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Bennett Family
Ted Clubberlang
Ted Clubberlang
Played By: Seth MacFarlane, Zane Cowans (young), Tara Strong (uncredited, "I Love You" function)
Dubbed By: JoeyStarr (European French)
Appearances: Ted | Ted 2 | Ted (2024)
John's teddy bear and best friend.
- The Alcoholic: Among many other things, Ted has a penchant for drinking alcohol.
- Anti-Hero: He is not exactly the ideal role model, drinking, swearing, smoking, doing drugs, etc.
- Badass Adorable: Obviously, being a teddy bear and all. He can still beat the shit out of a guy.
- Beary Funny: Ted is pretty much Fun Personified.
- Berserk Button: Insulting Susan too many times in front of Ted will result in an intense Trash Talk that Alpha Bitch classmate of his ran away from the class from shame and embarassment.
- Big Ol' Eyebrows: Light brown eyebrows.
- Brilliant, but Lazy: One of the newspapers reporting on him mentions that he has an unusually high IQ.
- Chick Magnet: He has no problem attracting human girls.
- Curtains Match the Windows: He has brown "fur" and brown "eyes".
- Deadpan Snarker: As is typical of a Seth MacFarlane character, he has a very sarcastic sense of humor.
- Disco Dan: If his choice of surname didn't tip you off, Ted is a raging fanboy for just about every movie made in the 80s.
- Distressed Dude: He gets kidnapped by Donny and Robert.
- Earn Your Happy Ending: After all the crap he's been through in the sequel, including his marriage getting annulled and unfairly dismissed from his job, Ted is finally granted his personhood at the end of the movie and has a child adopted with Tami-Lynn.
- Everyone Has Standards:
- He might be a massive pervert, but he's legitimately horrified by the ludicrously large Porn Stash he finds on John's laptop in the sequel and takes it as a sign that John desperately needs romance in his life again.
- In the prequel series, he instantly regrets his harsh rant towards Erin once he learns of her brother's murder.
- Former Child Star: Being a living teddy bear, Ted was considered a "miracle" and briefly became a famous celebrity.
- Fun Personified: All Ted wants to do is have a good time, consequences be damned. Justified, since his purpose in life was to be a little boy's best friend.
- The Hedonist: Ted's lifestyle. A Lazy Bum who is into hookers, drugs, drinking beer...
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Him and John; this is deconstructed in the first film since Ted's immature behavior rubs off on John, causing tension between John and Lori.
- Hidden Depths: He quotes Kierkegaard, who's considered the first existentialist philosopher.
- Interspecies Romance: With Tami-Lynn; he's a living teddy bear toy and she's a human.
- It's All My Fault: When he talks to Lori, Ted takes responsibilities for being a bad influence on John.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Ted's "jerk" sides come from his foul mouth and hedonistic lifestyle. Other than that, he is a friendly and lovable teddy bear who genuinely cares for others, especially his friend John and his wife, Tami-Lynn.
- Kavorka Man: Ted had sex with numerous attractive women despite being, well, a teddy bear. With no penis.
- Ladykiller in Love: Before settling in a relationship with Tami-Lynn, Ted would take services from prostitutes and had other flings.
- Lazy Bum: He adamantly refuses to work, preferring to watch TV and smoke weed instead.
- Mr. Vice Guy: Ted has a hedonistic lifestyle and can be a foul-mouthed pervert but aside from that he is a good-hearted teddy bear. He genuinely loves his wife, his friendship with John means the world to him, and he does genuinely want everyone he cares about to be happy.
- Oh, Crap!: When he's about to get kidnapped.
- Official Couple: Again, with Tami-Lynn; they marry in the sequel.
- Only Friend: Ted was John’s only friend when they were younger.
- Only One Name: Originally, he had no surname. In the sequel, he legally gives himself the surname of "Clubberlang".
- Outgrowing the Childish Name: John called him Teddy when he was a child. As an adult, he goes by "Ted," though Tammi-Lynn calls him Teddy as an affectionate nickname.
- Politically Incorrect Hero:
- His opinions on "chicks with dicks" porn shows his attitude towards trans women needs work."There are no chicks with dicks, only guys with tits!"
- He is also shown to be rather homophobic, which is best shown in the second film when he says "fags" before making a Verbal Backspace.
- Near the end of the first film, he also pretends to be intellectually handicapped as a result of his injuries, taking delight in tricking into John believing that he’s now “retarded”.
- His opinions on "chicks with dicks" porn shows his attitude towards trans women needs work.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
- When John blames him for Lori breaking up with him, Ted calls him out on it, pointing out how going to the party was his decision and that Lori was right about him about being incapable of taking responsibility for anything that goes on in his life. At least Ted has a reason for being irresponsible.
Ted: "I don't have to! I'm a fucking Teddy Bear!"- Back in high school he delivered a particularly impressive beatdown on a snide classmate when she tried to make fun of Susan.
- Secondary Character Title: John is the main character and the centre of the story in the first film. In the sequel the story is more about Ted himself, with John as his sidekick.
- Shipper on Deck:
- In the first film, he supports John's relationship with Lori and is willing to take himself out of both her and John's lives for her to give John as second chance.
- In the sequel, Ted teases John and Samantha about them being a couple, wanting them to get together.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Ted has such a filthy mouth, to say the very, very least.
- The Slacker: Ted has no ambition or motivation; this is a source of Toxic Friend Influence for John. Given his existence was dependent on a child's idea of what a best friend should be like, his laziness, immaturity, and enabling of John's flaws are basically hardwired into his psyche.
- Springtime for Hitler: He deliberately behaves as inappropriately as possible at the supermarket so he can get fired and watch TV, only to get promoted each time.
- Toxic Friend Influence: He repeatedly talks John into doing really stupid things that jeopardize his relationship with Lori. John calls him out on it later in the movie, though Ted counters that the choice was ultimately always John's.
- Undying Loyalty: Ted promised to always be best friends with John in their childhood.
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Not as much as Peter Griffin, but he's still a foul-mouthed pervert who causes problems.
- Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Justified. When Ted was first "born", he was a media sensation, but 27 years have passed since then and he's since become one of those things in life you can't really explain but simply have to accept.
- Used to Be a Sweet Kid: As a child, "Teddy" was a sweet innocent little teddy bear. Cut to many years later, he's a foul-mouthed pervert, but he still has a good heart.
- Vocal Dissonance: A cute teddy bear that sounds like Peter Griffin is going to take some getting used to.
- "YEAH!" Shot: For him and Sam Jones at the end, just like in Flash Gordon.
John Bennett
John Bennett
Click here to see him in his youth
Played By: Mark Wahlberg, Bretton Manley (young John), Colton Shires (teenage John - films), Max Burkholder (teenage John - series) Other Languages
Appearances: Ted | Ted 2 | Ted (2024)
The lazy, childish human best friend of Ted.
- '90s Hair: Back in 1994 John had the curtain style.
- A Boy and His X: Deconstructed. John made a wish when he was a kid that brought his teddy bear to life through a shooting star. However, the concept is quickly deconstructed during the franchise because John admits that he's a social outcast in school because he brings his teddy bear to school. In his adulthood, John becomes emotionally stunted because he was never able to let go of his childhood and take any responsibility for himself in his adulthood.
- Actor Allusion: John's off-key singing brings to mind Dirk Diggler's ill-advised foray into music in Boogie Nights.
- Age-Gap Romance:
- Going by their actor's ages, John's got a few years on Lori. This is implied to be fueling her frustration with his immaturity.
- John is at least 12 years older than Sam. Then again, John doesn't act his age unless there's enough consequences.
- All of the Other Reindeer: Even the ones getting bullied didn't want him around.
- Butt-Monkey: As a child. Even the Jewish kid everyone bullied hated him.
- Character Check: After going through some character development in the first movie, John struggled to maintain his self-improvement and eventually reverted back to being a manchild. Given his second love interest doesn't challenge John, it's likely he never will act his age.
- Disco Dan: Just like Ted, John is obsessed with 80's pop culture. Downplayed back in his teen years, where John was more inclined towards contemporary '90s trends.
- Disney Death: In the sequel, John falls into a coma after a big-screen TV falls on him and supposedly dies, but it's actually just a prank to get back at Ted for pretending to "come back" retarded at the end of the first movie.
- Dramatic Wind: When he meets Sam Jones.
- Dreadful Musician: When John tries to win Lori back after the latter breaks up with him, he then tries to perform at a concert. Turns out he was such a horrible singer that he got booed off the stage.
- Everyone Has Standards: He's foulmouthed like Ted, but considers the C-Word like nails on a chalkboard.
- Fatal Flaw: John's inability to act his age repeatedly works against him, ultimately destroying his relationship with Lori. The main reason he doesn't try to improve himself is because Ted enables his immaturity and John's afraid of losing his best friend.
- Friendless Background: The reason that John made a wish for Ted to come to life was because he was shunned by the other neighborhood kids and he had no real friends. This left him terrified of losing Ted, so he puts up no resistance to Ted's antics even when he can see how inane they are.
- Happily Married: With Lori, at the end of the first movie...until the sequel reveals early on that they got divorced. This makes sense as their relationship in the first film consisted of John being an immature manchild and Lori constantly wanting to change him in her image. That dynamic isn't exactly that would last for a long healthy marriage.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Him and Ted; this is deconstructed in the first film since Ted's immature behavior rubs off on John, causing tension between John and Lori.
- Manchild:
- The first film is about John's inability to grow up in general. Highlights include his habit of panicking at the sound of thunder and having to sing a profane song with Ted, along with making Lori pick up a hooker's turd while he cowers in the corner.
- In the second, he's fallen back into bad habits, preferring to watch B-movies when he should be helping work on Ted's case and making a scene at the court hearing the moment he's hit with a sensitive question.
- Masturbation Means Sexual Frustration: John initially didn't masturbate that much as a teen, but as soon as he discovered internet porn he lost all self-control and damn near tore his penis off.
- Mr. Vice Guy: He's a lazy stoner but generally well-meaning.
- Never My Fault: John tries to blame Ted for his breakup with Lori, ignoring the fact that he’s not obligated to constantly ditch Lori to engage in immature behavior with Ted. Even Ted calls him out on this.
- Nice Guy: John can be immature and has a low tolerance for genuine jerks, but other than that he's a friendly guy.
- Sir Swears Alot: Not to an extent like Ted, but he does swear like a sailor.
- The Slacker: Due to Ted's influence, a thing which frustrates Lori. This eventually destroys his marriage and he doesn't make any efforts to better himself in the sequel.
- Sophisticated as Hell: When he tells off Rex.John: You know Laurie would hate me for saying this, but she told me how you were in the office. And as one gentlemen to another I hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's Disease.
- Two First Names: "Bennett" can also be a first name.
- Used to Be a Sweet Kid: While John's a Nice Guy in the present, the television series showed that as a teen he showed a lot of potential to rise above his situation. Knowing that John's maturity would eventually stop and settle on mediocrity casts a depressing light on his youth.
- Would Hurt a Child: John says, "Well someone had to Joan Crawford that kid," about Robert, a spoiled psychopath.
Blaire
Blaire
Played By: Giorgia Whigham
Appearances: Ted (2024)
Johns’s cousin who lived with him and his parents in the 90’s.
- Big Sister Instinct: She is very protective of John, trying to keep him away from drugs so he’ll live a better life than her own brother.
- Deadpan Snarker: Is very sarcastic even towards John's parents especially Matty.
- Establishing Character Moment: Blaire's first action in the series is to chide Ted for using the word "midgets" as it's considered a slur.
- Fatal Flaw: Her inability to accept the bad parts of herself is what causes a lot of arguments between her and her family (especially Matty).
- Blaire is very insistent on making sure John doesn't follow the same path as her brother, father, and mother, but the way she chooses to mentor John from becoming just as bad as her own family is more like "do as I say, not as I do" as she still engages in bad or illegal behavior.
- She also calls Matty racist but, as Susan points out, Blaire wasn't exactly above being racist herself as back when she used to cut her Barbie doll's hair, she'd always use the black Barbie as practice before giving a white Barbie doll a better haircut and then either forgetting the names of the black Barbie dolls or calling them something offensive.
- Foil: To Ted. While Ted enables John's immature habits, Blaire makes a sincere effort to keep John on the right track.
- Horrible Judge of Character: Blaire often instigates fights with Matty by either doubling down on her choices or blaming Matty for anything wrong in the family. She assumes Susan is forced into the role of a housewife after Matty forced her to give up her dreams when it was Susan's own choice to do so. When Blaire reveals that she's in a relationship with another woman, she assumes Susan immediately accepts her, while Matty is the only one against the relationship. Ironically, Matty does come around to accepting her sexuality (in his own awkward way), while Susan is the one who's still prejudiced against homosexuality.
- My Greatest Failure: She tried her hardest to keep her brother Kevin out of jail. She failed.
- Only Sane by Comparison: She generally serves as the Only Sane Woman to the family, being the most rational in any given situation. However, this is more of an indicator of how seriously messed up the Bennett family is as she's still a deeply flawed person herself.
- Queer Establishing Moment: She's revealed to be sexually fluid in Episode 6 when Susan walks into her room to find her and her "friend" Sarah kissing after a fight with Matty.
- Soapbox Sadie: Blaire calls out bigoted attitudes on sight.
- The Stoner: She smokes weed alongside her friend, Sarah, at the latter's apartment. She also sells weed to pay for college tuition.
Susan
Susan Bennett
Click here to see her movie counterpart
Played By: Alex Borstein (first film), Alanna Ubach (series)
Appearances: Ted | Ted (2024)
John’s mother.
- Adaptation Name Change: Was named Helen in the original film.
- Ascended Extra: John's parents weren't important characters in the original movie outside of buying John the teddy bear that would come to life, but Susan and her husband are both key characters in the series.
- Hidden Depths: She is taking pottery classes and is a qualified teacher.
- Misplaced Kindergarten Teacher: Even when John is a teenager, she treats him like he's still a little kid.
- Nice Girl: Susan unendingly sweet to everyone. She puts up with Matty’s bullshit with too much grace.
- Politically Incorrect Hero: Downplayed. She's not as vocal about it as her husband and still loves Blaire, but the ending of Episode 6 implies that she still hasn't accepted her niece's sexuality by gifting her a Beverly Hills, 90210 poster.
Matty
Matt Bennett
Click here to see his movie counterpart
Played By: Ralph Garman (first film), Scott Grimes (series)
Appearances: Ted | Ted (2024)
John’s dad.
- Adaptation Name Change: Was named Steve in the original film.
- Adaptation Personality Change: He doesn't get much screentime in the film but what we do see from him showcases him as a rather normal dad who is protective of John when he first sees Ted and sees him as a threat. The series definitely portrays him as a more unpleasant guy.
- Angry White Man: Matty is prejudiced against just about everyone and even sinks to the point of demanding a White History Month. It isn't until his friendship with Dennis causes a serious rift with Blaire that Matty begins to see just how toxic his attitude can be.
- Ascended Extra: John's parents weren't important characters in the original movie outside of buying John the teddy bear that would come to life, but Matty and his wife are both key characters in the series.
- Can't Take Criticism: Matty assumes that anyone who points out any of his characters flaws, even if they do so gently, is "ganging up" on him and refuses to listen.
- Dark Secret: While he served as a solider, he jacked off a dog. Blaire is left disgusted asking how and why this was a consequence of war, and a horrified Sarah wants to know whose dog it was.
- Everyone Has Standards: While he freely makes homophobic remarks towards his niece and her girlfriend alongside Dennis, he actually becomes fed up with Dennis after the latter makes Blaire cry.
- Expy: Scott Grimes admitted in an interview that the character took a lot of inspiration from Archie Bunker.
- Fat Bastard: Not as fat as Peter Griffin, but he's still noticeably pudgy. He is also quite an unpleasant individual.
- Heel Realization: When Blaire leaves the house due to Matty and Dennis' homophobia being too personal for her — combined with Dennis coming close to praising Hitler — Matty finally realizes his attitude is hurting his family and he gives a strained apology to Blaire.
- Jerkass: Matty is an alcoholic, racist, and selfish asshole in sharp contrast to his wife.
- Politically Incorrect Hero: Downplayed. He isn't heroic by any means, but he is nonetheless a protagonist who is homophobic, sexist, and racist, among other things. He does get slightly better by the end of Episode 6, though.
- Shell-Shocked Veteran: He was a soldier who served in Vietnam and mentions in one episode doing some things he doesn't want getting out. In a twist, none of his trauma has to do with any of the actual warfare but the fact that he jacked off a dog.
Dennis
Dennis
Played By: Bobby Strom
A toy truck that Matty had as a child. He wished it to life on Christmas.- Boomerang Bigot: Is homophobic but later reveals he’s gay.
- Evil Counterpart: To Ted since he’s racist and an asshole like Matty. At one point he even states that he agrees with some of Hitler's policies.
- Jerkass: Even more-so than Matty himself, actually making Blaire cry with his homophobic remarks. It's also entirely his fault that Blaire and Sarah almost leave the house on Christmas Eve with his bigotry.
- Put on a Bus: He departs from the household at the end of his episode in order to find himself after coming out as gay.
- Toxic Friend Influence: Matty wished him to life so that he could have someone around the house that would agree with him on everything. Eventually Matty sees just how senseless his own prejudice can be when it's parroted by someone with less depth than himself.
Love Interests
Lori Collins
Lori Collins
Played By: Mila Kunis
Appearances: Ted
John's girlfriend.
- Age-Gap Romance: Lori's noticeably younger than John, which is a point of frustration given she often has to be the adult in their relationship.
- Deadpan Snarker: Has her moments especially when it comes to John acting like a kid.
- Happily Married: With John at the end of the movie. It doesn't work out.
- I Can Change My Beloved: Lori attempts to do this with John. This ends up causing their divorce in the sequel as John was fed up with her always trying to change him.
- Love Cannot Overcome: Lori and John divorced because John got tired of trying to maintain his character development.
- Ms. Fanservice: In the scene where she's wearing nothing but a towel.
- Nice Girl: She’s one of the friendliest, most levelheaded women in the movie.
- Only Sane Woman: When she's around John and Ted, big time. Eventually Lori loses patience and leaves John for good in between films.
- Put on a Bus: She's absent from the sequel, more than likely because of her divorce.
- Single Woman Seeks Good Man: Lori stated that she loves John because he's funny and super sweet. She just wishes he would act his age.
- Women Are Wiser: More levelheaded and mature than John.
Tami-Lynn McCafferty
Tami-Lynn McCafferty
Played By: Jessica Barth
Appearances: Ted | Ted 2
Ted's co-worker and Love Interest.
- All Girls Want Bad Boys: Tami-Lynn becomes an official couple with Ted, who is lazy, perverted, and curses like there's no tomorrow. Not meant to be taken seriously, mind you, seeing as he’s a literal teddy bear.
- Ascended Extra: Tammi-Lynn was only a minor character in the first film. She becomes a major secondary character in the sequel, marrying Ted at the start of the movie. Their desire to have a baby is what sets the main plot in motion once the adoption process puts Ted on the government's radar.
- Hayseed Name: John is able to guess the "Lynn" half of her name solely by Ted stating that it's a white trash name.
- Interspecies Romance: With Ted; she's a human and he's living teddy bear toy.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: She's not exactly the most mature person, but she ultimately has a good heart (when she's not picking fights in classy restaurants) and loves Ted to death (when they're not screaming and throwing things at each other.)
- Law of Inverse Fertility: Her history of drug abuse leaves her unable to have children with Ted, hence why they decide to adopt a child instead. Though even if she were still fertile, she and Ted wouldn't have been able to have kids anyway given how Ted is a teddy bear without reproductive organs.
- Official Couple: Again, with Ted. They get married in the sequel.
- Satellite Love Interest: Despite having a stake in the second film, Tami-Lynn doesn't play as active a role as John does in getting Ted's personhood recognized by the legal system (however she does want Ted to be legalized as much as Ted, Sam, and John do and is by his side through thick and thin)
- Womanchild: She’s just as immature as Ted, so it’s no wonder they became a couple.
Samantha Leslie Jackson
Samantha Leslie Jackson
Played By: Amanda Seyfried
Appearances: Ted 2
A young lawyer that takes on Ted's case in the sequel.
- Age-Gap Romance: She's 26, meaning she's even younger than Lori and at least a decade younger than John.
- Almost Famous Name: Samantha — not Samuel — L. Jackson, which is lampshaded.Sam: Who is that?
- Contrasting Replacement Character: To Lori. Much of the conflict in the first film is Lori being the frustrated Only Sane Woman who is disapproving of John's childish antics with Ted. Sam doesn't provide the conflict that Lori did, pretty much accepting John's manchild tendencies to the point of enabling, and even shares some of John's quirks, like being a stoner.
- Hello, Attorney!: A young and attractive lawyer who becomes John's Love Interest.
- Nice Girl: She's friendly and helpful throughout the movie.
- Official Couple: Becomes this with John. She proves to be a much healthier partner for John than Lori was as she constantly wanted to change John to fit her own image of a "real" man.
- Only Sane Woman: When it comes to her, Ted, and John, Samantha is definitely this. She takes Ted's case seriously when the other two slack off on the assumption that it will be an easy win.
- Pop-Cultural Osmosis Failure: Anything pop-culture is completely alien to Sam. She has no idea her name is the feminine form of Samuel L. Jackson, and is unfamiliar with everything at comicon.
- Second Love: To John, since his relationship with Lori ended after their divorce. This relationship proves to be healthier than the one John had with Lori.
- The Stoner: The reason she gets along with Ted and John is because she's also a weed enthusiast.
- Two First Names: "Jackson" can also be a first name.
Bethany
Bethany Borgwat
Played By: Charlotte Fountain-Jardim
Appearances: Ted (2024)
A classmate of John's who takes a liking to him in high school.
- Alliterative Name: Bethany Borgwat.
- Satellite Love Interest: While by no means a shallow character, she comes in during the last episode to give John a love interest to crush on.
Antagonists
Donny
Donny
Played By: Giovanni Ribisi
Appearances: Ted | Ted 2
Ted's stalker who became obsessed with Ted as a child.
- Abusive Parents: His father was more interested in "making love to new mommy" in front of him and gave him a rake for a birthday present, as shown in the flashback.
- Anti-Villain: Sort of a Well-Intentioned Extremist, Donny tries to be a good father and desperately wants Ted for his son, because when he was a child he wanted a talking teddy but his father said no. Significantly less so in the sequel, where he manages to cut a deal with an executive of a toy company to make more toys like Ted accessible... by kidnapping Ted and dissecting him.
- Berserk Button: Do not swear in front of his son.
- Big Bad: The main antagonist of the film and the sequel.
- Dark and Troubled Past: The director's cut shows a glimpse of Donny's childhood. His parents were negligent and unloving and given how awkward he is, it's assumed Donny never had any friends.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: He's creepyily obsessed with Ted, but he also loves his son and only wants him to have the childhood that he never had.
- Even Evil Has Standards: As a villain, he has an aversion to swearing.
- Evil Counterpart: To John. Both are grown men in a state of arrested development who yearned to have a friend and be accepted.
- Evil Duo: With his son.
- Family-Values Villain: He cannot stand foul language.
- Karma Houdini: The epilogue reveals that he was released from jail because the idea of kidnapping a sentient bear was too stupid for the cops to believe.
- Karma Houdini Warranty: He finally got arrested for real in the sequel after nearly killing John.
- Moral Myopia: He's a sleazy kidnapper but considers foul language to be distasteful.
- Psychopathic Manchild: His obsession with Ted (a teddy bear) & trying to keep him to himself makes him out to be this.
- Serial Killer: Seems to have the characteristics of one, such as a room full of news clippings and a rocking horse with a wig. Ted even lampshades the last one.
- Stalker without a Crush: Towards Ted. He's not in love with him, he's just obssessed with having Ted as a toy.
- Tragic Villain: Donny's childhood was just as lonely as John's, but while John at least had a stable homelife with loving parents, Donny lived in near-poverty with deadbeat parents.
- Weaksauce Weakness: What ultimately blows his cover in the sequel- he has a compulsion to dance every time he hears Tiffany's cover of "I Think We're Alone Now".
- Yandere: A rare platonic example towards Ted.
Robert
Robert
Played By: Aedin Mincks
Appearances: Ted
Donny's "son".
- Ambiguous Situation: It's heavily implied that he's probably not Robert's actual son, with Ted and John assuming that he's some kid he kidnapped that developed Stockholm Syndrome.
- Berserk Button: Don't swear in front of him.
- Evil Duo: With his father.
- Fat Bastard: However, he managed to grow up to become Taylor Lautner... Somehow.
- Kids Are Cruel: He ripped off Ted's ear just for cussing.
- She's All Grown Up: According to the narrator, Robert grew up to become Taylor Lautner.
- Spoiled Brat: An interesting example, in that while his father makes it a point of never saying "no" to him and he's definitely a brat, his room is almost bare, he has something called a "play hour", and his father is physically abusive towards him.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Unlike his father, he is not even mentioned in the sequel.
Rex
Rex
Played By: Joel McHale
Appearances: Ted
Lori's boss who is constantly trying to hit on her.
- Abhorrent Admirer: To Lori. He's not unattractive, but his personality definitely is.
- All Men Are Perverts: When Lori leaves his office, he grabs a magnifying glass, inspects where she was sitting, and licks it. Perverted enough for you...?
- Anti-Villain: He's not even a real villain, just an asshole and John's rival for Lori's affections.
- Casanova Wannabe: He keeps hitting on Lori, but all his attempts are unsuccessful.
- Cruel and Unusual Death: Even if he's a dick, Lou Gehrig's disease is still a horrible way to die.
- Entitled to Have You: His general opinion of women in general, regardless of whether they're single, already in a relationship, or married.
- Jerkass: He's a sleazy, cocky narcissist.
- Slimeball: Rex openly creeps onto Lori and due to being her well-off employer, he refuses to take no for an answer. If this movie came out after the MeToo movement, his comeuppance would have probably been given extra emphasis.
- I Wished You Were Dead: John tells Rex to his face that he hopes he dies from Lou Gehrig's Disease due to all the times he's sexually harassed Lori. The epilogue states that's exactly what happened.
Clive
Clive
Played By: Jack Seavor McDonald
Appearances: Ted (2024)
A bully who picks on John and Ted in high school.
- The Bully: He's this for John and Ted at first, but mellows out at the end of the second episode.
- Disappeared Dad: His father walked out before Clive was born. Ted and John weaponise this information to prank Clive by impersonating his father.
- Fat Bastard: He's a physically abusive bully and a rather weighty one to boot. He also gets excited at the prospect of cake.
- Fat Idiot: He was so hurt by the prank John and Ted played on him that he tried to commit suicide... by overdosing on Flintstones vitamins.John: If Clive wasn't an idiot, he'd be dead right now!
- Heel–Face Turn: When he finds out John and Ted pretended to be his father, he's initially furious, but when he realises they still supported him as if they really were his father, he forgives them and stops bullying them.
- Politically Incorrect Villain: His bullying of John includes calling him gay.
