History Funny / BaldursGate

'''Bondari: Uh, here's your eyestalk sir. We found something else, too. I hope you like it.\\

* "Bondari reloads"

'''Bondari''': Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger.

** You can't go back to any of the places recruitable party members are found (e.g., the Copper Coronet) in the expansion, but you ''can'' use your power to teleport any of them [[hottip:*:(who are still alive)]] across the continent and into your Pocket Plane to join you. While they don't get any warning whatsoever and some of them aren't happy at being yanked away from whatever they were doing, Jan is surprisingly unsurprised.

**

* Taking him to the Iron Throne Building in ''[=BG1=]'' will result in a banter where he comments on the size of his privates and how the rashemi woman looked at it

* Taking him to the Iron Throne Building in BG1 will result in a banter where he comments on the size of his privates and how the rashemi woman looked at it

* In the Enhanced Edition, having Tiax and Dorn in the same party will result in the mad little gnome trying to steal the Blackguard's demonic power and fail hilariously. Dorn is too amused by it, and Tiax attempting to play off his failure as intention comedy, to stomp him out for it.
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* Korgan getting Jan to tell a story is quite funny and disturbing. Here it is:

Korgan: ‘Tis been far too long since our last battle. Jan, ye runty windbag, tell me a story to ward off the boredom ... and if ye know what’s good for ye, it’ll be about dwarves!
Jan: Ah, finally someone who appreciates my tales! A tale about dwarves, eh? Let me see, of course - my cousin Kimble. Not a dwarf himself per se, but Kimble always was of peculiar tastes for a gnome. He fell in love with a dwarven lass. She was stout and stocky, with a gruff voice and a soft, supple beard...
Korgan: Ah, gnome, ye know how to paint a lovely picture ... such a beauty she must ha’ been!
Jan: Oh yes, she was a fine looking woman ... to Kimble’s eyes at least. She cast a spell on him far stronger than any sorcerer could have. But she wouldn’t have anything to do with my cousin - she had dwarven princes and clan lords after her calloused hands, and she couldn’t be bothered with a dirt poor turnip farming gnome. But Kimble’s heart wouldn’t be denied ... he left his own family to follow this bewitching character back to her clan home.
Korgan: Yer losin’ me gnome, I don’t want no weeping love story. I want killin’ and death! Give me blood!
Jan: You wanted a story about dwarves, and this is the only one I’ve got. I just can’t make up a life, you know ... that would be an affront to the grand tradition of storytelling in my family! Now, where was I? Oh yes, Kimble. My cousin followed the lovely dwarven lass to her clan home in the Alimir Mountains, and started a turnip farm there. He had a rough go of it at first, let me tell you ... taxes, levies, zoning restrictions. It was almost like the dwarves didn’t want him and his farm there. But they never had turnips, so they didn’t really know what they were missing. One of those turnips started to sprout things, changed in a hurry. Turns out the dwarves of that particular clan LOVED turnips. Fried, baked, boiled, pureed, mashed - you couldn’t find a meal of the day they didn’t have turnips with. Turnips became so fashionable they began to wear clothes made from turnips. Never did a dwarf look so snazzy (or smell so appetizing) as when he dressed up in a turnip top hat and turnip tails, with turnip skin shoes to complete the ensemble. And with his turnip business booming, Kimble had more wealth than he knew what to do with. Just walking around his house was an effort, what with all the mountains of gold spilling out of every door of every room.
Korgan: All that gold got me attention, gnome. But the happy ending isn’t doin’ much for me.
Jan: Happy ending? I never said any such thing. Kimble was rich, true enough - but it turns out his dwarven love didn’t share her clans’ fondness for turnips. In fact, she was deathly allergic. She did her best to avoid the lethal vegetables, but as popular as Kimble’s crops were it was only a matter of time before she accidentally ate one. It killed her, of course. Heartbroken, Kimble tried to return to his own people. But the dwarves just weren’t going to let him and his turnips leave. They threw him in prison and demanded he reveal the secrets of turnip farming, but that isn’t something you can just teach. You either have the gift or you don’t, and dwarves don’t. In the end Kimble’s frail body succumbed to the dwarves’ torture and interrogation and he left to join his beloved in the afterlife. And that particular dwarven clan discovered that turnip farmers were almost as tasty as turnips themselves. Or so I’ve heard.
Korgan: HAR! HAR! HAR! A great tale, gnome. Ye done yerself proud!

-->'''Jan:''' You know, Binky, I've been considering this plan of yours that you had with the Iron Throne and all that. Interesting ideas...but flawed.
-->'''Sarevok:''' 'Binky'? You had best not be addressing me, gnome.
-->'''Jan:''' For instance, whose idea was it to put impurities into the iron? Sounds like the lame idea of some yes-man underling who didn't know when to quit. No doubt you had him flogged.
-->'''Sarevok:''' I will not have my past commented upon by the likes of you, churl. [[SilenceYouFool Quiet yourself, lest you experience worse than mere flogging.]]
-->'''Jan:''' Speaking of a good flog, I'm brought to mind of poor Auntie Sara. She, too, had a master plan to take over the Sword Coast, you know. Although hers was considerably less dramatic and involved the use of some tasty recipes for turnip pie and some mind-altering herbs that Auntie Sara had bought from a rather disreputable Turmish mage.
-->'''Sarevok:''' Are you listening to *nothing* I say?! Desist or suffer the consequences!
-->'''Jan:''' Do you think she would listen to us? You can trust a Turmish mage about as far as you can kick him...and even then it's not a bad idea to carry a good thumping stick. But, alas, Auntie Sara just [[EvilLaugh cackled in her most villain-like way]] and was determined to carry on with her plan to [[MassHypnosis hypnotize the Sword Coast]]. Alas, she was completely undone by an [[EvilGloating over-the-top exposition]] she gave to a spy that she had captured...and who [[BondVillainStupidity subsequently escaped, of course, before she could have him killed]]. It's what villains do, I understand, when they're not busy defiling iron.
-->'''Sarevok:''' I will not be mocked, gnome! This is your last warning!
-->'''Jan:''' Of course, they say that Duke Eltan had already had a bit of Auntie's pie and enjoyed it immensely. Rather than become hypnotized, he just became rather pleasantly obsessed with silken undergarments. This, of course, led to the first Great Underwear Shortage. It's also known as the Three-Year Wedgie Drought, but that's another story completely.
-->'''Sarevok:''' AUUUUGHHH!! How maddening! How you can put up with such impudence, CHARNAME!!

"Oooo...big weapon, this (referring to the Ravager halberd). [[CompensatingForSomething You over-compensating, maybe?]]"

-->'''Viconia:''' (sigh) So what else is new?

-->'''Jan:''' [[TemptingFate Of course, they say that Duke Eltan had already had a bit of Auntie's pie and enjoyed it immensely. Rather than become hypnotized, he just became rather pleasantly obsessed with silken undergarments. This, of course, led to the first Great Underwear Shortage. It's also known as the Three-Year Wedgie Drought, but that's another story completely.]]

Sarevok: I will not be mocked, gnome! This is your last warning!

* Then, of course, there's [[TheSwordThatSpeaks Lilarcor]].

-->'''Viconia''': How is it that you travel with such a wee buffoon?\\
'''Player''': Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...\\

'''Minsc''': Your peg. A proper pirate has a peg, whether an arm, leg, or - uh - [[IfYouKnowWhatIMean some other expendable extremity]]. And a parrot.\\