History Funny / LawAndOrder

'''Arthur''':[[invoked]] [[WhatAnIdiot He confirmed that his client was telling the truth by taking a peek at the bodies?]]\\

* 6x05, "Hot Pursuit" has Briscoe and Curtis searching for a man and woman who killed several people in a short time frame. Upon being called to a corner store with two individuals resembling the couple, they find a couple...of frightened, Catholic school uniform-clad preteens who were detained by the cashier for stealing disposable cameras. The detectives were not pleased:

Then:\\
'''Woman''': He's dead and I did it. I knew exactly what I was doing.\\

* "Skate or Die" has two men that work with a skater called the "Bi-polar Roller", who continuously dances throughout his interrogation, and eventually skates through the police headquarters when he leaves. [[spoiler: He even skates away from Lupo when they try to arrest him AND IT WORKS.]]
** Half of the episode is the cast being baffled by the skating suspect, even [=McCoy=] having brevity in his confusion on the matter. No one seems to take the case all that seriously as a result. [[spoiler:[[MoodWhiplash Until they find DNA on his knife linking him to a serial killer spree,]] because of his years of unabated schizophrenia.]]

* 1x06, "Everybody's Favorite Bagman": A suspect is fleeing down an alleyway, with Greevey in pursuit. Logan is lying in wait around the corner, gun drawn, but reconsiders. He holsters the gun and clotheslines the suspect with a trash can lid instead.

-->'''Elizabeth Hendrick''': [[BlatantLies It's my hope chest]].
-->''Stone opens it up and pulls out an assortment of kink gear.''
-->'''Ben Stone''': ''(deadpan)'' What were you hoping ''for''?

--> '''Shambala Green''': I'm going for temporary insanity.
--> '''[[DeadpanSnarker Ben Stone]]''': Yours or your client's?

* 2x08, "Out of Control" has a good one from a college student. Mike Logan asks a question which is quite offensive and the rebuttal of the student is simply brilliant: "Do they give you guys insensitivity-seminars?", before she continues to explain.

-->'''Cragen''': You did ''what?''
-->'''Briscoe''': You're worried about the time, we'll dock ourselves a day.
-->'''Cragen''': I'm worried about you losin' your house and eatin' macaroni the next 20 years.
-->'''Briscoe''': I lost two houses already [[{{Unishment}} and I like macaroni.]]

--> '''Attorney''': This procedure is outrageous! I don't know how you can still look into a mirror.
--> '''Ben Stone''': I'm a Catholic; I can feel guilty about ''anything''.

--> '''Adam Schiff''': Young people get impatient with old people. Especially cantankerous ones.
--> '''Ben Stone''': Oh yeah? Speaking from personal experience?
--> '''[[GrumpyOldMan Adam Schiff]]''': ''(indignant)'' I'm a sweetheart. And I'm middle-aged.

--> '''Ben Stone''': Mr. Bregman, in all my years of prosecution, you are possibly the ''stupidest'' criminal I've ever met.

--> '''Lennie''': What the hell is that?
--> '''Mike''': Put the burrito down, señor.
--> '''Omar''': You, you, you dying!
--> '''Mike''': Only if I eat that thing.

-->'''Briscoe''': The report clearly said two suspects post-puberty.
-->''(they turn to leave)''
-->'''Cashier''': Well, are you going to take 'em in or what?
-->'''Briscoe''': ''(disgusted)'' Or what.

-->'''Curtis''': An art teacher? Who'd she ever hurt?
-->'''Briscoe''': Yeah, an [[EverybodyHatesMathematics algebra]] teacher I could understand.

* 7x05, "Corruption", where Jamie Ross and a few other detectives investigate a cop's locker, Jamie finds a lingerie catalog, and correctly deduces that a certain code on the catalog means that the cop has ordered from the company multiple times. When the detective suspiciously remarks that Jamie knows so much about the catalog, she points to a certain page - presumably with a scantily dressed model - and says, "I'm wearing '''this''' right now." Cue detective's shocked expression.
** When [=McCoy=] and Ross learn about the cartel dealer they're after, Hector Garcia, being within their reach via extradition from Mexico but only if they give a corrupt cop a slap on the wrist plea bargain for his testimony to get a warrant for it. [=McCoy=], both personally offended by said cop and damn determined to take him to court one way or another rather than let the bargain occur, is asked just how badly he wants Garcia. [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe His tone of voice says it all.]]

-->'''Defence Attorney:''' ''What''?!\\

--> '''Judge''': Bail's set at a million dollars.
--> '''Richard Billings''': ''(to Jamie)'' A million bucks? He must like the cut of your skirt.
--> '''Jamie''': ''(deadpan)'' From what I hear, he'd prefer yours.

--> '''Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers''': Right now, I've got to get a javelin out of somebody's chest.
--> '''Lennie Briscoe''': What made you go into this line of work?
--> '''Dr. Elizabeth Rodgers''': Free javelins.

-->'''Green''': Did you just hear a baby cry?
-->'''Briscoe''': [[BlatantLies Clear as day]]. Exigent circumstances!

-->'''Brother''': She was married to Reynaldo and cheating on him.
-->'''Green''': With ''you!''

-->'''Defense attorney''': She ran him over four times with her car.
-->'''Judge''': I admire her restraint.
-->Then:
-->'''Woman''': He's dead and I did it. I knew exactly what I was doing.
-->'''Judge''': I'm not supposed to give out personal opinions in the courtroom but I have to say, you make me proud to be an American.

-->'''Green''': We have a jumper.
-->'''Briscoe''': I may join him.

-->'''DA Arthur Branch''': Who is that stupid SOB anyway?
-->'''ADA Serena Southerland''': Ken Schwimmer, Legal Aid, and he isn't exactly stupid.
-->'''Arthur''': He listened when his client told him about fifteen other murders?
-->'''Serena''': Yes.
-->'''Arthur''': [[WhatAnIdiot He confirmed that his client was telling the truth by taking a peek at the bodies?]]
-->'''Serena''': ...Yes.
-->'''Arthur''': Ok, what's dumber than stupid?

--> '''Van Buren:''' OK, what the hell are they talking about?
-->'''Lupo:''' The rapture.
-->'''Van Buren:''' The rapture? As in the last days, the Book of Revelation.
-->'''Lupo:''' Right, when Jesus comes back and takes all good Christians to Heaven.
-->'''Van Buren:''' Well, I'm planning on retiring before that happens.
* "Skate or Die" has two men that serve as skaters called the "Bi-polar Roller", who continuously dances throughout his interrogation, and eventually skates through the police headquarters when he leaves. [[spoiler: He even skates away from Lupo when they try to arrest him AND IT WORKS.]]

--> '''Connie Rubirosa''': What?
--> '''Mike Cutter''': Having fun?
--> '''Connie Rubirosa''': I am going to kill you, and then, I'm gonna kill [=McCoy=].
--> '''Mike Cutter''': On camera?
--> '''Connie Rubirosa''': I don't care, I'd be better off in prison!

* 4x12, "Snatched": After he and Briscoe have dealt with s string of witnesses [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible who are completely unable to describe one suspect]], Logan starts questioning an old black couple. The wife also can't give much detail on either the suspect or the car, and Logan is ready to give up when she apologetically says that all she can offer is the suspect's license plate number. Even though she's not sure on the last digit, that number is a ''lot'' more useful than any description and earns these parting words.

* 4x12, "Snatched": After dealing with s string of witnesses [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible who are completely unable to describe one suspect]], Briscoe and Logan are questioning an old black couple. The wife also can't give much detail on either the suspect or the car, and both detectives are ready to give up when she apologetically says that all she can offer is the suspect's license plate number. Even though she's not sure on the last digit, that number is a ''lot'' more useful than any description and earns these parting words.

** In the same episode, Jason Bregman's kidnappers reveal that Jason himself was in on it, and they have a audiotape to prove it. Jason Bregman was dumb enough to ''stage his own kidnapping.''

* 20x12,"Blackmail": Lupo and Bernard are at the home of a talk show host who reports being blackmailed. She has provided coffee and sandwiches for them while they wait for the blackmailer to call in a demand. Bernard points out that the host herself is still a suspect. She snaps "No more sandwiches for you!" at him and he obligingly puts down his half-eaten sandwich.

* One episode involves Ben Stone attempting to negotiate a favourable plea agreement for a witness who is facing a lengthy federal prison term for serious drug smuggling charges, and the federal prosecutor is reluctant to allow a plea agreement. He eventually concedes to three years on each charge for a total of nine years. In the next scene, Stone meets with the witness and his lawyer, and [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome cleverly]] offers him a deal of ''six'' years for each charge. As Stone had clearly hoped, the witness replies that he'll testify, but only if Stone gets him a deal of ''three'' years for each charge. Betraying absolutely nothing, Stone claims that he'll have to talk to the federal prosecutor and it won't be easy. Cut to Stone and Robinette... enjoying a coffee break and letting the witness sweat a bit. And then when they're done Stone walks back into his office with the most hilariously convincing and serious "I've just had to bust my balls and you better be grateful" look on his face.

* Any and all instances of Lennie Briscoe's one liners and dry wit. It's revealed by Rey in a final season episode that he was still cracking jokes even in his final days.

---> '''ADA Jack [=McCoy=]''': I'm playing legal tiddlywinks with these punks. What I'd really like to do is [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment take them out to Battery Park and hang them by the scrotum.]]

---> '''Van Buren:''' OK, what the hell are they talking about?
--->'''Lupo:''' The rapture.
--->'''Van Buren:''' The rapture? As in the last days, the Book of Revelation.
--->'''Lupo:''' Right, when Jesus comes back and takes all good Christians to Heaven.
--->'''Van Buren:''' Well, I'm planning on retiring before that happens.

--> '''DA Adam Schiff''': Clarence Darrow had [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leopold_and_loeb Leopold and Loeb]]. Who do we have?\\

---> '''ADA Jack [=McCoy=]''': I'm playing legal tiddlywinks with them, when [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment I'd prefer to take them out to Battery Park and hang them by the scrotum.]]

* 4x12, "Snatched": After dealing with nearly a whole episode's worth of witnesses [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible completely unable to describe one suspect]], Lennie and Mike Logan are questioning an old black couple. The wife can't describe the suspect or the car either and both detectives are nearly at wit's end... when she apologetically tells them she "only" got the suspect's license plate number (which, of course, is ''much'' more useful than any description).
--> '''Mike''': ''(to the husband)'' Can I hug her?

* 3x21, "Manhood": Briscoe and Logan are chewed out by Cragen after getting transcipts of the police radio tapes from a shooting without permission.

-->'''Cragen:''' You did ''what?''
-->'''Briscoe:''' You're worried about the time, we'll dock ourselves a day.
-->'''Cragen:''' I'm worried about you losin' your house and eatin' macaroni the next 20 years.
-->'''Briscoe:''' I lost two houses already [[Unishment and I like macaroni.]]

-->'''[=McCoy=]''': Not ''that'' badly!

* 9x03, "Bait": When a teenage shooting victim's car turns up at the scene of a burglary, Briscoe and Curtis arrest the offender. His pants have blood stains, so they are seized as evidence. The suspect says he just found the car abandoned, and indignantly asks for his pants back because "my Johnson's getting cold!"

** Half of the episode is the cast being baffled by the skating suspect, even [=McCoy=] having brevity in his confusion on the matter. No one seems to take the case all that seriously as a result. [[spoiler:[[MoodWhiplash Until they find DNA on his knife linking him to a serial killer spree.]]]]

** Half of the episode is the cast being baffled by the skating suspect, even [=McCoy=] having brevity in his confusion on the matter. And the guy can't stand still, constantly moving his entire body and arms in the most eccentric way possible, borderline looking drugged up despite it being clear from his system.

--> '''Serena''': Who's on first?

** When getting evidence with Robinette, the undercover cop gets stuck in traffic. With time running short, Logan gets Robinette to change jackets with him (the man had already seen the cops and would recognize them). After Robinette gets the evidence, Logan immediately demands his jacket back.