Thank You for Taking Care of our Enchanted and Haunted Castle is a short story by Emma Marris which was released on the website McSweeney's. It details a letter given to someone congratulating them on their new castle and giving them advice on how to maintain it's upkeep. However, the castle may be more special then it seems and the owner may be more stuck than they had hoped for...
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Tropes in this article:
- Big Fancy Castle: The titular castle is so big that the previous owners note that exploring all of it thoroughly would take about a decade to do so.
- Bookcase Passage: According to the letter, a secret passage exists between the library and the kitchen, accessible by pulling out Guillaume le Clerc’s Bestiary from one of the bookcases.
- Chariot Pulled by Cats: According to the letter, the Fairy Queen should be expected to show up in a chariot pulled by 13 swans.
- Closed Circle: As part of the Curse inflicted by the Fairy Queen, the owners of the castle are not allowed to venture more than one mile from it.
- Curse: The first owner of the castle was cursed by the Fairy Queen, becoming immortal at the cost of not being able to properly leave the castle. There are two Curse Escape Clauses however, one of which leads to the recipient of the letter being given the curse instead. Additionally, according to the letter, the previous owners have since moved on to ironic curses, meaning that they don't technically need their dungeons anymore.
- Curse Escape Clause: There are two ways to break the curse - one is to guess the correct age of the Fairy Queen. The other (and the one who the previous owners of the castle used) is to invite a guest over, then swap shoes with them and give them the curse instead.
- Giant Flyer: The previous owners make their getaway from the castle on top of giant flying crows, who apparently have a thing for Cheetos.
- The Fair Folk: The Fairy Queen, who apparently cursed the first inhabitants of the castle and expects even the succeeding owners to prepare a lavish feast and treasures of gold for her every year. At least she gives them the chance to break the curse.
- Flash Fiction: The article is only several paragraphs long.
- Haunted Castle: As the title suggests, the story is about a castle which contains all sorts of ghosts within. Luckily, they are for the most part harmless - it's really the Curse that one should be worried about...
- Locked in the Dungeon: The previous owners of the castle used to throw their enemies into the dungeon, although they've haven't been doing it since they figured out how to do ironic curses. Albert seems to like it though, considering the fact that he refuses to leave them.
- No Name Given: Neither the people who have written the letter nor the person who has just been given the curse get any names.
- Our Ghosts Are Different: As the name suggests, ghosts reside in the castle. They are for the most part straightforward, being capable of moaning, chain rattling, appearing out of tapestry, etc. There's one called the "Red Lady" which is also capable of manifesting red blood however.
- Pegasus: There's a winged horse named Bucephalus who resides in the stables of the castle. Pity that any rider who isn't pure of heart is doomed to die...
- You Do Not Want To Know: At the end of the letter, the writers of the letter mention a mirror with a black velvet cloth on it in one of the tower rooms and warns the recipient to not remove the cloth and look into the mirror.
