History Funny / EverybodyLovesRaymond

'''Ray''': Oh, yeah? ''[beat]'' [[WhatAnIdiot ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.]]\\

'''Frank''': It had something to do with a halter top. Halted ''you'' pretty good!\\
'''Ray''': Dad! (to Debra) You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. The next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.\\
'''Robert''': Reckless driving.\\
'''Debra''': So you just ride around looking for naked?\\
'''Ray''': Well, if it won't come to ''me''...

-->'''Debra''': Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun].\\
'''Ray''': ...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?

--->'''Marie''': I think that's it!\\
'''"Timmy"''': Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it.\\
'''Robert''': Isn't that everything, Timmy?\\
'''"Timmy:"''' Yeah, sure, that's everything. But how about ''making sure your first-born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!''

'''"Timmy:"''' Remember that? Big road trip, fun family vacation. Driving out to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?\\

--> '''Frank''' I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.\\

'''Debra:''' Well, I take exception to what ''you'' think, Marie! You think just because you were a good girl in the '50s that gives you the right to--\\

'''Ray:''' Woah, woah, ''had'' to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...\\
'''Robert:''' What? ''[realization kicks in]'' ...'''''[[AMistakeIsBorn Oh.]]'''''

--> '''Robert:''' Wait a second, it's nine months, right? You were married in September and my birthday's in June.\\

'''Robert:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, as long as it was]] ''[[SarcasmMode easy!]]''

* Earlier in the episode, Frank puts a nearly-empty juice carton back in the fridge, which Marie gets on his case about. Towards the end, Marie opens the fridge and finds ''another'' nearly-empty carton.

** Then Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie ''wasn't'' such a "good girl".

'''Robert''' What'd you do, Dad? I need that!\\

--> '''Ray''': Well, when you opened it, did it pop up?\\
'''Debra''': ''(snapping)'' I don't know! I am tired!\\
'''Ray''': I'm not drinking this, I'll wait and see what happens to you.

--> '''Frank''': That was booze.

--> '''Frank''': You're my wife! You sleep with me!\\
'''Marie''': You care where I sleep all of a sudden?\\
'''Frank''': I don't care! I just can't sleep without you!\\
'''Marie''': Frank, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. ''(goes to kiss him)''\\
'''Frank''': ''(still upset)'' Don't kiss me with that stuff!

--> '''Ray''': Did you say that you like Amy more than Debra?\\
'''Marie''': I am not... saying that.\\
'''Ray''': ...What??\\
'''Marie''': I am not saying... that I like Amy more than Debra.\\
'''Ray''': I ''know'' you're not saying that ''now'', but ''did'' you say it? ''Ever''?\\

'''Ray''': What if I told you that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?\\

'''Marie''': Give me the tape.\\
'''Ray''': There is no tape.\\
'''Marie''': Then you don't have any proof at all!
** After Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".
-->'''Marie''': Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... [[TakeThat that was a long time ago.]] I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?\\
'''Frank''': [[DeadpanSnarker I wanted sex.]]

--> '''Debra''': So it was just the once and then you got married?\\
'''Frank''': It was just the once and then [[ShotgunWedding we HAD to get married.]]\\
'''Marie''': FRANK, NO!\\
'''Ray''': Woah, woah, ''had'' to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...\\
'''Robert''': What? ''[beat]'' ...'''''Oh.'''''

--> '''Robert''': Wait a second, it's nine months, right? You were married in September and my birthday's in June.\\
'''Frank''': That's when we ''told'' you your birthday was.\\
'''Robert''': ...'''[[BigWhat WHAT?]]'''\\
'''Marie''': It was easier that way, Robbie.\\
'''Robert''': [[SarcasmMode Oh, as long as it was]] ''[[SarcasmMode easy!]]''
** And when Amy is wondering just ''why'' Marie is inquiring if she's a [[InsistentTerminology good girl]], Debra has this to say.
--> '''Debra''': You know, I can explain it: ''[[DontAskJustRun Run. Just run and keep running!]]''\\
'''Debra''': God, I keep forgetting what a freak show this family is until somebody new comes in and looks at us like ''that!''\\
''(Amy has an epic "WTF?" expression on her face)''\\
'''Debra''': I remember that look. That used to be me. ''Now I'm one of them.''

--> '''Bryan''': Will you look at that? Will you just look at that? Now, where's that child's parents?

'''"Timmy"''': Yeah, sure, that's everything. But how about ''making sure your first-born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!''
--->'''Ray''': ...Well, that's awfully specific. Is that in the binder?

--->'''Marie''': Robbie, that was 30 years ago!\\
'''Robert''': [[BlatantLies I don't have a problem with it.]]\\

'''Debra''': Uh, oh...\\
'''"Timmy"''': Remember that? Big road trip, fun family vacation. Driving out to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?\\
'''Frank''': How do you know? You weren't there!\\
'''Ray''': We got a real battle of wits going on here.

--> '''Frank''': I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.\\
'''"Timmy"''': Sit down, shiny.\\
'''Frank''': You want to start with me?\\
'''Ray''': Dad. ''Puppet''.

--> '''"Timmy"''': You're all right, cookie. Ha-cha-cha!!!

-->'''Ray''': ''(eyeing Timmy warily)'' [[NotSoAboveItAll ...What've you done with Robert?]]

--->'''Ray''': How about in school when Mom became cafeteria monitor to make sure I ate all my food, kept my sweater on, and ''sat with her''?\\
'''Robert''': That ''was'' bad. [...] How about when you'd walk to school, and Mom would follow you the whole way?\\
'''Ray''': She did?\\
'''Robert''': Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.\\
'''Ray''': Oh my god... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAMS!\\
'''Robert''': Nightmares?\\
'''Ray''': Yeah.\\
'''Robert''': How long did you have them?\\
'''Ray''': I just had one four days ago! [...] So... the jumping canoe guy is...\\
'''Robert''': Dad!

--->'''Frank''': Not so funny without his head, is he?!\\
'''Robert''': What'd you do, Dad? I need that!\\

'''Frank''': ''(EvilLaugh)''

!!The Bet

!!Someon's Cranky

--> '''Scott''': I'm glad you came by. We need your parents to move out.\\

'''Scott''': I assure you, they're the only ones. Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians. When our security guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them. One time he shouted, uh "Hit the monkey, win a cookie!" If this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it. But your father's overall demeanor is... sort of like a maniac. One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna. ''(mimes it)''\\

'''Debra''': ''(shocked)'' ...What?\\

'''Ray''': Wait a minute. You're kicking them out?\\

'''Ray''': Oh, boy.\\

'''Scott''': I'm sorry-\\

--->'''Ray''': ...Well that's awfully specific.

'''Frank''': How would you know? You weren't there!\\

* Any time Ray does [[ThrowItIn multiple variations of a scene.]] In "Robert's Date", for example, Ray makes up a new punchline every time he asks Robert where he got his new suit. Pretty much every one of them cracks up Brad Garrett.

* Any time Ray does [[ThrowItIn multiple variations of a scene.]] In "Robert's Date", for example, Ray makes up a new punchline every time Robert asks him where he got his new suit. Pretty much every one of them cracks up Brad Garrett.

* In one scene, Madilyn Sweeten accidentally calls Frank "grandma" and quickly corrects herself. Peter Boyle reiterates: "Grandpa."

* "Separation": In the regular episode, Ray comes into the bedroom wearing a mini-cowboy hat and a mustache. In the outtakes, Ray enters holding an unnamed woman staffer's hand, implying they're going to do a three-way. And in the next take, Ray enters holding Phil Rosenthal's hand. Phil gets into bed and beckons Ray to join but he declines.

** Brad Garrett gets him back in a later scene when Robert is shouting at Ray and Debra; Ray Romano remarks that he's getting spit on. Brad replies by merely [[FlippingTheBird flipping him off]].

'''Brad Garret''': ''(sultry)'' Put it on.\\

* "Home from School": Ray's telling Michael the story of how he wet his pants on the baseball field. He accidentally says "So, this... this [[BringMyBrownPants brown spot]] is gettin' bigger and bigger..." before realizing his mistake.

* Robert introduces himself at the modeling agency as [[AwesomeMccoolName "Bobby Barone"]]. The receptionist is confused- he meekly clarifies: "Robert Barone".
** Robert's interview with the modeling exec. At one point, Robert says that in addition to modeling, he can do [[ActorAllusion voice over work]]. At the end of the interview, the exec recommends Robert use one of the in-house guys to get his picture taken:

* When Debra and Ray are playing the erotic board game Sensuopoly, Debra's first square instructs her to kiss Ray as though he was about to go off to war; she starts to do so, only for Ray to get overexcited and try to skip straight to sex ("Hey, I'm going to war, I could be dead tomorrow"). Debra pushes him off and insists they continue the game; Ray takes his turn and gets a square that instructs him to tell Debra something about himself that she doesn't know. Ray's response? "I'm back from war!" ''(lunges at Debra)''

* Erica is able to tell the twins apart because one of them has freckles. Ray has an easier way:

'''Ray''': Really? You sure?\\

--> '''Robert''': I'm sure that was a comforting thought before she passed out: "Raymond's so smooth, like a hairless cat." ''(goes bug-eyed and pretends to pass out from choking)''

'''Ray''': You're still on the computer. It'll take a few months.\\

--> '''Marie''': Wo-hop, wait! Take some fruit! ''(runs out the door with fruit)''

--> '''Frank''': "I'm sure you don't even realize "when you're being overbearing, criticaI, and intrusive." Is this a petition? Where do I sign?

* When Debra and Ray are playing Sensuopoly, one of the squares instructs Ray to tell something about himself that Debra doesn't know. Ray's response? "I'm back from Everest!" ''(lunges at Debra)''

** Robert's purposefully botched wedding invitations are pretty epic: "Hank 'n' Pat [=MacDougall=] request the honor of your presents, on the 6th[[note]]the wedding's supposed to be on the 9th[[/note]], attire optional."

** Also funny is Robert's accidental slip that the botched invitations weren't all his idea:

'''Debra/Marie''': Yeah.\\

** When Debra first finds out about the purposefully-botched invitations, she's furious. Contrast to Ray, who just came home from work: "Hey, jelly cheeks!" Rather than chew him out right away, Debra puts on a happy poker face and gives Ray the invitations. When Ray is horrified to discover that the bad ones were actually sent out, he purposefully spills on the invitation, then lights it on fire, and dumps it down the garbage disposal. He then tells Debra: "Anyway, something smells gooooood! Mmmm, damn, woman!"
** Debra, on Ray only changing about ten diapers in his life:
--> '''Debra''': "I can't do it! The diapers keep falling off!"\\

** Frank comes over demanding dinner, and Marie tells him to make it himself.
--> '''Marie''': You pretend to be a stupid ass so I'll wait on you hand and foot. It's ''over''.\\

** When Robert and Peter come to blows:

** Pat [=McDougall=], on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:

** Also funny:

** Robert and Peter find common ground regarding living with their parents:

** Also Robert considered himself the "practice kid":

** When Robert agrees to let Peter spend the night at their place and then show him his old apartment the next day:

** Also at the end of the episode, Ray is playing Peter's harmonica. Debra casually asks, "Did you wash that off?" prompting Ray to literally ''lie down on the countertop'' sucking on the sink.

--> '''Frank''': I was, as you know, very skeptical. But then I got there, and I have to say... [[MetaphoricallyTrue it really paid off. And I owe it all to Marie's Mouth!]]

** When Frank instigates things by saying Ally should get paid for her housework, she tells Ally to go on strike until the demands are met. Marie says she'll do the housework for free. Frank asks her in a tough guy voice, "Yo, scab, you like your kneecaps?"

'''Ray''': You're the one who told me-