History Funny / SCPFoundationJokeSCPEntries

* [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-4000-j SCP-4000-J]] is a parody of [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/taboo the unnamed SCP that would probably be 4000 if it had a number]][[note]]In a nutshell, it's an EldritchLocation where giving anything a name (which includes using the same description more than once) [[TheScottishTrope means Bad Things]].[[/note]], with Dr. Mack finding himself faced with ever more restrictive Eshu Protocol updates preventing him from writing ''anything'' useful about the anomaly, until he finally snaps:

-->'''Note''': The world is dying, Naismith. This doesn't matter anymore. - O5-12\\
'''Note''': So you're telling me that the end of the world - arguably the most metal thing to happen in Earth's history - is a bad time for metal? - Dr. Naismith\\
'''Note''': ...you're not even wrong, and I hate that. - O5-12

--> ''There is a long-standing tradition of rivalry between the task force that runs The Sun Launcher and [[NoKillLikeOverkill Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once.]]''

--> '''Girl:''' What's her power, mister?\\

--> '''Special Containment Procedures:''' SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept in a steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan. In case of [REDACTED] security staff are to begin humming the Star Spangled Banner while weeping a single tear.\\

--> The entrance to these vaults is to be guarded at all times by at least two hundred guards from special forces backgrounds, seventeen class-D personnel blinded and given flamethrowers, three priests, two rabbis, an imam, a Sherpa, and a Girl Scout of Abrahamic faith.\\

-->'''Object Class''': KETER OH GOD KILL IT

-->'''SCP-4357-J''': And THAT is how you make a proper summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice and neat. NOW, if I step in it like ''this'', it'll be hard for me to get out!\\

'''SCP-4357-J''': Oh, ''FUCK ME!''

--->'''SCP-4357-J''': Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. I can bust through anything other than wrought-iron that has the words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are you going to find THAT nowadays, huh?\\

'''SCP-4357-J''': Shit.

--->'''Agent ██''': Hello, SCP-4357. I have a question for you today.
--->'''SCP-4357-J''': Fuck off, asshole. I ain't saying nothing to you shitheads any more. You keep locking me down tighter.
--->'''Agent ██''': This is actually a very simple question that has been bothering me for a while: [[ArmorPiercingQuestion why didn't you escape before we set up all this]]?
--->''Agent ██ gestures at the then-current containment protocols. [[DumbStruck SCP-4357-J looks stricken, with its mouth hanging open, for approximately 30 seconds]].''
--->'''SCP-4357-J''': I- I didn't- I thought tha- Oh, GOD DAMN IT!
--->''SCP-4357-J proceeds to throw itself against the containment barriers more violently than usual for 90 hours, 17 minutes, [[ClusterFBomb yelling a constant stream of invective the entire time]].''

--> 2) Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.\\

----> 71.9) "Someone is getting stabbed."
----> 71.9.1) But some days, it should be.

--> "You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will ''dream'' about punching sharks. You will ''[[JumpingTheShark jump]]'' [[IncrediblyLamePun the shark]]. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to ''[[ImprovisedWeapon beat up sharks]].'' ... Now get out of here. Those sharks aren't going to punch themselves. ''Because they don't have hands''."

--> '''[=TroyL=]''': ... [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/poopstick-mcgee-and-the-flying-walruses Challenge accepted]].\\
'''Dr. Clef''': [[GoneHorriblyRight Oh God.]]

--> "Mine was an Apollyon class soft dog that ate pork, as well as Hitler's other testicle."\\

--> ''what's that motherfuckin' mailman doing here... yeah, you better go away. motherfucker.''

--> ''Dr. Filler reported SCP-SPOOKY-J having been in his closet for several hours quietly singing the song Hound Dog, by Music/ElvisPresley, replacing the phrase "Hound Dog" with "Fuckboy".''

--> '''Scientist 3:''' "Yeah. Downvote for pointless dark matter."\\

--> '''Researcher Axwell''': I invited him out for drinks last week. Kind of gave me the cold shoulder, but he's pretty far out of my league anyway. Pretty dreamy though, don't you think?
--> '''Dr. Lee''': I've been working on my pickup lines, here, listen! "Hey baby, why don't you and me go turn in for the night?" Get it? Turn in? Because... turning? Guys?
--> '''Researcher Chambers''': Man, I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.
--> '''Dr. Hughes''': Oh yeah, I'd really ███████████ ████ ███████ █████████ and then take one of those █████ ███████ ███ █████ from the pyrotechnics lab and just ██████ ███████ ███ ██████ ███ ██████ then let him ██████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████ ████████████.
--> ''Note: Data expunged, holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you people? -[[OnlySaneMan Dr. Clef]]''

--> ''Any and all information about SCP-100000-J is restricted to level 4 personnel or above. As a result, the author of this page is to be termi[[ExplainExplainOhCrap wait what the fuck guys I thought HEY JESUS FUCK OFF WHAT]]''

--> ''SCP-682 unharmed; text generated in clouds over Site-58: "FUCKUS THATUS SHITUM"''

--> ''The Alaskan king crab goes extinct.''

-->The [=O5=] Council has decided that [[TakeThat Apollyon is dumb]], because it goes against the very ideology of the Foundation, is only used to make [=SCPs=] seem scarier and is generally appalling. - O5-13

--> '''Special Containment Procedures:''' As attempts to manually alter the text of SCP-404-J have proved futile, twice-hourly tactical nuclear strikes are to continue on SCP-404-J until it has been successfully neutralized. As such, Foundation personnel, combat task forces, and civilians may only come within 100 km of SCP-404-J after signing a mortality waiver.
--> (...)
--> '''PLANET ERF!'''

--> '''by !Jehovah'''
--> '''[ Rating: -5922 | + | - ]'''

--> '''Object Class''': [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Euclid Safe]]
--> [[CaptainObvious Deceased relatives are no help.]]
-->Removing their dead bodies started feeling kind of formal, and the smell was [[MoodWhiplash later described as "crispy sex pirates"]].\\

---> '''Dr. Mack:''' When [[red:'''the thing that is being described in this file''']] \\

---> '''Description:''' I'm going to go snort a fat line of cocaine off Dr. West's ass and hope that when I get back I have the motivation and dexterity to suck my own dick, for that will be the last satisfaction I ever achieve in this short, horrible life.
---> '''Eshu Protocol Update:''' [[green:'''File revisions approved!''']]

-->'''Cuttlefish''': AGENT JENNIFER WALKER!
-->'''Agent Williams''': I'm clearly a man...

-->'''Dr. Baker''': That is a shoe.
-->'''SCP-049-J''': Yes.
-->'''Dr. Baker''': That will heal this person?
-->'''SCP-049-J''': It is the cure.
-->'''Dr. Baker''': Alright, go ahead.
-->''SCP-049-J proceeds to gesture dramatically over the patient before violently beating the patient's throat with a shoe.''

---> '''Incident Report'''\\

--> '''Addendum 184-0001:''' Researchers affected by SCP-184 are not to attend to documentation of any kind until all symptoms of exposure are completely absent. Holy fuck.

-->'''Director Anderson:''' I built a new robot.
-->'''Overbobble-1:''' I- what?
-->'''Director Anderson:''' Yeah. New robot.
-->'''Overbobble-1:''' It, uh. I mean, what kind of robot is it?
-->'''Director Anderson:''' [[MathematiciansAnswer It's a pretty good robot.]]
-->'''Overbobble-1:''' No, I mean, what does it do? We've got a- I mean, (laughs), we're trying to accomplish something here, and I just want to make sure you're using your time most eff-
-->'''Director Anderson:''' [[RefugeInAudacity It beats children with a bat.]]
-->'''Overbobble-1:''' [[EveryoneHasStandards I- wha- holy shit, what?]]
* [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-496-j SCP-496-J]], AKA Senior Researcher Dr. Margaret "Maggie" Sawyer-Sheen, AKA what happens if you let a ParodySue take up residence in the facility. Not to mention that the addendums read like a cliche romance story.

* [[https://scp-es.com/scp-es-4991-j SCP-ES-4991-J]]: a vacuum cleaner seen from a cat´s point of view.

--> "JUST CREMATE ME ALREADY YOU SICK FUCKS" - General Janet Spiegel, ☽☽☽ Initiative \\

--> '''SCP-002-J-41:''' Great. I've been meaning to catch up on [REDACTED] but for the life of me I just can't remember what episode I'm by. Been distracted by the news, you know. Speaking of which, [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-1173 you hear about that thing down in Samothrace]]? \\

---> '''SCP-████:''' '''''I FEAST.''''' \\

---> '''Dr. Henderson:''' If you hypothetically could kill me, [[AndThenWhat what do you intend to do afterwards?]] \\

--> '''Special Containment Procedures:''' A̶f̶f̶e̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶d̶i̶v̶i̶d̶u̶a̶l̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶b̶j̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶t̶i̶d̶i̶a̶r̶r̶h̶e̶a̶l̶s̶ '''USELESS''' I can't hold it in anymore! AAAH DON'T COME OUT STOP! STOP! I'M IN A MIDDLE OF A MEETING! STOP! STOP! OH, LORD! AAH IT'S LEAKING LEAKING LEAKING LEAKING LEA-\\

--->(''A loud groan is heard from the right-side of the table. An emaciated and shriveled man raises his hand weakly. He has three eyes.'')
--->'''Dr. Clef:''' (''Repeated, indecipherable wheezing, followed by a series of desperate coughs.'')
--->'''[=O5-2=]:''' Yeesh. This really did a number on him.
--->'''Dr. Blake:''' It's only been a few hours, for fuck's sake.

** Just in case the name of the SCP, the Object Class, and the Special Containment Procedures didn't clue you in properly, the description starts off with [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment "SCP-TTKU-J is a thing that kills you."]] It then goes on about how murder is widely illegal, condemned by most religious scriptures, and is "[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking generally looked down upon]]", not that such silly customs prevent SCP-TTKU-J from killing you.

** Just in case the name of the SCP, the Object Class, and the Special Containment Procedures didn't clue you in properly, the description starts off with [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment "SCP-TTKU-J is a thing that kills you."]] It then goes on about how murder is widely illegal, condemned by most religious scriptures, and is "[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking generally frowned upon]]", not that such silly customs prevent SCP-TTKU-J from killing you.

** Just in case the name of the SCP, the Object Class, and the Special Containment Procedures didn't clue you in properly, the description starts off with [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment "SCP-TTKU-J is a thing that kills you."]]

* [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/ronald-reagan-cut-up-while-rapping RONALD REAGAN CUT UP WHILE RAPPING]] is a parody of [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-1981 SCP-1981]], but instead of being an anomalous Ronald Reagan videotape, it's a rap adaptation of [=SCP-1981=]'s WordSaladHorror made by [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-701 the Hanged King]] (who's apparently a Gamers Against Weed member in this particular article). Instead of killing its listeners through mass hysteria, the rap is DarthWiki/SoBadItsHorrible in-universe that its listeners are DrivenToSuicide (with the first documented person uttering "Thanks, I hate it" in their death throes). Oh, and the D-classes who've heard the King's mixtape think it's "fucking corny".

'''Type:''' Sudoku\\

* [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/the-things-dr-bright-is-not-allowed-to-do-at-the-foundation The Things Dr Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation]]. [[note]] Some of these examples have since been deleted. [[/note]]

* [[http://scp-int.wikidot.com/scp-999-jp-j SCP-999-JP-J]] is [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-999 SCP-999]], but with a few key differences; first, SCP-999 used a site-wide containment breach as an opportunity to [[WalkingTheEarth walk the Earth]], going through self-imposed TrainingFromHell, and second, SCP-999 is now a ''bronzed bodybuilder sporting a blue thong'' and all of its powers have increased in effectiveness as a result. The TickleTorture it subjects SCP-682 to in the original article now ends with 682 ''disintegrating'' into a wave of healing energy instead of simply passing out from laughter, with the Foundation later classifying 999 as a Thaumiel-class anomaly and using it to solve all of its long-standing problems.

* [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-999-j SCP-999-J]], a fat man who teleports wearing nothing but a speedo that he can seemingly pull anything out of. To give a taste, this is the entire Containment Procedure:

203) The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for [[ADateWithRosiePalms masturbation]].\\

** Going through the article, it quickly proves itself to be a spectacular pastiche of the various ADMONITION articles (most especially the original, SCP-6820), complete with the problem having been caused by "Project ANTIFUCK" attempting to neutralize an existing SCP (in this case, 6969). There are also countless other gags which play with the typical structure of the ADMONITION articles, such as a transcript seeming to end with [=O5-6's=] dramatic one-liner only to suddenly continue with everyone booing him, or a parody of 682's defacing of the original 6820 article that simply reads "'''[[LampshadeHanging FUNNY RANDOM BOLD TEXT]]'''.

222) [[https://scpcbgame.com/ Dr. Bright is not allowed to make freeware games based on contained objects and release them onto the internet.]]\\

----->"[[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventurePhantomBlood PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN, THIS IS THE LAST OF MY HAMON! TAKE IT!]]"

** Operation [[InherentlyFunnyWords TUESDAY WATERBOTTLE]][[note]]Or in British English, 'choowsday wo'a-bo'ol'[[/note]], to assassinate "[[GodQueen The All-Knowing Immortal Grand Apex Sorceress]] [[UsefulNotes/HMTheQueen Queen Elizabeth II]]."

*** The humanoid modification section naturally describes the British as having innate proficiency with knives in combat.

*** The humanoid modification section naturally describes the British as having [[KnifeNut innate proficiency with knives in combat]].

*** The humanoid modification section naturally describes the British has having [[KnifeNut innate proficiency with knives in combat]].

** Operation [[InherentlyFunnyWords TUESDAY WATERBOTTLE]][[note]]Or in British English, 'choowsday wo'a-bo'ol'[[/note]], to assassinate "[[GodQueen The All-Knowing Immortal Grand Apex Sorceress]] [[UsefulNotes/HMTheQueen Queen Elizebeth II]]."

--->"Regardless of what happens on October 4th, 2022, normalcy will be protected. The consensus will be maintained. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking We will not be eating beans on]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] [[MoodWhiplash toast for breakfast]].

*** The 'historical comparisons' have their time to shine, as both Brexit and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick rampant recolonisation]] being attributed to the exact same reason - UsefulNotes/DavidCameron thought ItSeemedLikeAGoodIdeaAtTheTime. Meanwhile the [[CallBack Maggie Thatcher-cult]] espousing genocidal hatred of the Irish and [[KillThePoor poor people]] is described as ''[[NotHyperbole completely true]].''

** As if 6140-J wasn't enough already, the offset turns it UpToEleven with a combination of InterfaceScrew and WhamLine.

**