History Funny / Cracked

-->'''Hamburglar''': ''"[[TheSilenceOfTheLambs A census taker tried to test me once.]] I ate his liver with [=McNuggets=] and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble."''

-->"[[Literature/LordOfTheFlies This book]] is great if you're some kind of sicko interested in boys wearing very few clothes, but its not very much fun for normal people. You're far less likely to be arrested reading Chris Bucholz's new novel Severence. Which depicts nudity gracefully, in its strongest, most natural form. Twelve Stars."

** His Steath Advertisement article for his book, ''Severence'' [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-books-that-dont-deserve-amount-hate-they-get/ "5 Books That Don't Deserve The Amount Of Hate They Get"]], especially the fake Amazon reviews from users such as 'Chris Borchles'

* It may have absolutely nothing to do with the subject of the article itself, but the Kenny Loggins joke in Robert Evans' [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20052_5-weapon-myths-you-probably-believe-thanks-to-movies.html "5 Weapons Myths You Probably Believe (Thanks to Movies)"]] is way more hilarious than it probably should be.

** That encyclopedia is hilarious. To the people that doubt the hilarity of it, it's TropeNamer for AndThatsTerrible.

--> as a Japanese hero, biased judges always sent his fights into extra "tie-breaking" rounds. Musashi could get pummeled into an amublance and the judges would chase after it to tell him he still has an extra round to fight. If you punch Musashi in the eye, the Japanese judges write that down as "Musashi sternly gazes at opponent's honorless fist: 75 points." When Musashi dies, Japanese ringside teams will exhume his body for a tie-breaker round against the robots that killed him.

* {{Seanbaby}} [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (And a bizarre fixation on feet and Italian stuff). It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....

* SeanBaby [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (And a bizarre fixation on feet and Italian stuff). It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....

-->'''SeanBaby:''' Whether it's Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting "Point at your dick?"

-->'''SeanBaby:''' If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: ''*A picture of that phrase in Braille is shown*''

'''Zarester''': Ya got that right. [[NoodleIncident I gave the bologna loaf to Azathoth one August back in 1945. Guy actually turned lucid for a second. It... did not end well]].
* SeanBaby [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (And a bizarre fixation on feet and Italian stuff). It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....
-->'''BOOK:''' ''"When you are standing, and especially when leaning, hook your thumbs in your belt just above your pockets and point your fingers above the genital area. Because of the finger pointing toward the genital area, this sends out a sexual message to the woman and you'll be amazed at how many women pick up this signal."''
-->'''SeanBaby:''' Whether it's Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting "Point at your dick?"
-->'''BOOK:''' ''"A woman sitting with her arms crossed can indicate she is frustrated and not having a good time and would welcome you approaching her."''
-->'''SeanBaby:''' If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: ''*A picture of that phrase in Braille is shown*''

-->'''BOOK:''' ''"A woman sitting with her arms crossed can indicate she is frustrated and not having a good time and would welcome you approsching her."''

* SeanBaby [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (And a bizarre fixation [[FootFetish on feet]] and Italian stuff). It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....

* SeanBaby [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills (And a bizarre fixation [[FootFetishist on feet]] and Italian stuff). It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....

-->'''Sean Baby:''' Whether it's Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting "Point at your dick?"

-->'''Sean Baby:''' If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: ''*A picture of that phrase in Braille is shown*''

-->'''Sean Baby:''' If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: ''*A picture of that phrases in Braille is shown*''

* SeanBaby [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome returns]] with a new and [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/ hilarious article]] about a wannabee "Pick Up Artist/Writer/Relationship Guru" and his 35+ year odyssey of literary and sexual fail. It must be seen to be believed! In a nutshell; Some middle-aged dork in 1980 self-publishes the worst dating guide imaginable with the stupidest, creepiest advice and terrible writing/punctuation skills. It naturally fails....so the attempts to push the same book by altering it with editions marketed to women and other variations....Finally; He writes a variation with a "Christian" theme. Of course; It fails....

-->'''SeanBaby:''' Whether it's Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting "Point at your dick?"

-->'''SeanBaby:''' If a lady isn't having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it's probably because she's sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say "I'M POINTING AT MY DICK" in Braille: ''*A picture of that phrases in Braille is shown*''

'''Zarester''': Ya got that right. [[NoodleIncident I gave the bologna loaf to Azathoth one August back in 1945. Guy actually turned lucid for a second. It... did not end well]].

** Even more amusingly, that's the current page image for KatanasOfTheRisingSun.

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-6-most-terrifying-examples-rule-34 The 6 most Terrifying Examples of Rule 34]]. Aside from the possible NauseaFuel that these entries may provide, most of the naughty bits are covered up by Soren Bowie's face--that is, the image from his headshot (see above) whith the eye-fuck look he gives the camera.

2. Other."

* [[http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/6-gross-thanksgiving-foods-your-grandparents-ate-we-tested_p2/ 6 Gross Foods from a 50's Cookbook (That We Taste Tested)]] is every bit as bad as it sounds, what with tastes evolving over the decades and some recipes...adjusting for the politics of the day (threats of nuclear annihilation would mean blander palates due to less food available, hence why ''gelatin'' was a key part of many dishes, etc.). But by the time he gets to the last entry, "Banana Meatloaf", it's clear the author's fragile little mind has shattered.

''(Image of the work in progress)\\

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_17123_the-5-most-retarded-wars-ever-fought.html/ The 5 Most Idiotic Wars Ever Fought]]

-->"[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Old man yells at]] [[VideoGame/FinalFantasyVII Cloud]]"

''(YouTube embed of Batman and the Joker [[https://youtu.be/w9M7Ll4jXrM going goddamn surfing]])''\\

* [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20089_the-6-most-eerily-convincing-ghost-videos-youtube.html "The 6 Most Eerily Convincing Ghost Videos on Youtube"]] is an article full of freaky videos, especially the last one, which shows a demon composed of human hands. However, this comment serves as an extremely effective and hilarious form of NightmareRetardant:

'''Seanbaby''': It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it.\\
'''Apache Chief''': Superman. [[FridgeHorror Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice]]. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a '''beard'''!"

'''Apache Chief''': '''[[CrazyAwesome INDIAN WRESTLING IN OUTER SPACE]]!!!'''\\

* [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-amazing-video-game-moments-that-happened-by-accident/ Eight videogame moments that happened completely by accident]] holds quite a few comedic gems, both in the article itself and in the commenters' own gaming stories. Highlights of the latter include [[WWESmackdown the incredible Hulk Hogan]], [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIVOblivion the conga line of doom]] and [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft the kidnapping orc biker]].