Recap / Mystery Science Theater 3000 S09 E08: The Touch of Satan

...softens your hands while you do the dishes.

Jodie: Is there anyone in this house I don't know about?
Crow: Well, you know about Mrs. Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?

Film watched: The Touch of Satan

The episode is available in the Gizmoplex here, on Shout! Factory here, and on the MST3k YouTube channel here.

The Segments:

Prologue

• Crow and Tom have come caroling to Mike in exchange for "wassail", even though it's the middle of July and they have no idea what "wassail" even is. This doesn't stop them from bugging Mike for some, and tell him that since he's unable to provide wassail, he's forced to give them his debit card and PIN number in accordance with not-at-all made-up tradition.

Segment 1

• Mike manages to placate the 'Bots from using his debit card to purchase expensive goods with some canned wassail, since he uncovered a loophole in the wassailing song that doesn't specify what condition the product comes in. The wassail debate is interrupted by a call from Bobo, who alerts the SOL crew that Pearl's gone on vacation and hired Steffi, an extremely condescending young woman, to babysit Bobo and Brain Guy while she's away. Not weirded out in the slightest that her charges are a talking ape and an omnipotent alien, Steffi treats them as a misbehaving dog named "Fluffykins" and a naughty child named "Brian". It's also thanks to her lack of being fazed that she's able to send Mike and the 'Bots today's experiment with no hassle.

Segment 2

• Mike tries to be a walnut rancher like the father in the film, but he somehow manages to get incredibly sweaty just after leafing through a farm catalog. Tom, meanwhile, has gotten into the pecan business, and he's already made a fortune despite not having planted a single pecan.

Segment 3

• Influenced by the day's experiment yet again, Crow has suspected himself to be a witch, trying to confirm the suspicions by having Mike pile rocks on him. It doesn't seem to have any effect no matter how many rocks Mike has piled up, prompting Mike himself, always being the voice of reason, to tell Crow that he's not dead because he's a robot with a molybdenum frame. He also makes things worse when he absentmindedly says that Crow could just as easily be a frog.

Segment 4

• Mike is startled by what appears to be Tom dressed as Lucinda, who aggressively tries to stab him with a pitchfork. Coming upon the scene, Tom formally introduces Mike to the grandmother he never knew he had, though he also clarifies that she's only one of his two grandmothers, who he can tell apart by how strong their desire to kill is. Granny Servo goes back to trying to kill Mike when Tom leaves them to get acquainted, since she views him as a perfect target for how big and slow he is.

Segment 5

• Crow claims that he's sold his soul to Satan in exchange for unfathomable power. Discovering a typo in the fine print of his contract, Mike notes that Crow actually sold his soul to a CPA/investment consultant named Stan Johnson. A call Mike places to Stan reveals that he has since sold Crow's soul to Citicorp, leaving Crow tied up in red tape trying to get it back. In the castle, Steffi reads Brain Guy Green Eggs and Ham for a bedtime story, and his frustration with the story prompts him to go to sleep early. Bobo manages to punch some holes in his new dog cage to walk around and make his own comments on the story, leading Steffi to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper again and again.

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 presentation of The Touch of Satan has examples of:

• The '70s: It's very much a '70s movie, so there are many, but one blatant reference:
  Crow: Mike, what were you guys doing there in the 70s, making witch movies, inhaling huge clouds of marijuana, big ugly flared pants on...
  Mike: Well, we had to do something.
• Accidental Misnaming:
  • Steffi calls Brain Guy "Brian."
    Observer: No, it's Brain! I mean, Brain Guy! I mean, Observer! Oh, never mind.
  • Steffi also calls Crow "Cow." After which Crow calls himself "Cow."
    Crow: And I'm Cow.
    Mike: Crow.
    Crow: What?
    Mike: You're Crow.
    Crow: Yeah, I know. Of course, I'm Crow. I just said I'm Crow, ya great feeb.
  • In real life, Mike Nelson accidentally called this episode A Touch of Satan instead of The Touch of Satan in the episode intro on the DVD.
  • Servo accidently calls the Necronomicon "Necromonicon".
• Accidental Murder: Lucinda killing the cop is made to be this.
  Servo: [as Lucinda] I suppose you're gonna blame me for this.
  Crow: [also as Lucinda] I meant to ask him in for pie. I don't know what happened.
• All Animals Are Dogs: Steffi treats Bobo like a dog, who eventually gives up and does as he's told... until the end, when he keeps talking over the credits as Steffi hits him with a rolled-up newspaper. "No bark!"
• Alternative Character Interpretation: Invoked. According to Brain Guy, Sam I Am from Green Eggs and Ham is a Jerkass trying to force others to like what he likes.
• Amazing Freaking Grace: "Public domain, we don't have to pay anyone! Hahahaha!"
  Crow: Hey, wait a minute, you can't use "Amazing Grace" in a devil movie!
• Bizarro Episode: In-universe. As the dream showing how Melissa became a witch ends, Mike dismisses the whole thing as the weirdest episode of The Big Valley ever.
• Call-Back:
  • As early as the opening credits, the movie has enough of a '70s vibe that Mike puts Crow on "Clu Gulager alert". Gulager was previously riffed on in the late '70s series-turned-TV movies Master Ninja I and San Francisco International. During the credits for fellow made-for-TV Compilation Movie Riding With Death, Tom says "Oh, if Clu Gulager isn't in this,^note He isn't it'll be very wrong."
  • Upon realizing the leader of the Angry Mob is played by Robert "Man of A Thousand Voices" Easton (who played the back brace-wearing Dan Kester in The Giant Spider Invasion) Servo lets out an enthusiastic, "You've been hittin' the BOOZE again!"
  • As another callback to The Giant Spider Invasion, Mike adds "Go Packers, too!" when the townsfolk are chanting to burn the witch.
  • When Mike climbs up the ladder to add more rocks to the pile, he's wearing socks and sandals, which was apparently just something Mike (the actor) did around the set. Servo was right, he was in violation of the dress code. Makes you wonder about the sheer camisoles.
  • When Melissa talks Jodie into staying at the farm after aforementioned murder:
    Melissa: Then stay. Just one more day.
    Mike: Oh, you mean STAY!!!
• Curse of The Ancients: Crow-as-Lucinda before she breaks out of the house.
  Crow: Consarn it! Breakin' up my dagnabbit contract with Satan!
  • Old farmer looking for his pitchfork.
  Crow: Maybe the dag blagit thing is over yonder.
• Deal with the Devil: Subverted. Crow attempted to sell his soul to Satan for unworldly power, but he accidentally sold it to a CPA named Stan instead. Stan proceeded to sell it to Citicorp, meaning that Crow is gonna have to go through a lot of annoying paperwork and phone calls to get it back.
• Directed by Cast Member: Kevin Murphy wrote and directed the host segments. invoked
• Disproportionate Retribution: As Lucinda is stabbing a cop to death with a hay hook:
  Crow: (as Lucinda) Where's my bike?!? I reported it stolen eighty years ago!
• Dissonant Serenity: Mike accuses the Angry Mob of this, calling it a "Lake Wobegon witch-burning."
• Downer Ending: In the film.
  Tom: So in the end, Satan wins, I guess?
  Mike: Yep, pretty much a shut-out for Satan.
• Dumb Blonde: Steffi somehow fails to notice anything unusual about a talking gorilla (she seems to be under the impression he's a dog) and an "omnipotent" alien who carries his own brain around in a bowl. On the other hand, she's very good at browbeating them into submission.
• Failed a Spot Check: The Angry Mob quite clearly keeps chanting "Burn the witch," but Melissa and her mother are stunningly oblivious.
  Mother: What is it, David?
  Crow: It's people saying, "Burn the witch." You deaf?
  Melissa: Papa, what is it?
  Crow: People saying, "Burn the witch!" Do you have any deductive powers at all?!
• Generation Xerox: "So, this family has been pausing for centuries. It's a tradition."
• Here We Go Again!: A variation on the usual gag toward the end of the movie — footage very similar to the beginning appears, prompting Mike and the bots to lament that the movie's starting over.
  Mike: We're back at the beginning! This film is a Möbius strip!
• Hypocritical Humor: Bobo resents being treated like a pet, only to then get yelled at for chewing up Steffi's shoe, and shedding, and needing another tick bath.
• I Am a Humanitarian: "Honey, I found the Deputy's badge in my stew."
• In the Blood: Melissa and Lucinda's father pauses as much as the former does. Crow suspects the entire family has this problem going back centuries.
• It Tastes Like Feet: Mike tells the bots they probably wouldn't like the canned wassail, as it tastes "kinda skunky". Given the expiration date is 1547, that's probably a valid reason.
• Loophole Abuse: Mike gets his debit card back because the song doesn't say it can't be canned Wassail. Servo even says this is what Mike did.
• Made of Explodium: When Great-Grandma's shack violently combusts.
  Servo: You know, when you're at that age, you're just ready to go right up, the slightest spark can get it going, let me tell ya.
  (shortly after)
  Servo: Grandma must have exploded or something!
  Mike: Grandma's flash-paper bathrobe turned out to be a mistake.
• Malaproper: Referenced in the film, after the gas station attendant's repeated use of the phrase "fromachidal maniacs".
  Servo: Is that right? Maybe I should check my dictionotomy.
• Manchild: Brain Guy becomes this due to Steffi's browbeating. At the end of the show he goes to bed but only after making sure to get his Security Blanket ("his blanky"), pacifier ("his nook"), and teddy bear ("his friend" — actually a Cookie Monster doll).
• Mistaken Identity: Crow accidentally sells his soul to a CPA named Stan.
• No Indoor Voice: "I sure love the yelling channel."
• Number of the Beast: A joke that Melissa deliberately arranges her purchases at the market so she gets $6.66 in change.
  • Near the end of the movie:
    Mike: [as Jodie] Hey, the odometer's all 6's!
• Oh, Crap!: While Mike and the Bots are musing on the Downer Ending, the credits suddenly skip forward, freaking them out as they hurry out of the theater.
• Police Are Useless: As Lucinda is killing the cop:
  Crow: "Where's my bike?! I reported it stolen 80 years ago!"
• Product Placement: In the film.
  Crow: Why do I suddenly feel hungry for Carnation Ice Cream?
• Real Life Writes the Plot: Pearl's absent and left a babysitter in charge of her minions, because Mary Jo Pehl was traveling to shoot her scenes with Leonard Maltin for the next episode.
• Refuge in Audacity: Making fun of the elderly in this episode are what mocking Joe Don Baker for being fat is to Final Justice.
• Remember the New Guy?: Servo's killer Grandma.
• Running Gag:
  • Jokes about walnuts (specifically the concept of a walnut ranch^note A ranch raises livestock, hence the jokes comparing walnuts and cattle), pauses and Jodie's Maverick. And rednecks.
  • "Stop it!"
  • "This is where the fish lives."
  • Crow suggesting Secret Santa gifts for Mike to get the family in the movie.
  • Jokes about the frequent pauses in conversations.
  • Jokes about old people vis-à-vis Lucinda.
• Scenery Censor: Melissa's topless scene is still in the MST3K cut, her breasts are just conveniently hidden by the seats. Though there is a split second glimpse of her nipples that remains in the episode.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: When the end credits suddenly go nuts, Mike and the Bots quickly vacate the theater in terror.
• Shout-Out:
  • When Lucinda kills the police officer, there's a joke about calling Harvey Keitel in to "fix" things, a la his character Winston "The Wolf" Wolfe in Pulp Fiction.
  • Some demonic characters from The Screwtape Letters are referenced during the opening credits.
    Crow: "With Screwtape on kettledrum, Wormwood on harpsichord."
  • To Monty Python's Flying Circus, when the character Melissa shows a new friend her shed:
    Crow: If she had another one of those, she could be Melissa Two-Sheds Strickland.
    (later, when the shed is burning down)
    Crow: Aw, now she's Melissa No-Sheds Strickland.
  • Brain Guy's "friend" at bedtime is a little stuffed Cookie Monster.
  • During Lucinda's freakout in the attic, Mike likens her to Poopdeck Pappy.
• Take That!:
  • Famous people compared to Satan in this episode include David Spade and Michael Eisner.
  • When Melissa's grandma-sister Lucinda sits in front of her mirror, an annoyed Crow complains that now "a withered old Billy Zane is going to come out and give her a withered old Coeur De La Mer."
• Temporary Substitute: Steffi the babysitter.
• Too Dumb to Live: In-Universe when Jody gets called out at the end with, "So we're both in the clutches of the Devil because you wanted seconds."
• Unfortunate Names: Lampshaded when lead actress Emby Mellay's name comes up in the opening titles.^note (Her actual full name is Emma Beth Mellay; "Emby" was a childhood nickname that she adopted for her acting career)
  Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.
• Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Bobo may be a talking ape, but Steffi's more focused on him chewing up her shoe... again.
• Visual Pun: After Jodie leaves Ellen's Café, Crow asks, "What was Anne Heche doin' in there?" That riff got funnier after Ellen and Anne split up.
• Way Past the Expiration Date: Mike's canned wassail for the bots turns out to have expired in the Year of Our Lord 1547.
  Crow: "Yeah, that's a pretty old born-on date."
• With Lyrics: To Amazing Freaking Grace no less: "This song is in / The public domain / That's why we used it twiiice~"
  • Servo also creates lyrics to the background music many times in the film.
  Servo: (singing) ...When there's just a touch of Satan in your heart!

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Melissa: This is where the fish lives.

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