Niac
Played By: John-Paul Nickel
The last professor of philosophy, history, literature, and theology, and captain of the sportball team at the University of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
- Jerkass: He's endangering the human race by bringing God back, just to save his own skin and/or get his job back.
- Name of Cain/Sdrawkcab Name
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: He's a coach and professor of four subjects.
Leba
Played By: Jon Brence
Niac's brother, who was also fired from the university after punching his boss. Create of "Finder" technology and various sex bots.
- Gadgeteer Genius: A brilliant roboticist, and the creator of finder technology, which can find anything you can imagine, as long as it exists.
- Robosexual: He's spent years making sex bots.
God
Played By: Jesse Lande
The biblical god, and an amoral, sadistic, perverted psychopath of immense power. It was trapped in an asteroid before the Crucible found it.
- A God Am I: Extremely powerful, but definitely not omnipotent, omniscient, or even particularly bright. However, it loves being worshipped.
- Ambiguous Gender: Appears female, but referred to with masculine pronouns in conversation.
- Ancient Astronauts: It arrived on earth and caused chaos for humanity.
- Berserk Button: Science, and any disobedience.
- Depraved Bisexual: All humans are sexually appealing to it.
- Disproportionate Retribution: It'll make your head explode if you try to explain its behavior and abilities.
- Eldritch Abomination/Humanoid Abomination: God's powers make no physical sense, to the point that trying to analyze it is its Berserk Button.
- God Is Evil: A mass murdering sociopath.
- Nightmare Fetishist: Completely sadistic, it gets sexually aroused by killing and maiming humans.
- Sealed Evil in a Can: It's been in the Crucible's holoroom simulating atrocities for centuries.
- Shapeshifter Default Form: Alternates between a human woman with various outfits and a ball of pink plasma.
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: "I am who am!" Lampshaded and mocked in her confrontation with the Science Council.
- Sufficiently Advanced Alien: Definitely alien and powerful, but the source of its power is unknown.
Jessex
Played By: Lynn Trickey
The robotic crewman of the Crucible, she contained God within the holoroom and shut down, before being awakened by Leba and Niac.
- A.I. Is a Crapshoot: Zig-Zagged. She considers humans cowards and her master, the Space Pope, a dangerous idiot, and blatantly defies God, but tries her best to prevent humanity from being enslaved and destroyed. However, this consists primarily of her repeatedly encouraging Niac and Leba to kills themselves.
- Beleaguered Assistant: To the Space Pope. She considers his mission stupid, but continues searching for God long after his death.
- Covert Pervert: She appears to enjoy Leba touching her quantum access nodes as much as he does.
- Deadpan Snarker
- Did You Just Flip Off Cthulhu?: God itself is not immune to her mocking.
- I Cannot Self-Terminate: She believes her existence is pointless and wants to die, but can't kill herself without being programmed.
- Informed Attractiveness: A strange case, as based on Leba's description, she's more obviously artificial than the audience perceives. But, this being Leba, she's considered very attractive.
- Robot Girl
- Sealed Good in a Can: She was kept in stasis aboard the Crucible along with God.
- Three Laws-Compliant: She actually follows the laws to the letter, but knows that doing so puts humanity at risk, and tries to find loopholes, such as convincing humans to kill themselves rather than receive God's orders through them.
Gugol
The future incarnation of Google, it is the defender of humanity and keeper of its wisdom.
- Bad Liar: God and it know each other, but it denies this is the case.
- Big Good: So far, it looks like it's trying to protect humanity from God.
- Deus est Machina: The future of Google, it is revered by humans and may be powerful enough to oppose God.
- The Dreaded: God fears it.
