History Funny / Frasier

* [[Funny/FrasierSeasons1To6 Seasons 1-6]]

* When ''Franchise/StarTrek'' celebrated its 30th anniversary in 1996, Creator/{{UPN}} aired ''Star Trek: 30 Years and Beyond'' to mark it. Part of it was a skit that showed Daphne, Niles, Martin and Roz (and, eventually, Eddie) as the ''Voyager'' bridge crew under the command of a ''very'' flustered Janeway - obviously, Frasier himself was absent because he had already been Captain Morgan Bateson over on ''TNG''. But even despite that, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qxD2eoh-W4 the sight is surreal and a barrelful of laughs]], with nods to most of the recurring sources of humour from the early series of ''Frasier'':

* Funny/FrasierSeasons1To6
* Funny/FrasierSeasons7To11

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:Season 1]]
[[AC:106: The Crucible]]
* At the beginning of the episode, Frasier comes up with a creative way to get his listeners to call in...
-->'''Frasier:''' You're listening to KACL, 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. ''[{{Beat}}]'' I'm just... sitting here waiting. ''[{{Beat}}]'' Hey, Seattle! Come on, I know you're out there! ''[fake laughs]'' Hey, look, I realise it's a, it's a sunny day, but, uh, on all those rainy days, ''I'' was there for ''you! [{{Beat}}]'' Well! All right then. If, uh, that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse. ''[Roz looks confused]'' Uh... ''[sings]'' [[Music/DeanMartin WHE-E-E-EN THE-E-E-E MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA-]] ''[the switchboard lights up like a Christmas tree]'' That seems to have got you going there! Okay!
* After having successfully talked Frasier down from throwing a brick through a store window, via a story about a humiliating incident in his childhood, Niles does a double take when Frasier mentions the humiliating nicknames he received for it... which Niles hadn't actually known about. So now ''Niles'' throws the brick through the window.

[[AC:109: Selling Out]]
* Frasier blasting Roger (Carl Reiner), a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his luxury yacht:
-->'''Frasier''': Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

[[AC:111: Death Becomes Him]]
* The scene where, after spending an entire episode worrying about his mortality, [[WhereTheresAWillTheresAStickyNote including getting Martin and Niles little labels to put on the things they want bequeathed to them]], Frasier finally calms down after a late-night talk with Martin. Just as they're heading off to bed... Martin mentions there's something on Frasier's robe. He checks, and with the utmost air of disgust... "''Niles''." (Niles had also earlier tried to trick Frasier out of pouring from a certain bottle of wine because he wanted it.)
-->'''Frasier:''' The vultures are circling...

[[AC:112: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street]]
* The first scene in the Crane household has Niles drinking a glass of eggnog. When he puts the glass down on the table for a moment, Eddie proceeds to drink a bit of it. Niles then drinks from the glass again with a confused look on his face.

[[AC:113: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast]]
* Martin has announced that he is going on a date with a lady who lives in the same building as them. Niles gets this little grin on his face, and Martin, without turning around, snaps "Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face!"
* One of Frasier's callers, Al (Music/HenryMancini[[note]] Making the last of his few appearances as an actor rather than as a composer or musician.[[/note]]), is lamenting that he hates the sound of his own voice; Frasier and Roz clearly don't like it either, as they have long since stopped paying attention to him. Frasier sticks a backscratcher in the end of his sleeve as though it's his hand and taps on the glass of Roz' booth, making her laugh as he holds his backscratcher hand to his face in a thoughtful gesture and then scratches his underarm with it; Roz then goes one better by sticking the chopsticks from her Chinese take-away lunch in her mouth as though they're walrus tusks and completes the impression by flapping her elbows as though they're flippers, and soon it's all Frasier and Roz can do to keep Al from finding out how hard they're laughing at each other's antics.

[[AC:114: Can't Buy Me Love]]
* The BachelorAuction, run by a former fellow cop of Martin's for a Widows and Orphans benefit, is pure hilarity.
** The tone is set by the [[AllWomenAreLustful hormone-addled screaming]] we can hear coming from the ladies in the audience - described by Frasier as a "Rotweiler pit" - as the announcer introduces Bachelor #18, "public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science". As Martin enters the green room, we can hear the announcer shouting "Please, please, keep articles of clothing off the stage!"
** Martin recognises Bachelor #19 as Seahawks linebacker T.J. "The Enforcer" Smith, who has put two quarterbacks in the hospital so far that season. When his number is called, he begs Martin not to make him go on stage, and when he returns with a ThousandYardStare, describing the women as "like sharks at a feeding frenzy", he explains that the winning bid was placed by a woman with "this crazed look in her eye". The identity of said woman comes as no surprise:
--->'''Roz:''' ''[entering the green room with a hungry look]'' Where do I pay?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[jumping to his feet]'' Roz!\\
'''Roz:''' I saw what I wanted and I went after it! ''[T.J. takes one step toward the opposite door]'' STAY!
** Frasier is Bachelor #20; Martin suggests that if things are flagging a bit, he should drop a quarter and take his time picking it up. When he comes off stage, the winner having bid $500 for him, he says the last thing he can remember is someone shouting "Shake your money maker!"
** Finally, Bachelor #21, Bulldog, is called to the stage... and returns mere minutes later. He brushes it off by noting that most of the ladies had already exhausted their budgets for the evening. Then the winning bidder enters the green room with the same look most of the bachelors had when they left the stage, a look not helped by the backside slap Bulldog gives her on his way to the bathroom...
--->'''Frasier:''' Oh my God, Daphne, why??\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[dazed, handing her cheque over to the purser]'' Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to shill! I opened at $100! Who knew that would be the only bid?
* But it turns out to be Bulldog who regrets Daphne's purchase; he takes her to a Seattle Sonics game, and she goes through a vast quantity of champagne... and turns out to be a talkative and belligerent drunk, with unfortunate consequences for Bulldog when she starts picking fights with the drivers honking at their limousine as they try to get out of the Seattle Center Coliseum car park:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[over the honking of other cars]'' Well that's annoying, isn't it. Certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot. Did I mention this was my first basketball game? Yes, of course I did, three or four times. I still can't get over those players. They're positively gi-''gan''-tic! Not that being tall is the only measure of a man. ''[{{Beat}}]'' But it's a bloody good one! ''[doubles over laughing; Bulldog is not so amused]'' Oh, dear, I just insulted you, didn't I! I'm sorry. Oh well, you can take it, you're a tough little nut! ''[backhands Bulldog in the chest; his good mood is eroding more every second]'' Oh dear. This is not good. Not good at all.\\
'''Bulldog:''' What, you don't like the champagne?\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[peering into her glass as though looking into a microscope]'' No - I can see the bottom of me glass! ''[laughs]''\\
'''Bulldog:''' ''[laughs as well]'' Well, bottoms up! ''[refills her glass]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, you are a naughty boy! Now, don't go getting any ideas! Oh, look who I'm saying this to. [[DumbJock You don't have an idea in your head!]] ''[doubles over laughing again; Bulldog has the sort of forced grin that must be hurting his cheek muscles]'' Ah, I did it again, I insulted ya! Let's drink to that! ''[clonks her glass against Bulldog's forehead, spilling half of her drink and not helping his mood one bit]'' Boom! ''[laughs again; the honking of other cars gets louder]'' Oh, now, that is downright rude. ''[rolls down the window and yells through a yellow plastic megaphone]'' Hey you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you! Stop that honking! ''[HONK HONK]'' Oh, now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!\\
'''Bulldog:''' Hey! Hey, hey, don't aggravate him, we're, we're kind of pinned in here!\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, tosh! Civilisation's not going to progress ''one'' iota unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss!\\
'''Firebird driver:''' ''[HONK]'' MOVE IT!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[through megaphone]'' '''AWW, SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKEHOLE!'''\\
'''Bulldog:''' ''[pulling Daphne back]'' HEY! Don't do that- oh, great, he's gettin' out of his car! ''[sound of a car door opening and closing]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Oooh, he's a tall one, too!\\
'''Bulldog:''' Quick, quick, roll up the window, lock the door! ''[does so]''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[smacks Bulldog's hands away]'' Oh, don't be stupid, he's not going to hurt a woman! ''[starts rolling the window down again]''\\
'''Bulldog:''' ''[starting to panic]'' Just roll it up, roll it up! ''[tries to roll the window up again, only for the opposite door to open; the Firebird driver grabs Bulldog by his feet and starts dragging him out]''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[trying to drag Bulldog back]'' Oh, you let him go! Get your bloody paws off him! LET HIM GO, YOU BIG UGLY OAF!\\
'''Bulldog:''' ''[as Daphne loses her grip]'' '''[[BigShutUp SHUT UP!!]]''' ''[he is finally dragged out of the car as Daphne shadowboxes toward the Firebird driver, who closes the door after him]''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[looking out of the window]'' Oh! Well... we're moving. ''[rolls down the window and yells through the megaphone, turning her head to look back as the car moves forward]'' Thank you, [[AccidentalMisnaming Pitbull!]] I had a lovely time!... ''[she picks up the champagne bottle and one of the glasses and tries to pour herself another glass while slowly falling over sideways]''
* In TheStinger, Frasier, Martin, and Eddie have joined Daphne, who looks much the worse for wear, in the back of the limousine. While Eddie hangs his head out of the window, Frasier pours himself and Martin a glass of champagne each, but Daphne declines, choosing instead to drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water.

[[AC:116: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back]]
* Lilith's role as a SitcomArchNemesis is established in her very first appearance; while this usually takes the form of quips directed ''at'' her, her very first line is a classic quip ''from'' her.
-->'''Lilith''': Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.\\
'''Frasier''': Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.\\
'''Lilith''': ''[perplexed]'' What do you mean, "celebrity"?\\
'''Frasier''': ''[darkly]'' Oh, they know you.\\
'''Lilith''': I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Music/PearlJam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
* Roz suggests that Frasier and Lilith have dinner. Since Lilith has called into Frasier's show, he must be gracious and make the invitation through clenched teeth, but he writes "You're FIRED" on a piece of paper and holds it up to Roz with a glower. Roz has already written "I'm union" on a file folder to answer him, and she holds it up with a smirk without missing a beat.
* Lilith meets Eddie, who initially tries staring at her the way he does with Frasier.
-->'''Lilith:''' Go away.\\
''(Eddie scarpers, while Frasier stares in confusion)''\\
'''Frasier:''' How did you get that dog to listen to you?\\
'''Lilith:''' He can tell by my tone of voice I mean business.\\
'''Martin:''' Hell, I almost took a step back until I realized she was talking to the dog!
* Daphne reacts to Lilith's presence with a splitting headache.
-->'''Daphne:''' How long are you going to be here?\\
'''Lilith:''' Only for the weekend.\\
'''Daphne:''' I won't last till Saturday night...

[[AC:117: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream]]
* Niles's story about his failed attempt at sexual roleplay, starting from the moment he reveals his ''Pirates of Penzance''-esque costume (part of which looks suspiciously like [[Series/{{Seinfeld}} the infamous "puffy shirt"]]).
-->'''Martin:''' ''[taking in the sight of Niles' costume]'' ...never mind, I don't want to know.\\
'''Niles:''' No, Dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the way I'm dressed.\\
'''Frasier:''' All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.\\
[...]\\
'''Niles:''' [[TooMuchInformation Although, technically is it still an eye-patch when you're wearing it on your--]]\\
'''Frasier:''' ''STOP!''
* And, as Niles sprawls desolately across an armchair, quite piratically:
-->'''Niles:''' I'll never be able to face the maid again.\\
'''Martin:''' I don't think it's your ''face'' she'll remember. ''(cracks up)''
* The second half of the episode opens with one of the funnier title card gags of the series:
-->[[AC:{{IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT}}]]\\
''[BeatPanel]''\\
[[AC:NO, REALLY]]
* Daphne offers to cook a romantic dinner for Niles and Maris to help them reconcile, but, per the title card, a violent thunderstorm moves in over the Seattle area and not only prevents Maris from returning from the spa in Arizona to which she fled after her and Niles' misunderstanding, but also knocks out the electricity to Niles and Maris' mansion. Cut to Frasier overhearing Martin speaking to Daphne by phone, advising her to stay the night rather than risk going out into the storm. Frasier muses that at least Niles, whose crush on Daphne is reaching boiling point, won't try anything with Maris in the house. Then Martin reveals that Maris is in Arizona, and Frasier bolts to his feet, shouting "I've got to get Daphne out of there!"
-->'''Frasier:''' My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is [[Literature/WutheringHeights someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!]]
* Meanwhile, Daphne, having had to walk a hundred yards in the pouring rain after a tree blew down across Niles and Maris' driveway, has changed into a silk dress and cape, the only clothes of Maris' that fit her, and Niles' mind quickly short circuits. He finally has the presence of mind to leave the room and call Frasier for advice, but as Frasier and Martin are already on the road, the only person to hear Niles' desperate message is a very interested-looking Eddie.
* Inevitably, Frasier and Martin spend most of the drive to Niles and Maris' house arguing about the route and Frasier's taste in cars. When the car finally stalls with their destination in sight, Frasier bolts out of the car and runs for the house. And even for that, Martin has some advice, which Frasier takes with his usual grace and dignity:
-->'''Martin:''' You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain!... ''[offended]'' Well, same to you!
* As the romantic tension between Niles and Daphne reaches its zenith, with the two of them curled up in front of the fire as each consoles the other over their recent romantic setbacks, a Glockenspiel clock which Niles and Maris bought on their honeymoon and which has been silent for years suddenly revives, leading to this gem from Daphne:
-->'''Daphne:''' [[DoubleEntendre Dr. Crane, your glockenspiel has sprung to life!]]
* Though most viewers probably know the true object of Niles' love that has re-awakened the clock, he interprets it as a sign that, for all the ups and downs of his marriage to her, he really does love Maris. The sight of her newly exfoliated face across the breakfast table, or sharing a laugh when they see someone wearing white after Labor Day... all part of what makes her special in his eyes. And he assures Daphne that she will find a man worthy of her love "just as soon as the gods create him," prompting her to give him a kiss of gratitude on the cheek - just in time for Frasier to arrive, hammering on the window like [[Creator/DustinHoffman Ben Braddock]] in the wedding scene in ''Film/TheGraduate''. Daphne is outraged on Niles' behalf that Frasier thought he was taking advantage of her, but her recital of what Niles loves about Maris loses something in translation:
-->'''Daphne:''' Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people! ''[Frasier looks at first Daphne, then Niles with absolute confusion; Niles looks a bit embarrassed, while Daphne ponders what she has just said]'' That didn't sound right, did it?\\
'''Niles:''' Close enough.
* Over the closing credits, Frasier merrily playing the piano while everyone sings -- except for Martin, who's locked outside in the storm and banging on the windows much like Frasier was earlier, unable to make himself heard.

[[AC:118: And the Whimper Is...]]
* Frasier has started catching on to Niles' Maris-related excuses.
-->'''Frasier:''' Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?\\
'''Niles:''' ''I'' did.
* Niles at the award ceremony getting mistaken for a waiter.
* Roz's increasingly angry determination to get her hands on a SB award.

[[AC:119: Give Him the Chair!]]
* Frasier throws out Martin's chair while he's out and has to get him a new one before he gets back. He goes with Niles to the furniture store and fumble their way around before finally setting on a chair. No one is exactly pleased with the chair until the showman turns on the massage.
** Niles' reaction in the store is funny enough...
--->'''Niles:''' I never knew a chair could be this satisfying! ...I never knew that ''anything'' could! ...I want it!\\
'''Frasier:''' Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!
** ... but it's topped by Daphne's reaction once it's back in the apartment.
--->'''Daphne:''' This is comfy, although it's a little on the soft side, and I prefer- [[SomethingElseAlsoRises ...hello!... oh, oh!... ooh, this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship!]]\\
''(someone approaches)''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, oh, quick! That's dad! Get out, get out, get out!!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''(clearly annoyed)'' Oh, alright! Just like a man: now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
** Then there's Martin's reaction.
--->'''Martin:''' ''(beat)'' '''''That's DISGUSTING!'''''
* Frasier's dealings with Leon, who doesn't seem to know what his actual role in the apartment building is:
-->'''Leon:''' "Leon, get this", "Leon fix that". What am I, the apartment lackey?\\
'''Frasier:''' YES!\\
'''Leon:''' Oh, okay.

[[AC:121: Travels with Martin]]
* The only word that Daphne can say with an American accent is "sure". This limits her responses to a border policeman who might find out she's not an American citizen.

[[AC:122: Author, Author]]
* The brothers Crane descending into a brawl after being cooped up with each other for two long.
-->'''Niles:''' ''(as Frasier is trying to strangle him)'' My god, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and trying to strangle me!\\
'''Frasier:''' You - stole - my - mommy!

[[AC:123: Frasier Crane's Day Off]]
* With Frasier down with 'flu and no longer trusting Gil Chesterton to fill in for him without trying to steal his time slot, he sends Niles in as a replacement since he at least has the psychiatric training needed for the job. As the second act opens, Roz is showing him around Frasier's booth:
-->'''Roz:''' ... and here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. ''[picks up a tape]'' And most important, here's an extra long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[chuckles]'' Thank you, but those won't be necessary - I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[deadpan]'' It's true. All the good ones ''are'' married.
* In the third act, a now recovered Frasier returns to work, and thanks Gil and Niles for taking over from him during his indisposition, not taking in the decidedly sinister looks and waves they give him while watching him through the booth window. As Roz introduces his first caller, he presses a button... and his chair '''explodes'''. Cut to [[AllJustADream a still sick Frasier sitting up in bed in alarm.]]
* Fresh from his CatapultNightmare, Frasier is now paranoid that Niles is trying to steal his slot and returns to the studio drugged to the gills. He eventually locks himself in the booth, and chaos ensues as he cuts off one caller, Robert (Tommy Hilfiger) by saying they've already had a Robert on the show (partly because he isn't paying full attention when Robert originally introduces himself and thinks there are two Roberts), dismisses a second caller, Janice (Patty Hearst), who is having in-law trouble as "BORING!", then, after telling the third caller, Marjorie (Creator/MaryTylerMoore), that she is "on the crane with Frasier Air", gets distracted while leading her in a roleplay conversation between her and her boss by suggesting they go through the exercise again but with their roles reversed. Roz is finally able to summon security, who wheel Frasier out of the booth in his chair. Niles tries to pass off the debacle as a simulation of the hazards of drugs and their side effects:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[as security chase Frasier past the booth]'' Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope"!
* The next morning, Frasier wakes up, terrified at what he can remember, and Daphne (who's just spent the last several days putting up with Frasier's demands) informs him it was AllJustADream...
-->'''Martin:''' Why'd you tell him it was a dream?\\
'''Daphne:''' No fun telling him the truth ''now'', when he's all doped up. I'll wait till tomorrow morning when he's good and lucid.

[[folder:Season 2]]
[[AC:201: Slow Tango in South Seattle]]
* Finding a former ''Cheers'' patron who's written a book based on something Frasier told him in confidence claiming his inspiration was in fact God gets Frasier, who'd been expecting some credit, riled...
-->'''Frasier:''' Can you believe this man's grandiosity? '''I'm''' God and he knows it!

[[AC:202: The Unkindest Cut of All]]
* Frasier bringing the puppies to the station gives us two moments of hilarity.
** Frasier tries to convince Roz to adopt one of them. It seems to work for a moment, but then immediately gives it back to him cold-heartedly. [[EveryoneHasStandards Frasier, despite desperately wanting to get rid of them, is absolutely disgusted by her]].
** When Rita (Creator/LilyTomlin) describes how hard it is being a single mom raising four kids, Frasier [[ComedicSociopathy has the gall]] to ask her if she’s "considered getting a puppy".

[[AC:203: The Matchmaker]]
* The entire episode is one big SugarWiki/{{Funny Moment|s}} featuring one hilarious MistakenForGay joke after the other. For example, when Niles thinks Tom, the new station manager, is chasing Daphne, who has a thing for him.
-->'''Tom:''' Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.\\
'''Niles:''' ''(haughty)'' Well, if you must know... ''(double take, pause)'' I'm sorry, what was the question?\\
'''Tom:''' Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?\\
'''Niles:''' ''(serene and smug)'' No.
* At the very end of the episode, Tom and Frasier clear things up, with Frasier clarifying that neither he, Martin or Niles are gay. Despite Niles having apparently mentioned Maris more than once that evening.
-->'''Tom:''' So this "Maris" [Niles] mentioned is a woman?\\
'''Frasier:''' The jury's still out on that.

[[AC:204: Flour Child]]
* The title character is a [[EggSitting bag of flour Niles "adopts" as a child to see how he would fare as a parent]]. Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie. And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "[[Film/ACryInTheDark 'At dingo's got yer baby...]]"
-->'''Niles''': A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
* Niles gets so attached to the bag of flour that he starts having nightmares of it being kidnapped and the kidnapper sending him [[FingerInTheMail muffins in the mail]].
* Niles tries to include Martin in his little experiment, but the old man is having none of it.
-->'''Niles:''' I'm role playing, dad.\\
'''Martin:''' Try playing the role of a sane person.
* Daphne, seeing Niles' experiment, gives the first mention of her... "''strained''" relationship with her mother, resulting in Daphne roleplaying herself and her mother, before getting into an argument with "her".
-->'''Frasier:''' I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
* Early in the episode, Frasier is told to sign a cutesy-looking card for the radio station's elderly security guard, Clarence. Assuming that it's a birthday card, Frasier signs the card with a [[BlackComedy darkly humorous quip about old age]]... only to find out that it's actually a get-well-soon card and that Clarence is very ill.
-->'''Frasier:''' [[OhCrap You mean that wasn't a birthday card?]]\\
'''Roz:''' No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "[[InnocentlyInsensitive Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death!]]"\\
'''Roz:''' How could you think it was his birthday?\\
'''Frasier:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a]] ''[[DeadpanSnarker giant pink bunny rabbit]]''.
* Frasier decides that he must get the card back before Clarence finds out. Niles insists that Frasier stay and help him take care of the flour sack, leading to this brilliant line:
-->'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles! [[HypocriticalHumor I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!]]

[[AC:206: The Botched Language of Cranes]]
* Roz, at a dinner for a nun-run hospital, claims she wanted to be a nun as a kid:
-->'''Father Mike:''' So what changed your mind?\\
''(Roz pauses, and starts to smile innocently)''\\
'''Roz:''' [[BlatantLies I didn't want to work weekends.]]

[[AC:207: The Candidate]]
* Martin's endorsement campaign for a Republican candidate. His first is pretty standard stuff. The second, meanwhile, has him showing off his bullet wound to the camera. Which involves turning his back and bringing his pants down. We only see Frasier and Niles's reaction, which probably is for the best.
* Frasier endorses a candidate for Congress, calling him 'the sane choice. Later, that candidate (Phil Paterson) reveals to Frasier that [[AlienAbduction he believes he was abducted by aliens]]. In a few weeks, a scandal goes out about Paterson having illegal ''aliens'' working for him. Frasier believes that it has been made public that Paterson believes in actual aliens. [[NiceJobBreakingItHero He attempts to remedy the public's doubt by talking about it on his radio show, only for him to blow the whole 'alien abduction' thing public, too]].
--> '''Paterson:''' [[ThePollyanna It's OK, Frasier. Maybe I'll try running for office in California instead]]. [[TakeThat Something like this might actually help me there.]]
* After Paterson leaves, Frasier sees a strange light searching outside his apartment, and starts panicking... it's just Chopper Dave buzzing his apartment.

[[AC:208: Adventures in Paradise, Part 1]]
* The entire scene of Frasier settling a domestic dispute inside a French restaurant. [[https://youtu.be/UqiR38rQPTY Watch for yourselves]].
* Niles, warning Frasier about the perils of his relationship, says just a little too much.
-->'''Niles:''' If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? ''(getting increasingly agitated)'' Someone who ''really'' excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable ''Maris''!\\
''(beat, as Niles realizes what he's said)''\\
'''Niles:''' Marriage. ... I have to go now.
* The reveal of just who's next to Frasier's apartment at the resort, as Frasier enjoys a balcony view while Marianne gets prepared...
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(seeing Marianne)'' My ''god''..\\
'''Voice:''' Frasier?!\\
''(Frasier sees the source of the voice - it's Lilith, in the balcony right next to his)''\\
'''Frasier:''' '''''OH MY GOD!'''''

[[AC:209: Adventures in Paradise, Part 2]]
* Having inadvertently driven away Frasier's date, Lilith borrows some fruit-on-a-stick and sits down in Martin's chair. Frasier, having left the room to get rid of [[MomentKiller Eddie]], assumes she's Marianne... until Lilith stands up.
-->'''Frasier:''' Get ready for some forbidden fruit... ''(sees it's Lilith)'' YAAAAAAGH!
* Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
* Diane's first appearance on ''Frasier'', despite being an ImagineSpot:
-->'''Diane:''' '''''Frasier?!'''''

[[AC:211: Seat of Power]]
* The Crane Boys trying to fix a toilet. HilarityEnsues. Meanwhile, Niles informing Maris about their efforts gets her turned on...

[[AC:212: Roz in the Doghouse]]
* Daphne asks Frasier why he can't just admit that he's wrong. Frasier's answer speaks volumes about his worldview.
-->'''Frasier:''' You don't understand! It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong! ''I'' have a degree from Harvard! Whenever ''I'm'' wrong, the world makes a little less sense!

[[AC:216: The Show Where Sam Shows Up]]
* Sam's fiancee admits to having sex with members of Cheers. Frasier slept with her as well, but he's afraid Sam will be upset if he found out. However, she says that she was embarrassed about sleeping with Paul (the dumpy balding barfly). Sam is... sort of... okay with that. But then:
-->'''Sam:''' Cliff? ''Cliff''... you? You slept with ''Cliff''? '''''CLIFF?!''''' Oh no, that's it, wedding's ''off''! ''(storms away)'' Cliff - '''''oh, God!''''' \\
'''Sheila:''' Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.\\
''(Frasier sits down on the couch, in full HeroicBSOD)''\\
'''Frasier:''' I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
* During TheStinger, Frasier is castigating himself, "Cliff? Cliff?! CLIFF?!?!" (You don't hear him say anything, but the lip-reading isn't too difficult.)

[[AC:217: Daphne's Room]]
* As the episode opens, Frasier is searching the living room for a book. As he walks over to the piano, he starts picking out the melody from the second movement of [[Music/WolfgangAmadeusMozart Mozart's]] Piano Concerto No.21, but soon shifts to a four-note ascending scale... which he recognizes as the intro to Music/JerryLeeLewis' "Great Balls of Fire". So he sits down and launches into a full-throated rendition of the first verse, finishing with a Lewis-style glissando that spins him around on the bench - just in time to see Martin and Niles entering, at which point he quickly goes back to picking out the Mozart melody.
* Niles and Maris have had yet another bust-up after he foolishly took her at her word when she insisted that she wanted no acknowledgment whatever of her 40th birthday (not her first 40th birthday, according to Frasier). Martin tries suggesting perfume ("She gets hives"), chocolates ("Hypoglycaemic"), and roses ("Allergic"), but Niles comes up with the perfect solution - and is well aware that Frasier and Martin will not be on board for it:
-->'''Niles:''' I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. ''[gasps as inspiration strikes]'' It'll be a costumed ball, with a, a Louis ''Quatorze'' theme right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! ''[hurries to the front door and opens it]'' May I presume you're both coming down with colds? ''[Frasier and Martin cough loudly; Niles smiles knowingly]'' And so it goes. ''[leaves]''

[[AC:221: An Affair to Forget]]
* One of Frasier's call-in patients puts him on the trail of a possible affair between Maris and her fencing instructor, Gunter. One can't-keep-his-mouth-shut moment later, Niles is leaping to conclusions and challenging the man to a duel. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PP5wZBGMA4 Here's the entire scene]].
-->'''Niles:''' ''En garde!''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, great! Just what we need: a ''FOURTH'' language!

[[AC:222: Agents in America, Part III]]
* The episode opens in Cafe Nervosa as Bebe Glaser (described by Niles when he spots her but blanks on her name as [[Theatre/{{Macbeth}} "Lady Macbeth without the sincerity"]]) tries to persuade Frasier to aggressively pursue a substantial raise as he negotiates his contract renewal at KACL. She claims to be getting offers from other radio stations every day, and finally, Niles interjects:
-->'''Niles:''' Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table. ''[extends his hand toward Bebe]''\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[shakes Niles' hand]'' Niles, thank God you're here, back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.\\
'''Niles:''' She's the devil, Frasier - run fast, run far.
* Bebe later admits that there are no other job offers, but she does succeed in persuading the station to re-negotiate Frasier's contract from scratch. They celebrate with some champagne... and the next morning, Frasier is horrified to discover that he and Bebe ended up sleeping together as she enters wearing nothing but her shoes and the shirt he was wearing the previous day.
** Martin and Daphne share Frasier's horror:
--->'''Martin:''' ''[hurrying to the kitchen]'' I, uh, think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast. ''[sotto voce]'' While I still can.\\
'''Daphne:''' I better go cook for him. ''[looking at Bebe]'' I know how the Crane men like their [[FreudianSlip legs-]] '''eggs!''' ''[flees to the kitchen]''
** But the funniest reaction is from Niles, when he arrives:
--->'''Bebe:''' ''(answering the door, still only in Frasier's shirt and her own shoes)'' Good morning, Niles! What a lovely surprise! We were just about to sit down to a big family breakfast. Won't you join us?\\
''(Niles gives a ''very'' frozen smile, and rings the doorbell '''again'''. Frasier grimaces and nods, admitting to everything, before waving Niles in)''\\
'''Frasier:''' Come on in, Niles... it's all right. ''(guides Niles into the living room as Bebe snuggles up behind him)'' We were... we were celebrating, you see, the station called to renegotiate my contact.\\
'''Niles:''' Ah. ''(takes in the sight of Bebe and Frasier)'' Paid your commission up front, I see.
** Later, Niles takes a slightly different tack:
--->'''Frasier:''' Well, all right, just go ahead, get your shots in!\\
'''Niles:''' No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
* The final act of the episode involves Bebe faking a suicide attempt in order to make Frasier look like a hero so the negotiations go into his favor. Frasier is not happy upon finding out, as he thought she was going to actually jump because he rejected her advances, down to outright calling her a "crazy bitch". The icing on the cake is provided by Bulldog's reasons for why she shouldn't jump:
-->'''Bulldog''': You got to save her, Doc. [[JerkWithAHeartOfJerk My contract's up in six weeks. She's my agent, too]].
* Ultimately, Frasier tears into Bebe for manipulating him, KACL, the media and the whole of Seattle. Bebe's only response?
-->'''Bebe:''' Aren't you glad I'm on ''your'' side?\\
''(Frasier thinks about this)''\\
'''Frasier:''' You know... I think I am.

[[AC:223: The Innkeepers]]
* In the first scene, Gil reveals to Frasier, Roz, and his listeners that Orsini's, a faded star in Seattle's fine dining firmament, is closing its doors after 53 years. Niles arrives with a first edition of Creator/JohnSteinbeck's ''Saint Katy the Virgin'', and we get a hilarious exchange of snark between Niles and Roz:
-->'''Niles:''' Quite a charming book, really, it's a shame more people haven't read it.\\
'''Roz:''' Ooh, let's see!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[pulling the book away from her]'' Don't - touch! The smallest smudge decreases its value.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[gasps]'' Roz, you're moving! ''[Roz glares at him, grabs the book, and licks the cover before handing it back]''
* The minute details Frasier and Niles mull over after deciding to buy Orsini's in the second third are [[RewatchBonus even better after watching the whole episode]]. Their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: ''Les Frères Heureux.''
--> '''Niles:''' It's friendly, inviting, yet just difficult enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!
* The brothers, in fact, insist that the place will be ''really'' high-tone.
--> '''Frasier:''' Very exclusive. Unlisted number. No advertising.\\
'''Martin:''' Hey, don't stop there. Maybe you could station guards on the roof with machine guns to shoot at people who try to get in!
* The whole last third, set on opening night, becomes a perfect storm of pratfalls, squabbling, and humiliation. The DisasterDominoes start toppling early on when a confusion over the one-way doors in and out of the kitchen leads to two waiters getting a concussion and a broken nose and having to be taken to the hospital by the bartender, conflicting orders from Frasier and Niles about the soufflés lead the head chef to RageQuit, and when Niles gives a FieldPromotion to the sous-chef and comments that the governor has two members of the immigration bureau at his table, the rest of the kitchen staff flee in terror with a cry of "[[BilingualBonus Sacre merde!]]"
* So, inevitably, the regular cast are forced by Frasier to take over, with Niles as the chef, Daphne as the dishwasher, Roz as a waitress, and Martin as the bartender. The kitchen includes a tank of live eels, and Niles is in charge of killing one to cook it.
** "All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels."
** Then Niles asks how he's supposed to kill them, and Frasier tells him he can throw a toaster in the tank for all he cares. Frasier goes out to attend to the customers, and the lights dim.
** Niles decides to hack at an eel with a meat cleaver and is splashing like a moron.
---> '''Frasier:''' What in God's name are you doing? Just reach in there and get it over with!\\
'''Niles:''' Not until I'm sure it's dead!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''Oh, for Heaven's sake!''
** She stalks over, yanks an eel out of the tank, whips it around to smack it against the edge of the table, shoves it in Niles' hand and goes back to the other side of the kitchen. The brothers' expression...
** For extra laughs, pay closer attention [[SomethingElseAlsoRises to the eel Niles is holding]] after Daphne kills it.
* One customer tells Frasier that her veal piccata should be veal marsala. Frasier takes the plate back to the kitchen, and in less time than it takes to read this paragraph, Niles flings the veal over his shoulder to Daphne, who washes it off with the tap as Niles wipes down the plate and holds it out to catch the veal as Daphne flings it back; Niles then ladles marsala sauce over it and Frasier sprinkles garnish over it before taking it back out to the customer.
* The evening's dessert special is cherries jubilee, but Niles and Frasier keep adding more brandy to it without realising the other brother is doing the same. Eventually, the time comes to flambé the cherries, and... you can guess what happens next. The look on Frasier's face right after the explosion is hilarious. The look on Daphne's face when the emergency sprinklers go off (after a fifteen-second delay) is also priceless.
-->'''Roz:''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YGTlRWBolc#t=04m50s Big blue flash. Cherries... everywhere.]]
* Only one customer is ''not'' outraged and infuriated.
--> '''Bulldog:''' [[YourApprovalFillsMeWithShame Great job with the sprinklers, Doc! My date's dress is stickin' to her like Saran Wrap!]]
* And at the end of the evening, we get the payoff of the increasingly patchy memory of long-serving waiter Otto, who has been put in charge of valet parking and keeps having to be reminded who Frasier is when he calls him over the radio. Frasier asks Otto to fetch the car of the customer who had been served the wrong sauce with her veal:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[to the angry, departing customers]'' Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and... exciting innovations in the weeks to come.\\
''[Otto drives the veal customer's car [[CarMeetsHouse straight through the restaurant wall]], sending the customers screaming and fleeing in a panic]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ... starting with our... our drive-through window.

[[AC:224: Dark Victory]]
* Niles tries to go home during a blackout, but soon after comes back to the apartment gasping heavily and looking terrified.
-->'''Niles:''' Nineteen floors--down to my car!--Garage door's electric!--Can't open!--Twenty floors back up!--Lost count!--Bad lady upstairs!--Big dog!--''Need place to die!''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 3]]
[[AC:301: She's the Boss]]
* Because Frasier refuses new station boss Kate Costas' insistence that he give priority to "juicier" calls, she re-assigns him and Roz to a post-midnight graveyard time slot, forcing him to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.
-->'''Frasier:''' I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you outfit him with a '''megaphone!'''
* When Frasier, still angry at Kate for assigning him to a graveyard slot, takes his anger out on Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a ''very'' loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
* As Daphne and Eddie leave, Niles arrives; the B plot revolves around him trying to get a gun for defense, as the security at his house is screwing up. At this point, he's bought a ''starter's pistol'', and while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier runs out of his room [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvMZ6GADNpY#t=318s freaking out about what just happened.]]
-->'''Niles:''' You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, and this way, no-one can get hurt! ''[as he gestures with the gun, he accidentally fires it toward the floor; he jumps up on the sofa in alarm as Martin nearly spills his coffee and Frasier comes barrelling out of his room]''\\
'''Frasier:''' WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? Was that a gunshot?!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[innocently]'' Morning, Frasier, just getting up?\\
'''Frasier:''' '''"JUST GETTING UP"!?''' Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here!\\
'''Martin:''' Niles bought a starter's pistol. \\
'''Niles:''' Yes, and there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know. \\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be '''''GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!'''''
* That night, Frasier and Roz settle in for their first very early morning broadcast.
** Things start off badly; Frasier is sleep-deprived, Roz is cranky after having had to leave a date early to go to work, and their first caller, [[Creator/MatthewBroderick Mark,]] says he works at a 24-hour mini-mart and seems to think his picture on the security camera is a different person to the real him. Cut to later, and Frasier and Roz have both fallen asleep as another caller, [[Creator/CarrieFisher Phyllis,]] relates how she is being driven to despair by chronic insomnia. When they finally wake up, Frasier tries to cover for the fact that he hasn't been listening by telling Phyllis that things might seem clearer to her after a good night's sleep; an outraged and insulted Phyllis slams down the phone. The increasingly frazzled Frasier and Roz proceed to turn on the only available targets: each other.
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[as Roz knocks on the glass and signals that he should go to commercial]'' Oh. Oh. And now, for a word from, um, uh, argh... ''[leafs through the papers on his console]'' someone... uh... I forget, I think they sell paint. ''[pushes button as Roz takes off her headphones and exits her booth]''\\
'''Roz:''' You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career, going down the toilet.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight. ''[buries his face in his hand in despair]''\\
'''Roz:''' Helped!? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[defensively]'' Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!\\
'''Roz:''' Okay, let me make it easy for you: FREAKS! Freaks on Line 1, freaks on Line 2, FREAKS, EVERYWHERE!
** Frasier and Roz pull themselves together, united in opposition to Kate, as they decide to put on a... [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EC5rp7PJ8DQ raunchy broadcast.]] As they tell each other, if they're going down, they're [[TakingYouWithMe taking her with them.]]
--->'''Frasier:''' We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[sexily]'' Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty! ''[she returns to her booth]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Okay! ''[punches a button on his console]'' We're back, Seattle! And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be ''pandering'' to the lowest human instinct! In other words, '''''WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX?''''' Sex, sex, ''sex sex sex sex sex''! ''[Roz plays a sound effect of a whip cracking]'' YEAH! I wanna know who's havin' sex, how you're havin' it, ''I wanna know if you're havin' it RIGHT NOW!''\\
'''Roz:''' Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot, ''[breathily]'' really... HOT.\\
'''Frasier:''' Thank you, Kitty. ''[pushes a button; lustily]'' Hello, caller. What are you wearing?\\
'''[[Creator/TeriGarr Caller:]]''' Nothing. I'm naked.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[as Roz bounces with delight]'' HEY! That's a GREAT idea! Let's all get naked, HEY, I'm gettin' naked '''RIGHT NOW!''' ''[he begins stripping to his underwear]''\\
'''Roz:''' While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?\\
'''Caller:''' Oh, definitely the spanker.\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, then hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! ''[swings them above his head as Roz whoops]''
** Cut to the next morning, as a thoroughly unamused Kate and a sheepish-looking Frasier are listening to a recording of the broadcast.
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[on recording]'' While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!
* The end credits where Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.

[[AC:302: Shrink Rap]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTHjJZaKWOE#t=4m21s Frasier and Niles start a clinic together]]. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:
-->'''Niles:''' I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles, you are not scaring me--the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!\\
'''Niles:''' How dare you try to steal my group!\\
'''Frasier:''' I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it [=FrasierStock=]!
* Frasier finally wins the long-running feud over where the place their ornamental plant:
-->'''Frasier:''' All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs! ''[hurls the plant through the window - without bothering to open it first]''

[[AC:305: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine]]
* Niles poorly trying to cover for his nosebleed, which he gets whenever he's caught in a lie.
--> '''Frasier:''' You just sniffed.\\
'''Niles:''' I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. ''(sniffs)''\\
'''Frasier:''' A snort is out, that was in!

[[AC:306: Sleeping with the Enemy]]
* The episode opens with the news that Kate has imposed a wage freeze for budgetary reasons; Frasier is incensed until Roz points out that only the technical staff are affected, at which point said technical staff are the ones who become incensed at Frasier for his apparent indifference to their plight.
-->'''Roz:''' Frasier, I spent that raise already! On my new diamond earrings! ''[pushes her hair back to show off said items]'' And I love them, I love them so much I ''slept'' with them!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[unable to resist]'' Well... Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, that's a step in the right direction! ''[grins and pats her on the arm]''
* But Frasier does concede that the wage freeze is unfair on the technical staff, although he tells Roz that calling Kate a "Nazi in nylons" is "not your best icebreaker". Roz tries to rally the staff, but only succeeds for a moment:
-->'''Roz:''' Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her!\\
'''Staff:''' Yeah!\\
'''Roz:''' We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has!\\
'''Frasier:''' That's right!\\
'''Staff:''' Yeah!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[as Kate opens the office door]'' She pushes us, we push back! ''[silence from the staff]'' She's standing RightBehindMe, isn't she!\\
'''Kate:''' [[RuleOfThree Yeah!]] ''[Roz looks embarrassed]'' Is there a problem? ''[Roz opens her mouth to speak, but loses her nerve]'' Nope? Good. ''[sweeps off]''
* Once Kate leaves, Roz tries to rally the staff again, and Noel makes a hilariously misguided attempt to be PrettyFlyForAWhiteGuy:
-->'''Roz:''' Okay. If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back. ''[murmurs of agreement from the staff]'' We still have a lot of power here. Now we could go on strike! ''[murmurs of disagreement from the staff]''\\
'''Frasier:''' No, no, you know what, I, I think you should listen to Roz! Every year, in exchange for your hard work, you receive a 5% raise, now, you've fulfilled ''your'' part of the bargain, she has blithely changed the deal!\\
'''Noel:''' In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed".\\
'''Frasier:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Yes... my streetwise friend!]]
* A few careless words later, Frasier ends up "volunteering" to bring the rest of the on-air talent around to the idea of joining their production staff in going on strike. Niles shows up midway through the cocktail party Frasier hosts as part of his charm offensive, and after Frasier convinces Niles that his finger is nowhere near his brother's BerserkButton of not being invited to friends' parties, he reveals that Maris has a... peculiar way of showing her support for working stiffs:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[answering the door to reveal Niles holding a fountain pen]'' Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' Good evening, Frasier, you left your Montblanc in my car, so I... ''[as Frasier takes the pen, Niles trails off as he takes in the sight of the KACL staff sampling the available food and drink]'' Oh. ''[his voice turns ice cold]'' I see cocktails. ''Hors d'oeuvres''. Milling. If I were the suspicious type, I would say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[walks up with a plate of snacks]'' Feel like a wiener, Niles?\\
'''Niles:''' Indeed I do!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[rolls his eyes]'' Niles, this is not a party, and Dad, that is $14 a pound andouille sausage.\\
'''Martin:''' Wow. Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth. ''[walks off]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[rolls his eyes again, and turns to Niles]'' Niles, these people are colleagues from the station, we're here to discuss a labour dispute.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh. Well. ''[to the KACL staff]'' Fight on, people! ''[some of them give him a confused look before returning to their conversations]'' You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris.\\
'''Frasier:''' Mmm.\\
'''Niles:''' Remember, when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? ''[the elevator dings to signal the arrival of more guests for Frasier's party]'' She had him driven back to the border at her ''own'' personal expense! ''[leaves]''
* A bit of creative manipulation by Martin sways the on-air talent, but the technical staff have made a poor choice of spokesman in Noel, who cannot get through an attempt to act tough without getting the giggles. Frasier pulls Roz aside for a word:
-->'''Frasier:''' Our leader is Noel Shempsky!? The man has all the backbone of a paramoecium!\\
'''Roz:''' What- do you think that is ''my'' idea?! Noel and I were the only two who volunteered! 'Course, they voted ''me'' down. ''[getting steadily angrier]'' I'm ''smarter'' than he is, more ''confident'', more ''articulate'', but those stupid little '''wusses''' think I'm a '''[[NotHelpingYourCase hothead!]]'''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[gestures to Roz to calm down]'' But... ''Noel'', Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this, including mine!\\
'''Roz:''' Then ''you'' do it!\\
'''Frasier:''' ME!?\\
'''Roz:''' Yes!\\
'''Frasier:''' No, no, me!?\\
'''Roz:''' Oh, please! Frasier, you've ''got'' to do it-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[over Roz' pleading]'' Me?! No, no, I've done enough already- ''[Noel knocks on the door of Frasier's booth; Frasier opens it]'' WHAT!?\\
'''Noel:''' Dr. Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills, but don't be. I have a secret weapon... ''[exchanges a conspiratorial look with the other staff members]'' I can ''faint'' at will. Check it out. ''[his eyes roll up in his head, and he falls to the floor like a puppet that's had its strings cut]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sighs]'' Okay, people, there's been a coup, '''I''' am now your leader! ''[Roz leads the staff in a cheer of approval]''
* Frasier leads the staff to Kate's office, but they don't stand behind him for long...
-->'''Kate:''' ''[exits her office]'' Well. What have we here?\\
'''Frasier:''' We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it! ''[{{Beat}}; he prompts the staff]'' Don't we?\\
'''Staff:''' Yes!/You better believe it!/Absolutely!...\\
'''Kate:''' All right, but aren't you people still on the clock?\\
'''Staff:''' Yes.../You better believe it.../Absolutely... ''[they quickly disperse]''
* So Frasier speaks to Kate alone, but his confrontation with her becomes a classic example of SlapSlapKiss. When he confesses the truth to Martin and Niles, Daphne becomes especially interested, and chooses a rather... unfortunate way of insisting that nothing Frasier could say will shock her:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[pouring himself a sherry as Daphne clears the dining table]'' I was in her office, and... tempers flared, and... ''[Daphne picks up the coffee pot and heads to the kitchen]'' Next thing I knew, we were... ''locked'' in a ''passionate'' kiss!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[immediately turning back to the living room]'' Ooh! Go on! ''[grins expectantly]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, no need to be shy around me! I'm a professional healthcare worker, I-I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub.\\
'''Martin:''' Okay, Daphne.\\
'''Daphne:''' I've seen his bits!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[embarrassed]'' Hey- oh, for God's sakes! ''[Niles makes a disgusted face]''
* So Frasier tells Martin, Niles, ''and'' Daphne that his kiss with Kate was like nothing he'd ever experienced before: pure sex, almost animalistic in nature.
-->'''Niles:''' [[HaveIMentionedIAmSexuallyActiveToday Oh, well, that, we've all experienced that, who hasn't?]] ''[sputters derisively, then downs a large mouthful of brandy]''\\
'''Daphne:''' I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning, and you don't know ''who'' it will be. ''[sits on the arm of the sofa next to Niles]'' Why, you could be standing next to a person ''[gesturing toward Niles]'' month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. ''[Niles is giving her a LongingLook during this speech; true to form, she doesn't notice]'' There's a word for it.\\
'''Niles:''' "Hope".\\
'''Daphne:''' Hmm? ''[looks at Niles, who tries to look innocent]''
* Martin raises the possibility that Kate initiated the kiss with Frasier to throw him off balance during the contract negotiations and asks who made the first move. Frasier isn't sure, so he tries to re-create the scene, but runs into a bit of a snag:
-->'''Frasier:''' Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side?\\
'''Martin:''' Well, figure it out. Who made the first move, you or her?\\
'''Frasier:''' There ''was'' no first move! It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion!\\
'''Martin:''' There's ''always'' a first move. Think.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sets his sherry on the table by Martin's chair]'' All right. I was standing in front of her desk like so... ''[moves to the front of the coffee table, facing the sofa]'' She was facing me - Niles, you be Kate.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[coldly]'' I ''will not''.\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, just stand up!\\
'''Niles:''' I'm ''always'' the girl! In every prep school play, I was the girl! [[Theatre/{{Camelot}} Guinevere]], [[Theatre/TheMusicMan Marian the Librarian]], [[Theatre/{{Oklahoma}} Ado Annie]], well no more, I'm through with it, when do I get to be [[Theatre/DamnYankees Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO]]?

[[AC:307: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl]]
* The whole sequence where Frasier and Kate's lovemaking session is broadcast over the airwaves is hilarious, especially the reactions of Martin, Daphne, Eddie, and Niles:
-->''[Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes at the dining table while listening to the radio; Eddie is on the chair next to Martin]''\\
'''Newsreader:''' In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[on radio]'' Yes! YES! I am a bad boy! ''[Martin and Daphne recognise Frasier's voice and slowly turn to the radio with shocked expressions, while Eddie climbs up on the back of the chair and looks very interested]'' You dirty girl! Come to your bad boy! ''[cut to Niles, listening on his car radio, mouth wide open with absolute horror]'' Oh, ''yes!''... oh no, is that the "On Air" light!?\\
'''Kate:''' ''[loud whisper]'' Stop talking!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[not quite whispering]'' You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were-\\
'''Kate:''' ''[louder whisper]'' Stop talking!\\
'''Frasier:''' We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still-\\
'''Niles:''' ''[to radio]'' STOP - TALKING! ''[he looks back through his windscreen and slams on the brakes, but too late; he hits the vehicle in front of him, causing the airbag to inflate in his face]''
* The next day, as well as presenting Frasier with a bill for the repairs of his car and the car he rear-ended, Niles reveals that Maris was so embarrassed by Frasier's indiscretion that she has had her name changed on her stationery to "[[ItIsPronouncedTroPAY Maris Crané]]".
* The newspaper headline about the affair:
-->'''I Won't Fink, says Kinky Shrink'''

[[AC:309: Frasier Grinch]]
* There's a Christmas-time delivery mixup between Frasier and a Mr. ''Franklin'' Crane who lives on the other side of the continent. The educational toy Frasier had picked out months ago has gone to the wrong address:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(aghast)'' Do you know what this means?!\\
'''Niles:''' ''(ready to laugh)'' Yes. The Cranes in Maine have got your Living Brain!
* Frasier tries to read a Christmas parable he has written while the KACL Christmas party is going on around him; with Roz having been dismissed early, Gil and Bulldog more than pick up the slack when it comes to trying to derail the story.
** After winding lights and tinsel around him doesn't do the trick, Gil slips out while Bulldog pulls out his lighter and tries to set Frasier's script on fire:
--->'''Frasier:''' One ''[blows out Bulldog's light]'' night, one ''[blows out the lighter again]'' windy night...
** Gil returns with Candy Cane, a Santa-themed stripper Bulldog hired for the party; as she performs, Frasier just about finishes stumbling through the rest of his parable with his dignity mostly intact, then turns to leave, only to come back in, shouting "Oh, what am I, a robot?" and kissing her passionately.
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[triumphantly]'' And to all, a good night!

[[AC:312: Come Lie With Me]]
* Frasier begging Daphne not to leave by noting that if she does, he and Martin will kill one another... then clarifying that he's not being hyperbolic.
-->'''Frasier:''' We will both be dead, only in dad's case he'll [[ItMakesSenseInContext have a dirty sponge sticking out of his mouth]].
* Daphne's solution to Frasier's problem with her dating: BlatantLies and plenty of 'em, claiming Joe was wounded during the Falkland Wars. By a goat, not because he was a participant in the conflict.

[[AC:314: The Show Where Diane Comes Back]]
* Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.
-->''[Frasier is finishing a broadcast; in the background, Roz is on the phone, looking worried]''\\
'''Frasier:''' This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[hangs up the phone and presses the intercom button]'' Frasier, that was security, some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them!\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, don't panic, Roz, probably just one of my more ardent fans.\\
''[in the background, Diane walks past the back window of Frasier's booth; her face lights up, and she taps on the glass. Frasier turns around and she waves at him, all smiles. Smash cut to black... from which the camera pulls back to reveal Frasier's wide open mouth, his face frozen with abject terror]''\\
'''Frasier:''' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-'''''\\
''[cut to Niles' office, where Niles is seeing a patient, Mr. Carr; Frasier bursts through the door]''[[note]] Mr. Carr was previously seen in "Shrink Rap" as one of the members of Niles' therapy group. Apparently Niles' fight with Frasier did not dissuade Mr. Carr from continuing his therapy![[/note]]\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[out of breath]'' Niles we gotta talk, it's urgent!\\
'''Niles:''' Frasier, I'm with a patient!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[turns around and notices Mr. Carr]'' Oh, I'm sorry...\\
'''Mr. Carr:''' ''[standing up]'' Is, uh, this about a woman?\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes.\\
'''Mr. Carr:''' Take all the time you need. ''[leaves]''
* Lilith isn't even in this episode and Niles still gets one of his best quips at her expense:
-->'''Frasier''': She's back! The scourge of my existence!\\
'''Niles''': Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
* When Frasier reveals that Diane has returned, Niles' first instinct is to put himself in the role of Frasier's therapist to get at the root of why he reacted so strongly to her. Frasier, however, orders Niles to put his notepad in a desk drawer - which Niles starts to find frustrating after a few seconds. At the end of the scene, as Frasier leaves his office, Niles immediately takes the pad out again and begins frantically scribbling notes.
-->'''Niles:''' My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[immediately, jumping to his feet]'' NO! Not in the least, it's a ''ridiculous'' suggestion. ''[begins pacing the floor]''\\
'''Niles:''' Seeing as how I have nowhere to ''write'' the phrase "classic denial", I'll move on. So... about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions... is there any lingering resentment?\\
'''Frasier:''' Over WHAT?! ''[falls back into the armchair heavily]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[stands up and walks across to Frasier]'' Well... she did leave you at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid? ''[Frasier avoids eye contact with Niles]'' Any... phrase or feeling you wish you had expressed ''to'' her? ''[Frasier continues to look anywhere but at Niles, obsessively brushing his hand against the arm of the chair]'' I'm making the assumption here that you did ''tell'' her how you felt.\\
'''Frasier:''' ... I sorta did.\\
'''Niles:''' "Sort of" is another of those phrases that just... wants to go in my pad. ''[looks toward his desk drawer and sighs]''\\
'''Frasier:''' I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.\\
'''Niles:''' Frasier, she rejected you in the most ''debilitating'' way a man can be rejected, you've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[gets up, walks to the door, and leans against it]'' I just can't tell Diane how awful she made me feel ''now!'' It's a distant memory for her! I'd feel weak!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[with a supportive smile]'' You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life, too - you have a new career. New... wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[thinks, then turns to Niles]'' You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[beaming]'' You're going to get closure.\\
'''Frasier:''' No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that!
* That evening, Frasier is hell-bent on rubbing Diane's face in the success he has enjoyed since she left him at the altar in 1985, and Daphne makes no attempt to hide how ridiculous she finds his behaviour.
** Frasier insists that his [=SeaBee=] award, which is shaped like the Space Needle, must go in the middle of the mantelpiece, where Diane can't miss it. Daphne says "that seems a bit subtle" and suggests instead using it to serve the olives, spearing one with the point.
** Meanwhile, Frasier puts his Otis Klandenning Man of the Year award, a small silver bowl, on the table next to Martin's chair; when he offers Diane an olive, Daphne holds up the bowl and says "You can spit the pits in here." Which Diane attempts to do - except Frasier pulls it out of the way, and the pit lands in a disgusted Martin's lap.
* As Diane greets Niles for the first time in years, she laughs as she remembers that when he last joined her and Frasier for dinner, he had just started dating "the queerest little creature", who ate everyone's sorbet and then had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat check girl massaged her abdomen. She notices Frasier and Martin staring at her uncomfortably while Niles, who has been estranged from said "little creature" since earlier this season, avoids eye contact:
-->'''Diane:''' Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it, you and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[with an ironic smile]'' No, can't say as we did.
* Niles follows Frasier into the kitchen when he gets the evening's dessert, a plate of profiteroles, out of the fridge to be dusted with powdered sugar. Furious at how Diane appears to have become even more successful than he has done since their failed wedding, he vows to tell her how it really made him feel as he frantically shakes sugar all over the profiteroles. Niles (having used the excuse that Frasier always overpowders to go into the kitchen to begin with) makes a "That's enough" gesture, but Frasier ignores him, and Niles finally puts his hand between the profiteroles and the sugar to save them from a powdery demise.
-->'''Frasier:''' The savage truth this time, there will be no sugar-coating it! ''[grabs the plate]'' And yes, I am aware of the irony! ''[blows the excess sugar off the profiteroles - straight toward Niles, who tries to duck out of the way]''
* Martin making no attempt whatsoever to hide his notice of Diane's facial tic (only sporadically mentioned on ''Series/{{Cheers}}'' as being triggered by emotional distress), especially John Mahoney's delivery of "There it is again!" and Daphne describing it as "either a very large twitch or a very small seizure." The next time it happens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin all scoot back from the table in alarm.
* As it turns out, Diane's life has been in a tailspin for a while; she lost her job writing for ''Series/DrQuinnMedicineWoman'' after accidentally setting Jane Seymour's hair on fire, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her, she lost her beach house, and her friends stopped calling - and when she arrived in Seattle to oversee rehearsals of her play, her backer withdrew the funding. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the sight of Diane's meltdown reminds Niles of another woman prone to such emotional displays...
-->'''Daphne:''' Well. That was a bit scary.\\
'''Martin:''' I'll say. Watching someone go completely crackers like that. ''[Niles sniffles]'' What's the matter with ''you'' now?!\\
'''Niles:''' Nothing, I'm fine. Just... suddenly missing my Maris... ''[Martin rolls his eyes; Daphne gives him a comforting hug]''
* This little exchange, at a point where Frasier has been spending rather more time with Diane than he expected and is clearly starting to feel conflicted about things, and comes across Niles in Cafe Nervosa. And keep in mind that during the following, Niles never says a word:
-->'''Frasier:''' My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Mallies be damned! ''[sits down]'' Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis. ''[to a passing waitress]'' Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you. ''[sighs happily]'' Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! ''[pause; defensively]'' It's tax deductible! ''[the waitress brings his coffee to the table]'' Thank you. ''[to Niles, increasingly agitated]'' Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. ''[sarcastically imitating Niles' voice]'' "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile" -- I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. No, I don't know how long it's going to take. Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you. ''[flounces off in a huff; Niles watches him leave, then picks up his notepad and pen and starts writing]''
* Diane's play, [[HerCodeNameWasMarySue a pretentious stage version]] of ''Series/{{Cheers}}'' with Diane as [[MarySue Mary Anne]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug-vwMEEe7E Words do not do it justice]]. Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes (which she actually stole from Norm) was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of ''"bony fingers!"''
-->'''"Franklin":''' Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting left at the altar thing... I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[eleven years of anger and resentment reach boiling point]'' '''''I'''''... may be able to illuminate that for you! ''[Diane [[OhCrap looks worried]] as Frasier marches up onto the stage]'' What you are feeling is that this woman has... '''reached''' into your chest, '''plucked''' out your heart, and '''thrown it''' to her hellhounds for a '''CHEW TOY!''' ''[Diane is mortified]'' It's not the last time, either. Because that's what this woman is! ''SHE IS THE DEVIL!'' It's no use running away from her! Because no matter how far you go, no matter how many ''years'' you let '''pass''', you will never be completely out of reach of '''those BONY FINGERS!!''' So ''drink hearty'', Franklin, and LAUGH! ''[marches off the stage again and back up the aisle]'' Because you have made a ''pact''--''with BEELZEBUB!!!'' '''AND HER NAME IS ''MARY ANNE!!!'''''\\
''[Diane is stunned into silence as the [[ComicallyMissingThePoint actors applaud]]]''
* A subtler moment from the end of the episode has Frasier walk out the bar door, only to come out after a beat, realizing it's a stage door that doesn't go anywhere.
-->'''Frasier''' ''(abashed):'' Force of habit.\\
'''Diane:''' I've been doing it all week!
* And in TheStinger, Diane's play's use of internal monologues delivered by characters in spotlights on an otherwise darkened stage is spoofed when Martin catches Eddie chewing on a sock. Fade to black, then a spotlight shines on Eddie as a thought bubble appears above him saying "[[AC:I can't help it. It's what I do.]]"

[[AC:316: Look Before You Leap]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjrLyWlCrP8 Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. In addition to being hilarious, it's just so....weird.]] Doubly so because ''John Mahoney is British!'' Perhaps this entry from the comments section of the attached [=YouTube=] video describes it best:
-->'''Matthew Stagg:''' An actor from Manchester playing an American character doing an impression of a Manchester accent but deliberately missing and hitting West Yorkshire (which he surely knows) to an English actress from Essex aiming for a Manchester accent, missing slightly and hitting West Yorkshire. There are layers here people, layers.
* With prodding from Frasier about "taking a leap" on 29 February, Roz gushes about a guy she met on a bus ''on the air'' - and freaks out when she realizes what she just said.
-->'''Roz:''' ''[disgusted]'' Oh my God, oh my God, how could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute," who am I, ''[[Series/TheBradyBunch Marcia Brady!?]]''
* The snowball gag of Niles's exponentially increasing libido, after having gone for ''months'' without sex.
** Maris has cleared her calendar from 7-7:30pm that evening (which means foreplay ''and'' cuddling, according to Niles), but Frasier tells him sex would just cloud the issue of their growing marital difficulties and tells him not to go. But Niles isn't giving up so easily, and he shows up at the radio station trying to rationalise having sex with Maris as his own "leap". Frasier shoots down this idea, leading to this hilarious gem:
--->'''Niles:''' ''[as Roz enters Frasier's booth]'' Frasier, Frasier, what if we don't have sex, what if we just snuggle?\\
'''Roz:''' Whoops, excuse me! ''[drops a paper on Frasier's desk and heads back to her booth... and realises Niles is watching her]''\\
'''Niles:''' Roz... I never noticed what a perky little walk you have. ''[a horrified Roz breaks into a run before sitting back in her chair as Frasier runs after Niles]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles...\\
'''Niles:''' Roz...\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles!...\\
'''Niles:''' Roz...\\
'''Frasier:''' NILES! ''[grabs Niles and pushes him out of Roz' booth]''
** Frasier tells Niles to get control of himself, and Niles vows to "marshal [his] self-discipline and be strong." He leaves the booth and walks past the window behind Frasier - and immediately turns around when he passes a female KACL staffer going in the other direction. As he passes the door to Frasier's booth, Frasier opens it and hurls a glass of water into Niles' face, causing him to turn around immediately again.
* Daphne's reaction to her awful haircut, urged by Frasier. Even more hilarious, Niles thinks her hideously mangled haircut is hot, moaning, "Will these infernal temptations ''never end''?!"
-->'''Daphne:''' ''(sobbing)'' Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! '''Your fault!'''
* With Roz, Martin, and Daphne all worse off for having taken Frasier's "take a leap" idea, Niles defies him and declares he's going to spend the evening with Maris after all. His parting gesture involves gunning down his sherry before hurling his glass into Frasier's fireplace.
-->'''Frasier:''' YOU WILL ''RUE'' THE DAY!\\
'''Niles:''' I DON'T CARE! ''NILES GOTTA HAVE IT!''
* The episode's climax is [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvAWUJCjgQE one of the funniest scenes in the entire series.]] The title card says it all: [[AC:HUH?]]
** Roz is one of the volunteers taking donations by phone for Seattle's Creator/{{PBS}} pledge drive, and she is still angry at Frasier for persuading her to ask out her bus crush over the radio - only to discover he is married and is just looking for a sleazy affair. Such is her ire that she sarcastically declares her admiration for Frasier's courage in singing in Italian under unflattering studio lights with sweat-soaked clothes on live television. Meanwhile, Pete, Frasier's accompanist for his own "leap", the tenor aria "Ella mi fu rapietà" from ''Theatre/{{Rigoletto}}'', tells him that although high notes are no problem for him (he plays one to demonstrate), he's not so sure about Frasier.
--->'''Pete:''' Yo, Doc! Doc! ''[Frasier hurries over to the piano]'' Please. Please, I've been going over your music, and when we get to this section here, either I can play ''really'' loud or jab you with a pin, 'cause between you and me, you're not hitting this note without a pole vault!
** Upon being given the ten-second warning, Frasier snaps and decides to go back to singing his standard, "Buttons & Bows" (originally sung by Creator/BobHope to Creator/JaneRussell in the 1948 western ''The Paleface''). This angers Roz even more, as Frasier is backing out of taking his own leap after forcing her, Martin, Daphne, and Niles to take leaps which all landed them right in it up to their necks. Frasier insists that while an unwise man doesn't learn from his own mistakes, only an absolute idiot doesn't learn from the mistakes of others; this does not placate Roz:
--->'''Roz:''' ''[sarcastically]'' But you promised all your listeners!\\
'''Frasier:''' OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!? ''[the red "live" light on the camera in front of him lights up]'' WHO WATCHES PBS?!... ''[realises his last three words went out live, and switches to his suave radio voice]'' I'll tell you who...
** And then comes the payoff. Savvy viewers know that because Frasier's performance is the culmination of the whole episode, TheShowMustGoWrong, but what really makes it hysterical is how it goes wrong, and how badly. After cowering out of taking his leap and playing it safe, Frasier actually makes things worse for himself - despite having sung the song on live television several times, he only knows about a quarter of the words. The icing on the cake is that Kelsey Grammer was genuinely ad-libbing Frasier's garbled lyrics to make the performance seem more authentically bad, and he tries to grin and dance through it as though nothing is wrong even as more and more of the words come out as gibberish.
*** Things start to unravel before Frasier even gets to the end of the first verse; he knows the first three lines are "East is east and west is west / And the wrong one I have chose / Let's go where you'll keep on wearin'", but all he can remember of "Those frills and flowers and buttons and bows / Rings and things and buttons and bows" is the last three words of each line, so he just improvises "Da da das" to fill the rest of the lines.
*** And then comes the second verse; he remembers "Don't bury me" but fumbles "lovely pea" instead of "on this prairie", can't remember any of the next line,[[note]] "Take me where the cement grows."[[/note]] and starts "Let's move down to some big town" with "Let's all go..." before realising his mistake and ad-libbing the hilarious "to a taco show" so that it still rhymes, and never quite gets the verse back on track.
---->How I- such and thrush, blow my nose\\
You look great in buttons and bows![[note]] The real lines: "Where they love a gal by the cut o' her clothes / And you'll stand out in buttons and bows."[[/note]]
*** For the bridge, he only gets through "I love you in buckskin" before dissolving into unintelligible grunting, turning his back to the camera, and mopping his brow, while the phone volunteers look more and more confused at what they're seeing. He tries to get things back on track by shouting "Everybody!" before the third verse - and comes up with "My bones denounce the fearful trounce / La la-la la mole that grows".[[note]] Only the first four words are correct; it should be "My bones denounce the buckboard bounce / And the cactus hurts my toes."[[/note]] After that, it's all downhill, and Roz can only grin triumphantly at Frasier's brush with LaserGuidedKarma:
---->Ba-da seuss, a palm caboose\\
And a mebby hawd and pantyhose\\
You look buppity buttons and bows![[note]] The real lines: "Let's vamoose to where they're usin' / Those silks and satins and linens that shows / And you're all mine in buttons and bows."[[/note]]
** Cut to Martin and Daphne laughing uproariously at Frasier's disastrous performance of the song's marathon final line, which he renders as a series of nonsense syllables that finally end with "buttons and bows".[[note]] The real lyrics: "Gimme eastern trimmin' / Where women are women / In high silk hose / And peek-a-boo clothes / And French perfume / That rocks the room / And you're all mine... in buttons and bows."[[/note]] They try to rewind and watch it again, only for Eddie to run off with the TV remote.
* In TheStinger, Niles stops by to console Frasier, who asks him if he had sex with Maris after all. Though we cannot hear the dialogue, we can see Niles smiling reassuringly while mouthing "No" repeatedly. But as Frasier walks off, Niles scratches behind his ear and finds a dollop of creme fraiche, one of his and Maris' favourite substances to lick off each other...

[[AC:317: High Crane Drifter]]
* In the setup for this episode, Frasier seems to be on the receiving end of rude or selfish behaviour from the entire population of Seattle, especially from his upstairs neighbour, Freddie Chainsaw, who blasts the music of his own band, the Newport Chainsaws, at such high volumes that Frasier's whole apartment shakes. Daphne shrugs it off, saying that she used to live upstairs from a punk band who endlessly rehearsed a song that, according to her, went "Flesh is burning!... ''[imitating guitar]'' Da-na na-na na-na..." She then sighs that she'll have that song stuck in her head all day now. Later in the episode, she is subconsciously singing it again... ''and so is Martin!''
--> '''Frasier''': (''as Freddie Chainsaw plays his music'') [[SexDrugsAndRockNRoll Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?]]
* The last straw for Frasier comes when Doug Harvey, a Cafe Nervosa patron, sweeps in and steals a table from him and Niles while they were busy thanking its previous occupants for leaving; when Doug shows no remorse whatever for his callous act, Frasier literally throws him out of the cafe while telling him he needs "an etiquette lesson", to wild applause from the other patrons. The Seattle papers run a column applauding how he took a stand against rudeness, but when he goes to work the next day, he discovers the downside of setting a bad example as his show becomes a parade of tales of DisproportionateRetribution.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[presses a button on his console and begins his show]'' Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?\\
'''Roz:''' We have Mitch on Line 3, he's having trouble with his neighbours.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[presses the button for Line 3]'' Hello, Mitch.\\
'''[[Creator/JerryOrbach Mitch]]:''' Make that "''had'' trouble." The idiot next door had his leaf blower going at 7am. ''Again''.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, that is very inconsiderate.\\
'''Mitch:''' Yeah, I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an etiquette lesson. ''[Frasier chuckles]'' I grabbed that leaf blower and smashed it against a tree! ''[Frasier's smile is immediately replaced by a shocked look; Roz laughs]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ... Mitch, I must say, I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a... minor infraction.\\
''[dissolve to later; Frasier has removed his blazer and loosened his tie as he listens to another caller]''\\
'''[[Creator/BillyBarty Chris]]:''' ... so I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner! Come on summer!\\
''[dissolve to still later; Frasier has unbuttoned his sweater vest and rolled up his sleeves as he listens to yet another caller]''\\
'''[[Creator/EricIdle Chuck]]:''' Hey, he asked for it. So I... put one hundred scorpions in a [=FedEx=] package. ''[even Roz looks perturbed by this]''[[note]] Continuity mistake: Frasier's tie goes from around his neck to lying on the desk either side of Roz' reaction shot.[[/note]]\\
'''Frasier:''' Look, I- I'm sorry, but... no matter how provoked you may have been, there- there is no earthly justification for ''[dissolve to even later still]'' SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE! ''[Roz grins; Frasier's tie and sweater vest are now on the desk next to him]''\\
'''[[Creator/JanePauley Rochelle]]:''' But she doesn't curb her dogs! ''[Frasier puts his hand to his forehead and sobs quietly]''
* Finally admitting that he was as out of line as his callers, Frasier tries to apologise to Doug, only to get slapped with an assault lawsuit now that a cafe full of witnesses have heard him admit to throwing him out. Then Niles intervenes in one of David Hyde Pierce's greatest performances:[[note]] The title card for this fracas? "[[AC:NO ACTORS WERE HURT DURING THE FILMING OF THIS SCENE]]".[[/note]]
-->'''Niles:''' Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers. What other behaviour would you expect... from a chicken?\\
'''Doug:''' ... what did you say?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[glares at Doug]'' I was speaking to my brother. ''[standing up]'' But, to put it in language you can understand: ''[imitates chicken clucking]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[mortified]'' Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself!\\
'''Doug:''' ''[to Frasier]'' Hey, your brother's making trouble here-\\
'''Niles:''' Ooh, ooh, ooh, what are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles, ''stop it!'' Please excuse him...\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from ''penis envy!'' ''[grins and bounces up and down excitedly on his heels]''\\
'''Doug:''' You look here, buddy...\\
''[Doug prods Niles in the shoulder - and, in a masterclass of physical comedy, Niles reels backward as though punched, knocking over two chairs, a table, and a hat stand before falling onto a second table, breaking it and sending its contents spilling everywhere]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[racing over to his brother]'' NILES! Niles, are you all right?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[pulls Frasier close and whispers]'' ''Countersuit''.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[jumps up melodramatically]'' OH MY GOD! NOBODY MOVE HIM!\\
'''Doug:''' I barely ''touched'' him!\\
'''Frasier:''' THEN YOU ADMIT YOU TOUCHED HIM! He admits it! ''[Niles groans]'' Oh, Niles, Niles, I'm here for you, I promise you we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! ''[sotto voce]'' My God, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[pained]'' I landed on a fork.

[[AC:318: Chess Pains]]
* Frasier, Daphne, and Martin meet Niles' new dog, Girl...who, it is painfully obvious to everyone ''except'' Niles, is a four-legged doppelganger for Maris--down to the ridiculously aloof and spoiled personality (and the fact that Niles seems emasculated to slave status). After [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9hG_3dGry8 an involved and multi-layered sequence where Frasier, Martin and Daphne can only stare wide-eyed at the spectacle...]]
--> '''Daphne:''' Am I the only one - \\
'''Frasier/Martin:''' No.\\
'''Daphne:''' Does Dr. Crane have any idea?\\
'''Frasier/Martin:''' No.

[[AC:320: Police Story]]
* At the end of the episode, Frasier's feeling low, thanks to a cop he'd been interested in preferring Martin, and working late at KACL, where Roz has been planning to throw a surprise party. Roz initially tries to be sympathetic, or at least get him to not talk about his romantic dry spell while the co-workers are hiding in her booth... until Frasier snaps at her, at which point she throws the door open so they can hear every embarrassing detail.

[[AC:321: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired]]
* The first scene features a classic zinger from Niles directed at the absent Bebe Glaser:
-->'''Frasier:''' Daphne, has Bebe Glaser called back yet?\\
'''Daphne:''' 'Fraid not!\\
'''Niles:''' You're still consorting with that... ''barracuda''!?\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. No, it's just that, uh, the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. ''[the doorbell rings; Frasier leaves to answer it]'' I must admit, she's... rather hard to get a hold of these days!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times. ''[Martin almost spits out the mouthful of coffee he has just drunk]''
* The ringer of the doorbell is not Bebe but Roz, who arrives just as Daphne is introducing Niles and his newly reduced cash flow to the wonderful world of coupon cutting, setting up a glorious moment of Roz-Niles snark:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[reading a flyer of coupons]'' This is great! I don't even know what Renuzit is, but it's 20 cents off and I ''want'' it![[note]] It's a brand of air freshener made by the Dial Corporation, for the curious.[[/note]] ''[he begins cutting out the coupon]''\\
'''Roz:''' ''You're'' clipping coupons?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[proudly]'' I'm ''economising!''\\
'''Roz:''' Ah. Well, it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.\\
'''Niles:''' She said authoritatively.
* Frasier learns from Roz that KACL's new owner is Texan media millionaire Wilfred S. "Big Willy" Boone; Daphne drily observes that such a nickname offers a telling glimpse into his psyche, and Frasier clearly feels uncomfortable using it. When he finally meets the man, Big Willy insists on being addressed as such:
-->'''Big Willy:''' Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.\\
'''Big Willy:''' Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."\\
'''Frasier:''' Don't be silly, Big Willy. ''[Roz visibly struggles not to laugh]''
* It emerges that Big Willy wants Frasier to help his fiancée quit smoking (and makes it clear that this is an order, not a request); if she doesn't, he will call off their engagement. Frasier gets a nasty shock when he discovers who Big Willy's fiancée is...
-->'''Frasier:''' That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler. ''[sits down and pinches the bridge of his nose]''\\
'''Roz:''' Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication!\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[appearing in the doorway]'' Did someone just say the word "syndication", or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favourite client! ''[walks toward Frasier, arms outstretched]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[still despairing]'' Oh, Bebe... ''[embraces her and kisses her on either cheek]''\\
'''Bebe:''' Is something wrong, dear? ''[Frasier half-moans, half-sobs; we see Big Willy talking to two other station employees through the back window]''\\
'''Roz:''' We just met Big Willy.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sitting down again]'' Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician, he wants me to play therapist to his little fiancée, no doubt some gold-digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin just- ''[he and Roz notice Bebe and Big Willy making kissy faces at each other through the glass]'' oh, dear ''God!''... ''[{{Facepalm}}s]''\\
'''Bebe:''' Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at first sight!\\
'''Roz:''' First sight of what? [[GoldDigger His bankbook and a cardiogram!?]]\\
''[Bebe grins broadly.]''
* Big Willy gives Frasier three days to get Bebe to quit smoking; their first therapy session seems to go well as Frasier gets to the heart of why Bebe smokes in the first place. Niles' arrival interrupts their session (ironically, as Frasier is musing on Bebe's fear of abandonment), and his economy drive has taken an interesting turn:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[opening the door to reveal his brother with a paper shopping bag]'' Niles!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[setting down the bag]'' Hello, Frasier! I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this. ''[reaches into the bag and produces a jar of capers almost a large as his own head; he grins proudly]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[taking the jar hesitantly]'' Thank you, Niles, but, uh... why so many?\\
'''Niles:''' I just discovered a place called Price Buster's Warehouse! You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a ''huge'' selection! I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle!\\
'''Frasier:''' Well. ''[sets the jar down on the console table]'' The next time you go back, be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.\\
'''Niles:''' You laugh, but I could do it like ''that. [snaps his fingers]''
* Bebe thanks Frasier for the therapy session, but as she is about to leave, Niles stalls her by claiming he wants her input for a paper he is writing on addiction. As a clearly tense Bebe heads for the kitchen, Niles tells Frasier she will smoke half a pack of cigarettes before she even gets down to the lobby of Frasier's building. Martin and Daphne enter in the middle of this conversation and are not happy about the proposed solution:
-->'''Niles:''' I ''know'' about addiction. It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years. The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her like a hawk 'til it's out of her system!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[dubious]'' Well, I mean, she'd have to stay here for the weekend!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[entering with Martin and Eddie]'' Who's staying all weekend?\\
'''Niles:''' Bebe Glaser.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[horrified]'' HERE!?\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[equally horrified]'' What does she have to stay ''here'' for?!\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, she's trying to quit smoking.\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, great. That means she'll be ''extra'' lovable. ''[unfastens Eddie's leash; Eddie scampers off in a panic]''
* Sure enough, Bebe is lighting up in the kitchen, and as she overhears Frasier insist that she has made progress, she stuffs her still lit cigarette in her handbag, and is unaware that smoke is pouring out of it as she returns to Frasier's living room...
-->'''Bebe:''' I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with the paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. ''[to Frasier]'' But I'll remember those helpful hints, it's exercise, gum, and lots of water. ''[Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin all notice the smoke coming out of Bebe's handbag]''\\
'''Niles:''' Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires. ''[Bebe notices the smoke and starts hitting her handbag to extinguish the cigarette]''\\
'''Frasier:''' All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend, now give me that purse! ''[Niles locks the front door]''\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[defeated]'' All right, just... let me remove one very precious memento...\\
'''Frasier:''' Very well. ''[Bebe opens her handbag, puts it over her face, and breathes deeply]'' Oh, stop it! ''[pulls the bag away from her]''
* Bebe's borderline erotic description of how smoking a cigarette makes her feel sets off Daphne's own sporadic smoking tendencies, and at 5:30am, she sneaks onto the balcony and lights up, waking up a sleeping Bebe on the sofa. Now desperate for a cigarette herself, Bebe locks Daphne on the balcony in the rain and refuses to let her in unless she gives her a smoke; Daphne retaliates by holding the pack over the edge of the balcony, threatening to drop it unless Bebe unlocks the door. Finally, Frasier enters and switches on the lights; the payoff comes when Bebe and Daphne deliver their lines in the following exchange like two young children caught fighting by their parents:
-->'''Frasier:''' What the hell's going on out here?\\
'''Bebe:''' Daphne was smoking!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''She'' made me!
* Frasier takes the cigarettes from Daphne and, after finding Martin smoking in the powder room while fetching a towel for a soaked Daphne, orders everyone to go back to bed. However, Bebe suddenly grabs the pack of cigarettes, then shoves Daphne face first onto the sofa when she tries to cut off her escape route; Frasier finally wrests the cigarettes from Bebe's grasp, only for her to jump on his back and try to grab them back. As Martin declares "All right, that's it, no more houseguests!" and heads back to bed, Frasier and Bebe are wrestling on the floor over the cigarettes, and after a moment, Frasier manages to pin her:
-->'''Bebe:''' GET OFF ME, YOU BRUTE!\\
'''Frasier:''' HAND THEM OVER!\\
'''Bebe:''' '''''NEVER!'''''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[as the phone rings]'' That'll be the neighbours! ''[answers the phone]'' Hello! ''[politely]'' Oh! Hello. One moment, please. ''[covers the mouthpiece and brings the handset over to Frasier]'' It's Big Willy!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[takes the phone from Daphne, his tone suddenly becoming pure professionalism and politeness]'' Big Willy! Hello! ''[laughs]'' No, no, it's not too early! Everybody's up! ''[Bebe thrashes and growls like a trapped wild animal throughout the following]'' Yes, well, there've been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her... Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say "hi"! ''[holds the phone toward Bebe]''\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[immediately stops thrashing and growling, her tone suddenly becoming pure Southern-accented adoration]'' Hello, puddin'!... I'm fine, and you?... Oh, nothin's too much trouble for you, daddy. Bye now!

[[AC:322: Frasier Loves Roz]]
* There are two {{Time Skip}}s in this episode, and the title cards' depiction of them is a delight:
-->[[AC:NO ONE SAID ANYTHING PARTICULARLY AMUSING FOR TWO WEEKS, AND THEN...]]\\
[[AC:ANOTHER CURIOUSLY HUMORLESS WEEK PASSED UNTIL...]]
* Frasier's advice to a depressed Roz that she try seeking a more stable relationship than she usually does backfires disastrously when she begins dating a man named Ben Collins, whom Niles reveals as a patient of his who goes through women so quickly that he doesn't bother to remember their names and calls them all "Sunshine". Unable to tell Roz what Niles told him in confidence, he becomes increasingly agitated at the mention of Ben's name. Roz finally confronts Frasier over this, leading to a hilarious example of IsThisThingStillOn:
-->'''Roz:''' Listen, Frasier... I'd like to think that there's some small part of you that's happy for me. After all, it was your advice that got me this far.\\
'''Frasier:''' Of ''course'' I'm happy for you.\\
'''Roz:''' Thanks. ''[heads into her booth]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[putting on his headphones]'' Me and my stupid advice... ''[realises the "On Air" light is on]'' ... will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
* Martin's message to future generations, as Niles records with a video camera. He can't resist trolling:
-->'''Martin''' ''(into the camera)'': My name is Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But ''now''...''(bulging eyes)'' '''I'm ''dead''...!'''\\
''([[DisapprovingLook Niles slumps]])''\\
'''Martin''': ''Trapped'' in a ''box'', underground...! Pretty ''scary'', huh...?! ''(EvilLaugh)''\\
'''Niles''': ''(Stops recording)'' Dad, surely you must have ''some'' message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century--?!\\
'''Martin''': Alright, alright, I do.... ''(To the camera, as Niles resumes)'' Remember to always work hard...and that family comes first. ''(Play-squirms, sighs)'' And...I have a million ''bucks''...in unmarked bills...that I took off a drug dealer, that I have stashed in my old army footlocker. The combination is Left 15...Right 32...Le--\\
''({{Beat}}, starts "choking"...and collapses in his chair.)''\\
'''Niles''' ''(rolling his eyes, then focusing the camera on himself):'' Future generations... see what I had to put up with?
* Frasier and Niles are searching for a way they can warn Roz about Ben without breaching Niles' doctor-patient confidentiality. Eventually they try to prove that Roz is ''clinically insane:''
-->'''Niles''': Can we argue that she is delusional?\\
'''Frasier''': Well, she often claims to be the true force behind the success of my show.\\
'''Niles''': Borderline, borderline. Has she ever displayed signs of mental incompentence?\\
'''Frasier''': ''(thinks for a moment)'' She once [[FelonyMisdemeanor ordered a White Zinfandel!]]\\
'''Niles''': ''(triumphantly)'' Go to her, Frasier; she's a danger to herself!\\
'''Frasier''': It's a miracle they even let the woman drive!

[[AC:323: The Focus Group]]
* Of the twelve random citizens called in to give their opinion of ''The Dr. Frasier Crane Show,'' eleven are positive: one man, [[Creator/TonyShalhoub Manu]], says, "I don't like it... I don't like ''him."'' It digs at Frasier, who can't let it go. He spots Manu (a news-stand owner) while driving Martin and Niles to dinner and ''insists'' on getting to the root of Manu's dislike of him.
** While Niles insists they've stopped in a bad part of town and overreacts accordingly, Frasier sends Martin over to Manu with a badly-conceived cover story about being a businessman from Cleveland who is having a bad month, saw Frasier's face on the side of a bus, and wants to get Manu's opinion on the merits of calling his show. Martin goes over to Manu... and immediately introduces himself as Frasier's father.
** Not satisfied with Manu's explanation that he finds the show a bit annoying, Frasier goes over in person to quiz him. The first of the DisasterDominoes falls when Frasier accidentally spills Yoo-hoo all over Manu, and as they keep toppling, Martin [[FacePalm covers his face,]] while Niles watches - fascinated in a horrified kind of way:
--->''[after Frasier accidentally closes the metal shutter of Manu's newsstand on his hand, and Manu hurries off to a nearby restaurant to put ice on it while Frasier offers to "hold down the fort"]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[matter-of-factly]'' He's crushed the gentleman's hand... and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[resignedly]'' Uh-huh.\\
''[moments later, after a still-lit cigar in an ashtray Frasier put on the floor of the newsstand has caused the whole stand to catch fire]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[still matter-of-factly, resting his face on his hand]'' Oh, my God. Frasier's set his newsstand on fire.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[still covering his face, but now sinking down further in his seat]'' Mm-hmm.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 4]]
[[AC:401: The Two Mrs. Cranes]]
* The SnowballLie. Once Martin is clued into it, he starts screwing with everyone. The web of lies becomes so messy, everyone has to pause before deciding it's safe to give Eddie's name.
* The ''beautiful'' punchline to the entire thing.
-->'''Daphne:''' We're not the horrible people you think we are!\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes! The truth is - we've been lying to you all night!
* And there's also Niles' elated giggle after Daphne introduces him as her husband.
* Martin amuses himself and spites his sons by claiming he used to be an astronaut.
-->'''Clive:''' Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.\\
'''Niles:''' That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-Crane.\\
'''Martin:''' ''(wistfully)'' I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.

[[AC:402: Love Bites Dog]]
* Niles decides to advertise his practice and gives Frasier a copy of the ad.
-->'''Frasier:''' All right. ''(reading)'' "Dr. Niles Crane. Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts". Well, that's just excellent, Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!\\
'''Niles:''' Sorry I didn’t hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
* Of course, the ad company accidentally prints a FreudianSlip. HilarityEnsues.
-->'''Frasier:''' "Dr. Niles Crane. Hung specialist." ''({{beat}})'' Oh my.\\
'''Niles:''' The rest of it was surprisingly accurate. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups..." ''({{beat}})'' "Satisfaction guaranteed"... ''(looks at Frasier with some consternation)'' "Tell me where it hurts."\\
'''Frasier:''' Well... any calls?\\
'''Niles:''' It's a telethon.
* Everything about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsyXV-B3uGk Frasier talking "like a guy" to get Bulldog back in gear]], but ''especially''...
-->'''Bulldog:''' I like the sound of this.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(Gruff)'' Yeah? So do I! It's unattractive--yet liberating, rather like [[TooMuchInformation the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit...!]]
* Frasier talking "like a guy" doesn't work too well with Niles however.
-->'''Niles:''' ''[hanging up a pay phone in the KACL corridors]'' Distressing news, Frasier: Francois gave away our table.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[still on a testosterone rush from talking to Bulldog]'' SCREW HIM!\\
'''Niles:''' ... excuse me?\\
'''Frasier:''' You heard what I said! We don't need him ''or'' his ''stinky'' little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town, I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! ''[without missing a beat, Niles [[GetAHoldOfYourselfMan slaps Frasier hard across the face]]; Frasier calms down]'' Thank you, Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' You're welcome.

[[AC:403: The Impossible Dream]]
* Frasier has a weird dream involving Gil. After talking it out with Niles he thinks he's resolved the issue causing him to have the dream and declares loudly:
-->'''Frasier:''' Thank God! Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing there'll be no motel room, no tequila bottle and ''no naked man in my bed!''\\
''[Sees the waitress standing behind him]''\\
'''Frasier:''' So then, the rabbi says...
* Frasier and Martin have an exchange where Martin notes that the reason he didn't take Frasier to see ''Film/WestSideStory'' as a child was because gangs were scary:
-->'''Frasier:''' Even gangs that dance?\\
'''Martin:''' Especially gangs that dance!
* Martin and Daphne trolling people in the elevator by having "secret" conversations literally behind their backs--on such awesome nonsense as Daphne being in Witness Protection (with Martin as her FBI handler) and their engaging in international smuggling!
-->'''Daphne:''' How'd you get the stuff through customs?\\
'''Martin:''' ''(smugly)'' They never check the prosthetic leg.
* The punch line of the episode: UsefulNotes/SigmundFreud appearing to Frasier in a dream to congratulate him on figuring out the Gil dream. [[OhCrap And to get into bed.]]

[[AC:406: Mixed Doubles]]
* When Daphne is introducing her new boyfriend Rodney, an eerie doppelganger of Niles, to Frasier and Martin, Martin gets a call from Duke:
-->'''Martin:''' Sorry Duke, I can't talk right now; I'm in Series/TheTwilightZone!
* Later, Niles and Frasier discover that Rodney on a date at Cafe Nervosa with Niles' new girlfriend Adelle, and Niles is furious - on Daphne's behalf.
-->'''Frasier:''' Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight! [[IdenticalStranger The whole thing would just look too]] ''[[IdenticalStranger weird]]''!
* As Niles leaves to break the news of Rodney's infidelity to Daphne, Frasier has one last question for him:
-->'''Frasier:''' You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney... do you have an older brother?\\
'''Rodney:''' As a matter of fact, I do. ''[bitterly]'' He's always been the pride of the family. Handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[smirking to himself]'' Spooky... ''[exits, leaving Rodney and Adelle thoroughly confused]''

[[AC:407: A Lilith Thanksgiving]]
* As the episode opens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin are preparing to spend a "rustic" Thanksgiving in the mountains with Freddie and Lilith (Niles' last-minute checklist includes a case of fine wine and confirmation of the delivery time of the Thanksgiving dinner, suggesting that the day will be about as rustic as a visit to the Space Needle). Niles is dejected at the idea of spending Thanksgiving without Maris, and Martin is less than thrilled at having to spend the holiday with Lilith, leading to an unwinnable war of insults between the Crane brothers:
-->'''Martin:''' Well, if it makes you feel any better, I won't be having my dream Thanksgiving either. Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway!?\\
'''Frasier:''' She just didn't want to spend the holiday alone, her... husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano!\\
'''Martin:''' Why couldn't she go with him?!\\
'''Niles:''' Well, because, if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two. ''[he and Martin laugh]''\\
'''Frasier:''' As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury! ''[Niles looks outraged and sets down his sherry glass in preparation to return fire]''\\
'''Martin:''' Guys, let it go, nobody's gonna win this one.
* Just then, the phone rings...
-->'''Frasier:''' Hello?... Yes, Lilith!... yes, Lilith... yes, Lilith...\\
'''Martin:''' ''[to Niles]'' Gee, it's like they're still married.
* Lilith has called with news that Freddie has passed the entrance exam to the Marbury Academy, Boston's most prestigious prep school, but the headmaster, Dr. Campbell, needs to interview them before a final decision can be made, and he can only see them on Thanksgiving morning. So the Cranes' Thanksgiving is transferred from Seattle to Boston, and their arrival at Lilith's house heralds a classic example of Niles-Lilith sniping:
-->'''Lilith:''' ''[opening the fridge]'' Niles... I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule, so I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey. ''[removes the turkey from the fridge and shuts the door with her hip]''\\
'''Niles:''' Oh. Well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but, uh... ''[sees an open cookbook on the kitchen table]'' the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?\\
'''Lilith:''' ''[putting the turkey in a roasting tin and patting it dry with kitchen roll]'' I'm nearly done defrosting.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[unable to resist this opening]'' And the turkey? ''[Martin tries not to laugh]''\\
'''Lilith:''' ''[unamused]'' Might I suggest you stuff it?
* Followed almost immediately by a classic example of Frasier-Lilith sniping:
-->'''Frasier:''' My God... are you half as nervous as I am?\\
'''Lilith:''' And then some.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, we have got to master our nerves! It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. ''[an idea occurs to him]'' L-Lilith, do you still keep the valium with the contraceptives?\\
'''Lilith:''' Sorry. I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[like brother, like brother...]'' I'll assume you meant the valium. ''[tries and fails to hide his smirk]''\\
'''Lilith:''' ''[as unamused as she was by Niles' snark]'' Perhaps before the interview, you should ''sheathe'' that butter knife-sharp wit of yours.\\
'''Frasier:''' Ah. Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that '''bun''' of yours a notch or two!
* Meanwhile, Martin and Niles are trying to keep Freddie entertained, but instead succeed in turning him into a walking disaster magnet.
** First, Martin insists on playing catch with Freddie, only to hit him in the eye with the baseball, leaving him with a very obvious bruise. As Freddie goes outside to retrieve his [=MedicAlert=] bracelet, Niles chides Martin for his choice of activity:
--->'''Martin:''' I still don't know how it happened, I lobbed it right to him!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[opening a jar of dried herbs and sprinkling them into a measuring cup]'' Oh, when are you going to learn, Dad, the only things the Crane boys are skilled at catching are sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
** Martin and Niles agree not to engage Freddie in any further activities that might cause him harm while they are staying with Lilith. Seconds later, Freddie returns with his [=MedicAlert=] bracelet - just as Niles opens the freezer door straight into his face, leaving him with a bloody nose. Martin hurries Freddie upstairs to give him medical attention as they hear Frasier and Lilith return:
--->'''Niles:''' Wait, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith??\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, I don't know! How did you give Maris bad news?\\
'''Niles:''' Well, usually by breaking a tranquilliser into her [=SlimFast=].
** To make Freddie feel better, Martin gives him bubble gum, but as he has two cotton buds up his nostrils, he has to breathe through his mouth and it pops straight into his hair, leaving Martin with no alternative but to cut it.
--->'''Martin:''' Uh, you think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?\\
'''Niles:''' Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye.
** Niles, meanwhile, tries to make Freddie feel better by letting him lick the spoon he has used to make remoulade, a treat he remembers Hester giving him when he was Freddie's age. Unfortunately, the poor lad is horribly allergic to anchovies, breaking out in hives in seconds. Frasier and Lilith choose this moment to return again:
--->'''Martin:''' Freddie! You got any pills for this?\\
'''Freddie:''' I got pills for ''everything''.
** Unfortunately for Freddie (and fortunately for Martin and Niles), none of his misfortune crosses Frasier and Lilith's radar, as they are too busy sabotaging his chances of getting into Marbury through overthinking things, leading to a climax to the subplot that represents one of the series' better moments of silent comedy. Dr. Campbell makes the mistake of implying that if Frasier and Lilith can produce a fully cooked turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner (his own having failed to cook properly), he might let Freddie into the school (actually just a ploy to get rid of them once and for all). In a dialogue-free scene, Niles bastes the turkey as Martin races into the kitchen, grabs an ice pack from the freezer, and races out again, followed by Niles with a bottle of wine and an exasperated look. While they are out of the kitchen, Frasier and Lilith return, take the turkey out of the oven, and carry it out to the car. As the timer goes off, Niles returns, then opens the oven, and is thoroughly confused to find the turkey gone. He even checks the other oven.

[[AC:408: Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHWoYoW5zWA The "bull painting" incident]], leading to Frasier, Martin, and Niles having an [[EverybodyCries epic cryfest...]]
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(crying)'' I made...''our father '''cry!'''''\\
'''Martin:''' ''(crying)'' [[BlatantLies I'm not CRYING!]]\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, ''I am! I'm the most--ungrateful son there is!''\\
'''Martin:''' ''I can never do anything for my sons!''\\
'''Niles:''' ''({{beat}}, then bawls)'' ''[[{{Wangst}} No one wants to come TO MY PARTY!!!]]''

[[AC:412: Death and the Dog]]
* Because the episode is told as a WholeEpisodeFlashback by Frasier on a particularly slow day to a [[Creator/PattyDuke caller]] who says she has suddenly spiralled into a depressive funk, we get some hilarious LampshadeHanging when the story includes the B-plot about Roz' date with gynaecologist Stephen Kagen. Initially, the story is interrupted by Roz hammering on the glass and glaring at Frasier while holding up her clipboard, on which she has written "Why are you telling her '''this?'''" Later, after Roz attempts to tell some of the story herself and Frasier cuts her off, the flashback shifts to a {{Squick}}ed Roz arriving at Frasier's apartment to reveal that her date turned out to be a collector of antique gynaecological equipment - cut back to the present as an irate Roz upends a cup of water over Frasier's head.
* The episode's A plot revolves around Eddie spiralling into a similarly depressive funk to Frasier's caller, hence his decision to tell the story. Early in the episode, Frasier gets into an argument with Martin and Daphne over their belief that Eddie can understand human speech; cut to the scene from Eddie's POV, and it seems Frasier's right, as all three are speaking complete gibberish apart from the occasional "Eddie". Moments later, after Martin suggests bringing in a dog psychiatrist, Frasier and Niles begin throwing around psychological terms, and we cut to Martin's POV as their conversation devolves into gibberish apart from the occasional "Dad".
* When Arnold Shaw, the dog psychiatrist, interviews the three Crane men and Daphne, Frasier and Niles spend most of the interview snarking, especially once Shaw starts giving Martin a personality quiz regarding how he thinks Eddie would behave as a human being. Daphne's contributions to the quiz involve giving her answers after very long pauses, and following them up immediately with "I don't know why." Once Shaw and Eddie have gone into Martin's room for a one-on-one session, we get this gem:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[completely out of the blue]'' If Eddie were one of Music/TheBeatles... I think he'd be Music/{{George|Harrison}}. I don't know why. ''[exits to the kitchen]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[to Niles, imitating Daphne's vocal inflections]'' And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why!
* After everyone gets massively depressed, the real reason for Eddie's behavior comes out: His favorite toy, a naked Barbie doll, had gotten stuck down the back of the couch. Once he's got it back, he's happy again.
* This exchange, as everyone's thinking about death:
-->'''Frasier:''' We know for whom the bell tolls.\\
''(microwave pinger goes off. Everyone looks around nervously)''\\
'''Martin:''' Everyone heard that, right?

[[AC:413: Four for the Seesaw]]
* Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:
-->'''Niles:''' These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!\\
'''Beth:''' Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? ''[{{Beat}}]''\\
'''Niles:''' Curse these infernal riddles!

[[AC:414: To Kill a Talking Bird]]
* Frasier finally tells Niles that his dog is a substitute for Maris. Niles denies this haughtily, but then:
-->'''Frasier:''' Oh? Remember when Maris wore that pillbox hat to the Duchamps' wedding?\\
''(takes a small flowerpot and puts it on the dog's head. Niles '''faints''' from the realization)''
* One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, as he brags about the new apartment complex he's living in:
-->'''Frasier:''' I don't think this building can be as exclusive as you said. Your doorman just waved me right through.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, he recognised you.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(preening)'' Oh! A fan of my show?\\
'''Niles:''' No. He lives in ''your'' building.

[[AC:417: Roz's Turn]]
* Frasier's pirate accent.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(salty pirate voice)'' When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is... \\
'''Niles:''' ''(into mic, imitating Frasier's accent)'' ...head for the antique sale, arrr!
* As part of her demo tape, Roz asks Daphne to pretend to be married to Niles, and having difficult with their marriage. Daphne starts describing various saucy tricks she's tried to get her "husband" interested to no avail... while Niles is... [[DistractedByTheSexy elsewhere]].
* A classic zinger from Frasier as a nod to Bebe's SitcomArchNemesis role:
-->'''Roz''': It's not like she worships the devil!\\
'''Frasier''': Well, she doesn't have to; he worships HER!

[[AC:418: Ham Radio]]
* In the opening scene, Frasier meets Niles and Martin at Cafe Nervosa to reveal that he has been asked to re-create the first ever mystery drama aired by KACL, "Nightmare Inn", in honour of the station's 50th anniversary. Niles foreshadows the project's downfall by expressing scepticism over the choice of director:
-->'''Martin:''' ''[taking the script from Frasier]'' Oh, don't tell me, I know! Bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.\\
'''Frasier:''' Exactly! And I'm going to direct!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh! So we can stop wondering. ''[sips his coffee as Frasier looks unamused]''\\
'''Martin:''' What, you don't think your brother knows how to direct?\\
'''Niles:''' No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to ''stop'' directing. During our prep school production of ''Theatre/RichardIII'' he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier round the dressing room, beating him with his hump.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles, it was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension! ''[the barista brings him his coffee to go]'' Oh, thank you.\\
'''Niles:''' Mmm. You have an Creator/OrsonWelles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead.\\
'''Frasier:''' I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re-writing I've done is simply cutting, to get it down to thirty minutes.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[reading the front page as Frasier takes the script back]'' "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn"??\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[awkwardly]'' It's just a working title!
* As Niles predicts, Frasier ends up casting himself as the lead (immediately before fellow KACL employee Ian - who looks and sounds exactly like a stereotypical Scotland Yard inspector - runs into Frasier outside his booth and asks if there's still time to read for the role; Frasier says the part has already been cast), with the cast rounded out by Roz, Gil, Bulldog, Bulldog's exotic dancer girlfriend Maxine (who cannot attend rehearsal due to contracting food poisoning; Bulldog suspects the Jell-O in which she was wrestling that day had gone bad), and professional actor Mel White.[[note]] Named in a ShoutOut to Creator/MelBlanc.[[/note]] During a rehearsal at Frasier's apartment with Daphne "providing" the sound effects, Bulldog insists they change the name of Mr. Wang to Mr. Wing because it gives him the giggles ("Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings", says Daphne). However, the script is from TheThirties, leading to his reading of Wing's lines:
-->'''Bulldog:''' ''[heavy YellowPeril accent]'' Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[aghast]'' Stop! Chinese embassy on line one!
* Frasier's overdirection (as foreseen by Niles) leads Mel, who is playing six roles with six different accents, to RageQuit. Cue a classic example of WhoWouldBeStupidEnough:
-->'''Bulldog:''' So whadda we do now, boss?\\
'''Frasier:''' Not to worry! I have a plan! ''[picks up the phone and dials]''\\
'''Roz:''' Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night! Where are you going to find an ''idiot'' willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[into phone]'' Niles!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[as she clears the dining table]'' [[ReadingTheStageDirectionsOutLoud Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.]]
* Not for nothing is the actual broadcast of "Nightmare Inn" one of the series' most fondly remembered scenes.
** At Frasier's apartment, Daphne is waiting to listen to the [[FairPlayWhodunnit Whodunnit]] with Martin.
--->'''Daphne:''' I already know the plot but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.\\
'''Martin:''' Great, as a cop I hated it when people did that.
** Roz's character is a woman with a sexy, exotic accent. However, she arrives from a two-hour emergency dentist appointment with a jaw still chock full of Novocaine, so numb she keeps biting the inside of her lip. Everything comes out in a very slurred, muddled, Elmer Fudd-like mess, and it only gets worse when she has to attempt the phrase, "Multiple murderer."
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[narrating]'' The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke. ''[cues Noel to close the sound effect door]'' Her face was unfamiliar, and when she opened her lips... I caught a hint of some exotic accent.\\
'''Roz:''' Inthpect- ow!... ''[winces and holds her jaw]'' Thah Goh you cuh.[[note]] Kelsey Grammer has to wait a while for the studio audience laughter to die down after this line.[[/note]]\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[as the inspector]'' This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.\\
'''Roz:''' I cah bewieve ehh o' my guehh cuh be a... ''[shoulders sagging in defeat]'' muhpehpuhl muhbuhber.\\
'''Frasier:''' That's easy for you to say!
** Frasier improvises around Roz' indisposition by claiming to know her guests by reputation instead of asking her to introduce them. But when he cues Bulldog to read his first line, he freezes with stage fright, so Frasier improvises that Mr. Wing is now a mute who wears a bell on his head to communicate.
** Niles, seeing the script for the first time as the broadcast begins, is not happy to discover that he is playing six characters with six different accents, including several female characters. When he is cued to speak Pépo the dwarf's line, he is mystified as to how to get into character, and tries crouching behind the microphone before acknowledging that this won't work on radio. Finally, Frasier hands him a helium balloon, which he inhales to deliver his line.
** Immediately after Frasier delivers a line about the phone lines being cut, the phone in the studio rings; Noel does not help by answering it with "Studio 5." Frasier shoots him a DeathGlare before pulling out the cord connecting the receiver to the base.
--->'''Martin:''' ''[muting the radio with a remote control]'' I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy!\\
'''Daphne:''' Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night...
** During the break between acts, the seeds of the play's final destruction are sown when Frasier tells Niles his performance as Hans the German butler could be a bit more gruff, and a seething Niles snaps, "'''Don't'''... direct me!" In the second act, Noel founders a bit with the music cues:
--->'''Frasier:''' Why, ''yes,'' Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be... ''[cues organ music, but a music box-like tune comes out instead]'' ...'''the ice cream truck!''' ''[Noel finally pulls out the offending tape]'' But never mind... that... ''[everybody starts dumping papers from the script]''
** Bulldog's girlfriend Maxine has one line to deliver. However, she has no acting experience, so her delivery is very awkward and wooden. More problematic, though, is her severe dyslexia...
--->'''Maxine:''' ''[unconvincing fake scream; overpronouncing each word]'' Look out! He's got a nug!
** Frasier cuts Nigel Fairservice's dying speech in the interest of time; unfortunately, Gil, who is playing Nigel, is so enamored of the line that he refuses to "die" without finishing the speech. When Frasier finally outdoes him in narrative (by claiming that the last bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders), he gives Frasier a smug look while knocking on and opening the prop door to complete it as Nigel's long lost brother Cedric (Frasier pops another balloon and claims that this extinguishes the Fairservice family entirely), and then the ice cream man from earlier (Frasier pops yet another balloon).
--->'''Daphne:''' This is turning into a '''bloodbath'''!\\
'''Martin:''' See, that's why I prefer TV, you wanna be able to ''see'' that stuff!
** Finally, Niles loses patience with Frasier's overdirection during his confession speech, and improvises [[RocksFallEveryoneDies a new ending]].
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[narrating]'' By this time... I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch! ''[as inspector]'' Hans! May I see your ''fingernails?''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[German accent]'' Vhy?\\
'''Frasier:''' They seem a bit ''ragged''... for a ''butler''.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[German accent]'' All right, all right! I'm ''not'' vhat I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler! I'm not even ''[moves to next page in script, furrows brow, and drops accent]'' German. ''[shrugs; dramatic organ sting]'' Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle... ''[gets distracted by Frasier pointing toward himself]'' to relate to you. When we've finished, you'll know the full... ''[Frasier brings his arms up in a "more" gesture]'' dark secret of Nightmare Inn.\\
'''Roz:''' Awe you thure we thould, Hanth?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[grimaces at the script]'' Be quiet, ''Mother. [Frasier points dramatically; organ sting plays]'' Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy, after the... ''[Frasier clenches his fist slowly and looks emotionally overwrought, indicating Niles should act likewise; Niles is too distracted by the gestures to process them]'' tragic death of my father. I kept the pain of that loss buried... ''[Frasier makes an anguished face and pounds his chest with his fist]'' deep within me, like a serpent... ''[getting more and more confused and angry at Frasier's gestures]'' coiled within a damp... cave- okay, that's it. ''[throws the script to the floor and grabs the balloons from the sound effect table]'' Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table. ''[pops a balloon]'' Sorry about that O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. ''[pops two more balloons]'' Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! ''[mentally counts the remaining balloons as Frasier starts discarding pages of his script]'' Will the [=McAllister=] sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets. ''[pops another balloon]'' Thank ''you! [to Roz]'' What was your name again, dear?\\
'''Roz:''' Mith Thowndyke.\\
'''Niles:''' Thank ''you! [pops another balloon as Frasier drops more and more pages of his script]'' Ah, and also Mr. Wing. ''[pops another balloon; Noel rings the bell, then silences it as Niles points to him in gratitude; Frasier is now giving him a DeathGlare, which he returns over his final line]'' And of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me! ''[pops the last balloon]'' HA! ''[defiantly hurls the popped balloons aside and joins Roz and Gil at the refreshment table]''

[[AC:419 / 420: Three Dates and a Break-Up]]
* Daphne's attempted American accent returns. She's progressed from being able to say "sure", but only in a very throaty voice that makes her sound like a chain smoker. And, of course, Niles's reaction to it.
* Frasier, having heard from Daphne about the elevator's security camera catching everything, tries to adjust his pants one-handed. Emphasis "tries".
* Roz, having previously embarrassed herself in front of an old acquaintance from home, shows up at Café Nervosa all dolled up, which Niles can't resist commenting on.
-->'''Niles:''' Hello, you look like an almost presentable version of someone my brother works with.\\
'''Roz:''' Bite me, Niles!
* Niles, not wanting to get involved in Sherry and Martin's break-up, compares it to a nature documentary.
-->'''Niles:''' You don't ask ''why'' the photographer just films the lion eating the antelope, you just accept it.\\
'''Frasier:''' In most cases, the photographer is not related to the antelope.

[[AC:421: Daphne Hates Sherry]]
* Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio until Frasier stops them.
-->'''Frasier''': Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
* Daphne ranting about Sherry to Niles:
-->'''Daphne:''' [Sherry] says I'm too rigid.\\
'''Niles:''' Nonsense!\\
'''Daphne:''' And I'm too picky!\\
'''Niles:''' Poppycock!\\
'''Daphne:''' And she says I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone!\\
''(Niles slowly sits down next to her)''\\
'''Niles:''' ... just to play Devil's Advocate here...
* The entire second act, with Daphne staying over at Niles's flat during a heatwave, not so much brimming with sexual tension as overflowing.
* At the end of everything, Daphne returns to Frasier's apartment to get her pills, patching things up with Sherry, with some very reluctant assistance from a bath-ridden Frasier... and then Frasier points out to a massively sexually frustrated Niles one little thing:
-->'''Frasier:''' You're a doctor, couldn't you have just written her a prescription?\\
''(ThousandYardStare from Niles)''\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, my god!\\
'''Frasier:''' And isn't there an all-night pharmacy just across from the Montana?\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, my ''god!''

[[AC:422: Are You Being Served?]]
* Five words: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3zWP3Mrbqs the "hot and foamy" scene]].
** The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal when she described Niles as passive, submissive, and easily cowed by females (thus prompting him to sign the divorce papers Maris has sent him): not her sons Frasier and Niles, but her ''lab rats'' Frasier and Niles.
--->'''Niles:''' ''[reading the journal]'' Do you know what this means?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[disgusted]'' Our mother named us after rodents.\\
'''Niles:''' No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless ''rat!'' Oh my God...\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[overlapping]'' Niles... Niles...\\
'''Niles:''' ''[starting to panic]'' Oh my God, Maris has seen the papers, it's too late to take it back!\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles, your reasoning was still sound!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[panicking more and more]'' My '''reasoning!?''' ''My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH '''VERMIN!''' [hurls down the journal]''
** Niles' panic attack attracts the attention of first Martin, then Daphne, as Frasier ushers his brother into the powder room to splash some cold water on his face; as he tries to offer words of encouragement through the door, we hear [[DrivenToSuicide what sounds like a gunshot]], horrifying Frasier, Martin, and Daphne... until the door opens to reveal the payoff of Martin stopping Daphne from throwing out his old gadgets, including a Hot 'N Foamy shaving foam machine which he plugged into the outlet in the powder room moments earlier:
--->'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane, are you all right?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[covered in foam]'' I'm fine. ''[{{beat}}]'' I'm just a little hot. And foamy.\\
'''Martin:''' You know what must've happened? [[CaptainObvious My Hot 'N Foamy must have exploded!]]\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[looks at Martin in utter disbelief, then back at Niles]'' [[SarcasmMode He was a detective, you know.]]\\
'''Martin:''' ''[[[SarcasmBlind nods]]]''
** And finally, Niles gets a call from Maris, who was just bluffing with the divorce papers; she is so shocked by his decision to sign them that she agrees to withdraw them and go into couples therapy with him. And so the episode's main plot ends by colliding with a subplot about Frasier's aversion to hugging other men as Niles throws his arms around Frasier... while still covered in shaving foam. Frasier's revolted look is priceless.

[[AC:423: Ask Me No Questions]]
* Near the beginning of the episode, Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment, unconcerned with Frasier's anger at his lateness for their squash game, as he is too busy having an affectionate phone conversation with Maris. Sickened by the display, Frasier dials Niles' mobile phone from his own landline...
-->'''Niles:''' Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch, but you know what Dr. Deutsch said, no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris... oh, wait, hold on a second, it's my other line. ''[presses button]'' Hello?\\
'''Frasier:''' GET THE HELL OFF THE PHONE!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[glares at Frasier... and proceeds to speak to him through the phone]'' How ''rude!''\\
'''Frasier:''' Please! Don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!?\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, ''you'' are telling me about being late for an appointment!?...\\
''[the Crane brothers begin talking over each other, steadily getting faster and louder, until finally an irate Frasier slams his phone down]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[whirls round to face Frasier in outrage]'' How DARE you hang up on me!
* The scene ends as it began when Niles gets another call from Maris:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[answering his phone]'' Hello?... What is it, pumpkin?... Oh, now- now- dear, calm down. I- I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes. If one of the servants had actually been walled in during the re-modelling he'd have died weeks ago! ''[Frasier picks up his phone and dials]'' If it- if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take roll call? Oh, hold on a second. ''[presses button]'' Hello?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[through the phone]'' Get out.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 5]]
[[AC:501: Frasier's Imaginary Friend]]
* Frasier's climactic rant of "I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!" And when said supermodel-zoologist storms away in disgust at his efforts to prove such...Frasier takes the "glass half-full" view, as he swaggers past the gang, turns to them, and smirks, "''Well''...! Whadaya think o' me ''now''...?"

[[AC:502: The Gift Horse]]
* The episode opens at Cafe Nervosa as Roz gives both Crane brothers a BigDamnKiss, for different reasons:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[standing at the counter as Roz enters behind him]'' Oh, good morning, Roz!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[amorously]'' Good morning... ''[stuns Frasier by passionately kissing him on the lips; it is a few seconds before he has the presence of mind to push her off]''\\
'''Frasier:''' What the hell was that!?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[looks toward the door]'' Oh, ''shoot'', he's not even here!\\
'''Frasier:''' Who?!\\
'''Roz:''' D'you remember that guy who dumped me last month? ''[Frasier rubs his lips as though pushing them back into place after the kiss]'' I thought he was right behind me! [[OperationJealousy I just wanted him to see me with another guy]] so he'd know how ''completely'' over him I am.\\
'''Frasier:''' Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we just get married and have some children, that'd really fix his wagon! ''[picks up his cup of coffee]''\\
'''Roz:''' You probably remember him - Stan?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[slowly gets a look of disgust]'' Stan, the... the smug stockbroker who kept calling me [[AccidentalMisnaming "Fraser"]]?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[laughs]'' Oh, yeah. That's him. ''[Frasier groans; Roz looks to the door again and sighs in disappointment]'' One minute we're hot and heavy, and then he just stops calling - it's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[proving Roz' point]'' Well, how can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Fraser"!?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[drily]'' Yeah. That's what bugged me the most, too. ''[rolls her eyes and goes up to the counter to order]''\\
''[...]''\\
'''Roz:''' ''[sees Stan, a tall man in a suit with blond hair and glasses, enter the cafe]'' Oh my God, here he is. Please?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[resigned]'' Oh, all right.\\
''[Roz pulls Frasier into some heavy liplock; Stan gets an embarrassed look, turns, and exits... just in time for someone else to enter and take in the sight. Frasier disengages from Roz and turns to see...]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[utterly deadpan]'' Hello.\\
'''Frasier:''' Hello Niles. Uh... you know, this [[NotWhatItLooksLike isn't what it looks like,]] ''[Roz continues to nuzzle and kiss Frasier]'' you see, her ex-boyfriend- oh, just stop that! ''[pushes Roz away]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[holds up his hand]'' Please, please, no explanation necessary. I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz" club, it will just be me and the archbishop! ''[chuckles]''\\
'''Roz:''' ''[picking up her coffee and marching toward Niles]'' I'll save you the club dues.\\
'''Niles:''' What-?\\
''[Roz [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKB_El6iTco gives Niles]] a BigDamnKiss, then leaves]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[shocked yet observant]'' '''''Everyone''''' kisses better than Maris!
* Later that day, Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading the newspaper, and Eddie is staring at him through the glass top. Frasier sneers that Eddie isn't going to distract him this time, and opens the paper so as to completely obscure Eddie from view. Eddie responds by trotting out from under the table and ''jumping several feet into the air.'' '''Repeatedly.'''
* Martin turns 65 in this episode, and Sherry plans his party (while asking Daphne to do most of the actual legwork) with, among other things, pictures of Martin's days with the Seattle PD. Cue IWasQuiteAFashionVictim:
-->'''Martin:''' ''[looking at photo]'' Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue, it's too disturbing!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[taking photo and looking at it with Frasier]'' You're right, I totally forgot you even ''had'' a perm.\\
'''Frasier:''' Dear lord! ''[he and Niles exchange grimaces]''
* The A plot of the episode sees Frasier and Niles trying to one-up each other with birthday presents for Martin. Frasier initially buys him a calfskin wallet and matching key case, while Niles buys him an expensive "beer of the month club" membership from a consortium of local microbreweries. Frasier exchanges the gift for a pair of binoculars without telling Niles, while Niles exchanges his gift for season tickets to the [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Seattle Seahawks]] without telling Frasier; in a confrontation at Frasier's apartment, Daphne unwittingly unmasks both brothers' secrets. The scene culminates in a hilarious nod to the brothers' ignorance of all things sport-related:
-->'''Frasier:''' All right, enough is enough. ''[takes his wallet out of his pocket, removes a piece of paper from it, then throws his wallet on the table]'' I quit. I'm throwing in the towel.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, and why should I believe you?!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[shows Niles the paper]'' Because ''this'' is a receipt for the binoculars. ''[begins tearing it to shreds]'' This should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. ''[hurls the pieces onto the table]'' There.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, that's very big of you. ''[Frasier shrugs; Niles looks at his watch and turns to leave]'' I'm late for my session. If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth.[[note]] In other words, dead centre on the field, perfectly positioned to see all the action.[[/note]] ''[he shrugs and exits the apartment; Frasier gives a shrug of dawning despair, then {{Facepalm}}s]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane, I-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[frantically sorting through the shreds of paper]'' Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape!
* The gift war escalates, and just when Frasier thinks Martin might offer him an escape route by saying he doesn't want big, expensive presents this year, he says "Go crazy - you only turn 65 once!" Daphne tells him there's only one solution left...
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[as a despondent Frasier sinks into Martin's chair]'' You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. ''[gets up and crosses over to him]'' But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[makes warding gestures]'' Oh, don't even say it!\\
'''Daphne:''' But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[on the brink of tears]'' No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't! I won't! I mustn't!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[sits on the arm of the chair and puts her arm around Frasier]'' It's over, Dr. Crane. ''[Frasier turns toward her and sobs]''\\
''[cut to a few days later as the camera pans very slowly up a monolithic object in the middle of the living room floor, finally revealing a thoroughly stunned Frasier and Daphne in the same positions as before]''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''That'' is one big screen TV. He's going to love it.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[in utter despair]'' I know! ''[he turns toward her and sobs again; she gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]''
* Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after arriving home after the birthday party to see the big-screen TV and accompanying sound system with gigantic speakers fully set up for the first time.
-->'''Frasier''': Oh, dear God ... it's '''''Stonehenge'''''.

[[AC:503: Halloween]]
* Frasier and Daphne are looking at photos of a trip they went on to a microbrewery alone, which stirs Niles up quite a bit.:
-->'''Daphne''': Yes. ''(chuckles)'' Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer.\\
'''Frasier''': Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.\\
'''Daphne''': Yes, we got a bit naughty!\\
'''Niles''': Well, not too naughty, I hope.\\
'''Daphne''': Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking. But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home. We spent the night in a motel.\\
'''Niles''': Well, that takes a load off my mind.
* Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be [[YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe Merry Olde English lovers]] (since they are attending Niles' party as [[Literature/TheCanterburyTales Geoffrey Chaucer and the Wife of Bath]]), to Niles' consternation.
-->'''Daphne:''' Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?\\
'''Frasier:''' After you, my juicy wench!\\
'''Niles:''' "''My juicy wench''"?! ''(into phone)'' No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! ''(to Frasier)'' I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!
* At Niles' Halloween party, which is literature-themed, Roz shows up wearing a tight S&M outfit:
-->'''Guest dressed as [[Literature/TheBible Eve:]]''' What an interesting costume! Who are you?\\
'''Roz:''' I'm 'O'. From ''Literature/TheStoryOfO''.\\
'''Guests:''' Ohhh.\\
'''Roz:''' [[LamePunReaction It's gonna be a long night...]]
* Later, Roz, who is having a pregnancy scare and doesn't want anyone to know yet, pulls Daphne aside and tells her that she has to keep checking her machine since she had an "accident" and has to find out about the damage. Daphne assumes the "accident" is a car crash, and she and Frasier (who is the only person who knows the truth) have an interesting conversation about it:
-->'''Daphne''': Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.\\
'''Frasier''': Oh, Daphne, really?\\
'''Daphne''': Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...\\
'''Frasier''': Oh...\\
'''Daphne''': I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.\\
'''Frasier''': I had no idea.\\
'''Daphne''': Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
* Then when Frasier accidentally blurts out the truth, he takes Daphne into the kitchen, where they are overheard by a drunken Niles, who thinks Daphne is pregnant with Frasier's child. Doesn't help that Daphne's eyes are watering because she's allergic to the adhesive on her fake eyelashes and that she earlier stated that she must have put on a pound or two because her dress feels tight:
-->'''Frasier''': Just promise me you won't tell a soul. We've got to keep this secret.\\
'''Daphne''': Oh, right! But we can't keep it a secret forever. My God, we are talking about a baby.\\
''[Niles's eyes bug out.]''\\
'''Frasier''': Oh, how could I have been so careless?\\
'''Daphne''': These things happen, it's not your fault.\\
'''Frasier''': Yes, well, you know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out!\\
'''Daphne''': Don't worry, I'll protect your reputation. I'll tell everyone I forced you to it.\\
'''Frasier''': All right. We'd better get back to the party before people start wondering about us.\\
''[Then as Frasier exits the room, he hits Niles' prosthetic nose[[note]]he's dressed as Theatre/CyranoDeBergerac[[/note]], leaving it sticking up at a crazy angle.]''\\
'''Frasier''': Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?
* Niles runs into Frasier while the latter is flirting with a cute blond dressed as [[Literature/TheBible Eve]][[note]]played by Kelsey Grammer's then wife Camille Donatacci[[/note]]:
-->'''Niles''': What are you doing? Are you just going to abandon Daphne?\\
'''Frasier''': Niles, just because I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her!
* Finally, after Frasier has been interrupted one time too many:
-->'''Frasier''': Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it!\\
'''Daphne''': I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me! I just know I need a lift home right now!\\
'''Frasier''': Oh, all right! But I am not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number. So you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like! I'm sorry, I am very attracted to this young woman, and I am not going to let you and your little problem stand in my way!\\
'''Niles''': THAT'S ENOUGH!\\
''[Everyone in the room falls silent and looks at Niles.]''\\
'''Frasier''': Niles, get your big nose out of this! And lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself!\\
'''Niles''': The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother! You cad, you bounder, you [[TrrrillingRrrs rrrrrrroué!]]\\
'''Frasier''': What is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?\\
'''Niles''': We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one! And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof!\\
'''Frasier''': From here, it smells like eighty proof!\\
'''Niles''': A woman stands here before you in dire need...\\
'''Daphne''': It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.\\
'''Niles''': Indeed you can.\\
'''Martin''': ''[realizing what he thinks]'' Niles—\\
'''Niles''': I told you, don't try to stop me! ''[to Frasier]'' You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?!\\
'''Frasier''': Niles, before you make a complete ass of yourself--\\
'''Niles''': Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!\\
''[He draws his sword. Unfortunately, the blade breaks off and he is left with just an empty handle.]''\\
'''Daphne''': But, Dr. Crane--\\
'''Niles''': No, no! No, don't defend him! There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another. ''[takes off his hat and kneels in front of Daphne, taking her hand]'' Daphne, will you marry me?\\
'''Frasier''': Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one that's pregnant, Roz is!\\
''[The guests react.]''\\
'''Niles''': ''[slurring]'' Roz is?

[[AC:505: Beware of Greeks]]
* Frasier arrives at Zora's kitchen to talk to her, but she is still carrying a grudge for his meddling in her son's life. She angrily stomps around the kitchen while Frasier pleads with her, and when they're done Frasier jokes "I've always wanted to take a tour of the Greek Islands." [[ActuallyPrettyFunny A chef chuckles]] at this, only for Zora to ''immediately smack him round the face.'' Frasier also appeals to Zora's compassion only for her to declare that she'll ram a skewer into someone's eye when she finds out who slightly bent it. Beware of Greeks indeed.
* After mending a family rift and being able to talk to his brother for the first time in five years (something he's talked about looking forward to), Martin and Walt are barely even able to make small talk.
* Later on, Martin gets filmed insulting Zora and Walt (saying the former was "easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich" before marrying Walt, whom he describes as "not the brightest bulb in the box"), and so arranges to take the tape containing the offending recording. He hears how footage has been taken from all over his in-law's side of the family, rare and irreplaceable testimony. He hesitates.
-->'''Martin:''' ... I can't do this.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''(leans over)'' Press that one.\\
'''Martin:''' Oh. ''(cheerfully ejects the tape and promptly throws it away)''
* After Frasier mends the relationship between Nikos and his ex Crystal, she shows up to the rehearsal dinner and the two lovingly... juggle breadsticks. Then Zora comes after Frasier with a broken wine bottle.
* Niles being chased all night by his amorous cousin, Yvonne, whose bosom is [[OfCorsetsSexy pushed up]] and [[AbsoluteCleavage exposed]] in her dress.
-->'''Yvonne:''' I haven't seen you two in a long time!\\
'''Niles:''' ''(staring at her chest)'' Oh well, I haven't seen [[FreudianSlip your two]] in a long time -- "you, too," "you, too!" [[invoked]]

[[AC:506: Voyage of the Damned]]
* Frasier discovers that the prestigious "celebrity cruise" Roz convinced him to participate in is actually full of hilariously lame D-listers.
-->'''Frasier:''' You've booked me on a floating [[Series/TheGongShow Gong Show!]]
* And after Roz and Frasier meet [[LoungeLizard the Barracuda]]:
-->'''Barracuda:''' [[LatinLover I see you are versed in the international language of love.]]\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh yes Roz, say something amusing in ''Esperanto!''
* As he is preparing for his speech, Frasier admits that one of the guests, comedian Giggles O'Shea, is ActuallyPrettyFunny and incorporates some funny lines Giggles gave him to put into his speech. He's then horrified to learn he's only attracted a few people.
-->'''Frasier:''' Giggles had to ''add'' a show!
* Frasier, Roz and Martin are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:
-->'''Roz:''' It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.\\
'''Frasier:''' Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?\\
'''Roz:''' Oh my ''GOD!!''
* Frasier and Roz are convinced that the Barracuda will be stopping by Maris' suite for an evening of passion; however, Martin is not up to speed on the latest turn of events:
-->''[Frasier, Roz, and Martin hear the doorbell buzz]''\\
'''Roz:''' It's the Barracuda!\\
'''Martin:''' Who's the Barracuda?\\
'''Roz:''' He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!\\
'''Martin:''' Who's Mimi?\\
'''Frasier:''' A horny society boozer and the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catherine_O%27Leary Mrs. O'Leary's cow]] of our current predicament!\\
'''Martin:''' [[DerailedForDetails Who's Mrs. O'Leary?]]\\
'''Frasier:''' A woman in Chicago who- oh, I don't have the time!
* Against all odds, Niles has smoothed things over with Maris, and she has invited him back to her suite for champagne. When Frasier, Roz, and Martin tell him she gargled with mouthwash while they were hiding in her bathroom, he implies that an evening of lovemaking is on the agenda as well. He opens the door to join her, and we get this gem:
-->'''Niles:''' Oh, damn. [[DoubleEntendre She started without me.]]\\
'''Frasier, Roz, Martin:''' ''[grimacing]'' Ewww...\\
'''Niles:''' ''[glares at them]'' Drinking the champagne.\\
'''Frasier, Roz, Martin:''' ''[relieved]'' Ohh.

[[AC:509: Perspectives on Christmas]]
* Due to a misunderstanding, Daphne becomes convinced Martin is dying. He's not, he's just doing a Christmas performance for a local church and doesn't want her to know. The resulting TwoPersonsOneConversation doesn't so much Cross the Line as jig back and forth over it.
* The caper to Daphne's story comes when, having realized what's going on, Daphne gets angry at Martin, and he gets angry back. As the two are arguing, a battered Niles staggers in zombie-style, walks past them and collapses.
-->''[as a bedraggled Niles stumbles out of the elevator in front of Frasier's apartment in front of a couple of Elliott Bay residents]''\\
'''Woman:''' [[NoSympathy Why is that man crawling on the floor?]]\\
'''Man:''' [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight He's Dr. Crane's brother.]]\\
'''Woman:''' Ah.
* Frasier accidentally lets Roz's mother know Roz is pregnant. That afternoon they have to pretend to be Santa and Mrs. Claus for a grotto... but Roz is ''pissed'' at Frasier, and would rather yell at him, leaving Frasier facing a whole crowd of parents and kids who've just seen Mrs. Santa [[ThatCameOutWrong yelling about being pregnant]]...

[[AC:510: Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name]]
* Roz joins in Martin's poker night. While Martin heads off to the fridge to get beer, his buddies learn Roz is pregnant (because Martin [[OneDrinkWillKillTheBaby asks her if she wants a beer]]), and start talking about the joys of children... and the melancholy as they grow up. Martin, who thought they were hearing a story involving a stripper, returns to an entire table of glum retirees.
-->'''Martin:''' Jeez, I don't think you're telling the story right.
* At the beginning of the episode, Niles mentions he's bought an expensive saddle for Maris as a reconciliation. Halfway through the episode, he mentions that thanks to an unforeseen reaction with the oils of the saddle and Maris's beauty treatments, she had a severe epoxy, and the day after has to use a frozen turkey to cool down. Later on, as Martin is preparing for Sherry to come over, he hears the phone ringing.
-->'''Martin:''' Maris, is that you? ... why are your teeth chattering? ''(he hears Maris explaining what's happened, but not knowing the context...)'' Well, why don't you just use a defroster?

[[AC:511: Ain't Nobody's Business if 'I Do']]
* Roz uses her pregnancy to try to get out of having a parking ticket. She screws it up hilariously.
-->'''Policewoman:''' You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.\\
'''Roz:''' Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? ''(pats officer's very large belly)'' So, when are you due?\\
'''Policewoman:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis I'm. Not. Pregnant.]]\\
'''Roz:''' ''(sighing)'' That's Roz Doyle. R-O-Z...
* Daphne is worried about the future of her job if Martin marries Sherry, to which Niles tries to console her:
-->'''Niles:''' [[FreudianSlipperySlope I could certainly use you... I would know of a position you could... Services you could... A hole that needs...]]\\
''(Niles grabs the cheque)''\\
'''Niles:''' This is on me.
* Hearing about a strange man asking questions about Sherry, Martin immediately turns on Frasier and Niles, who swear (unconvincingly in Niles' case) that they're innocent. The minute he's satisfied and leaves, Frasier then turns on Niles.
* Frasier and Niles' [[BadBadActing unconvincing]] attempts to drop the subject of Sherry's multiple marriages.
* Daphne selling out the brothers to Martin, and then Frasier selling out Daphne, like kids telling on their siblings.

[[AC:512: The Zoo Story]]
* Poor Niles, having been denied sex by Maris, starts to get a little peculiar over the course of the episode.
* Niles describes Maris' own lack of sexual drives as making her a "sexual camel".
* Bebe quite possibly having [[ItMakesSenseInContext murdered a crane with a jawbreaker]] to get Frasier back on her side.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(just about to resign with Bebe)'' You didn't... murder that bird, by any chance?\\
'''Bebe:''' ... darling, there's ''always'' a chance.\\
'''Frasier:''' Good enough for me.
* The stinger: Daphne talking to Eddie, who's sitting on a tiny psychiatrist's couch, pretending to be his shrink.

[[AC:513: The Maris Counselor]]
* Niles, planning to surprise Maris after her six-hour meditation (which, according to Niles, inevitably leaves her "as horny as a stoat"), sneaks into her bedroom, where someone is having a shower. It's actually their marriage counselor, Dr. Schenkman. What follows is an OverlyLongGag as both men go back and forth upping the romantic ambiance, assuming the other is Maris... right up until, with the lights off, they hop into bed.
* Later that day, a now understandably devastated Niles goes to work with his couples' therapy, with Frasier helping, until Niles's own anger at Maris makes things difficult. Frasier tries giving Niles advice, but it ends with Niles storming off, determined to try and win Maris back yet again, with Frasier yelling the worst possible thing to say near couples in therapy.
-->'''Frasier:''' Sometimes you just have to accept that a relationship is ''doomed!''
* Frasier shooing out Niles' patients after noticing his brother's behaviour:
-->'''Frasier:''' No-one is here to judge anybody. ''(the second the door closes, to Niles)'' What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
* Later on, Niles commenting on his awful luck:
-->'''Niles:''' Fifteen years of marriage with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.\\
'''Martin:''' Aw, jeez, I didn't need to hear that!\\
'''Niles:''' No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.\\
'''Frasier:''' It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?\\
'''Niles:''' The heat from her side of the bed!

[[AC:514: The Ski Lodge]]
* This episode marks the series' most explicit homage to the farces of writers like Georges Feydeau, and the entire second half is an utter triumph for the writers. Frasier persuades Roz to give him the ski lodge weekend she has won in a church raffle (partly by pointing out that her pregnancy would limit her options for physical activity and partly by bribing her with a big screen TV), and takes along Niles, Martin, Daphne, and Daphne's DumbBlonde friend Annie; the weekend includes ski lessons from French former Olympian Guy. Niles (who has just filed for divorce from Maris) is more determined than ever to pursue Daphne, who is more interested in Guy; meanwhile, Annie has her eye on Niles, while Frasier is hoping to seduce Annie. And as for Guy... he's especially interested in Niles. All it takes is Martin's cold-induced hearing impairment leading to a few miscommunications and Daphne and Annie accidentally going into each other's bedrooms in front of Frasier and Niles, then swapping back after the brothers have gone into their own rooms, and the stage is set for a series of doors opening and closing and shock discoveries of the wrong people in the wrong beds in varying states of undress. As if that weren't enough, Guy interprets Daphne's attempts to keep Annie away from Niles (due to her history as a maneater) as a sign that they're in a lesbian relationship. ("Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians!") Everything gets topped off by Frasier's perfect summation:
-->'''Frasier:''' Let me see if I can get this straight. All the '''''lust''''' coursing through this lodge tonight... all the hormones virtually '''''ricocheting''''' off the walls, and ''no one''... was chasing '''''me'''''?\\
''(everyone else absorbs this.)''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(shoulders slumping, resigned)'' See you at breakfast.
* Martin's contribution to the big argument? Wander in to complain about everyone else yelling, and how it's stopping him getting any sleep, before noticing his hearing's finally gotten better, and cheerfully bidding everyone good night.
* In TheTag, Annie changes her mind about Frasier and knocks on his door with a bottle of spirits, hoping to get with him after all. When he doesn't answer the door she assumes he's mad at her and goes back to her room, dejected. [[MissedHimByThatMuch Frasier then walks out of the kitchen and goes back into his room, never knowing she was there]].

[[AC:515: Room Service]]
* Frasier's reaction to seeing Lilith again, just as he's signing off his show:
-->'''Frasier:''' This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental ''(sees Lilith)'' AAAAAAGH!
* Lilith announces her next husband left her... for a man.
-->'''Lilith:''' Brian said he wanted someone more feminine... and he found him.
* Later, Frasier meets Niles for coffee...
-->'''Frasier:''' Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.\\
'''Frasier:''' Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man!\\
'''Niles:''' Damn! [[SideBet I owe Dad $5!]]
* A RunningGag throughout the episode is Niles suffering through a bout of narcolepsy in which he falls asleep when stressed out. One instance has him falling asleep face-first in the freezer. When Frasier wakes Niles up and informs him of what happened:
-->'''Niles''': Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
* On hearing Lilith is stopping by the apartment, Daphne and Martin angrily demand to know why Frasier didn't warn them. When she's at the door, they run for their bedrooms. Martin in particular is so terrified he ''leaves his cane behind''.
-->'''Martin:''' ''[the doorbell rings; he answers the door to reveal Niles]'' Oh, hey Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' Evening, Dad. ''[nods to Daphne on the sofa]'' Daphne.\\
'''Frasier:''' Hello, Niles. ''[holds up the sherry decanter]'' Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives. ''[removes the stopper and pours a glass]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[horrified]'' What!? You never said she was coming up here!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[likewise]'' You just said you were going to dinner!\\
'''Martin:''' You never said she was coming up here!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[replacing the stopper in the decanter]'' It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes!\\
'''Martin:''' But you never told me! I- you've been home an hour and you never told me, not a word, ''[to Daphne]'' did he say anything to you??\\
'''Daphne:''' No, nothing, ''[to Frasier]'' you could have told us, you know, we could have made plans to be elsewhere!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[to Daphne]'' Well, how come you didn't know about it!? You usually know these things, you used to get a headache...\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[overlapping with Martin]'' Oh, now ''I'm'' to blame, am I!? It's not ''my'' fault, you know...\\
''[they continue arguing for a few seconds]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ALL RIGHT! ''[Martin and Daphne stop arguing]'' She's coming! Both of you, suck it up! ''[gravely]'' Lilith has had a devastating week! Her husband has left her! ''[Martin and Daphne look ashamed]'' The least you can do is show a little compassion, unless, of course, you'd like to go ''hide'' in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!\\
''[the doorbell rings]''\\
'''Martin:''' OUTTA MY WAY! ''[runs for it]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Me too! ''[runs after Martin; he drops his cane as he runs up the steps, and Daphne reaches for it]''\\
'''Martin:''' LEAVE IT! ''[she does, and they both flee to their bedrooms]''
* Frasier worries that with Lilith vulnerable after her husband has left her, they will end up in bed together against their better judgement. His resistance crumbles as soon as she arrives, and Niles has to intervene:
-->'''Niles:''' Remember, Frasier, I'm here for you if you feel yourself starting to weaken.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[downs his sherry and sets down his glass]'' I'm fine. ''[heads to the door]'' Believe me, I am in ''complete'' control. ''[opens the door to reveal Lilith, wearing her hair down and sporting a dress that only goes a few inches down her thighs]'' Oh, baby!...\\
'''Lilith:''' ''[deadpan]'' Thank you Frasier, I needed that. ''[entering the apartment]'' I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently. It's... pretty transparent, huh?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[still transfixed by the dress]'' No, but if you stand in the light maybe-\\
'''Niles:''' ''Frasier!''\\
[...]\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[takes Lilith's wrap, revealing that the back of the dress is cut down to the base of her spine]'' Yowza!... Oh, Lilith, that... that dress is ''stunning!''\\
'''Niles:''' Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[quickly]'' No!\\
'''Lilith:''' It's from a new couture line called "Encore!"\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, well, ''bravo!'' I can almost ''feel'' the curtain rising!\\
'''Niles:''' FRASIER! ''[runs over, grabs Frasier, and shoves him toward the kitchen]''
* Niles comes up with what seems like the perfect antidote to Frasier's lust for his now-single ex-wife:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[as Frasier downs a glass of water to steady his nerves]'' When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image ''so'' repellent, you'll be incapable of any sexual desire. Ehm... ''[thinks]'' Remember, the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm, we found that dead horse, lying in the hot sun, crawling with maggots?\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes, yes, of course. ''[pours himself another glass of water and starts drinking it]''\\
'''Niles:''' Hold onto that picture! You can ride that horse to safety.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[nods]'' Thank you, Niles. You know, that might just do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, [[{{Pun}} you can't beat a dead horse.]]
* At the episode's halfway point, Lilith wakes up in her hotel room bed, having slept with... '''Niles'''.
-->''[as Niles and Lilith drift back to consciousness, they dart to opposite edges of the bed; Niles gasps loudly in horror]''\\
'''Lilith:''' My GOD! What did we do, what did we do!?\\
'''Niles:''' [[LiteralMinded Well... first, you put your-]]\\
'''Lilith:''' ''I know what we did, what do we do now?!''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[as Lilith begins hyperventilating]'' Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. ''[{{Beat}}]'' Every day in '''Arkansas!'''[[note]] In the original script, the line was "They happen every day in France - and people die for it!"[[/note]] ''[groans]'' Frasier is going to '''kill''' us! Oh... why did you have to look so damn bewitching all evening?\\
'''Lilith:''' Why'd you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?\\
'''Niles:''' Oh... there's no point in pointing fingers. We both know why this happened. Last night was simply... two wounded people, overcome with loneliness, and confusion, and...\\
'''Lilith:''' Tequila shooters. ''[she and Niles both grimace and place a hand to their foreheads as HangoverSensitivity kicks in]''
* The significance of the episode's title comes into play when a room service waiter delivers their breakfast (Eggs Benedict for Niles, Eggs Florentine for Lilith). Lilith sends him away for ketchup.
-->'''Niles:''' ''Ketchup'' on Eggs Florentine!?\\
'''Waiter:''' ''[smirking]'' Oh, your first breakfast together?\\
'''Lilith:''' ''[acidly]'' Just get it.
* Within seconds of the waiter's departure, there's another knock at the door - this time, it's Frasier. Niles and Lilith panic, and Lilith suggests hiding in the bathroom. So Niles runs in - and Lilith runs in after him and shuts the door. The door immediately opens and Niles throws Lilith out again.
* Frasier is surrendering to his desire, unaware that Niles did exactly that the previous night... although the game is almost given away when Niles falls asleep and accidentally flushes the toilet. Lilith claims the toilet is defective and hurries into the bathroom, where she explains the situation to Niles.
-->'''Niles:''' ''[outraged]'' Does the man have no scruples!? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you, but the ''minute'' my back is turned, he sneaks back here ''[off Lilith's unamused look]'' and yes, I'm aware of the irony...
* Lilith exits the bathroom to see that Frasier has changed into a bathrobe:
-->'''Lilith:''' ''[exasperated]'' My god...\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[pure lust]'' My goddess!
* The waiter chooses this moment to return with the ketchup; Lilith tries to get rid of him, but since he needs to collect the bill, Frasier decides to let him in, and the waiter is understandably confused to see that Lilith is now with a different man.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[as Lilith retrieves the bill from the bathroom, in which she hid the cart with Niles]'' Well, this is a... little embarrassing. ''[chuckles and gestures toward the bathroom]'' That's my ex-wife, we're, uh... sort of re-connecting.\\
'''Waiter:''' Yes, sir, that's, uh... wonderful.\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, who knows, it may just work out this time!\\
'''Waiter:''' ''[adds this to the picture he already has of the situation]'' [[SureLetsGoWithThat Okay...]]
* Still unaware of Niles' presence, Frasier orders some Eggs Benedict for himself, saying "No reason why she should eat alone!" and prompting another "Okay..." from the increasingly bewildered waiter.
* Niles has another attack of narcolepsy and falls face first into his Eggs Benedict; the noise is too much for Lilith to explain away, and Frasier finally discovers Niles in the bathroom and storms out in a rage.
-->'''Niles:''' ''[beside himself with guilt and horror]'' This is my worst nightmare!\\
'''Lilith:''' You have egg on your face.\\
'''Niles:''' ''That'' is an understatement!\\
'''Lilith:''' No, ''actual'' egg! ''[Niles touches his fingers to his forehead; there is a furious knocking at the door, which Lilith goes to answer]'' It's in your hair, too. ''[Lilith opens the door to reveal Frasier]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[with immense relief]'' I knew you couldn't stay mad at us!\\
'''Frasier:''' I'M - IN - A - BATHROBE, YOU JACKASS! ''[storms across the room and grabs his trousers]''
* Lilith tries to explain to Frasier that she and Niles only slept together because the demises of their respective marriages left both of them emotionally fragile as they had never been before, and in desperate need of self-affirmation. Frasier turns things around and claims they were both jealous of ''him'', and slept together as an act of passive aggression against him.
-->'''Lilith:''' Allow me to rebut: '''[[SophisticatedAsHell what a crock!]]'''
* Niles interjects and describes the situation as two superegos simply trying to re-connect with their respective ids.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[sitting down heavily]'' Okay... the three of us have certainly analysed the '''[[SophisticatedAsHell crap]]''' out of this!
* The situation is finally resolved when Niles breaks through his narcolepsy after telling off Maris' lawyers over the phone and reaching a new level of self-confidence, Lilith gets over the idea that her husband left her because she is unattractive, and Frasier, though reluctantly, concedes that the thought of Niles and Lilith sleeping together has finally cooled his own desire for her. Lilith heads into the bathroom to eat her Eggs Florentine... and the waiter returns with Frasier's breakfast, now finding Frasier and ''Niles'' in the room.
-->'''Waiter:''' [[RunningGag Okay...]] ''[[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere leaves without handing over the bill, closing the door behind him]]]''

[[AC:517: The Perfect Guy]]
* On seeing the new guy at KACL, Dr. Clint Webber, whom all the ladies in the station swoon over, an annoyed Bulldog and Gil show up to complain, prompting a surprising reveal that Gil is married.
-->'''Frasier:''' You're married?\\
'''Bulldog:''' To a ''woman?''\\
'''Gil:''' I mention Deb all the time! "I must be getting home to Deb!"\\
'''Roz:''' ... we thought Deb was a cat.\\
'''Gil:''' ''She's a human being!'' She's a graduate of Sarah Lawrence who runs a highly successful auto-repair shop! Honestly, the assumptions people make just because a man dresses well and knows how to hold a pastry bag! ''(storms out)''\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, that's the first time I've seen a man ''in'' himself.
* While at Café Nervosa, Frasier is still grumbling about Dr. Webber, whose impressiveness only escalates the more he talks to him.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(after Dr. Webber steps outside for a moment)'' [[TemptingFate It's not as the man can stop traffic!]]\\
''(sound of tires screeching)''

[[AC:518: Bad Dog]]
* Frasier, obviously obsessing over Bulldog's reluctance to tell the truth about what he did, [[BlatantLies claims he'll go to bed]]. As everyone else is talking about how this shows growth, he wordlessly grabs his coat and leaves the apartment to go confront Bulldog again, to none of their surprise.
-->'''Daphne:''' Should've asked him to pick up some milk.
* After multiple attempts by Frasier to get Bulldog to confess, none of which work, Martin has his own solution: Yell "he's got a gun!", prompting Bulldog to use his ''own mother'' as a human shield, in front of everyone at the award ceremony... Roz, whom he'd previously used as a human shield included.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(as Roz and Bulldog's mom beat the crap out of Bulldog)'' Thanks, dad.\\
'''Martin:''' I'm no hero. I just wanted you to shut up.

[[AC:519: Frasier Gotta Have It]]
* Frasier's fling with Caitlin, an extreme GranolaGirl. He starts to get turned off when he finds out she installed meat hooks on her ceiling (her loft was originally a daycare centre), cuts her own hair and puts it in her pillows, uses dead mice for her artwork, and howls at the moon like a wolf. Frasier decides enough is enough, but Caitlin has an ironclad way to win him back:
-->'''Frasier:''' Listen, Caitlin, I, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea! ''[starts putting his trousers back on]''\\
'''Caitlin:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[struggling into his trousers]'' Well, you know, we're just... so... different, I'm basically your stuffy, button down sort of guy, and you're, well, you're a free-spirited, adventurous, mouse-paintin', moon-howlin' sort of a girl! ''[finishes fastening his trousers and grabs his shirt]'' Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?\\
'''Caitlin:''' Well, I think so... ''[faces Frasier, unfastens her robe, and lowers it to her waist]'' What do you think?\\
''[{{Beat}}; Frasier howls like a wolf, then we cut to a floor-level view as [[SexyDiscretionShot Caitlin's robe and Frasier's shirt and trousers drop to the floor]]]''

[[AC:521: Roz and the Schnoz]]
* This is one of the funniest episodes in the series, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child, Steve and Paula Garrett, have gigantic noses -- and they are completely oblivious to the fact, which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching. It gets especially funny when they keep dropping unintentional {{Pun}}s - for example:
-->'''Paula:''' Daphne mentioned you're going to a dog show?\\
'''Niles:''' Yes, the Seattle Kennel Club is having its annual event tonight.\\
'''Paula:''' You know, Steve and I went to that a few years ago, we just love dogs! We have two giant '''schnauzers'''.\\
''[Niles has the fixed grin of someone trying desperately not to laugh, while Daphne has to hide her face behind her hand as she starts giggling; the studio audience are laughing hardest of all]''
* At Frasier's invitation, Roz finally ushers Steve and Paula onto the balcony of his apartment ("I could use a breath of fresh air!" says Paula, setting off Niles and Daphne again). Then Martin returns early from a failed excursion to retrace his and Duke's 1952 shore leave weekend in San Francisco, as he tells Frasier:
-->'''Martin:''' ''[enters with a duffel bag and a sour expression]'' I'm home.\\
'''Frasier:''' Dad! What are you doing here?\\
'''Martin:''' Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse is a sushi bar! And then this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. ''[removes and hangs up his coat]'' So, we joined 'em. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, [[HoYay and all the men are kissing each other]], [[LesYay and all the women are kissing each other]], and I'm not sure but [[AccidentalMarriage I think Duke and I may be married]].
* Martin is just as gobsmacked as the other four by the sight of Steve and Paula's enormous noses -- and their apparent oblivion to said facial features. And when Paula offhandedly mentions that she is apprehensive about joining their son Rick (Roz's baby daddy) in Paris as she hears Parisians can be '''snooty''', Daphne, Niles, and Martin have to leave the room for the kitchen - at which point they double over (or in Niles' case, fall over) laughing.
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[whispering through laughter as she removes a quiche from the oven]'' We've got to stop, they'll hear us!\\
'''Steve:''' ''[from the living room]'' Mmm, what's that I smell?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[sotto voce]'' Probably Japan. ''[he, Niles, and Daphne double over laughing again]''
* Frasier reprimands his brother, father, and his father's live-in physical therapist for their insensitivity... and is then pushed to breaking point himself when he presents the quiche that has just come out of the oven. Fortunately, Steve inadvertently gives him a cover by reacting to his presentation of the Quiche Lorraine with "Quiche her? I hardly know her!":
-->''[Frasier is standing between Steve and Paula, his struggle to keep from laughing getting mightier by the second]''\\
'''Paula:''' Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?\\
'''Steve:''' Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little '''''nosey'''''.\\
'''Paula:''' Me '''''nosey'''''? You're the '''''nosey''''' one in the family.\\
'''Steve:''' Anyone who '''''knows''''' you '''''knows''''' you're '''''nosey'''''!\\
'''Paula:''' Anyone who '''''knows''''' you '''''knows''''' you're '''''nosier'''''!\\
''[and that's all Frasier can stand; he wordlessly hands the quiche to Niles and heads for the kitchen]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[smirking]'' Something wrong, Fras?\\
''[as Frasier enters the kitchen, he bursts into hysterical laughter, which sets off Martin, Niles, and Daphne as well; Frasier eventually appears in the doorway]''\\
'''Frasier:''' "Quiche her? I hardly know her!" ''[through more laughter]'' I... just... got that!
* Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:
-->'''Frasier:''' You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.\\
'''Roz:''' Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... '''[[{{Angrish}} a nose like an ANTEATER!]]'''!
* Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from ''before'' the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:
-->'''Roz:''' '''''Oh my GOD!'''''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!\\
'''Roz:''' No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!\\
'''Frasier:''' Please.\\
''(Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)''\\
'''Niles:''' ''(awed)'' Where '''''is''''' the end of it?
* After everything's been settled, Daphne still {{Troll}}s Roz:
-->'''Roz:''' Oh, I just felt a kick.\\
'''Daphne:''' You sure it wasn't a sneeze?\\
'''Roz:''' ''(amiably)'' Ha. ha.

[[AC:523: Party, Party]]
* The episode's A-Plot revolves around Frasier trying to get it on with a woman named Tricia, and circumstances keep getting in the way of that, such as Niles wanting to go to a Safari Club party downstairs, or Daphne and his dad trying to throw him a surprise birthday party. At the very end of the episode, it looks like Frasier has finally managed to earn another chance with Tricia, after setbacks and aggravation galore, by asking to drive her to Spokane. And because this is ''Frasier'' we're talking about, just as they're getting underway it turns out she likes country and western. Which Frasier seems willing to look past... then she also turns out to be a proselytizer for an evangelical group preaching "The Truth".
* The B-Plot has Niles having slept with Allison Landis, an Elliott Bay Towers resident and the wife of Karl, an influential member of the Safari Club, a man who is inattentive and ragingly jealous toward said wife.
** Niles only learns that Allison is married when Frasier accidentally bumps into Karl, who snaps, "If I wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it!" Another guest, Nigel, tells them not to mind "Rhino" - so nicknamed because of his beastly temper. Nigel reveals that Karl is a serial philanderer, and predicts that one day, Allison will return fire and "rub his bloodthirsty nose in it".
--->'''Niles:''' ''[to Frasier, with a fixed grin]'' Here's something interesting - I think I just swallowed my tongue! ''[begins hyperventilating]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles, Niles, just be calm, be calm, what's done is done, you didn't know, and now it's over. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should ever get back to Rhino.\\
'''Karl:''' ''[on the other side of the room, talking to Allison]'' I don't know what you're insinuating.\\
'''Allison:''' ''[scoffs]'' Don't lie! Everyone knows what goes on in that pup tent! ''[folds her arms defiantly]'' Well, I can play at that game too. In fact, I already have, and with somebody right here tonight! ''[Niles grimaces and places a hand on Frasier's chest to steady himself]'' How do you like that?\\
'''Niles:''' Frasier! I have to ask a small favour: I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.
** Partway through the party, Frasier sneaks out in another attempt to meet up with Tricia, and Niles tries to claim that the departing guest must have been Allison's lover. Karl believes differently, saying he can smell the man's fear, and he's still in the room. He demands the guilty party stand up so they can talk it out. Niles, clearly fearing the worst, prepares to stand up anyway... and then ''several other men'' stand up instead. Niles hurriedly sits back down.
--->'''Karl:''' That many, huh? ''[to Allison, who shrugs]'' My God, woman, you're as bad as I am. ''[to Allison's lovers]'' Come on, ya bastards, join me in a drink! ''[laughs and claps one of the men on the back as Niles sips his drink nervously]''

[[AC:524: Sweet Dreams]]
* With Frasier's car in the shop, Daphne is forced to chauffeur him around, and gets dragged to a protest against the demolition of a local bookstore by a strip mall developer. When the police start arresting the demonstrators, Frasier is off like a shot while Daphne ends up in jail. She is understandably angry at Frasier when Martin finally bails her out after six hours at the police station, and Niles tries to offer his support, only to tumble headlong into ThatCameOutWrong - and, somehow, straight back out again:
-->'''Frasier:''' Daphne... I am... so sorry, I feel just terrible.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[icily]'' As you should! You left me handcuffed and helpless!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[a little TOO quickly]'' If you ''ever'' find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me! ''[Daphne gives him a puzzled look, while Frasier opts for a contemptuous glare; Niles returns Frasier's glare]'' '''For help.'''\\
'''Daphne:''' Thank you, Dr. Crane! ''[to Frasier]'' Shame on you, Dr. Crane! Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?
* Frasier ends up declining Niles' invitation to a new fusion restaurant, but Martin, after six hours in the police station, says he is hungry enough for anything and leaves with Niles as the latter begins explaining the cuisine (which fuses Polynesian and Scandinavian; Frasier drily notes that perhaps God put those countries so far apart for a reason). Frasier picks up the phone and dials a pizza joint - and correctly anticipates what happens next:
-->'''Frasier:''' Hello. Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings? Huh. Uh... just a second... ''[Martin opens the front door]'' Dad, what do you want on your pizza?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[sickened]'' Pepperoni!
* This episode sees the introduction of new KACL station manager Kenny Daly, who wants Frasier to advertise Sweet Dreams tea on his show by claiming it gives people sweet dreams. As a psychiatrist, Frasier knows this is false and sees it as a betrayal of his principles to say it is true. So when his broadcast begins, he decides to protest against being forced to advertise something he doesn't believe in. Unfortunately, the station chooses a bad time to cut his broadcast and air a ''Best of Crane'' episode:
-->'''Frasier:''' Good afternoon, Seattle. The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am ''not'' a man... who betrays... his principles. ''[Roz looks at Kenny, who shakes his head sadly]'' I am not a man who misleads his listeners. I am not a man who will shrink from a fight! ''[looks at Kenny, who leaves Roz' booth; Roz removes her headphones and sighs]'' Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show, but rather than truckle to the forces of ''commercialism'', I've decided to take a stand on principle! Even if it means- ''[Roz enters from her booth, her coat over her arm; Frasier smiles thinly]'' I'm not on the air, am I.\\
'''Roz:''' No. They put on ''The Best of Crane''.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[removes his headphones]'' How much did I get out?\\
'''Roz:''' Well, let's see... ''[presses Play on the broadcast tape]''\\
'''Recording Frasier:''' The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am ''not'' a man.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[spends a few seconds absorbing this]'' Perfect.
* Frasier, trying to get Kenny's job back for him, goes straight to the head of KACL and tries to get him to change his mind on the corporate pandering that lead to the whole situation. And, as typical for Frasier, he succeeds in entirely the wrong way. He convinces the station owner to do what ''he'' wants... which is to turn KACL into an all-salsa radio, getting '''everyone''' fired.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 6]]
[[AC:601: Good Grief]]
* Frasier working through the five stages of grief. After several days dealing with denial, anger comes out at a lunch he's throwing for the ex-KACL employees... all of whom (save Roz) are doing better than him, just as he's trying to demonstrate how to whack a piñata.
* After an entire episode of Frasier going through his depression over losing his job, Niles manages to crack him through to the fifth stage with one phrase:
-->'''Niles:''' Frasier... you're not famous anymore!\\
''(Frasier begins wailing and sobbing)''
** Roz tries offering support. It doesn't go well.
--->'''Roz:''' Frasier, it's all how you look at things. Look at my life...\\
'''Frasier:''' No career, no relationship, no hope!\\
'''Roz:''' You can say the same thing about me.\\
'''Frasier:''' I was ''talking'' about you!
** And as for Daphne:
--->'''Daphne:''' Grammy Moon had this saying-\\
''(Frasier wails in despair)''\\
'''Martin:''' Are you trying to kill him?!
** Martin, meanwhile, gets distracted by Eddie, who he'd apparently taught to roll over when he hears the words "it's all over", which Frasier says. So...
--->'''Martin:''' ''(seeing Eddie rolling over)'' I'm so proud of you!\\
'''Frasier:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I know you're just trying to make me feel better...]]
* At the end of the episode, everything's sunshine and roses for Frasier, and Niles has good news:
-->'''Niles:''' [[TemptingFate It looks like this divorce is going to be smooth sailing.]]\\
''(SmashCut to title card)''\\
'''Title card:''' [[AC:[[HereWeGoAgain Denial]]]]

[[AC:602: Frasier's Curse]]
* Frasier's disastrously awful job interview. HumiliationConga just doesn't ''quite'' cover it. And the aftermath, when Niles and Martin get back to the apartment.
-->'''Daphne:''' He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.\\
'''Niles:''' ''And you left him alone?!''
* Frasier running into an old, successful school-mate while [[ItMakesSenseInContext fishing beer cans out of a trashcan, as he's covered in grease, dressed casually, and pushing a shopping cart full of old dog food]]. All of which gives the impression that he's homeless, and his strident attempts to claim otherwise make him look like he's gone nuts.
* After having finally, finally been persuaded to go to his old high school reunion by a MotivationalLie from Martin, Frasier leaves... while Daphne notices the flaws in the lie (the job Martin claimed he'd gotten is with a corporation run by one of the people at the reunion. In fact, it's the person ''hosting'' it). Just as Daphne points this out... cue the DramaticThunder.

[[AC:603: Dial M for Martin]]
* Niles enters Cafe Nervosa to find Roz and Martin sharing a table:
-->'''Niles:''' I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[takes Martin's hand]'' Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. ''[Martin pats her hand]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[smirks]'' Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. ''[Roz shoots him a DeathGlare]''
* The first thing we see after Martin and Eddie move in with Niles is Eddie just randomly walking in a circle on Niles's table.
* After Martin takes a tumble down Niles' stairs, Frasier idly speculates he's unintentionally doing it so Daphne will have a reason to stick around. As the day goes by, Niles comes across more and more like he's gone nuts and is actually trying to hurt Martin, who eventually decides to run for it.
* With Martin gone, Frasier is preparing to enjoy an evening with a lingerie model. Then Martin and Eddie show up. Then Daphne shows up. Then ''Niles'' shows up. This ends with Frasier standing over a prone Martin, yelling about how he's being a wuss just as his date finally arrives, takes a long look at what's going on and leaves again. Frasier's response is to stagger over to his table, pick up the wine he'd been specially saving for the night, take a drink, and ''then'' he allows Daphne and Niles to put Martin on his sofa.

[[AC:604: Hot Ticket]]
* While standing in line, Frasier learns Niles has been dyeing his hair. Then, when they [[ItMakesSenseInContext try to steal Daphne's letter]], she snaps at them for apparently rummaging through her stuff.
-->'''Daphne:''' So a seventy-four year old woman from Manchester is going to learn you dye your hair. There, ya happy now?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(as Niles looks smug)'' Daphne... how do you know I dye my hair? I keep the dye in a hidden cupboard.\\
'''Daphne:''' ... Well, I'll overlook it this time.

[[AC:605: First, Do No Harm]]
* This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. TooMuchInformation at its finest:
-->'''Frasier:''' You know, you're jealous. You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?\\
''[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]''\\
'''Niles:''' I'm having a latte.

[[AC:606: Secret Admirer]]
* Just as Frasier is meeting his date for the night, Daphne and Martin start bickering LikeAnOldMarriedCouple.
* Niles's recounting of what happened when he confronted Maris about her attempts to bribe him back to her.
-->'''Niles:''' She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.\\
''(sheer look of "what the hell" on Frasier's face)''\\
'''Martin:''' [[IsThatWhatTheyreCallingItNow You know, they've got a cream for that.]]
* Niles finds out that the gifts Frasier had been getting had been intended for him and not Frasier, and were from Maris. Frasier has a wonderful bit of ComicallyMissingThePoint when informed.
-->'''Frasier:''' Well, that was fun! Had a little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the woman sending the gifts.\\
'''Martin:''' Yeah, we know, the gifts are from Maris.\\
'''Frasier:''' '''''Maris'''''... is my secret admirer?!
* Niles asks a rhetorical question about his ex-wife:
-->'''Niles:''' What is ''wrong'' with that woman?\\
'''Martin:''' Frasier, you start, and I'll jump in when you get hoarse.
* Then Niles gets a potent threat from Maris ("Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel."), leading to this exchange:
-->'''Niles:''' ''(despairing)'' Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?\\
'''Frasier:''' Why didn't I listen to you? If I had, I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.\\
'''Niles:''' I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal.\\
'''Frasier:''' And I '''''won't''''' be.

[[AC:607: How to Bury a Millionaire]]
* At the beginning of the episode, Frasier and Martin are driving around looking for somewhere to eat, when they see Niles pass them in a hatchback. On realizing they've seen him, he guns it. Frasier uses his carphone to call him, and Niles swears up and down [[ImplausibleDeniability it's not him]], even as Frasier can hear his own horn honking. Then Niles gets rear-ended.
-->'''Niles:''' Dad, come quickly. I need your help!\\
'''Martin:''' Oh my god, what is it?!\\
'''Niles:''' [[SkewedPriorities I need you to pretend this is your car!]]
* Niles' guided tour of his new apartment in the Shangri-La, especially the 'master bedroom' and the heavy hints as to what became of its last tenant.
* Frasier is initially, if reluctantly, accepting that pushing Niles into staying at the Shangri-La was the right thing to do. Until Martin hears about it.
-->'''Martin:''' That's my kinda place!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''What have I done?!''
** Going to see Niles, they find him acting casual... in a Hawaiian shirt, trying to sit casually in a lounge chair. But the façade only lasts so long.
--->'''Martin:''' I like it here.\\
'''Niles:''' GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE!

[[AC:608: The Seal Who Came to Dinner]]
* The entire second half of the episode deals with Frasier and Niles [[ItMakesSenseInContext trying to dispose of a dead seal]], while making sure no-one at Niles's party, taking place at Maris's beach house, notices.
* The end result: As a mix of a nosy neighbour of Maris's, an untimely arrival of cops and sheer bad circumstances, such as Niles being found obsessively cleaning a bloody knife, Niles and Frasier are arrested on suspicion of murdering Maris and dumping her body in the ocean. Even ''Frasier'' doesn't believe Niles's protests.
-->'''Niles:''' My wife's in Antwerp having her elbows done!\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, come off it Niles, even ''I'' don't believe that!

[[AC:609: Roz, a Loan]]
* After Frasier grumbles about the situation with loaning Roz money, Daphne [[RantInducingSlight suddenly lets loose]] with a long rant at Frasier for being stingy, then having to make a massive VerbalBackspace when called on it.
-->'''Daphne:''' Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. ''(increasingly angry)'' And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." ''Who has twelve people over for pudding?!'' So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras-munching hypocrite?!\\
''(Long pause.)''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(unoffended)'' Daphne? I ''did'' repay you.\\
'''Daphne:''' What?\\
'''Frasier:''' I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means ''you'' owe ''me'' ten.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''(sheepish)'' Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.

[[AC:611: Good Samaritan]]
* Frasier, hosting the late night version of his show, dealing with [[Creator/RonHoward a man]] who thinks his radio is talking to him.
-->'''Stephen:''' People are talking to me, through my radio.\\
'''Frasier:''' Why do you think that?\\
'''Stephen:''' There it is again.\\
'''Frasier:''' Turn your radio down.\\
'''Stephen:''' Now it's giving me orders!\\
'''Frasier:''' Stephen, turn your radio ''down''.\\
'''Stephen:''' It knows my name!\\
'''Frasier:''' … Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I am a very smart radio, and I care about you. Now I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counselling in the morning.\\
'''Stephen:''' Okay. Sorry, doc, can't talk.
* Frasier gets arrested for soliciting a prostitute (for context, Frasier didn't know she was a prostitute; he saw her standing outside in the rain and assumed she just needed a ride home) while Freddie is visiting, and feels he has to explain the situation.
-->'''Frasier:''' For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.\\
'''Freddie:''' Mom's coming?
* Frasier noting he has to break the news gently to Freddie after seeing the morning newspaper talking about him.
-->'''Frasier:''' God... how can I possibly explain it to him? Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive. He's gonna hear about it sooner or later. ''(as Freddie enters the room)'' I guess it should be from me, I am a trained psychiatrist, I can tell him in a way that won't traumatise him. ''(sees Freddie about to touch the newspaper)'' '''''FREDERICK, DON'T TOUCH THAT!'''''

[[AC:612: Our Parents, Ourselves]]
* The episode opens with Frasier fielding a call from married couple Sophie and Larry (real life married couple Creator/MarloThomas and Creator/PhilDonahue); Sophie is bristling at not being allowed to have friends over during Larry's Super Bowl party, and while Frasier sides with Sophie, Larry says he will only agree if Frasier can prove he knows something about football. Thankfully, Roz is able to help him bluff his way to answering Larry's question:
-->'''Larry:''' You're down by six, you're on your own 40, three seconds left, what do you do!?\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, all right, you would... ''[notices Roz holding up two phone receivers and gesturing with them]'' You would... ''[gets it]'' take your receivers. ''[Roz mimes putting the receivers in a queue]'' And line them up. ''[Roz mimes throwing a football]'' And then throw a pass! ''[Roz repeats the gesture, but more so]'' A long, long pass.\\
'''Larry:''' Yeah, and what's the name for that?\\
''[Roz gets out of her chair, kneels, makes the sign of the Cross, and mimes praying with an innocent look on her face]''\\
'''Frasier:''' A Hail Mary. ''[Roz gives him a double thumbs up]'' Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, "I'm listening." ''[grins triumphantly, presses a button on his console, and removes his headphones]''\\
'''Roz:''' ''[entering the booth]'' I'm impressed you're so good at charades!\\
'''Frasier:''' I'm impressed you could mime a virgin!
* Meeting Bonnie at Martin's usual haunt reveals a bit too much about which kid is his favorite:
-->'''Bonnie:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Your dad is so proud of you.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(equal parts embarrassed and pleased)'' Oh, Dad.\\
'''Bonnie:''' He talks about you all the time. ''(seeing Niles.)'' Who's your friend?\\
''(Niles stares at Martin)''\\
'''Martin:''' Now what's wrong with you, I told you about my other son.\\
'''Bonnie:''' Of course, what was I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.

[[AC:614: Three Valentines]]
* Niles' vignette, "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mWiPaQ872c A Valentine for Niles]]." Comparisons to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin are not unwarranted. It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right. The only sound is the soundtrack (two pieces by Mozart; the finale of Symphony No.40, and the overture to ''Theatre/TheMarriageOfFigaro''), and it is perfect. It all starts with Niles noticing the crease in one of his trouser legs is crooked, and ends with Niles unconscious and trouserless in the doorway of Frasier's apartment, the living room and dining room covered with fire extinguisher foam, and Eddie eating the remains of Niles' dinner off the still-smouldering couch where it landed. [[AnimalReactionShot Eddie's reactions to the chaos unfolding in front of him]] only add to the hilarity.

[[AC:615: To Tell the Truth]]
* Niles' previous lawyers were bilking him so badly Niles was reduced to bologna sandwiches and fruit cocktail for lunch.
-->'''Frasier:''' Do you have any idea what they’re having for lunch??
-->'''Niles:''' ''(sheepishly)'' [[NotHelpingYourCase I don't know. They don't itemize. They just bill me for the total]].
* Donny apparently studied law at the University of Las Vegas. Niles quips, "No trouble finding tassels for ''those'' mortar boards."
* Frasier can't help but give long-winded answers to Donny's practice questions for court.
-->'''Frasier:''' And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.\\
'''Donny:''' And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, I-\\
'''Martin:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Trust me, he did]].
* Among the increasingly desperate ploys by Maris' lawyers is allegation that Niles has been frivolous with money. The Crane brothers waste no time calling out the hypocrisy of this claim.
-->'''Niles:''' Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?!
-->'''Frasier:''' Yes, [[RichInDollarsPoorInSense she'd fill the bathtub with Evian]].
-->'''Niles:''' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Half the time she'd just get a new dog!]]
* One of Donny's test questions is asking if anyone can recall a moment where Maris acted irrational or unstable. [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Everyone bursts into laughter over that one]].
* But disaster seems to loom when, in a CallBack to Season 3's "Moon Dance", Maris' lawyers use Niles and Daphne's night on the dance floor to claim that Niles has been in love with Daphne for years. Daphne finds the idea absurd, while Donny is confident that for once, Frasier's compulsive truth-telling will be an asset. As soon as Donny leaves with Daphne to coach her for her deposition, Niles despairs:
-->'''Niles:''' Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.\\
'''Martin:''' Niles-\\
'''Niles:''' Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a [[FelonyMisdemeanor HATCHBACK!]]
* Martin confronts Frasier over the possibility that he will blow Niles' secret, leaving him financially and emotionally destroyed, simply because he refuses to lie under oath. He finds a creative way to establish if Frasier would ever consider perjuring himself:
-->'''Frasier:''' Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable!?\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, you want an example? Fine! Um... let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the Earth-\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, for ''God's'' sake! ''[shakes his head in disgust]''\\
'''Martin:''' And you were the only person who could save the Earth, but the only way you could do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[looks at Martin in disbelief]'' Who am I lying to, the comet?!\\
'''Martin:''' Just answer the question!\\
'''Frasier:''' All right, I suppose in certain ''extreme'' cases-\\
'''Martin:''' So, then, you'd lie.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[impatiently]'' To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!
* Before Frasier's deposition, Donny says he wants a private word with Niles, and asks why he hasn't been honest with him. Niles assumes he's talking about his love for Daphne - but Donny has discovered something even Niles never knew. It turns out, contrary to her claims, Maris' family fortune didn't come from timber. It came from urinal cakes.
-->'''Niles:''' She's managed to [[JustForPun have her urinal cake and eat it too!]] ''(flashes Donny a faux "oh, snap!" grimace)''
* Maris is on Day 6 of [[IdleRich a week long vow of silence with her guru]]. She changes her tune quickly when [[OhCrap she finds out Niles and Donny have "flushed out" her family secret]].
-->'''Niles:''' ''(over the phone)'' Hellooooo, Maris! ''(grins ear to ear and puts his feet up on Donny's desk)''

[[AC:617: The Dinner Party]]
* ''The entire episode'' is one long string of Crowning Moments building up to future Crowning Moments. To recap some of them:
** First, the brothers try to set a date to throw a joint dinner party.
--->'''Niles:''' Oh, what about the 11th?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, concert tickets.\\
'''Niles:''' I don't have that marked.\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes, I'm taking a date.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, isn't that nice. ''[writes in his diary]'' 11th, "Expect desperate last-minute call from F."
** The brothers agree they can each black ball three guests they don't want at the party, and use three nuts each from the nut tray. After Frasier blackballs Niles' first two choices, assuring us that [[SeriousBusiness "we don't question the blackball"]] once it's thrown, Niles cooks up a gambit to get Frasier to use up his last blackball by suggesting a couple known to them as "The Drunken Duncans". It backfires when Frasier cheerfully pretends to accept the Duncans, forcing Niles to use a blackball on his own pick.
** When Frasier throws in a fourth ball, Niles catches on and reaches into the bowl.
--->'''Niles''': This is a dried-up old fig! \\
'''Frasier:''' So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
** They call the Walburts to invite them, but when Mrs. Walburt doesn't hang up properly they overhear her saying it doesn't matter which "Dr. Crane" invited them, "you get the one you get that other one. Personally I think the whole thing is a little..."
*** At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.
---->'''Frasier:''' Oh? Is there a ''good'' end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole thing is a little ''charming''"?!
*** Cue the pair arguing over who's "the one" and who's "that other one".
---->'''Frasier:''' Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.\\
'''Niles:''' What?\\
'''Frasier:''' You get Frasier, you get that Niles!\\
'''Niles:''' She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!\\
'''Frasier:''' I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!\\
'''Niles:''' I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!\\
''later, after some more arguing''\\
'''Niles:''' This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.\\
'''Frasier:''' Great idea, Niles! Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
*** It culminates in this:
---->'''Niles:''' Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?\\
'''Frasier:''' Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!\\
'''Niles:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?]]\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(beat)'' '''''Oh, you are SO "that other one"!'''''
*** They ask Martin:
---->'''Frasier:''' Dad, do you think we're odd? \\
''({{beat}})'' \\
'''Martin:''' No, you're not odd. You're just "special". Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
** This also sets up TheStinger when Martin tells the two about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothers two eccentric brothers]] who shared a New York apartment and built a maze out of newspapers that one got lost in and died. After bidding farewell to Niles, Frasier takes a stack of newspapers out for recycling.
** Frasier summing up their condition when their favorite guests have to cancel.
--->'''Niles:''' So where does that leave us? \\
'''Frasier:''' Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! ''(throws down list)'' Dinner is served!
** The party plans become such a disaster that Niles has no choice but to ''black ball himself''.
--->'''Niles:''' ''(panicking)'' I've only got one black ball left.\\
'''Frasier:''' At this point, one black ball's not going to make a difference.\\
'''Niles:''' Yes it will, I'm using it on myself!
* The B-story features Daphne and Roz going to a British Consulate ball. A stain on one of the dresses forces them to deal with who will wear the elegant LittleBlackDress and who will wear the more... suggestive dress. Predictably, guess who wears the latter dress?
-->'''Daphne:''' Doesn't she look beautiful!\\
'''Roz:''' ''(extremely annoyed)'' Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.\\
'''Daphne:''' No, I said it made ''me'' look like a hooker. On you... well, it works!

[[AC:618: Taps at the Montana]]
* Niles's cockatoo [[NotInFrontOfTheParrot has an amazing gift for latching onto the wrong dialogue.]]
-->'''Cockatoo:''' AWK! Stuff it, Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' ''Ohhhhh'' don't tempt me.
* The next time we see the cockatoo, she is lying dead on the kitchen table, so Frasier and Daphne cover her with a dish towel before breaking the news to Niles. Then one of his party guests enters, having spilled wine on her blouse, and reaches for the towel. Daphne quickly pushes the towel down and says she should use something much better, as Niles hands her... a piece of bread. She goes along with it, describing bread as "nature's sponge", but the look she exchanges with Niles afterward is hysterical.
* At the end of the episode, Roz [[INeedAFreakingDrink needs a stiff drink after the night's events]], and goes to the fridge... where Daphne has left Baby's corpse in the door. Meanwhile, Niles is reassuring the tenancy board he'll keep quiet from now on. Cue Roz screaming from the other room.
-->'''Roz:''' Oh, my '''''GOD'''''!\\
'''Niles:''' Good night.

[[AC:619: IQ]]
* Another of Daphne's stories about her weird brothers and her childhood. This time, the "Toe Fairy", helped by Martin's being increasingly freaked out.
-->'''Daphne:''' ''(on her brothers' competitiveness)'' They'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until the year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him sawing off the rest of them. ''(laughs)''\\
'''Martin:''' ''What's keeping you guys with that box?''
* Frasier and Niles have won a lunch with three Nobel laureates in a charity auction, but Frasier is left feeling insecure about his intellect after he and Niles finally look at their childhood IQ test results - and Niles scored 27 points higher than Frasier (whereas their mother had always told them the gap was two points and never specified whose score was higher). After shooing Niles out of his apartment, Frasier speeds off to the library for a cram session in the scientific journal archives, but when he meets Niles for lunch with the laureates the next day, he discovers that Niles also spent the night at the library. The hilarity of the scene starts with Frasier twitching uncontrollably after drinking endless cups of coffee the previous night, while Niles is sneezing and scratching his ear after his library session caused a flare-up of his parchment mite allergy.
** Niles has already taken two antihistamine tablets, but is still sneezing, so he takes another two tablets... only to sneeze them back into his hand before he swallows them. He thinks for a moment, then downs them again anyway. The second dose sends his brain into the stratosphere without him:
--->'''Frasier:''' Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed!?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[struggling to put the cap back on his antihistamine bottle]'' Well, that is ''exactly'' what you'd like for me to be happening.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[confused]'' What did you just say?\\
'''Niles:''' Well... if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it. ''[continues trying to line up the bottle and the lid]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[absorbs this]'' Niles, Niles, that medication, it's- it's affecting your speech! ''[points at the bottle; he doesn't notice his hand start shaking]'' You've just taken a second dose of it, for God's sakes, you're gonna make a fool out of yourself!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[high-pitched]'' Well, ''you should talk'', look at your shaky hands and your twitchy eyes, ''[gasps]'' you were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[overlapping with the last part of Niles' sentence]'' No- I am not- I was not- I am ''not'' twitching, you will not psyche me into twitching! ''[his eye starts twitching more and more]''\\
'''Waiter:''' ''[walks over and fills Frasier's water glass]'' Gentlemen! May I offer you a... ''[trails off as he notices Frasier's eye twitching]'' Sir, is your eye bothering you?\\
'''Frasier:''' [[BlatantLies No! No, it's fine.]] ''[his eye continues to twitch]''\\
'''Waiter:''' Can I get you something to drink?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, thank you- oh, well, yes, some coffee. Decaf!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[scratching his ear like a dog]'' I'd like a cup of... tea sounds nice.\\
'''Waiter:''' ''[clearly not sure what to make of the brothers' behaviour]'' ... very good. ''[leaves]''
** Both brothers' mental states continue to deteriorate, Niles' much more quickly than Frasier's:
--->'''Frasier:''' You know what, Niles, you really should leave, you're embarrassing yourself. ''[he tries to take a drink from his glass, but his hand is shaking so violently that he spills it all over himself; he quickly puts it down again]'' For God's sakes! ''[frantically wipes up the spilled water with a napkin]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[shaking his head]'' I'm ''never'' leaving while you're still... not leaving. You... ''know'' you had the good bed.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[confused]'' Well, now you're just hallucinating!\\
'''Niles:''' No, when we moved to Wallace Lane! And we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be... having your... sleeping. ''[sniffs, then leans toward Frasier and puts his elbow in a plate of butter intended for bread rolls]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[even more confused]'' Niles, the beds were identical! Oh, why am I even bothering explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[looks at his other elbow, which is on the back of his chair, then grins triumphantly]'' Well, who's hallucinationing now?\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?\\
'''Niles:''' No, but they've fixed my nose! ''[bats his ear furiously; Frasier groans]'' You know, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper! ''[slumps onto the table, knocking over Frasier's water glass]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, good ''lord!'' Oh, for God's sakes, you've spilled water all over me, you jackass! ''[hurriedly wipes his jacket and trousers down with his napkin, but it is now soaking wet]'' Just give me another napkin!\\
'''Niles:''' Ooh, napkin. Hello, napkin! ''[picks up another napkin and begins idly swinging it around]'' Napkin, napkin...\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[trying to grab the napkin out of Niles' hand]'' Give - give - give me that! ''[finally grabs the napkin and wipes himself down as Niles seems to fade from consciousness]'' Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up!
** Naturally, the three laureates arrive just as the brothers hit rock bottom; Frasier stands up to greet them and discovers the hard way that he has accidentally tucked the tablecloth into the front of his trousers while wiping up the spilled water, and he drags the entire contents of the table - including Niles - onto the floor. For his part, Niles, upon being introduced by Frasier, sneezes into his hand, then extends it up from where he has fallen to shake the laureates' hands (they understandably decline).
** Later that evening, Frasier reveals that the spectacle didn't end there; after the abortive lunch with the laureates, Niles did $1,000 in damage by knocking over the aquarium on his way out, leaving Frasier with a mental image of his brother sprawled across a bed of live koi and weeping as he tried to perform CPR on the plastic diver - an image that he says he will re-visit whenever he feels insecure about Niles' supposedly superior intellect.

[[AC:620: Dr. Nora]]
* Frasier hires another radio psychiatrist for the station based on her blatant flattery. Things take a turn for the worse during her first show, during which she proves to be a HolierThanThou {{Slut Sham|ing}}er, provoking a round of tit-for-tat with Frasier. Meanwhile, throughout the episode, Niles is trying to grow a mustache. Emphasis heavily on ''trying''. Frasier doesn't notice, and Daphne just thinks he's got schmutz on his face.
-->'''Niles:''' [Dr. Nora] even claimed I was the older brother. Of course, the mustache might have clouded her judgement.\\
'''Martin:''' ... she has a mustache?
* Martin approves of Dr. Nora's attitude toward sex. But the old man protests too much.
-->'''Martin:''' In my day sex was something sacred and mysterious. These days you can't turn on the TV without this "oh-oh-ah-ah" stuff.\\
'''Frasier:''' That explains my $90 cable bill this month.\\
''(Martin hides his face behind a magazine)''
* The difference between where Frasier and Roz declare war. Frasier does it after Dr. Nora acts like a colossal wad... Roz...
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(storming out)'' This means ''war!'' Right, Roz\\
'''Roz:''' ''(to Nora's producer)'' You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?\\
'''Nora's producer:''' Yeah.\\
'''Roz:''' Well, it's ''war!''
* Daphne, hearing everyone talk about how Dr. Nora clearly has some issues with her mother, starts dropping some heavy hints that her own relationship with Mother Moon is strained. As in, she starts dreamily recounting scenarios of her mother dying, before cheerily snapping back to reality.
-->'''Daphne:''' Yes, all sorts of things could've happened to a woman her age. A heart attack or a stroke.\\
'''Frasier:''' Exactly.\\
'''Daphne:''' She could be hit by a bus as she's coming out of the pub... ''(getting caught up in her fantasy)'' Or fall asleep smoking a cigarette and burn to a crisp right there in her smelly bed! ''(Frasier and Roz look alarmed)'' Or she could fall off a ferry, and be pulled down under the water, the roar of the waves drowning out her cries for help, until no-one can hear her shrill cries for help, not ever again! ''(back to normal)'' Well, I'm all done with my darks.
* Eventually, Frasier (against the suggestion of Roz who wanted to do something more below the belt) brings in Dr Nora's mother, who despite acting friendly with Frasier, quickly shows her true colors when confronting her daughter...
--> '''Mrs. Mulhearne:''' '''''[[MyBelovedSmother YOU LITTLE WHORE!!!]]''''' ''(Frasier, Roz, Nora and her producer all drop their jaws in shock)''
* The StuntCasting makes it even better, since Nora's mother is played by Piper Laurie, an actress whose best-known role involves [[Film/{{Carrie}} slut-shaming her daughter.]]
-->'''Mrs. Mulhearne:''' So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without [[TheAlcoholic barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus]]! You'll pay for that, missy!\\
'''Roz:''' ''(jumping for joy)'' I was wrong, Frasier. Your way ''is'' better!

[[AC:623-4: Shutout in Seattle]]
* Niles does not have a good morning, coming over to find Frasier's spent the night with Faye, and Martin's spent the night with Bonnie the waitress, while Donny is sleeping over with Daphne. The end result is Niles collapsing at the breakfast table.
* Daphne's attempts to hide the fact she has lost Donny's engagement ring, culminating in her wearing a chicken over one hand.
* Martin comes home just as Frasier is trying to call a missing Niles, whose cell has been left behind in Frasier's apartment. Cue a back-and-forth as neither Martin or Frasier realize they're speaking to one another.
* The beginning of the second act has Roz telling Frasier in a moment of desperation that she went out with ''Bulldog''.
-->'''Frasier:''' Bulldog?\\
'''Roz:''' Bulldog.\\
'''Bulldog:''' BULLDOG!
* Later on, when Roz reveals it's becoming a relationship:
-->'''Frasier:''' Didn't your mother ever warn you that sex could lead to dating?
* Frasier borrowing some of Niles' TotallyRadical slang.
-->'''Frasier:''' That Niles is such a buzzkill.\\
'''Roz:''' What?\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, plug in, Roz.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 7]]
[[AC:701: Momma Mia]]
* In the opening scene at Cafe Nervosa, Roz has set up Frasier with Jessica, a friend of hers, but as said friend is running late, Frasier is convinced he has been stood up. However, a patron at another table catches his eye, although she is with a man, so he asks Roz to establish if they're a couple. Unfortunately, Roz goes to the wrong "couple", and does indeed establish that the man and woman, Hank and Francesca, are not dating... and immediately begins flirting with Hank. Frasier plucks up the courage to introduce himself to Mia, the woman who caught his eye, and is pleased to hear the man accompanying her is not her boyfriend... until she says he's just broken up with ''his'' boyfriend and offers to introduce him to Frasier. To compound his embarrassment, Roz has told Francesca of his "interest" in her, and his attempt to explain the misunderstanding gets a very frosty reaction... and then he gets another one when Jessica finally arrives.
-->'''Frasier:''' Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth operator.\\
'''Mia:''' Not really, no.
* The episode takes place the weekend of Martin's birthday, and Frasier and Niles are taking him to the family's old mountain cabin. Martin is wearing hip waders around the apartment to break them in for a weekend's fishing, leading to a gem from Niles when he and Frasier arrive:
-->'''Niles:''' Hello all! ''[takes in the sight of Martin in his hip waders]'' Well, there's a ''faux pas'' averted, I almost wore ''my'' big rubber pants today.
* Mia arrives not long after, and Niles immediately notices her as a dead ringer for the late Hester Crane, as does Martin when she arrives at the cabin:
-->'''Mia:''' It's so beautiful here.\\
'''Martin:''' Well, I'm glad you like it.\\
'''Mia:''' Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in Heaven!\\
'''Martin:''' I'm startin' to feel that way myself...
* Frasier and Niles return with some logs for the fireplace; Frasier is sporting a bruised thumb after Niles dropped a log on it, and he lays into his brother for the reason for his clumsiness:
-->'''Frasier:''' Well, ''nice going'', Niles!\\
'''Mia:''' What happened?\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles dropped a huge log ''right'' onto my hand when he was startled by a moth!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[indignant]'' It was ''not'' a moth, it was a ''bat'', I could tell from that eerie, high-pitched scream!\\
'''Frasier:''' That was YOU! You know, I wish you'd see someone about this bug phobia of yours!\\
'''Niles:''' It is ''not'' a phobia, I have a healthy fear of our natural predators! It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!
* To the shock of the other Cranes, Frasier hasn't noticed the resemblance between his mother and his girlfriend, leading to the following hilarious exchange between Niles and Martin after Frasier berates Niles for being "so blind" regarding his bug phobia:
-->'''Martin:''' ''God'', she looks just like your mother!\\
'''Niles:''' I know. And Frasier... doesn't see it.\\
'''Martin:''' You're kidding!\\
'''Niles:''' No. And he has the gall to tell me ''I'm'' blind. He's ''clearly'' the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[nodding]'' [[BlahBlahBlah Argle gargle google goop.]]\\
'''Niles:''' ... what?!\\
'''Martin:''' Now you know how it feels, ''what are you talking about!?''
* Later, when they're having dinner, Frasier - referring to Niles's bug phobia - says that a psychiatrist should be self-aware. Since Frasier still hasn't figured out Mia's resemblance to his mother, this sets Niles off in a TranquilFury fashion.
-->'''Niles:''' So you're saying I lack self-awareness?\\
'''Martin:''' Why don't we change the subject? This is a great meal, Mia! \\
'''Niles''': It certainly was. Frasier, when it comes to girlfriends, you've certainly struck the ''MOTHERLODE''.\\
'''Martin''': Niles!\\
'''Niles''': ''[glances at Martin, pretending to look confused]''\\
'''Frasier''': You haven't even read her books yet, dad, it's a delightful series about an adventurous little panda!\\
'''Niles''': Sounds worthy of ''MOTHER GOOSE''!\\
'''Frasier''': ''[looks at Niles]''\\
'''Martin''': Uh, so what's coming next for you, Mia?\\
'''Mia''': Well, I have to swear you to secrecy. \\
'''Martin''': Alright!\\
'''Mia''': ''[giddily]'' It looks like that panda might just find its way into the attic!\\
''[Martin and Frasier laugh]''\\
'''Niles''': Oh, yes. ''Mum's the word.''\\
'''Martin''': ''[spills his water in Niles's lap]'' Oh, sorry, Niles. Would you maybe come into the kitchen and I'll just help you get dried off in there, all right?\\
'''Niles:''' Oh dear, it looks like these pants may have to be ''REPRESSED!''\\
''[Martin pushes Niles to the kitchen]''

[[AC:702: Father of the Bride]]
* After Frasier accidentally offers to pay for Daphne's wedding [[ItMakesSenseInContext (due to a bad case of the hiccups),]] he and Martin are desperate for an excuse to back out without hurting Daphne's feelings. Cue the following:
-->'''Martin:''' Donnie's not gonna let us pay for this! We're not even family!\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes! You saw how he proposed, on bended knee! He's nothing if not a hopeless romantic!\\
''[Frasier opens the door to find Donnie on the phone]''\\
'''Donnie:''' Any idiot knows you gotta pay a hooker in cash!
* Later in the same episode, Frasier is [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qaQNnkq4xI desperately]] trying to convince Niles that his new "girlfriend" Sabrina is actually a high-class call girl:
-->'''Frasier:''' Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she ''fascinated'' by everything about you?\\
'''Niles:''' Well...\\
'''Frasier:''' Even your collections?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[Defensively]'' Yes. I even showed her my collection of rare 18th century Portuguese bud vases.\\
'''Frasier:''' And how did she respond?\\
'''Niles:''' If you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collects porcelain and [[ExplainExplainOhCrap oh my God, I'm dating a whore!]] ... They have my ''credit card number''! I've been running up a ''tab''!
* Convincing Sabrina to leave doesn't take much:
-->'''Niles:''' Sabrina, time to go.\\
'''Sabrina:''' Your father and I were just talking.\\
'''Frasier:''' Did he mention he used to be a cop?\\
'''Sabrina:''' [[OhCrap Maybe we should go.]]
* As part of his attempts to plan Daphne's wedding, Frasier has hired a harpist, who's been in the background through the events. Then, as Martin talks with the minister Frasier hired...
-->'''Martin:''' ''(on Niles' Sunday school experiences)'' I remember it like it was yesterday...\\
''(harp music starts playing, causing everyone to look around in confusion)''

[[AC:703: Radio Wars]]
* KACL has hired a pair of {{Dumbass DJ}}s, Carlos and the Chicken, for their "morning zoo" show. They waste no time in antagonising Frasier with prank calls and quips about the size of his backside. After the first time, Frasier finds Daphne had been listening in her room. Just as he's saying it's a generational thing, Martin comes in, laughing about it as well. Then Frasier goes to leave.
-->'''Frasier:''' For God's sakes, I'm going back to bed. ''(heads toward his bedroom)''\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, oh, hey, Fras, wait a minute, uh, do you think you could get me a tape of the show?\\
'''Frasier:''' What on Earth for?\\
'''Martin:''' Well, how often do you get to hear your son on the radio?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(volcanic DeathGlare) I'm on the radio '''every day!''' (Martin throws up his arm as if to say "Geez, sorry I asked!" while Daphne tries not to laugh)''
* The second time they prank Frasier, he's in the tub, singing... which they catch, and ask him to stomp around his bathroom while singing. Meanwhile, Daphne, Martin and Niles are listening to the radio in the front room. As is Roz, who's in her car, [[{{Facepalm}} head pressed against the steering wheel]]. This time, we are treated to the sound clip "Frasier Crane's Humongous ASSSSSSS Contest!" as Carlos and the Chicken announce a $1,000 prize for a winning photo from their listeners.
* The would-be shutterbugs trying to get the perfect snapshot of his backside render Frasier a paranoid wreck, to the point that when he hears a knock at his front door, he first checks the spyhole, then opens the door and drags a startled Niles inside.
-->'''Niles:''' Why didn't you hold the elevator!? Didn't you hear me shouting? ''[goes to hang up his coat]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, that was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[stops in his tracks, then turns around]'' How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
* The last straw for Roz comes when Carlos and the Chicken QuoteMine broadcasts to make it sound as though Frasier and Roz are having sex live on the air.[[note]] Perhaps they couldn't find the recording of Frasier having sex with Kate Costas live on the air as seen in "The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl"?[[/note]] She becomes the subject of a new contest for "rear view" photos, with a prize of $50 and a six-pack. She tells Frasier there were seven winners before she even left the house.
* Frasier comes to the station prepared to "eviscerate" Carlos and the Chicken with a series of acidic quotes from such historic wits as François de La Rochefoucauld, Creator/DorothyParker, Creator/OscarWilde, Creator/MarkTwain, and Creator/HLMencken,[[note]] One quote he probably should have consulted: Creator/{{Voltaire}}, "A witty saying proves nothing."[[/note]] even though Martin warns him this will set him up for the same unending mockery he and Niles endured as children when they dressed in bowler hats and umbrellas and pretended to be ''Series/{{The Avengers|1960s}}''[='=] John Steed. He rebuffs Roz's suggestions of slashing the [=DJs'=] tyres, cracking their windscreens, or simply beating the tar out of them:
-->'''Roz:''' ''[grabs Frasier as he heads into the booth while Carlos and the Chicken are live on air]'' No, Frasier, they're ''never'' gonna stop making fun of you!\\
'''Frasier:''' Roz, I don't care. I've just figured out something. You know, maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll tell you something, let them do their worst, they will not knock the bowler off of this head! ''[marches into the booth; Roz shoves the door open as he tries to close it]''\\
'''Roz:''' What does that mean!? ''[Frasier shuts the door on her]''
* Remarkably, Frasier does end Carlos and the Chicken's mockery of him over the air - but not in the way he expected...
-->'''Carlos:''' ''[into his microphone]'' Holy cow, look who just walked into the booth, Frasier Crane, the automatic sex pilot!\\
'''Chicken:''' What's up, love doctor? ''[pushes his microphone toward Frasier]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[as Roz watches from the window of the door to the booth]'' I think you two know what's up. There's only so much I can take, only so much ''anyone'' can take from a, a ''juvenile comic and his straight man! [looks at his list of quotes]'' I believe it was La Rochefoucauld[[note]] He pronounces it "La Roash-foo-coh". Remember this, it will be important later.[[/note]] who said-\\
'''Chicken:''' Hey, lemme tell you something, I'll take my "straight man" ''[pats Carlos on the head, oblivious to Carlos' offended look]'' over your sex-starved producer any day, my friend!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[charges into the booth in a rage]'' OKAY, BUDDY!\\
'''Frasier:''' ROZ, ROZ, ROZ! I can handle this! ''[shoves her out again and shuts the door]''\\
'''Carlos:''' Hey, wait a second! I'm not your straight man! If anything, I'm the funny one!\\
'''Chicken:''' All right, dude, let's not start this again. ''[turns back to Frasier]''\\
'''Carlos:''' ''You're'' the one who just started it. ''On the air!''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[reading from his list again]'' It was La Rochefoucauld who first said, "If-"\\
'''Carlos:''' You know, you ''always'' do this!\\
'''Chicken:''' Hey, Carlos, the therapist said NOT to use the word "always"!\\
'''Carlos:''' I just ''wish'' that you could say I was as funny as you are.\\
'''Chicken:''' Yeah, well, I wish I could say that too, but, um, who does all the funny voices!?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''La Rochefoucauld once said-''\\
'''Carlos:''' ''[his voice getting ever louder]'' If I'm so unfunny, how come I'm getting offered solo gigs?!\\
'''Chicken:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, NOW I'm laughin', HA HA!\\
'''Carlos:''' You don't believe me? Ask our agent.\\
'''Chicken:''' ''[outraged]'' You talked to Zachary behind my back!?\\
'''Frasier:''' You know, gentlemen, if I could get a word in here-\\
'''Chicken:''' Hey, I'll tell you what, man, you think you can go out on your own, go ahead, be my guest!\\
'''Carlos:''' GREAT! Because I DON'T need you, and I DON'T need Carlos and the Chicken!\\
'''Chicken:''' Oh, really!? Well, best of luck, funny boy!\\
'''Carlos:''' Same to you, ''[leans toward the microphone]'' [[EmbarrassingFirstName DWAYNE!]] ''[leaves]''\\
'''Chicken:''' ''[points after him]'' Hey, man, that is ''not'' cool!\\
'''Frasier:''' Chicken! I believe it was La Rochefoucauld, the great French thinker, who-\\
'''Chicken:''' ''[rolls his eyes]'' Would you give it a rest, double wide?! I went to grad school too. And, PS, it's pronounced ''[with French accent]'' "La ROSH-foo-coh".\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[hurls down his pad]'' THAT'S IT! NO-ONE CORRECTS MY FRENCH PRONUNCIATION, YOU SON OF A- ''[the rest of his line is obscured as he chases the terrified Chicken out of the booth]''

[[AC:707: A Tsar is Born]]
* One word: "[[DrinkingGame VENEER!]]"
-->'''Sara Briggs:'''[[note]] In her capacity as presenter of ''The Antiques Roadshow''.[[/note]] But the real masterwork is the unique Art Deco headboard. It features a variety of veneers.\\
'''Martin, Frasier, Niles:''' VENEER! ''[all three take a sip of their drinks; Martin is drinking beer, Frasier and Niles are drinking wine]''\\
'''Sara Briggs:''' Mahogany veneer...\\
'''Martin, Frasier, Niles:''' VENEER! ''[all three take another sip of their drinks]''\\
'''Sara Briggs:''' ... burled walnut veneer...\\
'''Martin, Frasier, Niles:''' VENEER! ''[all three take yet another sip of their drinks]''\\
'''Sara Briggs:''' ... and zebra wood veneer.\\
'''Martin, Frasier, Niles:''' ''[now looking a bit dizzy]'' VENEER! ''[they still all take a sip of their drinks]''\\
'''Sara Briggs:''' And now, back to our...\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, God... next week we gotta pick a different word.
* After having gotten a high horse from their antique clock, Frasier and Niles get a message from the Russian consulate, who comes over to inform them of one or two salient details about how the clock wound up in their family. In the past, one of the Romanovs tried eloping to America with the help of a maid, only to get caught. The Cranes are in fact descended from... the maid, who did a runner with the clock, moved to New York, where she worked as a prostitute before meeting their great-grandfather.
* Meanwhile, Martin had been planning to use the money gained from selling the clock to buy a boat. By the time he returns, the clock has already been reclaimed without Frasier or Niles getting a bean, but Martin has good news: He's not getting a boat. But he has bought a ''Winnebago''. Frasier and Niles are exactly as thrilled by this as you can imagine.

[[AC:708: The Late Dr. Crane]]
* After a battle between the Crane brothers over the climate control in Frasier's car leads to a fender-bender that leaves Frasier with a nose injury, the resulting ER visit leads Niles to discover that the hospital employs Maris' plastic surgeon, Dr. Mel Karnofsky, who is still billing him for her botox injections. Niles goes to Dr. Karnofsky's office - and discovers [[GenderBlenderName Mel]] is short for Melinda. Her obsession over cleanliness (''throwing away'' her white medical coat when she sees a smudge on the sleeve and taking another one from a whole closet of white coats in her office) and taste in fine art leave him smitten, but his hesitant attempt to ask her out goes in an unexpected direction:
-->'''Niles:''' Well - Mel, uh... I was wondering... uh... ''[rests his hand on a box of Maris' records from that year - and realises how dusty it is]'' Ooh.\\
'''Mel:''' Oh. ''[fetches a pack of wet wipes from her desk drawer]''\\
'''Niles:''' Uh... ''[chuckles nervously]'' I, uh... uh... this is a little awkward...\\
'''Mel:''' ''[handing him a wet wipe]'' I guess I-\\
'''Niles:''' Ooh. ''[wiping off his hand]'' Thank you, I, uh - uh - uh, I'm not really sure how to ask - uh... ''[shrugs]''\\
'''Mel:''' Mmm, I think I know what it is.\\
'''Niles:''' Uh-huh?\\
'''Mel:''' And you've got no reason to be nervous.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[brightening]'' Oh, really?\\
'''Mel:''' Yes. Just a few quick injections, and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead? They'll disappear! ''[Niles is speechless]'' Well, that is what you were going to ask, isn't it?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[laughs]'' ... yes.\\
'''Mel:''' Well, it's a very simple procedure, although your forehead will be numb for a while, I can fit you in at, uh, 4:30. ''[heads to her office door]''\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, good, that gives me time to do something I need to do.\\
'''Mel:''' ''[as she leaves]'' Excellent.\\
''[Niles grimaces and repeatedly slaps his forehead in anguish]''
* Niles shows up at Frasier's apartment later that day, and the truth has to be bled out of him - literally:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[suddenly leans over Niles]'' Dr. Crane, don't move!\\
'''Niles:''' Why?\\
'''Daphne:''' There's a mosquito!\\
'''Niles:''' Where?\\
'''Daphne:''' On your forehead!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, ''[waves his hand over his forehead]'' get off, get off, get off.\\
'''Daphne:''' It's already gone!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[looks at Niles again]'' Oh dear, it... looks like it bit you.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[obviously faking]'' Oh, right - ow!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[putting two and two together]'' Niles... wrinkle your forehead for me, will you.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[long pause]'' Why would I do that?\\
'''Frasier:''' Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead. ''[Niles stares at Frasier, evidently trying and failing to do as he asks; Frasier's look turns downright accusatory]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[standing up in anger]'' I'm not your marionette!\\
'''Frasier:''' You got a ''botox injection!'' You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[as Daphne watches something in the air behind him]'' I - do - '''not!'''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[her gaze turns to the floor]'' Oh! That's strange! ''[picks something off the floor]'' The mosquito fell right out of the air, dead! ''[drops the dead parasite in the bin]''\\
'''Martin:''' What's a botox injection?\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, great, my ''kids'' are having plastic surgery, that's a nice age to get to.
* The A plot kicks into gear when the evening news (on the aptly named KYLL) reveals that Frasier is presumed dead (an annoying patient caused him to leave the ER before his name was called; when it was, the patient decided to say ''he'' was Frasier - and dropped dead of a heart attack). Niles' reaction - or, facially, total lack thereof - is the icing on the cake.
-->'''Frasier:''' Dear God!...\\
'''Martin:''' What the hell!?...\\
'''Daphne:''' That's unbelievable!...\\
'''Niles:''' ''[stiffly, his face still frozen]'' Outrageous!
* Frasier's apartment is flooded with gift baskets before the mistake can be corrected; Martin "accidentally" breaks the wrapping on as many of them as he can so that they can't be returned. In TheStinger, with Niles' forehead still numb, Martin mischievously sticks the bow from one of the gift baskets on him. Niles looks as his watch and hurries out, unaware that his head looks like it belongs under a Christmas tree.

[[AC:709: The Apparent Trap]]
* Martin knocks on the front door after hiding from Lilith and asks Frasier in a bad whisper, "Is the witch gone yet?" and sees her over Frasier's shoulder. "Oh, Lilith! I was just asking Frasier - is my twitch gone yet?" Complete with very bad fake facial tic. To which Lilith only deadpans, "Skillfully done, Martin."
* Niles is going to say goodbye to Freddie and finds him playing a [=PS2=]. Freddie gets him to play and everything afterwords is pure gold.
-->'''Freddie''': That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum-security prison pod.\\
'''Niles''': Like they could hold me.\\
''[Niles immediately dies by falling over in the training level.]''
** Freddie is in awe because he didn't know it was even possible to die there. Niles then spends the entire episode failing at the game, and when Lilith comes through to talk to him, she takes the controller and starts playing. Extremely well.
--->'''Niles''': I didn't know there was a door there.
** At the instant when Lilith enters the room, the game character screams.
* The plot involves a complex long-game that Freddie may-or-may-not be pulling to manipulate his parents into getting back together (or not). Lilith believes she's cottoned on to his true scheme[[note]]He actually wants a mini-bike and hopes that his parents will buy him one to cushion his 'disappointment' when they reveal that they aren't reuniting.[[/note]] and to Frasier's horror calls his bluff by revealing that she and Frasier are in fact reuniting. Freddie goes to spread the news... including to Niles, who as soon as he hears it storms into the room with a truly hilarious rictus grin combining rage, terror, worry and the most unconvincing fake joy you've ever seen:
-->'''Niles:''' ''What's this joyous news I hear?!''\\
'''Lilith:''' You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends, because we're going to live here in Seattle.\\
'''Freddie:''' I'd live anywhere to be a family again.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[in one single sentence]'' So it is true congratulations to you both good night. ''[walks to the door without looking at anyone, his whole posture stiff as a board with tension]''\\
'''Freddie:''' Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[still not looking back]'' No thank you! ''[storms out]''
* Frasier and Lilith finally catch Freddie out by listening in on him talking about his plot to a friend. Their take away:
-->'''Lilith:''' You know what this means, don't you?\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes... our son is normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.\\
'''Lilith:''' Well done, Dr. Crane. ''[they high five]''
* After a moment, they realise they've left Freddie in Frasier's room, knowing they know about his plot, and waiting for them to come and confront him about it.
-->'''Lilith:''' Well, we really should get in there.\\
'''Frasier:''' Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the axe to fall.\\
'''Lilith:''' Absolute hell.\\
'''Frasier:''' Absolute nightmare. ''(gesturing to the wine on the nearby table)'' Wine?\\
'''Lilith:''' Love some!

[[AC:710: Back Talk]]
* Although this episode is best remembered for the WhamLine in the third act, it still has room for humour. Frasier's back seizes up while he is blowing out a candle on a birthday cupcake from Martin, and Niles shows up at KACL with a "lumbar log" (a cylindrical cushion for lower back support). He and Roz wonder if there might be more to Frasier's back pain:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[as Niles helps him out of his chair and puts the "lumbar log" behind his back]'' I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, that's very possible. You know, birthdays can be anxiety-provoking. ''[Frasier sits down again and sighs with relief]'' Especially for people of a certain age.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[offended]'' I am not "of a certain age", Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore", I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.\\
'''Roz:''' You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help. You just go some place where nobody can hear you, and list all the things that bug you.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sarcastically]'' And in what esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? ''Cosmo''!?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[equally sarcastically]'' No - ''Glamour''!\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick." "I look terrible in a bikini." "He can't find my G-spot!" ''[Niles laughs]''\\
'''Roz:''' I said do it some place private!\\
'''Niles:''' You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles, it's absurd!\\
'''Niles:''' Hmm. The more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid. ''[Frasier doesn't answer]''\\
'''Roz:''' Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles! You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato-\\
'''Niles:''' If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.\\
'''Frasier:''' No-one is going to sell me on anything! That sort of exercise only helps people that lack self-awareness. I, for one, am... ''[trails off and grimaces in pain]'' GOD ALMIGHTY!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run! ''[laughs]''
* Seconds before he goes on air, Frasier sniffs a birthday bouquet given to him by the KACL staff... and only gets as far as "Good afternoon, Seattle!" before a sneezing fit causes such severe back spasms that he has to cue a recording of ''The Best of Crane'' while Niles takes him to a doctor. As Niles has a lunch date with Mel, he is eager to drop Frasier off at his apartment as quickly as possible, but finding a suitable chair proves more challenging than expected:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[after Niles deposits him on the sofa and turns to leave]'' No, wait!... This couch has absolutely no support, let's... let's try the chair over there, please?\\
'''Niles:''' ''[after a brief hesitation]'' All right! [[WaxingLyrical You're not heavy, you're my brother.]] ''[lifts Frasier off the sofa and manoeuvres him across the living room]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[groaning as he tries to keep up with Niles]'' How could you even take me to that unprofessional '''hack!?''' All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquillisers, he didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted to shut me up!\\
'''Niles:''' I - think it might be time for one of those pills... ''[he sets Frasier down on the chair - face first, so that Frasier's forehead is on the back of the chair while his knees are on the seat; Niles checks his watch as Frasier groans in agony]'' All comfy?\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles... ''[gasps as he pushes himself into a kneeling position]'' This won't do... it's even harder than a seat on a public bus!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, when were you ever on a bus!?\\
'''Frasier:''' At a cocktail party once, for the Friends of Transit.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[after a moment's offended reflection]'' I wasn't invited to that!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''Will you just help me up, for God's sake?!''
* Frasier decides to take one of the pills after all, and as Niles heads to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water, Frasier staggers back and sits down in Martin's recliner and discovers, much to his horror, just how ''nice'' it is.
-->''[Niles enters the living room with Frasier's water and sees him in the recliner; his jaw drops]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[alarmed]'' Oh my God! Did you fall??\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[in a blissful daze]'' No... no, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. Look... there's no glare on the television... ''[indicating the table next to the chair]'' And here's a lovely place to set your drink.\\
'''Niles:''' Just give me your hand, and whatever the chair's telling you, ''don't listen.''
* Eventually, Frasier decides to act on Roz' suggestion by talking about things that are bothering him... to Eddie. ("All right, well, here's a start: I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me!") Frasier doesn't see Daphne enter behind him and overhear him say that he loves her (platonically, but he doesn't specify as much) and needs to tell her before she moves in with Donny, but Eddie ''does'' see her; when Frasier finishes his "confession" (and Daphne has fled the room in shock), he notices that Eddie has buried his face in the couch.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[angrily]'' You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up!
* Later, Frasier admits to Martin that he'd been talking to Eddie about his problems.
-->'''Frasier:''' If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.\\
'''Martin:''' ''(first goes "Ah", then gives the most smug, knowing grin)'' Helps, doesn't it?
* Even the WhamLine is as funny as it is world-shattering; Frasier successfully explains himself to Daphne, and, in her capacity as a physical therapist, she begins giving him a back massage as the painkillers disconnect his brain from the rest of his body, including his mouth:
-->'''Frasier:''' You know what?\\
'''Daphne:''' What's that, Dr. Crane?\\
'''Frasier:''' Dad's chair!\\
'''Daphne:''' I'm not takin' it with me if that's where you're headed!\\
'''Frasier:''' It's so ''comfortable!''\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[bemused]'' You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? ''[continues massaging Frasier's back]'' You know what's curious, though?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[high-pitched]'' Cats??\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[chuckles]'' Yes... but I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[blissfully unaware of what he's saying]'' Oh, that... he meant Niles.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[thunderstruck]'' [[BigWhat WHAT??]]\\
'''Frasier:''' Niles!... he's ''crazy'' about you...\\
'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane?...[[note]] Meaning Niles.[[/note]] Dr. Crane!...[[note]] Meaning Frasier.[[/note]] ''[but Frasier is dead to the world]''

[[AC:711: The Fight Before Christmas]]
* Once again, while the focus in this episode is on the seismic shift in the Niles/Daphne story arc, it still finds time for humour. Daphne's tendency to address both Frasier and Niles as "Dr. Crane", having already caused the misunderstanding that ultimately led Frasier to reveal that Niles has been in love with Daphne for six years, then causes further misunderstandings when she confides in Roz:
-->'''Roz:''' Well, who spilled the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it?\\
'''Daphne:''' Yes, but he doesn't know he told me.\\
'''Roz:''' He doesn't?\\
'''Daphne:''' No, he was on those painkillers for his back, and... well, [[OneSteveLimit I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane. He's so close to Dr. Crane! If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.]]\\
'''Roz:''' ''[deadpan]'' Yeah, why confuse things?
* Niles, meanwhile, has to visit Maris to offer his condolences after the death of their gardener, Yoshi (he had a heart attack while trimming Maris' hedge maze; "the paramedics never had a chance," says Niles). Frasier, concerned over how that might go over with Mel, advises Niles not to tell her that he is visiting Maris. However, things fall apart when Mel shows up at the KACL Christmas party, having been invited after doing a segment on breast augmentation during Cosmetic Surgery Week on ''Health Chat'' ("How uplifting!" says Frasier; Mel is unamused).
** Niles' cover story was that he was having dinner with Frasier. Unfortunately, Frasier doesn't learn of this until ''after'' Mel has asked him how said dinner went and he has told her he spent the evening preparing for his Christmas party instead, causing Mel to storm off without a further word. The funny part comes from the ensuing conversation with an outraged (sort of, anyway) Niles:
--->'''Niles:''' Frasier, Frasier, glad I saw you, listen, about last night, if Mel should ask-\\
'''Frasier:''' [[OhCrap Oh... dear.]]\\
'''Niles:''' Oh no.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh yes.\\
'''Niles:''' And you...\\
'''Frasier:''' I'm afraid so.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[seething]'' DAMN you!\\
'''Frasier:''' Well-\\
'''Niles:''' ''You're'' the one that told me to lie to her, now you fail to ''["hits" Frasier on the arm repeatedly, looking more like he is trying to brush a patch of dirt off his sleeve]'' back me up! ''[stomps off to intercept Mel at the coat rack]''\\
'''Frasier:''' I'm a little pre-occupied, I'm having a party tonight for two hundred people! ''[Kenny happens to walk past over this last part; as he hasn't been invited, this is the first he has heard about Frasier's party]''\\
'''Kenny:''' Well, I won't lie to you, Doc... this hurts.
** Niles manages to catch Mel before she leaves; her first assumption is that he is seeing someone behind her back, so she asks for "the little whore's name", but Niles lies again and says he was buying Mel's Christmas gift. Mollified, she lets Niles hang up her coat again and goes to get drinks, whereupon she runs into Frasier again - and Frasier is unaware that Niles ''still'' hasn't told the truth about seeing Maris...
--->'''Frasier:''' Oh, Mel, ah, this is awkward, uh...\\
'''Mel:''' Oh, no no no, Frasier, Niles explained everything, and while I don't like being lied to, I, I do appreciate why he did it.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, I'm so glad!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[racing over to Mel and Frasier]'' '''Oooooh''' 'ello! ''[with a very forced grin]'' Hello! Chatting, are we?\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, actually, I wa- I was just apologising for my part in your little misunderstanding.\\
'''Niles:''' Ah yes, well, then, of course, you were discussing the present. ''[looks at Frasier, hoping he'll take the hint]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[takes the wrong hint]'' Oh, yes, yes, the present! And the future... ''[raises his cup]'' Maris is all in the past. ''[chuckles]''\\
'''Mel:''' ''[turns slowly to look at a chagrined Niles, then back at Frasier, ice in her voice]'' Maris.\\
'''Frasier:''' ... oh dear.\\
'''Mel:''' You were with ''Maris'' last night.\\
'''Niles:''' Well-\\
'''Mel:''' HOW ''dare'' you!... ''[slams her cup down and marches off again]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[glares venomously at Frasier]'' Anything else in the box, Pandora!? ''[hurries after Mel]''
** This time, Niles is unable to placate Mel, who declares that Niles is "obviously still in love with her" and that she's not about to share him; Roz is fetching her coat during this conversation and so hears every word (but doesn't know that "her" refers to Maris, not Daphne). The scene ends with the climax of the plot thread that Roz is the only KACL staffer invited to Frasier's Christmas party, as a livid Niles rebuffs Frasier's attempt at an apology by saying, loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear, that he only cares about the party he is hosting that night. As the KACL staff all begin glaring daggers at Frasier for not inviting them to his party, he gets a hilarious fixed grin on his face and slowly tiptoes out of the room.
* When no-one shows up for Frasier's party, Donny informs him that his rival Cam Winston (who lives in apartment number 2000) is advertising his own party in the lobby. Frasier is furious and instructs Donny to put up his own advert, but Martin is cautious:
-->'''Martin:''' I don't know whether that's a good idea, Fras.\\
'''Frasier:''' What?\\
'''Martin:''' Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future. "Crane Party 1901" sounds like... ''[looks around at the empty room]'' ... well, ''this.''
* Meanwhile, Roz relays Niles and Mel's exchange to Daphne, who starts panicking that Niles will finally act on his six-year crush on her. However, in the process, she tries to draw on experience Roz doesn't have:
-->'''Daphne:''' But what if he says something to me!?\\
'''Roz:''' Just let him down gently.\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, it never works out that easily! You know what happens when you say "no" to a guy!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[[[ReallyGetsAround having never said "no" to a guy in her life]]]'' Yeah... sure.
* Later on a crowd of guests shows up, to Frasier's delight. But Donny is suspicious:
-->'''Donny:''' Okay Marty, how did you get all these people down here?\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, I just called an old buddy in the Fire Department and told him that that many people in one place had to be a code violation.\\
'''Donny:''' Oh, that is smart. But aren't there going to be the same number of people down here?\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[at the piano]'' All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols and then we'll choose our teams for The Minister's Cat![[note]] A Victorian parlour game in which the players describe the minister's cat using alphabetical lists of adjectives, adding one word at a time. Players are eliminated if they slip up in reciting the list or spend too long thinking of a new adjective for the current letter.[[/note]]\\
'''Martin:''' ''[smirking]'' I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

[[AC:712: RDWRER]]
* As part of Frasier and Niles's New Years 2000 celebration, they plan to go to Sun Valley, but with it being just before New Years, they can't book a flight. SmashCut to the Crane men in Martin's Winnebago, with Niles looking [[KubrickStare exactly]] as thrilled with this as you can imagine.

[[AC:713: They're Playing Our Song]]
* Daphne trying out a new vacuum. A few seconds on Martin's chair, and it explodes.
-->'''Frasier:''' Apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" was no match for the "Dirt ''Pile'' 1957".
* Only Frasier could take a simple request for a pre-show jingle and turn it into [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrEAfdUmY4w this.]]
-->'''Daphne:''' It was like Creator/GilbertAndSullivan - only frightening.

[[AC:714: Big Crane on Campus]]
* When Frasier runs into Lorna Lynley (before she was re-named Lana Lynley by the writers), the most popular girl from his high school, he learns that she is recently divorced, but loses his nerve when he tries to ask her out and instead asks her to appraise his apartment in her capacity as a real estate agent. As he rushes Martin out of the apartment, Niles arrives, and we get a goldmine of funny moments as the scene plays out like a teenager trying to get rid of his AnnoyingYoungerSibling before his date shows up:
** First, there's Niles' entrance line:
--->'''Frasier:''' Niles! What are you doing here?\\
'''Niles:''' Well, I've got a crisis. Tomorrow's Mel's birthday, and I'm planning a very romantic evening, but my Gaggenau[[note]] He pronounces it "gag-ah-noh"; as Gaggenau are a German appliance manufacturer, a more accurate pronunciation would be "gag-ah-now".[[/note]] is on the fritz.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[{{Squick}}ed]'' Oh, geez, I don't need to hear this!\\
'''Frasier:''' Dad, it's a ''stove''.\\
'''Martin:''' I know! Six burners and a griddle! Don't you guys ever talk about cars?! ''[leaves]''
** Frasier agrees to let Niles use his kitchen the next day, but then tries to get him to leave. Unfortunately, his explanation that he has a date just stops Niles in his tracks:
--->'''Niles:''' ''[grins eagerly]'' Oh? Anyone I know?\\
'''Frasier:''' As a matter of fact, yes: Lorna Lynley.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[impressed]'' Oh!... No, really, who?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, it's true! I, I bumped into her today at the cafe.\\
'''Niles:''' Lorna Lynley? You, sir, have moxie! ''[Frasier laughs modestly]'' Why, even with all my vested authority as hall monitor, I could never muster the courage to see her ''bathroom pass'' and you ''asked her out? [Frasier laughs modestly again]'' Whoa! I bow down before you! I doff my cap to you!\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, actually, it- it's not really a date.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[smirks]'' I knew it.\\
'''Frasier:''' You see, uh, she's coming over to appraise the apartment, she's in real estate. And I... tried to ask her out, and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though!\\
'''Niles:''' Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called, you're starting in the big game on Sunday.
** Frasier resumes his attempts to get rid of Niles, but is unable to make any progress before the doorbell rings, sending both of them into a giddy panic. Frasier tells Niles he gets one quick "hello" and then has to leave, but the second Lorna enters and shakes his hand, Niles starts giggling like a schoolboy, not saying so much as one coherent word before he leaves. The next morning, after Frasier and Lorna have spent the night together, Niles shows up with the ingredients for his dinner with Mel, and when Lorna appears out of Frasier's room and greets him with a playful tousle of his hair, he dissolves into giggling ''again''.
* Frasier doesn't discover until after he has spent the night with Lorna that she smokes, drinks copiously, and has a very short temper. He walks her to the elevator in his building as she is smoking a cigarette, and she passionately kisses him goodbye before the doors close - at which point he breathes out the mouthful of cigarette smoke she just gave him.
* Frasier gives this winning line to Niles about sleeping with Lorna:
-->'''Frasier:''' I went to bed with the prom queen and I woke up with Literature/{{Carrie}}. 
* Niles enlists Daphne's help in preparing his birthday dinner for Mel, and burns his hand on a hot pan handle. She rubs some aloe cream on his palm, and, as she is still trying to make sense of her own feelings for Niles after learning of his six-year crush on her, her administration of first aid starts to take on a more affectionate tone, to Niles' confusion. Then Martin walks in - prompting an alarmed Daphne to jump back from Niles, denying anything has happened... and then picking up an ''oven timer'' before saying "Oh my, look at the time, I've got to run!" Martin, meanwhile, suggests Niles put something cold on his hand - and places a can of beer on his open palm.
* In the next scene, Niles runs into Frasier at Cafe Nervosa:
-->'''Niles:''' Hello, Frasier.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, hello, Niles, how are you?\\
'''Niles:''' Fine, fine... ''[sitting down opposite Frasier]'' Although the oddest thing just happened.\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, that man on the corner's name is Pete. If you give him a dollar, his monkey won't make those rude gestures.

[[AC:715: Out with Dad]]
* As the episode opens, it seems all five main characters are dateless on Valentine's Day; Roz and Daphne are planning to spend the evening watching sad movies at Frasier's apartment, while Frasier and Niles have tickets to see ''Theatre/{{Rigoletto}}'' as Mel is out of town at a conference. However, as Niles arrives, it seems there's been a change of plan, which Frasier doesn't appreciate, leading to a hilarious exchange of insults:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[entering Frasier's apartment on the phone]'' I can't wait either! I, I, I'll see you in twenty minutes, valentine! ''[makes kissing noise into phone, then hangs up]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[aghast]'' That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!\\
'''Niles:''' No, it was Mel! At the last minute, she decided to skip her conference!\\
'''Frasier:''' So!... I'll be going to the opera by myself.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[pretending the idea has just occurred to him]'' Oh! Well, here's a thought! If you give Mel your opera ticket, then you won't have to be alone! You can stay here and, and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne! ''[looks at the VHS case in Roz' hand]'' Ooh!... ''Film/DyingYoung''! It's a... classic!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[incensed]'' I am surprised by your gall. At the last moment, you... you not only ''bail'' on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!?\\
'''Niles:''' Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I ''have'' to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at The Salad Experience! What would you suggest I do?\\
'''Frasier:''' Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[shoots Frasier a DeathGlare as he storms to the door]'' May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys!\\
'''Frasier:''' GET OUT! ''[Niles slams the door behind him]''
* Deciding to make his move on Emily Browning, a fellow operagoer, Frasier recruits Martin to accompany him, but Martin inadvertently attracts the eye of Emily's mother, Helen, and, wanting to spare her feelings, confirms her guess that his lack of interest is because he is gay. Emily agrees to go back to Frasier's apartment with him, but Martin's lie comes back to bite him when Emily and Helen agree that Emily's uncle, Edward, would be a perfect match for Martin, and he accompanies Emily back to Frasier's. Frasier learns of Martin's lie from Emily and confronts him over it, but is unable to explain that Edward has been brought as a prospective match for him before he agrees to "gay it up" a little. It all builds up to the following hilarious exchange:
-->'''Edward:''' ''[off Martin's claim that he stoked Frasier's interest in art and "upholstery"]'' Were you in the arts?\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, well, actually, Ed-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[deciding to cut Martin off before he spins a lie he cannot rein in]'' Dad was a cop.\\
'''Edward:''' Really? ''[grins]'' The, er... ''uniform'' and everything?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[smiles back, missing the innuendo]'' Yeah, in fact, uh, that's what happened to my hip. I took a, uh, bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for backup, but it never showed up.\\
'''Emily:''' ''[sighing with indignation on Martin's behalf]'' Because you were gay.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[taking Emily's hand]'' Don't think I didn't wonder about that. ''[Frasier rolls his eyes]'' Yes, that was the day I came out. I was lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip, and I said, "That's it, I'm gay, I like myself, and I'm not living a lie anymore!" ''[Frasier rolls his eyes again]''\\
'''Edward:''' I had exactly the same experience when I came out! ''[puts his hand on Martin's knee; Martin does a DoubleTake, his eyes nearly coming out of their sockets. He hides his shock for Edward and Emily, but shoots Frasier a horrified look; Frasier smiles triumphantly]'' Not ''exactly'', perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunter.
* Martin asks Frasier to accompany him to the kitchen to confront him over the setup, but Frasier refuses to come clean in the interest of preserving his date with Emily and to make Martin squirm after he lied to Helen. They emerge from the kitchen to find Edward and Emily talking to Daphne, who is no stranger to being set up with gay men herself, and is getting her own revenge on Martin's mockery in "The Matchmaker":
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[exiting the kitchen with Martin]'' Daphne!\\
'''Edward:''' We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[indicating Edward]'' Oh, he's a charmer, this one! Now aren't you glad you went to the opera? I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here, alone, watching the telly.\\
'''Emily:''' ''[also indicating Edward]'' He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything!\\
'''Daphne:''' With him it's mostly sport. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around a field and he-\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[quickly]'' Daphne! ''[grabs her arm and pushes her toward the kitchen]'' Where are we keeping the Camembert these days?\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[startled]'' Same place we always do!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sotto voce]'' Get in there!\\
'''Emily:''' You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.\\
'''Edward:''' All right, Emily.\\
'''Emily:''' I ''never'' trusted that man.\\
'''Edward:''' All right, Emily!\\
'''Emily:''' Why you loaned him your boat-\\
'''Edward:''' ''All right, Emily! [he smiles at Martin and shrugs helplessly]''\\
''[from the kitchen, we hear Daphne splitting her sides laughing; Frasier emerges a few seconds later, covering by laughing as though he and Daphne have just shared a joke]''
* To Martin's increasing alarm, he and Edward end up getting on so well that Edward asks him if he's free for dinner, and he tries another face-saving lie by pretending he is already dating someone. Enter his unwitting boyfriend...
-->'''Edward:''' Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.\\
'''Martin:''' No, no, really, it's true!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[opens Frasier's front door]'' Hello.\\
'''Martin:''' Darling!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[so confused he cannot move or speak for a few seconds]'' ... sorry, am I interrupting something?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[grinning ear to ear]'' Not a thing, honey, just... take off your coat and stay a while!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[even more confused]'' Okay. ''[hangs up his coat]'' Uh, I, uh, felt bad about that little squabble earlier, so, uh... I thought I'd drop off this little peace offering. ''[picks up a bottle of wine]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[laughs]'' As if I could stay mad at you! ''[puts his arm around Niles]'' Uh, Edward, uh, this is my boyfriend, Niles. ''[Niles is dumbfounded]'' Niles, uh, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight.\\
'''Edward:''' ''[shaking Niles' outstretched hand]'' Delighted.\\
'''Niles:''' Hello.\\
'''Edward:''' You needn't look so startled, I assure you there's nothing funny going on!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[clearly thinking otherwise, but for different reasons]'' Oh, good.
* Frasier lets Niles in on the charade, but Niles is indignant that "They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!"
* With Frasier's date having taken a promising turn moments before, Frasier tells Niles that he has only one option: he must dump Martin. He does so in the funniest way imaginable:
-->'''Frasier:''' So, Niles! You actually, uh, missed a, a splendid evening at the opera.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[feigning playful jealousy]'' Oh, and who's Mel?\\
'''Niles: DAMN''' you and your jealous questions, you don't OWN me! ''[storms off in a huff, sharing a look with Frasier before grabbing his coat and heading to the door]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[stunned]'' Niles, I was only asking!\\
'''Niles:''' You're ALWAYS asking! Badgering! ''Spying'' on me! Well, I won't be ''suffocated'' anymore! I'm ''tired'' of being your trophy boy! It's '''over!''' You hear me!? '''''Over!''''' ''[sniffs haughtily]'' And I'm ''keeping'' the jewellery. ''[sweeps off, slamming the door behind him]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[trying to keep himself from guffawing]'' Oh, Dad. I'm so sorry.

[[AC:716: Something about Dr. Mary]]
* The replacement for Roz during her vacation, Chuck, and more importantly his severe speech impediment. Not a good combination when talking to Doctor Fwasier Cwane or Woz about what happened to his wife.
-->'''Roz:''' Hey, Chuck. How's it going?\\
'''Chuck:''' Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!\\
''(Roz tries ''desperately'' not to crack up)''
* As a setup for the B-plot, Niles reveals to Martin that he's taken up kickboxing.[[note]] As David Hyde Pierce had done offscreen.[[/note]]
-->'''Niles:''' Oh, speaking of golf, Dad, I've become quite the sportsman myself!\\
'''Martin:''' Oh! ''[folds up his newspaper as Niles hands him a certificate]''\\
'''Niles:''' What do you think of that?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[glancing over the certificate]'' Oh, it's very nice, son, but... calligraphy really isn't a sport. More of a craft.
* Niles shows off his newly acquired skills to Martin by demonstrating a roundhouse kick... unaware that Daphne has walked up behind him to watch until he kicks her square in the backside, knocking her into the dining table and spraining her wrist. To make it up to her, he takes over as many of her duties around the apartment as his schedule permits until her wrist heals... an arrangement Martin milks for every last drop:
-->'''Niles:''' Everything comfy, Daphne? ''[sets a tray of food on the coffee table in front of her]'' Here you are - this quiche should hold you 'til dinner.\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me, it's just a sprained wrist. I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[under his breath, not looking up from his newspaper]'' The hell you are. ''[Daphne glares at him]''\\
'''Niles:''' Daphne, it is the ''least'' I can do, believe me. Until you're fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in. Oh! Which reminds me, Dad... ''[grabs a VHS cassette from the bookshelf]'' I rented your favourite video... ''[hands Martin the case]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[delighted]'' Oh-ho-ho! ''Film/DeathWish''!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does! ''[heads into the kitchen]''\\
'''Daphne:''' I never frost your beer mug!\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it!\\
'''Daphne:''' That is just baloney and you know it. Shame on you for taking advantage of your son - I don't know how you sleep at night!\\
'''Martin:''' Well, pretty good since he started puttin' a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[{{Beat}}]'' He never leaves ''me'' cocoa...\\
'''Martin:''' You have to fill out that little card. ''[traces a rectangle in the air with his finger]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh.
* Niles suggesting to Frasier that, if he's so concerned about appearing racist towards Mary while confronting her, they try and roleplay how he'd handle the suggestion, with Frasier playing Mary. Niles's [[ThisIsGonnaSuck realization]] when Frasier, a white man in his forties, starts acting like a SassyBlackWoman is just the start of it.
* In the end, Frasier manages to tell Mary about his misgivings with her approach, and she consoles him by revealing she's gotten a new radio show with a different station, and points out he could've approached her earlier... then points out that if he ''hadn't'', she'd be back in her old job at the bakery, resulting in her saying:
-->'''Mary:''' ''(sincerely)'' God bless your guilty white ass.
* In the final scene, Chuck has taken over for Roz' last few days off:
-->'''Frasier:''' Thank you for your call, Jill. ''[presses a button on his console]'' Well, Chuck, who else is on the line.\\
'''Chuck:''' Weww, Doctor Cwane, we have Winda on wine thwee, who bewieves peopwe awe waughing at hew.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[very long pause as he tries not to giggle]'' Maybe we can just come back to that one, Chuck.\\
'''Chuck:''' Aww wighty!

[[AC:717: Whine Club]]
* The Sunday brunch, with Frasier trying to break the ice between Mel and the gang. Things do not get off to a great start, as - like Maris - Mel has severe allergies to certain foods and Eddie, and the Bloody Marys Roz and Daphne start knocking back cause a bad case of InVinoVeritas to start breaking out.
-->'''Roz:''' ''[pouring herself a drink]'' May I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?\\
'''Mel:''' Oh, not for me, it's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[to herself]'' Not anymore. ''[removes the celery stalk from the glass and sits in Martin's chair]''\\
'''Mel:''' Niles, let's get this gravalax in the refrigerator- oh, hello, Eddie! ''[grabs him by the collar and turns him away from her grocery bag]'' Or... should I say "goodbye".\\
'''Martin:''' Huh??\\
'''Mel:''' Well, Martin, I'm sure you're going to be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here! ''[heads into the kitchen with Niles]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[sotto voce]'' Boy, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[deadpan]'' Oh, please, let it be me.\\
'''Frasier:''' Now, now, may I remind you that we are having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.\\
'''Daphne:''' I agree with Doctor Crane. ''[pours herself a drink]'' [[INeedAFreakingDrink We should all have another Bloody Mary.]]\\
'''Frasier:''' I didn't say that!\\
'''Daphne:''' It was implied.
* Martin insists that they must keep their negative opinions of Mel to themselves, reminding Frasier that he didn't like Lilith, neither of them liked Maris, and neither Frasier nor Niles liked Sherry. Unfortunately, Daphne is out of the room for this conversation, so when Niles asks his family and friends for their honest opinion of Mel, a cascade of PoorCommunicationKills ensues:
-->'''Niles:''' So?... ''[Frasier and Martin put on big fake smiles and shrug innocently]''\\
'''Roz:''' ''[deciding discretion is the better part of valour]'' Ooh, I'm gonna go let Eddie in! ''[hurries out to the balcony]''\\
'''Niles:''' Come on, seriously, I, I, I want you to be totally honest. Really. What do you think of Mel?\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[entering from the kitchen and picking up her Bloody Mary]'' Oh, I don't like her at all. She's bossy and fussy and mean - she's all wrong for you! ''[into phone]'' Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza. Yeah, and some cheese bread! ''[heads back into the kitchen as Niles looks stunned]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[hurries after Daphne]'' I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles! ''[fake laughs]''\\
'''Niles:''' Well... ah... that was startling!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[as Roz returns from the balcony behind him]'' Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles, you know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[indignantly]'' Oh!... That's great! I leave the room for ''one second'' and you rat me out!\\
'''Frasier:''' No, Roz, I-\\
'''Roz:''' No, it's okay! I don't have anything to hide! And I'm ''not'' irrational. ''[pours herself another Bloody Mary]'' She's pushy, demanding, and a gigantic pain in the ass. I'd dump her like radioactive waste! ''[sits in Martin's chair]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[even more stunned]'' Well! So, that's two of you in the anti-Mel camp!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[to Frasier]'' Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too? ''[Niles gapes at Frasier in disbelief]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[sighing]'' No, Daphne did.\\
'''Roz:''' [[OhCrap Oops...]] ''[beats a hasty retreat]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''Frasier??''\\
'''Frasier:''' I just think she's, she's Maris all over again. She's manipulative - I think you're repeating a terrible pattern!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[his shock gives way to anger]'' Oh, well, isn't this neat, we all have our ''individual'' reasons for disliking her. ''[sarcastically, as Martin and Daphne return from the kitchen]'' Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?\\
'''Martin:''' Well-\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[outraged]'' So you '''did''' tell him what you think of her! And after ''shoving'' me into the kitchen, and shaking your freaking finger at me!

[[AC:718: Hot Pursuit]]
* Niles popping by to learn Donny and Martin have gone off to a tractor pull.
-->'''Niles:''' ''(clearly not knowing)'' Oh.\\
'''Daphne:''' As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, then see how far they can pull it through the mud.\\
'''Niles:''' ''(still not knowing)'' Ohhh.\\
'''Daphne:''' The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me".
* Shortly after, Martin and Donny return while Daphne is out of the room:
-->'''Donny:''' ''[removing a John Deere baseball cap]'' Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, a John Deere cap. How... ''[decides not to bother with a polite adjective]'' could you?

[[AC:719: Morning Becomes Entertainment]]
* As the episode opens, Frasier is re-negotiating his contract, and is confident of its renewal until Roz enters and tells him they are being booted out of their time slot so that Kenny can try ''Car Chat with Bob and Bethany'' in the afternoons instead. Frasier is convinced this is simply a negotiating tactic:
-->'''Roz:''' Well, I hope you're right.\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, of course I'm right! Bob and Bethany, ''Car Chat'', '''please'''. I mean, how could anybody drone on for ''three hours'' about a subject that nobody even understands!\\
'''Roz:''' ''[deadpan]'' Yeah! We were there first!
* In the B-plot, Martin's ever worsening eyesight leads to renewed pressure from Frasier and Daphne for him to get glasses after he accidentally goes into the ladies' toilet at Café Nervosa.
-->'''Frasier:''' It wouldn't hurt to get it checked out.\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, come on, don't ''you'' start too, there's ''nothing'' wrong with my eyes. Now, if you don't mind, I just want to sit here, quietly, ''[picks up what he thinks is his coffee mug]'' and have an- ''[realises he's actually picked up the cream jug; Daphne gives him a DisapprovingLook]'' have a... drink of cream. D'you have a problem with that!? ''[defiantly drinks a mouthful of cream from the jug]''
* Later in the week, Bebe Glaser stops by Frasier's apartment to get up him to date on the progress - or lack thereof - in his contract negotiations, and we get some brilliant snark between her and the regulars:
** The B-plot brushes against the A-plot when the doorbell rings just as Daphne is telling Frasier that Martin's new glasses - which are rather clearly ladies' glasses, and ugly ones at that, but they were the only frames he liked in the optometrist's entire stock - are just another target for her skill at pretending to like something. Which, naturally, is Bebe's InadvertentEntranceCue:
--->'''Frasier:''' I'm amazed you could keep a straight face all day!\\
'''Daphne:''' Well, I've done enough clothes shopping with your father. ''[doorbell rings]'' I'm pretty good at pretending to like things, no matter how horrifying I find them. ''[opens the door, and immediately puts on a big fake smile and welcoming tone of voice]'' Bebe, how nice to see you! ''[Bebe wordlessly hands Daphne her coat as if she were putting it on a coat hook and heads across to Frasier]''
** Negotiations are going badly; KACL haven't even come ''up'' to the "insulting" salary Frasier said he wouldn't accept. Niles arrives shortly afterward to join Frasier for lunch, and has a creative suggestion for Bebe - to which she has an equally creative riposte:
--->'''Bebe:''' Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a scare into 'em.\\
'''Niles:''' Have you tried turning into a bat?\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[smiles thinly at Niles]'' I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of ''tiny creatures''.
** As it turns out, Bebe has accepted an offer for Frasier and Roz to take over local morning show ''AM Seattle'' for a week (true to form, she accepted the offer ''before'' telling Frasier about it), anticipating that KACL will agree to her terms when they see they risk losing Frasier to television. Frasier agrees, enticed by the possibility of making the show more highbrow, and Bebe celebrates in the usual way:
--->'''Bebe:''' ''[takes out her phone and her cigarettes, removing one from the latest pack]'' May I?\\
'''Frasier:''' On the balcony, if you don't mind.\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[rhapsodically]'' Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation! By this time next week-\\
'''Niles:''' You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the balcony. ''[Bebe glares at Niles and heads onto the balcony]''
* Niles, unsurprisingly, is disgusted at Frasier for accepting a morning TV job, telling him it's "the final step in [his] descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing bear." And, apparently (yet also unsurprising), Frasier's desire for attention is nothing new:
-->'''Frasier:''' Niles, we are talking about doing a sophisticated television show for one week in order to improve my contract negotiations.\\
'''Niles:''' This has nothing to do with your contract negotiations! ''You'' have been an applause junky ever since you first set foot on a grammar school stage.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[indignant]'' I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and collaborative spirit!\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, ''please'', in your sixth grade production of ''Theatre/{{Oklahoma}}'', you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. van Raphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage!\\
'''Frasier:''' That woman never understood me '''or''' the role of Farmer No.3!
* Just as Frasier is rubbishing Niles' suggestion that Bebe is "some kind of malign witch who can transform people at will", Martin reappears, while still wearing the ugly lady glasses, while carrying Daphne's purse (in which he has been searching for his glasses case), prompting a very dry remark from Niles.
-->'''Martin:''' I can't find a ''damn'' thing in this purse!\\
'''Niles:''' If I say I'm sorry, will she change Dad back into a man?
* Unfortunately for Frasier, on their first morning, Matt, the director, tells him they're minutes away from airing a rerun as Roz hasn't arrived - and the threat continues to loom when she does arrive, at least until a bigger threat replaces it:
-->'''Roz:''' ''[stumbles into the studio, looking and sounding completely out of it]'' Hey! Sorry I'm late.\\
'''Frasier:''' Roz! Oh, for God's sakes, you look awful! Are you sick?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[as Frasier feels her forehead]'' No, of course not, I wouldn't be sick for our big debut, I'm totally fine!\\
'''Frasier:''' Roz, you're burning up!\\
'''Roz:''' Well, it is kinda hot in here! Maybe it's all these lights. If I could just get this jacket off... ''[but as she isn't wearing a jacket, she starts unbuttoning her blouse instead]''\\
'''Frasier:''' No, no, Roz, Roz, STOP, stop! ''[grabs her hands mid-unbutton]''\\
'''Matt:''' She's delirious!\\
'''Bebe:''' With anticipation, darling! Don't worry, I'll calm her down. ''[pulls Roz aside and shakes her violently]'' PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, d'you hear me, we need this show!\\
'''Matt:''' All right, everyone, we're doing a rerun, let the audience go, cue the tapes.\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[runs over to the director]'' Wait! Can't Frasier do the show without her?\\
'''Matt:''' This is a chat show. Who's he gonna chat with?\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[thinks]'' Me! I'll go on with him!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[appalled]'' You!? ''[shakes Roz violently]'' PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, ROZ!
* On their final morning on ''AM Seattle'', which begins with the duo wearing ponchos and sombreros for the "Friday Fiesta", Bebe shows Frasier his new KACL contract, but also tries to entice him with a long-term offer from ''AM Seattle''. Niles arrives in the middle of her "sales pitch":
-->'''Bebe:''' ''[grabbing Frasier like a drowning woman grabbing a life preserver]'' Admit it, darling, you want this as much as I do! ''[unnoticed by Frasier and Bebe, Niles walks up to the refreshment table to fetch a bottle of water]'' I saw it in your eyes during the pie-eating contest - nobody loves blueberries that much! It's the ''audience'' you love!\\
'''Floor Manager:''' ''[off-screen]'' Are you ready for Bebe and Frasier? ''[the audience cheers; Bebe and Frasier's faces light up, while Niles looks concerned]''\\
'''Bebe:''' Listen to them! They want you...\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[caught up in the moment]'' They do want me, don't they!\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[resting her head on Frasier's shoulder]'' Tell me to tear up the contract, Frasier!\\
'''Frasier:''' Maybe it is time for a change!\\
'''Niles:''' GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU SHE-THING!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[disengaging from Bebe]'' Niles!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[sets down the water bottle]'' It's a good thing Dad started choking on that peanut or I'd have never come back here for water! ''Stop this madness!''\\
'''Bebe:''' ''[grabs Frasier's arm]'' He can't stop it! No-one can, show business is in his blood!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[grabs Frasier's other arm]'' No, psychiatry is! Frasier, you're a ''healer''.\\
'''Bebe:''' Anyone can heal! You're better than that: you're an ''entertainer''...\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh God, Niles... she's right! I love the audience. ''[sobbing theatrically]'' I know it's shallow, but it makes me feel alive!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[unimpressed]'' Do you have '''any''' idea how ridiculous you look in this costume!?
* Niles finally talks Frasier into renewing his contract with KACL. Determined not to give up her TV dreams, Bebe tries latching on to the nearest immediate male to sweet talk them into being her co-host:
-->'''Bebe:''' Then quit! Who needs ya? ''[adjusts her poncho]'' I'll find some other stuffed shirt who's happy to ride my coattails to fame. ''[grabs her sombrero, then inspiration strikes]'' Niles, you're a doctor!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[standing in front of Niles as though shielding him]'' '''Niles, don't look into her eyes!'''

[[AC:720: To Thine Old Self Be True]]
* At the beginning of the episode, Niles informs Frasier and Roz about a very overweight woman at the donut shop across the road who's clearly having problems stopping. They're horrified by Niles's apparent voyeurism.
-->'''Frasier:''' That's what you brought us over here for? To gawk at some poor woman's struggle with junk food!?\\
'''Roz:''' Big deal, so she's overweight, you don't need to point it out! ''(Niles gives them a confused look as they go to sit down again)'' It's rude.\\
'''Frasier:''' It's childish.\\
'''Niles:''' It's ''Maris''. ''(Frasier and Roz immediately rush back to the window)''
* This line from Martin while reading a smut newspaper:
--> '''Martin''': ''(to Frasier)'' Oh, will you stop moping. It'll all work [[FreudianSlip ass.]]\\
''(moments later...)''\\
'''Martin''': It's absolutely none of your boobs.
* Frasier giving a stripper pointers on showmanship. He ends up handcuffed to her after insisting she use the prop handcuffs for her policewoman costume - and inevitably discovers she doesn't have the key. Even better is Martin's initial reaction when the attempt to cut the chain fails and Frasier says there's only one method left:
-->'''Martin:''' ''[panicking]'' Well, I gotta warn you, I'm not as good a shot as I used to be... we're gonna have to go out on the balcony- ''I need a cup of coffee to steady my nerves!''\\
'''Frasier:''' DAD!... I meant ''go to a locksmith''.
* When Daphne happens upon the stripper, Frasier (trying to keep Daphne from finding out he's hiring a stripper for Donny's bachelor party) [[StripperCopConfusion claims she really is a policewoman]] named Officer Nasty, and Daphne ''believes'' it. When she finds out the truth, she gasps, "Officer Nasty!" in horror.
* Due to a pile-up of circumstances involving Maris, Mel, a neighbour Frasier had been trying to court, and the stripper, Frasier eventually ends up confessing the truth. The capper is that he asks if his neighbour would want to date him at that point, and the stripper (named Dinah) chimes in that ''she'' would.

[[AC:721: The Three faces of Frasier]]
* Frasier finally gets a caricature on the wall of Stefano's, the upscale Italian restaurant at which he has been a regular customer since childhood. However, he is unamused to see that the caricature sports a ForeheadOfDoom, and as he, Martin, and Daphne return home, he vents his frustration:
-->'''Martin:''' Fras', will you let it go, it's a perfectly nice picture!\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh?... so, nothing jumped out at you as, I don't know, ''encephalitic!?''\\
'''Martin:''' So they gave you a big forehead, who cares? It makes you look smart!\\
'''Frasier:''' It makes me look like I discovered ''fire!''\\
''[later, after Niles (who bowed out of going to Stefano's after a childhood vomit incident) has arrived and asked what the surprise was]''\\
'''Daphne:''' They put his picture on the wall and he thinks his forehead looks a touch too big.\\
'''Frasier:''' A ''touch?!'' I look like a fugitive from Easter Island!
* Niles chides Frasier for his vanity in objecting to the quality of his caricature after spending his entire life hoping to be immortalised on the wall at Stefano's. Frasier calls him out on his [[{{Hypocrite}} hypocrisy]]:
-->'''Frasier:''' Vanity has nothing to do with it! It's about misrepresentation! And you know, if I were you, I'd be careful about ''bandying'' about the word "vain", Mr. $250 Haircut! ''[Martin looks at Niles in disbelief]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[defensively]'' I have problem follicles.\\
'''Martin:''' Frasier, it's a ''caricature'', they ''exaggerate'' stuff. Now, if it were me, they'd have drawn, maybe, a big cane. ''[gestures to his cane]'' If it were Niles, they'd draw a barber cutting the hair off a giant sucker. ''[Niles looks offended; Frasier smirks at him]''
* Daphne tries to comfort Frasier, only for the conversation to take an unexpected turn thanks to her ongoing subconscious turmoil over the possibility that she might reciprocate Niles' feelings for her:
-->'''Daphne:''' I know you're sensitive about your big forehead. But we all have stuff like that! With me it's my eyes. I've always fancied sparkling blues instead of dull old brown.\\
'''Niles:''' ''Your'' eyes? ''[scoffs]'' Your eyes are not dull!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[pleased]'' Thank you, Dr. Crane, that's very nice.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, they're, they're... warm, and, and, uh... full of life.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[without thinking]'' You have beautiful eyes too. ''[Niles and Frasier absorb this; when Daphne finally realises what she has just said, she hurriedly sets down the parcel she is holding]'' Oh, goodness, I can't be lollygagging around here, I have to... [[INeedToIronMyDog to get Dr. Crane his oat bran!]] ''[she grabs something from the coat rack and hurries to the front door]''\\
'''Frasier:''' Oat bran? Now?\\
'''Daphne:''' You'll need it for the morning! You've got to have something to sop up all that nasty cholesterol gumming up your heart! If not, I'm liable to come home and find you face down on the floor, with the dog gnawing off your foot. And I'm not making that up either, that happened. Cheerio! ''[shuts the door after her]''\\
'''Martin:''' I wish she moved that fast when I'm out of beer.
* Later on Frasier declares he has an idea about how to get the picture changed to a more flattering one, Niles leaves him with a parting shot, hoping he doesn't lose the idea inside 'that giant puppet head of yours.'
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(Indignantly)'' Giant puppet head indeed!
* At the episode's climax, Frasier finally loses his cool and chews Stefano out for hiring a third-rate artist to draw his portrait. As Frasier rips into the artist's apparent lack of skill, Stefano's elderly mother bursts into tears, and Frasier realises that ''she'' is the artist. Frasier's anger crumbles as a berserk Stefano chases him out of the restaurant with his tail between his legs.

[[AC:722: Dark Side of the Moon]]
* The episode opens with Daphne in a therapy session with psychiatrist Dr. [=McCaskill=], and the ensuing conversation reveals that a judge has ordered her to go into anger management counselling. Daphne tells Dr. [=McCaskill=] about the surprise bridal shower Donny threw for her at Niles' apartment, and the game of "toilet paper bridal gown" the guests played.
** Team A, which includes Donny as the "model" and Daphne's friend Holly as one of the "designers", produces a dress that looks more like a child's homemade mummy costume. However, Team B, which includes Martin as the "model" and Niles as the head "designer", gives us the funniest dress - or lack thereof:
--->'''Mel:''' Team B!\\
''[Martin's "costume" is revealed to consist entirely of a veil and a few strips of toilet paper criss-crossing his torso with a bow in the middle, making him look as though he belongs under a Christmas tree]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[embarrassed]'' We're not finished yet!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[angry]'' You shouldn't have spent so much time with the sketches!
** But Team C, with Roz as the "model" and Frasier as the head "designer", is the runaway winner with a startlingly realistic dress, complete with toilet paper bouquet.
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[after Roz has removed the toilet paper dress]'' Roz, you know, some day, you're going to make a beautiful bride. Of course, your dress won't be made out of toilet paper. ''[Roz laughs]''\\
'''Niles:''' Or be white. ''[Roz shoots him a DeathGlare and smacks him with a toilet paper bouquet]''
* Donny announces that he has invited Daphne's favourite brother over from England: Stephen! ... er, no. Billy? No. Michael? Nigel? David? None of the above - Donny has invited her parasitic, alcoholic, ''least'' favourite brother, Simon. Who sets up in Frasier's guest room and becomes TheThingThatWouldNotLeave, which leads to an unfortunate encounter when Frasier heads into his bedroom upon returning home from work:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[as Martin enters the apartment with Eddie]'' Mr. Crane, I thought you were out with Simon!\\
'''Martin:''' Nope, just Eddie.\\
'''Daphne:''' Then where's Simon?\\
'''Frasier:''' DAPHNEEEEE! ''[charges into the living room]'' Your brother is in my bed, NUUUUUUUDE!
* The climax, as Daphne finally reaches breaking point. As the other characters are captivated and horrified by the four-car pile-up caused by Daphne's [[RantInducingSlight Slight-Induced Rant]], [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone including Daphne herself]], a miffed, cold-ridden and ''completely'' oblivious Frasier walks by to provide some much-needed MoodWhiplash:
-->''[as Daphne opens the door to an irate Elliott Bay resident with a basket of dirty, wet laundry]''\\
'''Neighbour:''' ''[acidly]'' I know what you did. Someone saw you leave the laundry room. You threw all my wet clothes all over the floor!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[reaching not so much breaking point as shattering-into-powder point]'' Ohhh. I'm ''sorry''. I didn't realise they were still wet. ''[grabs the laundry basket]'' HERE! Let me help! ''[runs over to the fireplace]''\\
'''Neighbour:''' What are you doing?!\\
'''Daphne:''' Oooh! That's nice and hot! ''[starts throwing items of clothing into the fire]''\\
'''Neighbour:''' Stop it!\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[as Martin, Donny, and Donny's parents look on in horror]'' What, not fast enough for you!? Here! ''[runs to the balcony and opens the door]''\\
'''Neighbour:''' ''STOP IT!!''\\
'''Daphne:''' Maybe if we AIR-DRIED them! ''[runs outside and upends the basket over the edge as the neighbour continues to shout her protests]'' THERRRRRE! ''[hurls the basket to the balcony floor]'' That should do it! '''''YA HAPPY NOW?!'''''\\
''[HONK] [CRASH] [CRASH] [beep beep beep] [CRASH] [CRASH] [Donny's parents are appalled, Donny looks mortified, Martin {{Face Palm}}s, and Daphne herself visibly realises she has gone ''much'' too far. Even Simon and his three barfly friends are shocked. Enter the one person in the apartment who has no idea what has just happened...]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[marching to the kitchen]'' [[WhileRomeBurns FINE! I guess I'll just have to make my OWN]] '''[[LargeHam teeeeeeaaaa!]]'''
* The episode's final scene likewise ends on a comical note of MoodWhiplash; Dr. [=McCaskill=] asks Daphne why she was wearing her favourite dress to her bridal shower if it was a surprise, forcing her to acknowledge that the real reason she went to Niles' apartment dressed in her best is because she thought he was finally going to tell her he loved her - and she was fully prepared to reciprocate. Her mind positively brimming with questions, she asks Dr. [=McCaskill=] what it means and what she should do, and gets a singularly unhelpful answer:
-->'''Dr. [=McCaskill=]:''' I'm sorry, but our time is up.

[[AC:723: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue, Part 1]]
* As the episode opens, Roz drops off a gift for Daphne, reasoning that she can't get married without something borrowed. Niles can't resist a dig at Roz' expense:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''[opening the box]'' Oh! What a beautiful garter! ''[takes it out of the box and admires it]'' Look at all of the lovely detail.\\
'''Niles:''' [[ReallyGetsAround I especially like the little odometer.]] ''[Roz gives him a dirty look and backhands him in the stomach; Frasier smirks at Niles behind Roz and mouths "That's good!"]''
* Roz unwittingly sets herself up to be snarked at by Niles again minutes later when she begs Daphne not to seat her next to her ex-boyfriend Tim at the wedding reception (which is difficult as Tim is now dating Daphne's bridesmaid Annie):
-->'''Roz:''' ''[sighs, frustrated]'' This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I dated?\\
'''Niles:''' I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.\\
'''Roz:''' ''[gives Niles another dirty look]'' Shut up, ya big doily.
* Daphne informs Frasier that she knows about Niles's crush. He's outraged, not being able to recall the little detail of just ''who'' clued her in.
-->'''Frasier:''' Someone blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut?! Who was it? Dad? Roz?\\
'''Daphne:''' You.

[[AC:724: Something Borrowed, Someone Blue, Part 2]]
* Frasier blaming Roz for his revealing everything to Daphne.
* While much of the scene is heart-wrenching, there's severe MoodWhiplash as Niles and Daphne's attempts to talk are ''repeatedly'' ruined by people bursting in, culminating in Simon and Gertrude Moon bringing the entire wedding party into the room, even after Niles and Daphne lock the doors (Simon stole Frasier's key).
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 8]]
[[AC:801 / 802: And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon]]
* Niles and Daphne having to break the news to Mel and Donny about what's happened. Donny faints, and Mel...
-->'''Niles:''' Please, say something.\\
'''Mel:''' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!'''''
* At the fake wedding reception for Niles and Mel, Martin decides to have his fun by faking concern the marriage won't last.

[[AC:803: The Bad Son]]
* Niles enjoying the fact he no longer even needs an excuse to see Daphne.
-->''[Daphne answers the doorbell to reveal Niles standing outside]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Hey Niles! I thought you were working.\\
'''Niles:''' Well, the patient cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by and see you. ''(sighs)'' Oh my god, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. I'm here to see ''you!'' No more flimsy pretences, no more making tedious small talk with dad!\\
'''Martin:''' Hey, Niles, it's 82 in Florida!\\
'''Niles:''' Here to see Daphne, dad!

[[AC:804: The Great Crane Robbery]]
* Frasier and Mel's [[BlatantLies warm reunion]] at Café Nervosa.
-->'''Mel:''' Frasier, you're looking-\\
'''Frasier:''' And you. We must do this again sometime. ''(flees)''
* Frasier redesigning his apartment after new KACL owner Todd takes a shine to it and imitates it exactly. At the end of the following montage, Frasier has gotten rid of everything in his apartment except Martin's chair. Then Todd shows up to say his apartment is getting media coverage. A horrified Frasier tries to sit down, only [[HoistByTheirOwnPetard there's a problem there]]...
* Niles, being forced to act like a jackass by Mel, is told to insult a man at dinner so Mel can have justification for divorcing him. And when Niles does, it all goes horribly right.

[[AC:812: The Show Must Go Off]]
* Want to see a magnificent actor [[LargeHam ham it]] UpToEleven? Watch Sir Creator/DerekJacobi on the stage in this episode. Or even better, the end of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YClxN6uENbg this scene]].

[[AC:813: Sliding Frasiers]]
* In this episode-long parody of ''Film/SlidingDoors'', Frasier's love life undergoes different twists and turns leading up to Valentine's Day (although both end with him single and still looking) depending on whether he decides to wear a suit or a more casual sweater to a speed date (at the time, a new innovation). In the "sweater" path, he has a miserable time at the speed date, which takes a while to register with Martin:
-->''[a sullen Frasier trudges into his apartment, hurling his keys onto the shelf, as Martin watches TV]''\\
'''Martin:''' Hey Fras. How'd that speed date thing go?\\
'''Frasier:''' Could ''not'' have been ''worse''.\\
'''Martin:''' That's nice.\\
'''Frasier:''' You're not listening, Dad.\\
'''Martin:''' Oh - I'm sorry, son. ''[he mutes the TV as Frasier hangs up his coat]'' Well, d'you get any phone numbers?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, but... if I ever wanna track any of them down, I can always write to them, care of... the bottom of the barrel. ''[rips off his nametag]''
* Things are going rather better for Niles and Daphne, especially in the "sweater" path. As Frasier is feeling sorry for himself, Daphne arrives with a double armload of grocery bags:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[opening the door in response to Daphne knocking]'' Oh, oh, hi Daphne, here, let me help you with that. ''[takes two of Daphne's grocery bags]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes, of course, yes. ''[looks at the bags]'' Boy, you're really loading up, aren't you?\\
'''Daphne:''' It's for Niles' Valentine's dinner!\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, that's not 'til next week!\\
'''Daphne:''' I know, but it's a complicated recipe, I need time to practise. You two are gonna be my guinea pigs! ''[heads into the kitchen]''\\
'''Martin:''' ''[sotto voce, to Frasier]'' Maybe we could fake our own deaths.

[[AC:814: Hungry Heart]]
* Due to anxiety issues leading to overeating (and because actress Jane Leeves was pregnant) Daphne has become very fat, a story arc that culminates in this episode. She falls over and hurts her ankle and it takes the three Crane men (Frasier, Niles and Martin) to lift her off the floor. Martin's innocent delivery of the following line, clearly believing Daphne will find it amusing (she doesn't), is icing on the cake.
--> '''Martin:''' Hey Daphne, I just realized something! It took three Cranes to lift you!

[[AC:815: Hooping Cranes]]
* An ecstatic Martin comments on Niles making the free throw shot. The delivery is what makes it funny:
--> '''Martin''': I know I always told you boys that sports aren't important... but they ''are''.
* In the b-plot, Roz starts dating a French guy, despite only speaking two words of French (''oui'' and ''non''), and when she wants to break it off with him, asks Frasier for help. Turns out he's been wanting to break it off with her as well, so while Roz is reciting her planned break-up speech, Frasier and the guy are discussing where to find a good steak.

[[AC:816: Docu.Drama]]
* Frasier, ranting about being called overbearing by Roz, gets defensive.
-->'''Frasier:''' I'm just passionate! And ''right!'' And [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs passionate about being right!]]
* "I have got to show her once and for all that I am not some meddler and she is only being paranoid! [[HypocriticalHumor Now I'll be in my room, plotting some way to prove it.]]"
* John Glenn in the recording studio, while Roz and Frasier are having a discussion. The [[SelectiveObliviousness Selectively Oblivious]] astronaut-turned-senator goes on a spiel about his days in the space program...giving an increasingly strong implication that he and the other astronauts were told to cover up some of the things they saw up there....

[[AC:817: It Takes Two to Tangle]]
* Trying to distract the wealthy Penelope Janvier's son William, who objects to his mother's philanthropic ways, Niles claims one of her party's servers wants her to fund a play. Soon, he's confronting some waiters about it:
-->'''William:''' All right, listen up! Which one of you snack-jockeys is trying to get a play produced?\\
''(every waiter in the room raises their hands, as do some of the guests)''

[[AC:819: Daphne Returns]]
* Roz tells Frasier that she is planning to write a children's book based on a story her mother told her when she was younger and that she is now using to entertain Alice (unaware that [[Literature/{{Heidi}} the story has already been published]]). Frasier recalls that he and Niles wrote children's detective stories with themselves as young sleuths when they were younger, "along the lines of a ''[[Literature/TheHardyBoys Hardy Boys]]'' or a ''Literature/NancyDrew''..."
-->'''Roz:''' "The Nancy Boys"?
* After Niles realizes that he's been idealising Daphne too much for too long and needs to come to terms with the fact that she's flawed and human rather than put her on a pedestal, he decides to confront her insecurities head-on and demonstrate to her that he is willing to do this. Unfortunately, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6t9R4GBejo he decides to do this by insulting her cooking, much to her annoyance, which leads to an argument where certain other truths are revealed:]]
-->'''Niles:''' Then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you.\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[Offended]'' Are you saying I'm not psychic?!\\
'''Niles:''' Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
* Daphne tops everything with this line when Niles thinks they're going to have make-up sex.
-->'''Daphne:''' ''(icily grinning)'' Well, at least we know who's ''not'' psychic.

[[AC:821: Semi-Decent Proposal]]
* While playing a game of truth, Daphne and Niles reveal two dark secrets they've never told anyone. Roz isn't very impressed by either (beating up a kid with rickets for Niles, stealing a teddy bear and then returning it for Daphne), and decides she shouldn't share hers with them. Martin tries to convince her.
-->'''Martin:''' Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.\\
'''Roz:''' Okay.\\
''(Roz leans in and whispers into Martin's ear. After a few seconds his smile vanishes and he looks appalled. He stands up, and without a word starts walking off to his room, stopping only to look back at Roz with horror.)''

[[AC:822: A Passing Fancy]]
* Frasier is tutoring Kirby, which isn't going well. At one point, Frasier tries to sweeten the deal:
--> '''Frasier''': All right, Kirby, I'm gonna make you an offer. If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous dinner at Les Habitants. How does that sound?\\
'''Kirby''': You and me at a fancy French restaurant?\\
'''Frasier''': That's right.\\
'''Kirby''': Kind of gay.

[[AC:824: Cranes Go Caribbean]]
* It seems the weekend getaway to Belize that ultimately turns into a Crane family vacation has an especially powerful effect on Niles - to Frasier's disgust:
-->'''Niles:''' Frasier, this vacation is going to do you good! ''[pats Frasier's leg]'' This place is completely freeing. Would you believe that today I dabbled in public nnn''nudity''? ''[Frasier looks uneasy]'' Daphne and I found a secluded cove on the beach. We shed our garments and surrendered ourselves to the sand, the sea, and one rather curious grouper! ''[grins]''\\
'''Frasier:''' [[TooMuchInformation Don't you have a diary!?]]
* At dinner, Martin gleefully tells a worried Daphne and Niles that the skipper of his fishing boat has a telephoto lens and posts pictures of nude beachgoers in the bait shop under "Catch of the Day" - unaware that his fellow diners have apparently become that day's "catch". In TheStinger, Niles smuggles the picture out of the bait shop in his shirt and shows it to Daphne; the gradual shift in their expressions from shock to self-satisfaction (before they flee the fishing boat skipper, who runs after them with a hammer when he discovers the photo missing) is hilarious.
* Frasier [[RantInducingSlight loses his cool]] when he finds out that the seafood restaurant is out of every fish dish on the menu and they offer him steak instead.
-->'''Frasier:''' There is an ocean [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal full of fresh fish not fifteen feet away]], [[LargeHam but why not try a slab of artery-clogging, hormone-injected, frozen red meat instead?!?]]
* And once Frasier has stomped off, an outraged Martin asks the waiter why no-one told him they had steak.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 9]]
[[AC:901 / 902: Don Juan in Hell]]
* Frasier trying to figure out his feelings re: Claire or Lana, and the montage of him asking everyone, including Martin, Daphne, and a janitor on the plane home.
* The entirety of the second half, where Frasier, now agonizing over his decisions, heads out for a drive. He soon gets joined by a hallucination of Lilith, followed shortly after by Diane. And then he starts seeing a hallucination of Nanette when he first met her - a young, CuteButCacophonic hippie.
* Eventually, Frasier reaches the cabin the Cranes used to go to (as seen in "Mamma Mia"), and the situation gets worse for him, and his attempts at psychoanalysis, when a hallucination of Hester shows up to weigh in.
* Frasier's attempts to flee his own mind turning on him aren't helped when he opens the door to the cabin and sees a veritable horde of all the girlfriends of the week from across the series.
-->'''Frasier:''' It's every woman I've ever dated!

[[AC:903: The First Temptation of Daphne]]
* In the B plot, a particularly noisy cricket invades Frasier's apartment. Martin insists that Eddie, as a terrier, is a born hunter, and sics him on the cricket. Eddie immediately begins chasing his own tail.
* Time passes, and Frasier is unable to sleep through the cricket's chirping, leaving him a nervous wreck.
-->''[the cricket chirps; Frasier frantically slaps the kitchen counter with a fly swatter, but to no avail]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[slumps, defeated]'' Damn it!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[entering and getting a beer from the fridge]'' Geez, you still at it? Why don't you go to your room, you won't even hear the thing if you close your door!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[wild-eyed]'' Close my door!?... And just ''concede'' defeat, I know, here's a better idea, I'll just move out and let him have the run of the place! That's good, I'll have two apartments, one for me, one for my cricket! ''[Martin gives him a "Stop being ridiculous" look; Frasier calms down]'' I ''tried'' closing my door, and I could still hear it. ''[the cricket chirps again; Frasier jolts, despair in his voice]'' Dear god, can't you make him ''shut up''!?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[heading into the living room]'' That prayer doesn't get answered around here.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[shoots Martin a DeathGlare, then follows him and points the fly swatter at him]'' THIS IS YOOOUR FAULT! ''You're'' the one who brought him here!\\
'''Martin:''' ''[sitting in his chair]'' What's the big deal?! If you were paying a ton of money to stay in some country inn, you'd be loving the sound of crickets!\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes, well, I love a babbling brook, too, but that doesn't mean I want one '''surrrging''' through my condo! ''[throws the fly swatter onto the dining table and heads for the phone]'' I'm calling an exterminator.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[horrified]'' No, you can't do that, the chemicals are too dangerous for Eddie!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[stops in his tracks]'' All right, fine, you have ''twenty-four hours'' to get that ''intruder'' out of here, or I'm calling, Eddie or no Eddie! ''[the cricket chirps again; Frasier slowly turns toward the kitchen, a tortured look in his eye]'' It ''taunts'' me.
* Frasier and Martin finally catch the cricket with the aid of a gecko on a dental floss leash, but the two Cranes, high on the thrill of the hunt, reason that crickets only chirp to attract mates, so there must be a second cricket in the apartment, and they must release the gecko again. In TheStinger, as Frasier and Martin compete to see who can stuff the most marshmallows in their mouths at once (a CallBack to the episode's first scene, in which Martin revealed that Duke can fit 27 marshmallows in his mouth), the camera pans to the end of the dental floss leash to reveal that Eddie has eaten the gecko.

[[AC:906: Room Full of Heroes]]
* The kids in the building are terrified of Frasier, because Martin told them that "Old Man Crane" eats brains. It becomes a RunningGag throughout the episode, and the end of the episode features Frasier appearing to [[ItMakesSenseInContext pull Niles' scalp off]].
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(after Daphne informs him about the "Old Man Crane" rumour)'' Who knows how these things happen?\\
''(cut to outside the apartment where a bunch of kids are playing when Martin and Eddie show up)''\\
'''Martin:''' Whoa! Hey, hey, keep it down, will ya?\\
'''Kid:''' We're just playing.\\
'''Martin''': I know, but... you know how Old Man Crane gets, especially on Halloween, or as he calls it, "harvest time".\\
''(the kids scream and run away in terror)''
* Every single time Niles imitates Martin, and the two go "HA!" simultaneously.

[[AC:907: Bla Z Boy]]
* Frasier insists ThereAreNoCoincidences when Martin spills oil on his Berber rug, thinking Martin did it on purpose, whether consciously or subconsciously. Martin's reply is priceless.
-->'''Martin:''' For the last time, this was not malicious, it was an accident!\\
'''Frasier:''' I don't think you know the difference!\\
'''Martin:''' Yes, I do! ''(points at rug) That'' was an accident! ''(angrily squirts oil all over Frasier's shirt and face)'' '''''THIS IS MALICIOUS!'''''
* Frasier accidentally sets fire to the chair while it's perched on the balcony while he's removing the stain from the rug. His attempts to put out the fire lead to the chair toppling off the balcony, leading to this perfectly timed moment:
-->'''Daphne:''' ''(walking on the sidewalk with Martin)'' Dr. Crane's moods never last very long. [[TemptingFate I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.]]\\
''(The smoking chair '''CRASHES''' right in front of the shocked duo.)''
* Frasier makes a complete duplicate of Martin's chair, leading to one of the biggest ironies of the show.
-->'''Frasier:''' You can't find that [chair for sale anywhere], Dad -- it doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them [[OldShame to admit they made it]], I had them reweave it!\\
'''Daphne:''' It must have cost a fortune!\\
'''Frasier:''' Yes -- ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment!

[[AC:910: Junior Agent]]
* Frasier, feeling Bebe is dumping him for the newest hot commodity and pawning him off on a ditzy underling, gives a tender speech about how this means they must part ways, concluding with:
-->'''Frasier:''' And screw, may I add, '''YOU!'''
* Then it turns out that underneath that ditziness, Bebe's choice of underling is almost as much of a shark as she is, and she successfully talks Kenny into listening to her. [[ItMakesSenseInContext By stealing his pants.]]

[[AC:911: Bully for Martin]]
* An infatuated Roz turning everything around to her relationship with Roger, so that even the most artsy thing Niles can think of won't stop her. It gets to the point where he's totally willing to abandon Daphne rather than stay.
-->'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier, who's just sat down)'' Frasier, order your coffee and get out of here.\\
'''Frasier:''' What about Daphne?\\
'''Niles:''' ''(shakes head)'' Forget about Daphne, it's too late for her.

[[AC:912: Mother Load, Part 1]]
* During Frasier's feud with Cam Winston, one of his victories is getting Cam restricted from parking his SUV in the parking garage by arguing it pollutes.
-->'''Cam:''' Oh, get off your high horse. You do your fair share of polluting with that [[CompensatingForSomething substitute for masculinity]] you're driving. \\
'''Frasier:''' If mine's a substitute for masculinity then what is yours? \\
'''Cam:''' [[HypocrisyNod Bigger.]]\\
''(Martin laughs.)''\\
'''Frasier:''' That's ''not funny''!
* Frasier tries to get Daphne's mother and brother out of the apartment by praising the wonders of America with an inspirational speech (while in a feud with the apartment above):
-->'''Frasier:''' This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild, untamed rivers and a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States -- this ''America''! (''[[FlagDrop enormous American flag]] unrolls over the windows directly behind him'')\\
'''Niles:''' How did you do that?
* Followed by Frasier's epic "CAM WINSTOOON!"

[[AC:914: Juvenilia]]
* Frasier, with a little help from Kirby of all people, managing to eviscerate the smug little twerps of Teen Scene after they've spent the entire time tearing him a new one.

[[AC:915: The Proposal]]
* There's an absolutely hysterical FunnyBackgroundEvent at the end of the episode. Daphne has just accepted Niles' proposal after Frasier has surreptitiously ushered out the musicians, waiters and angels who he and Niles had hired to make it memorable. A man with a trumpet walks out of the bedroom upstairs, about to play a fanfare as Daphne and Niles embrace... And Frasier tackles him back into the room.

[[AC:916: Wheels of Fortune]]
* This part is pretty self-explanatory:
-->'''Blaine''': Now now, he has every right to be up here. He ''is'' one of God's creatures.\\
'''Frasier''' ''(defensively)'': '''I am no such thing!'''

[[AC:918: War of the Words]]
* Niles' encouragement for Freddie at the end: [[SeriousBusiness "SPELL HIS ASS OFF!!!"]] The entire episode plays up "The Bee" for maximum melodrama as though it's a Samurai Code or something. Especially the "legend" of Niles Crane.
-->'''Martin:''' Choked... or was it an ''elaborate conspiracy''?\\
'''Freddie:''' What?\\
'''Martin:''' ''(looking over the back of his chair)'' Oh, thought I heard him coming. Nah, he choked.

[[AC:919: Deathtrap]]
* Frasier and Niles stumble upon a disembodied skull. [[LargeHam Their dramatic reactions are definitely something to behold]]--and the camera work brings it UpToEleven. The funniest part is that the audience already knows it's a fake skull from a previous scene in {{Flashback}} showing young Frasier and Niles talking about getting it for their play, then losing it.
-->'''Niles:''' So...perhaps the poor fellow...met his end in some--some sort of...violent ''accident''!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''Violent'', yes... ''(looks up at Niles)''...but an accident...?\\
'''Niles:''' ''(MAJOR pull to close-up; long pause; eyes bulge)'' MURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDER!!!\\
'''Frasier:''' MURDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR MOST '''FOUUUUUUUUUUUUUL'''!!!

[[AC:920: The Love You Fake]]

[[AC:921: Cheerful Goodbyes]]
* As the episode opens, Frasier re-assures [[Music/RufusWainwright Jeremy]], a teenage caller, that problems that seem big now may have a positive impact on who he is in later life, and cites a young man he knew who wet the bed until he was 12, "Or was it 13? Boy, you'd think I'd remember, I slept in the lower bunk," for whom the experience allowed him to develop the empathy that is critical to his professional work as a psychiatrist. The now grown young man doesn't take this revelation lightly when he joins Frasier on a trip to a conference in Boston:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[as he, Niles, Daphne, and Martin head through the arrivals area at Logan Airport]'' Oh, I love returning to Boston, there's just something in the air!\\
'''Niles:''' ''[every word dripping with TranquilFury]'' Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[fishes his checked bag tag out of his carry-on bag]'' Oh, Niles, will you just let it go? I didn't mention your name.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, no, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist. I'd say that narrows the field down to, ''[pretends to think]'' hmm - '''me.'''\\
'''Frasier:''' But only to someone who knows you're my brother! And who would that be?\\
'''Niles:''' My patients!\\
'''Martin:''' The guys at work.\\
'''Daphne:''' One of the flight attendants.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[looks at Daphne, then rolls his eyes]'' Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink.
* Phil (played by Phil Perlman, Rhea's father) stands up to offer a toast.
-->'''Phil:''' I just wanna thank you Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers.\\
'''Cliff:''' You were always there for me, Al.\\
'''Phil:''' I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch![[note]] A reference to Al Rosen, who played a barfly in the early series of ''Series/{{Cheers}}'' before his death in 1990 - fourteen years, indeed, before this episode was recorded.[[/note]]
* Frasier, Daphne, and Martin are all enjoying themselves at Cliff's farewell party - Frasier because of the attention he is receiving as a minor celebrity, Daphne because she actually believes Cliff's nonsensical "fascinating facts", and Martin because he has found a kindred soul in Norm. Niles, however...
-->'''Carla:''' Hey! White bread! ''[sits in one of the empty seats at Niles' table]'' What could possibly be wrong on this most wonderful of nights?\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, uh... no offence, it's just that we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this... ''[reads the label on the bottle in the middle of the table; horrified]'' Oh dear God, it's just labelled "Wine"!\\
'''Carla:''' ''[grins and taps Norm, who is sitting behind her]'' Hey Norm, doesn't he remind you of Frasier? ''[leans toward Niles]'' Say "indubitably".\\
'''Niles:''' ''[put upon]'' Must I?\\
'''Norm:''' ''[as he and Carla laugh]'' It's uncanny!
* Carla's [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech epic put down]] of Cliff, in which she vents about the last 20 years of knowing him.
-->'''Carla:''' I sure do. Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but being here tonight, makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life. I'd like to say that I'll miss you... I'd like to say that I'll miss you...\\
'''Frasier:''' It's okay, Carla.\\
'''Carla:''' I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your '''''rotten deviled eggs'''''! ''(increasingly loud and angry)'' I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...\\
'''Frasier:''' Carla!\\
'''Carla:''' ''(to Frasier)'' '''''Back off, I'm toasting!''''' ''(to Cliff)'' The twenty years I've known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with, with a bunch of diseased rats. But finally, you're leaving! I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again. ''I can live again! '''Finally, I can live! I can live!'''''
* And even funnier: Cliff then decides that he can't leave friends who can joke around like that.
-->'''Carla''': I wasn't joking! I really hate you! [[RapidFireNo No! No! No!]]

[[AC:922: Frasier Has Spokane]]
* The KQZY station manager tries to distract the press during a disastrous press conference announcing Frasier's replacing of a Spokane radio legend.
-->'''Herm Evans''': [[INeedAFreakingDrink Hey, what's this over here? Free liquor?!?]]

[[AC:924: Moons Over Seattle]]
* It seems Martin's job as a security guard has hit a bump in the road:
-->'''Frasier''': Hey Dad, how was work?\\
'''Martin''': Oh, great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.\\
'''Frasier''': So who was it?\\
'''Martin''': Senior Vice-President Butz. I'm on probation for a week.
* Frasier tries to clear the air after sleeping with Roz.
-->'''Frasier:''' I seem to recall the word 'stallion-like'!\\
'''Roz:''' I never said stallion.\\
'''Frasier:''' Well, ''one'' of us did!
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 10]]
[[AC:1001: The Ring Cycle]]
* As the episode opens, Niles and Daphne have eloped to a casino chapel in Reno. As Niles is looking over the selection of rings (having accidentally left the ones they planned to use back in Seattle), Daphne's mobile rings; it's Roz, whose building is on the news ("some murder/suicide thing"). Roz tells Daphne to turn on the television so she can see her waving, so Daphne has to explain that she isn't in Seattle because she's marrying Niles in Reno. Cue the two of them {{Squee}}ing ecstatically while Niles' credit card is run by the wedding officiant:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[signing his credit card receipt]'' Apparently it's some sort of dolphin emergency.
* Martin mentions that he made his own lunch, and Frasier briefly assumes that Martin created some vile culinary concoction before finding out that Martin just packed a bunch of snacks. He's still miffed, though.
-->'''Frasier:''' Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.
-->'''Martin:''' What's wrong with that?
-->'''Frasier:''' A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one!
* When Niles and Daphne are holding a fake wedding after they eloped, Roz has the unfortunate task of driving Daphne's mother. Fortunately, she gets taken down. By Alice Doyle of all people.
-->'''Gertrude:''' In my day we never drove so recklessly, and do you know why?\\
'''Alice:''' (''completely sincerely'') Is it because you used to ride dinosaurs?\\
(''everyone stares at Alice in shock'')\\
'''Gertrude:''' (''to Roz'') You should talk to your daughter. (''walks off'')\\
'''Roz:''' (''to Alice, beaming'') When we get home you're getting ice cream.
* The group's hilariously awkward behavior when they spot Donny at the courthouse, from Frasier's panicked order for everyone to ''look at their shoes'' to his excuse for everyone but Daphne and Niles to leave the conversation.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[excitedly]'' Say, is that a drinking fountain over there!?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[just as excitedly]'' It sure looks like one! ''[he, Frasier, Roz, and Gertrude race toward said drinking fountain]''

[[AC:1002: Enemy at the Gate]]
* After a mishap concerning getting out of paying for a parking garage he didn't use, Frasier rushes back to KACL in time to finish his show. Unfortunately, Roz, in her attempts to fill in for him, unintentionally told everyone that she slept with Frasier. When asked about what happened during "the incident", an unknowing Frasier describes the ''parking garage'' incident instead.
-->'''Frasier:''' Well, it certainly wasn't my finest hour. I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. Fortunately, my brother was there to serve as moral support, and, let's face it, someone to talk to. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars.
-->'''Roz:''' ''(silently puts her head to the table in embarrassment)''

[[AC:1005: Tales from the Crypt]]
* The rehearsal for the "zombie" prank (especially Martin's sarcastic acting)--and the grand finale.
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(To one of the "zombie" actors)'' I ''am'' getting "dead" from you.... I am not getting "undead".
* Roz and Martin's objections to Frasier's prank:
-->'''Roz:''' Everything's gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog's gonna know something's up, 'cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night! And then look at all these cameras and all these wires, I mean, what if he spots these?\\
'''Martin:''' And the zombies, as soon as he sees them he's gonna know it's a prank, because he just pranked you! AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ZOMBIES!

[[AC:1006: Star Mitzvah]]
* This exchange showing off how fandoms can cross lines.
-->'''Frasier:''' Noel, ''Franchise/StarTrek'' is just a TV show.\\
'''Noel:''' ''(retorting)'' So was ''Literature/BridesheadRevisited''!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''([[TranquilFury through gritted teeth]])'' You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that.
* Frasier asks Noel Shempski to translate his blessing for Freddie's bar mitzvah into Hebrew, and promises to get Scott Bakula's autograph in return. When he fails to do so, Noel gets revenge by [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGZV6fsotYo translating the blessing into Klingon instead.]] Bonus points for the nerdy kid translating it to invoke "it sounds better InTheOriginalKlingon" trope verbatim.
* As part of the celebration, Martin digs out an old camera. Frasier and Niles hate it because it's loud, clunky, and the flash is blinding. Martin enjoys torturing the boys with the camera flash, but has only one problem with it:
-->'''Martin:''' Hasn't failed me yet! Oh, well except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.\\
'''Frasier:''' That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
* Later, Martin has the camera set up on a tripod, while Daphne learns for the first time of Niles' drunken one-night stand with Lilith as seen in "Room Service" and asks if there are any other ex-girlfriends he hasn't told her about. To Niles' horror and Daphne's outrage, Frasier carelessly mentions another woman that he claims he "wouldn't count", and as the conversation turns ever more awkward, he casually makes his way over to the camera, trips it, and uses the distraction by the flash to make his escape. The loudest one to cry out from the flash? ''Martin''.
* Frasier apologizes to Noel by sending him Joan Collins' wig from "[[Recap/StarTrekS1E28TheCityOnTheEdgeOfForever The City on the Edge of Forever]]". Noel has a {{Nerdgasm}} ("I bet it still has some of her DNA on it!"), but Roz doesn't get it, saying, "A ''wig''? That's cruel, even for Frasier!"
* After Frasier and Lilith embarrass themselves (Lilith by bursting into tears and asking Freddie not grow up), the Rabbi comes up to them after the ceremony and tells them they must be very proud...of Freddie, not themselves.
* In TheStinger, we see the pictures from Martin's camera, post-development. The first few are re-creations of the pictures Martin (and Frasier) took over the course of the episode, but the last two are of Frasier lunging toward the camera, berserk with fury.

[[AC:1007: Bristle While You Work]]
* Frasier is interviewing for a new housekeeper now that Daphne is moved out. A RunningGag is how he tells the prospective employees something and then finishes the sentence negatively after they leave:
--> '''Frasier''': Thank you for coming, Mrs. Wilkins. Of course, we have several other of candidates to interview, but we'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... ''(closes door)'' Of ''never''!\\
''[later, after Trish's interview]''\\
'''Frasier''': I'll be sure to call you the 2nd... ''(closes door)'' I lose my mind!
** Martin does it himself towards the end of the episode when they fire Trish:
---> '''Trish''': Okay, but you still owe me for the days I was supposed to be here last week.\\
'''Martin''': Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the 1st... ''(closes door)'' ...Asteroid hits the Earth!
** Martin reveals to Daphne that Frasier was unsure of hiring Daphne at first because he thought she'd steal. Naturally, she's offended.
---> '''Daphne''': Did I look like a thief? Was it me shifty eyes?

[[AC:1010: We Two Kings]]
* When Niles and Frasier are arguing over where to have Christmas:
-->'''Frasier:''' But I've had new stockings loomed, and there see, you made me spoil the surprise! And did no one hear me say that I have ordered an ''[[LargeHam Hungarian goose]]''?!\\
'''Niles:''' Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.\\
'''Frasier:''' It's not my date - it's dinner!
* Later in the episode:
-->'''Frasier:''' ''(to Niles)'' [[UsefulNotes/NicolausCopernicus Copernicus]] called - you are not the center of the universe!

[[AC:1012: The Harassed]]
* Julia and Frasier get into an intense name-calling argument. Suddenly, Frasier asks, [[SlapSlapKiss "Are you as turned on as I am?"]] Rather than the typical reaction (see other episodes in the series), Julia is repelled and this kicks off the station putting on a harassment seminar so she doesn't sue.
* Bulldog arrives at the harassment seminar. The facilitator asks him to take a packet but he tells him, "Got an old one."
--> '''Bulldog''': [[IgnoredAesop By the way, the chick at the coffee table's got her high beams on.]]
* The fact that the seminar is being hosted by a company called "Harassment Solutions".
* Gil has a great bit, an epic HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday moment.
-->'''Gil:''' From the bottom of my heart, I apologise for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed, and... you know who you are...\\
''(A male and female co-worker look at each other confusedly)''\\
'''Gil:''' ...all I can say and it's a poor defense is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my time.\\
'''Van Andrews:''' ''(running the harassment seminar)'' Thank you, Gil.\\
'''Gil:''' But know this, Gil isn't about to stop loving the ladies.\\
'''Van:''' Ah, Thank you, Gil. I think they like to be called women now.\\
'''Gil:''' Ha. Do they ever.

[[AC:1013: Lilith Needs a Favor]]
* The title refers to Lilith wanting Frasier to "donate" so they can have another child. When Lilith arrives earlier than expected, Martin immediately proves his comment to Frasier that he can't come up with a good excuse on the fly by coming up with a classic INeedToGoIronMyDog excuse just to get away from her:
-->'''Martin:''' I have to go... practice... my signature.
* While Frasier reflects on the situation, Martin absently goes off on a tangent about how Lilith has "seen what the Crane genes can do"...[[ComicallyMissingThePoint which leads to him speculating that if Frasier turns Lilith down, she'll go to Niles]]--who would in turn her down...[[InsaneTrollLogic which would lead to...]]
-->'''Martin:''' She'll go straight to the ''source''...! ''([[OhCrap Look of horror]])'' ...''Me''...! The ''fountainhead''...!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(Long pause)'' [[FlatWhat What?]]
* Martin ''then'' goes on a tangent about the complications in family dynamics ''that'' would cause:
-->'''Martin:''' Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles '''''and''''' Freddie... And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father '''''and''''' his brother and Niles would be your son '''and ''his own uncle!''''' It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story!
* The prolonged sequence when Frasier is [[ADateWithRosiePalms in the private room in the sperm clinic]]--and Lilith keeps knocking on the door to give him ''pointers''--leading to an epic--
-->'''Frasier:''' IF THERE IS ''ONE THING'' THAT I CAN DO '''BY MYSELF'''...!

[[AC:1014: Daphne Does Dinner]]
* Daphne, now a member of the Crane family, shows she's really a member by throwing a dinner party. You can see where we're going here...
** The episode opens as yet another Frasier-and-Niles-hosted dinner party reaches a messy, premature, and hilarious end. As Daphne sits at the dining table with her chin in her hand and an "I knew this would happen" expression on her face, the guests storm out ''en masse'', one female guest slaps Frasier and says she bets he doesn't even have Tourette's Syndrome ([[HollywoodTourettes he tries shouting a few PG-rated oaths]] after her, to no avail), Niles stamps out another guest's toupee after it was ignited by flaming kabobs (Niles' own idea), the enraged caterer hands Frasier two lobsters and tells him to lose his phone number, and Martin appears from the bedroom wearing a sash and speaking Italian until his sons tell him he no longer needs to pretend to be "the Count". The rotten cherry on the melted sundae is a goat - one of several, apparently - throwing up in the kitchen.
** Daphne tells Niles that his track record for throwing parties with Frasier is a disaster, so Niles excludes a very indignant Frasier from the preparation process. The party is intended to celebrate a painting by artist Mike Shaw (who has been invited but declined) that Niles is donating to an art gallery. However, as Roz prepares to leave after helping set things up, she and Daphne discover that Roz' daughter Alice has written her name in crayon on the Shaw painting, and Daphne sends Roz and the painting to an art restorer while replacing the painting with one of Alice's drawings and covering it with a cloth. She then has to spend the rest of the evening defending it from one guest's attempts to get a peek.
--->'''Daphne:''' You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
** While she is distracted, the Cornish hens in the oven catch fire, and the caterers have closed for the day, necessitating an emergency call to Frasier...
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[hanging up the phone]'' As usual, Frasier has to save the day.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[not looking up from scratching the back of Eddie's neck]'' As usual, Martin has to hear about it.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[taking a pan of Cornish hens out of the oven and pulling a sheet of foil off a roll]'' Suit up, boys! We're goin' in!
** The argument between Frasier and Niles means that Frasier's presence in the kitchen must be kept secret from Niles (resulting in Daphne physically ejecting Niles from the kitchen as the evening wears on); meanwhile, an unenthusiastic Shaw arrives, having been persuaded to attend after all by his gallery, but only meets a couple of guests before joining Daphne's mother to watch a pay-per-view boxing match upstairs. Said guests have to leave early and describe Shaw to Niles as a plain-spoken older man dressed in a plaid shirt and using a cane, a description Niles notices matches Martin - who has just arrived with a set of ramekins at Frasier's request. Unaware of Shaw's presence, Niles assumes that Martin has been mistaken for the artist and tries to usher him out, but the other guests begin engaging him in conversation, and soon he is launching himself enthusiastically into the role by verbally tearing into every piece of art Niles owns, with the guests hanging on his every word. (As the real Shaw didn't want to attend due to his contempt for pretentious "art connoisseurs", he likely would have done something similar...)
** Frasier's presence and the painting's absence finally collide when Niles, who has known Frasier was in the kitchen for a while, struggles with him and ends up getting coated in his signature Cornish hen sauce. Martin grabs the nearest cloth so that Niles can clean himself off... and it's the cloth covering Alice's crayon drawing. Daphne almost smooths things over... until the fact that she ordered the installers of Niles' new chandelier to stay on and end up performing a rush job comes back to bite her, as the chandelier brings down the whole living room ceiling - and her mother's bed, with Mike Shaw and Mrs. Moon snuggling under a pile of coats.
--->'''Frasier:''' ''[putting his arm around Daphne]'' Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane. ''[Daphne bursts into tears]''
** In TheStinger, Niles walks into the still ruined living room on his way to work and shouts up through the hole in the ceiling for his briefcase.

[[AC:1015: Trophy Girlfriend]]
* Frasier dating a gym teacher is pure comedy gold, especially after he visits her class and she turns into [[Creator/BobHoskins his old gym teacher from school]]. Cue a LOT of {{Squick}} until Frasier manages to work it out....

[[AC:1016: Fraternal Schwinns]]
* Frasier and Niles pretending to know about bikes.
-->'''Niles:''' Call me crazy but I ''like'' a bouncy tire.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''Two'' bouncy tires, and a ''taut'' chain. ...That's good ridin'.

[[AC:1018: Roe to Perdition]]
* In the episode's B plot, Martin gets $60 from an ATM instead of the $20 he wanted to get, and is content to simply sit back with his free $40 until Daphne pressures him to return it, whereupon the other characters lampshade the classic device of Daphne telling a story about her crazy family. The best part is Martin's attempted interruption and Niles' quashing thereof:
-->'''Daphne:''' Just call them and tell them what happened.\\
'''Martin:''' Why should I?\\
'''Daphne:''' Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.\\
''[Frasier, Niles, and Martin exchange eye rolls, each clearly trying to persuade one of the other two to take the bait. Eventually...]''\\
'''Niles:''' ''[with an "Oh, ''fine'' then" tone to his voice]'' What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth?\\
'''Daphne:''' Well, like any child, the first time that he had a tooth fall out, he put it under his pillow at bedtime, and sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.\\
'''Martin:''' ''[''utterly'' deadpan, raising his hand]'' Question.\\
'''Niles:''' No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, darling. ''[Martin scowls and lowers his hand]''\\
'''Daphne:''' Well, instead of being grateful, he got ''greedy'' and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth. ''[Martin is sickened]'' Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.\\
''[Martin looks confused, and gestures toward Frasier as if to say "And the point of this story is...?"]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[attempting to help]'' Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out?\\
'''Daphne:''' No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest. Now that's an interesting story. ''[Martin {{Facepalm}}s]'' We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time-\\
'''Martin:''' All ''right'', all right, I'll call the bank!
* Martin's attempts to call the bank's toll-free customer service line serve up a hilarious example of ForInconveniencePressOne. Inevitably, he struggles with the voice-activated menu, and Frasier's attempts to help do just the opposite...
-->'''Martin:''' ''[into phone, angrily]'' PER-SON-AL!\\
'''Niles:''' What'cha doing, Dad?\\
'''Martin:''' Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's, it's like a maze!\\
'''Frasier:''' All right, give it here. ''[taking the phone from Martin]'' You just push 0, and you'll get an operator. ''[presses the 0 button]'' Little trick I learned. ''[listens]'' Another menu. Hm. Sometimes it's a star. ''[presses the star button; listens]'' All right, maybe 1 will get me back to a main menu. ''[presses the 1 button; listens]'' Ah. Here you go. ''[hands Martin the phone]''\\
'''Martin:''' Got me to the right department?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small business loan. ''[Martin throws his arms up in frustration]''
* So Martin and Daphne go to the bank in person to straighten things out, but the tellers think ''they'' owe ''Martin'' $40, and the branch manager to whom he needs to speak to give back the now $80 the bank has given him erroneously is out of town. The manager who tells him this does offer an alternative, and picks up the phone and dials...
-->'''Manager:''' ''[listens, then enunciates]'' Per-son-al. ''[Martin sinks into a chair in despair]''
* To Martin's shock, he gets a postcard several days letter revealing that the bank has misunderstood his request ''again'' and credited him another $80, so he goes back. Daphne has parked the car in a loading zone after dropping Martin off, but Martin, having already received one parking ticket on his visits to the bank, tells her to pull around to the front, saying he shouldn't be long, and Eddie might be panicking. A security guard overhears this conversation, and when Martin advances to the desk and testily orders the teller to listen to him and do exactly what he says before reaching into his jacket, the security guard jumps to what seems like the obvious conclusion and draws a gun on him. Cut to later, and the bank president tells Martin that they are offering him $10,000 not to press charges, plus the $40 from the original mistake. Martin gives up trying to clear up the misunderstanding and accepts the settlement.
-->'''Bank President:''' That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?\\
'''Daphne:''' Could I open an account?

[[AC:1020: Farewell, Nervosa]]
* '''Frasier:''' "I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee."
* The entire conversation about coffee sizes that follows from this, with Frasier converting between the various coffee shops to find the right size comparable to Cafe Nervosa's.

[[AC:1021: The Devil and Dr. Phil]]
* Bebe is trying to get Frasier back...and back into ''bed''. Niles has ''the'' most perfect remark on this, a CallBack to "Agents In America III":
-->'''Niles:''' I have it: Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
* The jokes about Bebe's questionable humanity reach a crescendo when Frasier meets her at her hotel room, and Bebe tries to seduce him, while ominous chanting is going on, the room's lit up with a red light, and she's surrounded by steam, and offering Frasier what he's always wanted. Frasier is almost tempted... then flees the room, panicking further when he sees her room number is (naturally) 666.

[[AC:1022: Fathers and Sons]]
* Eddie hopping on the couch and putting his arm on Dr. Leland while staring at him. When Frasier sits down on the other side of the couch, they both sip their sherry and cross their legs in unison. A helplessly confused Eddie stares alternatingly at each man.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Season 11]]
[[AC:1101: No Sex Please, We're Skittish]]
* Niles and Daphne avert the LawOfInverseFertility. It started with her mistaking a pregnancy test for an ovulation test, then they put two and two together...
-->'''Niles:''' But, my slow sperm...\\
'''Daphne:''' I must have fast eggs.

[[AC:1102: A Man, a Plan and a Gal: Julia]]
* Having decided that he suffers from a case of MinorFlawMajorBreakup when it comes to his girlfriends and trying to break the pattern, Frasier tries desperately to pretend that he's perfectly happy with his unpleasant, rude new girlfriend Julia Wilcox. The pretence gets gradually more and more strained:
-->'''Frasier:''' Isn't this fun? [[BlatantLies I'm having a good time.]]\\
'''Daphne:''' She certainly takes a lot of calls at dinnertime.\\
'''Frasier:''' You know, that's exactly the kind of...flaw that the old Frasier would have...seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that... that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like... ''[despite his best efforts, his real feelings begin to break through:]'' '''''"How rude!"''''' ... or '''''"She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake!"''''' ''[Forced smile returns]''
* Later, Julia is playing Pictionary with the Cranes and Daphne. Frasier makes a bad drawing, which causes Julia to make snide comments on all of them before choking on something. When Frasier finally notices, he excuses her to the bathroom. The following conversation ensues...
--> '''Frasier:''' You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for each other! You may as well ask me to describe the essence of music, or the... the color of starlight!\\
[Julia emerges from the bathroom.]\\
'''Julia:''' Nice towels, Frasier. You'd think a couple of old ladies lived here.\\
'''Frasier:''' [[TranquilFury Get out!]]\\
'''Julia:''' [disbelieving] Excuse me?\\
'''Frasier:''' [[SuddenlyShouting I said "get out"!]]\\
'''Julia:''' I'm sorry; have you lost your mind!?\\
'''Frasier:''' No, that happened earlier when we ''slept together''!\\
'''Julia:''' Are you breaking up with me!?\\
'''Frasier:''' You're damn right I am!\\
'''Julia:''' I want my purse!\\
'''Frasier:''' And I... ''my handtowel!''

[[AC:1103: The Doctor is Out]]
* Niles and Frasier assume Roz's new boyfriend Barry -- a buff, lisping guy whose job is a buyer -- is gay. Martin refutes it.
-->'''Martin:''' That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? '''The muscles'''.\\
'''Niles:''' [[SarcasmMode Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.]]
* When Roz and her boyfriend leave:
-->'''Roz:''' ''(to Barry)'' What, no biscotti for you?\\
'''Barry:''' Please — I'm a house.\\
''(Frasier and Niles mouth at each other, "So gay!")''
* Later in the episode, Roz settles the idea Barry is gay with Frasier.
-->'''Roz:''' Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night?\\
'''Frasier:''' What?\\
'''Roz:''' '''ME, THAT'S WHAT!'''
* Niles chooses the worst possible moment to shout above the music in a gay bar:
-->'''Niles:''' (''to Frasier, just as the loud music cuts out'') [[SevenMinuteLull WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE ME HOME!?]]
* When the techno blares out in full force, Frasier starts ''bobbing to the beat''.
* Creator/PatrickStewart as Alistair giving a nice twist on the {{Gaydar}} trope--in that his character is ''himself'' gay. His reaction to Niles being married to Daphne:
-->'''Alistair''': ''No''.\\
'''Niles''': Oh, we're expecting!\\
'''Alistair''': Can't say ''I'' was...!
* Frasier keeps insisting that Alistair thinks that he knows Frasier isn't gay and is just being a good friend. Niles snarks back the perfect line:
-->'''Niles:''' He thinks ''I'm'' gay and I'm ''standing next to my pregnant wife''!
* The jokes about Alistair mistaking Niles for gay get even funnier if you know that David Hyde Pierce ''is'', in fact, gay.
* Then you have Alistair inviting Frasier to a party and to watch an opera rehearsal. Niles has stood up and is pining to be taken, too.
-->'''Frasier:''' I would love that. Let me just grab my coffee. Good-bye, Dad. ''(mocking)'' Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' ''(jealous)'' Did you ''see'' that? I would ''kill'' to go to that party. ''(pouts)'' I was at that gay bar too, you know.\\
'''Martin:''' ''(annoyed)'' Let's see: one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. [[SarcasmMode Yep, life is good.]]
* Daphne says she fantasizes about being a buddy of Peter O'Toole. When everyone is invited to Alistair's party:
-->'''Daphne:''' Will Creator/PeterOToole be there?\\
'''Alistair:''' [[NoodleIncident No - and he knows why!]]
* Frasier and Alistair are tangoing, very closely, as Frasier tries to "break up" with him.
-->'''Alistair:''' I want to thank you for waiting.\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(nervous)'' Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.\\
'''Alistair:''' ''(hungrily)'' Oh, me ''too''! How it sharpens the appetite. ''(holds Frasier closer)'' How it builds! The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!\\
'''Frasier:''' ''(horrified)'' [[RagingStiffie Oh yes, there it is!]]
* Followed by this:
-->'''Glinka:''' Don't they make a stunning couple?\\
'''Niles:''' ''(barely bursting from laughing)'' I'm more stunned by them each day.
* The episode ends on Frasier "breaking up" with Alistair, with this corker of an exchange.
-->'''Alistair:''' Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.\\
'''Frasier:''' Of course.\\
'''Alistair:''' It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.\\
'''Servant:''' It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?\\
'''Alistair:''' Absolutely.\\
'''Frasier:''' I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.\\
'''Alistair:''' ''(smiling)'' Then you'll fit right in.\\
''(Frasier's smile freezes as the implications dawn on him.)''

[[AC:1107: Maris Returns]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI8dJFW4kaA#t=3m20s This scene]] from Frasier's return to private practice.

[[AC:1108: Murder Most Maris]]
* Frasier (in a horrified-sounding voice) milking the fact that he was "recently--PUNCHED in the face...''by a man now dead''!" to distract from an argument is pretty funny. The fact that it ''works'' is even funnier. That he does it ''twice more'' through the episode and it works ''every single time''? Crowning Moment.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGGRNR4RTio The last straw.]]
-->'''Frasier:''' Niles, look at yourself.\\
''(Niles glances down at his naked self.)''\\
'''Niles:''' Hello! ''(to Frasier)'' I think I'm having that dream where I'm naked at Nervosa!\\
'''Frasier:''' I think a lot of people are having that dream.

[[AC:1111: High Holidays]]
* Niles thinks he's high on a pot brownie (which was actually eaten by Martin instead) and is looking forward to the munchies. His idea of the munchies is pairing a Chilean seabass with an aggressive zinfandel. The funniest part is after Niles realizes he's FakeHigh and runs off, Frasier stares at the wine and mutters, "Madness!"
* Frasier tries to make his brother feel better about his inability to be a rebel.
-->'''Frasier:''' You're a good man, Niles. In a way, isn't that rebelling against rebellion?\\
'''Niles:''' ''(smiles sadly)'' Nice try.\\
'''Frasier:''' All right, look at it this way -— you did get our cop father stoned tonight.\\
'''Niles:''' ''(considers this, then grins cockily)'' I did, didn't I?
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXCFjwUp9L8&t=2m18s The "Come to Seattle" ad]], which features Frasier's voice coming out of Eddie's mouth. It freaks out a high Martin.
-->'''Frasier!Eddie:''' Anybody want to go for a walk? Then why not come to Seattle?\\
'''Martin:''' ''Sweet Mother!!!''

[[AC:1112: Frasier-Lite]]
* Frasier has trouble keeping his weight loss team on point:
-->'''Frasier''': Good team, good friends. ''(realizing his weight loss team is going to the birthday party to get cake)'' Good God! People, please, it's not worth it! It's sheet cake!
* Later, just before the final weigh-in:
-->'''Noel''': [[MeatOVision I see giant steaks with legs]].\\
'''Bulldog''': You're hallucinating. ''[[DopeSlap (slaps Noel)]]'' Just pull it together.\\
'''Kenny''': Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council dancers, they're on after us.\\
''([[TheDogBitesBack Noel slaps Bulldog right back]])''
* Niles and Martin are nursing an injured pigeon back to health. When Martin opens the pigeon's box to let the pigeon and Eddie become friends, Eddie wastes no time in grabbing the pigeon in his mouth and running out the door. This leads to an absolutely hysterical moment when Kenny wanders into the living room and, being desperately hungry, starts eating the birdseed Martin was feeding to the pigeon. Frasier passes by the half-eaten corpse of the pigeon in the hall before finding Kenny, who, in embarrassment from eating bird seed, covers his mouth, accidentally leading Frasier to believe that Kenny ''ate the pigeon out of hunger''.
* This leads to how Eddie helps the team lose their appetite.
-->'''Martin:''' ''(sighing)'' Stay out of the hallway. Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon, and now he's eating it again.

[[AC:1114: Freudian Sleep]]
* The way Martin allayed the other three characters' tension about their nightmares:
-->'''Martin:''' Blah blah blah. ''(To Daphne)'' Afraid you're going to lose your looks? Happens to everyone. ''(To Frasier)'' Afraid you're going to end up alone? You'll still have your family. ''(To Niles)'' Afraid you're going to be a bad father? [[SelfDeprecation Join the club]]. Now clam it up and go to sleep.\\
'''Niles:''' [[HypocriticalHumor I'm starting to regret inviting him up here]].
* Martin and Eddie's dreams in the episode. Of course, since Martin sang a rather catchy tune in his dream, this is equal parts Funny Moment and SugarWiki/AwesomeMusic.

[[AC:1115: Caught in the Act]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Roz:''' ''(on Frasier's brief marriage with Nanny G at a children's book store)'' [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?]]\\
'''Frasier:''' Oh, ''big'' hugs.\\
'''Roz:''' No kidding.\\
'''Frasier:''' We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.
* Then:
-->'''Frasier:''' If truth be told, it's been a while since I ''(covers Alice's ears)'' romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.\\
'''Roz:''' ''(rolling eyes)'' Next time you say something like that, cover ''my'' ears.
* A great line of RealitySubtext:
-->'''Nanny G:''' But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for ''twenty years''?
* This exchange when Frasier and Nannette start making out wildly.
-->'''Daphne:''' ''(aside)'' Isn't she the children's entertainer?\\
'''Martin:''' ''(aside)'' Yeah. Spongebob Hotpants.
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abAvfLw8ROo final scene]] was so hilarious the studio audience reportedly had to be ''muted''.

[[AC:1116: Boo!]]
* The moment when Frasier - tired of being the butt of Martin's practical jokes - retaliates by pretending to leave the apartment, dressing in a clown outfit, hiding in the bathroom and then leaping out with a meat cleaver in hand when Martin passes by...causing Martin to promptly collapse with a heart attack and have to be rushed to hospital. Followed by meeting the screaming coulrophobic patient who was the inspiration for the outfit.
* Frasier trying to find a silver lining leads to this classic Niles snark:
-->'''Frasier:''' You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this it and you'll thank me.\\
'''Niles:''' Oh, yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier Iike, "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."
* Frasier has a do's and don't's list of foods for Martin, with approved food having a little smiling heart picture next to it. Later, when Frasier notes Martin can't have sex for two weeks, Niles just can't resist.
-->'''Niles:''' What little picture is next to ''that'' one?
* Martin confesses to Ronee he suffered a heart attack. She's less than impressed.
-->'''Ronee:''' And that's it? No surgery, home the next day. That's a bee sting. ''({{beat}})'' Did they use the paddles?\\
'''Martin:''' No.\\
'''Ronee:''' Well, talk to me after they've used the paddles.\\
'''Martin:''' ''(mix of awe and shock)'' You had the ''paddles''?\\
'''Ronee:''' Let's just say I didn't have the best lipo guy.

[[AC:1117: Coots and Ladders]]
* The DramaticThunder sounding off at moments so ''perfect'', Frasier and Niles pull double-takes.
-->'''Frasier:''' Niles, I've committed a crime!\\
'''Niles:''' Don't tell me. You forgot to send the opera board a "thank you" note for the Christmas brickle.\\
'''Frasier:''' By God, man, it's a real crime! Punishable by law!\\
(''At this moment, a thunderclap and a flash of lightning.'')\\
'''Niles:''' By law?\\
'''Frasier:''' Of the United States of America!\\
(''Cue another thunder clap'')
* And the dramatizations of Niles's conjectures of exactly ''what'' Frasier's beating himself up about.
** When Frasier notes someone parking in his reserved space, and goes down to the car park with a hammer:
--->'''Niles:''' In an uncontrollable rage over the commandeering of your parking space, you took hammer to car! You are a vandal!\\
(''In an ImagineSpot, Frasier approaches a car... And angrily smashes in the windshield and hood with the hammer.'')
** When Frasier notes his loneliness after finding a newspaper full of potential prostitutes' phone numbers:
--->'''Niles:''' Don't tell me! In your desperation over being the only Crane man not to find love, you picked up that paper and did the unthinkable!\\
(''Cue another ImagineSpot; Frasier opens the door to a leather-clad hooker.'')
** Immediately afterward, Frasier gets fed up with Niles' jumping to conclusions:
--->'''Frasier:''' I did no such thing, you nit! (''beating him with the paper'') And I am telling this story!\\
'''Niles:''' Very slowly! I'm beginning to think you didn't do anything!

[[AC:1122: Crock Tales]]
* In the 2002 vignette, we get this gem of PurpleProse even by Niles' standards:
-->'''Niles''': Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights.\\
''(because of the way he pronounced it, though, Martin just has to ask)''\\
'''Martin''': Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"?
* Niles is so distracted by his euphoria over the consummation (several times over, apparently) of his relationship with Daphne that he has forgotten to bring Roz a birthday present, and hastily wraps the earthenware crock that features in each of this episode's vignettes. Frasier's "Yes, I know, don't say anything" gesture to Martin as Roz unwraps the gift is priceless.
-->'''Roz:''' ''[deadpan]'' It's a crock. With a chipped lid, ''[lifts lid]'' and a dead bee. Thank you, Niles.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[not really listening owing to the "come hither" look Daphne has been giving him]'' Glad you like it.
* The exchange by Daphne and Roz (who is in a dating dry spell) about Niles' prowess:
-->'''Daphne:''' ...and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go again!\\
'''Roz:''' Niles?!\\
'''Daphne:''' I couldn't catch me breath, it was like a marathon! I tell you, he's spoilt me for any other man.\\
'''Roz:''' ''(absolutely gobsmacked)'' ''Frasier's brother'' Niles?\\
'''Daphne:''' ''(giggling)'' And guess how he woke me up this morning?\\
'''Roz:''' Oh, ''shut up already!''
** Later, Niles and Daphne decide to run to her bedroom:
--->'''Niles:''' We'll be back very [[FreudianSlip quickie]].\\
'''Daphne:''' Quickly!\\
'''Niles:''' Quickly.
** Leading to this reaction:
--->'''Martin:''' You don't think they're gonna...?\\
'''Frasier:''' [[BrainBleach Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.]]\\
''(at that moment, the Cinco de Mayo fireworks explode over the skyline)''\\
'''Roz:''' Wow, he really ''is'' good.
* The 1999 vignette opens with Frasier in costume as Uncle Sam for the KACL 4th of July parade float, telling Martin to wear the remote headphones he bought him so that he doesn't have to hear the baseball games Martin watches. Martin insists that Frasier deliver this instruction in character...
-->'''Frasier:''' ''[handing Martin the headphones]'' Dad, I bought you these headphones so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports dribble! Please put them on!\\
'''Martin:''' All right, I will. But only if you say it.\\
''[Frasier is halfway to the kitchen; his shoulders sag in dismay, but he decides that if this is what it takes...]''\\
'''Frasier:''' ''[turns and [[UncleSamWantsYou points to Martin]] in imitation of the famous UsefulNotes/WorldWarI [[https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1d/Unclesamwantyou.jpg recruitment poster]]]'' I WANT '''YOU'''... to wear those headphones! ''[Martin laughs]''
* Daphne, [[ImpossiblyTackyClothes dressed in clashing polyester for an "ugly American" party with her English friends]], and Niles, asking if "Uncle Sam" didn't just hand him a mattress sale flier, are about to leave with Frasier when he notices the bunting on his balcony is askew, but as they go out to fix it, the door handle comes off in Daphne's hand, locking them outside. Martin can't hear them through his headphones, while when Roz arrives (in costume as Betsy Ross), she goes straight out onto the balcony to watch a Blue Angels fly-by and gets locked out as well. Neither Roz nor Frasier have their phones, so Niles begins digging in his blazer pockets. Just as he finds his phone, Daphne exclaims that the heat is too much and starts stripping off; as this vignette takes place while Niles was still pining for Daphne, he immediately replaces his phone in his pocket.
* In the 1996 vignette, set when Niles and Maris were still married, we get a vintage joke about her neurotic nature:
-->'''Niles:''' ''[entering from the corridor to Frasier's bedroom in a huff]'' Well. I finally got Maris calmed down. ''[picks up a glass of champagne from the bookshelf]'' I ''hope'' you're happy!\\
'''Frasier:''' All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?"\\
'''Niles:''' Yes - and now she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.
* Roz' arrival heralds both an explanation of how the crock entered Frasier's life and a nod to the Roz-Niles snark of the series' early years:
-->'''Martin:''' Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here! ''[lifts the lid off the crock]'' Oh... nobody opened it!\\
'''Frasier:''' Dear God, Dad, that's... ''three years'' old, throw it out!\\
'''Martin:''' No, it'll be fine! You sure you don't want any? ''[reads the label on the underside]'' The label says it's "famously spreadable"!\\
'''Niles:''' Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing?\\
'''Roz:''' ''[smiling thinly]'' What does yours say, Niles - "May cause drowsiness"!?

[[AC:1123: Goodnight Seattle, Part 1]]
* The Crane Event Planning Luck strikes one last time with Martin and Ronee's wedding, due to a combination of a heatwave, a truck crash, Eddie eating some pate, and Daphne's brothers being allowed near a cannon. And then Daphne goes into labor while taking Eddie to the vets to get the wedding rings out of his stomach.

[[AC:1124: Goodnight Seattle, Part II]]
* When Frasier replaces Martin's chair with a designer Eames chair, Martin gives this line:
-->'''Martin:''' Mmmm, well this is pretty comfortable. I would have been okay with this!\\
''(Frasier reacts with an indescribable expression, a mix of anger, shock, and WeCouldHaveAvoidedAllThis.)''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Other]]
* When ''Franchise/StarTrek'' celebrated its 30th anniversary in 1996, Creator/{{UPN}} aired ''Star Trek: 30 Years and Beyond'' to mark it. Part of it was a skit that showed Daphne, Niles, Martin and Roz (and, eventually, Eddie) as the ''Voyager'' bridge crew under the command of a ''very'' flustered Janeway - obviously, Frasier himself was absent because he had already been Captain Morgan Bateson over on ''TNG''. But even despite that, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qxD2eoh-W4 the sight is surreal and a barrelful of laughs]], with nods to most of the recurring sources of humour from the early series of ''Frasier'':
** The tone for the sketch is set by Janeway's log entry over an establishing shot of the ''Voyager'', noting that the ship and her crew are untested, but that she is sure they will eventually grow to work together efficiently and co-operatively... which is cut off by Martin saying "Are we gonna fly this thing or are you just gonna yak, yak, yak?" Fade up on the bridge; Martin, naturally, is sitting in his Barcalounger, drinking a can of Ballantine.
** Roz tells Janeway that Starfleet have ordered them to rendezvous with the ''Enterprise'' at Starbase 15; the captain orders the helm to set a course, but inevitably, Martin thinks he knows a short cut. Niles, who is apparently as fussy about his wardrobe as a Starfleet officer as he is as a psychiatrist, isn't so keen on the idea:
--->'''Niles:''' Ohhh no, we're not taking another one of your short cuts, the last one, we followed your advice, [[ShortCutsMakeLongDelays we went through a tear in the time-space continuum and wound up in ancient Pompeii.]]\\
'''Martin:''' Well, we escaped, didn't we?\\
'''Niles:''' Yes, and my brand new Romulan loafers were singed beyond recognition!
** Daphne interrupts to announce that there is an unidentified ship "approaching at ''bloody hell'' she's really moving!" Janeway orders Roz to hail the approaching ship, but Roz, who now ReallyGetsAround outer space rather than just Seattle, is too busy talking to a friend who is setting her up on a date with an Aldebarian - and confirms that Aldebarians are "the ones with four tongues".
--->'''Niles:''' Sounds like this Aldebarian is about to boldly go where so many men have gone before.\\
'''Roz:''' I heard that!
** Unfortunately, the transmission from the approaching vessel cannot get through. Martin, true to form, [[LuddWasRight blames it on overcomplicated modern technology]]; Janeway thinks he's letting his NostalgiaFilter cloud his judgement:
--->'''Martin:''' Well, that's the trouble with these modern starships. In my day, you had a simple communication system. Didn't have all these fancy flashing lights and dials, but it ''worked''.\\
'''Janeway:''' I know, I know. You just launched a tin can at the other ship and then pulled back until the string was taut.\\
'''Martin:''' But it ''worked''.
** Niles admits that the transmission problem is because when the ''Voyager'' was last in port, he had the technicians install a banality filter to block any messages that are "overly insipid or jejune". Janeway asks him to disengage the filter, but Niles doesn't know how - "[[HopelessWithTech I can't even get my phaser to stop flashing 12:00,]]" he explains sheepishly. Then Daphne offers a solution that takes a turn familiar to regular ''Frasier'' viewers:
--->'''Daphne:''' ''[raises her hand]'' Excuse me, Captain... members of my species are a bit telepathic. Perhaps I can use me powers to communicate with the alien vessel!\\
'''Janeway:''' Lieutenant. You're not from another planet. You're from England, aren't you?\\
'''Daphne:''' Shh! Quiet. I'm getting something. ''[Janeway and Niles lean in with interest]'' It's coming through strong now... they want to attack! No, no, no, no, it's not an attack, it's... it's more of a desire to embrace. No. Hold on... ''[shocked]'' Captain! I believe they want to breed with us! ''[Niles starts to look uncomfortable]'' Wait a minute... ''[turns toward Niles]'' This isn't coming from out there, it's coming from in-\\
'''Niles:''' ''[quickly]'' Well that was fun, wasn't it.
** Martin suggests firing a photon torpedo at the other ship, and when Janeway points out they might be a friendly ship, Martin says that's even better, as "they won't shoot back." Then Daphne says she's getting an energy source from a transporter beam - the ''Voyager'' is being boarded! Janeway goes to red alert, but Roz quickly shuts off the siren as it aggravates her HangoverSensitivity. The boarding party includes a fifth cast member of ''Frasier'':
--->'''Niles:''' Captain, I'm not sure I'm reading this instrument panel correctly, but either we have a malfunction in our left turn signal or there's an armed Klingon on board the turbolift!\\
''[the bridge door opens to reveal a Klingon with a weapon in one hand... and Eddie in the other]''\\
'''Janeway:''' Shall we assume it's the latter?\\
'''Klingon:''' ''[walks over to Martin]'' Does this belong to you?\\
'''Martin:''' ''[delighted]'' Hey, be careful with the dog! C'mere, boy... ''[takes Eddie from the Klingon and begins petting him]''\\
'''Klingon:''' We found him on the Klingon homeworld. He was digging up azalea bushes. ''And we've just re-landscaped!''\\
'''Martin:''' Whoo, sorry about that. ''[hands over a Federation credit]'' Will this take care of it?\\
'''Klingon:''' Well... yes. But next time it's intergalactic war! I vow we will destroy every molecule of the Federation!\\
'''Janeway:''' ''[nods]'' That seems reasonable.
** Janeway notes that incidents like this are why pets are not allowed on the ship.[[note]] A lesson even the ''Star Trek'' writers didn't take to heart when the plot thread of a Starfleet officer's pet dog causing a diplomatic incident by damaging local plant life re-surfaced in the much-derided ''Enterprise'' episode "A Night in Sickbay".[[/note]] Martin protests, saying that Roz was allowed a pet - a big hairy creature with horns and three eyes; Roz counters that said creature was a date, not a pet. Martin then insists that Eddie would never have escaped if "''someone'' hadn't left the shuttle bay door open," but Daphne refuses to take the blame... so Janeway, realising this crew will never function as a unit, responds the best way she knows how:
--->'''Janeway:''' Computer! Engage self-destruct sequence.\\
'''Niles, Roz, Daphne, Martin:''' What?\\
'''Computer:''' Self-destruct sequence engaged.\\
'''Niles:''' ''[stands up huffily and dusts down his chair with his handkerchief]'' Well, if ''that'' isn't acting out, I don't know what is...\\
'''Daphne:''' ''[to Martin]'' This is all your fault!...\\
''[Janeway just sits there with a self-satisfied smile as Daphne, Martin, Niles, and Roz get into a four-way argument with each other]''
[[/folder]]

* Martin's objections to Frasier's prank:
-->'''Martin:''' [Bulldog]'s gonna know it's prank because he already pranked you. AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ZOMBIES!

-->'''Frasier:''' "This land is rich with snow-covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild, untamed rivers and a warm, loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States -- this ''America''!" (''[[FlagDrop enormous American flag]] unrolls over the windows directly behind him'')\\

* During Frasier's feud with Cam Winston, one of his victories is getting Cam restricted from parking his SUV in the parking garage by arguing it pollutes.
-->'''Cam:''' Oh, get off your high horse. You do your fair share of polluting with that [[CompensatingForSomething substitute for masculinity]] you're driving. \\
'''Frasier:''' If mine's a substitute for masculinity then what is yours? \\
'''Cam:''' [[HypocrisyNod Bigger.]]\\
''(Martin laughs.)''\\
'''Frasier:''' That's ''not funny''!

'''Chuck:''' Tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!\\

-->'''Mel:''' Oh, hello, Eddie! ''[grabs him by the collar and turns him away from her grocery bag]'' Or should I say "goodbye".\\

'''Frasier:''' Now, now, may I remind you that we are having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her another chance.\\

'''Roz:''' ''[deciding discretion is the better part of valour]'' Ooh, I'm gonna go let Eddie in!\\

'''Frasier:''' ''[as Roz returns from the balcony behind him]'' Well, don't take that seriously, Niles, you know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.\\

* Later that day, Bebe Glaser stops by Frasier's apartment to get up him to date on the progress - or lack thereof - in his contract negotiations, and we get some brilliant snark between her and the regulars:

* As the two brothers talk, Martin reappears, carrying Daphne's purse, which she'd asked him to check, while still wearing the ugly lady glasses, prompting a very dry remark from Niles.
-->'''Martin:''' I can't find anything in this purse.\\
'''Niles:''' I'll apologize to [Bebe] if she turns him back into a man.

* On their final morning on ''AM Seattle'', Bebe shows Frasier his new KACL contract, but also tries to entice him with a long-term offer from ''AM Seattle''. Niles arrives in the middle of her "sales pitch" and finally persuades Frasier that his true calling is psychiatry, not entertainment. Having developed a taste for the spotlight herself, Bebe tries latching on to the nearest immediate male to sweet talk them into being her co-host:
-->'''Bebe:''' Then quit! Who needs ya? ''[puts on the poncho she is wearing for the show's "Friday Fiesta"]'' I'll find some other stuffed shirt who's happy to ride my coattails to fame. ''[grabs her sombrero, then inspiration strikes]'' Niles, you're a doctor!\\

-->'''Niles:''' One of my patients cancelled, so I thought I'd drop by and see you. ''(sighs)'' Oh my god, you have no idea how good it feels to say that. I'm here to see you! No more flimsy pretences, no more making tedious chit-chat with dad!\\
'''Martin:''' Hey, Niles, it's 82 degrees in Florida!\\

-->'''Martin:''' Why don't you tell me, and I'll figure out whether it's worth telling them?\\

** And once Frasier has stomped off, an outraged Martin asks the waiter why no-one told him they had steak.

-->'''Frasier:''' It's every woman I ever dated!

'''Martin:''' Hey, keep it down.\\
'''Kid:''' We were just playing.\\
'''Martin''': You know how Old Man Crane gets, especially on Halloween, or as he calls it, "harvest time".\\

--> '''Martin''': ''(to the kids)'' You know how Old Man Crane gets, especially on Halloween, or as he calls it, "harvest time".

--->'''Daphne:''' There was this one time with Granny Moon-\\

'''Martin:''' Are you trying to finish him off?!

* Niles, unsurprisingly, is disgusted at Frasier for accepting a morning TV job, telling him it's "the final step in [his] descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing bear." And, apparently, Frasier's desire for attention is nothing new:

[[AC:823: A Passing Fancy]]