History Funny / Portal2

*** Especially the fact that you carry her by skewering her on one of the portal gun's prongs, so she can pass through the emancipation grills unharmed. But the ''real'' reason Chell did that was for just a small bit of payback.
** After she resolves her potato power output issues and realizes she can't be too emotional, this quote stands out:
--->"We're still going to figure out what the hell is going on here, but ''calmly''."

** And after that, as she continues to figure out who Caroline is, her first thought on the subject is "Did I kill her?" She's just so contemplative about it; good to know she sticks to what she knows she does most.
* Though it was changed to make her less irritating to players, this early version of the dialogue when you reunite with [=PotatOS=] is priceless:
-->"Oh. It's you. Go away. [[HaveYouComeToGloat Come to gloat?]] Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look. Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes. That's right. [[ARareSentence A potato just called your eyes fat.]] Now your fat eyes have seen everything."

* Wheatley trying to prove he's not a moron by telling Chell he's reading books -- and making sound effects of ''pages turning''.
-->'''Wheatley:''' Oh, sorry. Hope that didn't disturb you just then. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned. ''(later)'' So that's just what I was doing. I was just reading... ah... books. So I'm not a moron. ''(later)'' Anyway. Just finished the last one. The hardest one. [[Creator/NiccoloMachiavelli Machiavelli]]. Do not know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?

* The fact that turrets will shoot at Wheatley's face that is shown on the monitors if you point them towards it. This is the only way to break a few of the monitors for the "Smash TV" achievement.

* The ending. Specifically, the scene where Chell has finally escaped: as she looks around, she hears a noise, and the Companion Cube (charred to Hell and back) is spat out of the door.
* "I'm in space."
** "I know you are, mate! Yep...we're both in space..."
*** "Spaaaaaaaaaaace!"
* "Dad, I'm in space. [deep voice] I'm proud of you, son! [normal] Dad, are you space? [deep voice] Yes, now we are a family again!"
* All of the faulty cores are basically some of the most hilarious parts of the game.
** The Fact Core's information is sometimes correct. Sometimes...it isn't.
--->"Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of radioactivity and dying of radioactivity."\\
"Contrary to the popular belief, the Eskimo does not have one hundred different words for snow. They do however have 234 words for fudge."\\
"In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than four percent of poor people are able to do this."\\
"The Schrödinger's Cat paradox states that a cat in a box must be, for all intents and purposes, alive and dead until someone opens the box. Schrödinger invented this theory as a justification for killing cats."\\
"Whales are twice as intelligent and three times as delicious as humans." \\
"The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty." \\
"Cell phones will not give you cancer. [[FalseReassurance Only hepatitis]]." \\
"The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone involved screamed the entire way." \\
"At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the Dutch." \\
"If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: One comes before two, comes before sixty, comes after twelve, comes before six trillion, comes after five hundred and four. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal." \\
"Avocados have the highest fiber and calories of any fruit. [[ArtisticLicenseBiology They are found in Australians]]." \\
"In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning." \\
"Before the invention of scrambled eggs in 1912, the typical breakfast was either whole eggs, still in the shell, or scrambled rocks."\\
"The square root of rope is string."
* The turret opera. With the [[BrickJoke Animal King turret]] in the background and the massive lead singer turret, which is also a brick joke as you can see it taking the elevator in an early chamber. And you know it's the end, because the Fat Lady was singing.

* During Wheatley's second major test, he interrupts to give Chell a hint only to be stopped by an electric shock, leading [=GLaDOS=] to explain that they have a NoFairCheating system in place. After the test, she takes advantage of the system by [[CorrectionBait fooling Wheatley]] into giving the correct solution again, just to laugh at his plight.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Thanks. All we had to do was pull that lever.

* Wheatley attempting final BossBanter. And being bad at it.

* When Wheatley lashes out at [=GLaDOS=] in the testing chambers because she keeps calling him a moron, she comments on how she [[AC: "might have taken the moron-thing a little too far this time"]]. Enter the next chamber, and you hear a harpsichord playing one of Bach's symphonies as Wheatley attempts to make it clear that he knows his classics. You can practically ''hear'' the facepalm in [=GLaDOS=]'s voice.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''' ''(exasperated)'' Ohhh no, he's playing classical music...
* The final level had a lot of these:
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': "Well, this is the part where he kills us."\\
'''Wheatley''': Hello. This is the part where I kill you.\\
CHAPTER NINE: [[RuleOfThree THE PART WHERE HE KILLS YOU]]\\
[[UsefulNotes/{{Xbox 360}} Achievement]] [[UsefulNotes/{{Steam}} Unlocked]]/[[UsefulNotes/{{Playstation 3}} You earned a trophy!]]: ''[[OverlyLongGag The Part Where He Kills You]]'' (This is that part.)
** Wheatley lays a turret trap for you only for them to be the defective turrets that you and him [[HoistByHisOwnPetard set up for [=GLaDOS=] earlier]]. [[EpicFail One of them is still in its box.]]
*** The dialog during this, if you stay in this room, is just hilarious.
----> "Are you dead yet? ({{Beat}}.) How about now?"
** He then gets the real turrets and then goes on a rant about how he's got all the cards in his hand, saying that they're all full houses, and then says he's never played cards and then says something about an Ace of Fours.
** Then he gets a crusher and says this:
---> Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Holmes VS Moriarty. Aristotle VS [[BuffySpeak Mashy-spike-plate!]]
** THEN something breaks, and he wonders out loud if it killed you, saying it'd be great if it killed you. He then has an idea and tells you not to die until he gets back.
** "Clever. Very clever. And FOOLISH! You're at my mercy! And I don't have any! You're at my ''nothing''! Spinny-blade wall! Machiavellian!"

** Go back to Wheatley after he tries to kill you.
---> '''Wheatley:''' [[DevelopersForesight Oh wow, you...you actually came back. Huh. I didn't plan for this, so...can't reset the death trap... Oh! I know! Could you just jump into that pit?]]
*** Complying with Wheatley's offer [[ViolationOfCommonSense gets you an achievement.]]
*** Wheatley trying to convince you to jump into the pit by listing various things that are naturally not down there is full of comedic gold: your birth parents, a three-portal gun, an escape elevator, a french jumpsuit, a tailor ''for'' the jumpsuit, a handbag, a yacht, boys who don't care if you have brain damage, a boy ''band'' that hasn't seen a girl in years, and a pony farm.
*** If you stay after he finishes listing everything, [=GLaDOS=] comments:
---->'''[=GLaDOS=]:'''[[AC:You really do have brain damage, don't you? I can't believe you came back.]]
* When Wheatley is running Chell through "his" tests (actually made by [=GLaDOS=]), he tries to give away the answer. The interface rig shocks him. Once Chell completes the test, [=GLaDOS=] claims it was easy - all you had to do was pull a lever. Since you actually had to ''press a button'', Wheatley tries to correct her... and gets shocked again.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' He he he. I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.

* While Wheatley fails horribly at running the facility.
-->'''Wheatley:''' Sorry about the lift. It's, uh... out of service. Because it melted.
** As well as pretty much everything after that until you arrive at the next test:
--->'''Wheatley:''' Might as well give you the tour. To your left... you'll see [[BuffySpeak some lights of some kind]]. Don't know what they do, but very sciencey anyway. And to your right... something huge... hurtling towards y--''[[ExplainExplainOhCrap OH GOD, RUN, THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE]]''!\\
''[a testing chamber almost crashes into Chell, but stops just short]''\\
'''Wheatley:''' Are you alright back there? Here, I'll turn the beam off.\\
''[the excursion funnel turns off, dropping Chell through the roof of an office]''\\
'''Wheatley:''' WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT, OH NO NO, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL! Rrrgh! I don't know why I thought that would ''help''!
** Heck, just the whole ambiance of everything falling apart makes it even funnier. As you progress more through the chambers, more things fall apart right in front of you, lights flicker and walls are peeled, and it just gets funnier when he tries in vain to sweep away all the debris and just write it off as a fluke every single time. And then of course there's him very hastily wedging chambers together and just breaking even ''more'' things in the process. It's the perfect kind of SceneryGorn combined with SugarWiki/VisualEffectsOfAwesome that really sells how incompetent he is at running the place.
* [=GLaDOS=]' reaction to Wheatley's attempts to foreshadow your incoming death trap.
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore. Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.\\
''*Wheatley drops a pipe filled with Conversion Gel in the hallway Chell was currently walking through, smashing a hole through the floor and getting Gel on everything*''\\
'''Wheatley:''' Sorry! Butterfingers!\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Either way, I get the impression that he's about to kill us.
* Smash all of Wheatley's monitors when you get to the rooms [=GLaDOS=] built. Vandalism = Hilarity. Some of Stephen Merchant's finest adlibbing.

* It's a bit of [[ComedicSociopathy cruel humor]], but when blue repulsion gel is applied to turrets, the confused noises they make as they bounce helplessly into the air are quite funny.
* Wheatley's first attempt at a test chamber, with the word "test" on the wall and an extremely simple puzzle. The commentary confirms that it's mocking the first test chamber a lot of people build, even before the Perpetual Testing Initiative came out.
** Even better, he makes Chell go through it twice to try and get the euphoric test response again, only to discover it doesn't work. Given [[ICantBelieveItsNotHeroin the context]], this is roughly equivalent to a smoker trying to make a new cigarette out of the contents of his ashtray.

--> "[=I need a HUG=]"* There's a device that builds turrets, boxes them, and sends them away? But they never get around to being shipped away. They are sent to a second machine that unboxes them and most of the time even ''disassembles them to send the parts back so they can make more turrets''.

[[folder:Co-Op]]
* [=GLaDOS=]' reactions to you killing yourself in the co-op hub.
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test!
** Die enough times in the hub and she adds:
---> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:I honestly never thought we would need to track how many times you died in the hub.]]
* [=GLaDOS=] reacting to P-body and Atlas performing gestures in front of her cameras in Co-Op.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Now you're thinking with ''stupidity''.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Now you're just not thinking!\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Yes, I see you and no, I don't care.\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' You're going to hurt yourself doing that, and then I will be ''ecstatic''.
** She might also decide to let you in on an interesting tidbit: originally, Aperture used the cameras to capture moments of intense agony in test subjects. [[BlackComedy Survivors had the option to purchase photos the camera took for $5, while families of dead test subjects got the photos free of charge.]] [[SarcasmMode For some reason, the photos weren't very popular and ended up being discontinued...]]
* Another [=GLaDOS=] line from co-op.
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Please note "points" refer to Science Collaboration Points, rather than points from competitions such as Who Gets To Live At The End And Who Doesn't. I mean, basketball.
* The last puzzle in the hard-light surfaces co-op course. P-body and Atlas fling themselves at the same time and ''slam into each other'' to stop themselves right above a platform.
* DummiedOut line from co-op: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57lVjxOTr-M&feature=related [=GLaDOS=] reads a]] ''ComicStrip/{{Garfield}}'' comic and decides to give it her own... special touches.
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7tjd5Tr8nw following co-op video]] makes [=GLaDOS=]' automated response in that chamber much funnier.
* The wording of the following line from [=GLaDOS=] isn't what's funny... it's that she sounds so ''utterly dejected'' as she says it that you can't help but laugh.
--> "One of my best tests and they let plants grow here. Can you believe this? You can't test plants. We tried."
* "You saved science!" Doubles as heartwarming, since this is pretty much the only time we see [=GLaDOS=] genuinely happy with something.
* The end of the fourth Mass and Velocity chamber. Usually the droppers only drop a single Edgeless Safety Cube. This one drops ''four''. Then [=GLaDOS=] pipes in:
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Commence juggling test in 3... 2... 1...
* If one of the characters accidentally kills another one during Co-Op, sometimes [=GLaDOS=] will provide the following observation:
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Orange/Blue just taught Blue/Orange a valuable lesson in trust.
* [=GLaDOS=] manages to get in an ILied moment.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? ILied.
* If one co-op partner dances in front of a camera, [=GLaDOS=] says:
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' DANCING IS ''NOT'' SCIENCE.
** Made funnier when you realize [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dance_science she's not only wrong]], but there's a parallel Aperture Laboratories in a universe [[http://i1.theportalwiki.net/img/d/dc/Cave_Johnson_dlc2_0430_altcave_dance_police01.wav that requires dancing even as a part of science.]]
* The final segment of the Excusion Funnels chapter involves setting up hard light bridges to block turret sightlines so you can pass through unharmed. The last of these puzzles has you put a hard light barrier across a turret conveyor belt, knocking over the turrets that try to pass through it. It becomes darkly humorous when, in addition to the usual shenanigans of a turret getting knocked over, it ''explodes'' when it gets crushed between its platform and the hard light barrier.
* The "Peer Review" DLC, which is guaranteed to require surgery after you damage your sides laughing uncontrollably.
** [=GLaDOS=] has plenty of good lines, but this stands out.
--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Let's see... "Turning Softbodies Into Hardened Killing Machines", page 70... Ah. *ahem* "[[Film/FullMetalJacket How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high]]." Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet, five inches, and I]] ''[[AC:AM]]'' [[AC:aware of it. "Test subject, I've been told that [[YourMom your mother-]]" Mmm. Well, that's just disgusting. Do the training, while I look at this.
*** If you die a few times in that chamber, [=GLaDOS=] keeps flicking through the book...
---->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': "[[Creator/WaltDisney If you can dream it, you can]]"-oh, ''for God's sake.''
*** Or occasionally, she'll ask the player "Don't - you - die - on - me." Made even better as earlier in the year, Valve [[http://teamfortress.com/post.php?id=5816 admitted]] to wanting to use this trope in some of their other games...
** [=GLaDOS=] has a few good quotes if you die in another chamber as well...
--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[DoingItForTheArt The subtext of that pit is acid.]] The content of the pit is also acid. [[QuipToBlack I'll let you fully absorb it]].\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Remember, these exhibits are interactive; like a children's museum. The pits are also filled with real deadly acid; like a [[BlackComedy well-funded children's museum.]]
** Not to mention, the "night vision" section. "Night vision on!"
*** "NIGHT VISION OFF! NIGHT VISION OFF!"
** The ending cutscene. Dear god, the ending cutscene. This is the part that will require surgery.
*** The entire campaign it sounds like you're in for a boss fight against a prototype of [=GLaDOS=] that had managed to reactivate. Nope. It was a crow that has perched itself on a nonsentient prototype and is randomly pecking at keys to cause the disruptions.
*** Specific high point, [=GLaDOS's=] reaction to finding that the bird has laid eggs:
---->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': You know, shooing that bird out the facility [[CallBack just taught me a valuable l--]] [[MoodWhiplash Oh my god, she's gestating a clone army!]]
*** Coupled with ATLAS approaching the crow commando-style and P-Body's anguished scream when he does. The best part is ATLAS finishing up that motion by simply shooing the crow away.
*** And when it's all said and done, ATLAS is standing there with his hands on his hips, likely thinking "Oh yeah, I'm awesome."
** The fact that [=GLaDOS=] managed to kill all the humans you found within a week in order to kill a simple crow is [[BlackComedy unbelievably hilarious]].
** The way that all three of them completely freak out when they see the bird, especially [=GLaDOS=], who (unusually) totally loses all composure and panics. Of course, the bird isn't doing anything to provoke this reaction, which just makes it better.
** In the first half of chamber 05, you'll pass by several enclosed offices. In one of them is a turret sitting at a desk. [[BrickJoke Looks like they really did decide to start hiring robots]].
* When you destroy your partner in Co-Op, [=GLaDOS=] has the following lines:
** First Kill: "You have taught your partner about the folly of trusting others. +10 points."
** Second Kill: "I think your partner understands already. -6 points."
** Third Kill: "Now you're just being cruel. ''+50'' points."
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Perpetual Testing Initiative]]
* The entire premise. Cave basically says you're in an alternate universe because it's far cheaper letting other worlds pay for test construction.
** One of the trailers shows they're actually ''tricking'' alternate universes into building their chambers by sneaking in and swapping the blueprints.
* Pretty much [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPWs6ioNZoI all of Cave's lines]] from the Perpetual Testing Initiative, but particularly his little war with "Dark Cave".
** "[laughter] Oh, Dark Cave, you are the only one around here who gets me."
* "[...] Let me tell ya' we picked up real bunch of smart-alecks to give mind powers to. ''[taps mic]'' Hey! Stop blowing up heads! Actually, you know what? Negotiation's over. I'd like you all to meet Terry, he's gonn-- '''[BOOM]''' Oh, real funny, guys. But the joke's on you! I taped all your paychecks to Terry's head. Ha! WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD AND BLOW IT UP!?"
* "So, who is ready to make love to a giant bird?"
* Cave trying to push you to kill the other Caves, even thought it can destroy the multiverse. [-License-to-kill.-]
* "Just wanna let the cafeteria staff know to lay off the Film/SoylentGreen. I'm holding a memo from the President, and it turns out that soylent green is... [paper rustling] let's see here... ''[[BaitAndSwitch doubling in price]]''. Listen, I don't care how good people tastes. This stuff is costing us more than lobster, so we're going back to fish sticks."
* [[Franchise/RoboCop Robot-a]][[BlandNameProduct -Cop]].
-->'''Cave''': You are the world's first half-man, half-machine police officer. ''[{{beat}}]'' Well, first ''batch''. There was a pretty big shootout. Bought all your carcasses off the mayor.\\\
'''Cave:''' Come in Robot-a-Cop, it's your [[DaChief Chief]]. First, you're a damn good cop. Second, you're a [[CowboyCop loose cannon]]! Alright, that's probably enough motivation...\\\
'''Cave:''' Greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks of your former life. Don't sweat it, those aren't yours. Due to a software problem, that's a real-time feed of Greg's current life. He's a sad little man.
* Warden Cave subverting the AirVentEscape trope.
* Mantis Cave is either this or pure NightmareFuel.
--> [[CallBack "Those of you who volunteered to be injected with homo-sapien DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of man-mantises. Pick up a set of foreleg spurs, meso-thorax armor and tubercle sheaths. You'll know when the test starts."]]
* Space Cave. Just Space Cave.
-->'''Cave:''' It's come to my attention that over half of our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that we're testing in space. So there it is: No conspiracy. No twist. We're in a test satellite orbiting the Earth. Commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if you'd bothered to ask. Please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret, because it's that we're in space.\\
'''Cave:''' Another adventure party smashed through the hull to learn the big mystery. Guess they were busy doing that instead of testing, because I've mentioned we're in space every half hour. By the way: Still in space.\\
'''Cave:''' Let's all give a big hand to the test subjects of Sphere Eighteen for bravely uncovering the company-wide conspiracy, which is that there's no air in space. Once again: We're in space. It's not a secret. I am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows in this thi-[interrupted by alarm buzzer] ''Sigh...''
* Warden Cave, learning the hazards of {{Force Field Door}}s when the power goes out.
-->'''Cave''': You know what would have been better? ''Regular doors'' with locks. Locks that don't open when the ''power'' goes out.[...] Still though, a door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would've at least slowed them down for a second.
* When you get the chance, stare into a portal where you'd be able to see yourself from it. Your character is so nondescript that they're rendered as a stickman from the demonstration trailers. Either that or they're from the stick-figure universe.
* [[http://i1.theportalwiki.net/img/2/2c/Cave_Johnson_dlc2_0560_altcave_hobo_king01.wav Hobo Cave:]]
-->'''Cave''': So grab a bowl of slumgullion and a glass of sterno, and let me introduce myself. I'm Michigan Slim Cave Johnson. [harmonica riff] ''I'm the hobo king!''
* "That shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely Blark-Barg, my assistant. She's the backbone of this facility. Sorry fellas, she's married -- to producing seeds that germinate and detach from her exoskeleton at high speeds in search of human hosts! [Beat] We keep her behind glass."
* [[{{Portmanteau}} Blaperture]] [[VideoGame/HalfLife Mesa]], in all of its TakeThat glory. [[note]]It does have a basis within the game storyline given the shared universe of VideoGame/HalfLife and Portal, Cave was pretty confident that the only reason they were losing money was because Black Mesa stole so much of their research. Now you know.[[/note]]
--> '''Cave:''' They tell me you people are conducting [[VideoGame/HalfLife1 some anomalous materials research that could result in a resonance cascade]], so I'm shutting that down before you [[TooDumbToLive idiots]] end the world. [[WhoWouldBeStupidEnough A resonance cascade. You're supposed to be scientists! Use some common sense!]]
* The universe where Nice Cave uses "Chariots" for no reason, and how Cave Prime is obviously annoyed by him, and says he'll use "Chariots, chariots". Then it's "Chariots, chariots, chariots", while Dark Cave uses "Asparagus."
-->"Chariots Chariots Chariots. Dark Cave here. Listen, you find the moneyverse, you bring it to me. I'll take care of you. You want to be promoted to head of testing? Done. You want your asparagus rations doubled? I'll pull some strings. You want all the methane you can breathe? Not a problem. Remember: Moneyverse. Dark Cave. Asparagus. Lots of it. Enough said."
* The [=CaveDOS=] universe bit had his moments, from "Blackula or Latin Frankenstein", to " Greg and the boys are no longer working here."
** [=CaveDOS=] rewriting the entire literary canon of the human race to include more Franchise/{{Ghostbusters}}.
--> '''[=CaveDOS=]:''' Pure Intellect Cave here. Not to brag, but while you were cat-assing that last test, I rewrote the collective works of everything ever. If I gotta read this garbage for eternity, I might as well improve it. So next time you curl up with a time-honored classic and think to yourself, "Man, I do not remember the Brothers Karamazov busting so many ghosts," you can thank yours truly.
--> '''[=CaveDOS=]:''' Here's a question for you: Who is not afraid of no ghosts? [beep] As of just now, every character in every book by Virginia Woolf. Man, those things were dull.\\
'''[=CaveDOS=]:''' Stumbled on a book about a fella who lived thousands of years ago. Sacrificed himself to save mankind. [[BaitAndSwitch Went by the name of Hercules.]]
** "Cave Johnson here, you know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to scratch my nose."
* "Anyway, this Earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out. [{{beat}}] Right after this test."
* "I'm Cave Johnson. I'm host to a tiny but powerful demon who lives in a secret place in my mouth."
* Cat Johnson.
* Cave ordering his test subjects to be on the lookout for any alternate dimensions that happen to be made entirely of money, then after a pause, he clarifies he's only interested in ones made of US currency.
-->"You find a Peso-verse, you just keep walking"
* The Invasion of the (non-threatening) Body Snatchers bit:
-->"Quick update on all those pods we were finding in broom closets. Apparently some alien monster was body-snatching employees and spawning Communist replicas. The ''allegorical'' threat level on this one's through the roof. ''Actual'' threat level's pretty non-existent, though, so we've decided not to do anything about it. If the worst this thing can do is gestate glassy-eyed Yes Men, I say bring it on, Bug-Eyes! I got a whole list of troublemakers you can pod up any time you like."‎
* "Maybe someday we'll achieve man's ultimate dream: to evolve into pillars of pure salt. Can't wait. [{{beat}}] So salty."
* "You all enjoyed a good chuckle at Cave's expense when I started monitoring for parallel universe invasions. You all tried to stop me when I tried to garnish your wages to build defenses against said invasion. Succeeded too."
* Cave mentions a bunch of giant killer ants invading the country and attacking the Kentucky sugar reserve, but then it just turns out to be a movie Cave Prime saw and didn't want people spoiling the ending for him.
* [[LadyLand Cavina Johnson and Sally Sue Greg]]. Who are [[MostDefinitelyNotAVillain certainly not]] just Cave and his assistant trying to fool the ruling matriarchy.
* Dancing Cave would like to remind you that the Dance Police will come if you aren't dancing.
* "I ''see'' you. I see your little ''feeet.'' I'm gonna cut off your little hair, and put it on your feet, and eat your little hair. [{{beat}}] Oh, and feet. Mmmmm numnumnumnumnumnum."
* "Come on, Greg, I told you not to let your creepy kid in my office. No, I'm sorry Greg, but there's something wrong with that kid. Why's she whisper all time? Man, that kid's creepy."
* When an alternate Cave's universe sounds like a bad action movie from TheEighties:
-->"Hello, test subject. As you are no doubt aware, the President is being held hostage inside the giant super-prison on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. Every science facility in America has been tasked with producing a Tough Guy capable of breaking into [[TheAlcatraz Super]][[{{Portmanteau}} Max]][[{{Atlantis}} Lantis]]. That's where YOU come in. [[BaitAndSwitchComment I'm nominating myself and I'm gonna need some references.]] A test associate should be around soon to get a quote off you, so be as glowing as possible."
* Do you have a "Greg" in your dimension? Do you want one? Ha ha! Greg come back! I wouldn't send you to Dark Cave Earth! [{{beat}}] I would, Greg is on the table....
* Cave feuding with Dark!Cave, and getting pissed Dark!Cave wants ''you'' to find the Moneyverse. Then someone else does and YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness.
* At one point Dark Cave pushes a ''solid block of pee'' into your universe from the portal, which doesn't fit back the other way around. Cave Prime's solution? Melt it with hair dryers. He also notes that if you come across a universe where people eat nothing but asparagus, that's probably where Dark Cave lives.[[note]]If you've never eaten asparagus before, it gives urine a distinct smell.[[/note]] [[BrickJoke A later line from Dark Cave does confirm that asparagus makes up a signifigant portion of their diets.]]
* "Just a heads-up that our research into stopping all the Godzilla attacks on U.S. soil has been postponed indefinitely. Turns out it doesn't matter where you hatch a nest full of Godzillas, [[TokyoIsTheCenterOfTheUniverse they just make a beeline straight for Tokyo.]] ''[chuckles]'' Shoulda seen those things go."
* The ''Film/LogansRun''-esque universe where everyone is executed at a certain age...but the only person at Aperture who qualifies is someone who's over ninety.
[[/folder]]

* At the start of the game:

* "Well, have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world. I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up 15 acres of broken glass. ''By myself.''"
* The automated announcements:

** The hilariously thoughtless approach to mental stimulation:
--->"This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art."\\
''BZZZZ! tick tick tick tick tick''\\
"You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you do not feel mentally reinvigorated, reflect briefly on this classical music."\\
''Brief clip of classical mu--BZZZZZ!''\\
"Now return to bed."

* At the start of the game:
--> '''Wheatley:''' "I'm going to try a manual over-ride on the wall." (''rams Chell's room into the wall'')
** Even better: The wall that he thinks is a docking station has written on it '''[[CantYouReadTheSign "DOCKING STATION - 500M DOWN".]]'''
*** Even better: he ''can'' read signs. He's just afraid of heights.
* At the first turret-chamber:
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': This next test involves turrets. You remember those, right? The pale spherical things full of bullets. ...No wait. [[YouAreFat That's you]] [[MoreDakka in five seconds.]] Good luck!
* After you finish the second test...
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. Seriously. That's what it says. A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
* Bird hate isn't exclusive to [=GLaDOS=]:
--> '''Wheatley''': ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2kNwgckIXE "BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD"]]''

* Wheatley speaks Spanish:
-->''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Chswpnzmck Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual.]]''
** It gets even more hilarious in [[https://youtu.be/x4RKEe7YCTI?t=68 the Spanish version,]] where it's inverted and the error phrase is said in English:
--->''[[BilingualBonus It seems you are using this translation tool incorrectly. Please, check the manual.]]"
* "Sarcasm self test complete!" "[[AC:Oh good, that's back online.]]"
* Near the beginning of chapter one.
-->'''Wheatley''': Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'."\\
'''[Space]/[[UsefulNotes/{{Xbox 360}} A]]/[[UsefulNotes/PlayStation3 (Triangle)]]: Speak'''\\
'''Wheatley''': Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just jumped. But never mind. Say 'Apple'. Aaaapple.\\
'''[Space]/[[UsefulNotes/{{Xbox 360}} A]]/[[UsefulNotes/PlayStation3 (Triangle)]]: [[SchmuckBait Say apple]].'''\\
'''Wheatley''': Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight."
** If you stick around, Wheatley has quite a few hilarious things to say about that apple...

* "This next test chamber was apparently designed by one of Aperture's Nobel Prize Winners. It doesn't say what the Nobel Prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for being immune to neurotoxin."

* The scene where Wheatley argues with a nanobot worker named Jerry, shown [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWoeK8mzHQo here]] in all its glory and transcribed below:
-->'''Wheatley:''' Hey, how's it going? I talked my way onto the old nanobot worker crew rebuilding this shaft. They are really small.\\
''[to someone offscreen]'' Oh, I know Jerry. No I'm on a break, mate, on a break.\\
''[back to Chell]'' Ow! Just hang in there for five more...\\
''[to Jerry again]'' What, Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, Jerry, or maybe your prejudiced work site should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer. See you in court mate.
* On the path to the Neurotoxin:
-->'''Wheatley:''' I'm absolutely guaranteeing you 100% that it's this way. (''he goes down one path, only to re-emerge a second later.'') No, it's not this way.
** Bonus points for instinctively following him.

* The turret redemption line. The defective turrets are already listed under General, but the good turrets get their own moments in this area.
--> "[=WheeeeeeeeOHNOOO!!=]"
** Turret redemption lines are not rides. Please exit the turret redemption line.
** Just before the start of the Redemption Line, there's an office full of coffee mugs. Some of them are quite amusing.
--> "[=I need a HUG=]"
* And the insults continue...
--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.' Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In ''fashion!'' From ''France!''
* If you zoom in on the volcano science fair project, you can read what it says.
-->'''Problem''': Can you make a baking soda volcano that is as cool as a real volcano?\\
'''Conclusion''': It is not as cool but at least it cannot catch on fire.
* Some of the defective turrets say some pretty funny stuff considering the standard they're supposed to meet:
-->[Turrets have to shoot a target]\\
'''Normal Turret''': Target acquired! ''[shoots]''\\
'''Broken Turret''': ''[click]'' Uh. ''Blam! Blam blam blam!'' I'm not defective!\\
'''Broken Turret''': ''[click]'' Well, gave it all I could! Can't ask for more than that!\\
[Turrets have to meet scanner standards]\\
'''Template Turret''': Hello?\\
'''Broken Turret''': C'mon, Coach! You gotta put me in the game!\\
[Broken turret accepted after scanner is sabotaged]\\
'''Broken Turret''': So... we're all supposed to be blind, right? Not just me? Alright, fantastic!
** Also, if you wait while after Wheatley opened the door:
--->'''Wheatley''': Oh! Good news! (BOOM) Never mind!
* You find a door labeled "[=GLaDOS=] Emergency Shutdown and Cake Dispensary. Keep Unlocked." Turns out, it was just a [[RealFakeDoor fake door]] used to lure you into a trap, and the walls start closing in on you. The funny bit is what [=GLaDOS=] says as they do.
-->[=GLaDOS=]: I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
** Even funnier is the fact that, once you're where you can see the sign, there's nothing else you can do except open the door. [=GLaDOS=] could've just had the walls close in as soon as you landed, but apparently decided to wait and see if you'd fall for it.
** There is also literally nothing else you can do in the "room" except try the door, and nothing will happen until you do. The computer really will go out of her way to engineer situations just to have an excuse to passive-aggressively belittle your intelligence.
* There's a device that builds turrets, boxes them, and sends them away? But they never get around to being shipped away. They are sent to a second machine that unboxes them and most of the time even ''disassembles them to send the parts back so they can make more turrets''.
* Wheatley's ghost story.
-->'''Wheatley''': They say that at night you can still hear the screams. Of their replicas. All of them functionally indistinguishable from the originals. No memory of the incident, nobody knows what they're screaming about. ''Spooky''. Though obviously not paranormal, in any meaningful way.
** Gets better when you realize that there actually ''is'' a room full of screaming robots. [=GLaDOS=] built it for a laugh.
* Wheatley's attempt to hack the neurotoxin generator, if you just stand around watching.
-->'''Wheatley''': Now, what's the floor doing? You know what? It's holding everything up!

* After Wheatley's second major test, [=GLaDOS=] gets the idea of taking advantage of the NoFairCheating system and [[InsaneTrollLogic fools Wheatley]] into giving the correct solution again, just to laugh at his plight.

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Let's see... "Turning Softbodies Into Hardened Killing Machines", page 70... Ah. *ahem* "[[Film/FullMetalJacket How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high]]." Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet, five inches, and I]] ''[[AC:AM]]'' [[AC:aware of it. "Test subject, I've been told that [[YourMom your mother]]"- Mmm. Well, that's just disgusting. Do the training, while I look at this.

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Let's see... "Turning Softbodies Into Hardened Killing Machines", page 70... Ah. "[[Film/FullMetalJacket How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high]]." Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet, five inches, and I]] ''[[AC:AM]]'' [[AC:aware of it. "Test subject, I've been told that [[YourMom your mother]]"... Mmm. Well, that's just disgusting. Do the training, while I look at this.

* After Wheatley's second major test, [=GLaDOS=] gets the idea of taking advantage of the NoFairCheating system and [[Troll fools Wheatley]] into giving the correct solution again, just to laugh at his plight.

* After Wheatley's second major test, GLaDOS gets the idea of taking advantage of the NoFairCheating system and [[Troll fools Wheatley]] into giving the correct solution again, just to laugh at his plight.
-->'''GLaDOS: Thanks. All we had to do was pull that lever.
-->'''Wheatley: What?! Well, no, you just push the-! AAAAARGH!
-->'''GLaDOS: Hehehehehehehe. I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.

* "Warning! Neurotoxin has reached dangerously unlethal levels!" (Neurotoxin pipe crumples up and makes the entire machine collapse)

* "[...] Let me tell ya' we picked up real bunch of smart-alecks to give mind powers to. ''[taps mic]'' Hey! Stop [[Film/{{Scanners}} blowing up heads]]! Actually, you know what? Negotiation's over. I'd like you all to meet Terry, he's gonn-- '''[BOOM]''' Oh, real funny, guys. But the joke's on you! I taped all your paychecks to Terry's head. Ha! WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD AND BLOW IT UP!?"

* "[...] Let me tell ya' we picked up real bunch of smart-alecks to give mind powers to. ''[taps mic]'' Hey! Stop blowing up heads! Actually, you know what? Negotiation's over. I'd like you all to meet Terry, he's gonn-- '''[BOOM]''' Oh, real funny, guys. But the joke's on you! I taped all your paychecks to Terry's head. Ha! WHY DON'T YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR HEAD AND BLOW IT UP!?"

--> [[AC:One of my best tests and they let plants grow here. Can you believe this? You can't test plants. We tried.]]
* [[AC:"You saved science!"]] Doubles as heartwarming, since this is pretty much the only time we see [=GLaDOS=] genuinely happy with something.

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': (''clearly annoyed'') [[AC:Look, metal-ball. I ''can'' hear you.]]\\

** Once the stalemat happens:

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I ''am'' making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.

** Less funny in retrospect, as she may well be reliving her last moments as Caroline being restrained for whatever process was used to change her...

* [[AC:Well, have fun soaring through the air without a care in the world. I have to go to the wing that was made entirely of glass and pick up 15 acres of broken glass. ''By myself.'']]

--=->"''At the time of this recording, federal disclosure regulations require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal, and to redirect you to a safer test environment. We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.''"

* Any of [=GLaDOS=]'s lines about Chell's weight. [[AC:[[FalseReassurance You look great, by the way. Very healthy.]]]]
** Then when Wheatley starts doing it. [[AC:[[HypocriticalHumor Look at her, you moron. She's not fat.]]]] Even better: [[AC:And... what exactly is wrong with being adopted?]] Which she immediately spoils by whispering [[AC:Just for the record: you ARE adopted AndThatsTerrible. Just work with me.]]
** [[AC:Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.]]
* Stepping on a defective Aerial Faith Plate causes her to say it's due to Chell's weight, and she'll add some zeroes to its maximum capacity, followed by [[UpToEleven seven "zero" beeps.]]
** Even better, in assuming she wasn't bluffing, and that the max weight prior was about 200 pounds, that means [=GLaDOS=] bumped the max weight to ''2 billion pounds''
** Also, the name "aerial faith plate?" "I believe I can fly" indeed...

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:I was getting so lonely down there. It's so good to hear somebody else's voice. [[ILied I'm kidding]], [[HeroicMime of course]]. ''GOD'' I hate you.]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:How can you fail at this? It isn't even a test!]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Now you're thinking with ''stupidity''.]]\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Now you're just not thinking!]]\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Yes, I see you and no, I don't care.]]\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:You're going to hurt yourself doing that, and then I will be ''ecstatic''.]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Please note "points" refer to Science Collaboration Points, rather than points from competitions such as Who Gets To Live At The End And Who Doesn't. I mean, basketball.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Commence juggling test in 3... 2... 1...]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Orange/Blue just taught Blue/Orange a valuable lesson in trust.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Remember when I told you that you were the only subjects to pass the calibration tests? ILied.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:DANCING IS ''NOT'' SCIENCE.]]

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Let's see... "Turning Softbodies Into Hardened Killing Machines", page 70... Ah. "[[Film/FullMetalJacket How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high]]." Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median height of seven feet, five inches, and I]] ''[[AC:AM]]'' [[AC:aware of it. "Test subject, I've been told that [[YourMom your mother]]"... Mmm. Well, that's just disgusting. Do the training, while I look at this.]]

---->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:"[[Creator/WaltDisney If you can dream it, you can]]"-oh,]] ''[[AC:for God's sake.]]''
*** Or occasionally, she'll ask the player [[AC:"Don't - you - die - on - me."]] Made even better as earlier in the year, Valve [[http://teamfortress.com/post.php?id=5816 admitted]] to wanting to use this trope in some of their other games...

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:[[DoingItForTheArt The subtext of that pit is acid.]] The content of the pit is also acid. [[QuipToBlack I'll let you fully absorb it]].]]\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC: Remember, these exhibits are interactive; like a children's museum. The pits are also filled with real deadly acid; like a [[BlackComedy well-funded children's museum.]]]]
** Not to mention, the "night vision" section. [[AC:"Night vision on!"]]
*** [[AC:"NIGHT VISION OFF! NIGHT VISION OFF!"]]

*** The entire campaign it sounds like you're in for a boss fight against a prototype of [=GLaDOS=] that had managed to reactivate.Nope. It was a crow that has perched itself on a nonsentient prototype and is randomly pecking at keys to cause the disruptions.

---->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:You know, shooing that bird out the facility [[CallBack just taught me a valuable l--]][[MoodWhiplash Oh my god, she's gestating a clone army!]]]]

** First Kill: [[AC:You have taught your partner about the folly of trusting others. +10 points.]]
** Second Kill: [[AC:I think your partner understands already. -6 points.]]
** Third Kill: [[AC:Now you're just being cruel. ''+50'' points.]]

-->"''If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: testing is the future and the future starts with you.''"\\

--->"''This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in 3...2...1...''"

--->"''At the time of this recording, federal disclosure regulations require us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal, and to redirect you to a safer test environment. We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by playing some more smooth jazz.''"

-----> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is ''looking pretty good.'']]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Oh. It's ''you''.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:It's been a long time. How have you been?]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:I've been reeeeeeeeally busy being dead. You know, after you ''murdered me''.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Look...we both said a lot of things that ''you'' are going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. ForScience. [[YouMonster You]] [[YouMonster Monster]].]]

* "[[AC:[[NotSoDifferentRemark We're a lot alike, you and I.]] You tested me, I tested you. You killed me, I... oh, no wait, I guess I ''haven't'' killed you yet. Well, food for thought.]]"

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:This next test involves turrets. You remember those, right? The pale spherical things full of bullets. ...No wait. [[YouAreFat That's you]] [[MoreDakka in five seconds.]] Good luck!]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. Seriously. That's what it says. A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:[[ILied I made it all up.]] Surprise.]]

--->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what: let's give your parents a call, right now.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Oh, that's ''sad''. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.]]

* When Wheatley turns evil, this quote stands out.
--> [=GLaDOS=]: [[AC:You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!]]
** And right before that, we have:
--->[=GLaDOS=]: [[AC:The engineers tried everything to make me...''behave''. To slow me down. Once, they even installed an Intelligence Dampening Sphere. It clung to my brain like a tumor, [[FelonyMisdemeanor generating an endless stream of terrible ideas]].]]
* Some of the stuff said when you don't react at all. For example, [=GLaDOS=] and Wheatley both arguing about switching the cores.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Do ''not'' put that little idiot in ''my'' mainframe!]]\\
'''Wheatley:''' Yes, ''you should'' put that little idiot into the mainframe!\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:''Don't'' do it.]]\\
'''Wheatley:''' Do do it!\\
'''Wheatley:''' Yes, that might be correct, but where it's ''incorrect'', is that while I've been stalling you WE JUST PRESSED THE BUTTON! Usethemomentofconfusionandpressthebutton.

* [[AC: This next test chamber was apparently designed by one of Aperture's Nobel Prize Winners. It doesn't say what the Nobel Prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for being immune to neurotoxin.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Well, I guess we could just sit here and glare at one another until somebody drops dead. But I've got a better idea! Say hello to your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath, and hold it.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:...I hate you ''so much.'']]

* [[AC:Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I ''am'' making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.' Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In ''fashion!'' From ''France!'']]

-->[=GLaDOS=]: [[AC: I honestly, TRULY didn't think you'd fall for that. In fact, I devised a much more elaborate trap further ahead for when you got through this easy one. If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.]]

* One of Wheatley's reactions during the boss fight with [=GLaDOS=], found slightly interrupted in [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eclIF6B4pHw this video]]. "PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! PULL ME OUT! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN! LEAVE ME IN!"
* As the core exchange process begins and Wheatley is lowered into the floor:
-->'''Wheatley:''' Wait, what if this hurts? What if this really hurts? Ah I didn't think of that.
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Oh it will. Believe me, it will.
-->'''Wheatley:''' Are you just saying that? Or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? You're just- no you're not, you're right- it is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we t-AAAAARRRRRGH!
* [=GLaDOS=]' {{Autotune}}d BigNo and screams in agony as she is being removed from the mainframe and Wheatley installed in her place.
** Less funny in retrospect, as she may well be reliving her last moments as Caroline being restrained for whatever process was used to change her...

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Oh hi. So, how are you holding up? ''BECAUSE [[ItMakesSenseInContext I'M A POTATO]]''.]]

--->[[AC:We're still going to figure out what the hell is going on here, but ''calmly''.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:'''[[AC: He's not just a regular moron, he's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. [[NiceJobBreakingItHero And you just put him in charge of the entire facility]].]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:'''[[AC: Good, that's still working.]]

-->[[AC:Oh. It's you. Go away. [[HaveYouComeToGloat Come to gloat?]] Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look. Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes. That's right. [[ARareSentence A potato just called your eyes fat.]] Now your fat eyes have seen everything.]]

-->[[AC:Ahg! Bird! Bird! Kill it! IT'S EVIL!]]

--->[[AC:Oh, hi. Say, you're good at murder. Could you - OW! - murder this bird for me!?]]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:I know things look bleak, but that crazy man down there was right. Let's not take these lemons! We are going to march right back upstairs and MAKE him put me back in my body! And he'll probably kill us, because he's incredibly powerful and I have NO plan!]] *Beat* [[AC:Wow. I'm not going to lie to you, [[MillionToOneChance the odds are a million to one]], and that's with some generous rounding. Still, though, lets get mad! If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity!]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' This. Sentence. Is. FALSE. ''(to herself)'' [-Don't think about it, don't think about it!-]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''(frustrated)'' It's a paradox! There ''is'' no answer.

* [[AC: I'm in space.]]
** I know you are, mate! Yep...we're both in space...
*** ''[[AC: Spaaaaaaaaaaace!]]''
* [[AC: Dad, I'm in space. [deep voice] I'm proud of you, son! [normal] Dad, are you space? [deep voice] Yes, now we are a family again!]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''' ''(exasperated)'' [[AC: Ohhh no, he's playing classical music...]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]''': [[AC:Well, this is the part where he kills us.]]\\

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:He he he. I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.]]

--> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Alright. He's not even trying to be subtle anymore. Or maybe he still is, in which case, wow, that's kind of sad.]]\\

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC: Either way, I get the impression that he's about to kill us.]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:These next tests require cooperation. Consequently, they've never been solved by a human. That's when you come in. You don't know pride. You don't know fear. You don't know anything. You'll be perfect.]]

---> [[AC:I'd ask you to think outside the box on this, but it's obvious your box is broken. [[{{Metaphorgotten}} And has schizophrenia.]]]]

'''Wheatley:''' What do you think?\\
'''Announcer:''' ''Interpreting vague answer as "yes."''\\

* At the start of the game

* Wheatley's ghost story. A

-----> '''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is ''looking pretty good'']]

'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[AC:Yes, I see you. No, I don't care.]]\\

** There is also literally nothing else you can do in the "room" except try the door, and nothing will happen until you do. The computer really will go out of her way to engineer situations just to have an excuse to belittle your intelligence.

** Less funny in retrospect, as [[spoiler:she may well be reliving her last moments as Caroline being restrained for whatever process was used to change her...]]

** While you and Wheatley duke it out, Wheatley tries to multitask by hacking into the Aperture mainframe again. He succeeds via brute force cracking, revealing that the password is, in actuality... [[spoiler:ABCDGH]].

* "[[AC:[[NotSoDifferent We're a lot alike, you and I.]] You tested me, I tested you. You killed me, I... oh, no wait, I guess I ''haven't'' killed you yet. Well, food for thought.]]"

* Wheatley's insistence on you turning around when he's 'hacking' something. But if you use portals to sneak a peek at when he's hacking the turret room, or just turn around fast enough to watch, you can see that the method he uses is less 'technical' and more [[PercussiveMaintenance 'physical']].

-->'''Cave Johnson:''' [[WhenLifeGivesYouLemons When life gives you lemons]], [[RageAgainstTheHeavens don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons!]] [[CrazyAwesome Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!]]\\

** And given Cave Johnson's [[CrazyAwesome track record]] up until that point, ''it is not out of the question for him to have created combustible lemons.''

* Anything said by [[CorruptCorporateExecutive Cave]] [[CrazyAwesome Johnson]], or [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL35k1rVmjs Rick the Adventure Sphere]].