History Funny / DesperateHousewives

'''Penny''' (delighted whilst everyone else looks at her in utter horror) Isn't this great? I'm a kitten with a whip, (cracks it) MIAOW!

'''Penny''' (delighted whilst everyone else looks at her in utter horror) Isn't this great? I'm a kitten with a whip, MIAOW!

* In 'There's Always a Woman' Lynette thinks Tom has been cheating on her;

--->'''Lynette: HIS ENGLISH TEACHER!

'''Bree:'''(thinking quickly) Oh that's just my son Andrew trying on his Halloween costume
'''Bob:''' What's his costume?
'''Bree:''' (desperately) Cher?
'''Lee:''' (impressed) Then he's DEFINITELY coming!

'''Gaby:''' Well, you sort of are.

--->'''Gaby:''' My point is that Carlos is an angry, jealous Neanderthal. But he's not a gay-basher.

** While Carlos is out, Gaby changes the locks on him. He simply breaks in by throwing a chair through the window while Gaby casually picks up the phone to call the police.

** Katherine and Adam attend the party as UsefulNotes/MarieAntoinette and Frankenstein's monster. Lee pokes fun at how Katherine's costume seems appropriate in light of her losing her battle with them regarding the removal of their fountain.

''[Julie moves to hug Danielle]''\\

'''Carlos:'''' It's between him and me and my wife.\\

* Another hilarious Orson moment while he and Bree were staying at Susan's during some home renovation. Orson's guilt over [[spoiler:having run over Mike]] the previous season is causing him to sleepwalk...naked. Susan finds him doing so out in their front lawn...so she ''slaps'' him awake. Once he realizes what is happening, he bolts out... to ''the wrong house'', only to come back when Susan points it out.

* Carlos explaining to Juanita (his daughter) about what happened to Juanita (his mother). Little Juanita winds up thinking that Bree killed their grandmother. The Solis girl's subsequent reactions for the rest of the episode are hysterical, but special mention goes to Celia's expression when Juanita tells her 'Bree killed Grandma'.

-->'''Gaby:''' Ok, you know what Renee? I know this is your day, but it's only 10:00 and you're already a huge pain in the ass!\\

'''Danielle:''' Really Karen, I don't think our Lord is amused when we make light of witchcraft, and you might use a coaster. ''[leaves]''\\

--->'''Bree:''' ''[quietly]'' Oh, dear heavenly Lord...\\

'''Bree:''' ''[smiles]'' Danielle! We agreed to save that till the end of the night! ''[to Bob]'' The best part of the costume, and she pops the water balloon when people aren't even looking!

** Bree hurries back to the party and grabs Adam so he can assist them. Danielle's baby finally emerges from the womb just as the Scavo kids turn up at their door, leading them to think her screams of pain are a prerecorded set up to scare them off. They go around the side of the house, just in time to see Adam holding little Benjamin in his arms. When he takes notice of them, they scream and run away.

** Andrew decides to poke some fun at his sister regarding what she wants to name her baby.

** Just as Bree is about to put an end to Danielle's act and drag her back home, her water breaks, ruining Bob and Lee's rug.

* Susan discovering MJ isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Particularly when she and Mike watch him struggle to get his hand out of a jar for a good 30 seconds before ''finally'' figuring it out, only for their relief to be short-lived, as Susan quickly notices;

'''Carlos:''' I had a little news and I wanted to see your face when I delivered it.\\

'''Gabrielle:''' ''[to Bree]'' To answer your question: no, we are not getting back together. ''[Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle pick up their coffee cups, hesitate, then put them all down without drinking from them]''

'''Gabrielle:'''' Oh. It was a swat. Ted, does this hurt? ''[She swats at the other officer. Cut to Gabrielle being hauled out of the house in handcuffs while Carlos stands on the front porch with a smug look on his face]''

'''Gabrielle:''' ''[surprised]'' Really? Wow. Well, thank you. Okay, you've seen my face. Now you can beat it.\\
'''Carlos:''' Wait. [[AndAnotherThing There's more]]. Since I'm gonna be giving you all that money, I have to cut back on some stuff, like the rent on my apartment. But the good news is, according to my lawyer, I'm completely within my rights to do this. ''[Carlos opens his trunk and pulls out a suitcase]'' Honey, I'm home. ''[He starts to take his suitcase inside]''\\

--->'''Gabrielle:''' What are you doing? I told you I was having friends over!\\

'''Carlos:''' Well, I wanted to. But somebody threw my laundry out of the dryer while it was still wet.\\

'''Gabrielle:''' You peed in my shampoo. Admit it!\\

'''Carlos:''' Oh, really? Well, in that case, you should know that if I was gonna do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I would do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee. Ladies. ''[leaves]''

--->'''Gabrielle:''' Hello? There's an intruder breaking into my home. Can you tell them to come armed? I think he's Mexican.
** When the police arrive, Gaby tries to get them to arrest Carlos, and to her fury, they instead decide to arrest ''her'' after she swats one of them for empathizing with Carlos. Carlos looks on smugly as Gaby is hauled out of the house in handcuffs.

** First, he beats up their cable guy (who slipped on their wet bathroom floor because he ran late and as a result, interrupted Gaby while she was having a bath with John). As he's composing himself, he notices a poster for ''Theatre/{{Gypsy}}'', framed pictures of half-naked men and, a framed picture on the coffee table of the cable guy in the arms of another man.

'''Bree:''' No. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis You. Stink!]]\\

-->'''Susan:''' Oh no, he's got a knife and he's [[TooDumbToLive heading to the toaster!]]

* Twice in Season 1, Carlos beats up someone when he suspects them of sleeping with Gaby, only to find out that the guy in question is gay. After he gets arrested for the second incident:
-->'''Gaby''': They're charging you with a hate crime?\\
'''Carlos''': Do you remember when our cable guy was beaten up? That was me. I thought you were cheating with him.\\
'''Gaby''': With our gay cable guy?\\
'''Carlos''': I didn't know he was gay. I didn't know Justin was either. Now the cops think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.\\
'''Gaby''': Well, you sort of are.

-->'''Xiao-Mei''': Please, be gentle.

-->'''Bree:''' The door stays ''open''.
-->'''Orson:''' I want it closed.
-->'''Bree:''' No. You. Stink.
-->'''Orson:''' And you're a whore! Here's the difference: I can get clean.

-->'''Gabrielle''': Are you saying my daughter is fat for her age?
-->'''Susan''': She's fat for ''your'' age.

--> '''Bob:''' When Lee gets a few drinks in him, he'll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair.

-->'''Tom:''' So...we're not having sex?
-->'''Lynette:''' Hey, you banned me from ''your'' opening!

-->'''Bree:''' We can't let her live there! There are crack heads and prostitutes.
-->'''Orson:''' And we'll apologize to them later; right now we need to get her out of our house.

--> '''Susan''': Oh no, he's got a knife and he's [[TooDumbToLive heading to the toaster!]]

--> '''Gabby''': Ok, you know what Renee? I know this is your day, but it's only 10:00 and you're already a huge pain in the ass!
--> '''Renee''': Well then I'm running late. I should have been a huge pain in the ass by 9:00!

* In Episode 3 of the first season, "Pretty Little Picture," Bree is hosting a dinner party during a period when she and Rex have been arguing. It is initially awkward, so Mike and Susan help break the tension by recounting the already pretty funny sequence of events that led to him discovering her locked out of the house naked earlier in the episode. The rest of the couples get going with embarassing facts or stories about their partners to lift everyone spirits and just when you think it's working Bree matter-of-factly gives her contribution: "Rex cries after he ejaculates." The characters on screen are now awkward again but for the viewer at home this just became instantly hilarious.

"Desperate" might be part of the title, but there's plenty of hilarity to be found in Wisteria Lane as well.

* In season 2 when Xiao-Mei agrees to be Carlos and Gaby's surrogate but misundertands how the baby is to be conceived and offers her naked self up to Carlos.

-->'''Gabrielle''': They're charging you with a hate crime?\\

* "Gaby, you gotta help me out, they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher!" "well... ya kind of are."

* In the series finale when the girls are headed to Renee's wedding and Renee is bossing them around:

* In season 1: Gaby leaves Carlos at a party and comes back home to mow the lawn herself so Carlos won't suspect she has an adulterous relation with John Rowland, the gardener (who was supposed to mow the lawn but didn't since he had sex with her). In the middle of the night, while wearing her tight dress and with funny salsa music over the scene.