Funny / Kings of the Wyld

• Clay facepalming when he realizes that Gabe sold Vellichor, literally the most valuable artifact in existence. He recalls that when the Archon gave the sword to Gabe, he said something in a language none of them knew. Clay is pretty sure he wasn't saying "Sell this if you need to."
• While telling Tally a story about him and some mermaids he helped during his time in Saga, Clay is keen to leave out the part where he found out more than a few answers to the Mermaid Problem. And he's still confused about it.
• The reason for Clay being called Slowhand? He's often the first to get smacked in a fight.
• Clay having to push Gabe into Kallorek's pond (oh, sorry, "pool") in order to stop the booker's temper from flaring. It does the job.
• Back then, Valery protested against the killing of monsters...by setting Saga's arogsy on fire. Twice.
  • After she left her protest group, the Getalongs, they got invited to a centaur's feast. They weren't aware that they would be said feast, so Val got off easy.
• While mulling over the future he hopes to have with Ginny (them opening a large inn where he can retire), he wonders, should they get a stag's head mounted on the wall, if people really want the glassy stare of a dead animal hovering over them as they eat.
• Moog's tower has a living knocker named Steve, and it talks just like one would if they had a big metal ring in their mouth.
• Clay and Gabriel being utterly creeped out by how Moog's bedroom is filled to the brim with glow-in-the-dark spiders that vaguely resemble stars. The irony of being perturbed by this and not the other horrors they've seen in all their years is not lost on Clay.
• Kallorek sends his men into Moog's tower to capture them. Moog distracts them by detonating his phylactery. The one he invented to cure impotence. When one of the thugs comes through the portal after them, he has a Raging Stiffie. Matrick almost dies laughing.
  Clay: [gesturing to the thug] Do you, uh, need a minute?
• Matrick politely declines the offer to rejoin the band, and Clay quickly sees why. He's a beloved king who by all accounts is doing a great job, a shockingly good father with five beautiful children, and more food than he could ever want. Sure his wife is cheating on him, but you can't have everything. Then once they're alone, Matrick turns to the others and calmly says "Get me the fuck out of here."
• All of Matrick's children are bastards. It took him an embarrassingly long time to figure it out.
  Matrick: I am saying I was fishing in Phantra when the twins were conceived. I'm saying that Lillian has her father's eyes—and mine aren't fucking blue! I'm saying Kerrick is bigger at ten than I was at twenty, and Danigan, well... You'd think the red hair would tip me off, wouldn't you? But oh no, it took me four more kids to realize they all looked a bit like Lilith and a little like the castle librarian, or the ambassador from Narmeer, or the bloody rose gardener—who I thought was gay, by the way. No offense, Moog.
  Moog: Why would I—
  Matrick: And now she's pregnant again? [laughs bitterly] I'll bet my kingdom that boy comes out tall as a tree and as hungry for his mothers' tits as noble Sir Lokan, that flea-bitten Kaskar whoreson!
• When Matrick is Faking the Dead, the others are horrified that he's getting a Viking Funeral, imperiling him. So, Clay elects himself to be the one to fire the flaming arrow, and intentionally half-asses it again and again. When Lilith's new consort tries doing it, he makes him lose his aim by bringing up the possibility of his new kid. Then Lilith reveals that Matrick's going over a waterfall with jagged rocks at the bottom.
• Clay thinking to himself that all the enemies they've made so far should just sit back and let them kill themselves going to the Heartwyld.
• Moog's whistle that is supposed to turn spears into snakes. The whistle translates "Spear" as "any long, thin rod of wood". And Moog blows it in a forest glade.
• Jain and her Silk Arrows robbing the band. Repeatedly. The second time, they even make the band breakfast with the food they're about to steal.
  Matrick: What a nice bunch of girls.
  Gabe: They certainly were.
  Moog: I mean, they made us breakfast and everything.
  Clay: Y'all are fucking crazy.
• While at Dinantra's place, Matrick checks himself in a mirror that seems to have a living reflection while Moog fiddles around with an ancestral bust. He's then seen holding a broken-off snake and trying to blow it off like a kid trying to get out of trouble.
• After nearly two decades of being a stone statue in the Quarry, what does Ganelon have to say when Saga frees him?
  "You all look like shit."
• Saga is having a respite at the Riot House tavern. A recent mercenary band, the Screaming Eagles, makes a scene while mocking the has-beens. Swords are drawn. Ganelon set his beer down. One paragraph equivalent of a Smash Cut later, and apparently bards to this day are still debating as to how the Riot House burned to the ground on that day.
  • One of the accounts, Fire and Feathers, involves an especially intense pillow fight. Another Drinking and Dragons, claims that Matrick vomited on a candle and set a table on fire after getting absolutely wasted.
• During the awesome fight against the chimera, Moog attempts a lightning spell that instead electrocutes him, causing his hair to go frayed and him to be temporarily incapacitated.
• When Moog tells Vanguard how he had to put his dog down after a botched ressurection, Edwick wonders which is more horrifying: the fact that it Came Back Wrong, or that he named it Sir Fluffy.
• The lead-up to Saga's raid on Kallorek's mansion is at first really cool...until Moog falls into the mud by accident. They manage to save face with the actual heist, at least.
• One of the many rather vulgar paintings in Kallorek's ship, The Carnal Court, is one depicting him fully nude with a female centaur engaging in "horse play".
• The Fact that NO ONE is perturbed by Clay murdering Kallorek via tossing him off of their skyship. Even he, who initially felt guilty over it, decides that it solved half their problems, and that maybe they should invite Lilith on a "friendly cruise".
• As Larkspur and her monks attack their skyship, Clay tries to tell Moog something, but gets cut off. He manages to get the message across later:
  ''FLY. THE FUCKING. SHIP!''
• Tetrea is the world's chess analogue. Clay has never won a game in his life, including an extremely embarrassing loss to his nine year-old daughter.
  • Turns out, Ganelon and Sabbatha are AVID Tetrea players, and spend their entire time during a rest playing it. It escalates into them making love during the night.
• During their stay with Taino the witch doctor troll, one of the possessions he shares is a book about troll love-making. With illustrations. Clay considers the reading of Taino's favorite pages to be the most awkward moment of his life.
  • Later, Taino gets all of Saga (and Sabbatha) totally BAKED on mudweed. While Clay's trip is a bit more dramatic, the absurdity of medieval weed is there.
• Near Akatung's lair is a statue of Elavis, an old hero who challenged the champions of Exarchs back in the day. He supposedly died falling through a latrine and drowning in the sewage. Also, that name.
• When the Battle of the Bands begins, the narration states that battles like this aren't glorious. Rather, the word clusterfuck comes to mind.
• Gabe giving Lastleaf a repeated Shut Up, Hannibal!, obviously tired of this druin trying to justify the madness.
• Moog getting attacked by his own staff and wrangling it as he tries to survive the fight.
• During the final battle, Clay encounters a minotaur that just will not die. He considers that it will be difficult for him to explain this story to his daughter.
  What's that, honey? What was I doing while Uncle Gabe was duelling a god with all of civilization at stake? Why, I was wrestling in the muck with an exceptionally tenacious cow.
• Clay returns home to discover that the rumored centaur mentioned all the way back in the beginning was Real After All... and his nine year-old daughter killed it.