History Main / MillsAndBoonProse

* The one and (thankfully) only sex scene in ''Vurt'' by Jeff Noon is described entirely in a metaphor of a garden getting filled with sap. The best that can be said of it is that it's short.

* Also parodied in ''[[NakedGun The Naked Gun 2½]]'':

This is becoming rare in real romances, which are beginning to eschew floweriness for harder-edged (and sometimes downright vulgar) prose. However, Mills and Boon Prose lives on in parodies, often used to invoke InnocentInnuendo. It also occurs in {{fictional document}}s as a form of StylisticSuck. Can involve YouFailSexEdForever.

* This is the favoured writing style of [[GarthMarenghisDarkplace Garth Marenghi and Dean Learner]]:

* An early episode of ''{{Friends}}'' has Rachel attempt to write some ("Do you think his 'love stick' can be liberated from it's 'denim prison'?"), inspired by Chandler's mother, who writes them professionally. [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar Luckily for the broadcasters]], she's a [[RougeAnglesOfSatin terrible speller]] so the others can openly mock her typos; the female character is apparently in possession of "heaving beasts", while the man at one point whips out his "huge throbbing pens".

** I don't think anything on that site reaches such heights of pretentious hilarity as the one guy [[http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/376747.html#cutid1 referencing Ovid while taking advantage of a peach]]. Purple sex at its [[strike:best]] [[strike:worst]] [[SoBadItsGood best]].

* Any nominee or winner of the [[http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsex.html Bad Sex in Fiction Award]]. A TalksLikeASimile passage always amuses this troper. ("Now her grubby soles met like they were praying. Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat. Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.")

* ''{{Twilight}}''.

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* An early episode of ''{{Friends}}'' has Rachel attempt to write some. [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar Luckily for the broadcasters]], she's a [[RougeAnglesOfSatin terrible speller]] so the others can openly mock her typos; the female character is apparently in possession of "heaving beasts", while the man at one point whips out his "huge throbbing pens".

-->"She had a need to feel the thunder
To chase the lightning from the sky
To watch a storm with all its wonder
Raging in her lover's eyes
She had to ride the heat of passion
Like a comet burning bright
Rushing headlong in the wind
Out where only dreams have been
Burning both ends of the night."

"She had a need to feel the thunder

* ''TheFountainhead''. Specifically, the "rape" scene.

The traditional way of handling sex in a {{romance novel}}; {{purple|Prose}} to IKEAErotica's {{beige|Prose}}. Physical actions and sensations are conveyed via (at best) vague euphemisms or (at worst) overblown ([[HehHehYouSaidX heh heh]]) metaphors -- while emotions are described in excessive, abstract detail. Often one suspects that the writer wishes ''he or she'' were participating in the scene. A sure sign that you've got one of these is when abstract nouns are used to refer to genitalia.

This is becoming rare in real romances, which are beginning to eschew floweriness for harder-edged (and sometimes downright vulgar) prose. However, Mills and Boon Prose lives on in parodies, often used to invoke InnocentInnuendo (as in the page quote). It also occurs in {{fictional document}}s as a form of StylisticSuck. Can involve YouFailSexEdForever.

-->"As Sabrina gazed upward at Baron [=LeGume=], whose dark, brooding eyeballs were turgid with passion, she felt the tormented tenseness of his throbbing, pulsating malehood, and she knew, with a knowledge borne of knowing, that she could no longer hold back the surging waves of passion that washed over her, like waves of something, as his brooding throbbing pulsating highly engorged lips sought hers, not that she wanted to hold them back, we?re talking about the waves of passion here, although she knew that somehow, somewhere, perhaps deep within the shuddering throes of yearninghood that even now gripped the very core of her womanhood, if you get what we mean, that she must find a way, through the hazy mists of desire, to end this sentence, although she sensed somehow that..."

-->''Overcome with his intense passion, Drake manfully thrust hard with his throbbing equipment, again and again, oblivious to the inevitable consequences of his actions and reveling in the sensual pleasure of using his electric toothbrush in a simple to and fro motion rather than brushing in small circles as his dentist had advised, and hoping that Cecelia would appreciate his minty fresh breath over dinner later that evening more than the damage he was doing to his enamel.''
-->--[[IrregularWebcomic Irregular Podcast! #13]], "The Complete Works of Western Literature"

The traditional way of handling sex in a {{romance novel}}; [[PurpleProse purple]] to IKEAErotica's [[BeigeProse beige]]. Physical actions and sensations are conveyed via (at best) vague euphemisms or (at worst) overblown ([[HehHehYouSaidX heh heh]]) metaphors -- while emotions are described in excessive, abstract detail. Often one suspects that the writer wishes ''he or she'' were participating in the scene. A sure sign that you've got one of these is when abstract nouns are used to refer to genitalia.

Popularly associated with, but not limited to, sex scenes. Any interaction between the main characters is fair game for this sort of emotionally charged description.

This is becoming rare in real romances, which are beginning to eschew floweriness for harder-edged (and sometimes downright vulgar) prose. However, MillsAndBoonProse lives on in parodies, often used to invoke InnocentInnuendo (as in the page quote). It also occurs in {{Fictional Document}}s as a form of StylisticSuck. Can involve YouFailSexEdForever.

* FanFic/{{Stray}} uses a variation of this. There are no throbbing manhoods or heaving bosoms, but the first sex scene includes at least two separate extended metaphors for the POV character's emotional state.
--> "From the towers where they hid in the most heavily fortified territory of Adamska's heart, overlooking the waterfall that fed into its own source, the last loyalists to the old aristocracy said to hell with it, threw down the torches, unbarred the doors, and ran outside to join the party."
** ''FanFic/SpacedustAndChaosARequiem''. There's shagging going on but [[PurpleProse it's kind of hard to tell.]]

* Also parodied in ''TheNakedGun 2 1/2'':
--> "His strong manly hands probed every crevice of her silken femininity, their undulating bodies writhing in sensual rhythm, as he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding."

* Any nominee or winner of the [[http://www.literaryreview.co.uk/badsex.html Bad Sex in Fiction Award]]. A TalksLikeASimile passage always amuses this troper ("Now her grubby soles met like they were praying. Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat. Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll.").

* {{Nasuverse}} sex scenes are commonly a mild form of this (more so in ''{{Tsukihime}}'' than the later ''FateStayNight''). Oddly, they're also written in first-person perspective...

[[folder:Webcomics]]

* A fair amount of this, and plenty of other kinds of pornfail, shows up on [[http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/ weepingcock]]. An unofficial community motto is "there's a cream for that."
** I don't think anything on that site reaches such heights of pretentious hilarity as the one guy [[http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/376747.html#cutid1 referencing Ovid while taking advantage of a peach.]] Purple sex at its [[strike: best]] [[strike: worst]] [[SoBadItsGood best]].

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