History Main / IfIWantedXIWouldY

* A deleted scene in ''Film/{{Who Framed Roger Rabbit}}'', after Eddie Valiant is caught snooping in the Ink and Paint Cub, and [[FemmeFatale Jessica Rabbit]] assumes he was staging a solo panty raid:

* From ''Just Hold Me'' by Maria Mena

* Discussed in the ''Website/JargonFile'', beginning with the [[http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/I/If-you-want-X--you-know-where-to-find-it-.html example]] "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it."
-->

[[folder:Comics]]
* One ''Series/RedDwarf'' comic strip has them listening to an ApocalypticLog InTheStyleOf ''Literature/TheCanterburyTales''. Rimmer's criticism sounds like it's going to be one of these, but [[SubvertedTrope subverts]] it.
-->'''Rimmer''': I don't want to sound like a wet blanket, Lister, but if I wanted to attend an amateur poetry reading, I'd be mad.

-->'''Faith:''' No one gives a squirt of piss what you think, Trollbridge. You're nothing but a Wizengamot lackey. When we wanna know what you think...we'll owl ''them''.

--> '''The author''': "If I liked writing pages and pages of exposition about technological minutiae of no relevance to the actual plot I'd get a job ghostwriting for Creator/CliveCussler."

-->But if I wanted silence I would whisper
-->And if I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go
-->And if I liked rejection I'd audition
-->And if I didn't love you, you would know

[[folder:Newspaper Comics]]
* ''ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes'', where Calvin explains why he does not like organized sports:
-->"I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the Army and at least get paid."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Stand-Up Comedy]]
* Creator/LewisBlack on the tax code:
-->"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read ''Literature/WarAndPeace'' four times."
* Doug Stanhope mocked MoralGuardians this way:
-->‘If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina.’ [''{{Beat}}'']
[[/folder]]

-->"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have told you what it was."
-->—Pemmin, Riptide survivor

[[folder:Web Original]]
* A MadLibsCatchPhrase of ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob''. Subverted once when he realized he didn't like even the other thing.
* ''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic'', in his review of ''Film/TheodoreRex'':
--> '''Nostalgia Critic''': Oh please, if I wanted to watch Whoopi Goldberg interact with dinosaurs, I'd watch "The View".

* ''WebVideo/VisionOfEscaflowneAbridged''
-->'''Van:''' If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched...\\
List of series flashed rapidly: ''Anime/WolfsRain'', ''VideoGame/{{Gungrave}}'', ''[[Anime/GhostInTheShellStandAloneComplex GitS: SAC]]'', ''Anime/ParanoiaAgent'', ''Manga/{{Mushishi}}'', ''Anime/BoogiepopPhantom'', ''[[OddNameOut Hi, Mom!]]'', ''Anime/SerialExperimentsLain'', [[BreadEggsMilkSquick squirrels do it]], ''Anime/SamuraiSeven'', ''Anime/TheSoulTaker'', ''Anime/CasshernSins'', ''LightNovel/KinosJourney''\\
'''Van:''' ''Anime/WitchHunterRobin''.
* Discussed in the ''JargonFile'', beginning with the [[http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/I/If-you-want-X--you-know-where-to-find-it-.html example]] "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it."
-->
* ''ToothpasteForDinner'', on [[http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=011912 foreign films]]: "If I wanted to read while people were speaking another language, I'd bring a book to the chinese restaurant"

[[folder:Webcomics]]

-->If I wanted to ''wear'' my dinner, I'd have gone to Mr. Messy's.

Compare XCalledTheyWantTheirYBack, ILikeMyXLikeILikeMyY.

* In the ''WesternAnimation/DuckTales'' episode "[[Recap/DuckTalesS1E4WhereNoDuckHasGoneBefore Where No Duck Has Gone Before]]", when Launchpad inadvertently dumps himself into outer space and sees the Earth far below him, he exclaims, "If I wanted to see the world, I would have joined the Navy!"

* ''TheMrMenShow'': Often done by Mr. Grumpy.

-->-- '''Neal Page''', ''PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles''

* From ''PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles'':

* ''Webcomic/SchlockMercenary'': When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you

* ''RealTimeWithBillMaher''

* In one episode of ''{{Friends}}'', Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).

-->'''Yahtzee:''' If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''EVEOnline''.

* Discussed in the ''JargonFile'', beginning with the [[http://www.cosman246.com/jargon.html#If%20you%20want%20X%20you%20know%20where%20to%20find%20it%2e example]] "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it."

-->"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read ''WarAndPeace'' four times."

* The ''MagicTheGathering'' card Stifle has flavour text:

--->'''Director''': If I wanted this kind of abuse,I'd be directing the ''[[{{Roseanne}} Roseanne Barr]]'' show.

* ''TheGoldenGirls'' when Dorothy is working on a kids' show.

-->'''Dabney:''' If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.\\

* Joke aimed at websites that start playing sound on being loaded, rather than waiting for you to hit a control indicating you ''want'' to hear the sound: "If I had wanted your website to make noise, I would have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor."

* ''FanFic/CinemaSnobReviewsFrozen'' (a fan comic where ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob'' reviews ''{{Disney/Frozen}}'') does this, being true to the Snob's style of jokes. When talking about Hans, Snob says he'll "take real bland pretty boys, like Gayracula, thank you very much".

* ''{{Firefly}}'', "Objects in Space":