Considering it's a show about a lyrically talented Bully Hunter giving out The Reason You Suck Speeches like they're candy on Halloween, pretty much every episode has at least one awesome moment.
Season 1
- Season 1 Episode 2: Southwest High
- He calls out the school for being a group of upper-crust snobs who claim to be more diverse than South High and somehow convinced an athletics director to make their rivals South High leave despite being a game at their school:Leave? Can you believe the balls on this prick?
You can direct your mouth to athletically suck my dick!
Man, you rich art snobs can learn it straight from me!
If you're all douchebags, you can't claim diversity! - In response to the Southwest High kids pelting the girls from South High with filled water bottles:I'll take the piss outta you punks in the first bottle I find,
Then toss it back at you, but it won't be water in mine!
- He calls out the school for being a group of upper-crust snobs who claim to be more diverse than South High and somehow convinced an athletics director to make their rivals South High leave despite being a game at their school:
- Season 1 Episode 3: Christian, a Spoiled Brat who uses his daddy's money to get whatever he wants:
- In response to Christian's habit of threatening to sue people who annoy him and how Christian stole the commenter Zenxtro's girlfriend by bribing her with $100:Ey, I can't blame a girl for trying to get paid, don't play.
In sixth grade, a hundred bucks goes a long way,
But think about bribing chicks and whether that's legal
Before you go around school threatening to sue some people! - Christian also has a nasty habit of hitting people in the face. Lloyd doesn't let that one go either.Keep your hands off folks. Man, it's not their fault
That you're the ugly dude version of Veruca Salt! - Then there's this little speech toward the end:But one thing no amount of money can buy
Is pride, big guy! No lie; know why?
'Cause you can only earn that over time, but don't cry.
Maybe you and daddy can save up and give it a try!
But why don't you be a man about it and do us all a solid,
And crawl your weak ass out of your father's wallet!
- In response to Christian's habit of threatening to sue people who annoy him and how Christian stole the commenter Zenxtro's girlfriend by bribing her with $100:
- Season 1 Episode 4: Jennifer, the war veteran commenter Dj Vapid's adulterous wife:
- Lloyd does NOT let Jennifer off lightly when he finds out that, while DJ Vapid was serving as a combat medic in Iraq, she moved her other partner into his house behind his back:I mean, talk about ball and chain; Jen came with a crane!
She's a true home-wrecker, straight earning the name!
I can't believe that's how you'd treat your high school sweetheart!
You go and sleep with some fat deadbeat retard,
While your man is out in the desert somewhere probably getting bombed,
And sewing other fallen soldiers' arms back on!
That's wrong! So shit, ain't this a pisser!
When I got asked to diss her, I was like, "Sir, yes, sir!" - Lloyd doesn't let Jennifer's other partner off either:And dude, fuck you, too!
I hope the chick never puts out and your balls turn blue.
Stay out the service, too.
If I was your combat medic, I'd have left you!
- Lloyd does NOT let Jennifer off lightly when he finds out that, while DJ Vapid was serving as a combat medic in Iraq, she moved her other partner into his house behind his back:
- Season 1 Episode 5: Justin, who's been bullying Hexwitch over her weight:
- This Just in, you big dumb shit!
You deserve to get both your little nuts punched in!
(...)
How you do it, man? Shit, that skill is just great!
You're the world's biggest loser and never had to drop no weight!
You wanna cut someone open? Then come and see what makes me!
You can watch my gravy flow 'cause my flows are gravy!
Smooth and tasty; beefy and shapely,
And they used to teach dicks how to speak to ladies!
- Lloyd then surmises why Justin is such a jerk in the first place:He needs to destroy your self esteem, be mean and make you cry
Because this big tough guy knows he's empty inside!
No balls, no brains, no heart, no pride,
And not bright enough to figure out why!
- Season 1 Episode 6: James, Simon's twin brother who hasn't had a job in years and sponges off Simon for everything:
- How do you live with yourself, Jim? Oh yeah, you don't 'cause you're broke!
And you sap rent, taxes and bills from your bro!
Well, it's over now! EpicLLOYD's of London come to town!
Listen to your brother: Simon says, "Get the fuck up!"
(...)
Crashing on couches, no job seekers' allowance.
You coward! Go out and earn some of your own cash to play around with!
- Lloyd makes sure to point out that, extreme laziness aside, this is a terrible way to treat one's brother:The worst part about it, for Simon, is that you're his twin!
Holy shit, man! Where to begin?
You even leeched his goddamn DNA off of him!
But it's okay; you must be fraternal. That's easy to see, though.
Simon's Schwarzenegger. You're clearly Danny DeVito!
And I've heard the talk: ten years of looking hard for jobs,
But the last time you got one, Tony Blair was in office!
And it's not the money, man! Most folks are happy to help!
Showing thanks by sitting around is how the disrespect is felt!
(...)
So what's your problem, Jim? Your brother is such a great guy!
Won't say goodbye, even though the bloke can barely scrape by!
And you won't even try to find a job, you sloth asshole!
- Season 1 Episode 7: Lloyd targets Tyrance, William, and Reshad:
- Dissing aside, Lloyd also provides a Badass Boast on behalf of the trio's prime victim, DaGimmpy1.Gimp makes a fool of every dude in your cowardice crew.
Can only mock how he walks; he'll never run from you!
And he struts with a limp? 'Cause he's a goddamn pimp!
Catch a glimpse of this man grip cane in his hand
And make a trick of every bitch in your click of hooligans!
Rhinestone braces on his legs when he makes his stand.
That's called spine, fellas. Y'all should try it sometime,
But 'til then, I'll continue to rhyme about you stinky vagines! - First, he targets prematurely bald Reshad:Gimmpy manned up and faced you all through all this!
Reshad, you can't even face male pattern baldness!
You shouldn't be picking on anyone with that name you've got.
Dog, you just don't sound tough when you're called Reshad!
Like, "Oh my god it's Reshad! What'll we do?
He'll rub his shiny head and put a hair loss curse on you!" - Then he goes after Tyrance, who still sleeps in his older sister's bed because he's "afraid":Tyrance is a trash talking scaredy cat!
You kiss your sister with that mouth? (Beat) Naw, don't answer that! - Finally, he sets his sights on William, who wants to be seen as a cool, tough rapper but is actually a big crybaby:'Cause as for the greatest rapper that ever lived,
Well, where there's a Will, there's a way to be a weepy little bitch!
Waaaaaa! I just got a paper cut,
And I also found out that me and all my friends suck!
This is like high school, fellas, and you're too old for that shit!
You're nineteen, and you idiots haven't even graduated!
- Dissing aside, Lloyd also provides a Badass Boast on behalf of the trio's prime victim, DaGimmpy1.
- Season 1 Episode 8: Lloyd helps Mville quit their job by dissing their Mean Boss Daniel:
- We got an idiot restaurant manager here who can't figure
That cutting other people down doesn't make 'em no bigger!
- Lloyd starts out with a badass way to quit one's job:First things first: I quit! You can Take This Job and Shove It up your ass!
I don't give a shit if you're pissed! You yell at me again and some plates is gonna get smashed!
It's obvious you drink too much,
But don't take your frustrations out on us!
You suck, boss! And your whole pancake house sees!
Scream at me in front of customers, I'mma diss you internationally! - He also brings up Daniel's tendency to drive drunk:Man, four DUI's? How many times does it take?
Stay off the road, you drunk asshole! Take the train!
- Season 1 Episode 9: Lloyd helps TheGreenSkeletor "exact some cold revenge" on his grouchy, unforgiving landlady Joan who "attacks his home and fam with harassment and eviction plans."
- It's another of these tales, wanna make your bones shudder:
Single father who's providing for himself and his daughter
Getting tossed to the curb 'cause he's short a few dollars!
Mr. Green, let me go ahead and make your day, brother!
Lady, you won't like me, and that's my point precisely,
So adjust your chops, put your teeth in, and bite me!
You'd bring a landfill to a standstill! You're so trailer trash!
I'll dump you in the garbage out back of this 3 bedroom, 2 bath!
(...)
Fought bankruptcy; he fought for custody,
Fought through divorce and to get into recovery, and suddenly,
He's faced with this drudgery! You're outmatched, you dumb bat!
He's ready to scrap! You're just old and ugly!
And other cats who are dads would act just like him
'Cause it might have been them, had their families threatened,
And if it was me, ya tried to remove yours truly,
I'd turn that motherfucking park into a Rambo movie!
- Of note is Lloyd's response to how Joan always treated Green Skeletor with suspicion and hostility just because he's a single father who needed help qualifying for bankruptcy and threatened to have him evicted because he didn't pull some weeds he didn't know were there.What's the big deal? His pops hadda help him qualify!
He's young and has a child; at least he didn't lie!
Here's a guy trying to put his life back on straight!
You're lucky he didn't take his mobile home and drive away!
So pull your own weeds, Joan, you ho!
- Season 1, Episode 10 is a tribute to Leonski Crosby's badass mother, Elsie Metcalf.
- Yo, get back! It's Momma Metcalf!
So badass, she flip the script on Dis Raps!
(...)
So crazy, she hangs with insane peeps
And shuts shit down when head cases get angry!
I gotta spit flows that are hotter than lava,
If'n I wanna give props to this awesome Momma!
So hard she births kids clad with sticks and armor!
No drama, not a drop, for this security officer,
'Cause lady ain't the type of chick you wanna fight with!
She's a stone cold killer! Even Conan likes this!
(...)
So stand up, y'all! Push them shoulders back!
Respect, muthafuckas, ain't too old for that,
'Cause you only get one mom, and you know when she's gone,
You're gonna wish that you had wrote her a song, so get on it!
Season 2
- Season 2, Episode 1: Lloyd helps a high school kid who's bullied because his last name is Glasscock.
- Of note is when Lloyd gives Glasscock advice on what to say when other kids pick on him:Say, "you can take an art class, and glass-blow me, homie!
"Last time I checked, y'all inspected my junk too closely!
"Does it break? Does it hurt? You're so curious!
"Tell you what, stuff my balls into your mouth for some lunch!
"Give my reproductive organs a suck until they bust a nut,
"Then ask my knot directly whether or not they're made of flesh and blood!
"Call me Glasscock, and when I clutch my crotch,
"I see your bling and rocks, and take 'em up a notch!
"Y'all circle my style like vultures,
"'Cause when I drop my draws, I'm hung like an ice sculpture!
"Thick and solid; I'm clear and ballin', ooh,
"Gotta see through tube like porn stars use!
"And plus, not for nothing with the ladies, I'm nice!
"I just utter my full name, and I break the ice"!
That's right, Glasscock! You fuckin' own that shit!
There's a million boring pricks all named John Smith! - Lloyd then delivers a special message for anyone who bullies other kids for their names:These folks making tired jokes, yo, it's just sad,
'Cause your cock's the size of a shot glass, man!
I get it; I mean it. I could see how that'd shrink your self esteem
To the size of your tiny little penis!
And you think it's nothing, taking shots daily like that,
But it's the type of thing that drives a cat to grab a gat and shoot back,
And that sucks, so y'all keep your big traps shut!
Dig down in your guts and man up for once!
- Of note is when Lloyd gives Glasscock advice on what to say when other kids pick on him:
- Season 2, episode 2. Nick tells the story of how his cousin, Derik, came out as gay and was then bullied and abused by his two friends, Jason and Ramone. Lloyd is angrier here than in any other video beforehand.
- This story is SHITTIER than a used pair of Depends!
A dude betrayed and then bullied by his two best friends!
And just when he's trying to live his life openly!
Now let's see what happens if you push me!
You wanna feel hate? Fine, you can have it!
I spit dark and cold as the deep space between planets!
- Lloyd then flips the script on the two bullies' favorite homophobic slurs:Derik saw a chance to be brave, and he grabbed it,
And y'all turned your backs on your friend like some faggots!
And you'll be happy to know I'm comfortable telling you
That this F-bomb don't belong to y'all no more like it used to!
It's a man with no spine, no pride or respect,
And it don't describe Derik, nope! Not one bit!
But I ain't heard a better term for the two of you yet,
So take your weak words back like a slap in the face, dicks!
And those other insults that you utter,
Why don't you pick something a little better than butt-lover? - "Who gives a fuck if it's a choice, who gives a fuck if it's not? It's none of your business either way, so you can step the fuck off!"
- Lloyd also takes time to complement both Nick and Sammy, Derik's other friend who stuck by Derik and showed him kindness and compassion the whole time.And props to Sammy! Good friends are hard to find.
You got balls, girl, more than these two pussies combined.
Ey yo, big cuz Nick, you're the shit, man, dig?
The type of kid that I could totally be cool with.
- Season 2, Episode 3: Lloyd goes after Nelson, Mark, Steven, and Lucas, who bully Jonas for being dyslexic, even going so far as to break his wrist.
- These four lame dudes all sing the same tune!
These ain't the worst bullies; it's an a Capella group!
A quartet of maggots who just ain't worth talkin' to,
Lest you're mockingly assaulting them like I was brought to do!
- Of note is when Lloyd gets verbose on them:Ungodly large words, huh? You're a laugh to me!
You patently lack an accurate perspicacity!
See, you'll just foment a massive wrath in me!
Instigating altercations such as these is of dubious sagacity! - Then he proves his skill with alliteration:I put the "dis" into "dislexic",
Disregard these dismal disrespectful disappointments!
Diseased with dysentery, y'all couldn't amount to shit,
So disappear! You disemboweled dicks are dismissed! - As an added measure, Lloyd brings in Zach Sherwin for a little extra muscle:It's not hard to tell my freezin' ruthless heart is far from meltin'.
This behavior makes me sick! I'm heavin', pukin', barfin', belchin'
Even, and as far as squelchin' beef, these dudes should start, or else I'm
Leavin' bruises, marks, and welts on Steven, Lucas, Mark and Nelson!
What an ironic twist:
You jerk-offs broke Jonas' wrist!
- Season 2, Episode 4: Lloyd helps EthanAlways tell off a cyberbully who shares Ethan's name.
- This ugly troller thinks he's slick and tough, (what?)
But he's just fucked with the biggest Billy Goat Gruff!
I'll bring this fight right to your front doorstep, bitch!
Send this mutha fuckin' troll back up under his bridge!
(...)
How nice of him congratulatin' my man Ethan right here!
It's an honor being called twat of the week by the douchebag of the year!
You "fukin pussy" hater, you don't need no help looking bad!
You got a talent for that, so thank your mom and your dad!
What type of sad hack looks on Facebook for his exact same name,
Then takes the time to come out saying that this perfect stranger's lame?
The facts this loser's just displaying proves that he's got zero game,
And he's just trying to find someone else online to blame!
- Lloyd also takes some time out to call out people who give in to the G.I.F.T:This is the worst type of harassment 'cause you do it from a distance!
Persistent 'cause you can hide from many face-to-face resistance!
Little piss ants posting pictures and comments on people's pages!
Too dickless for situations where they'd need to be courageous!
- Season 2, Episode 5: Lloyd goes after Diamond, a teenage bully whose favorite victim is a 7-year-old girl with Rett Syndrome.
- Never in my life I heard of something so cold:
An asshole taking shots at a seven-year-old!
Now I'm hotter than the Devil, and you're never gonna forgive me!
You're facing EpicLLOYD, and I'm bringing Hell with me!
(...)
Diamond, don't get bitter and pick on dude's sister
'Cause you got named after the discount stripper!
Man, that macho tough guy thing's been done, son!
You're as macho as my man, Tim Gunn!
Be ashamed of yourself; I'll make flames of yourself!
Keep your names to yourself, or get your brain bashed to hell!
Say "vegetable" like anything but healthy snacks,
They'll have to ask Diamond's teachers to hold me back!
'Cause you got no idea what this girl's gotta do,
What she gotta go through just to try and walk to school!
You wanna stand there and make jokes?
This girl's tougher than you and only seven years old!
- Another great line is when Lloyd points out that, for all of Diamond's mockery of the little girl's mental disability, Diamond himself is still in middle school despite being well into his teens.But you should try to pass class a little faster, guy!
You should not be able to drive yourself to Junior High!
You're sixteen, dumbass! Still in 8th grade?
At this rate, you'll be twenty-four before you graduate!
- Season 2, Episode 6: Lloyd goes after Jerome, a wannabe tough guy who bullies Cade Roberts' sister Sadie at the playground.
- So let's go, pussy! Who's the tough guy now?
Wanna play insult games? Well, this is my playground!
Yeah, my rides are old and rusty; trees dead and ugly,
Haunted by souls of those told they won't amount to nothing!
Keep my monkey bars greasy; I find it comforting
To watch a sleazy bully slip and go tumbling!
Got a teeter-totter that'll rip your neck out of its collar,
Toss you round until you holler: "I don't wanna be a baller!"
Cade been hitting me up about his kid sis, Sadie!
Lately at her school, she been called a crybaby,
And a pussy, and a loser, and a bitch by that bitch named Jerome!
Now I'm hunting you in your home!
(...)
Jerome's so lame and just a seventh grader,
Professional hater before successful masturbator!
If stupid was a class, you would be a test acer,
Pull an A+ just by placing name to the paper!
- Just like with Jason and Ramone, Lloyd calls out Jerome for his homophobia:Get your head out your ass! Welcome to 2015!
Calling Sadie a lesbian like that's a bad thing! - Also, like with previous bullies, Lloyd surmises why Jerome is such an asshole in the first place:It ain't hard to see why you do the shitty things you do!
Pick on girls 'cause you're pissed that they don't pick you!
Treat people like nothing 'cause you're nothing inside
But today, it was Jerome who left the playground to cry,
Saying, "Everything was fine 'til I met this one guy!"
Cut to Lloyd, gleaming with a squint in his eye,
Waving bye from the gate with a vengeful grin,
Saying, "Thanks for stopping by, little bitch!" The end.
- Season 2, Episode 8: A Muslim girl named Ilayda tells the story of an unnamed bully who harasses her for her religion, calling her a terrorist (and a whore, for some reason) and even physically assaults her. Lloyd really lets the unknown asshole have it with both barrels.
- I don't need a name for these ass-wipes; I know the type!
Simple-minded vaginas can't even get their insults right!
First religion, then sex; your thoughts are all non-specific!
No wonder you brought up whores; your sentence structure's whore-ific!
This panicky dandy is clearly a pansy!
Tell this butthurt dick-squirt to go change his frickin' panties!
If that don't squash the squabble, take what Heath said as gospel!
Give this God-awful popple a swat to the twat waffle!
- Even better: Lloyd brings in Nice Peter — "REPPING THE UNITED STATES OF GIVING NO FUCKS" — to give his own thoughts on the subject. Note that Peter doesn't just go after the anonymous bully, but also the teacher who refused to do anything to stop him.So over xenophobes! Man, their hatred's so old!
Been around longer than it takes Lloyd to write new episodes!
Some people stand by, but I won't hide my replies
To some bitch-ass little kid who can't open up his eyes,
And as far as that teacher goes, I say that bitch gets an F!
If they say "They can't do anything", the bitch failed a test!
(...)
'Cause guess what? You suck if you try to pretend
This shit was built on us and them! This shit was built on a blend!
If that's the shit you amend, there's nothing left to defend,
So if you think you're standing up like some men, think again!
Tell your friends: Dis Raps will burn you like Darth Vader!
We'll drop your ass faster than a crashing elevator
'Cause this girl's mad classy; wouldn't even name her hater!
I see you though, but we'll keep it between you and Ilayda!
- Season 2, episode 9. Lloyd targets Alexis' controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend Cory (he doesn't let her use the computer, leave the house except for groceries, or have any friends, he makes her do all the cooking and cleaning while he plays video games, he repeatedly accuses her of lying and cheating, and yet he stays rent-free at her house.)
- I'm on a killing spree, homing in on this all week!
Targeting a pig with control freak on fleek!
Dis rapping the horrible story of Cory, and warning, this gets gory!
I'm unpacking my fists at the back of his throat, and it's gonna be staying rent free!
She do the cooking and the cleaning of this bum's clutter.
Cinderella for a wicked stepmother-fucker!
But these ain't fairy tales; this ain't bedtime!
You see these type of mother fuckers lately in the headlines!
The weak kind behind the scenes abusing power!
Cory, Cosby, Weinstein, Lauer!
Famous or no names, it's time this bullshit ends!
Alexis walked to the store, but they were out of good boyfriends!
Can't help it but destroy this bitch 'cause, bud, you're an embarrassment!
You got another guy sending money to your girl's kids!
What's that say about you, Captain Video Games?
Don't want her checking Facebook 'cause all your pictures look ashamed,
And they should! No male friends, even if they mailmen!
You fail when you front like you trying keeping her in jail, man!
You frail man, you weak man, you thinking that she cheat when she leave,
But there's just doubt 'cause you be lacking self esteem!
Come on, man! Help Alexis; it's done so easily.
If you want to help her out, just hurry up and leave!
She was only in New York for just a month or two!
Dawg, there's 20 million people there, and she got stuck with you!
Could be doing cool, but now she wished she never moved!
Each December now her Christmas list just says: "A brand new dude!"
- Season 2, Episode 10: Once again, Lloyd pays tribute to an awesome person: Namely, Brandon, a teenage boy who dedicates himself to helping the mentally ill.
- Heart of a champion! Heath, I agree!
Somebody get this man a medal immediately!
(Uh!) He's what a human ought to be!
He's only 14! The kid could teach a clinic!
Plus he got the heart of multiple personalities!
Probably why he chose to work with schizophrenics!
Sticks around for his friends like Post-it Notes,
And he walks through hell like Kratos!
He's faithful, and like Mr. Potato Head,
He's always down to give you an arm and a leg!
And dawg, that's not a normal thing for teens to do!
My man has paid all his dues before he's grown all his pubes!
At 2–3AM, when you're home trying to veg,
Brandon's out talking people out of walking off a ledge!
So when we chop it up on topics tough as suicide,
These are the people that I pick to advertise!
Let's give this guy's life some shine, am I right?
It's five years now; that means he's dope since he was nine!
He's not just amazing; he's super amazing!
Like something from a parent's daydream!
(...)
Brandon's just good branding! The modern man's expanding,
And this is the new image we're demanding!
