Jerry has a couple of truly awesome responses to telemarketers. In The '90s, telemarketing was incessant, inescapable, and widely despised, so it's perhaps no wonder that Jerry's lines get a particularly cheerful reaction from the studio audience:
The first (possibly a reference to particularly hated telemarketeer MCI):
Telemarketer: Hi! Would you be interested in switching to TMI long-distance service? Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. But why don't you give me your home number, and I'll call you later? Telemarketer: Uh... Well, I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that. Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home. Telemarketer: N-no. Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. (hangs up)
The second is much shorter but no less effective:
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times? Jerry:Yes!(hangs up)
In "The Opposite", George takes Anti-Advice to the next level, doing everything the opposite of his instinct. He's thinking that his instincts have always led him astray and made him the loser he is, so the opposite will benefit him greatly. And it works brilliantly — he starts out single, unemployed, and living with his parents, and he ends the episode with a girlfriend, an apartment, and his dream job with the New York Yankees. Even more impressive, he gets this done in under a week. Most guys trying to better their life usually have to wait at least 6 months before they start seeing results.
He kickstarts the whole thing by chatting up a pretty lady sitting at the counter in the cafe. He works up the nerve to talk to her and bluntly tells her, "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." It works.
George takes his new girlfriend to a movie and quickly gets annoyed at the people behind him misbehaving. He decides to show that he can stand up for himself, and he turns around and gives a frankly terrifying rant, to the applause of the rest of the theater:
George: Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! If I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me?! Now shut your mouths, or I'll shut them for you. And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
George interviews for the Yankees job and is introduced to the team's owner George Steinbrenner. Rather than show respect for him, George decides to go off on a rant that many Yankee fans have probably wished they could deliver to him at one time or another:
Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you. George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock! All for the glorification of your massive ego! Steinbrenner: ...Hire this man!(walks off)
George thinks his PIN code is airtight and no one could ever guess it. But then Kramer, showing unprecedented grasp of Social Engineering (or the Bat Deduction, take your pick), gives it a shot and comes devastatingly close. He methodically breaks down George's character, watches George's reactions, and correctly narrows it down to a brand of chocolate syrup in under a minute. A terrified George runs away just before Kramer can pinpoint it.
After Kramer wins big at an off-track betting site, a mugger notices the money and follows him down into the subway. He eventually starts chasing Kramer between the train cars, until Kramer accidentally runs into a street performer he had given money to earlier. The mugger catches Kramer and demands that he give him the money... when we hear the line, "Freeze!" and the musician flashes his badge. Even the studio audience cheered.
Elaine gets one over on the Soup Nazi. She's been kicked out of his store for not following his rules, but he offers Kramer a replacement armoire to give to Elaine after hearing the story of how she lost the first one. She goes to thank the Soup Nazi, only for the man to furiously proclaim that had he known it was for her, he would have smashed it to pieces. But then she discovers that he left some old recipes in his armoire, so she extracts her revenge by walking into his store and reading them out loud to him, proving that she can and will ruin him.
Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!!
For some behind-the-scenes awesome, the entire monologue had been handed in by the writers at the last possible minute before shooting the scene, and yet despite having no time to rehearse it Jason Alexander delivered the performance featured in the episode on the first take. The stunned reactions of Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine wasn't acting, it was genuine awe from the actors at what they were witnessing.
Similarly, even though it's an Offscreen Moment of Awesome, Kramer's description of how he saved Toby's pinky toe after it was cut off by a street sweeper is awesome in its own right. He regales how he put the toe in a Cracker Jack box filled with ice, hopped on a bus, and told the driver to step on it — and then a mugger pulls out a gun. Kramer, out of pure urgency and impatience, beats him up, but the driver passes out from the excitement.
Kramer: The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus! Jerry: Wow. George: You're Batman. Kramer: ...Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman! Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me! So I'm fighting him off with one hand, and driving the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door, y'know, with my foot, y'know, at the next stop. Jerry: You kept making all the stops?! Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
He goes to a performance of Pagliacci while dressed as a clown — on foot, through Central Park. Three thugs start harassing him, but he just beats the living shit out of them without saying a word.
He disrupts the filming of Jerry's pilot by leaping out of the audience, off the balcony, and towards Jerry, brandishing a knife. The line he shouts, "Sic semper tyrannis!", means "Thus always to tyrants" and was famously shouted by John Wilkes Booth when he assassinated Abraham Lincoln — in much the same setting.
Elaine gets one back on him when she discovers his Stalker Shrine — she escapes by spraying breath spray into his eyes.
When Kramer goes "undercover" to try and expose Jerry's accountant as a drug addict, he sits next to him in a bar and proves his "interest" by downing an entire glass of beer — while puffing on a cigarette at the same time.
Jerry's old high school rival Duncan Meyer challenges him to a rematch of a 20-meter dash from their school days, claiming Jerry only won because he jumped the gun. And Jerry wins the rematch, to the sounds of John Williams' "Superman" theme.
In "The Statue", Jerry suspects that his cleaning guy has swiped a statue from his apartment and enlists Kramer to get it back. Kramer does so by going up to the guy's apartment and pretending to be a gruff, enthusiastic, and angry police officer — as only Kramer can. Michael Richards later called it Kramer's "defining moment".
Frank Costanza finds out that Morty Seinfeld lied about there not being any available condos in Del Boca Vista to dissuade the Costanzas from moving next door to them in Florida. Frank calls Morty and delivers this threat:
Frank: This is Frank Costanza. You think you can tell me where to live? We're moving in lock, stock, and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool, we're gonna be in the clubhouse, we're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court, and I dare you to keep me out!
Elaine discovers that the slice of cake she polished off from the fridge in her office was actually a collectible — a slice of the wedding cake of Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson, for which Peterman had paid a pretty penny. When Peterman finds out about it, he's oddly calm about the whole thing, because:
Peterman: Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly ventilated English basement? Well, I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed!
"It's the job of a general to by God, get things done!"
George's new boss discovers that he lied about a disability so that he could use the office's big disabled toilet. He can't fire George as long as he actually shows up in his office on time, but he boards the door to his office shut. George responds by crawling through an Air-Vent Passageway and gets into his office anyway. He then calls his boss's secretary:
George: Hello, Marjorie? George Costanza. How are you, sweetheart? Listen, could you give Mr. Tomasoulo a message for me? If he needs me, tell him I'M IN MY OFFICE! Thank you.
In "The Hot Tub", Elaine's internal monologue as she finally breaks her Writer's Block:
Elaine: Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times. It's never looked so strange. The faces... so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless. A bastard child, perhaps. My back aches... my heart aches... but my feet... (looks at her feet with dramatic music) My feet are resilient! Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my Himalayan walking shoes! (raises her arms in triumph as the camera shoots from overhead)
Kramer exacts his revenge on the cable company for failing to turn up when they said they would by doing the exact same thing to the cable guy. It culminates in Roofhopping footrace, and an exhausted cable guy arriving at Kramer's door, breaking down, and delivering a speech many a consumer has dreamed of extracting from their cable company:
Cable guy: All right, I know you're in there... I know you can hear me... You win, okay? You win! I can't do it anymore... What do you want from me? An apology? All right. I'm sorry. There, I said it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I see now how we made you feel, when we made you sit at home, waiting. I don't know why we do it — I guess we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. Well, all that's gonna change. From now on, no more 9 to 12, no more 1 to 5 — we're gonna have appointments! Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock! And if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why! For God's sake, if a doctor can do it, why can't we... Anyway... that's it... Kramer:(opens the door and hugs the cable guy)
In "The Trip Part 2", the Los Angeles police detective who interrogates Kramer steals the scene by essentially walking out of a different show entirely:
Kramer: Okay, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain— Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised... maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory, Kramer: You're a weed. Kramer: No... Lt. Martel: Society's full of them. Kramer: No... Lt. Martel: You're choking the life out of all the pretty flowers! Kramer:(sobs desperately) Lt. Martel: You see something even remotely pretty, and you have to choke the life out of it, don't you, Kramer? You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you, Kramer? You killed the pretty flowers, didn't you?! You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?!
He's quite disappointed when another victim turns up, meaning they've got the wrong guy. But in a kinda horrifying way, he showed how good he was at his job, when Kramer says this:
In "The Andrea Doria", George loses out on an apartment to someone who had survived the eponymous shipwreck, as the condo board sympathized with him. George figures his life as a Butt-Monkey has been much more worthy of that sympathy, and he retaliates with a phenomenal game of Misery Poker, bringing the parties in front of the condo board and having each tell their story. George's bit is told only in pieces, but all of them are Call Backs to prior episodes. And at the end, when he's reduced the entire condo board to tears, only then does he remember to mention something:
George: Oh, and my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thank you for your time.
In the finale, Newman, spurned once too often by Jerry, predicts his coming downfall with devastating accuracy:
Newman: All right! But hear me, and hear me well! The day will come — oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld! Your day of reckoning is coming! When an evil wind will blow through your little play-world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching! Watching as it all comes crumbling down! (Evil Laugh)
After George threatens to break up with his girlfriend as a means of exacting control in his relationship — something he refers to as "hand" — the woman calls his bluff. The audience applauds loudly, because it's a glorious display for any woman who's been on the receiving end of it:
Girl of the Week:I am breaking up with you! George: You can't break up with me, I have hand! Girl of the Week: And you're gonna need it.
Elaine instantly turns one of Jerry's burns back on him:
Elaine: Your standards are too high. Jerry: I went out with you. Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
George tries to save evidence of one of the few accomplishments in his life: he still has the high score in the Frogger machine at his old pizza haunt. When the store closes, his attempts to save the machine without unplugging the power and erasing the high score data sees him having to haul the cabinet across the street in heavy traffic. Which he doesnote almost — he makes it to the other side but can't get the cabinet up over the curb — as if he's playing a game of Frogger in real life, with the camera facing straight down and sound effects from the game itself. And he proves his skill at the game.
In "The Cadillac", George manages to score a date with Marisa Tomei, who happens to have a thing for guys exactly like him. George eventually comes clean and admits he's already engaged to someone else. She punches him and walks off.
In "The Lip Reader", Jerry and George discuss using Jerry's deaf girlfriend to spy on their friends with her lip-reading skills — while she's sitting across the table from them. They cover their mouths throughout the conversation to avoid offending her (like they're Filming for Easy Dub), before George finally convinces Jerry to ask her. He turns to her, and before he can tell her what he's thinking, she nonchalantly says, "Sure, I'll do it!"
Sidra's famous parting zinger after breaking up with Jerry, who had spent the whole episode trying to find out if her breasts are real: "Oh, and by the way — they're real... and they're spectacular." That line was ad-libbed as well.
In "The Shower Head", Kramer finagles his way into Elaine's office and begs her to let him use her shower, because his own building lowered the water pressure and he can't get a good shower anymore. His hair is unkempt and he looks disheveled (even more so than usual), and Peterman, who's already suspicious of Elaine for having failed a drug test (it's the poppy-seed muffins), chooses the wrong moment to pass by:
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry? Kramer: Jerry's got nothing, Newman's got nothing! You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, because I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin! You gotta help me out! Peterman:(bursts in) Not on my watch! (grabs Kramer)I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! (tosses Kramer outside)
In "The Foundation", the kids in Kramer's karate class all corner him and beat him up as revenge for his mistreatment of them. It's also implied that they were emboldened by seeing Elaine angrily shove Kramer to the ground (as she does) after finding out that he gave her life-altering advice based on a quote from Star Trek.
"The Stall"
Elaine stealing all of the toilet paper in the bathroom before Jane visits to get revenge on her for how Jane refused to give her a single square when she ran out of toilet paper at the movie theater.
Jane breaking up with Jerry due to Elaine stealing the toilet paper and Kramer and Jerry accusing her of being the phone sex woman that Kramer's been calling. Earlier, she denied it, but she confirms it in a surprisingly impressive way at end of the episode. '
Jane(to Jerry) Don't call me anymore. (She turns to Kramer, then speaks in a sensual voice before sticking her tongue out)You either.
In "The Glasses", George convinces a blind man to trade the frames of their glasses, as George's glasses are of a woman's style (something he doesn't tell the blind man) and the blind man's are too tight. Once the swap is done, George muses that the glasses really are tight, and the blind man coldly says "A deal's a deal."
In "The Reverse Peephole" Jerry gets in a good jab about how much Kramer leeches off of him when Kramer is begging Jerry to lie to the landlord so that Kramer and Newman won't be evicted (he still does help in the end).
Kramer: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?
Jerry: (with a contemplative smile) Newman, too?
"The Foundation". George realizing how much he's been Hoist by His Own Petard when he realizes how wealthy he would have been had he married Susan instead of doing everything he could think of to delay the ceremony.
George making $8,000 on the stock market in "The Stock Tip." It's one of his very few clear, unambiguous victories over the course of the whole show. Granted, it's from the beginning of the show, before his Memetic Loser characterization kicked in, but it still counts.
" monologue is genuine Mundane Made Awesome.