Quotes / "Shaggy Dog" Story

CIA Superior: What did we learn, Palmer?
Palmer: I don't know, sir.
CIA Superior: I don't fuckin' know either. I guess we learned not to do it again.
Palmer: Yes, sir.
CIA Superior: I'm fucked if I know what we did.

—Burn After Reading

Questioner #1: Did you ever find out what it means?
Jerry: No, I didn't.
Questioner #2: What did you find out about him, Jerry?
Jerry: Not much really.

—Citizen Kane

I said to him "O-Orville, not every story has to have significance, y'know? Sometimes, uh, y'know, sometimes a story is just a story. You try to read into every little thing and find meaning in everything anyone says you'll just drive yourself crazy. Had a friend do it once - Wasn't pretty. We talked about it for years. And not only that, but you'll likely end up believing something you shouldn't believe, thinking something you shouldn't think, o-or assuming something you shouldn't assume, y'know?"

— Mr. Hippo, Ultimate Custom Night, ironically in the middle of a Shaggy Dog Story

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

— Abe Simpson, The Simpsons

Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End.

— Patrick telling the story of The Ugly Barnacle, Spongebob Squarepants

I paused to take a long drink of water. I could feel my small audience leaning toward me. "Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once: Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy’s ass fell off."

— Kvothe, The Kingkiller Chronicle

In the annals of stupid, screwed-up, pointless missions that was the stupidest, most pointless of all.

— Marco, Animorphs #28: The Experiment

I just don't understand why. What was the point of this? Of being lied to? Of thinking someone loved me and having them actually not, of just using me? What's the point of that? Was it a lesson? Was I supposed to learn something?

— Spike, in the last line of dialogue of "Not The Same"

You know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

— Neal, Planes, Trains and Automobiles

So, moral of the story here is that— No, you know what? Not even I can find anything resembling a moral here. Not all stories have a point to them. Sometimes they're just sad and disgusting from beginning to end. ...And now a word from our sponsor!

— Sam O'Nella Academy, "Tarrare, the Hungriest Man in History"

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

—Linkin Park, "In The End"

>be me, oldest son of a modest noble house.

>At age 7 my family sends me away to the local lord to begin training as a page. I am tutored in manners, reading and writing. I must do chores for my master in exchange for lessons in wrestling, swordsmanship and hunting

>At age 14, I am a fully fledged squire going into battles with my master. We have started serious lessons in riding, swimming, and the use of different weapons such as maces, lances, battle axes, etc. I must also learn how to dance, as social graces are very important.

>At age 21, my 14 years of loyalty and hard work have been recognized and I have received my knighthood. I spent a ludicrous amount of gold on a destrier, and armor emblazoned with the family crest. I have memorized the chivalric code, and extensively studied warfare strategy such as troop formation and siege tactics. I raise my sword for God, King and country, and am in good standing with the local lords and ladies.

>such is my honor that I have been deemed worthy of guarding the Round Table and stand by King Arthur himself

>get there

>see this fuck

>leave

— Anonymous /co/ user, on Ruber's presence at the Round Table

He's got this dream about buyin' some land
He's gonna give up the booze and the one-night stands
And then he'll settle down, there's a quiet little town
And forget about everything
But you know he'll always keep movin'
You know he's never gonna stop movin'
'Cause he's rollin', he's the rollin' stone

— Gerry Rafferty, "Baker Street"

Mac: Jesus Christ, dude, we are gonna lose our jobs!
Charlie: Well, calm down, 'cos here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: 'Cos we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?!
Charlie: Yeah. About three days ago a couple of pink slips came in the mail - one for you, one for me - so what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia, okay?!
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs, that means we've lost our health insurance, which means all of this was for nothing! God damnit, dude! I am having a panic attack! I am actually having a panic attack!

—It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "Sweet Dee Has A Heart Attack"

"I'm sure you know by now, that this won't end well. Soon, you will be all alone... but that's okay. Before we say goodbye, I'll let you in on a little secret... what you do from here on, won't serve any purpose. You will never see the full picture... and it's all your own fault."

—Richard, Hotline Miami