History ShaggyDogStory / Jokes

* There's this: A guy goes to the doctor because of a stomach ache, and the doctor gives him some pills, and warns him of the side effect, headaches, so he gives him tablets for headaches, but these would give him a sore throat, so he gives him a syrup for a sore throat, and lastly warns him of the syrup's side effect: Stomach ache.

** In another variation, he is the Viper, and [[spoiler: he has come to vipe the vindows.]]

** "So, I got her all the wrong stuff?" [[DoubleSubversion "Nah, Amy's just a big ol' lesbo!"]]

* There once was a knight dressed in black and white garb, riding a black and white horse. He decided to get married to a princess and therefore approached the king to ask him for his daughter's hand. But before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was let to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "No." The king said: "You cannot marry my daughter without a castle of your own!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, left the castle and spent some years amassing the wealth needed for building a castle. Then, he re-approached the king's castle. Again, before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "Yes!" the king then said: "Get lost, all my daughters are married already."

** A variation of this has pink ping-pong balls rather than green golf balls, has the balls being gifted as the result of progressively impressive achievements achievements, has the number of balls grown exponentially rather than linearly, and has the boy/man be hit by a car at the end as he was never terminally ill.

* One night a bunch of teenagers were having a party while their parents were out. It got stormy and the power went out. The phone rang and one of the teenagers picked it up. The voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only ten miles away." The kids got freaked out, but decided it must be a prank caller, and tried to call their parents but none of them would pick up. After a while the phone rang and the kids were a little scared to pick it up, but they thought it might be some of the parents. A boy picked it up and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 7 miles away." the kids were getting scared, but thought it was still the prank caller, and tried calling parents again, but none of them would pick up. Soon the phone rang again and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 5 miles away." By this time they were starting to think it might not be a prank caller, because a prank caller would have gave up by now. Soon the phone rang again and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 3 miles away." By this point some of the kids hid in the basement. Soon the phone rang again and they were really scared to answer, but a brave boy picked it up and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 1 mile away." Soon all the kids were hiding in the basement and there was a knock on the door. They didn't want to answer it and the person kept knocking for a long time. Soon they decided it might be someone's parents, so they went upstairs and opened the door. The man at the door said "I am the Bloody Finger, [[spoiler: can I get a band-aid?]]

* A girl is handed a note by a handsome stranger, but it's in Korean. She calls her friends and asks them if they understand Korean, to which they reply no. She then calls her siblings and asks them the same thing, to which they reply no as well. She then calls her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, [[UpToEleven second-cousins, and third cousins, and every last one of them says 'no.']] Finally, she calls her fourth cousin, and he tells her he can understand Korean. So, she drives over to his house and hands him the note. When he tells her he can't read it, she chastises him and says he told her he could over the phone. "I can ''understand'' it, lady. [[ExactWords I just can't read it!"]]

* Jokes such as the 'Banana And A Piece Of String' joke do this. In this tale a landlord is plagued by a leprechaun who, each evening prevails upon him to lend the leprechaun a half (then a quarter, then an eighth and so on, this joke can and has gone on for over an hour) of a banana and a piece of string. Each night, an explosion occurs in the room given to the leprechaun, increasing in violence as the quantity of banana decreases, beginning with a mere ruffling of the bedclothes and ending in the complete destruction of the inn. Finally, with his inn utterly destroyed the landlord begs to know what the leprechaun has done and the leprechaun at last agrees to tell him but only on the condition that the landlord never tells anyone the secret.
** And to this day he never has.
* 'Jimmy and the Little Purple Grapes'. Jimmy convinces his mother to let him pack his own lunchbox, and he chooses to take little purple grapes with him. Throughout the rest of the joke, which takes about five minutes (or until the person telling the joke gets bored), every person who hears the phrase "little purple grapes" from Jimmy becomes enraged and gives him an increasingly harsh punishment. At the end of the joke, Jimmy has been beaten up, expelled, disowned, and put in jail because of that one phrase. His cellmate offers to tell him the reason people become so angry if Jimmy will sneak out of jail and get him some cigarettes. This joke is also known by "purple flowers," "purple spaghetti," "purple ferret," or "purple passion," but the only real difference is the beginning of the story (Purple passion where Jimmy sneaks out to be with his girlfriend, and he randomly gives his teacher this excuse, the "purple spaghetti" variant has many, many different introductions. The joke follows from there).

** In one variation, nothing is purple, and the “phrase” is just the word “strawberries”. In this variation, the “aw” in strawberries is elongated when spoken.

* So there’s a farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.” So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.” Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.” “No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.” “Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.” So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.” So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.” Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.” “Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.” So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.” Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.” So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.” “Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.” “Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.” So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.” So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.” Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.” So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?

* 'Jimmy and the Little Purple Grapes'. Jimmy convinces his mother to let him pack his own lunchbox, and he chooses to take little purple grapes with him. Throughout the rest of the joke, which takes about five minutes (or until the person telling the joke gets bored), every person who hears the phrase "little purple grapes" from Jimmy becomes enraged and gives him an increasingly harsh punishment. At the end of the joke, Jimmy has been beaten up, expelled, disowned, and put in jail because of that one phrase. His cellmate offers to tell him the reason people become so angry if Jimmy will sneak out of jail and get him some cigarettes. This joke is also known by "purple flowers," "purple spaghetti" or "purple passion," but the only real difference is the beginning of the story (Purple passion where Jimmy sneaks out to be with his girlfriend, and he randomly gives his teacher this excuse, the "purple spaghetti" variant has many, many different introductions. The joke follows from there).

*** In some versions, Jimmy is killed by other means, (sheriff or homeless man), and the story goes on from there: Jimmy ends up in Heaven, where St. Peter greets him. Jimmy asks him what the phrase means, and in response St. Peter sends Jimmy to Hell. There, he meets Satan himself. Since there's nothing worse that can happen to him now, he asks Satan what the phrase means. And Satan just laughs and tells him that it's a very long joke with no other purpose than to waste your time.
*** A possible explanation: “purple (whatever)”, in the local language/slang, translates to [[spoiler:[[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game) The Game]]. [[MemeticMutation Which you just lost]]]]. No wonder everyone got pissed at the boy.
*** In one variation, nothing is purple, and the “phrase” is just the word “strawberries”. In this variation, the “aw” in strawberries is elongated when spoken.

* A tourist is lost in the middle of a ThirstyDesert and after crawling around for several days, comes across a veiled bedouin walking towards him. "Water, water!" the tourist asks, only for the bedouin to respond with, "I'm terribly sorry sir, I do not have water to spare, would you like to keep this beautiful tie instead? I have a spare." Thinking the bedouin is out of his mind, the tourist dismisses the tie and keeps on crawling until a distance ahead, he comes across another bedouin, this time on a camel. "Water, water!" the toursit begs, but once more, the bedouin on a camel replied, "Sorry sir, I'm afraid I don't have enough water to spare, but you can have this beautiful tie instead." So the tourist turns him down and keeps moving, and a distance ahead, comes a caravan. '''Again''', when the tourist asks, "Water, water!" the caravan's owner responds with, "I don't have extra water, but there is a surplus of extra ties in our cart, we can give you a few for free." (The joke-teller is free to drag it out as long as he desires -- say, the tourist then comes across a tour bus, a limo, etc. ALL who responds the tourist's demand for water with, "Sorry sir, we don't have extra water, but we have a free tie you can keep..." which the tourist turns down, thinking everyone's out of their ''goddamn'' minds)... and after a while, the tourist then comes across, what'dya know, a '''Five-Star Restaurant''' in the middle of the desert, with a sign proudly proclaiming, "'''FREE WATER'''". But upon making his way in, the tourist is blocked by the doorman. "Sorry sir, but according to our dress code, we reserve the rights to deny entry to customers ''without'' a tie."

** "So, I got her all the wrong stuff?" [[DoubleSubversion "Nah, Amy's just a big ol' lesbo!"]]

* There once was a knight dressed in black and white garb, riding a black and white horse. He decided to get married to a princess and therefore approached the king to ask him for his daughter's hand. But before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was let to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "No." The king said: "You cannot marry my daughter without a castle of your own!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, left the castle and spent some years amassing the wealth needed for building a castle. Then, he re-approached the king's castle. Again, before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "Yes!" the king then said: "Get lost, all my daughters are married already."

** But unfortunately, we can't write what it is, because not everyone on this website is a monk. [[note]][[ComicallyMissingThePoint Wait... wouldn't the last monk be 126 at the end?]][[/note]]

** The moral of the story: Red bikes are faster than blue bikes.

* A girl is handed a note by a handsome stranger, but it's in Korean. She calls her friends and asks them if they understand Korean, to which they reply 'no.' She then calls her siblings if hey understand Korean, to which they reply 'no' as well. She then calls her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, [[UpToEleven cousins, second-cousins, and third cousins, and every last one of them says 'no.']] Finally, she calls her fourth cousin, and he tells her he can understand Korean. So, she drives over to his house and hands him the note. When he tells her he can't read it, she chastises him and says he told her he could over the phone. "I can ''understand'' it, lady. [[ExactWords I just can't read it!"]]
* A world famous conductor, a marvelous conductor, has decided that he's finally had enough, and he's going to retire. He announced his final performance, and as always, the theatre is completely packed. The performance is amazing, and he decides it's a fitting farewell. He leaves after the performance, but is approached by a group of large, intimidating men. They tell him that he can't quit now, he's just too good, and if he retires, they're going to break his legs. Frightened by the threat, he tries to figure a way out of it. He announces another performance. Again, the theatre is packed, and the performance is marvelous...but at the end, he whips out a pistol and shoots a violinist in the head, killing him instantly. He's arrested and brought before a judge, who asks "How do you plead?". He says "I'm guilty, everyone saw me do it." The judge replies, "Then I have no choice but to sentence you to death by electric chair." Before he's brought to the chair, he's asked for his last meal, and he requests a dozen bananas on a silver platter. He's led to the chair, strapped in, and the machine turned on. It looks like he's dead, but as they're unstrapping him, he twitches a bit, before appearing to come back to life. The executioner says "It is a sign from God to set you free! You may go." This process is repeated several times, each time he commits a bigger crime (bringing out a flamethrower and torching his entire orchestra, throwing a grenade into the audience), going into more detail about his prison stay (his cellmate, the condition of the cell), increasing the amount of power given to the chair (much longer than usual, then enough to short out the entire prison building), and the appearance of the man's death lasting longer (he comes back to life when being taken out of the prison, then scratches are heard from inside his coffin). The last time, the minister giving his eulogy opens his coffin after hearing the scratches and out pops the man, good as new. "How do you keep doing this?" the minister asks. "This is incredible!" To which the man replies: "Didn't you hear? I'm a bad conductor."

* The lion and the elephant are arguing over who's really King of the Jungle; the lion says he's traditionally King, therefore he should be King, but the elephant argues he's stronger, so he should be King. Eventually, they decide to have a football game to settle the matter, and they pick other animals to be on their team. The elephant picks, among others, the rhinoceros because he's big and strong and tough to tackle, while the lion picks, among others, the donkey, because he can kick the ball far with his hind legs. The elephant's team wins the toss and elects to receive. The lion tells the donkey, "Just kick it as high and as far as you can. Oh, and don't kick it to the rhinoceros; he's good." The donkey promises not to kick it to the rhinoceros. The donkey then kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros, who runs it back for a touchdown. The lion's team is able to drive back and tie the score, since he has a good team. The lion tells the donkey, "Listen, that was a mistake, and I'll let it go, but don't kick it to the rhinoceros." The donkey says he won't. Once again, he kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros, who runs it back for a touchdown again. Once again, the lion's team is able to drive back and tie the score. Dissolve to the 4th quarter. The score is tied. It's being going like this the whole game. The lion is so angry right now steam is coming out of his ears, and says to the donkey, "Listen, if you kick it to the rhinoceros one more time, I'm going to have you for dinner tonight." The donkey says he won't. Once again, he kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros. The rhinoceros has it at the 40, the 30, the 20, and he's got no one to stop him, when all of a sudden, he trips and fumbles. The lion's team recovers, and has a chance to win the game. The lion looks around to see what caused the rhinoceros to trip, and that's when he notices the centipede. "Centipede, is that you?" "Yes." "Nice tackle." "Thanks." "Where have you been?" "In the locker room." "The locker room?!? What the hell have you been doing all this time in the locker room?" [[spoiler: "Tying my shoes."]]
* A man who liked travelling once went to Africa. While exploring the picturesque landscape, he saw a roaring elephant. The man went closer and saw a spear stuck in the elephant's leg. The man felt pity for the poor animal, pulled the spear out and bandaged the wound with his own shirt. Many years had passed since then. The man was going for a walk in his home town and saw a poster which said that a circus famous for its trained elephants was coming to the town. The man, interested, decided to go to the show. During the performance on of the elephants suddenly broke the fence surrounding the cirque, ran towards the man, grabbed him with his trunk and smashed him against the floor. [[spoiler: It wasn't the same elephant.]]
* Billy lived in a boring little town, the only attraction being a run-down old zoo with nothing but run-of-the-mill farm animals. One day, when passing by the zoo, he spots a huge, shiny, brand new enclosure. Running towards it he discovers it houses a bright purple gorilla. The zookeeper sees him admiring it, and he tells him, "Ah, this is the Pan-Pan Fandango Gorilla. Imported him for Nicaragua only this weekend. He's a great animal, and very intelligent: cleans his own enclosure, builds his own shelters, sometimes I think I see him reading the signs! He's really friendly too, you can wave at him and he'll wave back, he plays ball with visitors. Amazing creature. Just one thing - don't touch him." And the zookeeper walks off. Naturally intrigued, Billy sneaks towards the enclosure, and the bright purple gorilla walks up to him. Billy reaches out to touch, and the gorilla reaches back... But the zookeeper arrives and shouts, "What did I tell you! No touching!" and chases him out of the zoo. Billy comes back late that night while the zookeeper's asleep, and finds the purple gorilla just sitting there in the cage, waiting for him. They reach out, and finally touch, and the gorilla lets out a huge roar, suddenly ferocious. Billy runs in terror, but the gorilla leaps out of the enclosure and gives chase. Now, here's where the really long part comes - essentially, the joker describes a round-the-world trip, the gorilla chasing Billy. Maybe he gets on a plane, only to see the purple gorilla piloting a biplane after him. Perhaps he hides in a cave and speaks to friendly animals, but the purple gorilla brings his own animal friends and the boy only just escapes. Maybe they go to China and battle ninjas on the Great Wall. Anyway, eventually they reach some suitably climactic dead end - Billy's stuck on a rock jutting over Niagara Falls as the immense and angry purple gorilla closes in, maybe they make it back to Billy's hometown where he falls into the enclosure, maybe they make it to the very edge of the universe and the final confrontation happens on a space station. The purple gorilla finally closes in, and this time Billy cannot see any way out. The purple gorilla closes in, eyes ablaze, [[spoiler: taps him lightly on the arm and shouts, "Tag! You're it!"]]

** But unfortunately, we can't write what it is, because not everyone on this website is a monk.

** The moral of the story: Red bikes are faster than blue bikes. [[note]][[ComicallyMissingThePoint Wait... wouldn't the last monk be 126 at the end?]][[/note]]

* Bob worked at a soda bottling plant. One day, Bob decided that there should be new markets for soda. So he packed up what he thought we would be the best selling product -- Fresca -- and set sail for Africa to try and sell it. Just before he left, he said to his trusted friend Steve, “If I do not return from Africa in six months, I want you to come search for me.” So Bob sailed off to Africa with lots and lots of Fresca. Six months came and went, and Steve did not hear from Bob. The six months turned to seven, then eight, and finally a whole year went by without a single message from Bob. So Steve packed his own boat and sailed off to Africa. The trip was a long one. Just as Steve arrived to shore, he spotted a fisherman along the coast with a rod and reel in one hand, and a can of Fresca in the other! So Steve asked the fisherman if he had seen Bob. The fisherman replied “Yes I did. And boy, is he a good salesman. Fish tastes good with Fresca.” Steve then proceeded along a trail that led into the woods. About a day later Steve encountered some large bird hunters. They would alternately shoot their rifles into the air, and take a swig of Fresca. Steve asked if they had seen Bob. The hunters answered that they had, and that “birds taste good with Fresca”. Steve continued on, alternating between woods and plains, and finally a savanna. At that point, he encountered a steel trap on the ground but got away just in time. But the trap was sprung anyway, alarming a group of gazelle trappers hiding behind a nearby hedge. When they saw that it was just a person they were mildly disappointed it wasn’t their usual prey, but they chatted for a while. Steve asked them, how in the world does one eat gazelle meat. They answered, “why, with Fresca of course.” Steve was puzzled for a moment before they continued with “Gazelle tastes good with Fresca.” Relieved to know that he was on the right path, Steve continued on his way. After another couple days, Steve was well into the jungle when he spotted a group of bushmen, complete with tribal bones in their faces, ceremonial body paint, spears in hand, along with, quite out of character, bright green cans of Fresca carried on wooden platforms between pairs of men. Steve carefully approached, but the bushmen were friendly and said “berries taste good with Fresca”. So Steve continued on through the jungle. (Steve keeps encountering different groups of native tribes, missionaries, explorers, etc. all of whom met Bob and all of whom think stuff tastes good with Fresca) After three days, and about to give up hope, Steve came to a primitive tribal village, complete with mud huts like you see on TV. But unlike the Tarzan movies, these huts had stacks of cases of Fresca all around. Upon hearing a horn-like sound, Steve was suddenly approached by the tribe’s leader, with nearly all of the village behind him.
-->'''Steve''': Have you seen Bob?
-->'''Tribal Leader''': Yes. He a good man.
-->'''Steve''': Oh, you mean a good salesman? He sold you all this Fresca?
-->'''Leader''': He a good man.
-->'''Steve''': How was he a good man?
-->'''Leader''': He taste great!
-->'''Steve''': (with a mixture of surprise and horror, as he noticed the huge metal cauldron perched on wooden sticks) You mean you ate Bob?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Bob taste good with Fresca. (as the rest of the villagers nod and make approving sounds)
-->'''Steve''': You mean you ate his... nose?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Nose taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You... you ate his... eyes?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Eyes taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You...you ate his... ears?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Ears taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You ate his... arms?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Arms taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You ate his... legs?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Legs taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You ate his... lungs?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Lungs taste good with Fresca.
-->'''Steve''': You ate his... heart?
-->'''Leader''': Yes. Heart taste good with Fresca.
-->(etc. etc. etc.)
-->'''Steve''': Uh... wait a minute. Wait one minute. You don’t mean to tell me you, you ate his...., you know, his, uh, THING?
-->'''Leader''': Yes.
-->'''Steve''': (pauses a few seconds) You ate his, THING with Fresca?
-->'''Leader''': No.
-->'''Steve''': Huh? But I thought...
-->'''Leader''': No eat THING with Fresca. [[spoiler: “Things” go better with Coke. (Note: for younger readers, that was an advertising jingle for Coca-Cola in the 1960s.)]]

** "So, I got her all the wrong stuff?" [[DoubleSubversion "Nah, Amy's just a big ol' lesbo!"]]
* A New Yorker named Kevin worked for the Central Park Zoo, the Bronx Zoo, and the Prospect Park Zoo. He caught strange and exotic animals for these zoos. The day after he officially retired, Kevin got a call from the Central Park Zoo. "We know you retired yesterday," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a short-necked giraffe!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, the legendary king of the apes. He was painting black stripes on a white zebra. "Do you know where there are any short-necked giraffes?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed to his left, and there was a whole herd of short-necked giraffes. Three days later, Kevin got a call from the Bronx Zoo. "We know you retired four days ago," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a hornless rhino!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, painting white stripes on a black zebra. "Do you know where there are any hornless rhinos?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed straight ahead, and there was a whole herd of hornless rhinos. Three days later, Kevin got another call, but it turned out to be the wrong number. Three days later, Kevin got a call from the Prospect Park Zoo. "We know you retired ten days ago," they said, "but we need to send you to Africa to fetch us a trunkless elephant!" When Kevin arrived in Africa, who should he see but Tarzan, painting black and white stripes on a transparent zebra. "Do you know where there are any trunkless elephants?" asked Kevin. Tarzan pointed to his right, and there was a whole herd of trunkless elephants. Three days later, Kevin cut his phone line and never got any calls from any zoos again. [[spoiler:And the moral of the story is, Tarzan stripes forever.]]

** "So, I got her all the wrong stuff?" [[DoubleSubversion "Nah, Amy's just a big ol' lesbo!"]]

*** A possible explanation: “purple (whatever)”, in the local language, translates to [[spoiler:[[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game) The Game]]. [[MemeticMutation Which you just lost]]]]. No wonder everyone got pissed at the boy.

*** A possible explanation: “purple (whatever)”, in the local language, translates to [[spoiler:[[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game) The Game]]. [[MemeticMutation Which you just lost]]]].

* Nate and the Lever is a story that can take very long amounts of time when done right. A popular example of it is hosted [[http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ here]]. A shorter version: One night a man was driving along an old country road in his beat up old car. He was a decent man, though no where near rich and barely able to keep one month's rent in savings. The car was more rust than anything and he was afraid to have it washed and buffed, not that he could afford to, because the rust might have been the only thing holding the beat up pieces together. The car broke down on a particularly deserted stretch of the road. The man called for a friend to pick him up because he could not afford to be towed. He figured he could come back out with a mechanic he knew the next day when it was light out. While waiting for his friend, he heard a gravely voice "Tough luck pal."\\
The man looked around. There was nothing but darkness in any direction, nothing but darkness and what looked to be a branch sticking from the ground. "Down here." The voice said. The man looked down and saw a green snake at his feet. He jumped back and landed on his rear in the dust.\\
"Relax friend. Just making conversation." The snake said. "My name's Nate."\\
The man sat up and pulled himself to his feet. "Andrew." He replied, edging closer to the snake. "I can't believe it. Are you really talking?"\\
"Of course." The snake said, slithering closer. "And glad to have a reason too. It gets boring out here."\\
"What are you doing out here" Andrew asked.\\
"Have to guard that lever. Its the lever that can end the world. Though, there isn't a whole lot to guarding it and people rarely come through here, and never stop. Well, except for you of course."\\
Andrew shook his head, still not convinced this was really happening. But there was nothing to suggest it was anything less than real. "Have you thought about leaving? I mean, could someone else guard the lever?"\\
Nate curled into a ball and tilted his narrow head. "I have thought about leaving. Just for a while. But I have no guide."\\
"I could take you." Andrew replied.\\
So when Andrew's friend arrived, Nate left with them. One of the first acts upon introducing Nate to the world, they had a road closed sign put up on the road going by the lever. After that, Nate toured the country and then the world with Andrew. Andrew's money troubles ended with a talking snake in his company and the man who had once been two paychecks away from facing possible eviction and driving a rust heap that barely ran became an international star and was given more money then he had ever imagined for interviews and speaking engagements.\\
Nate was more than happy to accompany Andrew and the two of them became good friends, with Nate happy to help enrich the man who showed him the world and Andrew never pushing Nate into exposure the snake did not want. After a few months though, Nate became anxious and decided it was time he go back to the lever. He argued that it would only be a matter of time before someone ignored the sign and ended up near the lever.\\
A year or so after Nate went back to guarding the lever, Andrew decided to drive out and see his old friend, the one responsible for his wealth and comfort and his travels. Nate's chauffeur drove him out to the desert, and cut down the road that was barely a road. When he rounded the bend to where Nate was, he over turned due to avoiding a coyote in the road. As a result, he skidded towards where Nate and the lever where. Andrew was hurt in the accident and blacked out for a few minutes.\\
When he came too, the driver and a paramedic were standing over him.\\
"How is everything?" Andrew asked, his mind slowly becoming less groggy.\\
"Everyone is okay, you'll be fine after a night in the hospital." The paramedic responded.\\
"There is some bad news though." The driver said. "I hit Nate. He didn't make it."\\
Andrew hung his head. He felt bad for the little snake that had done its duty and only wished to see the world a little. He sighed, remembering the good times they had shared. Then, remembering Nate's refusal to stay gone for too long and eagerness to return to his post, he said "Oh well, if something had to be hit, better Nate than lever."