History Literature / TheEyeOfArgon

* TheCaligula: Agaphim is a cruel, hedonistic, thin-skinned sadist who responds to his people complaining about his oppressive taxes is to ''tax them even more heavily'', apparently for no other reason than sheer cruelty.

* TheCaligula: Agaphim.

-->'''Agaphim''': ''Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out...''

* ImprovisedWeapon: Grignr stabs a guard with the sharpened pelvic bone of a rat.

* StrawFeminist: Zigzagged. While there is a lot more agency for the women of the story, Carthena is a lot more skilled and doesn't need to resort to the trite GroinAttack in this edition, female sexuality is still commodified, the physical attributes of the female characters are still lingered over, Carthena still needs Grïgnyr to rescue her, and the author goes on and on about Carthena's capability in a way that [[InformedAttribute comes across as rather contrived]]. However, Bottone was trying to write the story as faithful to Theis' intent, and Theis himself was trying to emulate the style of Robert E. Howard.

* AnAxeToGrind: While Grignr and the soldier characters [[HeroesPreferSwords favour swords]], the nobles carry [[BladeEnthusiast daggers]] and the "shamen" use [[SinisterScimitar scimitars]], the prison guards seem to be equipped with battleaxes. After slaughtering his guards, Grignr uses the "confisticated" axe of one of them as a weapon for the remainder of the story.

** The prison guards' gear includes huge, two-handed, double-headed [[AnAxeToGrind battleaxes]] (slow to swing and difficult to use effectively in the narrow confines of a tunnel) and half-length cloaks with no discernable purpose other than to give prisoners something to grab if they fight back.

* AnAxeToGrind: Grïgnyr kills [[spoiler:Agfand]] by hurling an axe at Broig, who's standing in front of him. [[spoiler:Broig ducks and the axe kills Agfand]].

->''"Grignr slipped his right hand to his thigh, concealing a small opague object beneath the folds of the g-string wrapped about his waist. Brine wells swelled in Grignr's cold , jade squinting eyes, which grown accustomed to the gloom of the stygian pools of ebony engulfing him, were bedazzled and blinded by flickerering radiance cast forth by the second soldiers's resin torch."''

** Given that the gene that produces Grignr's red hair also tends to produce fair skin with a tendency to burn and freckle rather than tan evenly (at least in Caucasians), it's rather surprising that Grignr's skin is "bronzed". Most people, let alone red-headed Europeans, would be somewhere between extremely uncomfortable and nearly dead after traveling across a desert in the blazing sun for at least an entire day wearing only a loincloth, a helmet and sandals, but Grignr suffers [[MadeOfIron no ill effects at all]]. Granted, [[DarkSkinnedRedhead combinations of red hair and dark skin]] ''can'' occur naturally in non-European or mixed-race populations, and some redheads can develop so many freckles as to ''appear'' tanned after extended sun exposure, but on balance it's unlikely that Theis was thinking about either of these.

* EvilOverlord / TheEvilPrince: Agaphim

* YouKeepUsingThatWord: Many instances, as Theis unintentionally proved a thesaurus is ''not'' a dictionary.
** Gringr is constantly described as wearing a g-string, with ''folds''; Carthena speaks "bustily", at another point her nose is said to be both "lithe" and "opaque".
** For whatever reason, Gringr is called a "slut" by male slavers. See UnusualEuphemism above.
** The phrase "one such as he", always in reference to Grignr -- at one point, two different characters say the phrase, then it comes up in the narration -- three instances within less than two hundred words.

* YouKeepUsingThatWord: A lot of characters seem to say "What is the meaning of this?"

* AccidentallyCorrectWriting: Possible case. Despite all the mockery of the term, there actually is such a thing as a scarlet emerald - it's another term for bixbite, or red beryl. It's not clear if that's what Theis was actually going for, though.

* {{Corpsing}}: A meta-example in the popular parlor game to see who can keep a straight face the longest while taking turns reading the story aloud. Just try it. [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption You will fail]].

* KnifeNut: Carthena's preferred weapon.

* AnAxeToGrind: While Grignr and the soldier characters [[HeroesPreferSwords favour swords]], the nobles carry [[KnifeNut daggers]] and the "shamen" use [[SinisterScimitar scimitars]], the prison guards seem to be equipped with battleaxes. After slaughtering his guards, Grignr uses the "confisticated" axe of one of them as a weapon for the remainder of the story.

* MoralDissonance: Grignr and Carthena both exhibit this in spades.

* HeroesWantRedheads: This may have been the author's intention; Grignr (himself a redhead) falls for Carthena, whose hair is apparently the color of orchids (more of a [[YouGottaHaveBlueHair bright pink]] than a red).

* YouGottaHaveBlueHair:
** Carthena's hair is constantly described as orchid-coloured -- hence, bright pink.
** For some reason, the "shamen" paint their scalps orange.

* AdaptationalDyeJob: In the case of Carthena, somehow zigzagged, providing a literal example but not changing her hair colour. While Theis probably made a mistake in making Carthena's hair orchid-coloured -- i.e., [[YouGottaHaveBlueHair bright pink]] -- in this version she is still orchid-haired, but it's explicitly stated that her hair has been dyed.

* AuthorVocabularyCalendar: Theis seems to be fond of the word "swiveled" - or, as he misspells it, "swilveled". Also "stygian," "oval," and "opaque".

* BloodLust: The sacrificial "alter" is sloped with a slit in the lowest corner, which stands above a pail with chalices arranged around it - presumably the "shamen" intend to drain and drink Carthena's blood as part of their ritual, but it's never explicitly stated.

* {{Fainting}}: One of the shamen [sic] faints for no reason, Carthena passes out quite a few times, but Grignr--despite losing a bathtub's-worth of blood and not eating for days on end--never faints.

* IdiotBall: Passed between the characters at blinding speed - just about any time any character opens their mouth, something stupid comes out. More or less everything negative in the story could have been avoided if Grignr didn't try to resolve all conflicts with [[DisproportionateRetribution murder]].

** "[[RougeAnglesOfSatin Cushoning]] their bare feet were plush red felt slippers" - if you wear footwear on your bare feet, then how are your feet bare?

* {{Kevlard}}: Averted with Agaphim, who's hugely fat but whom [[spoiler: Carthena kills anticlimactically.]]
* KillItWithFire: [[spoiler: Carthena burns Agaphim to death with a flaming torch]].

* LeeroyJenkins: Armed with an axe, Grignr charges headlong into a couple of dozen enemies with no plans whatsover.

* MockGuffin: [[spoiler: The Eye itself turns out to be a cursed object that turns into a leech-like monster that Grignr has to kill, making his detour to acquire it AllForNothing]].

* TheUnpronounceable: ''You'' try pronouncing "Grignr", "Agafnd" or "Mrifk". This gets particularly amusing when already consonant-heavy words lose their few vowels through typos - the aforementioned Agafnd becomes "Agfnd" at one point. One gets the impression that the author has an irrational dislike of vowels.

* YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe: "Sayeth the king" would be correct, except that it's the wrong tense - even then "saith" would be more common in most dialects of Early Modern English. Carthena starts out talking this way, and Grignr does too shortly thereafter, when up 'til that point, he only talked in vulgarities.

** Carthena's hair is constantly described as orchid-coloured - hence, bright pink.

** The phrase "one such as he", always in reference to Grignr - at one point, two different characters say the phrase, then it comes up in the narration - three instances within less than two hundred words.

* AdaptationalDyeJob: In the case of Carthena, somehow zigzagged, providing a literal example but not changing her hair colour. While Theis probably made a mistake in making Carthena's hair orchid-coloured - i.e., [[YouGottaHaveBlueHair bright pink]] - in this version she is still orchid-haired, but it's explicitly stated that her hair has been dyed.

* ArtisticLicenseBiology: The above situation with the desert trek is averted in this version - Grïgnyr becomes dehydrated and exhausted not long after he enters the desert and only escapes severe sunburn because his skin is covered in dye as a disguise.

* AnAxeToGrind: Grïgnyr kills [[spoiler: Agfand]] by hurling an axe at Broig, who's standing in front of him. [[spoiler: Broig ducks and the axe kills Agfand]].

** [[spoiler: Grïgnyr finally kills Agfand with a thrown axe which buries its blade into his chest.]]

* HeCleansUpNicely: After Agaphim [[spoiler: takes to exercising with Grïgnyr]], the whole court remarks on the improvement in his appearance.
* {{Hypocrite}}: Nowhere near as much as in the original, but in this version Grïgnyr claims to despise trickery and states he'd sooner die than live as a liar - but obtained the Eye of Argo''l'' by trickery himself.

* SchrodingersCast: Agfand dies twice - by design this time.

* BigBraToFill: While Carthena's bust size is not actually mentioned in this adaptation, she's much more athletic and the author avoids ranting about her "huge outcropping breasts" or "bulging bosom".

* StrawFeminist: Zigzagged. While there is a lot more agency for the women of the story, Carthena is a lot more skilled and doesn't need to resort to the trite GroinAttack in this edition, female sexuality is still commodified, the physical attributes of the female characters are still lingered over, Carthena still needs Grïgnyr to rescue her, and the author goes on and on about Carthena's capability in a way that [[InformedAttribute comes across as rather contrived]].

* YouKeepUsingThatWord:
** Many instances: Gringr is constantly described as wearing a g-string, with ''folds''; Carthena speaks "bustily", at another point her nose is said to be both "lithe" and "opaque".

* {{Gorn}}: Grignr takes a quarter of a chapter to decapitate a rat, and no gory detail is spared. Earlier, Grignr [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe bisects a man]] in equal detail.

* WhatsUpKingDude: The soldiers take Grignr straight to the city's prince Agaphim when he's arrested, despite the fact that a city of Gorzom's size and apparent wealth would presumably have a judiciary or at least a police force.

As reading it raw may cause brain damage, you can settle for [[https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc/CnNYan2bW00/dOAR7wTg5yEJ the MST'd version]] (by Creator/AdamCadre) which naturally calls out many of the tropes listed here, or this [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikM_Lh8Q0xo Dramatic Reading of Chapter One on YouTube]]. It also [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBc1aQeqZTQ got the treatment]] from ''LetsPlay/LetsDrownOut'', and a whole season of the podcast ''Podcast/ThreeHundredSeventyTwoPagesWellNeverGetBack'' reading through it from start to finish. [[WatchItStoned For those who are unable to read it sober,]] we have the DrinkingGame over [[DrinkingGame/TheEyeOfArgon here]]. An example of the game can be found [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBc1aQeqZTQ here]]. Geoff Bottone actually wrote a version of the story called ''[[https://www.amazon.com/Gr%C3%AFgnyr-Ecordian-Retelling-Eye-Argon-ebook/dp/B07PCX28JD Grïgnyr the Ecordian]]'', which aimed to make a compelling version of the story that Theis probably envisioned in his head.

* AuthorVocabularyCalendar: Theis seems to be fond of the word "swiveled" - or, as he misspells it, "swilveled". Also "stygian".
** Also "oval".
*** Also "opaque".

* MysticalJade: The cultists worship a huge jade statue of their god, Argon, with a "scarlet emerald" as the titular eye. It's unclear if the statue itself has mystical powers, or just the eye, though.

* AmusingInjuries: Double subverted when the head priest gets [[GroinAttack kicked in the nuts]]. Rather than saying something like "With a groan of pain, the priest crumpled to the ground, doubled up over his knees and clutching himself," Theis treats us to a long paragraph giving a blow-by-blow of the priest's bizarre reaction by body part. This is so over-the-top (such as the priest's knees wobbling "rapidly about for a few seconds", that it comes across like it's being played for comedy, but it's treated seriously in the narrative. However, the hyper-dramatic, [[PurpleProse exquisitely detailed]] prose makes the whole situation amusing to imagine.

* ZeroPercentApprovalRating: Agaphim only stays in power because he has such a [[TheHorde vast army]].

* ImmediateSelfContradiction: "[[RougeAnglesOfSatin Cushoning]] their bare feet were plush red felt slippers" - if you wear footwear on your bare feet, then how are your feet bare?

* HeCleansUpNicely: After Agaphim [[spoiler: takes to exercising with Grignr]], the whole court remarks on the improvement in his appearance.