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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458/slides/8 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children’s Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.

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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458/slides/8 com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children’s Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.reasons.
* [[https://www.theonion.com/celebrities-explain-how-they-are-helping-ukraine-1848695261 Celebrities Explain How They Are Helping Ukraine]] ranges from the apathetic (Creator/Bruce Willis attempts to find Ukraine on a globe daily) to the ridiculously helpful (Creator/JaredLeto has a personal stockpile of nuclear warheads which he offers to Zelensky).
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/californians-explain-why-they-left-for-texas-1848683458/slides/8 Californians Explain Why They Left For Texas]] include Pesticide and Children’s Toy Factory Owner Corey Melcher who moved to dodge regulations and engineer Douglas Fairbanks, who claimed to move states and change his name every three months for unknown reasons.
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* From the final [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltObzsDcmpY&list=PL4NL9i-Fu15jfDETSxUC-V8lojhlu2XXg&index=11 episode of Dr. Good]], the [[ArtificialHuman Perfect Human]] finally awakens and slaughters the entire audience, to dr. [[SignificantAnagram Tanas']] joy.

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* From the final [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltObzsDcmpY&list=PL4NL9i-Fu15jfDETSxUC-V8lojhlu2XXg&index=11 episode of Dr. Good]], the [[ArtificialHuman Perfect Human]] finally awakens and slaughters the entire audience, to dr.Dr. [[SignificantAnagram Tanas']] joy.
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* "[[https://www.theonion.com/8-year-old-obviously-packed-own-lunch-1819587366 Eight-Year-Old Obviously Packed Own Lunch.]]"
* "Trophy Wife Mounted."
* "[[https://www.theonion.com/man-dies-after-secret-4-year-battle-with-gorilla-1819571099 Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla]]" If the headline doesn't destroy you, the article will.
* "Roadkill Squirrel Remembered As Frantic, Indecisive."
* "Overhydrated Terrier Proud Owner Of Five City Blocks."
* "Bicycle Helmet Protects Child From Helmet-Inspired Beating."
* "New Dog Digs Up Old Dog."
* "[[https://www.theonion.com/tank-rolls-by-living-room-window-1819587538 Tank Rolls By Living Room Window.]]"
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* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gun-laws-passed-this-year,34806/ Default Gun Laws Passed This Year]], [[SomeAnvilsNeedToBeDropped especially the final three]].

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* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gun-laws-passed-this-year,34806/ Default Gun Laws Passed This Year]], [[SomeAnvilsNeedToBeDropped especially the final three]].three.
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/south-korean-president-eats-full-balanced-meal-in-show-1819580244 South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North]]. MundaneMadeAwesome at its finest.
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* From the final [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltObzsDcmpY&list=PL4NL9i-Fu15jfDETSxUC-V8lojhlu2XXg&index=11 episode of Dr. Good]], the [[ArtificialHuman Perfect Human]] finally awakens and slaughters the entire audience, to dr. [[SignificantAnagram Tanas']] joy.
-->'''[[{{Satan}} Tanas]]''': A LIVING TESTAMENT TO GOD'S FALABILITY!
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* "Field trip mishap fulfills child's wish to be Oscar Mayer wiener."

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* "Field trip mishap fulfills child's wish to be Trip Mishap Fulfills Child's Wish To Be Oscar Mayer wiener."Wiener", over a photo of an Oscar Mayer packing plant. There's no article to go with the headline, but, really, why would you even need one?
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* "Field trip mishap fulfills child's wish to be Oscar Mayer wiener."
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*** Now [[https://youtu.be/dIkHLO93lCA with video companion]]!
---> '''Tranquility''': The moon. For Christ's sake. The moon.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
Over.
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* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlRNyiMFTsw "Unemployment rise linked to one guy with 42 000 jobs"]] ends with the punchline that the aforementioned man ''also'' works as a cameraman in the Onion's studio.
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* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEyFH-a-XoQ Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport.]]"
-->'''Employee:''' If there is a problem, fill out complaint form and send in an envelope addressed to the hospital in which you were born!
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** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/they-can-t-arrest-both-of-us-says-giuliani-handcuffi-1838947437 ‘They Can’t Arrest Both Of Us,’ Says Giuliani Handcuffing Himself To Times Square Pikachu]]"
* In relation to Donald Trump:
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-mortified-after-world-series-crowd-starts-booing-1839417630 Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 ‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/vindman-says-ukraine-transcript-left-out-lengthy-sectio-1839474543 Vindman Says Ukraine Transcript Left Out Lengthy Sections Of Trump Bragging About Time He Was In Pizza Hut Commercial]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/again-again-again-exclaims-clapping-grinning-trum-1839420249 ‘Again, Again, Again!’ Exclaims Clapping, Grinning Trump After Sixth Time Watching Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi Death Video]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-cancels-white-house-subscription-to-highlights-1839272069 Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias]]"
** "[[https://politics.theonion.com/trump-apologizes-for-impeachment-comment-after-learning-1839268693 Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert Prager]]"
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* [[https://politics.theonion.com/you-ll-never-take-me-alive-shouts-giuliani-jumping-o-1839108048 "'You'll Never Take Me Alive!' Shouts [Rudy] Giuliani Jumping Onto Chandelier And Immediately Falling 3 Stories"]]
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* While just about all of their movie reviews are funny, their [[http://www.theonion.com/video/the-onion-reviews-12-years-a-slave,34261/ review]] of ''Film/TwelveYearsASlave'' is just hysterical.

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* While just about all of their movie reviews are funny, their [[http://www.[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/video/the-onion-reviews-12-years-a-slave,34261/ com/the-onion-reviews-12-years-a-slave-1819595579 review]] of ''Film/TwelveYearsASlave'' is just hysterical.
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* "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/roseanne-spinoff-showrunner-hopes-big-puddle-of-blood-1829795955 ‘Roseanne’ Spinoff Showrunner Hopes Big Puddle Of Blood In Kitchen Enough To Explain Main Character’s Disappearance]]"
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* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDlCW7FROtI Human Head Found In Hamburger]]"
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* Music/MarilynManson [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/marilyn-manson-now-going-door-to-door-trying-to-shock-p-1819565904 Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People]].
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*The kicker quote for "[[https://www.theonion.com/area-man-has-complete-prison-survival-strategy-mapped-o-1819566380 Area Man Has Complete Prison Survival Strategy Guide Mapped Out]]".
-->"The human being is an animal with extremely strong self-preservation instincts," Trudeau said. "In this regard, Mr. Kroll's preparatory measures make perfect sense. But while devising emergency plans is understandable, Kroll should realize that no matter how much he prepares, the only thing he can count on in prison is [[SophisticatedAsHell having his creamy white ass churned into butter]]."
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* [[https://www.theonion.com/you-are-all-inside-amazon-s-second-headquarters-jeff-1829865580 ‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation]]
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** It doubles as a CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming.

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** It doubles as a CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming.SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}}.
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* [[https://sports.theonion.com/james-harden-credits-his-nba-success-to-sage-advice-fro-1823476653 James Harden Credits His NBA Success To Sage Advice From Fiddler Crab Living Deep Inside Beard.]] Funny enough, but the fact that an arthropod living in a man's beard is an UnusuallyUninterestingSight is hilarious.
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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/search?q=%22John-Kerry%22 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".

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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a JamesBond Franchise/JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/search?q=%22John-Kerry%22 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".
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* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH6TBdN-lJc This video]] detailing a reporter and the horrors he witnessed while undercover in a despotic country...which falls a little flat because of [[TheCaligula who he went undercover as.]]
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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/articleslideshow/license-negotiate-look-back-covert-operations-secr-55088#0 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".

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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/articleslideshow/license-negotiate-look-back-covert-operations-secr-55088#0 com/search?q=%22John-Kerry%22 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".
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* Related, the articles shedding light on the exploits of former Secretary of State, John Kerry. They portray him as a JamesBond superspy. His exploits include ejecting a Russian spy from the international space station, stopping a bunker's self-destruct sequence, and leading a prisoner uprising in a Siberian labor camp. [[http://www.theonion.com/articleslideshow/license-negotiate-look-back-covert-operations-secr-55088#0 Here's]] a list of articles on the man with "A License to Negotiate".

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** When UsefulNotes/WorldWarII is declared: The entire above-the-fold area is dominated by massive letters "WA- Headline Continued on Page 2".
*** And in the corner there is a box that says "Biggest Typesetting In All The Land".
*** Hungary reacts to the war by immediately surrendering to the Soviet Union, giving this darkly humorous and eerily plausible description of JosefStalin's reaction:
-->Stalin, who was present to accept the Hungarian offer, was seen to deliver a curt nod and smile for a long unblinking moment.

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** When UsefulNotes/WorldWarII is declared: declared:
***
The entire above-the-fold area is dominated by massive letters "WA- Headline Continued on Page 2".
*** And in In the corner there is a box that says "Biggest Typesetting In All The Land".
*** Hungary reacts to the war by immediately surrendering to the Soviet Union, giving this darkly humorous and eerily plausible description of JosefStalin's UsefulNotes/JosefStalin's reaction:
-->Stalin, ---->Stalin, who was present to accept the Hungarian offer, was seen to deliver a curt nod and smile for a long unblinking moment.
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* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gun-laws-passed-this-year,34806/ Default Gun Laws Passed This Year]], [[SomeAnvilsNeedToBeDropped especially the final one]].
* Peter K. Rosenthal's review of The Hobbit: Desolation Of Smaug.

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* [[http://www.theonion.com/articles/gun-laws-passed-this-year,34806/ Default Gun Laws Passed This Year]], [[SomeAnvilsNeedToBeDropped especially the final one]].
three]].
* Peter K. Rosenthal's review of The Hobbit: Desolation Of Smaug.''Film/TheHobbitTheDesolationOfSmaug''.
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* ''Anything'' with their depiction of "Diamond" UsefulNotes/JoeBiden: a [[TheStoner weed-smoking]], [[TheCasanova chick-laying]], [[CoolCar Pontiac-driving]] CoolOldGuy who's [[GetRichQuickScheme always scheming]] or [[ButtMonkey getting in trouble]]. [[http://www.theonion.com/search?q=%22joe-biden%22 Here's]] a list of all their articles on him. They've even released a Kindle-exclusive autobiography of his persona called ''The President of Vice'', which uses the articles and photos as the cornerstone for a larger, even more hilarious story.

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----

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\n* [[http://www.theonion.com/article/cyclist-friend-explains-necessity-of-35-socks-18259 This article]] takes a random turn mid-way through and asks whether or not the subjects want to have a three-way with the reporter.

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