History Funny / Cracked

''(Clipart of kids holding a banner reading [-"Gotcha fucker!"-])''

''(Image of Creator/EddieMurphy with a speech bubble reading [-"[[GeniusBonus That one's a thinker!]]"-]''\\
'''Caption''': [-:You got [[Film/TheAdventuresOfPlutoNash Pluto Nashed]]!-]

'''Caption''': [-Fuckin' magnets! That's how they work!-]

''(Image of Josh celebrating a victory with the caption [-"People love my mouth on Yelp"-].)''

--> Glaube's sweetest weapon is a gator kick he calls the "Brazilian Kick." It's an attack that looks like his thigh and shin can't agree on what they're doing. It starts low so your opponent's elbow comes down to protect his body, then your kneecap dislodges and your foot swings over his gloves and into his betrayed face. You can't trust Glaube's leg. Glaube's leg will invite you over for sex and then sell you Amway. Poisoned Amway.
--> As a Japanese hero, biased judges always sent [Feitosa's] fights into extra "tie-breaking" rounds. Musashi could get pummeled into an ambulance and the judges would chase after it to tell him he still has an extra round to fight. If you punch Musashi in the eye, the Japanese judges write that down as "Musashi sternly gazes at opponent's honorless fist: 75 points." When Musashi dies, Japanese ringside teams will exhume his body for a tie-breaker round against the robots that killed him.
--> Counter fighting against Glaube Feitosa is like playing catch with hot soup -- it only ends quickly and stupidly.
--> Feitosa backed Musashi up with punches, threw a Brazilian Kick, then a front kick to the face. Musashi awesomely blocked and dodged all of this, but he was out of room. He bounced off the ropes just as Feitosa went into the air with a flying knee. Geologists can't explain why the ground shook for a moment, but wise men say that it was the erections of ancient war gods raging under the Earth.

--> Kaman wears trunks with a rainbow across the crotch. Why? Because he wants you to picture how badly he could kill you if you said something about it. Plus, it makes it impossible to tell whether he's going to fuck you or your wife.
--> Piotrowski collapsed to a knee, swinging the whole time. Then this crazy bastard wobbled back to his feet only to have the referee stop the fight. Why? Because Piotrowski was completely god damn asleep. Rob Kaman shattered the part of his brain that tells your body when it's in a coma. The referee held his unconscious body, but he was holding it more back than he was up. Which is a pretty ballsy thing to do to a guy who just turned into a zombie right in front of you.

--> For two rounds Remy Bonjasky punched and kicked Akebono as he helplessly shambled in a tiny circle. Chocolate rabbits have more natural defenses than Akebono. I didn't know if Remy was toying with him or waiting for the ice cream inside to melt just to see what would happen. It was so embarrassing that I think the Japanese subtitles tried to trick the audience into thinking they were watching a panther kill a bean bag. Then, in the third round, Remy landed a head kick. Akebono looked so dead that local restaurant owners panicked. To this day, it's the most violent thing ever done to butter. They say that if you watch this fight while you're cooking, your cream sauce will break.

--> In the first round, Buakaw opened a Muay Thai school on Masato. Thai survivors of Japan's WWII invasion watch this and say, "Jesus, take it easy on the Japanese fella."
--> Most Thai fighters like to go slow in the first round and feel their opponent out. So if a Thai fighter spent the first round beating you like you were filled with candy, terrible things are in your future. Buakaw hunted Masato in a way that no behavioral forensics investigator would call human. At one point he boots Masato into the ropes, spins him around, and kicks both legs out from under him. Masato was so confused where he was, he had to spit to figure out which way was up like an avalanche victim.
--> After this one-sided fight went the distance, it seemed pretty easy for the Japanese judges to pick a winner -- the awesome guy without all the footprints on his face. But on the other hand, Masato is Japanese. So they called it a tie and made them fight a fourth round. Coincidentally, four is the same number of years this insane decision took off Masato's lifespan.
--> The extra round went like the others. Buakaw filmed a ''How To Break A Man's Will With Muay Thai'' instructional tape all over Masato's legs, body, and head. Masato kept clinching to try and rest, but Muay Thai doesn't use the clinch for resting. As soon as any hug started, Buakaw either kneed an organ to death or spiked Masato into the mat like a football. After that, the judges didn't send it to a fifth round, probably because Masato's life insurance didn't cover suicide.

--> In comical slow motion, Sapp bent down and contorted his face in pain, surprise, and 8 emotions only buffalo have names for. He looked like he was trying to act out Total Recall for a deaf person. Something in his skull broke and it was taking a very long time for all the pain signals to reach the twin brains located in buttocky clusters of muscles in his calves.
--> As it would be explained to him later at the minotaur clinic, Cro Cop broke his orbital bone. Then they of course asked him to leave. His doctor didn't go to 12 years of minotaur school to treat a filthy cyclops.

-->When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. '''Mocked his seizure'''. [[EvenEvilHasStandards That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."]]

-->'''#112''': Josh Koscheck, when the rest of us were learning right from wrong, was your wrestling coach teaching you how to '''[[ShapedLikeItself fist a wrestling coach]]'''?\\
''(Clipart of kids holding a banner reading [[AC:"Gotcha fucker!"]])''

-->'''201''': Josh Koscheck [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext looks so much like a picture negative of Scary Spice that Eddie Murphy gave him an abortion]].\\

''(Image of Creator/EddieMurphy with a speech bubble reading [[AC:"[[GeniusBonus That one's a thinker!]]"]]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:You got [[Film/TheAdventuresOfPlutoNash Pluto Nashed]]!]]

'''Caption''': [[AC:Fuckin' magnets! That's how they work!]]

''(Image of Josh celebrating a victory with the caption [[AC:"People love my mouth on Yelp"]].)''

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-10-most-insane-acts-violence-in-kickboxing-history/ 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History]]. Seanbaby's strikes with his gross hyperboles. In fact, probably the whole article could count as big article of funny, but to be more specific...
** Feitosa vs Musashi:

** Kaman vs Piotrowski:

** Remi Bonjasky vs Akebono:

** Buakaw Por Pramuk vs. Masato: Ass Kicking of the Eight Limbs:

** Cro Cop vs. Bob Sapp:

* In a similar vein, [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-6-least-sportsmanlike-moments-in-mma/ the 6 least sportsmanlike Moments in MMA:]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-book-insults-just-ufc/ A Book of Insults Just For the UFC]]. After expositing the {{Jerkass}} nature of Josh Koscheck (mocking, bullying, and general douchebaggery towards everyone involved), Seanbaby started writing down insults about Josh. However, he was under contract to write a book for a publisher at the time, who owned everything he wrote. So it was turned ''into a children's book'': "1001 Josh Kos-BACKS!"

** There are various "chapters" of this "book", such as one on getting personal:

'''Apache Chief''': '''[[CrazyAwesome INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE]]!!!'''

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-adventures-dick-earthquake-jedi-shithead/ The Adventures of Dick Earthquake: Jedi Shithead]]. From the completely counter-intuitive, antithesis-of-MinMaxing setup (picking Scoundrel and Council, meaning ''his accompanying droid had more health than he'', refusal to commit to either Jedi or Sith and taking the worst parts of both sides (not enough dark side points to use things like Force Lightning effectively), to the fact that he ''has no idea how to use a lightsaber''. And how did he actually '''''[[ShockingSwerve beat Darth Malak]]'''''? Via land mines, running away, and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs--a literal [[Literature/FearAndLoathingInLasVegas galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, laughers, and screamers]]. And it took about 20 minutes to win the fight.

*** Likewise, shortly after the torpedo incident, the Porter was ordered to leave the convoy, whereupon they traveled to Bermuda [[LaserGuidedKarma where upon the entire crew was arrested by the Marines]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19637_the-5-craziest-war-stories-all-happened-same-ship.html The 5 Craziest War Stories (All Happened on the Same Ship)]], an article dedicated to [[EpicFail the]] [[RealityIsUnrealistic long]] [[BornUnlucky painful]] [[GoneHorriblyWrong history]] of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_William_D._Porter_(DD-579) USS William D. Porter]].[[note]]Point of order: the first three entries on the list ''[[YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe all took place during the same convoy]]''.[[/note]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19637_the-5-craziest-war-stories-all-happened-same-ship.html The 5 Craziest War Stories (All Happened on the Same Ship)]]. ''Especially'' #4 and #3.
** This line counts too:
-->"If ships were people, this one would be the kid who ate paste off a stick. [[UpToEleven And then almost killed the president by accident.]]"

-->''[[spoiler:On the heels of the command, a red and blue streak shot across the camera's field and slammed into Wong, sending both of them flipping into the background with a series of sickening thuds. It was Seanbaby. When they stopped rolling, he stood, now wearing all of David Wong's clothes. Wong, himself, was dressed from head to toe in a skin tight, red and blue, leather jumpsuit that I can only imagine had adorned Sean's body before the attack. Around the seams were tiny spots of blood, where Sean had stapled the outfit to the unconscious man. I thought about asking him how he did that, but I opted for silence, for fear that after asking the question, I'd turn around to find him standing behind me, fully prepared to demonstrate.]]''

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_143_if-every-website-got-dramatic-movie-adaptation Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites.]] [[spoiler: [[Wiki/TVTropes Guess which site was #1.]]]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_40_if-every-famous-person-got-what-they-deserved/ If Every (famous) Person Got What They Deserved]]: the #3 entry? [[spoiler: PRESIDENT Creator/BruceCampbell]].
** Speaking of celebrity presidents: [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_276_24-things-other-countries-suspect-about-life-in-america/ 24 Things Other Countries Suspect About Life in America]], the #9 entry: [[spoiler:PRESIDENT Creator/GaryBusey, screaming at the top of his lungs while wearing a cowboy hat and playing Sudoku on presidential letterhead]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/a-guide-to-the-modern-moustache/ 10 Mustache Styles That Must Be Stopped]]. Especially number two, the 'Finger Mustache'. The RunningGag of this article is that people don't actually look as cool as they think they do when wearing these mustaches. This represented by showing one picture of what you think you look like (which shows an image of a cool or stylish person) and what you actually look like (accompanied by an image of a geeky or creepy person). In number two, it shows the picture of the Finger Mustache for the 'what you think you look like' category. For the 'what you actually look like' category, [[spoiler: it shows a picture of a douche. Literally.]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-things-no-one-tells-you-about-living-farm/ 6 Things No One Tells You About Living on a Farm]]. You'll never look at a bucket of fried chicken the same way again, especially after seeing the words, [[spoiler: "Family Sized Rapists Bucket"]]. The comments section is also stuffed with hilarious stories of people growing up on equally horrifying farms.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-adventures-dick-earthquake-jedi-shithead/ The Adventures of Dick Earthquake: Jedi Shithead]]. From the completely counter-intuitive, antithesis-of-MinMaxing setup (picking Scoundrel and Council, meaning ''his accompanying droid had more health than he'', refusal to commit to either Jedi or Sith and taking the worst parts of both sides (not enough dark side points to use things like Force Lightning effectively), to the fact that he ''has no idea how to use a lightsaber''. And how did he actually '''''[[ShockingSwerve beat Darth Malak]]'''''? [[spoiler: Via land mines, running away, and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs--a literal [[Literature/FearAndLoathingInLasVegas galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, laughers, and screamers]].]] And it took about 20 minutes to win the fight.

** And the ending, when [[spoiler: Swaim realizes that, because he's left-handed, he plays into the Hollywood stereotype that lefties are only fit for supporting roles]].

*** As the capstone to this running gag, Number 1 on the list [[spoiler:is "Severance" itself]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_1708_35-famous-lines-that-fit-perfectly-in-other-movies 35 Famous Movie Scenes Improved With Lines From Other Films]] gives us "[[Film/TheBigLebowski Well that's, like,]] your ''opinion'', man" said by [[spoiler:[[Film/FullMetalJacket Private "Pyle" to Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann]]]] and [[spoiler:WesternAnimation/TheIronGiant's]] final moments improved with '''[[Film/MadMaxFuryRoad "WITNESS ME!"]]'''

* "[[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-best-order-to-watch-star-wars-movies/ The Best Order to Watch the Star Wars Movies]]", which sees Luis Prada attempt to come up with his own method which would be better than the "Machete Order"[[note]]watch in this order: ''Film/ANewHope, Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack, Film/AttackOfTheClones, Film/RevengeOfTheSith, Film/ReturnOfTheJedi''; disregard ''Film/ThePhantomMenace''[[/note]]. Special mention goes to #2: [[spoiler:"'''Film/AttackOfTheClones''' [[NoKillLikeOverkill Six Times]]"]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/if-time-travel-stories-were-way-manlier/ If Time Machines Were Built by Real Men]]. Creator/Seanbaby marks his return by showing us the world of [[AwesomeMcCoolName Rip Hunter... TIME MASTER]]. In an effort to avert a LameComeback to UsefulNotes/GeorgeWashington, Rip repeatedly goes back to avert his mistakes...[[spoiler:and ends up breaking time and reality as we know it]].

'''[[spoiler:Popsicle Pete]]''': '''REALITY. SUCH GAMES YOU CREATURES PLAY WITH WORDS.'''

** ... or the 21-story skyscraper slide from ''Film/WhoAmI'':

** Everyone applauding Raid as the best commercial of the millenium except the casts of ''WesternAnimation/{{Antz}}'' and ''WesternAnimation/ABugsLife'', who protested in memory of [[{{Disney/Pinocchio}} Jiminy Cricket]], a victim of the [[RedScare "Bug Hunts"]] of the 1950s.

-->'''Hamburglar''': ''"[[Film/TheSilenceOfTheLambs A census taker tried to test me once.]] I ate his liver with [=McNuggets=] and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble."''

** ... or the 21-story skyscraper slide from ''WhoAmI'':

'''ComicBook/{{Wasp}}:''' Speaking of which, why didn't any of you guys respond to me e-vite about my Jello mold potluck?! Everyone hates me!\\

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-10-most-unintentionally-hilarious-toys-exported-by-china/ The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China]] ruthlessly mocks the GoodBadTranslations on these very bizarre products.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/if-time-travel-stories-were-way-manlier/ If Time Machines Were Built by Real Men]]. Seanbaby marks his return by showing us the world of [[AwesomeMcCoolName Rip Hunter... TIME MASTER]]. In an effort to avert a LameComeback to UsefulNotes/GeorgeWashington, Rip repeatedly goes back to avert his mistakes...[[spoiler:and ends up breaking time and reality as we know it]].

* {{Seanbaby}} [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabe "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; middle-aged dork self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable in 1980, complete with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (not to mention a bizarre fixation on feet and Italian stuff). It naturally fails... so he makes repeated attempts to revise it, releasing editions marketed to women and other variations... Finally, desperate, he writes one with a "Christian" theme. Of course it fails... and that's where Seanbaby comes in.

--> '''Glyphtron14000''' (in response to [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21816_6-ways-my-life-as-drug-dealer-was-nothing-like-movies.html 6 Realities of Cooking Illegal Drugs (Not Seen on TV)]]):\\

--> '''Strych10:''' Trying to get to sleep after watching that last video? Just imagine all those hands covered in novelty foam fingers. You're welcome for that image.

'''Thunderous''': "Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl... Hey, is LittleOrphanAnnie on yet?" "Not for another hour and a half. Keep baking." "Shucks. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu Fhtagn!"\\

[[InternetBackdraft 3 Unexpected Ways Abortion Is Good For You (According To Science)]]\\

--->The only character who even came close was older Archie when he started making Christian comics. In those, he would stumble into danger and expect God to kill all his enemies with lightning bolts. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer You think I'm kidding? You think that's something a sane person could make up? Look!]] (image of a comic that shows [[PoesLaw literally that]])

** "6. It Can't Be Overstated Just How Much Little Archie Hated Women"

-->''I, too, met a wonderful woman, a Nigerian beauty, for whom I desperately tried to fund an egress to these United States. You see, she was royalty by Nigerian crown, and [[419Scam required merely my bank information to facilitate her transportation in dire straits]]. She never spoke with me again- and I'm quite sure she was a victim of some political assassination- but every time another 5,000 dollars is extracted from my savings account by an unknown benefactor... I always dream it is her.''

-->''I, too, met a wonderful woman, a Nigerian beauty, for whom I desperately tried to fund an egress to these United States. You see, she was royalty by Nigerian crown, and required merely my bank information to facilitate her transportation in dire straits. She never spoke with me again- and I'm quite sure she was a victim of some political assassination- but every time another 5,000 dollars is extracted from my savings account by an unknown benefactor... I always dream it is her.''

!Articles and Videos

* More Seanbaby! His [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/24504-reasons-to-burn-books/ multi-]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-f-like-a-librarian/#comment-109549 part]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-unintentionally-depressing-self-help-books-on-happiness/ series]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/stupidity-digest-1516-ways-to-kill-the-romance/ of]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/11201-more-pieces-terrible-advice/ articles]] brutally dissecting [[{{Glurge}} glurgey]] self-help guides in general and in particular the 'romantic' works of Gregory J.P. Godek (or as Seanbaby [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-most-irresponsible-sex-advice-books-all-time/ likes to refer to him, G.O.D.E.K: G.enetic O.rganism D.esigned for E.rection K.illing]]), must rank among the most creatively hilarious examples of insult comedy ever. One particularly great bit is in response to Godek's proposed fake letter to the Ford Motor Company:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21592_the-5-goofiest-pranks-ever-pulled-in-middle-wars_p1.html The 5 goofiest pranks ever pulled in the middle of wars]]. Special mention goes to the invisible motorcycle! And before that, [[ARareSentence the man who taught a toilet how to fly]]!

* [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Not a single comic panel in]] [[https://web.archive.org/web/20170122165744/http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-bizarre-horrors-found-in-squarest-comic-book-ever/ this article]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer has been modified]].
** "6. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer It Can't Be Overstated Just How Much Little Archie Hated Women]]"

* [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/6-gross-thanksgiving-foods-your-grandparents-ate-we-tested_p2/ 6 Gross Foods from a 50's Cookbook (That We Taste Tested)]] is every bit as bad as it sounds, what with tastes evolving over the decades and some recipes...adjusting for the politics of the day (threats of nuclear annihilation would mean blander palates due to less food available, hence why ''gelatin'' was a key part of many dishes, etc.). But by the time he gets to the last entry, "Banana Meatloaf", it's clear the author's fragile little mind has shattered. And apparently he now serves the Great Old Ones.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19922_5-prejudices-that-video-games-cant-seem-to-get-over_p2.html 5 Prejudices That Video Games Can't Seem to Get Over]] is a notorious piece of hack work that makes it clear the author either did no research or is deliberately misrepresenting many of the games referenced. The funny part is that one of the editors apparently thought so too; the header for the section claiming the only homosexuals in games are women who can be converted (and specifically claims Bioware is particularly guilty of this) features a big picture of Zevran from Dragon Age embracing a male player character.

* From [[http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-772-things-you-love-that-youll-never-admit-to/?utm_campaign=social-account&utm_source=facebookCKD&utm_medium=macro_repromote&utm_partner=cracked 29 Things You Love That You'll Never Admit To]]:
-->'''xela_ananym:''' I love the smell of my own farts. (And I smell them on purpose way too often)

!Comments
(It's highly recommended that you also read the comments on the articles, sorting by "votes" rather than the default "recent".
They got a goldmine of humor down there.)

* This comment from "[[http://www.cracked.com/article/234_the-spambot-who-seduced-me-true-story-forbidden-love/ The Spambot Who Seduced Me: A True Story of Forbidden Love]]" by [=SuperSloth=], especially this bit

--> '''Glyphtron14000''' (in response to [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21816_6-ways-my-life-as-drug-dealer-was-nothing-like-movies.html this article]]):\\

By [[BaitAndSwitch Luke McKinley]]

* This comment on [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21988_6-weird-ways-world-looks-different-when-youre-asexual.html this article on Asexuality]]:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_21984_5-powerful-organizations-that-started-stupid-reasons_p2.html 5 Powerful Organizations That Started For Stupid Reasons]] points out how [[TheKlan the KKK's]] hierarchical titles look like they were cribbed from ''TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons'' (Grand Wizard, Scribes, Goblins, etc). theresabug takes this [[CrossesTheLineTwice and runs with it]]:

* Lord-z's comment on [[http://www.cracked.com/article_23320_6-legendary-acts-madness-committed-by-movie-directors_p2.html 6 Famous Films (You Had No Idea Were Hell Behind The Scenes)]] describing the relationship between [[MadArtist Mad Artists]] Creator/WernerHerzog and Creator/KlausKinski is one of the most beautifully crafted comments ever written:

* From [[http://www.cracked.com/article_24146_6-disasters-with-details-so-awful-history-left-them-out_p2.html 6 Disasters With Details So Awful, History Left Them Out]]:

* From [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20209_the-6-most-hilarious-failures-in-music-censorship-history_p2.html?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Music&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=recommended The 6 Most Hilarious Failures in Music Censorship History]], this was in response to the line "They are just as likely to be reminded of the horrors of war by an ad for arthritis cream":

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_17123_the-5-most-retarded-wars-ever-fought.html/ The 5 Most Idiotic Wars Ever Fought]]
* This top-ranked conversation thread in regards to [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/6-gross-thanksgiving-foods-your-grandparents-ate-we-tested_p2/ 6 Gross Foods from a 50's Cookbook (That We Taste Tested)]]:

'''5pikey8lur''': They later found poor [[YouMakeMeSic Even]] stuffing the remains of the banana meatloaf into a dead hobo's mouth, screaming about the [[MultipleReferencePun Second Cumin]]. The autopsy shows the hobo wasn't dead when he started.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article/88_the-15-most-baffling-boasts-in-history-rap/?page=full The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap]].
* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-charming-amenities-worlds-grossest-motel-room/?page=full 7 Charming Amenities of the World's Grossest Motel Room]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-ways-grand-theft-auto-v-turned-my-son-into-monster/ 4 Ways 'Grand Theft Auto V' Turned My Son Into a Monster]] has plenty of funny throughout, but the real gold hits in item number one, where John Cheese claims that ''VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoV'' turned his son into an ice-cold killer when a spider came into the room. How did Cheese react to the spider?

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20227_the-5-most-baffling-pieces-christmas-themed-fan-fiction.html?page=full The 5 Most Baffling Pieces of Christmas-Themed Fanfiction]], especially [[ItMakesSenseInContext the ending]]:

* One of the fake book covers [[http://www.cracked.com/article_15661_harry-potter-book-disguises_p2.html here]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_668_if-everyday-objects-went-to-war_p23/#22 If Everyday Objects went to WAR.]] If this isn't the most utterly hilarious photoplasty on Cracked EVER, what is?

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_199_17-board-games-too-awesome-to-exist_p17/#12 This.]] Guess who was 12?

* The Toy Story synopsis in [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20382_5-fan-theories-about-cartoons-that-will-ruin-your-childhood_p2.html 5 Fan Theories About Cartoons That Will Ruin Your Childhood]]:

* Felix Clay's comments about Kim Kardashian's arse:

** Doubly funny is that this was part of an article about how [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-people-claim-to-hate-that-are-suspiciously-popular/?wa_user1=3&wa_user2=Weird+World&wa_user3=blog&wa_user4=feature_module things everyone hates are inexplicably popular]].

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-childrens-games-no-child-should-play_p2/ Five Children's Games No Child Should Play]]. Especially "Spank Dora Butt".
* Sometime in August 2015 Cracked columnist Mark Hill was sent an email by a low-quality, misogynistic "men's" website called Wingman Magazine, offering him $100 to plug their website in one of his articles. Mark's response? Writing the article [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-6-worst-things-about-site-that-tried-to-bribe-me/ 6 Horseshit Things The Site That Tried To Bribe Me Does]], which in true LiteralGenie fashion plugged the website ''24'' times... amidst some of the greatest written smackdowns in Cracked history. A personal favorite:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_23330_7-crazy-backstories-actors-secretly-made-up-famous-roles_p2.html 7 Famous Movie Roles (With Insane Secret Backstories)]] runs the gamut of emotions throughout, such as Robert Patrick's method of studying natural predators and the hunting native Americans for his roll as the T1000, to Creator/NathanLane's minor character's LifetimeOriginalMovie-esque backstory in ''Series/TheGoodWife'' (that's all in his head), but the MoodWhiplash in the #1 entry involves the campy 60s ''Batman'' series.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-events-that-spell-doom-popular-tv-shows_p2/ 5 Signs the TV Show You're Watching Is About to Suck]], when discussing ''Series/{{Supernatural}}'':

* Seanbaby [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-worst-comedy-tv-explained-to-deaf-people/#ixzz33GTzYkoH transcribes]] ''Series/ShitMyDadSays'' for the deaf. [[HilarityEnsues It works about as well as you think it would]], while also being ten times funnier than the show it's captioning. Take this series of captions, from a scene in which a man is getting operated on by Creator/WilliamShatner:

* [[http://www.cracked.com/funny-2858-dongs/ Cracked Topics]] on dongs.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_143_if-every-website-got-dramatic-movie-adaptation_p2 Cracked's list of posters for possible movies based on websites.]] [[spoiler: [[Wiki/TVTropes Guess which site was #1.]]]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_18621_the-sadness-toy-story-measured-in-tears-5Bchart5D.html?wa_user1=2&wa_user2=Movies+%26+TV&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=flashback The Sadness of Toy Story measured in Tears.]]

** Speaking of celebrity presidents: [[http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_276_24-things-other-countries-suspect-about-life-in-america_p2/ 24 Things Other Countries Suspect About Life in America]], the #9 entry: [[spoiler:PRESIDENT Creator/GaryBusey, screaming at the top of his lungs while wearing a cowboy hat and playing Sudoku on presidential letterhead]].

* The Robert Brockway article "5 Terrifying Things Movies Don't Tell You About Los Angeles", which is about how much Los Angeles sucks, includes a brief section on how jobs require you to have pretty headshots even when you're not going to be seen by the customers and Brockway posts a few of said headshots of his coworkers. Now, [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-terrifying-things-movies-dont-tell-you-about-los-angeles_p2/ roughly half the comments are about how attractive Soren Bowie is]] , with many people apparently forgetting about the rest of the article.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/funny-90-world-war-2/ The caption for Lesson # 3 in Cracked Topics: World War 2]]: "We don't know what's worse, if this is our propaganda, or ''yours''." The image is of a giant samurai with Imperial Japanese and Nazi German flags behind him killing everything on the ocean with a katana while the smoke of burning ships rise beneath his feet.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/funny-1934-spiders/ Spiders.]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_19972_the-10-most-ridiculous-album-cover-trends-all-time.html?wa_user1=3&wa_user2=Music&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=yesincite The Ten Most Ridiculous Album Cover Trends of All Time]] gives us the wonderful images of men sitting cross-legged in wicker chairs. They must be seen to be believed.

--> as a Japanese hero, biased judges always sent his fights into extra "tie-breaking" rounds. Musashi could get pummeled into an ambulance and the judges would chase after it to tell him he still has an extra round to fight. If you punch Musashi in the eye, the Japanese judges write that down as "Musashi sternly gazes at opponent's honorless fist: 75 points." When Musashi dies, Japanese ringside teams will exhume his body for a tie-breaker round against the robots that killed him.

* In a similar vein, [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-6-least-sportsmanlike-moments-in-mma/#ixzz2gUydvzIw the 6 least sportsmanlike Moments in MMA:]]

* [[http://www.cracked.com/funny-4928-public-restrooms/ "Restroom Etiquette: Since There Seems to be Some Confusion."]] Starts with a hysterical illustration and just gets better from there.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_14900_great-moments-in-gratuitous-sci-fi-nudity.html Great Moments in Gratuitous Sci-fi Nudity]] somehow lost all instances of "rn" due to a formatting error, causing spelling errors like "Retu of the Living Dead," and "Hoy 15-year-old." The comment section is a beautiful stream of snark.
* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_16158_the-11-most-unintentionally-gay-rap-lyrics-ever.html?page=full The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever]] and [[http://www.cracked.com/article_17391_14-more-most-unintentionally-gay-rap-lyrics-ever.html?page=full its sequel]].

* {{Seanbaby}} [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabe "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; middle-aged dork self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable in 1980, complete with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (not to mention a bizarre fixation on feet and Italian stuff). It naturally fails... so he makes repeated attempts to revise it, releasing editions marketed to women and other variations... Finally, desperate, he writes one with a "Christian" theme. Of course it fails... and that's where Seanbaby comes in.

-->'''Rip''': [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone F-Fyook! What have I done!? All of reality]]!!!\\

* [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Not a single comic panel in]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-bizarre-horrors-found-in-squarest-comic-book-ever/ this article]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer has been modified]].

'''[=LaughingTarget=]''': If I told my family I was going to make an aspic, [[IThoughtItMeant they would tell me to quit trying to take snapshots of my asshole for the Internet]].\\

'''Zarester''': Ya got that right. [[NoodleIncident I gave the bologna loaf to Azathoth one August back in 1945. Guy actually turned lucid for a second. It... did not end well]].