History Funny / Left4Dead

--->'''Ellis:''' So we have to set up to [[AutobotsRockOut rock]], and then fight zombies. (beat) This is the best day of my life!"

-->'''Bill:''' Francis, is there anything you don't hate?
-->'''Francis:''' Know what I don't hate? I don't hate vests.

--->'''Rochelle:''' I hate those stairs.
--->'''Francis:''' I ''know''!!
--->'''Rochelle:''' I hate that bridge!
--->'''Francis:''' It's ''so stupid!''
--->'''Rochelle:''' I hate your vest!
--->'''Francis:''' [[{{beat}} ...]]''what now?'' Ugh. I don't think this is going to work out.

--->'''Francis:''' I hate stairs!
--->'''Bill:''' Amen!

--->''JUST BECAUSE IT'S THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S NO TIME TO FLUSH.''
--->''I flushed it 50 times, and now it DOESN'T WORK!''
--->''[[YouMonster You are the real monster.]]''

---> {{YOUR MOM}} IS A [[ShapedLikeItself MOM]]
---> So true.
---> She was a great mother.
---> Tough but fair.

--> '''Crazy Church Guy''': Who's out there!?
--> '''Francis''': Well let's see. I'm Francis, and that's Grandpa Bill, and [[SuddenlyShouting THERE'S ZOMBIES OUT HERE, OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!]]

-->"I ever tell you about the time [[FatalFireworks Keith and I made fireworks?]] Now, I didn't know shit about chemistry, but Keith figured "''gasoline'' burns, dudn'it?" '''[[AmusingInjuries Third-degree burns on]] ''[[AmusingInjuries 90%]]'' [[AmusingInjuries of his body.]]''' Man, people from the ''next city '''OVER''''' were callin' to complain about the smell of burnin' flesh!"
-->"I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper-car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? '''Mower-blade wounds on ''90%'' of his body.''' I didn't run him over, either; [[TooDumbToLive he somehow managed to fall underneath his own.]]"

--> '''Rochelle:''' It turns out, the reason the mall ''looks'' deserted is because it ''is'' deserted.

--> '''Nick:''' What do you know? We're gonna make it!\\

---> '''Coach''': '''[[CurseCutShort MOTHERF-]]'''

--> '''Ellis:''' Aw, c'mon Coach, that biker guy seemed nice.
--> '''Coach:''' He's probably stolen the [[CoolCar Jimmy Gibbs Jr.]] by now.
--> '''Ellis:''' He is a dead man. HE IS A DEAD MAN. Folks, New Orleans is gonna have to wait. We're gonna hunt that biker man down.
--> '''Rochelle:''' Gee thanks, Coach.

--> '''Francis''': Bullshit. Say "Bill's an idiot" in Japanese.\\
'''Louis''': ビルさんばかです。[[note]]"Bill-san baka desu"[[/note]]\\
'''Francis''': Nice!

--> '''Louis''': Riverside's a bust. Let's just head to the river.
--> '''Francis''': That's better than my plan.
--> '''Bill''': What was that?
--> '''Francis''': I didn't have one.

---> '''Ellis''': Let's find Jimmy Gibb's stock car. All we have to do is gas it and we'll drive out of here.
---> '''Nick''': Well it beats the hell out of my idea: [[DeadpanSnarker Staying here and dying in the mall.]]

---> '''Rochelle''': So, what do you think is going to kill us, the malaria, the swamp fever, the alligators, or the zombies?
---> '''Nick''': You're forgetting something. [[DeadpanSnarker From the way we've been shooting? Each other.]]

--> '''Francis''': I'm going to tear that bell down and shove it up your ass!
--> '''Bill''': The guy's nuttier than candy bar shit.
* The song ''Re: Your Brains'' was confirmed to be a jukebox song in Left 4 Dead 2.
** And when it gets played, it syncs perfectly with a zombie attack.

'''(Zombie Attack)'''

----> '''Ellis''': Holy shit guys, it's goddamn Kiddie Land!
---->'''Ellis''': We gotta run the '''Coaster'''? '''OH MY GOD, IT'S CHRISTMAS!'''

-->"Please lord, let the food court be okay."
-->"... Poor food court never stood a chance..."
-->"If I see a zombie running up to me with a sample tray, I ain't shootin' it..."

--->Rochelle: Dear lord, please have mercy on Coach and spare the food court.

--->'''Ellis''': So we have to set up to [[AutobotsRockOut rock]], and then fight zombies. (beat) This is the best day of my life!"

--->'''Ellis''': I was ''born'' ready, so ''yes''!

---> '''Onscreen Text''': Start the rock concert to signal the chopper.

---> '''Rochelle''': And that'll signal the chopper pilot! Coach, that's brilliant! I'm sorry about all the bad stuff I said about your crappy band.

-->'''Bill''': You call this a zombie apocalypse? It don't hold a candle to the great zombie attack of 1957.\\
'''Zoey''': What?\\
'''Bill''': Nah, just horse-shittin' ya.

-->'''Zoey''': Oh no! The zombies killed God!"

-->(Quietly) "Oh, shit. I think I grabbed diet cola, we better get outta here."
-->(Much louder, to Whitaker) "HEY THANKS MISTER!"

--> '''Nick''': [[SincerityMode I do not like that little peanut man]].

-->'''Nick''': I am breathing shit air into my lungs, it is being absorbed into my bloodstream. I am literally, full of shit.
-->'''Ellis''': Oh man, I found a candy bar! ({{Beat}}) Whoops. False alarm.

-->'''Nick''': I guess you could call this a [[Series/TheBeverlyHillbillies cement river]], Ellis.

---> Into the Swan Maintenence Room of Love!

--->'''Ellis''': Katana Sword of Love here.
--->'''Ellis''': Grabbing the Shotgun of Love!
--->'''Ellis''': Incendiary Ammo of Love here!

--->'''Nick, crawling through an air duct:''' This isn't very romantic.

---> '''Coach''': I don't remember the Tunnel of Love being this long. Guess I had other things on my mind...

--->'''Rochelle''': So when you came here, Nick, did they give you a smaller swan to ride on by yourself?
--->'''Rochelle''': I bet Nick remembers the Tunnel of Love being this long.

--->'''Zoey''': Did I ever tell you about the time when my buddy Ellis took a sports car and drove over some zombies?
--->'''Francis''': No, never heard that one before.

-->'''Francis''': Here they come! Zoey, just pretend they're all helicopter pilots!
-->'''Zoey''': Zombies, Francis! [[PunctuatedForEmphasis He. Was. A. ZOMBIE!]]

--->'''Ellis''': Nick, what the hell, you shot the pilot.
--->'''Nick''': Well he wasn't doing a very good job once he became a zombie, now, was he?
--->'''Ellis''': True, true, he was a zombie, but he was also our only pilot.
--->'''Nick''': I shot a zombie. He was a zombie, Ellis. He must have gotten bitten before he picked us up.

---->'''Francis:''' Did I get hit with a gun butt again?
---->'''Louis:''' Yup.
---->'''Francis:''' Was it the guys I told to cavity search each other?
---->'''Louis:''' That'd be them.
---->'''Francis:''' Makes sense.

---->'''Jeff:''' Does he know we can't hear him?
---->'''Annie:''' I'm guessing not.

--> '''Francis''': Louis, if you don't stop being positive, I'm gonna sink that boat just to make you sad!
--> '''Louis''': Thinking positive got me where I am today, Francis!
--> '''Francis''': About to die in a brick factory? Cause I'm about to do that too, and I got to complain about shit the whole time.

--> '''Francis''' (If Zoey sacrifices herself): [[BigNo Nooooo!]] You monsters! Take Louis instead!
--> '''Francis''' (If he sacrifices himself): Stay there! (Beat) Goddammit, it shoulda been Louis.
--> '''Francis''': Don't try to talk me out of this! (Beat) Anyone?
--> '''Francis:''' I hate suicide missions.

---> '''Louis''': Hey guys?! Remember when I said 'Don't come after me'?! [[ScreamsLikeALittleGirl OOOH GOOOOD!]]
---> '''Louis''': Hey guys?! Remember when I said 'Don't come after me'?! [[ThisIsGonnaSuck I was kidding! Can someone come get me?! HEEEEELP!]]

--> '''Cop:''' (unconvinced) Okay, officer. And why are you stealing a flatscreen TV?\\

'''Cop:''' (unconvinced) Uh-huh. And which crime would that be?\\

--> '''Francis''': I can't believe I'm saying this...but I think I wanna hang out with Louis!
--> '''Louis''': Really? Thanks, man!

-->'''Louis''': I can't believe we made it!
-->'''Bill''': Son, we just crossed the street. *lights cigarette* Let's not throw a party 'til we're out of the city.

--> '''Ellis:''' Hey Nick, what kind of car do you drive?
-->'''Nick:''' [[YourMom Your mom's car.]]
-->'''Ellis:''' See that was just uncalled for.

** This becomes even funnier when you read on the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrZdvW6BBkc Youtube text for the song]] that they only made it in order to avoid 30,000 hours of community service. Before that, they had refused to do a Christmas charity album for children because it "just makes 'em weak, man."

--> "Punk-ass bitch island, you better watch yo'self!"

-->'''Rochelle:''' This should be easy. We just gotta find some diesel.
-->'''Nick:''' Wanna hear my prediction?
-->'''Everyone:''' '''NO.'''

--> '''Coach''': Alright, alright. Here's the plan: We're gonna stroll across that bridge, and the army's gonna take care of us.
-->'''Nick:''' Or, they're gonna line us up against a wall and shoot us.
--> '''Coach''': Well you're free to make yourself a new life right here in this room, Nick.
--> ---
-->'''Nick:''' Before we run across this bridge right towards the people who've been dropping bombs on us, anyone wanna talk about a plan B?
-->'''Everyone (In order):''' Nope!
-->'''Nick:''' ''Laughs'' Alright, let's go.

-->'''Francis:''' Hey Louis, I don't think that's a Tank in there. I think it's a puppy. You should check it out.
-->'''Zoey:''' Hey Francis, guywhoopensthetraindoorsayswhat?

-->''Ellis (or Rochelle):'' Hey, Nick... splash fight?
-->''Nick:'' '''DON'T YOU DARE.'''/ '''[[BigNo NOO!!!]]'''

--> '''Coach''': ''(Winded as the group make their way up to an evac point)'' ''Who the hell... puts an evac station... up thirty flights of '''goddamn''' stairs?''\\
'''Nick''': C'mon Coach... maybe the helicopter... Maybe it's made of chocolate. (''He chuckles, Coach starts to do so too, [[HaHaHaNo but then shoots a]] DeathGlare)''

* This line when entering the Tunnel of Love
-->'''Coach''': Into the Tunnel of Love\\
'''Nick''': Tunnel of Love? Jesus Christ!

--> '''Nick''': I'm telling you the last goddamn time: Lower the goddamn bridge so we can get our goddamn car across, you greasy vest-wearing monkey!
--> '''Francis''': Bite me, Colonel Sanders!

--->'''Francis''': Goddamnit, where'd they buy this helicopter? At the ... uh... um... hold on...\\
'''Zoey''': The shitty pilot store?\\
'''Francis''': Yeah! Stupid helicopter.

--->'''Francis''': Wow! I love helicopters! I love 'em so much!\\
'''Zoey''': You what? [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness Francis, are you feeling alright]]?\\
'''Francis''': Whoa. Must have [[NonSequiturThud hit my head]] in the crash. I'm okay now. I hate helicopters.

--->'''Francis''': See? I told you. Helicopter crashed. We're not saved. We're all gonna die. Pay up.\\
'''Louis''': Francis, why would you bet that we're doomed?\\
'''Francis''': [[SkewedPriorities Cuz it's money in the bank]]. Remind me to explain gambling to you some time.

--->'''Louis''': Well boys, I guess we're walkin.\\
'''Francis''': I hate walking.\\
'''Louis''': But five minutes ago you hated flying.\\
'''Francis''': And it turns out I was right about that.

--> '''Rochelle''': (to herself) Motivated. Okay, we've got to get motivated. (to group) Hey Ellis, I heard that there's a stock car museum in New Orleans!
--> '''Ellis''': Get outta here! Alright!
--> '''Rochelle''': Coach, we make it to New Orleans, there's a cheeseburger museum!
--> '''Coach''': Oh, in my heart, I'm there already.
--> '''Rochelle''': Hey Nick, there's a--
--> '''Nick''': Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good.

--> '''Coach''': I SWEAR TO GOD YOU CAN'T SHOOT WORTH SHIT!
--> '''Coach''': OH, EXCUSE ME? '''EXCUUUUSE ME?!'''
--> '''Coach''': BOY, QUIT POINTIN' THAT THING MY WAY!
--> '''Coach''': There's gonna be some ''biblical'' shit happening to you if you do that again!
--> '''Coach''': Hey, Nick. That was my ass you shot.

-->'''Ellis''': Shoot the tank ya blind son of a bitch.\\
'''Coach''': DO I LOOK LIKE A TEN-FOOT MONSTER!?\\
'''Nick''': IT'S TWELVE-FEET TALL, SIX-FEET WIDE, HOW ARE YOU SHOOTING ME!?\\
'''Nick''': It's the size of a truck, how are you missing?

--> '''Coach:''' You can call me Coach. And I DO know how to shoot a gun.\\

--> '''Coach:''' ''(singing)'' Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around, dun-nun-na-na-na-na-na-nah!\\

** In the Dark Carnival finale on higher difficulties, a huge horde tends to spawn in one of the small bathrooms on the way to the arena.

** "Left 4 Mario". Who thought Super Mario Bros can be hilariously terrifying (or difficult?) Highlights include a moving platform in the third part where survivor bots are very easy to dead with, and the final escape being a question mark box where either Toad or the Princess should be housing a beanstalk ladder leading to the clouds

* After Coach suggests they use a rock concert to signal for rescue, Nick replies with "That's the stupidest plan I've ever agreed with."

* In one safe room, Francis and Louis find some graffiti scrawled in Japanese. Louis is able to translate it: "Taki, I love you. Goodbye." He explains that he interned in Japan.

'''Louis''': ビルさんばかです。[[note]]"Bill-san baka desu[[/note]]\\