History Funny / Halo

* While it's in the middle of a ''very'' intense scene, there's something hilarious about [[spoiler: Del Rio]] screaming for John's arrest. Not only does he sound like a petulant child, but it's abundantly clearly that ''nobody'' else on the ship on the ship is on his side, and there's absolutely zero chance that they'd be able to arrest John even if they wanted to.

--->'''Marine (Tucker):''' Hey, open up!
--->'''Guard (Doc):''' Password please.
--->'''Marine:''' You gotta be kidding, what password?
--->'''Guard:''' The password so that we don't open to door for Brutes.
--->'''Marine:''' Do I sound like a Brute to you?
--->'''Guard:''' Well, you could be held prisoner by Brutes.
--->'''Marine:''' If I was held prisoner by Brutes and knew the password, then the Brutes could force me to tell you the password and open the door for them.
--->'''Guard:''' ... Okay, well now I'm definitely not going to open the door.
--->'''Marine:''' But we need ammo!
--->'''Guard:''' Well why don't you go ask your Brute buddies then?

--->'''Marine (Simmons):''' Hey, open up.
--->'''Guard (Grif):''' Password.
--->'''Marine:''' What?
--->'''Guard:''' I need the password.
--->'''Marine:''' You've gotta be kidding me, what password?
--->'''Guard:''' Password. They gave it at the staff meeting fifteen minutes ago!
--->'''Marine:''' Meeting? What meeting? I was out here!
--->'''Guard:''' Not supposed to let anyone in without it.
--->'''Marine:''' If the staff meeting just ended, then no one outside's gonna know the freaking password, now open up! We need ammo and the Chief is out here!
--->'''Guard:''' [beat]Does he know the password?
--->'''Marine:''' He wasn't at the meeting either!
*** Legendary:
--->'''Marine (Church):''' Hey, open up!
--->'''Guard (Caboose):''' What's the password?
--->'''Marine:''' Password? Oh man, I forgot...
--->'''Guard:''' Forgot... what?
--->'''Marine:''' The password.
--->'''Guard:''' See, that was almost right. Ah, see, the password begins with "I forgot", but ends differently. Um, try again.
--->'''Marine:''' No, I mean I've forgotten the password!
--->'''Guard:''' Nah, uh, you see, you've got it wrong again. See, you said the same thing as last time.
--->'''Marine:''' I'm being serious, I don't know the password!
--->'''Guard:''' I dunno, you changed the first part. See, tha-that part was the right part, now you've got the whole thing wrong.
--->'''Marine:''' No, I forgot what the password is, and I just need you to open the door!!
--->'''Guard:''' Alright man, now you're just guessing.

--->'''Marine:''' No ''no NO''!! You're not listening! It's a zoo, okay?
--->'''Medic:''' Well, technically it's a corporate-funded wildlife preserve.
--->'''Marine:''' ''Semantics''! This whole place is ''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis one... big... cage]]!''
--->'''Medic:''' Listen, marine... you're wounded... you need to try and relax...
--->'''Marine:''' Except us... we're the zebras! All fenced in, and ready for the slaughter!
--->'''Medic:''' And the Covenant?
--->'''Marine:''' They're the ''lions''! RRRAAAARRRGGH!!
--->'''Medic:''' Careful. I think you just strained a metaphor.
--->'''Marine:''' (panicking) Oh God! OH GOD!! ...Is-is that serious?
--->'''Medic:''' Only if you keep it up...

-->'''Automated recording:''' Welcome to the Office of Naval Intelligence. An ONI representative will be with you shortly.
-->'''Kat''': (dryly) Somehow, I doubt that ''very'' much.

-->'''Prophet of Truth:''' The Great Journey is nigh, and nothing, not even the Flood, can stop it.
-->(Master Chief teleports in, right next to a Grunt. He looks down at the Grunt)
-->'''Master Chief:''': Boo.
-->'''Grunt:''' [[OhCrap Aaah]]! (runs away, as the Chief steals his Needler)

--> '''Johnson''': Dear humanity! We ''regret'' being alien bastards! We ''regret'' comin' to Earth! And we most ''definitely'' regret that the Corps just blew up our ''raggedy-ass fleet!''
--> '''Pelican Pilots''': Oorah!

---> '''Johnson''': Where's the rest of your platoon?
---> '''Marine 1''': Wasted, Sarge.
---> '''Marine 2''': And we will be too sir, if we don't get the hell out of here!
---> '''Johnson''': You hit, Marine?
---> '''Marine 2''': N--no sir.
---> '''Johnson''': Then listen up! When I joined the Corps, we didn't have any fancy-schmancy tanks. We had sticks! ''Two'' sticks, and a rock for the whole platoon! ''And'' we had to share the rock. Buck up boy, you're one very lucky Marine.

--->'''Easy:''' "You had your chance to be afraid ''before'' you joined my beloved Corps. But to guide you back to the true path, I brought this motivational device. Our big green style cannot be defeated!\\
'''Normal:''' "The Chief is going to jump in this tank, drive across that bridge, and blow up any Covenant sonofabitch that gets between him and the Prophet of Regret! Pull yourself together, because you're going with him!"\\
'''Legendary:''' "Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways, but not today. This here is 66 tons of straight-up, HE-spewing, ''dee-vine intervention''! If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!"\\

--->'''Cortana''': Thanks for the tank. ''[[SuperSoldier He]]'' never gets me anything.\\
'''Sergeant Johnson''': Oh, I know what the ladies like!\\

--->'''Easy/Normal:'''Ladies Like Armor Plating.\\
'''Heroic:'''Ladies Like Grinding Treads.\\
'''Legendary:'''Ladies Like Superior Firepower.\\

--->'''Jiralhanae War Chieftain:''' "[[NothingCanStopUsNow Success, Holy One! We have taken their Command Center!]]"
--->'''Truth (Video COM):''' "[[TemptingFate Have you discovered how they plan to stop me?]]"
--->''[[AstonishinglyAppropriateInterruption Cue the Master Chief firing on the Brutes and killing everybody in the Command Center.]]''

-->'''Friendly Elite'''" (Chief gives gun to him) One word for you. "Random Gibberish".
-->'''Brute (After someome kills another Brute):'''"HE WAS MY LOVER!"

--->'''Mo Ye''': Self-Destruct sequence initiated. Four minutes and counting.\\

** After the Chief jumps out of an exploding Covenant ship, and lands on the ''In Amber Clad''
-->''Loud '''THUD''' as Miranda and Johnson look up at the ceiling''
-->'''Johnson:''' For a brick, he flew pretty good.

-->'''Marine:''' See this look? It's terror!
-->'''Sergeant Banks:''' Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?

-->'''Dubbo:''' Whoa...it's like a postcard! Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here."
-->'''Johnson:''' I heard that...jackass!

-->'''Cortana:''' The good news is these Covenant aren't outfitted like standard military. It's possible we just came across a rogue salvage ship.
-->''[Blast doors open in front of the windows, revealing several CRS-class light cruisers]''
-->'''Cortana:''' ...or we might have just stumbled into an ''entire'' Covenant fleet.
-->'''John-117:''' Maybe they haven't recognized us.
-->''[Two Phantoms appear in front of the windows]''
-->'''Cortana:''' That's ''one'' possibility.

--->'''Roland:''' I'm bored.
--->'''Palmer:''' Roland! Clear the channel!
--->'''Roland:''' The data that's confusing Spartan Miller is only confusing because he still thinks the forts are comm relays.
--->'''Miller:''' So, what are they really?
--->'''Roland:''' They're a portal nexus. Just like back at those towers. Thought it would be obvious by now.
--->'''Miller:''' Do you see a way to activate the portals, Roland?
--->'''Roland:''' Of course. Can I turn on the waypoint for Crimson? It's exciting being part of an Op!
--->'''Miller:''' Go right ahead.
--->'''Palmer:''' Hey, Miller, protocols!
--->'''Roland:''' Get up there, Crimson. I command it! Ha ha!
--->''{{Beat}}''
--->'''Roland:''' Okay, now I'm... now [[BrickJoke I'm bored again]]. Bye.

--->'''Ur-Didact''': We're ruled by idiots.

--->'''Catalog''': "The Flood has entered over five hundred systems and infected thousands of worlds and entire fleets"
--->'''Sharp-by-Striking''': "Tell us something encouraging."
--->'''Catalog''': "All of those systems have fallen silent, and it is assumed their defenses have been placed at the disposal of the Flood."
--->'''Sharp''': "That isn't what I meant."

--->'''Faber''': "The Warden did not preserve me in the midst of all that destruction for reasons of sentiment. It knew my value."
--->'''Master Juridical''': "The Warden was bribed."
--->'''Faber''': "How the hell do you bribe a machine?"
--->'''Master Juridical''': "You found a way."

--> '''Cortana:''' Could we ''possibly'' make any more noise?
---> ''Chief reaches back into his pod and pulls out a rocket launcher.''
--> '''Cortana:''' [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder ... I guess so.]]
* From ''Videogame/Halo3ODST'':
-->'''Romeo:''' ''(pointing at Dare and The Engineer)'' We went through hell for ''that''?!
-->'''Buck:''' ''(to medic)'' Give him some meds, won't ya? ''(to Romeo)'' It's important. It knows things.
-->'''Romeo:''' [[BittersweetEnding Heck, Gunny]], [[WatchingTroyBurn I wasn't talking about the alien.]]

--->'''Guard:''' Forgot...what?

** Hard:

-->'''Simmons''': [[ProfessionalButtKisser Private Simmons]] to Command! There was a huge firefight down here and the engine is all shot up! I need Maintenance, ASAP!\\

* When Master Chief thought he'd shoot his way out, mix things up a little bit.

* In a small bit of YMMV, choosing to interrupt the conversation between a Jiralhanae War Chieftain and with the Prophet of Truth at the end of the Halo 3 level, Crow's Nest. [[OneManArmy With bullets and explosives]].

* In a small bit of YMMV, choosing to interrupt the conversation between a Jiralhanae War Chieftain and with the Prophet of Truth. [[OneManArmy With bullets and explosives]].
--->'''Jiralhanae War Chieftain:''' "Success, Holy One! We have taken their Command Center!"

--->'''Cortana''': Thanks for the tank. ''[[SuperSoldier He]]'' never gets me anything.
'''Sergeant Johnson''': Oh, I know what the ladies like!

** Speaking of section titles, in CE we get "Fourth Floor: Tools, Guns, Keys To Super Weapons".

--->'''Easy/Normal:'''Ladies Like Armor Plating.
'''Heroic:'''Ladies Like Grinding Treads.
'''Legendary:'''Ladies Like Superior Firepower.

* And in addition to Johnson's speech, the chapter title actually changes with the difficulty as well:

-->'''Romeo:''' Heck, Gunny, I wasn't talking about the alien.

* The three versions of the password door in ''Halo 3''. (This is improved by the fact that all of them are voiced by the cast of ''Machinima/RedVsBlue'', a Halo machinima.)

--->''"I would have been your daddy, but a dog beat me over the fence!"''
--->--'''Sergeant Johnson'''

** And sometime later we get this exchange as a group of Marines attempt to retreat:

* Johnson's rant at the beginning of "Outskirts" in Halo 2.

* Bungie made an [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GhyQ7kjgS0 intro video]] to the release of Halo featuring everyone's [[RLeeErmey favorite sergeant]]...No no, the other one, to teach you how to survive Halo

* The cutscene before the level Keyes in the original game was funny; Cortana thinks she's figured out how to Teleport the Chief. She manages to do it, but she mistakes the ceiling of the ship with the floor.
* Immediately afterwards when that mistake finally exhausts the Chief's patience and he {{Dope Slap}}s his own helmet to shut her up.
---> '''Cortana:''' "Oh ''now'' I see, coordinate data needs to be" * donk* "Right...Sorry?"
* In the level The Maw (the last level in the game), Cortana's trying to tell the Chief to pull up on his hijacked (and heavily damaged) Banshee or else they'll crash, while Chief casually disregards this. They end up crashing, the Chief none worse for wear, and Cortana betting that he did that on purpose.
--> '''Cortana (panicky)''': "This thing is falling apart!"
--> '''Chief (calm)''': "It'll hold."
--> '''Cortana''': "We're not gonna make it!"
--> '''Chief''': "We'll make it."
--> '''Cortana''': "Pull up! PULL UP!!" *CRASH!* "...You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
* After 343 Guilty Spark has shut down the self-destruct of the Pillar of Autumn, Cortana is at a loss as to how to blow the ship up. The Master Chief asks how much firepower it would take to crack one of the engine shields. Cortana replies that it would only take a well-placed grenade. Cut to the Master Chief tossing one in the air when she asks why.

* Sergeant Johnson's inspiring pep talk to the marines at the beginning cutscene of the first game, and all the variants therein:
-->'''Normal:''' "When we meet the enemy on the ground, we will rip their heads from their spines, and toss them away, laughing!"
-->'''Legendary:''' "I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine or a giant hula hoop! WE AIN'T GONNA LET 'EM HAVE IT!!! What we ''will'' let them have, is a belly full of lead, and their own blood to drown in!!"
** "Am I right, marines?"
*** "SIR, YES, SIR!
*** "Mmm hmm. Damn right I am!"

* ''Anything'' Grunts say in ''Combat Evolved''. Sometimes you'll walk into a room and randomly hear screams of fear, ''even though they don't know you're there yet''. Also:
** "Leader Dead! Run away!
** "Bad Cyborg!"
** "CAN'T! RUN! WITH! THING! ON! BACK!"
** "WE'RE GONNA DIEEE!!!"
** "He flees! [[ItMakesSenseInContext Thank the Nipple]]."
* In the first game, when you've returned to the Pillar of Autumn and go through the dark vents again, just outside your exit is a battle between Covenant and Flood. But because of the narrow doorway, you can mostly only see the bullets and grenades flying back and forth, and hear the [=NPCs=]' reactions offscreen, turning an otherwise-ordinary battle into hilarity.
* Shooting at 343 Guilty Spark in The Library in Halo: CE will generate a variety of responses, the best being "Stop being human!"

* The Legendary ending to the first game. "This is it, baby... Hold me." Johnson and an Elite hug, and the Elite grabs Johnson's butt. In ''Anniversary'', they still hug, but Johnson grabs the Elite's butt. The Elite is briefly shocked before the ''Pillar of Autumn'' explodes.

--->'''Marine(Tucker):''' Hey, open up!
--->'''Guard(Doc):''' Password please.

--->'''Marine(Simmons):''' Hey, open up.
--->'''Guard(Grif):''' Password.

--->'''Marine(Church):''' Hey, open up!
--->'''Guard(Caboose):''' What's the password?

--->'''Roland:''' Okay, now I'm...now [[BrickJoke I'm bored again]]. Bye.

--->[[spoiler:'''Simmons''']]: [[spoiler:[[ProfessionalButtKisser Private Simmons]]]] to Command! There was a huge firefight down here and the engine is all shot up! I need Maintenance, ASAP!\\

[[spoiler:'''Simmons''']]: [[SarcasmMode Oh, great! More people with guns! I'm sure THAT'LL fix the engine!]]

-->'''Legendary:''' "I don't care if it's god's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine or a giant hula hoop! WE AIN'T GONNA LET 'EM HAVE IT!!! What we ''will'' let them have, is a belly full of lead, and their own blood to drown in!!"