History Funny / BattlestarGalactica2003

* Lee is trying to buck up one of the knuckle draggers as they're preparing to ambush a Cylon when Galactica is boarded with his dad's line:
-->'''Lee:''' Sometimes you gotta roll the hard six.
-->'''Jammer:''' What's that mean?
-->'''Lee:''' I don't know, it's just something my dad says. Just don't shoot until I tell you to, okay?
* There's:
-->'''Cavil:''' Frak!\\
''([[AteHisGun puts a pistol in his mouth]] and [[RageQuit blows his brains out]])''
** Although it could be DrivenToSuicide, it could also simply be him doing what he usually does to get out of a jam, forgetting in the heat of the moment that he didn't have resurrection technology anymore, and couldn't come back.
* In the miniseries, Tigh swears "Jesus Christ." In the twelve colonies, which worship the Greco-Roman Pantheon...and hate Monothiests (if ''Caprica'' is any indication). And around 140k years before Jesus would be born. Oops.
* In the miniseries, the ''Galactica'' is trying to get into combat despite it being turned into a museum that very day which leads to the pilots launching old Viper Mk II (the current fleet uses Mark VII's) that were actual museum pieces and this gem.

* The Cavil hiding out with the Resistance on Caprica returns to Galactica, and since they already have a Cavil he's revealed as a Cylon. As that Cavil is arrested: "Would you mind telling me what's going on? I am not a frakking Cylon! I'm not... ''(sees the other Cavil in the cell)'' Oh. Well. Okay, then."
** Earlier in the same episode, when Tyrol first figures out that Cavil's a Cylon and tackles him. After Tyrol gets up, Adama has every gun present pointed at the Cylon, prompting Cavil to quip, "[[{{Understatement}} Well, this is an awkward moment.]]"
* Any time Cavil threatens Baltar. For instance, when discussing how the Cylons need to instill a little fear in the people of New Caprica:
-->'''Cavil:''' I know: let's execute Baltar.\\
'''Baltar:''' What?
** And then in "The Eye of Jupiter":
--->'''D'Anna:''' You give us the Eye of Jupiter, we'll let you go.\\
'''Cavil:''' And...we'll throw in Baltar.\\
'''Baltar:''' What are you talking about now?
** D'Anna follows this by reassuring Baltar that they won't be handing him over to the Colonials but her response is so half-hearted that she might as well be talking about where to get lunch.
* Felix: "Got any porn in there?"
* Pretty much any moment with Baltar and Head!Six (i.e., the Six that only he can see)
* After Gaeta perjures himself in Baltar's trial, he angrily brings up the time that [[ThePenIsMightier Gaeta had tried to kill him with a pen]]: "The whole fleet knows this man tried to stab me through the neck -- and you missed! Butterfingers!"
** The best part? That was [[ThrowItIn an ad-lib]] from actor James Callis.
* Felix to Starbuck: "I guess a pity frak is out of the question then?"
** This was also an ad-lib!
* The entirety of Baltar's introduction to Head!Baltar, starting with his conversation with Tory.
-->'''Tory:''' I came here on my own.\\
'''Baltar:''' (''with a perfectly straight face'') And I slept with your boss last night.\\
'''Head!Baltar:''' Come on, be nice.\\
'''Baltar:''' (''no longer has a straight face'')
* "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST--NO MORE MISTER [[{{Pun}} NICE GAIUS]]! ... ''({{Beat}})'' ...Women."

* A missing ship lands in the hangar to reveal... Ellen Tigh.
-->'''Hot Dog:''' How many dead chicks are out there?
* During one of the bleakest episodes of the series so far, the fleet is about to make a dangerous jump through a multiple star system because the only potential source of food within reach is on the other side. Saul Tigh is telling Adama how the starving civilian population is starting to get unruly.
-->'''Adama:''' I hear they're still eating paper. Is that true?
-->'''Tigh:''' No. ''[[{{Beat}} [pause]]]'' Paper shortage.
-->''[They both lose all composure and dissolve into laughter for about half a minute.]''
** Crosses right over into TearJerker once you realise that it's not really all that funny, especially in-universe. It's more of a "break down crying or break down laughing" type of MirthlessLaughter where they are just venting their anxiety and stress over the near-hopeless situation they are in.
* Plus this gem from the series finale: "I don't mean to rush you, but you are keeping two civilizations waiting!"
* "I'm a friendly, okay. We're '''all''' friendlies. So let's just... be friendly."
* "I will?!" "You see them?!"
* "Bitch took my ride."
* Baltar is asking Admiral Adama, President Roslin, and Lee Adama for guns. To which the admiral replies, "You both can listen to this if you want. I'm going to the head [[note]] naval term for the bathroom[[/note]] to do something productive. A little project I've been working on."
* Starbuck literally drinking Anders under the table.
* During the miniseries, Adama's reaction to Roslin's message telling him to rendezvous with Colonial One and help aid the civilian ships.
-->'''Adama:''' Is this a joke?
* During "Torn" Helo asks for a callsign for [[RobotGirl his wife]]. Cue the HurricaneOfPuns. Among the best: "Chromedome!", "Windup Toy", "''Micro Chick!''" and "Digital Dame".
* Colonel Tigh commenting on the primary consequence of destroying the Resurrection Hub: "We blow the hub and billions of skin jobs lose their bath privileges."
* The ultrasound scan of Tigh's and Caprica-Six's baby, with this offscreen dialogue:
-->'''Six:''' I thought I saw it.\\
'''Tigh:''' [annoyed] Saw what?\\
'''Cottle:''' Everyone, shut the frak up for a second.
** '''Cottle:''' "Try looking with your eyes... eye."
* "You know, there are days when I *really hate this job."
* After Sharon goes into premature labor, Doc Cottle has this to say:
-->'''Cottle''': I find it absolutely amazing you people went to all the trouble to appear human, and didn't upgrade the plumbing.
* "Strength comes from within." *Caprica-Six prompts Baltar. Baltar goes O_O for a bit, then...* "... and from guns! More guns, bigger guns, better guns!"
* More from Cavil in the finale, when informed that firing at Boomer will also risk killing Hera. "Feel free to keep stating the perfectly obvious. It fills me with confidence."

* The Battlestar Wiki entry for [[https://en.battlestarwikiclone.org/wiki/New_Caprican_loco_weed New Caprican leaf]], aka Fleet Wheat, aka Battlestash Galactiganj.
* Gaeta and Dee's shared eye-roll in "Resistance" when they realise that Tigh's been drinking on duty again.
** And in a deleted scene from season 3, when the two of them notice that Adama and Roslin are spending too much time together, have a "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" moment, dismiss it as impossible, but can't help but laugh ("that's an image I don't need in my head"), and keep laughing even when they arrive in the presence of a ''so not amused'' Saul Tigh.
* Roslin pranking everyone into thinking she's going to Christen the newly-built Blackbird old sailing ship style (ie, smashing a champagne bottle on it, a very bad idea with this far more fragile vehicle).
** Made even more hilarious when you know that Mary [=McDonnell=] was having a massive giggle fit the entire time they were shooting the scene.

* Gaeta running verbal rings around a frustrated Starbuck duing the mess hall scene in 'A Disquiet Follows Me Soul', ending with the viciously hilarious diss 'I guess a pity frak's out of the question...'

* Gaius Baltar trying to calm the Hybrid on the Rebel Basestar while it's making random FTL jumps is just all kinds of hilarious.
-->'''Baltar:''' Shhhh. Shhhh. Hey! Hey, stop jumping the ship!
-->'''Hybrid:''' Calm your mind. Cease countdown. Cease countdown. Circulation. Ventilation. Control. Filters. [[MadnessMantra Filters, the sublime elevation...]]
-->'''Baltar:''' (Obviously awestruck) Did you see that? I just opened myself up to it on a spiritual leve-
-->'''Hybrid:''' '''''JUMP!'''''
* This snippet of Roslin's conversation with Head-Elosha:
-->'''Elosha:''' The ancients used to say a people is only as strong as the body of its leader.
-->'''Roslin:''' If I follow that thought... are you saying that humanity died because ''I'' died? If you're my subconscious, [[WhichMe I've gotta say you're a little full of myself]].

* During 4x18 "Islanded in a Stream of Stars", Baltar is shaving in the bathroom when...
-->'''Starbuck:''' Missed a spot." *beat* "By your left sideburn.\\
'''Baltar:''' O_o\\
'''Starbuck:''' The latch was busted.
** What makes this extremely funny is that Starbuck's on the toilet during this conversation, reading something.
* When Head-Six helps Baltar stand up against the guards that were blocking and attempting to take over his and his religious followers' hideaway. No matter how many times Baltar is beaten to the ground, Head-Six insists that he keeps fighting, and lifts him up from under his arms... Which means in reality, Baltar is rising up from the ground in the most bizarre and peculiar way that could in no way support himself on his own, leaving onlookers bewildered and the guards practically begging him to stay down... All while Baltar is telling Head-Six to leave him on the ground. Uplifting religious sounding music accompanies this, as if to imply his followers believe it is God lending Baltar the strength to keep standing. The ragdoll like movements really adds to the humor.
* IT'S IN THE FRAKKING SHIP!

* Baltar mistaking Shelly Godfrey (a Six model Cylon) for Head Six, and his reaction when he realized she wasn't Head Six:
-->'''Baltar:''' (''happily'') You can all see her!
* There is an old woman in the miniseries who is the third and final winner of the lottery to escape aboard Boomer's Raptor. She asks Baltar to read her number as she has misplaced her glasses. ''Her glasses are on top of her head.''
* Several meta-examples are provided by the commentary tracks:
** Ron Moore explaining that Edward Olmos' no-nonsense reaction at a press event to being asked what he thought of backlash from fans of the original series was to respond with "Don't watch it. If you're a fan of the original, just don't watch it, it'll be too painful, turn it off." Moore goes on to say that the reporters were uncharacteristically generous and gave him several chances to backpedal, none of which he took, all while the president of the [=SyFy=] channel kept a straight face but clearly wanted to physically yank him out of the room.
** Moore's wife admitting that she regularly checked the official forums, prompting Moore to completely freak out at the idea of the forum-goers trying to work his wife into getting her to convince him to do something specific with the show. His wife is referred to as "Mrs. Ron" from then on.
** Moore having to wait for Mrs. Ron to leave before he can smoke, which leads into a RunningGag of him insisting that [[SmokingIsCool smoking is]] ''[[SmokingIsCool cool]]'', dammit.
* Kara and Baltar are in the middle of having sex in "Kobol's Last Gleaming: Part 1" when Kara accidentally calls out Lee's name and completely kills the mood. Baltar looks absolutely offended by the entire thing while Kara quietly gathers her dress from the night before and hurries out of the room with it half on in a blatant walk of shame.

* Meta-example for the episode Maelstrom: [[https://youtu.be/-CRAbUNNofs?t=1115 Edward James Olmos retells how he destroyed the classic model ship while channeling Adama's grief over Kara's death]].
-->'''Ed:''' Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "[[MassOhCrap Ohh!]]" "What happened? What? What happened? What di--''[[OhCrap Oh!]]'' This is a cl--oh!--a classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind]]--ohhh... Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe! "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yes, Ed: it's ruined.]]"

-->'''Ed:''' Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "[[MassOhCrap Ohh!]]" "What happened? What? What happened? What di--''[[OhCrap Oh!]]'' This is a cl--oh!--a classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind]]--ohhh... Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe! "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yes, Ed: it's ruined.]]"v
* As the Galactica is plummeting towards the surface of New Caprica in freefall during "Exodus, Part 2," Hot Dog prepares to launch his Viper out of the Galactica's launch tube, through a curtain of sheer heat, with one of the most deadpan lines you'll ever hear:
--> '''Hot Dog:''' Well, this ought to be different.

* Meta-example for the episode Maelstrom: [[https://youtu.be/-CRAbUNNofs Edward James Olmos retells how he destroyed the classic model ship while channeling Adama's grief over Kara's death]].

—> ‘’’Lee:’’’ Sometimes you gotta roll the hard six.
—> ‘’’Jammer:’’’ What’s that mean?
—> ‘’’Lee:’’’ I don’t know, it’s just something my dad says. Just don’t shoot until I tell you to, okay?

—-> ‘’’Lee:’’’ Sometimes you gotta roll the hard six.
—-> ‘’’Jammer:’’’ What’s that mean?
—-> ‘’’Lee:’’’ I don’t know, it’s just something my dad says. Just don’t shoot until I tell you to, okay?

-->'''Ed:''' Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "[[MassOhCrap Ohh!]]" "What happened? What? What happened? What di--''[[OhCrap Oh!]]'' This is a cl--oh!--a classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind]]--ohhh... Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe! "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yes, Ed: it's ruined.]]"

-->[[spoiler: '''Cavil''']]: Frak!\\

* In the miniseries, Tigh swears "Jesus Christ." In the twelve colonies, which worship the Greco-Roman Pantheon...and hate Monothiests (if ''Caprica'' is any indication). [[spoiler: And around 140k years before Jesus would be born.]] Oops.

-->'''Tyrol''': The biggest problem [in launching the Vipers] is getting them over to the Port launch bay.\\
'''Starbuck''': Why can't we use the Starboard Launch?\\
'''Tyrol''': It's a gift shop now.\\
'''Starbuck''': Frak me.

* The entirety of Baltar's introduction to [[spoiler: Head!Baltar]], starting with his conversation with Tory.

'''[[spoiler: Head!Baltar]]:''' Come on, be nice.\\

-->'''[[TheCaptain Adama]]''': They better start having babies.\\

'''[[SourSupporter Tigh]]''': Is that an order?

** Lee's face when [[spoiler: Tigh's wife]] starts playing FootsieUnderTheTable.

--->'''Adama''': Which means--any one of us could be a cylon.\\

'''Ellen''': [[JumpScare BOO!]]\\

--->'''Baltar''': Ladies and gentlemen, please! We're in a laboratory, there are all kinds of hazardous compounds everywhere… That--''That'' is a ''nuclear bomb'', for frak's sake, so…

* A missing ship lands in the hangar to reveal... [[spoiler:Ellen Tigh]].

-->'''Adama''': I hear they're still eating paper. Is that true?
-->'''Tigh''' No. ''[[{{Beat}} [pause]]]'' Paper shortage.

-->'''Baltar''': Which leads me to conclude that Cylons are little more than toasters! ....with great-looking legs.
* Gaius Baltar trying to calm the Hybrid on the [[spoiler:Rebel Basestar]] while it's making random FTL jumps is just all kinds of hilarious.
-->'''Baltar''': Shhhh. Shhhh. Hey! Hey, stop jumping the ship!
-->'''Hybrid''': Calm your mind. Cease countdown. Cease countdown. Circulation. Ventilation. Control. Filters. [[MadnessMantra Filters, the sublime elevation...]]
-->'''Baltar''': (Obviously awestruck) Did you see that? I just opened myself up to it on a spiritual leve-
-->'''Hybrid''': '''''JUMP!'''''
* This snippet of Roslin's conversation with [[spoiler:Head-Elosha]]:
-->'''[[spoiler:Elosha]]''': The ancients used to say a people is only as strong as the body of its leader.
-->'''Roslin''': If I follow that thought... are you saying that humanity died because ''I'' died? If you're my subconscious, [[WhichMe I've gotta say you're a little full of myself]].

-->'''Hot Dog''': [[DeadpanSnarker Well, this ought to be different]].

-->'''Cavil:''' "I know: let's execute Baltar."
-->'''Baltar:''' "What?"

-->'''D'Anna:''' "You give us the Eye of Jupiter, we'll let you go."
-->'''Cavil:''' "And...we'll throw in Baltar."
-->'''Baltar:''' "What are you talking about now?"

-->Tory--I came here on my own.
-->Baltar--::with a perfectly straight face:: And I slept with your boss last night.
-->[[spoiler: Head!Baltar]]--Come on, be nice.
-->Baltar--::no longer has a straight face::

--> '''Adama''': Which means--any one of us could be a cylon.\\

-->'''Baltar''': Ladies and gentlemen, please! We're in a laboratory, there are all kinds of hazardous compounds everywhere… That--''That'' is a ''nuclear bomb'', for frak's sake, so…

-->'''Baltar (on the toilet):''' "So, um... How're you doing?"
-->'''Gaeta (on the toilet):''' "Uhh... Mmm..."
-->'''Baltar (still on the toilet):''' "You're busy, yes, I know, I don't mean to distract you, please, don't let me interrupt." *starts to whistle*

-->'''Baltar:''' "So how's it going over there?"
-->'''Gaeta:''' "Uh..."
-->'''Baltar:''' "In the lab, that is. I'm talking about the photograph."

-->'''Six:''' "I thought I saw it."
-->'''Tigh:''' [annoyed] "Saw what?"
-->'''Cottle:''' "Everyone, shut the frak up for a second."

--->'''Baltar:''' "I am not a toy! I am not your plaything!"
--->'''President Roslin & Head Six, in stereo:''' "Plaything?"

** Made even more hilarious when you know that Mary McDonnell was having a massive giggle fit the entire time they were shooting the scene.

-->'''Starbuck:''' "Missed a spot." *beat* "By your left sideburn."
-->'''Baltar:''' O_o
-->'''Starbuck:''' "The latch was busted."

--> Baltar (to Lee): "That would be the quickest way to absolve all your responsibility, wash your hands of the whole affair! You get back to your life..."
-->(to Romo Lampkin, who has a blank look on his face)
-->"You get back to...whatever it is you do!"

-->'''Baltar *happy*:''' "You can all see her!"

-->'''Ed''': Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "[[MassOhCrap Ohh!]]" "What happened? What? What happened? What di--''[[OhCrap Oh!]]'' This is a cl--oh!--a classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind]]--ohhh... Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe! "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yes, Ed: it's ruined.]]"

* This exchange from the pilot, as Tigh and Adama observe Dee flirting with Billy:

* When Head-Six helps Baltar stand up against the guards that were blocking and attempting to take over his and his religious followers' hideaway. No matter how many times Baltar is beaten to the ground, Head-Six insists that he keeps fighting, and lifts him up from under his arms... Which means in reality, Baltar is rising up from the ground in the most bizzare and peculiar way that could in now way support himself on his own, leaving onlookers bewildered and the guards practially begging him to stay down... All while Baltar is telling Head-Six to leave him on the ground. Uplifting religious sounding music accompanies this, as if to imply his followers believe it is God lending Baltar the strength to keep standing. The ragdoll like movements really adds to the humor.

-->'''Ed''': Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "Ohh!" "What? What happened? What happened? --''[[OhCrap Oh!]]'' This is a cl--oh!--a classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind]]--ohhh... Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe! "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Yes, Ed: it's ruined.]]"

-->'''Ed''': Nobody told me it cost that much. ''Boom!'' "Ohh!" "What? What happened? What happened? --Oh! This is a--oh!--classic--[[RuleOfThree oh!]]--[[MyGodWhatHaveIDone one-of-a-kind--ohhh...]] Oh, shoot! Uh... [[{{Understatement}} I guess it's kinda, like, ruined, huh?]]" Hehe!

* "NO MORE MISTER [[{{Pun}} NICE GAIUS]]".

*** Not to mention the part where Baltar tries to delicately mention that there is a nuclear warhead in the room.

-->'''Baltar''': Ladies and gentlemen, please, this is a laboratory, there are delicate scientific instruments about… there… there is a ''frakking nuclear warhead right there!''

-->[[spoiler: Cavil]]: Frak! *[[AteHisGun puts gun in mouth]]* *[[RageQuit blows his brains out]]*

* In the miniseries, Tigh swears "Jesus Christ." In the twelve colonies, which worship the Greco-Roman Pantheon. And hate Monothiests (if ''Caprica'' is any indication). [[spoiler: And around 140k years before Jesus would be born.]] Oops.
* In the miniseries Galactica is trying to get into combat despite it being turned into a museum that very day which leads to the pilots launching old Viper Mk II (the current fleet uses Mark VII's) that were actual museum pieces and this gem.
-->'''Tyrol:''' "The biggest problem (in launching the Vipers) is getting them over to the Port launch bay."
-->'''Starbuck:''' "Why can't we use the Starboard Launch?"
-->'''Tyrol:''' "It's a Gift Shop now."
-->'''Starbuck:''' "Frak me."
* The Cavil hiding out with the Resistance on Caprica returns to Galactica, and since they already have a Cavil he's revealed as a Cylon. As that Cavil is arrested: "Would you mind telling me what's going on? I am not a frakking Cylon! I'm not... (sees the other Cavil in the cell) Oh. Well. Okay, then."
** Earlier in the same episode when Tyrol first figures out that Cavil's a Cylon and tackles him. After Tyrol gets up, Adama has every gun present pointed at the Cylon, prompting Cavil to quip, "Well, this is an awkward moment."

** The best part? That was [[ThrowItIn an ad-lib]] from James Callis.

-->'''[[TheCaptain Adama]]:''' "They better start having babies."\\
* {{Beat}} of WTF* \\
'''[[SourSupporter Tigh]]:''' "Is that an order?"

--> Adama: Which means--any one of us could be a cylon.
--> Awkward silence
--> Ellen: BOO! (Everyone jumps about a foot in the air.)

* The Battlestar Wiki entry for [[http://en.battlestarwiki.org/wiki/New_Caprican_loco_weed New Caprican leaf]], aka Fleet Wheat, aka Battlestash Galactiganj.