History Funny / SamAndMax

* Interacting with the C.O.P.S. before saving Sybil results in her cutting them after when they try to talk.

* The Midtown Cowboys has you doing product placement for some alcohol, but you can replace it with other items. Replace the booze with the bottle water, and Mr. Featherly is [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe absolutely baffled over the performance]] as he still performs like he is addicted but is clearly annoyed to the point that at the end, he calls the take ridiculous.

-->'''Sam:''' Call it canine intuition, but I think our mole discovered something about these teddy bears he shouldn't have! We've got to find him and get to the bottom of this!
'''Lovey Bear:''' You're lucky this mask doesn't have earholes, or I might have heard that secret conversation you just had right in front of me.

--> '''Whizzer:''' Aw, come on. It's a free country!\\

--> '''Sam:''' It looks like he's got Boston Baked Beans in there this month.\\

--> '''Sam''': That may be the '''least''' relaxing sign I ever seen.\\
'''Max''': What about that one outside the barber shop that says "[[FalseReassurance Low Fatality Rate]]"?\\
'''Sam''': I stand corrected.

--> '''Bosco''': Remember, we never had this conversation.\\
'''Max''': What conversation?\\
'''Bosco''': The conversation we just had.\\
'''Sam''': No, he was pretending to not know about the conversation.\\
'''Bosco''': What conversation?\\
'''Max''': Oh, brother!

--> '''Sam''': Do you have any... weapons of mass destruction?\\
'''Bosco''': Who's asking?

--> '''Sam''': Can you believe we get paid to do this?\\
'''Max''': ''[sniff]'' I love this country.

--> '''Max''': This is your first and final warning! Pull over, or die!

--> '''Sam''': Your taillight's busted.\\
'''Driver''': But ''you're'' the ones who broke it!\\
'''Max''': Your point being?

--> '''Sam''': According to our homemade radar gun, you were just exceeding the speed of light.\\
'''Driver''': That's not physically possible.\\
'''Max''': Oh, would you like me to ''demonstrate'' what's physically possible?

--> '''Max''': We're booking your sorry hide for indecent exposure!\\
'''Driver''': What are you talking about?! I'm fully clothed!\\
'''Max''': Except your face. Get a veil, please!\\
'''Sam''': Let's go, Max. Having that face is punishment enough.

--> '''Bosco''': Call the CIA, call Interpol, call Mickey Rooney!\\
'''Sam''': ''(Hypnotized)'' Must...deliver...(''breaks for a second'') Mickey Rooney?? (''resumes'')...videos...\\
'''Bosco''': AHHHHHH!

--> '''Whizzer''': Somersaulting Democrats in a crate of sauerkraut!\\
'''Peepers''': Patience is a sharp razor to swallow!\\
'''Specs''': [[CatchPhrase You crack me up, little buddy!]]\\
'''Sam''': [[DoIReallySoundLikeThat Who's]] '''''[[DoIReallySoundLikeThat that]]''''' [[DoIReallySoundLikeThat supposed to be?]]

--> '''Sam''': Idiot! What demonic force possessed you to do that?\\
'''Max''': The demonic force called acting, Sam. You should try it some time.\\
'''Sam''': Good thing I had my anti-hypnosis helmet built into my hat, or I'd have one too many holes in the head.

--> '''Mr. Featherly''': Open up in there! I know you're hiding a cow!

--> '''Mr. Featherly''': Alright! I know you're hiding a- oh for pity's sake! This is never going to work if you're not even going to hide the cow!\\
'''Director''': Cut!\\
'''Mr. Featherly''': Amateurs!

--> '''Mr. Featherly''': Cut!\\
'''Director''': Don't say cut. [[HeyThatsMyLine That's my job]].

--> '''Sam:''' She said "Moon".\\

--> '''Myra''': Anecdotes about other celebrities, even ones as dubious as you two, are always welcome!\\
'''Max''': Well, I was battering this purse-snatcher with a broken parking meter and screaming "Die! Why won't you die?!" and Sam said, "You crack me up, little buddy!"\\
'''Myra''': ...The point being?\\
'''Max''': I crack Sam up!

--> '''Max''': Sam, it's me. Open the window! I'm trapped on the ledge again!\\
'''Max''': Sam, come on! I have to pee! And the PTA is here, and they're carrying signs!\\
'''Max''': Hey, Sam, it's me again. I found a way to solve all three of my problems at once! But I'm gonna be needing bail.

--> '''Sam''': It looks like candy, but I'm pretty sure it's fish tank gravel again.\\
'''Max''': I've had worse.

-->'''Bosco''': (As a British gentleman) Pip pip! Honey Nut Cheerio.

--> '''Sam''': Hands in the air Bosco! You're coming with us!\\
'''Bosco''': Good heavens! What is the meaning of this?!\\
'''Max''': We're taking you in for masquerading as a man of class and distinction!\\
'''Bosco''': What the devil? Surely you jest?\\
'''Sam''': Yes, surely we do. On the bright side, you can add the police to your long list of paranoia-induced nightmare subjects.\\
'''Bosco''': Mmmmm-Pshaw! Piffle! Pish-posh!

--> '''Sam''': Do you have any...[[SchmuckBait ketchup?]]\\
'''Bosco''': Nope - oh, wait!\\
'''Max''': Got you!\\
'''Bosco''': Blast! Drat! Dash it all!

--> '''Hugh''': (''looks at Max for a few seconds, then gasps'') Oh my! [[AMindIsATerribleThingToRead That's unspeakably depraved]]!\\
'''Max''': Yeah, you got it! Wow, you're amazing.

--> '''Sam''': And with the magic of TV cooking show time... (''looks at the casserole he made'') Ta-da! You've successfully perverted the laws of God and man.

--> '''Sam''': (''while shaking a spice shaker into the pot'') Can we say enough good things about roofing tile shards?
--> '''Max''': Obviously, we can't!

--> '''Max''': Hey Sam, can I-\\
'''Sam''': No.

--> '''Sam''': What do we do now?\\
'''Max''': Make food?\\
'''Sam''': Brilliant!

--> Ted E. Bear's is oodles of fun\\

--> '''Sam''': Hmmm. Are those-? Yep. They've resorted to filling the candy machine with antidepressants.\\
'''Max''': How depressing.

--> '''Bosco''': He's got a gun, and he doesn't know how to use it!

--> '''Sam:''' Does the carpet match the drapes?\\

--> '''Ted E. Bear/Harry:''' The code phrase! Idiot! These guys are Freelance Police! Apparently, they still haven't figured out that I've switched sides!\\

--> '''Sam:''' I hear you have a "mole problem"?\\

--> '''Max''': Pull over! (''beat'') Oh wait, I forgot we were the ones being chased. Never mind!

--> '''Bug''': '''I. Am. Reborn. I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!'''\\
'''Max''': (''giggles like a schoolgirl'')\\
'''Sam''': You know, Max, sneaking the Bug into that exorcism was an uncharacteristic stroke of genius.\\
'''Max''': Demonic possession is the gift that keeps on giving!

--> '''Max''': So what did they say?\\
'''Sam''': The toppings cost extra, and they're all out of entrails.

--> '''Agent Superball''': I asked you not to call me at work again, dear.

--> '''Lincoln:''' You think you can take me, punk!? I will knock your ''[bleep]'' so far up your ''[bleep]'' you'll be ''[bleep]'' for a week!\\

--> '''Sybil:''' Is this Mr. Cthulhu calling again? (''...'') Look, I already explained to you, our clients are looking for someone younger! Now please stop calling me!

--> '''Superball:''' Please step away from the door, sir. Yes, that is all I say.

--> '''Hugh Bliss:''' The Magic and illusion of wonder is a dream of your imagination! And I know you're listening Sam and Max.\\

-->'''President:''' Well, don't that beat all? Chuckles, check this out! When you fold the dollar bill this way, it looks like [[ToiletHumor he's pootin']]!

-->'''Chuckles:''' Put that down, Mr. President! Don't make me get a hose!

--> '''Sam''': (''silence'')
--> '''Max''': Were you going to ask me something, Sam?
--> '''Sam''': [[YouDoNotWantToKnow I was, but then I decided that I'd rather not know.]]

--> '''Max''': This is the second most entertaining hypnotic trance I've ever seen.\\
'''Sam''': What's the first?\\
'''Max''': Watermelon.\\
'''Sam''': [[HypnoFool Buck-cluuck!]]

--> '''Sam''': Were they walking around, examining everything, and engaging everyone in pointless conversations?\\
'''President''': Those are the ones!\\
'''Max''': Those accursed clones! When will their devilish mimicry end?

--> '''Sam''': "Prepare to die, capitalist oppressor! Men, launch the dragoons! Our victory is at hand! Aim destructo-beam at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Fire on my mark. 3...2..."\\
'''Whizzer''': Wait! I heard that! That's not what I said at all!\\
'''Sam''': [[BlatantLies I must have misheard that.]]

--> '''Sam''': [[HoYay "Don't you realize that I have always loved you?"]]

--> '''Max''': This election reminds me of a droll story. It seems Chester A. Arthur and the Pope were kayaking down the Amazon one day. Suddenly a tiny Candiru fish swims up the Pope's ''[[SoundEffectBleep (censored)]]'' and lodges itself in his ''[[SoundEffectBleep (censored)]]''. Arthur grabs the Pope's ''[[SoundEffectBleep (censored)]]'' pliers and ''[[SoundEffectBleep (censored)]]'' swelled up like a melon. And the Pope says, "Thanks! Last time that happened, [=McKinley=] wanted to ''[[SoundEffectBleep (censored three times)]]''!" ''({{beat}})'' No wait! Wait! Wait, I think I told it wrong.

--> '''President''': Aw, you do ''not'' wanna go there, son! Place smells like a mausoleum in winter. But if you really wanna see it, it's down the hall to your right. (''Whizzer darts away'')\\
'''Max''': Sam, did you just make an innocent person defile one of the most famous rooms in U.S. history? (''Whizzer returns, relieved'')\\
'''Sam''': Apparently, I did.

--> '''Sam:''' Well...\\

--> '''Sam:''' Max says you can take a vacation. It's April Fool's Day!\\

--> '''Max''': Awwwww!\\
'''Sam''': Better pull up a chair, little buddy.

--> '''Max''': Attention, Bosco shoppers, cleanup on aisle ''everything''.

--> '''Sam''': Novelty gumballs. Shaped just like the real thing, but made of inedible plastic.\\
'''Max''': Fool your friends, annoy your grandparents!

--> '''Sam''': What does this Internet doohickey have to do with being an elf?\\

'''Max''': I didn't think it was possible, but he's actually ''less'' creepy as the elf.\\
'''Bosco''': '''''Half'''''-elf, foo'![[note]]Changed to "troll" in the remaster[[/note]]

--> '''Sam''': Do you have any... self-respect?\\
'''Bosco''': Nay!\\
'''Max''': Ha ha! Tricked you!\\
'''Bosco''': (''in his regular voice'') No, I understood the question. I understood it ''all too well''.\\
'''Sam''': You sure know how to suck the fun out of everything, Bosco.

--> '''Max''': A gang of about five dentists came through here the other night, and four of them just started beating the hell out of it!\\
'''Sam''': What did the fifth one do?\\
'''Max''': He just kept sobbing and saying "Why can't we all just get along?".

--> '''Sam:''' So, you just sit around and make each other feel better about yourselves?\\

--> '''Sam:''' Your motivational song is, um... nice.\\

--> '''Sam:''' Did you write the words to that song yourselves?\\

--> '''Sam:''' What's the title of your motivational song?\\

--> '''Max:''' [=AIs=] are always ''soooo'' PC.

--> '''Sam:''' Hi, buddy! We brought you a house-warming gift!\\

--> '''Sam:''' [[Film/Scarface1983 Say hello to my little friend!]] ''[puts the bug on Bob]''\\

--> '''Sam:''' You look lonely. ''[puts the bug on him]''\\

--> '''Max:''' That's not very helpful.\\

--> '''Parser:''' You don't see a need for that.\\

--> '''Sam:''' Hey!\\

--> '''Parser:''' Taken.\\

--> ''[Sybil's office: "GO BONKERS"]''\\

'''Bosco:''' ''(dressed as '''''his mother''''')'' Didn't I tell you boys not to track mud in the store? I just vacuumed!\\

--> ''Episode 1 Reference''\\

--> '''Max:''' ''*pitiful, frustrated groan*''
--> '''Sam:''' Hey, I was on a roll!

--> '''Sam:''' Knowing you, Bosco, it's entirely reasonable, but how much for the earthquake maker?\\
'''Bosco:''' (''without his falsetto'') A hundred trillion dollars.\\

--> '''Bosco''': Look, man, all I know is, I keep making up the most ''ridiculous price'' I can think of, and ''[[AdamSmithHatesYourGuts you keep payin' it]]''! So I ask you, ''who's'' the foo'?[[note]]Changed to "Who's the crazy one?" in the remaster[[/note]]\\
'''Sam''': Well, with a sales pitch like that, how could we ''not'' buy it?\\
'''Bosco:''' (''back in the falsetto'') Remember: no earthquakes in the house!

--> '''Sybil''': [[RoyalWe We]] have become the queen of Canada!\\
'''Max''': I thought Music/{{Rush|Band}} was the Music/{{Queen|Band}} of Canada.

--> '''Max''': My magic 8-ball '''told''' me to bring my anti-bacterial soap today! '''WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?!?'''

--> '''Sam''': I saw what you did. Keep the payments coming, and nobody has to know. Love you too, Mom.

--> '''Sam''': Hello, Wanda? Sell! Sell!\\
'''Max''': I didn't know you had a stockbroker.\\
'''Sam''': That's the Sunflower Scout troop I'm sponsoring. Little loafers don't understand the gravity of cookie season.

-->'''Max''': Claw out my eyes Sam! I can't stand to look at it!\\
'''Sam''': Not if I claw out my own eyes first, little buddy.\\
'''Bosco''': I'M NOT WEARING A DISGUISE.

-->'''Bosco''': Hey guys, does my package sound like it's ticking to you?\\
'''Max''': Not your best pick up line.\\
'''Bosco''': I think my package is the bomb!\\
'''Max''': Now THAT'S a pick up line!

-->'''Max''': That's just paranoid.\\
'''Bosco''': Technically, [[FunWithAcronyms yes it is.]]

-->'''Sam''': Do you have any-\\
'''Bosco''': '''''[[SuddenlyShouting NO! THIS AIN'T A STORE!]]'''''\\
'''Sam''': It's not?\\
'''Bosco''': '''''NO!'''''\\
'''Sam''': Oh, why didn't ya say so?\\
'''Bosco''': '''''AHHH!'''''\\
'''Max''': A trillion dollars worth of detection equipment, and he still didn't see that coming from a mile away.

-->'''Max''': Ho! Ho! Ho..hhh My GOD I'M ON FIRE!!

--> '''Sam:''' Seriously, you're under arrest! We're police!\\

--> '''Sam:''' Say Max, do you think we should have driven off before they loaded all the presents? \\

'''Sunken Moai Head:''' (muffled) Yeah! I love Glenn Miller!\\

-->'''Sam''': How'd you get those DNA Samples?\\
'''Momma Bosco''': [[InnocentInnuendo Isn't it obvious?]]\\
''(Sam and Max stare at the camera)''\\
'''Momma Bosco''': Saliva, fools!

-->'''Bosco''': They're just waiting to probe us and turn us all into freakish animal/human hybrids!\\
'''Max''': Bosco! Sam is standing right here!

-->'''Sam''': Max is belligerent, recalcitrant, and quite possibly psychotic!\\
'''Momma Bosco''': So you're jealous, is that is? Want to keep him all to yourself?\\
'''Max''' (smiling): I never knew you felt this way, Sam.\\
'''Time Elevator''': Temporal anomaly detec-\\
'''Sam''': Shut up! It's not like that!

-->'''Max''': You... JERKS!\\
'''Sam''': You made us go through the last year and a half all over again!

-->'''Sam''': Max, distract Stinky for me. ''(Starts unscrewing the display case)''\\
'''Max''': Oh my God! Look Stinky!\\
'''Stinky''': Ahh! What, what!?\\
'''Max''': Somebody's trying to break into your display case!\\
'''Stinky''': Ahhh.\\
'''Sam''': Real smooth, Little buddy...

-->'''Sam''': Do you have any-\\
'''Bosco''': Boy, I am standing buck naked on an empty stage thousands of miles below the surface of the earth. Does it LOOK like I have anything?\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Sam''': Do you have any [[VideoGame/ManiacMansion chainsaw gasoline?]]\\
'''Bosco''': I really am in hell.

'''Sam:''' ''(Speaking over Max)'' In the buff! In his birthday suit!\\

-->'''Sam''': Distract Hugh Bliss for me!\\
'''Max''': Oh dear, I seem to be ''completely naked''.\\
'''Hugh Bliss''': ''(Sounding [[AmbiguouslyGay entirely OK with this]])'' Oh ''dear!''\\
'''Max''': I hope I don't have to ''bend over provocatively'' and-\\
'''Sam''': [[NoJustNoReaction That's enough Max]].

--->'''Sam''': ...Conga line! Who's with me?\\
'''Max''': ''(beat) (raises hand)'' ...I am!

--> '''Sam''': Have a holly, jolly, eternal damnation!

--> '''Sam:''' ''(looks at Max, then back at Harry)'' Yeah, that's what you'd think, at first.

-->'''Sam''': Max, what's our situation?\\
'''Max''': Peepers is making the move on Sybil. She's totally into it.\\
'''Sam''': Just wanted to make sure [[CallBack my dementia]] hasn't kicked in early.

'''Sam:''' ''(Annoyed, he adjusts his tie)'' ...Well, I never!