yes, Terri is still pressuring Quinn to give her the child, but more than ever, Quinn is seriously starting to regret it. She then figures maybe it isn't that she wants to give the kid up, but that she doesn't wanna raise it with Finn. Puck looks at her with longing in the eyes as Quinn decides to give Puck a chance. To do that, she needs to distract Finn, and what better way to do it than with Rachel... that came out wrong.note
Turns out, fashion is the key as Quinn consults the resident guru. Kurt says Rachel dresses both as infant and elderly simultaneously, so it would be an uphill battle. We then get a visual as we see Rachel in a 70's style pantsuit that is just... no. Quinn then plays the ego, saying a makeover could get Rachel humbled in the judge's eyes. Kurt agrees. After the break, we cut to Terri and Will in bed, a pillow between them. Will tries for coupling, only for Terri to turn feral, apparently the pillow was so Terri wouldn't chance Will seeing the lack of baby bump. Will says once the child arrives it'll be all worth it, Terri getting a V/O for once as she says the clock is ticking and she needs more time.
In Rachel's bedroom, we see Taskmaster Hummel rip the brows off the eyes, then insult Rachel's personality and taste in decor. Kurt complements the performing, but all other aspects aren't all that good. Rachel wants to know what Kurt has in mind; Kurt wants to broaden her appeal, but when Rachel says she'd like to impress Finn, you can see the daggers in the peepers. Kurt then decides to invoke the film Grease and once again, we spot the inevitable from a mile away.
In a parking garage, Terri leads a tie-blindfolded Will to The Alleged Car, similar to the one that took the both of them to prom. Terri thinks Will working on it would be a good distraction as Quinn arrives with Terri's equally insane sister Kendra. Turns out, Quinn told Kendra she's having second thoughts about giving Terri the baby. Cut to Will's office where he is apologizing to Haverbrook choir director Dalton Rumba for not inviting the Haverbrook glee club to McKinley. Rumba is not hearing it and reads Will the riot act, all while Rumba's phone rings; turns out he's deaf in one ear. Will arranges the performance as we go to break.
We return with Terri contemplating telling Will the truth. Don't worry, he finds out next episode. Of course, Will arrives soaked in grease and masculinity and this causes Terri to demur. Kendra, who is more insane than Terri, has a plan to make sure Quinn gives her kid up; have her and Puck babysit Kendra's offspring and be driven to surrendering the child.
We cut back to McKinley and oh we have eyes full of legs as Rachel arrives in a Little Black Dress, the first time we see Lea Michele show off the bod. Finn notices and has to reboot his mental processor, which should take infinity. Rachel invites Finn over and you'd need about a million towels to clean up the drool. Finn then runs into Quinn who absently gives the okay for Finchel; Quinn then runs into Puck and asks him to help her babysit and all the distractions seem to be working.
In the choir room, Will's been getting questions about "hairography" and thus has Brittany teach it; turns out it's a Actor-Inspired Element. This is also a rare occurrence of Brit-Brit letting the hair down while still in Sue's colors. Britney compares "hairography" as "cool epilepsy". Brit, you are a treasure. All of ND whip their hair back and forth, minus Rachel as we cut to Sue observing and looking perturbed, Will spotting her and confronting her on spilling the set lists. Sue, as she is won't to do, undercuts Will by accusing him of using "hairography" to hide ND's percieved faults, threatening to be put back as co-director if "hairless" set lists aren't sent to her. The rest of ND look on, once again being caught in the crossfire. Hell, even Brad looks forlorn.
Rachel's room. Mentioning Grease in regards to makeovers only leads one way and sure enough, Rachel appears in full "Sandy in the last act" regalia. After an aborted second attempt at "You're The One That I Want", it turns out this was Kurt's plan all along; seems Finn likes girls with minimal makeup, and dismisses Rachel as a "sad clown hooker", afterwards admitting for the first time that he does indeed like her. Rachel is shaken up by the whole thing.
Speaking of being shaken up, we see Kendra's tiny terrors, followed by a tied-up Quick. Seems Puck suggested Cowboys and Indians and made the mistake of being the Indians. After accidentally holding hands in the midst of freeing themselves, Puck suggests bringing out the acoustic to calm them down; this leading to some situationally appropriate Madonna. It is in the midst of this that we see lots of eye contact; as mentioned before, they admittedly to make for a cute couple. After the kids are put to bed, we see Kendra and Terri aghast at Quick's skills before we cut to Will and Kendra's husband sharing beers, Will happy about the car, only for Kendra's husband to bring Will down to reality by pointing out it's not a kid-friendly car. Meanwhile, Quinn and Puck leave, Quinn surprised at how she enjoyed the job, while Puck says this means they've got this parenting thing down.
Kurt's locker. Rachel confronts about the makeover and Kurt makes the mistake of gloating, tipping her off to Kurt's own feelings. When Rachel then tries to remind Kurt that Finn's straight, it goes through one ear and out the other, Kurt throwing both of them under the bus by saying they're both distractions for Fuinn.
And now, for a moment that will become Hilarious in Hindsight a season or thereabouts from now. Santana warns Quinn to stay away from Puck. Yeah, see, when they're were tied up at Kendra's, Puck was supposedly texted by Mike about his wig; turns out, while Noah honestly wants to help Quinn raise their child, the libido sadly will override everything else; the text was in fact a sext from Santana. See, once again, we remind you that pissing off someone with an acid tongue is bad enough. Breaking their heart, especially when they're carrying your kid? That's a level of stupid that later events will prove to be only found in the Glee writers room.
Choir Room. The Haverbrook choir is sitting down to watch ND perform, and it turns out that when in doubt? You mash it up. Yep, wigs a plenty, ND break out the Hair mixed in with the Beyonce. Afterwards, it's ND's turn to watch Haverbrook perform and they go right for the spoken John Lennon. ND are in awe, enough to fill in the vocals.
We then cut to Quinn on the warpath. Finding her target, she confronts Puck, who is not even trying to hide his wandering eyes, about the alleged sext, grabbing his phone to confirm. Upon confirmation, Puck pathetically tries to invoke I'm a Man; I Can't Help It and of course that is the LAST thing Quinn wants to hear, as she decides to reaffirm her decision to give Terri the baby. Quinn then tells Will he'll be a good father. Will then takes Terri to show that he traded in the fixer-upper for a family van. Terri is touched, but still worried as we cut to a forlorn Quinn. Finn sees her, confesses going to Rachel's but says nothing happened, reaffirming that he wants to be with her. Two episodes from now, this will all be the most bittersweet. To drive it home, we see Rachel and Kurt observe, their own faces saying it all.
We begin the home stretch with Will apologizing to Sue for the "hairography", swearing that the Sectionals performance will be simple: them on stools. Sue then hands the new set list over to Haverbrook and JAA, when Hitches objects, Sue points out that with their comparatively dubious reps, that a Sectionals win will boost their standings. Seems the Reverse Sue-cology in this case is never to let anything distract you from winning. And thus, we conclude the first half of Season 1 with Tina taking the vocal reigns as ND show off their "True Colors", Rachel/Finn/Quinn/Puck/Kurt all staring at each other forlornly and longingly and all other "-ly" words you can think of.
Next Time: The inevitable revelation of Terri's pregnancy, leading to a Out-of-Character Moment and Will almost costing everyone everything.
We start the second half of Season 1 with Will in the lounge with Ken and Emma, apparently it's yearbook time. Ken's been slimming down, seems the wedding's been pushed up and Will is not pleased, especially since it's at the same time as Sectionals. Oh dear. We then Enter the Tracksuit, though one with a pair of shiners; sadly Emma, no one punched her, she had her tear ducts removed. Sue seems to not care about the yearbook, saying her acolades define her, where as the yearbook is the only proof of the faculty's relevance. She then reveals the yam diet the Cheerios! are on for the pictures; when Will mentions New Directions' photo, Sue says nope, apparently, vandalism of the glee photos led Figgins to remove them entirely.
Speaking of glee, cut to Gleehalla, where ND sans Rachel is gathered around the piano with a stack of yearbooks. Evidently, slushies seem to be the only torture ND's gone through; a yearbook photo would expose them to more severe lashings. Kurt wishes to have ND left out of the yearbook, producing past glee photos for visuals, one past glee member having snapped and is now "Patches", the homeless man in front of the library, another having a knife in her head and serving as sad Foreshadowing. Will enters and declares there will be a photo, ND reacting accordingly as we hit the Title Card.
Figgins' office. Figgins says he's doing ND a solid by leaving them out of the yearbook, when Will says they perform regardless of circumstances, Figgins says okay, ND can have a page... for $1000. He's supposed to be a cheapskate, right? Turns out, McKinley yearbooks serve as adspace for local businesses, hell, even a quarter page is $325. Of course, all this talk about photos pings the Berry ego and here she is to rattle Figgins by threatening to invoke the ACLU if ND doesn't get a photo. Will saves her the trouble though, as we go to a Rachel V/O stroking said ego, manifesting in the form of her getting into many clubs as possible so she can be in as many yearbook pics as possible. Rachel does put Glee ahead of everything else though, saying it's something she's proud of, something she wants to be remembered for. Unfortunately, not everyone shares that feeling, as we pan to Brittany and Santana defacing said pictures. This is in front of Quinn, who V/O's about missing Cheerios!, wanting to be a person her kids (not including the one she's carrying) can be proud of. Her dormant inner HBIC agrees, declaring she'll be in the Cheerio! yearbook pic one way or another.
Schue house. Will, after trying to figure out ties for the yearbook photo, asks Terri about buying space for New Directions. Terri of course lashes out, only acting a bit more smug about it. This seems to unsettle Will a bit, as we cut to him cutting the check anyway. Figgins is pleased as we cut to Gleeicon Valley, where Rachel is in full ego mode, suggesting to Kurt they form a "Gaylesbal", or Gay Lesbian Alliance. Why would Rachel... never mind. Will enters and says ND's getting a photo, saying a Regionals win will makes them collectors items, everyone will want to autograph them. Give it about two seasons and come back to us on that. The compromise is it's the last page and only two members can appear. So a vote will be made for captains.
Break. Cut back to ND looking dubious, Rachel aside. Said Berry attempts to sway voting with a speech, only for everyone to save themselves the earache and immediately vote for her. When Will reminds them they need two captains, all say it's cool. This causes Will to vent to Emma about how ND still think they're losers. When Emma tries to apologize for not being able to go to Sectionals, Will correctly says it's because Ken scheduled the wedding on the same day on purpose. Emma half-heartedly tries to defend Ken, but you can tell she's not even buying it. Back to Gleesylvania, where Rachel is summoned. Will puts her to work trying to find a co-captain; surprisingly, she is open to the concept. Thus, "You Might Think" we have a montage, and we do, as Rachel is shot down by the rest of ND, leading up to Finn of course. When he tries to reject, Rachel points out that as a leader, he sticks the neck out for others. Finn agrees.
Gleeworld. Rachel attempts to get Finn to practice smiling for their photo, naturally this requires a song called "Smile". Hell, the only one not smiling at this point is Brad. Cut to the locker room where Finn is changing, unfortunately he's attacked by Azimio and apparent new Titan Karofsky, seems they heard about the photo. Of course, anytime Finn musters up confidence, he is immediately given hell for it; thus when we cut to Rachel in the photo room, Finn doesn't appear. She tries to go after him, only to stop and berate herself for being defined by what others think and how they disappoint. This leads into some Satchmo, some snaps, and an ability to cry on command. We cut to the Land of Gleeful Noise, where a meeting comes to order, Finn arriving late naturally. Turns out, Rachel wove her webs thanks to the yearbook photographer and got ND in a local mattress ad.
Cut to ND in their evening finery, Rachel trying to rally the troops, Mercedes demonstrating she can deploy an ego herself. The manager arrives as they rehearse, naturally the script is total rubbish. Rachel though, has an idea and sure enough, we get the Van Halen on some fine coils. Hell, even the manager jumped.
Back to Will's place. He's trying to find a pocket square... and instead finds Terri's fake stomach. This causes the cogs within the curls to begin turning as he begins to put it all together. And thus, we get the confrontation. Terri offers the token excuses before Will pulls up the shirt and it all blows out: hysterical pregnancy, using Quinn's ultrasound, wanting Quinn's baby, trying to keep him in line. You can see in Will's expression the Tranquil Fury as it's clear that if he was that kind of guy, this would end with Terri needing an icepack and Will needing a lawyer that's not a divorce attorney.
We go to Will's office, pillow and blanket in hand. He then sees a stack of mattresses, a gift for the commercial. Will takes one off the top and sleeps on it; this will prove to be a stupid idea as we'll see. And now, Mood Whiplash with Sue Sylvester.
Am I asking for too much, Ohio Board of Statewide Holiday Planning? All I want is just one day a year where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties. Seriously Ohio, these retinas need a day off. So hear's the dream. Friday after Christmas, which if have off, if you're hideous, stay at home. Spend the entire day watching home videos of a time when you weren't too repulsive for me to ever wanna look at.
As Sue leaves, she catches ND's commercial on a monitor and is flummoxed. At school, Quinn approaches, demanding to be part of the Cheerios! photo in the yearbook. Sue of course refuses, then bellows that ND stepped in it with the commercial. We see what that means; that stack of mattresses? Turns out that according to official rules, no professional activity will be tolerated, and payment for services rendered negates amateur status triggering an automatic DQ. In other words, no commercials and no accepting of gifts for said commercial. Will is clearly having an amazing day.
Cut to Sue gloating, only for Quinn to arrive in the red and white. Sue is particularly cruel here, engorged with venom and triumph. Quinn calls Sue a hypocrite, calling her out over ND while giving the Cheerios! all manner of items. This sets the stage for possible mutually assured destruction, so Sue calls for terms. Quinn delivers the obvious one: One of the Cheerios! pages goes to New Directions for $0. Sue, though piqued for being called out, can respect ruthlessness, and does so, calling Quinn a young version of herself, before dismissing her. Quinn gets the parting shot, changing her mind about being Sue's minion, saying she doesn't wanna be on a team where she only appears to belong. She'd rather be part of a club that's proud to have her. Remember this when we start Season 2. You'll wanna punch things.
Will is back in Emma's office lamenting his errors. Emma suggests that Will focus on his own life, and that if she were in Will's loafers, she'd get that the heart was in the right place, but the intentions were fucked up. This gives Will an idea, cut to ND looking aghast. Seems Will's taking the bullet himself and ND's going to Sectionals without him. Will says the best teachers don't give answers, they just give you the means to find them yourself. That is the tone with which we end for the week, ND taking their group photo with Chaplin in the background, and of course, Karofsky smiling with the defacing.
Smile everyone.
Next Time: The first trip to Sectionals, and we'll find out whether New Directions can survive without their fearless leader.
...huh. Might wanna follow up on that one down the road.
Anyway, Rachel walks by for a distraction, then we resume chatter, the gist of it being to keep lips sealed for now as we hit the Title Card.
We go to Emma's office, where she tells Will she pushed the wedding back a few hours so she can chaperone ND to Sectionals. When Will accurately states Ken will flip, we cut to him doing just that, then back to Emma for the Blatant Lies. Cut to Quinn's locker and QUINN AND RACHEL HAVE A SCENE TOGETHER THIS EPISODE WILL RULE REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S TO COME. The epic starts with Rachel, again, putting everything together, asking Quinn if she had a full test panel done on her baby, saying she had a cousin whose wife got pregnant and then found out he was a carrier of Tay-Sachsnote . Subtle Rachel is subtle, as we cut to Quinn begging Puck to get a test panel done. Puck, sliding towards his Jerkass tendencies, says he has Fight Club as Will gathers everyone around to tell them Emma's taking them to Sectionals.
When ND question about a set list, Will says they're on their own, then exits. Rachel tries to flex ego, but Mercedes asserts herself, leading to Emma giving Mercedes a try, and thus leading to Mercedes getting her Dreamgirls on. Hell, even "Tinkles" Ellis was tickled to perform. Rachel is suitably humbled. Cut to her and Finn in the hallway, Finn complimenting her on putting the ego aside. Rachel sees Finn excited about Sectionals, and as we've established, if Finn gets even the slightest bit of confidence, something will always bring him back to earth. Thus, Rachel has something to tell him...
And here we come to a defining moment in the character of Finnegan Hudson. Up to this point, he's been shown to be pretty mellow, only really lashing out when cornered or provoked. But what we have here now is what happens when his Berserk Button is not only pressed, but shattered. Rachel told the truth, and now Puck pays the consequences, as we return from break to Finn unleashing the ol' ultraviolence on him. Will breaks it up as Finn screams for the truth and Quinn gives it to him. When Quinn confirms Puck's the father, Finn declares himself done and a chair is kicked as Quinn breaks down and Rachel stands horrified.
Cut to Quinn in the hallway. Rachel arrives and begs for forgiveness, only for Quinn to say she's not mad, all Rachel did was what Quinn didn't have the balls to do. They sit for a moment, Rachel admitting she only did it so Finn would dump Quinn and get with her; now, neither of them have him. And yet, for a moment, they have each other. Interesting. Quinn laments about hurting everyone, then dismisses Rachel. Puck arrives, saying he wants to be with Quinn and raise their child. Heart's in the right place Noah, timing sucks as Quinn says she's doing this alone.
Cut to a less than happy ND as Artie is loaded on the bus for Sectionals, and apparently ND was so rattled by what happened that they asked Jacob Ben Israel to take Finn's place. Thankfully we've had two Quinn/Rachel scenes or I've would've already subverted a Vomit Discretion Shot. Will looks on brokenly as the bus leaves. Cut to the lobby of the civic center where Sectionals are being held, Emma having signed in. According to the lineup, ND goes on last and Rachel says it's a good thing, either setting the pace or being freshest in the judges' minds. Mercedes then decides to tempt fate by saying it's good to think positive; of course, we cut to Jane Adams Academy doing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" to say otherwise. This is where ND realizes Sue's been stealing set lists as we follow with "Proud Mary" with wheelchairs. ND sit forlornly (well, minus JBI, the dumbass) as Emma tells Will. Will immediately knows what to do, but not before confronting Sue who just happened to be walking by. After the obligatory threats, we cut to Finn in the locker room. Will arrives and Finn gets a lesson on how Being Good Sucks, after which Will leaves his car keys with the clear implication and invitation.
We return from break to see the respecting directors of JAA and Haverbrook at the snack table. Emma arrives to confront the both of them, saying if they believed in their kids, they wouldn't cheat. Cut to Haverbrook doing the Bootstrapped Theme and this sets Rachel off, calling for a meeting. Kurt accuses Brittany and Santana of giving Sue the set list, turns out Brit-Brit knew not what she had done. Santana then admits she likes being a member of ND and wouldn't fuck it up. Rachel offer suggestions, Mercedes says she should have the solo, Rachel of course coming prepared for such contingency. We follow that up with the expected 11th-Hour Ranger, as Finn arrives, song in hand. He calls upon the dancers for a routine, then lays down a Will-esque peptalk, calling upon inner belief. After dismissing JBI (who, surprise surprise, was only in it to get into Rachel, dear god), he makes it clear to Puck and Quinn that nothing is forgiven, before warning Rachel not to screw up.
Now it's New Directions time to shine. We start with Rachel belting out the Streisand, followed by some Stones (seems Finn took some of Will's words literally), all the while Will hears and weeps. To be fair, this was arguably the cast's best performance to this point. In the Judges Room, the judges (your basic Dumb Blonde beauty pageant runner up, Ohio's Vice Comptroller and paid cynic, Rod Remington), kvetch about Haverbook and why they're there et al, as ND eavesdrop. JAA director Hitchens arrives to own up to getting the set list, but the decision has been made.
Will's house. Will is getting dressed for Ken and Emma's wedding, and seriously, why is Terri still there. Terri claims responsibility; going to therapy and what not. Will has none of it though, dismissing her as we cut to the dilapidated setup for the wedding of the second. Will arrives to an empty setup, Ken pulled a runner. Emma finally admits her feelings for Will, but is so distraught at hurting Ken that she tendered her resignation to Figgins; when Will says he left Terri, Emma rejects, not wanting to be a rebound.
Fortunately, not all things in Will's life are bad. Cut to Figgins' office, where it seems JAA and Haverbrook owned up to getting the set list from Sue. Figgins, knowing full well this will not end well for him, suspends Sue. In addition, Figgins went to the governing board of Ohio and cleared everything up, giving Will his job back. In the hallway, we see Sue declare Will a Worthy Opponent, then swear swift and brutal revenge upon her return.
We enter the business end of our party in yonder choir room, where it seems ND has a surprise for Will, namely a 1st Place trophy. And we will tell you now, without getting too specific, that future events will reveal Murphy's tendency to... subvert expectations. So we enjoy the victories while we can. Will mentions Vocal Adrenaline as their primary competition for Regionals, so ND has to be twice as good. Rachel then announces a gift for Will, namely, a serenade. Thusly, we get the Clarkson set to a mashup of the best performances thus far.
However, we cut to one last piece of business. In the midst of the performance, we get shots of Emma packing up, Will finding the empty office, then her, and The Big Damn Kiss ensues to wrap things up.
Fortunately, Glee itself didn't wrap up here. See, all these loose ends were tied up because on the chance FOX axed the show after the initial order, Murphy wanted an end to the story. As these recaps are being done years after the fact, you can figure out the outcome. In fact, not only did the show get a full 22-episode season, but it got a second and third based on this initial 13. Therefore, gleeks, the Journey continues...
Next Time: We say hello to one of Lea Michele's former Spring Awakening co-stars.
Proper business begins with the opening bars of "Don't Rain on My Parade," a beaming Rachel walking inside McKinley and telling Mercedes and Kurt that since they won Sectionals, it's a new page in the book for them - the whole school looks at them differently, and they aren't "losers" anymore...
...oh Rachel. Do you not understand the concept of Tempting Fate? Apparently not. Cue the Jerk Jocks and the triple slushie. "Welcome to loser town, population you," calls a grinning Azimio.
Oh, well. Cut to Principal Figgins' office, in which Will is shocked that Figgins will still cut the club if they don't place at Regionals; considering he was the one who made the deal in the first place, wonder why he's so shocked, because the glee club is slowly eating up the budget, and considering winter's fast approaching, the Cheerios could use the auditorium for practice. Will's confused - the Cheerios don't even have a coach anymore, do they? Whoops, turns out they still do - as explained later, the Tracksuit Despot, having time to prepare her revenge, slipped Figgins a date rape drug and took blackmail photos of him and her together - if she isn't reinstated as the Cheerios' coach, those pictures are going straight to his wife. You have to feel sorry for the poor guy sometimes. Although, considering how many times his head's been in the sand over EVERYTHING, you really don't.
Cue a basketball game - McKinley against some unimportant no-name school - and it's Finn in possession of the ball. His inner monologue tells us that, in a way, he's glad football season's over, considering that their school isn't doing so hot, and he's hoping basketball can be a fresh start. Pan to Rachel, cheering in the bleachers with a "Team Finn" shirt on. And then an opposing player steals the ball from him. Finn's VO tells us that he's actually sort of depressed as we hit the Title Card.
Scene change to hallway. Rachel accosts Finn with calendars with kittens on them (whose faces have been edited to show her and Finn's). She tells him that the calendars are so that he won't forget their dates anymore, considering he's been standing her up lately. Rachel keeps talking, and Finn's voiceover tells us that while he's flattered and everything, he's not really over Quinn yet (camera pans to show her leaning against a wall, staring sadly at them and having an angry conversation with Puck).
Back to the basketball game, Finn wonders why he can't be like Coach Tanaka, who, it seems, has fallen into quite a bit of a funk since the previous episode (lost his fiancee, gained forty pounds, and everybody acts like it's normal). He tries to shoot the ball but is foiled by an opposing player note . Pan again to Rachel, who's telling some poor unfortunate person that Finn's her boyfriend.
In Glee York City, Will, obviously expecting "Hello," as an answer, asks the kids what they say when they answer the phone note . Will says that Graham-Bell wanted "Ahoy Ahoy" when he invented the telephone, and it was Edison who suggested "hello." They need to up their game for Regionals, and to do that they need to reintroduce themselves to the world. Hence this week's assignment (and title) : Sing a song with the word "Hello" in the title.
Will intercepts Emma on her way out the office and says that he totally doesn't care if it's been twenty minutes since she's last practiced dental hygiene, because they've kissed before, anyway. She thinks her germophobia is unattractive. He finds it cute. Huh. Anyway, Will, following this episode's theme, says that they have to clean things up emotionally and get to know each other better - he suggests a date at his place later in the evening where he can reintroduce himself to her.
Sue tells Brittany and Santana that she's severely disappointed in both of them - she told them to destroy the club but instead they won Sectionals. She decides that the best way to ruin glee club is to destroy the heart of the team - that is, Rachel - and since everyone can see that Rachel's hung up on Finn, she instructs Brit and San to go after him.
Will and Finn walk into the auditorium and the former tells Finn that he should find his inner rockstar. And Finn kinda does, with his pretty awesome rendition of The Doors' "Hello" - sings it at Quinn's back, then at the basketball game where he shoots a basket, then back to the hallway with the cheerleaders, then to the music room, where the girls think it's hot and poor Kurt looks like he needs a doctor. Or something. Yeah.
When the song finishes Brittany and Santana link pinkies, walk over to Finn, telling him that he was a good dancer even if his feet weren't even moving (Brit: "That was the best part"). They invite him on a threesome date, which he eagerly accepts. This, however, does not go unnoticed by Quinn - or Rachel. The latter confronts him in the hallway, asking him what that was all about. He tells her some lame excuse (which she obviously does not buy) and she tells him that she knows her craziness and desire to be popular make it hard to be her boyfriend, but she honest with. He the tells her he's not sure he wants to be her boyfriend at all. Rachel does not take this well, and tells him that it's only because he cares more about his reputation than her, and says she's the only person who can truly understand him.
And apparently it's now time for glee club rehearsal, where San, Brit, and Finn are discussing pizza flavors. Rachel tells Will that she has the perfect song for this week's assignment, and launches into AAR's "Gives You Hell," directed right at Finn, Rachel's way of taking him to the woodshed. Sooner or later, the whole club (with Santana and Brittany, and without Finn) join her. Will is not amused, because "hell" is obviously not "hello." Rachel tells him she was only focusing on the first syllable. Quite frankly, the look on dear Finnegan's face is priceless. Will says they really have to up their game. Like, seriously.
Cut to some library-music-store place where Rachel is searching songbooks. She opens a Lionel Richie one right to "Hello," when some guy with great hair interrupts her and says that Lionel Richie's one of his favorites. And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have an old friend of Lea Michele coming on board, namely, one Jonathan Groff, late of SpringAwakening, AKA the one where Lea stripped down every night. Rachel recognizes him as Jesse St. James, star of Vocal Adrenaline,and in about 11 years time, star of her heart. He recognizes her too, saying he saw her perform at Sectionals and while her rendition of "Don't Rain on my Parade" was okay, she clearly lacked Barbra's emotional depth - but she's talented. He tells her that he comes to this place a lot, he's a senior, and he's got a full ride to the University of California Los Angeles note Rachel's clearly smitten, and Jesse invites her to perform "Hello" with him right there. After some convincing (and the fact that this Jesse guy gives impromptu concerts for the homeless) she does, and they perform pretty good. Let's keep this guy around. Afterwards, he's all, "We should do this more often. How's Friday night?"
At Breadsticks, we finally see the infamous threesome date - which, to no one's surprise , isn't doing so hot. After snarking the waitress into getting them more food for free, San and Brit start talking about the hottest guys in school. Brit volunteers Puck, and says that Finn is cute, but he's definitely not hot. Santana agrees with her and says that and Rachel's just dragging his rep through the dust. Pan to Finn, who reminds them that he's right in front of them, and could they please include him in the conversation or something? San says that they're following the procedure: he buys them dinner, they make out in front of him. Sweet. Finn seems to agree. Santana criticizes Rachel's fashion sense, and Finn rebuts her by saying Rachel's kinda cool. Brittany says that's mean. In any case, Santana seems to grow tired of this conversation and tells Finn to wait in the car (but leave his credit card, of course).
Brit: "Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?" Moe wit and wisdom from Brittany Susan Pierce-Lopez.
Will's house, and he's dancing (and later, singing) with Emma to Neil Diamond's "Hello Again." Will says the song's perfect for the two of them, since it's about a guy who decided to get romantic with a friend. Then Emma kisses him. They start making out, but Emma freaks out, saying it's happening too fast, and confesses to Will that she's a virgin. She's embarrassed about it, but Will says it's fine, and suggests they just watch a movie.
It turns out Rachel's already constructed a shrine to Jesse in her locker, and she's staring at it when Finn walks up to her. He says he wants to be her boyfriend again after his threeway date with Brit and San didn't go so well. Huh. Unfortunately, it seems he's a tad too late, as Rachel tells him she's already moved on to Jesse St. James, and while she's aware that their starcrossed lovers thing schtick puts pressure on their relationship, their respect for each other's talent will make up for it. Finn's suspicions are justified, but Rachel won't have it.
Cue the Gilligan Cut to Finn stalking to the music room. Darn!
Sue makes Brittany and Santana do punishment crunches, as their date with Finn went horribly. They say he didn't fall for any of their tricks (which include, apparently, not wearing a bra and turning up the AC). She is very disappointed and calls them the stupidest teens she's ever taught, which is saying something, because she apparently once taught a young Sarah Palin cheerleading. Burn. However, Brit does tell her that they've learned that Rachel's fallen hard for Jesse, which makes Sue happy, at least. You can practically see the gears turning in her scheming blonde head.
Vocal Adrenaline's auditorium, where they perform "Highway to Hell" with Jesse on lead. Just as all the pyrotechnics go off, Will walks in and sees their coach Shelby Corcoran tell VA that that was just horrible. Shelby is played by the Wicked one herself, Idina Menzel, and yes, the casting is deliberate, and we'll leave it at that for now. She makes Jesse show them a "showface" - which is essentially this nausea-causing big grin. Shelby says it has to be so optimistic it can cure cancer. Hoo boy. She tells them to take five, and Will introduces himself. He says that he's worried that Jesse is dating Rachel. Shelby asks if Will thinks they're spying on them, which is apparently not the case. Darn. But anyway she tells him Jesse's a good kid, and that she doesn't tolerate funny business. "Sometimes there's just that little spark", she says of her future son-in-law.
And then we cut to them making out on his sofa. Well, "that little spark" indeed. In any case Will soon comes to his senses and tells her to stop. Shelby apologizes for being "all business" and asks him if he's gay, because she's made out with lots of gay show choir directors. Shelby says she's been so focused on Vocal Adrenaline she hasn't had a date in three years. Will sympathizes with the whole workaholic schtick, because it played a huge part in ending his marriage. Well, that and the whole fake baby drama thing. But anyway, Shelby gets it out of him that he's dating someone, and she's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're dating someone and yet you're making out with me?" Atta girl. She says he needs time to reintroduce himself to himself. Shelby picks up her purse, tells Will that he's the cutest thing she's ever seen, and gives him her number in case he ever fixes himself up.
Rachel walks into the music room to find Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, and Artie waiting for her. They say they've heard of her new man and that they're suspicious that he's just there to spy on them. Kurt says that "murder or be murdered" is essentially VA's motto. Mercedes: "We're not saying he's playing you - " Kurt: "He's playing you." Bam. Anyway, they just want her to stay away from him until Regionals - you know, just in case - because if she doesn't, they'll all quit, meaning they can't compete at Regionals.
Having been summoned to Sue's office, Rachel sees a circle of Hollywood Homely young women, which is apparently Sue's "Old Maids Club" - as she's heard that Rach and Finn's relationship isn't doing so hot either and she's heard that Rachel has a serious suitor in the form of JstJ. However, her fellow gleeclubbers feel very betrayed. Rachel wisely asks how Sue knows that. Flashback to Santana and Brittany, having told everyone in Glee about Jesse, trailing behind Sue. Sue says they'll now move on to Step 2 of her evil plan, which includes rounding up a bunch of TV-unattractive girls.
Anyway, the Old Maids Club is doing a great job of freaking Rachel out. Sue says that she would encourage Rachel to go for it with Jesse, but seeing what happened to these girls, oh dear. She invites Rachel to join the club.
Cut to Emma, who's meticulously setting a table for dinner with Will. Terri comes in and they bicker a bit before Terri tells her, more or less, that she's never going to have a chance with Will. Emma wisely inquires what Terri is doing here, and it turns out that she's just there to pick up some stuff. Terri picks up a copy of The Jazz Singer and learns that Will called "Hello Again" his and Emma's song. Oops, turns out that was Will and Terri's prom song. She leaves, but screws up Emma's perfectly aligned teaspoon first.
Rachel walks onto Vocal Adrenaline's stage and calls for Jesse. The spotlight above her turns on, and she says she has a rape whistle. Relax, kid, it's just him. Coming out of the shadows, Jesse tells her that they have to wear sunscreen for that spotlight. Rachel ignores this and asks him to tell her the truth. Because apparently she'll die - not literally, but emotionally - if he doesn't, and will carry that pain for the rest of her life. Like Barbra in The Way We Were. Jesse laughs and brings her closer to him, saying that she's even more of a drama queen than he is. Jesse stands back and holds out his hand, saying that she's met Jesse St. James, star of VA and all that, but he wants her to meet just Jesse, "the guy who's nuts about her and would never hurt her." They kiss, and in the back Jesse shares a Mysterious Look Fraught With Meaning with Shelby.
Back in Emma's office, Will wonders why there was that nicely set dinner but no Emma when he got home. Emma explains, and he apologizes and said he didn't even remember that "Hello Again" was the prom song. Emma says that may be true, but his unconscious was still holding on to things. She says they were naive, and that they should spend some time apart first. And then she kicks him out.
At Finn's locker, Rachel tells him she broke up with Jesse and that she's trusting him to spread the happy news to the rest of New Directions. Finn's happy and everything, and tells her that he's circled dates on her date calendar already, but she turns him down for the team. At rehearsal, the squad does "Hello Goodbye" by the Beatles, and Finn keeps sending Rachel Looks, which make her more and more uncomfortable and upset. And who can blame her? At the end of the number she runs off the stage.
Next Time: Glee's first tribute episode, reveling in the power of her Madge-isity.
We start with unexpected fangirl Sue V/Oing about how just saying the name makes her feel powerful. Since she has the power due to the latest blackmail over Figgins, Sue decrees Madonna's catalog be played at all hours of the school day. We then cut to her and her legion; Santana even sporting a "W.W.M.D" bracelet. The answer, by the way, is date a younger man, so Sue wants arm candy on all the Cheerios!, saying they need to think and act like Madonna. Don't worry folks, the Cheerios! (two in particular) do make better choices as it pertains to movie roles. Sue, being Sue, then decides her minions no longer have names. Ah, Sue, normally we give your dubiousness the sideeye, but in this context, we'll let it slide. Just before we hit the Title Card, we then get a Madge quote that also defines Sue to a T, naturally she then says Madge stole it from her: I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
Glee Factory. We see the penmanship of one Quinn Fabray, drawing a dubious abstract of one Rachel Berry, surrounded by hearts... huh. Hearts. Might wanna look into that down the road. Rachel, naturally, does not appreciate the artistry as she sets herself up by wanting to ask something private. Of course we get the expected insult from Santana as Rachel asks about dating, this despite being "single" for the moment; we know she's still dating Jesse on the sly. Hypotheticals come into play, leading up to Rachel asking when is the right time to get the V-Card punched. Turns out, in the middle of a intense makeout session, Jesse stated he wanted to "do it". Romantic, isn't he? Anyway, Rachel asks how does she stop a guy from getting mad if she says no? Santana offers profound wisdom, never say no. You'd expect nothing less from someone who never met a cock she didn't cultivate; clearly, she increased the overcompensation on certain denials. We'll get a clearer example of that later in the episode. Brittany, "innocent" that she is, dares to asks what's the worst that can happen and of course, Quinn is there to serve as a reminder. Mercedes is out due to the last guy she liked being Kurt, while Tina, clearly seeing the divide between her and Artie growing, grouses about how Artie, magnanimously "forgiving" her for lying about the stutter, decides if she wants him in certain fashions, to lose the fashions she has now. Cohen-Chang is unamused.
In the midst of this, Will, who was there the whole time, poor bastard, asks what's up, suggesting a trip to Ms. Pilsbury. Will, heart's in the right place, but considering who we're talking to, no. Just no. Emma is suitably flustered as we cut back to Quinn randomly stating that women still earn 70¢ for every dollar a man makes doing the same job... okay? Back to Emma, who says she can't do her job if she doesn't have the kids' confidence. Will says he wants to help so that she's more prepared and Emma's brain goes to where you'd think it would. Will tries to clarify, saying the role models out there are dubious and they need stronger ones.
Cut to him in a hallway as he hears "Ray of Light" coming from the gym. Seems Madge makes for good cheerleading music as we see the Red and White in action, complete with men on stilts. As per custom, any routine normally considered amazing is mediocre at best in Sue's eyes as she declares them "Sloppy Freak Show Babies". Will commends the performance, the electrons within the pompadour firing up, but not before...
You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak!
Back to the Glee Lab, Will put the name of our subject on the board, asking for meanings. We get the expected ones (Genius, Icon, Hall of Fame MILF...) Quinn, your Death Glare is on point. Will calls for the obvious assignment: Madonna numbers for all. Noah and Finnegan, of course, are the only dissenters, leading to Will calling out the men for not treating the women properly, calling them bullying, sexist, and misogynistic. Finn, of course has no idea what that means. Of course, this then leads to another Brittany non-sequitur (When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.) as Will challenges the men to put themselves in the women's shoes, stating that culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends the music, ultimately conveying a sense of equality.
Kurt adds that the look of Madonna is just as important as the songs, asking if he and Mercedes could do a project tying into the lesson plan. Puck, clearly deciding to forgo brains today, says he's still not down, and that no chick intimidates him. Noah, there are at least three women who intimidate you: Your mother, the woman you have feelings for (and who BTW is carrying your child), and the person who you used to throw slushies at. Simmer down. He then makes the mistake of saying her music doesn't translate to show choir and that of course throws down the gauntlet for Rachel to pick up, her and the other ND women deciding to Express Themselves thusly.
Afterwards, with Madge "Burning Up" in the background, we cut to Santana's locker as a wig-clad Brittany states she's dating a seven-year old... yep, sounds about right. Santana realizes she needs younger arm candy herself, Brittany suggesting Finn; when Santana reminds her about last episode, Brittany says the way to get a man to follow you forever is pop his cherry. We then see the boy in question, Santana sauntering up to him and offering herself, saying he needs to feel the pleasures of fornication under carnal knowledge. When Finn mentions Rachel, Santana correctly says she's with Jesse, then talks about the advantages for her, and only her. And while normally we'd say that any possible interaction with Santana and males become Hilarious in Hindsight, there's more to this than just that, and we'll elaborate in due course.
Back to Emma's office and apparently she has decided to forgo any more time on this earth as she dares to summon the Tracksuit Terror. Turns out, Emma's office is spared the non-stop Madonna as Sue decides she doesn't deserve it, saying her sensuality is less than zero and naturally, Emma's cogs start turning. Back to Los Angelglees, where Rachel wants Finn to duet with her on a Madge mashup as a way to convince the ND men about the assignment. Finn, never one for tact, goes right for asking if Rachel's still dating Jesse, Rachel of course tries to invoke the Blatant Lies but Finn sees right through them, clearly still pissed off that Rachel dumped him only to go to Jesse. Finn warning her that if Jesse screws up ND, they're done as friends. Rachel agrees as Brad cues up the music and in a nice visual touch, when they cut to the hallway, it's full of Madonna cos-players from all her eras.
In said hallway, and with "Frozen" as surprisingly dramatic background music, Kurt is discussing Kabbalah with Mercedes when Will asks them about the assignment, Mercedes saying the A/V Club's helping them out with a video as Sue crashes, not pleased that ND's doing Madonna before she can have her own tribute. However, apparently Madge has given Will the courage to be aggressive; when Sue goes for the hair joke, Will actually responds in kind asking how the Florence Henderson look is going, suggesting a new setting on her Flo Bee. And for the first time in the series, Sue is straight up flummoxed, quickly taking it out on unsuspecting extras.
As the music continues, we cut to Finn at his locker staring at Santana at hers. Seems that the primal need to mate overrides everything else, as Finn agrees to coupling but clearly not all there about it. Cut to the Polyester Prison, where its warden contemplates as Kurt and Mercedes enter the lions den. Sue then monologues about raising Jean while her parents, famous Nazi hunters weren't around, lamenting about not keeping up with current looks. But then she heard True Blue and that gave them cause to bleach hair, the damage from it causing Sue to keep it short ever since. Sue claims she picks on Will because he has superior hair. In any case, Kurtcedes need the Cheerios! for their project and are willing to strike a deal with the devil.
Library. Rachel cautiously enters, seeing a book drop on its own. We soon see that the book is Sondheim on Music, tipping her off that it is in fact one Jesse St. James, on enemy turf for clandestine romance. Jesse apologizes, saying Rachel deserves grand gestures and he is willing to wait. Rachel, of course, says she's ready, and they embrace, Rachel immediately regretting her words. Cut back to Will outside as Emma approaches, saying that Sue's claim of her lack of sex appeal lit a fire and she wants copulations.
Cut to Artie preparing his directorial debut, a take on "Vogue". And here we have another first. Whereas up to this point, Sue Sylvester has been strictly an antagonist, never getting involved in the numbers, this marks the first time Jane Lynch actually participates in a Glee number. It's also the first time Glee goes shot for shot with the original video, a practice they would invoke several more times during the course of the series.
Now. We have three pairings. At least one person in each is a virgin. This is a Madonna tribute episode. Can you guess what song will be played over a montage of attempted couplings? Why yes, of course, it's "Crazy for You". After the montage, we see that of the three pairings, only one was successful; naturally, since it doesn't actually hold any significance to storylines thus far, it is in fact Finn and Santana. Now, while this marks the epitome of Hilarious in Hindsight, this will also prove to be significant next season, and all the way into the early part of Season 3, where it will abstractly serve as partial motivation for one of the most emotionally revolting events in Glee history. Yes, that one.
Back to Kurtcedes celebrating their video. Unfortunately, they see Sue in her standard form; seems she'd rather leave reinvention to Madonna herself. We then get a visual gag, her in Figgins' office in a trademark cone bra. And then, since Kurtcedes made a deal with the devil, the devil's come to collect. We'll follow up later as we go to Gleeicon Valley, where Finn and Rachel stand awkwardly, asking about dates and what not. Rachel implies a punched V-Card, we cut to Jesse knocking on her door to confirm the contrary. Finn states the contrary, whereas we know otherwise. We then cut to Finntana in their "afterglow", Finn saying he's didn't feel anything... nope, not worth it. Forlorn looks abound as we cut to Will's office as Emma arrives to apologize; seems she was on radio silence for the weekend. Will says he's been trying to teach a lesson but hasn't learned it himself. He does however say he filed divorce papers, so that's a start; he then says he wants Emma to control her OCD, recommending counselors. Unfortunately, that's something she'll still have problems with for a while.
And then, a wild Jesse St. James appears. Cut to a put out Finn as it seems Jesse's switched sides and is now with New Directions. Everyone is displeased, save the obvious one. Will gets slightly forceful, saying everyone who's auditioned got in, SOP for ND. After Brittany notices a resemblance between Jesse & Will, Jesse makes it clear that as long as he was still with Vocal Adrenaline, Rachel would never completely be with him, saying he cares more about her than winning. Rachel is stunned and touched. Strangely, for some reason Quinn, who is sitting next to her, seems more concerned about Rachel being possibly suckered in by Jesse. Almost as if she cared or something... huh. Anyway, we cut to Sue on the bullhorn and we see the end result of Kurtcedes' deal with her; namely, the both of them in the Red and White, getting all of "4 Minutes" to entertain, and boy do they. Colfer and Riley nail it, simply nail it. Will and Emma are stunned to see two ND members in enemy colors, the rest of ND are stunned period. When Will confronts, once again, he gets the blowback, namely Kurtcedes not being pleased about being passed up for solos. They kinda have a point there. Kurt points out that being on Sue's squad would give them more chances to shine.
And from there, we get a number that shows that sometimes, simplicity can be effective. It's Will and the ND men, at the piano, doing "What It Feels Like for A Girl", which is the ND men's way of owning up to their faults. Puck naturally objects to it all, Artie lamenting about his treating Tina like crap as we cut to her blowing up at him. Finn calls out the behavior. Kurt makes a point, the pure talent compensates for the clashing personalities; if ND wants to kick it up, they have to see their fellow members as people, not just teammates. Finn says they need to make it right with the ND women; we cut to Artie apologizing to Tina, Finn apologizing to Rachel, then to Jesse, saying he'll put his own feelings aside for the sake of the team. And thus, we bring this tribute to a close with the cry to "let the choir sing", a little "Like a Prayer" to take us out for the week.
Next Time: Another trip down the back Rhodes.
Lounge. Will storms in all piss and hairgel; seems the auditorium is locked. Sue has reserved it for the week, Ohio weather and all, so New Directions has to find another rehearsal space. Will threatens to go to Figgins only for Sue to reveal that he's back in Sue's pocket.
Gleeboratory. Will drops the bad news, Rachel immediately goes for the sit-in, while Puck goes for the arson. Will responds with the standard pep talk about adversity, then promises to find them a new Title Drop. As ND disperses, Kurt, who we'll remind you has moon eyes for Finn, asks for opinions on fabrics to redecorate his room. Finn lives in a closet, and the jokes aren't even spoken at all. Cut to the dubious cafeteria, where Mercedes opts for chicken with a salad. Kurt disapproves, pointing out the peeled celery and Splenda he's had. He then points out the position of social strength the Red and White brings, then warns her not to screw it up. Speaking of screwing, we cut to Brittany saying she's pretty sure her cat's read her diary. This is the first mention of the revered and respected Lord Tubbington, who we'll meet next season. Mercedes dares to ask her and Santana how they stay skinny; Santana reveals the "Sue Sylvester Magic Cleanse", a vile concoction of water, maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper, and ipecac. She then drops some illogic right out of Sue's mouth: Feel terrible and look great or turn in the uniform. Seems Mercedes was seduced by the Reverse Sue-Cology as she leaves the food behind. As Brittana leaves, we then pan over to see the one other person all too familiar with Sue's madness.
Hudson house. Seems Carole has decided to rid herself of excess furniture, starting with the bed she and her late husband shared. Finn claims that's where he was conceived, only for Carole to reveal it was a pinball machine. Explains the occasions where his brain will go full tilt. When she tries to get rid of an old recliner the hubby enjoyed, Finn puts a shoe down. Seems Carole's found someone new; naturally, Finn is displeased, especially when it's revealed to be Burt Hummel. Cut to a roller rink where Will wants to find someone to talk to about renting the space. And ladies and gentleman, if her appearance in the opening rundown didn't tip you off, once again, it's time to take a trip down the Rhodes less traveled. Cut to the couples skating and sure enough, here be April, claiming to have a sex dream about Will. April smells a duet, and the resident house band smells the Springsteen, complete with the two of them on the wheels. Afterwards, we find out that April, after an attempt at sobriety, reverted to type. One day, an elderly man bought her a drink; turns out the man was loaded and April is now his mistress. April seemingly gave up on her dreams. When Will then reveals his divorce, April pounces. Turns out Will's subletting, and April offers to stay.
Cheerios! weigh-in. Becky's lost two pounds, while Mercedes, again, shocking no one with this kind of plot, gains two pounds. Sue mentions the win at all costs attitude that defines her, we spot the inevitable as we cut to Finn confronting Kurt about their parents; seems Kurt introduced them to each other at a parent-teacher conference a month prior. This, if it wasn't made clear, is all part of Kurt's plan to have Finn; get the parents together, have them move in together, Finn and Kurt share a room, et al. Kurt then gets a little too smug, saying he wants them to redecorate together. Finn, naturally not too happy at these affairs, storms off as we cut to the Lillian Adler Memorial Choir Room of Gleeful Joy. ND are displeased at the choice of rehearsal space. Kurt then decides to vent, dismissing St. Berry's relationship while accusing Finn of being a stick in the mud. Of course, this being Glee, we never settle with vocal lamenting; duets are more effective, specifically when Finn is singing to his Dad's chair.
Now, while all this was going on, Will looked to be having second thoughts about letting April sublet; when she arrives, he expresses his discomfort. April senses it, saying she's lonely. Will let's her stay the night; again, emotional moments in this show are best backed by a track; in this case, mashing up theWarwick already played with some Streisand, April eventually winding up in Will's bed. Afterwards, we cut to Breadstix, where Kurt is proposing a toast to his newly extended family; Finn looking for all the world like the angrily saddest man in Lima. We then hear his displeasure, mumbling that they're not a family. Burt agrees, saying he and Carole are just dating. We then see one variable Kurt didn't factor in; namely, that when you have two sports-minded people in Finn and Burt, you know they'll gravitate towards each other. Kurt sits dilapidated. Back at the Hummel house, Kurt stews as he removes swatches from his wall. Burt called it, knowing that if he and Finn started the sports talk, he'd piss Kurt off. When Burt reminds Kurt about sitting through Riverdance three years in a row, Kurt simply says maybe it was too soon for Burt and Carole to date. Burt stands offended.
Back to the "weighty" plot; we see Mercedes with one leaf of lettuce, one dollop of cottage cheese and one sliced tomato on her plate as Tina offers her a peppermint patty. Artie and Tina both try to get Mercedes to start eating, correctly saying that shake diets don't work. And neither does extreme dieting; we see Mercedes hallucinate Tina as ice cream and Artie as cake. She storms off, only to seen Rachel as a cupcake and Jesse as a burger. Now, with these plots, hallucinations usually lead to fainting and sure enough, Mercedes fades to black as we fade to black. We return to see Mercedes get checked out; we then see she has a audience, as Quinn approaches. Turns out, not surprisingly, she went through the same thing. Being pregnant changed her perception on food; if she's eating healthy for her kid, why not herself? Quinn then gives the peptalk, saying Mercedes was already beautiful.
Cut to the roller rink as ND roll out. Will gets second thoughts about using it to rehearse; when April offers pizza and snuggling, Will instead offers another peptalk, asking April if being a mistress is where she wants to be? This seems to strike a chord as we cut to Kurt telling Finn he screwed up. Kurt doesn't wanna be left out, Finn doesn't want Carole to forget his dad, so she and Burt need to split. Cut to Carole getting ready for a date with Burt, as Finn, one to go for extreme measures, takes his father's urn to the toilet; naturally, Carole freaks. Finn, tapping into his dormant emotional savvy, then hits Carole where she lives by asking what's the point of keeping them if she'll inevitably dumps them out. Carole throws it back, placing the urn on the recliner and offering to "watch TV". Seems for 15 years, Carole's been repressing; pretending everything's okay. Carole accurately calls Finn selfish, saying she hasn't felt like this since his dad died. Finn doesn't notice that all they do is exist. Carole talks to the urn every night, she's been keeping her emotions in check around Finn, but she feels the loss every day. Seems the emotional disconnect Finn feels prevents him from understand Carole's emotions, him saying he's not ready for change. Carole's tired of the ghosts, saying they need a family.
As Finn processes, we cut to the McKinley gym. Sue sits with the reporter from the cheerleading magazine; naturally, Sue lays insults within five seconds. We then get a slightly hoisted petard; seems Sue was expecting a fluff piece, what she's getting is a hard-hitting investigation and the Oh, Crap! face that goes with it. We see the Red and White assemble, Sue expecting the usual amazing but mediocre by her standards performance. What she (and we) get instead is Mercedes taking the mic, saying that Cheerios! is about being popular, but it should be more. She asks how many of the students feel fat; we cut to Quinn raising her hand. She asks how many feel worthless; more hands are raised. Eventually, the bulk of the students raise hands. Eventually, this leads to some obvious Christina, accompanied by the rest of the Cheerios! and the rest of the school. Shocking no one, the only one not amused is Sue; however, fate gives her a reprieve. Turns out, the reporter thought Sue was behind the performance and is gonna give her a glowing piece. You can clearly see Sue's surprise at this, her stammering for words which is (and will be) a rarity for her.
We begin the wrapup with Burt in Carole's kitchen, running into Finn, who is promptly reassured that Burt's not trying to take his dad's place. But he does love Carole, saying after years of being alone, that she was who he needed. This evidently was all Finn needed to hear, offering to watch a game with Burt, even offering him his dad's chair. We then cut to Kurt brokenly observing from outside.
In the Room where there is never a Choir per say, Will stands flummoxed. Seems April took his advice, breaking up with the sugar daddy only for him to stroke out and the wife gave her $2mil to go away. This apparently gave her the motivation to sober up and head for Broadway, saying she's gonna head the first Caucasian version of The Wiz. Huh. The rest of ND arrive as April springs another surprise; she bought the auditorium thus preventing Sue from commandeering it. This actually is a long lasting plot point: This will explain all the costumes and performance New Directions will use until their temporary demise in Season 5. And thus, with Cheno looking particularly glamorous, we bring it home for the week with accordingly, a touch of Wiz.
Next Time: I don't give a damn about my...
We commence with New Directions gathered around a laptop observing a seemingly random sight: the video for Olivia Newton-John's 1981 classic, "Physical". However, we get a rather humorous subversion in that it is none other than the Tracksuit Tyrant getting physical and yes, there is a payoff for this later on. Kurt says he didn't steal it from a locked cabinet while getting her hormone replacement, while Finn wants to put it on YouTube. Jesse agrees, saying ND needs to stop being lame and get dirty. Speaking of the Adidas demon, we see her walking amongst the sheep before Karofsky utters the magic words "let's get physical". Sue, clearly unaware of her digital violation, merely dismisses him as not her type (she ain't kidding), however when Azimio quotes a lyric, this tips Sue off to something fishy, and for once, it's not the dubious cafeteria food.
Cut to Figgins' office and naturally Sue's on the warpath, correctly calling this an invasion of privacy. She even printed out the comments from the 170,000 views the video got; none flattering. When Will denies it was ND's doing, Sue produces a "Glist", a ranking of the sexual promiscuity of the various New Directions members; the smoking gun was a computer with the password "gleeclub". Figgins even quotes precedent; a year prior there was a list of ten ugly gingers made by Sue, natch.
We then see the "Glist" rankings, minus Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, and Artie:
- 1. Quinn: +45
- 2. Santana: +43
- 3. Puck: +38
- 4. Brittany: +35
- 5. Jesse: +29
- 6. Finn: +19
- 7. Mike: +11
- 8. Matt: +5
- 9. Rachel: -5
Puck is third, I am shocked. Rachel is last, she is appalled. Back to Sue, who says normally she'd be pissed someone in glee did something embarrassing before she could, but now she dubiously sympathizes. Figgins tells Will to find the culprit or all of ND gets it while we hit the Title Card.
Buckinglee Palace. Will wants a culprit, naturally all of ND clam up. Santana points at Puck, who denies. Will ties in their "bad reputation" to a lesson, namely taking good songs tainted by whatever reasons and improving their reps. And of course, we get an example with some Vanilla Ice. Hey, any chance for Matt Morrison to show off the moves, huh? Afterwards, we cut to to the lounge as Sue enters to see pretty much the entire faculty staff awash in guffaws. The near fish-eyed camera angles don't help matters. Sue uses a V/O to psych herself up and ignore the laughter, only for it to hit her all at once. Therefore, we need a cameo; fortunately we have Molly Shannon to oblige us, as a transfer with drug problems who stands to laugh at Sue's misfortune.
Speaking of misfortune, when Rachel Berry's ego is crushed, all are not safe. In this case, she asks Artie for some A/V help; seems she's got a bug up the skirt and wants to get down and dirty. We shall warn you now, this, more than usual, will not end well. We return to Kurt and a ND meeting; seems he and those not on the Glist wish to find a way to build up their own reps. However, it seems even those ON the Glist need help too, as we reveal Brittany in the background. Or, more accurately, she took too many meds and forgot basic motor skills. She's also upset at being 4th, evidently she's kissed everyone in the school, students and employees. Not to mention her skills in the carnal arts that are only on par with one Ms. Lopez. Young Hummel wishes to cause a disturbance in the library, raise many eyebrows.
Cut to Sue lamenting to sister Jean, apologizing for not protecting her more. Jean reminds her of how they went to an animal shelter to help, Sue saying there are those worse than them. Such as those with OCD, as we cut to Sue telling Emma she's her new "therapist". Oh dear. Turns out the regular psychologist offed themselves, so Sue stepped in. Thing is, even when "giving back", Sue never stops to make Will Schuester miserable, in this case telling Emma about his dalliances with Shelby Corcoran and April Rhodes. Reverse Sue-Cology is then applied, insults to Emma's face in order to build up her confidence and give her motivation to unleash.
Rachel's Room. Rachel has Puck over, invoking their Portmanteau Couple Name as we see Noah in his finest ThePhantomOfTheOpera mask. She asks for his help, saying his rep improved when they dated and that this is possibly his last chance to keep a rep and stay in ND. For the song, Rachel has chosen David Geddes' 1975 #4 "hit", "Run Joey Run". Puck then laments about how he tries to play nice, but his natural impulses always win out. Rachel sympathizes; she sees dubious performing and she tries to keep the comments down. Puck, again, natural impulses, tries to go for the lips, but Rachel stops him cold.
Break. We return to Sue leading Emma into the lounge as the aforementioned transfer with drug issues pours on more venom. Emma is led in, and sees her target. Emma gathers courage and lays in, calling Will a "slut" and declaring herself done with him. Good girl. Cut to the library, and if the Hammer pants hadn't tipped you off, y'all can't touch them. Of course, it is never that easy; afterwards, we see the librarian announce she's calling her church and having them perform there. Back to the "Glist" subplot, Will interrogates Finn, Mercedes, Artie, Tina, Puck again, Brittany ("I don't know how to turn on a computer."), Quinn, Kurt, of course this being a wasteful exercise. Speaking of Hummel, he's perturbed their dubious reps remain intact. Artie lays down the only option; throw themselves on the grenade and tell Sue. Suspension will be counterbalanced with improved reps. Cut to said Bullhorn Bully putting in her journal her concern that this is Karma finally come to collect. We of course know otherwise, and there's a phone call to confirm it, none other than Olivia Newton-John herself, though we will tell you it's a Flanderization for comedic purposes. Sue's not buying it and hangs up, only to get a call back and the confirmation it's the real ONJ. She's asking why Sue made the video and Sue says it was her going through her favorite Jazzercise routines. ONJ says she actually botched the original video, but upon seeing Sue's, wanted the both of them to remake it. Sue is perplexed.
Cut to Will getting the business Sue got at the top of the episode, the drug addicted transfer even throwing herself at him. Will rebuffs, only to get a face full of Ken, yes he's still here, dragging him some more. After the break, we see Kurt all wild eyed and prepared to take the bullet for the video. Sue is coming down the hallway and Kurt owns up to it. Timing is everything though, and Sue thanks him for uploading. Hummel is perplexed. And we soon see why Sue's so forgiving, as said above, her and ONJ did indeed remake the video. Afterwards, we cut to Cape Cangleevil, where Will's setting up for Rachel's video. After Rachel gives a typically self-serving speech, we roll the video and... and... you know what, very rarely will we do this, but let's just have you watch it yourself
.
...yeah. Afterwards, the featured men are not pleased Rachel played all three of them, Finn even tapping into his emotional savvy and saying she only did it to stop being an outcast and start being some "hot, slutty girl singer". Finn piles it on and TBH, Rachel did bring it on herself. One thing to get a better rep, whole other thing to drag people down along the way. Break. Return to Sue thanking Jean for the motivation to tell her belittlers to shove it. Also, since ONJ stiffed her on the check for the vid, Sue's taking her cut and giving it to Jean's nursing home. As Sue reads Jean a story, we begin the home stretch with Will offering a bouquet to Emma as an apology. Emma, still possessing some backbone, appreciates the sentiment but makes it clear nothing is forgiven. As Will leaves, he spots Quinn and then gets the neurons to fire up; seems everyone was accusing everyone but our Ms. Fabray. That, plus him knowing what it's like to build up a good reputation only to ruin it in seconds tipped him off. Once again, Dianna Agron shines, pouring her heart out to Will about all the things she has lost, saying a bad rep's better than no rep at all. Will says once she gives her kid away, she'll be able to do better things than she ever though possible.
Unfortunately, Figgins arrives. Will protects Q, saying ND closed ranks. Figgins, after noticing Quinn in tears, calls this one a wash. Cut to Rachel's locker as Jesse arrives full of snark and hurt, saying that he canvassed the McKinley population, the general consensus being that though she was an unknown and not particularly liked, those who did know her could trust her. When Rachel says she has a pathological need to be popular and that it sometimes clouds her judgement, Jesse agrees on that level. Throw the emotions in and it's another story. Rachel haughtily says she knew Jesse would break her heart, but Jesse correctly says she broke his first. And thus, Rachel again sees herself hoisted again, though Jesse won't just vanish. We'll see him again after the next episode. And thus we end this episode with Rachel and the men she hurt venting in proper Bonnie Tyler style, intercut with St. Berry getting their ballet on, reputations dented if not entirely broken.
Next Time: What happens when the resident diva loses her defining feature?
New Glee Wales. Rachel, always one to never go by half measures, is displaying to Will her various and sundry vitamins, which she apparently takes thrice daily. Seems that she's been handling the bulk of the singing and is starting to feel it; perfect pitch giving her a sensitive ear, allowing her to hear ND be lackluster in their vocals. To confirm it, she went to A/V club president (and future ND member) Lauren Zizes for a need to bug the choir room; Zizes demanding two boxes of Mallomars and Snickers for her brethren. After replaying the tapes, Rachel provides a list of those not pulling their weight, namely Finn, Puck, and the Unholy Trinity. Speaking of Noah, we cut to him staring at Mercedes; gathering courage, he approaches and puts on some moves. As you'd expect, Mercedes no sells all of them, Puck floored at yet another girl rejecting him, not helping his case by, after Mercedes mentioned Quinn, his dismissing the pregnancy as her understanding Puck can't be tied down. Noah, you're an idiot.
Back to the glee and the restless, where Will chastises ND for their complacency, giving them the assignment of a song that describes their self-image. As Kurtcedes exits, Kurt bragging about his prowess, we see and hear the familiar shape and tones of Papa Burt, there to unintentionally drive Kurt up a wall by picking up Finn for a Reds game. When Kurt asks why he wasn't invited, Burt says he's tried, but it turns into a fashion routine. Burt leaves as Kurt stands depressed. Cut to Puck again putting the mack on Mercedes and being shot down again. Will arrives as Rachel leaps up to perform some Miley... but then her voice gives out DUNDUNDUN.
Kurt's locker. The Marques de Sylvester arrives, seems Kurt skipped a Cheerio! practice the previous day due to Burt and Finn, saying he's afraid Burt's slipping away due to having someone with common interests, even saying it might also be due to his being gay. Sue calls BS, saying he's too young for labels, though it does seem to give Kurt an idea. Cut to Kurt's bedroom; Burt arrives as Kurt reveals himself in full Burt Hummel regalia, saying his song for the assignment is some Mellencamp. Burt is nonplussed. Cut to Finchel in a doctor's office, Rachel panicking over possibly losing her voice. Finn gives a half-assed peptalk, saying it's unlikely the doctor'll say she'll never sing again. The doc arrives and diagnosis her with tonsillitis which is giving her an inner ear infection. He prescribes antibiotics as Rachel asks for options. Unfortunately, Finn chooses that moment to make a play for Rachel; seems that despite his dressing down of her in the previous episode, his latent feelings have returned to the surface. Rachel is not pleased, especially when Finn says Jesse, who as mentioned is not in this episode, will dump her if he realizes she can't sing. Rachel's stubbornness kicks in, dismissing it as base jealously.
And ladies and gleeks, we have Finn wanting someone who has a boyfriend named Jesse. Thus, the Springfield is obvious, as is Rachel's mortified face throughout. Afterwards, it's Puck's turn, and he decides to do his pursuing of Mercedes from a different angle; namely, some Sinatra. Mercedes approves, Santana not so much. After the break, we see Mercedes getting positive looks from the student body. We then see her approach Quinn, who encourages her to go for Puck; seems Quinn's living with the Puckermans for now, and Puckcedes would distract him from annoying her. However, she then gets to the root of the problem, namely how both Puck and Mercedes are using each other for popularity. Thing is, Mercedes knows it, but doesn't care, saying this way there's no real emotional attachment. Unfortunately for Mercedes, there is also an apparently territorial Santana to look out for.
Back to the Gleetucky Downs, where Kurt's next up. He makes an attempt at Mellencamp, but only Brittany seems to be into it, the rest having the appropriate expressions. Afterwards, when Will reminds Kurt of the point of the assignment, Kurt tries to bluster, but clearly isn't buying it himself. Someone was though, as Brittany approaches, seems she's liplocked with everyone from students to employees, minus one. She throws herself at Kurt, who is still stubborn enough to accept. Cut to Finn's locker where he sees Rachel looking like she's aged 20 years. Seems the antibiotics have given her insomnia, but haven't returned her voice. Finn is tired of her self pity, while Rachel insists her voice is the sum of her worth; we then get another insight into her psyche, saying she's like Tinkerbell, she needs applause to live. Finn then says he has a friend for her to meet as we go to break. We return to witness the page image above and... no... just... just...no, although we did find out Brittany likes the taste of her armpits. Brit-Brit, you are a treasure. The mood is broken by Papa Burt, and awkwardness ensues, ending with Burt offering the token warning of protection, though of course highly unwarranted.
Cut back to Mercedes locker and Puck extolling the virtues of SuperMarioBros3, only for her to tell him to find out more about her as a person, starting with her love of frozen mocha's. We then see, thanks to him slamming JBI into a locker thank fucking god, that Puck's rep is slowly returning. After acquiring money for Mercedes' mocha, we see Santana and Puck share looks, unfortunately Mercedes observes this byplay and this leads to the obvious duet, with Mercedes as Brandy and Santana as Monica. Refer to the spoiler tag at the top of the recap. This, incidentally, is only Naya's second time singing; we heard her in the Madonna tribute, but this adds another powerhouse voice to the rest of the pack. Afterwards, shoving ensues, we pan to Puck both amused and disturbed.
We return from break to JBI IN A DUMPSTER PRAISE AND HALLEJUAH! Unfortunately, someone is not pleased with these events, as we see Mercedes look on disapprovingly. She confronts Puck for reverting back to old patterns, Puck saying this is the order of things. We then cut to Finchel at a "friend"'s house; this is actually a Long-Lost Uncle Aesop who got paralyzed during a game. Obvious message is obvious obviously: don't let the loss of one aspect of yourself affect the rest of you. Cut back to Puck's locker as we see Mercedes has ditched the Red and White. Puck is aghast, but again, it ties back into being true to yourself. This is the lesson Mercedes tries to teach Puck, calling him out for dumpster tossing, saying he doesn't really like the guy he's become. Puck contemplates as we cut to Kurt and Brittany holding hands, Kurt's true self slowly reemerging via skin care secrets. They come across the rest of ND, still with WTF faces on, then Papa Burt arrives, apparently still looking through Kurt as he tells of plans with Finn. Kurt, after dismissing Brittany, gets an almost thousand yard stare as we cut to what is normally a song within Kurt's wheel house, but in this context seems more like a Sanity Slippage Song. Turns out to be Kurt venting on stage as we reveal Burt applauding. He then admits to going overboard with Finn, saying that while he will fight for Kurt's right to love, he wished that he could take Kurt to games and talk about girls. Kurt admits seeing Burt with Finn breaks his heart, hence the charade. Burt insists Kurt doesn't have to do that, being himself is enough.
We enter the home stretch with Rachel returning to Long-Lost Uncle Aesop's house, thanking him for showing her that just because she's not good at anything over than singing doesn't mean she's not any good if she can't sing. When Rachel offers singing lessons (of course her voice returned), LLUA accepts as he, Rachel, and the rest of ND breakout the U2 to close us out for the week.
Next Time: We are the dream makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
We commence with Will in Figgins' office, being introduced to the newest member of the school board... naturally, since Will's dreams exist only in his nightmares, this turns out to be former McKinley ubermensch Bryan Ryan, who got Will's solos and his women. We then cut to early 90's McKinley, full of mullet's aplenty, Bryan doing his best Monkees with some magic attached. We then see Will agast at this as Ryan talks the smack. Cut back to the present where Ryan plans to audit the curriculum, and by that, naturally, he means glee. Ryan then reveals that after he graduated, he was a soloist in a review at a theme park, then the cruise ship circuit, before that dried up and led to him waking up in a crack house. He cleaned up, and now runs a group for ex-show choir members; we then cut to a meeting featuring Molly Shannon's character from the last episode. Ryan wants to speak to New Directions, Figgins asking what's the worst that could happen?
Any time anyone asks that question, we get the answer in the next scene. Ryan is introduced, and he asks ND to write their dreams on paper. We then see him rip Artie's piece of paper off and crumple it into a ball, and tell the kids their dreams won't come true, that Will's show biz dream didn't come true, and neither. Will. Theirs. as. we. hit. the. Title. Card.
In the Library, we see Artie trying to reach a book as Tina approaches. The book was on a famous director, since Artie is never gonna be a performer, he'd figured he'd go down that route. He'll prove to excel at it. Tina asks if that was his dream; when he says yes, she reveals she found the paper in the trash with the word "dancer". Tina then offers to have Artie dance with her since Will didn't actually give them an assignment for this week. Cut to Rachel in her ballet studio; we then pan over to see Jesse. After Rachel reveals her dream: Evita, Funny Girl, and Laurey in Oklahoma! (one out of three's not bad, especially when events pertaining to it lead to humbling a raging ego.). Jesse states that a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside, the one thing that if it came true would make all the hurt go away. Her dreams are an inevitability. They embrace as we cut to the McKinley hallway, where Rachel reveals her true dream: to meet her mother. Jesse offers to help as we cut to Tina getting her tap on. Artie then follows with taps on the wheels. Unfortunately, Artie sees the reality and cuts the music, asking Tina to hand him crutches borrowed from a student with Cerebral Palsy. Seems Artie wants to know if pushing the chair gave him the upper body strength to leave it. This being Glee, as we are wont to do, we spot the outcome from a mile away and sure enough, despite Tina stabilizing him, he moves two inches and collapses. And to drive it home, he then breaks down and lashes out at Tina.
Cut to Ryan taking stock of the Home Ec supplies as Will enters and offers both a beer and an olive branch as we break. We return to Rachel telling Jesse that her mother is Patti LuPone. Right. Jesse pries and we find out Rachel's afraid of who her mother might be. He then suggests using whatever baby items she has for clues. Rachel points out her dads kept file cabinets of documents and that's a good place to start. Cut to a bar where Will recites how popular Bryan Ryan was, only for Ryan to reveal the one who got away... Terri. Explains a lot. Will says music helped him recover from dumping her, saying ND is about expressing yourself internally as well as externally. We then get the truth about Bryan Ryan: He tells his wife thrice a year he's going on business trips, only to see Broadway shows, even keeping the Playbills in his basement. Will then tries to motivate him by going to the jukebox for some Billy Joel, afterwards, Will reveals the local theater gild is doing Les Misérables and they are both going to audition.
Cut to Artie apologizing to Tina, saying he lives in denial and being confronted with the reality made him lash out. Tina produces current studies on spinal cords, telling him not to give up. Cut to Rachel and Jesse bringing in boxes of her stuff, Rachel calling it both creepy and flattering. As they look through things, baby teeth and sonogram amongst them, we then see that Jesse knows more than he let on, as he slips a cassette into one of the boxes. When it is revealed, Rachel is stunned to see the words "FROM MOTHER TO DAUGHTER". This evidently makes things all too real for her as when Jesse attempted to play it, she freaked, saying she wasn't ready.
Cut to Lima Community Theater, where both Will and Ryan plan to audition for Jean Valjean with the same song. After we see the director dismissing an American Idol level bad singer, the two take the stage for the obvious Aerosmith. After the break, we cut to Tartie in a mall, Artie having bought taps. When Tina leaves to get a pretzel, we then go into another hallmark scene: Artie daydreaming about being out of the chair for a flash mob, complete with Mike, Matt, Brittany, Kurt, and Mercedes mixed in among the dancers and BTW, with the exceptions of said dancers and the main cast, no one else is an extra, so their reactions are legit. Afterwards, we Mood Whiplash back to sad reality with a visit to Sylvester's house of venom and triumph, although not much right now as it is revealed, not so shockingly, that it was Sue who sent Bryan Ryan after ND. Ryan admits he was, only to have a change of heart after getting his performing mojo back. He then flips it on Sue, threatening to go after her due to studies suggesting music-based programs improve intelligence. Sue counters saying athletics promotes group activities, problem-solving and social skills. And then, Ryan gets turned on. Hmm.
After the break, we see a rain-soaked Jesse enter a car and tell the occupant she won't listen to it; we then pan over to see Shelby and let's go ahead and say it right now: When we said Idina Menzel's casting was deliberate, we weren't kidding. Shelby is in fact Rachel's mother. Jesse then reveals that dating Rachel and getting into McKinley was on her orders, only for him to legit fall for her. When Jesse asks why she couldn't just introduce her, Shelby states that as part of the surrogacy, she can't contact Rachel until she's 18; Rachel has to come to her. We then get backstory: struggling actress Shelby accepted an ad for a surrogate due to the money being enough for her to move to New York, after Rachel was born, Shelby didn't even get to hold her, that being her one regret. She implores Jesse to get Rachel to listen to that tape.
Cut to Emma's office, where Artie reveals the studies about spinal cords to her, saying he'll need her help when he starts walking again. And now, the predictable happens as Emma points out that as many therapies he could take to try and walk again, it will still take years for them plus medical sciences to find any sort of way to repair the damage. Artie is naturally crushed. Cut to the Magiglee Shop where Bryan Ryan is handing out new outfits and sheet music bought by siphoned Cheerios! budget. Of course, this is almost too good to be true and that of course summons Sue to reveal Will got the part in Les Mis. Ryan takes everything back and says he's cutting glee. We then cut to him rehearsing his one line as Will arrives and reminds him of high school, saying you're labeled the second you show up. He produces the yearbook picture to show Ryan ND has no labels or preconceptions, just their true spirits. Will then offers Ryan his part, and of course he accepts.
We begin the home stretch with Rachel finding Jesse putting Shelby's tape in the player and saying she's ready to hear it. We then get a duet of the Les Mis song appropriate for the occasion; afterwards we cut to Tina begging Artie to reconsider, but Artie says she's worked too hard on her routine to have "half" a partner. He does agree to sing as we cut to Will confirming the obvious about glee's status, then letting Tina have the stage for her routine. And thus we end with Artie flexing pipes to the moves of his girlfriend and her future boyfriend. Dream on gleeks.
Next Time: New Directions gets theatrical while Finn goes to his yelling place. It's not pretty.
We cut to Carole leading Finn down to Kurt's bedroom. Seems the original plans to have Carole and Finn move in with Burt and Kurt are back on as we see Burt pleased and Kurt with bubbly in hand displaying his come-hither eyes. A warning folks, this will get ugly. Kurt insisted on the surprise as Burt offers finger foods and Carole loves the extra space. Finn, naturally, not too happy. Kurt, naturally, not caring, then reveals he and Finn will share a room and you can see in Finn's eyes he is this close to taking things to a bad place. Burt offers $300 for redecorating that Kurt promptly takes, seems he's handling everything while Finn barely has a handle on his temper and his sanity; the three of them coming at him at once not helping.
Gleesylum. New Directions are dumbfounded at Tina in regular attire. Tina laments her not being able to express herself as Hurricane Berry roars in; seems she's been proactive, doing dumpster dives behind Carmel and in the process finding empty boxes of Christmas lights. This led to Chantilly lace, which of course leads to Lady Gaga. Puck, surprising no one, knows naught of who she is, while Kurt figures out the game: Title Drop, which ND lacks. This lights up the neurons between Will's eyes, getting Tina a new look while finding material for Regionals. He lays down the assignment as we cut to Mama Corcoran and her Vocal Adrenaline drones attired in one of Gaga's signatures. We see some infiltration at hand; namely, Mercedes, Quinn, and Rachel in the balcony. Shelby, annoyed at the routine, states that theatricality isn't about the costumes, but having the passion and the ability to push oneself. Then, figuring an example is required, she cues up Streisand. This, plus the vocals itself, tips Rachel off as to whom brought her into the world. After the song, before the break, Rachel reveals herself.
We return to Shelby and Rachel in the seats, Shelby revealing that her desire to know Rachel stemmed from her Sectionals performance. She laments her giving Rachel up, as well as her failing to become famous. Rachel attempts to get close, only for the reality of the situation to crash down on Shelby, causing her to pull a runner. Cut to Will's office, where Finn, not caring about Will's extolling of Gaga, says as such, saying he that he wants an equivalent for the men to perform and has a suggestion. We then cut to Puck at Quinn's locker and apparently he figured since Quinn won't be with him, let's cover the pain with being an asshole. Thus, his suggestion that Baby Puckerman be named "Jackie Daniels". Quinn, clearly in the third trimester and at some sort of wit's end, reminds him he doesn't have to worry about names as we cut again to Kurt and Tina, both in basic Gaga attire, specifically Tina in bubbles. Yes. Unfortunately, a momentary lapse in remembrance of location leads to resident boogeymen Azimio and Karofsky asserting themselves.
Haus of Glee. All are gathered, ND women in more standard Gaga, as Mercedes reveals Shelby's parentage and immediately everyone thinks Rachel's defecting. The women in question arrives to reassure otherwise, attired in stuffed animals. Yes. She wants feelings put aside for now as Kurt invokes the "Bad Romance". After we return, we see Finn in the bathroom putting on his facepaint as the homing beacon of stereotypical bullies that is Azimio and Karofsky exit stalls for the standard taunts. Cut back to Carmel and VA's attempt at "Bad Romance", Shelby dismissing them as Rachel arrives. She reveals her dress of plushness and asks for help. Cut to the McKinley auditorium and there she is in more proper Gaga. This is the ND men's time to get theatrical and well... you wanted the best, you got the best. Yes gleeks, the men of New Directions have decided to "Shout it Out Loud", note getting their KISS on while the ND women cheer like their in a mosh pit. Afterwards, the ND men express why they chose Kiss and the specific members they portrayed. Hell, even Matt got a line...
Wait...
MATT SAID SOMETHING?! THE BOY ACTUALLY SPEAKS?! HALLELUJAH! HE'S NOT A MUTE!
Hey, it's his third to last episode, I presume Murphy wanted at least one line.
Anyway, as we recover from Matt suddenly speaking, we cut to Kurt and Tina, Tina complaining about Finn sticking his tongue out (he was Gene Simmons, would you expect anything else) and her picturing him licking her, when we AGAIN cut to Azimio and Karofsky and okay we get the point. Cut to Kurt repairing his outfit while Finn takes the facepaint off, Kurt wanting Finn to be the go between for him and them, Finn instead asking why Kurt's so over the top in everything. Kurt correctly saying it'd be easier for him; then, when trying to help Finn get the makeup, Finn shoves him aside, repressed feelings coming ever so closer. Cut to Shelby in Will's office, where he's concerned not about Regionals but about Rachel. Seems Will's correctly spotting Shelby is digging heels about connecting with Rachel. And it turns out he's right, years back Shelby was rendered barren, and her wanting to know Rachel was her trying to establish something. Thing is, she wanted the infant, not the teenager, and she feels Rachel doesn't need her.
Okay, it's one thing to want to know the child you gave up. That's fine. But to establish contact, only to reject her out of hand? Shelby, you're an magnificent idiot.
And from that, we go to the base of Mount St. Hudson as it prepares to erupt. We see Kurt, in all his matre'd glory, reveal to Finn that he's turned the basement into something not too out of place in your basic harem. This, plus all the latent emotions stemming from the bully brigade & being forced to move into a new house seems to be enough for Finnegan to pop his top and it all spills out; the basic gist of it being his fear of Kurt's feelings for him and the slight homophobia-tinged conclusions therein. To really drive the point home, Finn refers to a particular lamp in a way that offends; this pings the radar of Papa Burt and he arrives to defend on instinct. Burt loves Carole but will put Kurt ahead of himself everyday, and kicks Finn out of the house.
Back to the Home Glee Room. Puck arrives; seems he's been thinking. Normally a risky move, but in this case, it serves a purpose, as he realizes his father was overtly theatrical, and that played a role in him bailing on his family. Thus, he summons his fellow KISS players for a better suggestion on a name for his own child; specifically, the contextually obvious one. Afterwards, he says that he'll support Quinn if she wants to give the baby up, but wants to meet her before hand. After the break, we see Shelby approach Rachel, who knows she's not gonna try to be in her life. They duet on some Gaga before sadly embracing.
Back to the Glee chambers for the home stretch, where Will sees ND in their costumes. Artie wants to know what the lesson was; Will revealing he actually forgot. Tina then enters in her standard guise to offer it: Be true to yourself, and be a little theatrical. We get an example of that when we cut to Figgins leaving for the day, only to run into Tina sporting teeth, threatening him with her father if she isn't allowed to wear her normal clothes. Now, a headcount will reveal Kurt and Finn missing; this is because Kurt went down the wrong hallway and ENOUGH ALREADY. We get it, Azimio and Karofsky are the Those Two Guys of McKinley, they're bullies, you don't have to drive it home. They're about to pummel Hummel when the cavalry arrives in full regalia, complete with Finn in his own Gaga outfit. Battle lines drawn, the two retreat leaving us to end business with Finn and Kurt on the mend and ND's bonds stronger than ever.
Next Time: We get funky.
We start with Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, and Artie, exuding confidence about Regionals; apparently, Vocal Adrenaline's been less than perfect as of late. Kurt makes the mistake of mentioning how ND has Jesse and this summons Rachel to confirm the hoisted petard as ND enters the auditorium to reveal it's been invaded by enemy troops, led by the newly re-defected Jesse St. James. Seems when Shelby rejected Rachel, this gave Jesse the excuse to return to the fold; apparently, Jesse also realized Finn's feelings for her and decided Rachel would jump to him. This will lead to events later on. Anyway, VA has taken over the stage to assert themselves and remind ND what they're in for at Regionals; this leading to some Queen to set the tone. Afterwards, a dejected ND learn it's SOP for VA to psych out competition before major shows to demoralize them, referring to it as "funkification". Kurt again tempts fate by saying it'll take more than that to scare them, entering the Glee Sanctuary to find VA also respect the classics, redressing the choir room in some fine 2-ply as we hit the Title Card.
As ND cleans up, Mercedes asks the rhetorical question of how VA was let in and shocking no one, the answer lets herself in, trophy at hand. Apparently, if ND busts at Regionals, Sue lays claim to the choir room, wanting a walk in trophy case. Sue makes a mistake of premature gloating and this allows Will to tap into his rare anger and throw the trophy across the room. We then cut to a slightly more happy moment for Will, sorta; namely, his finalizing his divorce. He and Terri sign the paperwork as we cut back to Will asking ND about regrets, saying they won't regret losing at Regionals because they will have tried, but they will regret letting VA get under their skin. Will says they have to fight dirty, this of course spurs Puck into action, he and Finn heading to the Carmel parking lot blades in hand.
Cut to Figgins' office, of course they got caught. Figgins expels them both, but Shelby will back off if Puck and Finn pay for the damage; after rejecting taking it out of the glee budget, Puck says he and Finn will get jobs. Cut to Will being so depressed he dares to go to Sandy Ryerson, who won't offer due to his depression but does offer up that VA has a weakness. We then cut to the word "FUNK", seems VA can't do funk numbers, so ND will provide the funk with some Parliament-Funkadelic. This also serves as the assignment, Mercedes volunteering of course. Also offering herself up is Quinn; understandable, she's full of soul and anger and needs to express it.
Cut to Rachel in Will's office, feeling Jesse was using her the whole time. Surprisingly, this seems to set off the electrons within the follicles as we cut to Will after hours. Sue arrives, only for Will to put... the... moves... on...
No. Just... No.
Sadly, yes, Will puts the moves on Sue, who is struck dumb, as are we all. He then puts on some Rufus under the guise of suggesting numbers for Regionals, then makes with the animal magnetism. Sue is hypnotized by the gyrations, again, as are we all.
Cut to Dante's Sheets and Things, where Terri is showing new employees Finn and Puck how to work. Of course, we get them being demeaned by Terri's lapdog Howard, Sandy Ryerson, just overall demoralization. Naturally, we need a soundtrack to go with it, thus we cue up some Beck to suit the mood. Afterwards, we cut to Terri seeing Will in Finn's place; this gives her motivation to put the moves on Finn. Cut to the Tracksuit Tower after dark, where Sue is evidently easily swayed by the forbidden moves of one Will Schuester, writing as such in her journal. The man in question arrives, offering her flowers and supplements, everything a girl needs. However, the true purpose is then revealed, as Will invokes some sexy tones to convince Sue to come to dinner with him. Oh this won't end well.
We return from break to Terri drooling over Finn, good grief. Finn, invoking his savvy, says Terri would be considered a MILF... if not for the whole fake baby thing. Ouch. Terri does offer to help Finn with his assignment, loading up iTunes for suggestions as Howard arrives to hear Finn's now assistant assistant manager. Because Howard lives to be depressed.
And now, we see the funky side of Quinn Fabray. Tapping into her anger, and getting assistance from other young mothers, she rips into James Brown with fury, showing why Dianna should've gotten more solos. Afterwards, we cut to Sue alone at Breadstix and the plan is revealed; Will plays with Sue's emotions to throw her off balance. Will, you know not what you've done. She confronts at Will's place where he lays down a "The Reason You Suck" Speech, getting all his anger out.
After the break, we see the effects of Will's play: Sue won't get out of bed, meaning no Nationals and thus no scholarships. Me thinks Hairgel didn't see the trickle down coming. Cut to Funkglee Town, where Puck, Finn, and Mercedes demonstrate their ability to get down with a touch of Marky Mark. Unfortunately, as you've guessed, me thinks they misconstrued the concept; Artie confirming they're in a deeper funk. Speaking of misconstrued, we cut to a forlorn Quinn in the library. Mercedes joins her, understanding the anger Quinn feels, Quinn lashing out over the laughs, the looks, Mama Puckerman. Mercedes then reveals that her brother went to college leaving behind an empty room, so Quinn stays with her.
Cut to Sue's literal trophy house, her maid letting Will in. Will apologizes for his behavior, Sue lamenting her loneliness, wishing she had a normal life. Will says that her kids need her, so she's not really alone. This motivates her back to form as we cut to Rachel getting a call from Jesse to meet her in the parking lot. And you don't need Akbar to know this is a trap, as when Rachel arrives she is met with VA and yolks aplenty, Jesse breaking the last one himself.
After the break, we see Rachel petrified; turns out she's a vegan and thus prefers tofu to omelettes. Puck, in a mood for some of the ol' ultraviolence, calls upon all ablebodied ND men to mobilize. Will talks them down, saying they'll get their revenge another way. Cut to Will's apartment as he sees Sue, on a second wind, lead the Cheerios! to their sixth straight win. When asked where she'll put the trophy, Will's eyes widen as he realizes Sue always gets the last word; her, Brittana and an extra showing up with said hardware to confirm it. Sue, engorged with venom and triumph, lays down a Sadistic Choice: The Big Damn Kiss, or the trophy's going in his chambers. We then cut to the trophy being installed as Will looks morose.
We go into the funky home stretch as Vocal Adrenaline sit in the McKinley auditorium, Rachel stating they know VA's weakness. We then see ND get down in proper style; yes, that is Chris Colfer with the opening baritone. And thus we end proceedings with Vocal Adrenaline getting the hoisted petard for once. Stay funky gleeks as with that, the stage is now set for...
Next Time: The Season 1 Finale, featuring Regionals 2010, an inevitable birth, and the definition of the phrase Chaotic Neutral.
We start the first season finale with Will hanging up a poster telling people to support New Directions at Regionals (it doesn't say the time or place). This of course summons the Tracksuit Tyrant, who walks past and tells him that she's looking forward to seeing him at Regionals. Will is surprised, but he should realize she isn't going to be there for support, no no no, she realized if New Directions is going down she wants a direct hand in it, so she's going to be a judge.
In Figgins' office, Will screams that Figgins can't let Sue judge. Figgins tells Will that he doesn't actually have any control over who the Show Choir governing board decides to make a judge. Sue says that they invited celebrities to be the judges, and Sue is definitely a celebrity. She's also offended that Will would think that she would be anything but an impartial judge. Will reminds Sue that she leaked their set list last time, and Figgins, clearly not giving anything resembling a damn, reminds Will that the club has to place, or they're out. Sue gloats to Will's face as, for the final time this season, we hit the Title Card.
We see a flashback to the day Quinn and Puck's baby was conceived. Quinn keeps raising objections to them sleeping together, but Puck bypasses them, even invoking some harsher hindsight by asking if either of them will give a damn about Finn in three years?
End flashback. The Glee club are at Will's place for a party, and also to decide their set list. Wait, they're only doing this now? This will explain a lot. ND are incredibly depressed because they've decided that since Sue is a judge, the fix is in. Tina weeps that she loves them all. Finn wonders why they're all acting as if everything's going to be over. Mercedes points out that outside of Glee club, it's not like Puck or Santana will want to talk to any of them. Rachel asks instead of a set list that they list what they love about glee, and Will agrees.
We cut to Emma's office, where Will relates how sad the club is making him, asking her for some guidance. She reminds him of how happy singing makes him, bringing up showing him the video of his Nationals win, and that he needs to remind the kids that the joy of singing together is more important than winning or losing. Will tells her how much he misses her, and she tells him that she's dating her dentist, who we will meet next season. Cut to Will's alleged car, after flipping through the dial, he comes upon the Bootstrapped Theme and has a breakdown and a breakthrough.
Cut to Rachel looking fearful as Finn arrives, convincing Rachel not to give up. He says that she can help the club feel better about the competition, and they're going to win this damn thing. She responds with a liplock. In the room where the Journey starts, Will puts the band on the board, then says nine months prior, there were only five. He says that eventually, time will claim them all, that life only has a beginning and an end, but he loves them too much not to make sure they make the most out of the middle. Since it was "Don't Stop Believing" that brought him from the brink, it will be the Journey that guides them at Regionals.
And now, the stage is set. Your judges: Rod Remington, Sue, Olivia Newton-John, and Josh Groban.
We start with pandering, as Fort Wayne, IN's Westvale High's Aural Intensity performs a mash-up of ONJ and Groban. Oh, for fuck's sake. Cut to backstage where ND fumes. Will arrives and says if winning is what they care about, they've already lost. After a joke about Finn's dancing, they clasp hands atop each other for the first of the signature "show circles". Cut to said Finnegan, nervously preparing as we also see Rachel getting ready as well. Rachel says "break a leg", Finn responds with the L-word. Instead of throwing her off, this seems to warm her up as they prepare to enter. The music is cued, and they perform what would be considered the song of the real life couple they would become. And again, adding harsher hindsight, one giant Tear Jerker all around. Then we go from the ballad to the rock, the last mashup of the season, followed by the big finish, the Bootstrapped Theme to whip the crowd up. As this goes on, we see a surprising sight: one Judith Fabray.
We soon see why; after we cut to backstage, Quinn runs into Judy, who tells Quinn she's dumped Russell due to his being a bastard; that and he cheated on her. She wants Quinn to return home, however, her granddaughter has other plans and makes her presence felt by breaking Q's water. Speaking of breaks, we return from one to some Queen, as it's Vocal Adrenaline's turn at bat and Jesse's turn at the spotlight. We intercut this with ND at the hospital, as Quinn allows Puck and Mercedes into the delivery room. And it's a perfect cut, timing the beats with Q's screams; afterwards, we see that Rachel had to stay behind to get the results. As such, she goes into the VA dressing room to see Shelby, saying regardless of standings, ND won, because Vocal Adrenaline has no heart. She says Shelby should co-direct with Will, only for Shelby to state that she's getting out of the business to have a family. A family that doesn't include Rachel, BTW. However, she does ask about Quinn's baby and for the final time this season you can spot the inevitable from a mile away.
Cut to the Judges' room, where Sue makes it clear about who she wants for third. Egos then come into play, ONJ pissed only one team payed tribute, before saying Aural Intensity should win. Groban questions Sue's credibility, before giving ND props. ONJ trashes them to such a degree that even Sue defends them. Remington agrees with ONJ, linking Sue to ND as far as underdogs with delusions of grandeur. They then question Sue's status as a "celebrity". And then they vote. Thing is, when Sue's pride is damaged, she may go in a different way than you'd expect.
Cut to the judges decision; yes, only three show choirs in the entire competition, disbelief must be suspended. And ladies and gleeks, as mentioned in the Sectionals recap, Murphy will demonstrate on occasion the ability to subvert the expected. In this case:
At the hospital, Puck and Quinn are looking at their baby. Puck asks if Quinn wants to keep her, once and for all, she doesn't. She asks Puck the same question and it's clear he wants to but knows he can't. Quinn then asks if Puck loved her. Puck confirms he did, "especially now".note Shelby then arrives and asks if the baby has a name. Quinn says the baby has no name, but Puck says that it's Beth.
As we see Shelby prepare to replace the daughter she rejected with another woman's baby, we begin the home stretch for the season with Will noticing Emma in Figgins' office, screaming at him about his decision to shut down Glee club. She notices him and comes in hot, asking if he's going to just lie down and take it, because she thinks that some things are worth fighting over. Will immediately asks if she's talking about their relationship or the Glee club. Emma says she means the Glee club, insisting it isn't about the two of them. Will calls bullshit and kisses her, saying she can date who she wants but it ain't over between them. Oooh, Forceful Will. Rachel interrupts them to ask Will to come to the auditorium.
We cut to New Directions with something to say to Will:
Rachel doesn't care what the judges say. They won because they had Will, having him as their teacher gave them all the chance to do things nobody else cared about. They then express their love in proper fashion.
We then cut to Will cleaning up when Sue walks in. Will congratulates her on her victory and asks how she could think that ND wasn't good enough. Sue says that she can't talk about the judging process; however, we flashback to see the truth: ND first, AI second, and VA third, her V/O confirming her vote was genuine. Will concedes that he lost and she won. However, thing about Sue is that she is a Chaotic Neutral for a reason. Yes, she liked the victory, but then realized that life wouldn't be as fun without someone to play with, so she went to Figgins and, reminding him of the dubious and alleged sex tape they made, got glee another year, grudgingly admitting he does good things with New Directions.
Cut to Will telling ND the good news; naturally Rachel wants to start rehearsing, but Will tells them to relax over the summer. He and Puck break out the guitar and the ukulele as we end Season 1 with Shelby adopting Beth and New Directions looking content at what's to come.
One down, five to go gleeks. The Journey's just getting started.
Next Season: We're Growing the Beard, with new members, the man who would become Glee's breakout star, and revelations galore, from ones done in horrific fashion, to ones that would reveal the broken psyche of a very troubled girl. All that, plus the moment that would kick off a Running Gag for these recaps. Till then Gleeks.
