History Funny / FerrisBuellersDayOff

-->'''Cameron:''' "When Cameron was in Egypt's land... '''Let my... Cameron... GO.'''"
-->''*jump cut to Ferris*''
-->'''Ferris:''' "Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond."

-->'''Simone:''' "Um, he's sick. [[KnowsAGuyWhoKnowsAGuy My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl]] who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."
-->'''Teacher:''' Thank you Simone.
-->'''Simone:''' No problem whatsoever.

--> '''Teacher''': In......... ''what''........... ''way''.......... does the author's use of the ''prison''...... ''symbolize''.....

--->*puts on very unconvincing "deep" voice* "Uu''aaawww'', uuuhhh, just a moment, ''uhhh''..."

-->'''Jeanie: (over the intercom)''' "Excuse me: if whoever was in the house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I've just called the police. So if you have any brains whatsoever, you'll get out of my house real quick."
-->'''[[{{Beat}} *brief pause*]]'''
-->'''Jeanie:''' "I'd also like to add that I've got my father's gun and ''[[TakeOurWordForIt a scorching]]'' [[BlatantLies case of herpes."]]

-->'''Ferris:''' Cameron, I'm sorry, but we can't pick up Sloane in your car. Mr. Rooney would never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit.
-->'''Cameron:''' It's not a piece of shit.
-->'''Ferris:''' It ''is'' a piece of shit. Don't worry about it, I don't even have a piece of shit; I have to envy yours.

--> '''Rooney''': So ''that's'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint how it is in their family]]...

-->I heard that you were feeling ill
-->Headache, fever, and a chill
-->I came to help restore your pluck
-->'Cause I'm the nurse who likes to--''([[CurseCutShort Jeannie slams the door]])''

--> '''Tom''': What's wrong?\\
'''Katie''': ''Everything''. I just picked up Jeanie from the police station. (...) She got a speeding ticket, ''another'' speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her.\\
'''Tom''': [[DeadpanSnarker I think we should shoot her.]]

--> '''Rooney''': What's the score?\\
'''Pizza joint owner''': Nothin' nothin'.\\
'''Rooney''': Who's winning?\\
'''Pizza joint owner''': [[{{Beat}} ...]][[AskAStupidQuestion The Bears]].

--> '''Grace''': Hello Jeannie, what's bothering you now?\\
'''Jeannie''': Is Mr. Rooney in?\\
'''Grace''': No, I'm sorry. He's not. May I help you?\\
'''Jeannie''': I seriously doubt it. When's he back?\\
'''Grace''': Well, I don't know. He's left the school grounds on personal business.\\
'''Jeannie''': What's ''that'' supposed to mean?!\\
'''Grace''': [[ShapedLikeItself Well, I believe that it's personal and it's none of your business, young lady.]]\\
'''Jeannie''': Nice attitude.\\
'''Grace''': Isn't Mrs. Hagel expecting you in Consumer Ed. class?\\
'''Jeannie''': Probably. (leaves)\\
'''Grace''': Mmm-mmm-mmm, what a little asshole.

--> (Rooney buzzes the Bueller's doorbell)\\
'''Bueller''': (through intercom, weakly) Who is it?\\
'''Rooney''': It's Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd like to have a word with you.\\
'''Bueller''': Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences.\\
'''Rooney''': Save it, Ferris. Come down here.\\
'''Bueller''': You can reach my parents at their places of business.\\
'''Rooney''': I'm not leaving until you come down here and talk to me.\\
'''Bueller''': Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being.\\
'''Rooney''': You're in big trouble, buster! Get ''down'' here.\\
'''Bueller''': Have a nice day.\\
'''Rooney''': Ferris! FERRIS!!! (bangs the door handle and tries the buzzer again)\\
'''Bueller''': Who is it?\\
'''Rooney''': You know ''God damn well'' who it is!\\
'''Bueller''': Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs- (a lightbulb in Rooney's head goes off and he realizes it's a recording)

--> '''CS''': Drugs?\\
'''Jeannie''': Thank you, no. I'm straight.\\
'''CS''': I ''meant'', are you in here for drugs?\\
'''Jeannie''': Why are ''you'' here?\\
'''CS''': Drugs.\\
'''Jeannie''': I don't know why I'm here.\\
'''CS''': Why don't you go home?\\
'''Jeannie''': Why don't you put your thumb up your butt?\\
'''CS''': You wear too much eye make-up. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore. You don't want to talk about it?\\
'''Jeannie''': With ''you''? Are you serious?\\
'''CS''': I'm serious.\\
'''Jeannie''': Blow yourself.\\
'''CS''': ''(glances down at his crotch)''\\
'''Jeannie''': All right, you want to know what's wrong?\\
'''CS''': I know what's wrong. I just want to hear you say it.\\
'''Jeannie''': In a nutshell, I hate my brother. How's that?\\
'''CS''': That's cool. What, did you blow him away or something?\\
'''Jeannie''': ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny chuckles]])'' No, not yet. He was ditching school. When I went home to check, some guy was there. The cops picked me up for making a phony call.\\
'''CS''': What do you care if your brother ditches school?\\
'''Jeannie''': Why should he get to ditch if everyone else has to go?\\
'''CS''': ''You'' could ditch.\\
'''Jeannie''': Yeah. I'd get caught.\\
'''CS''': You're pissed off because he ditches and doesn't get caught, is that it?\\
'''Jeannie''': Basically.\\
'''CS''': Then your problem is you.\\
'''Jeannie''': Excuse me?\\
'''CS''': Excuse ''you''. You oughta spend more time worrying about yourself, a little less time worrying about what your brother does. That's just an opinion.\\
'''Jeannie''': Mmm. What are you, a psychiatrist?\\
'''CS''': No.\\
'''Jeannie''': Then why don't you keep your opinions to yourself.\\

(''cut to shot of Jeannie clenching her fist so hard [[KnuckleCracking her knuckles crack]]'')

--->*puts on unconvincing "deep" voice* "Uu''aaawww'', uuuhhh, just a second, ''uhhh''..."

** (holding vase of flowers, heading towards Bueller's guard dog) "Look what Uncle Ed has for you, ya little fucker."

'''Rooney''': You're in big trouble, buster!\\

'''Rooney''': You know ''damn well'' who it is!\\