History Funny / TheTonightShowStarringJohnnyCarson

** In the 4/1/81 episode, in between the jokes, one person in the audience can be heard coughing. Johnny draws attention to it:

* 1965: Supposedly, the longest continual laughter in live TV goes to a Carson ''Tonight'' episode. His guest was actor/singer Ed Ames, who at the time was starring as Mingo on ''Series/DanielBoone'' and had claimed that in the course of his work he'd learned how to throw a tomahawk. Carson produced a cowboy outline on a board, and Ames lobbed the tomahawk at it. It hit the board successfully, but slammed in right at [[GroinAttack the figure's crotch]], starting the thunderous laughter. When the laughing began to die down, Carson quipped "I didn't even know you were Jewish!", starting it all up again. (Even funnier was Carson's followup remark: "Welcome to ''Frontier Bris''!") The crowner, however, came after the laughter from ''that'' finally started to taper off, and Ames asked Carson if ''he'' wanted to try throwing the tomahawk. Carson looked at Ames, then at the cowboy outline, then back at Ames, and said "I can't hurt him any worse than you did!"

--> '''Doc''': I suppose you'll be home with the family, having turkey... ''(Johnny laughs hard)'' Just a typical American family.\\

--> Mount St. Helens erupted again. Blew the top clean off. Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

--> '''Ed''': Envelope #1.\\

** Three words: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76wzA2A2T1Q "Sis Boom Bah!",]] perhaps the funniest "Carnac the Magnificent" prompt. Johnny and Ed are already struggling to keep straight faces as Johnny holds the envelope against his turban, and when he finally tears open the envelope and reads the card - "Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes!" - it takes nearly a minute before they can stop laughing for long enough to move on to the next envelope. They both struggle to hold the rest of the segment together through their laughter.

--> '''Ed''': We're professionals. We're grown men. We can handle this.\\

--> '''Ed''': I hold in my hands, the envelopes. My four-and-a-half year old daughter Catherine Mary can tell that these envelopes are hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a mayonnaisse jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. NO ONE! knows the answers inside these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers, without even knowing, heretofore the questions. Isn't that correct, sir?\\

--> '''Johnny''': May a sickly water buffa- buffalo... soil your... aw, who gives a... ''(audience laughs)''\\

** In the 4/1/81 episode, in-between the jokes, one person in the audience can be heard coughing. Johnny draws attention to it:
--> '''Johnny''': No coughing while Carnac is...\\

--> '''Johnny''': During the rainy season, and When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano. ''(opens envelope)'' What do you need an umbrella- ''when'' do you need an umbrella- ''for why'' do you need- who cares. ''(cracks up and walks off)''

--> '''Ed''': Would you like to pick up the one you threw away?\\

--> '''Johnny''': Tommy Lasorda, Roger Ebert, Marla Maples. ''(opens envelope)'' Name someone who's bumped an ump, someone who's plump in the rump, and someone who's dumped the Trump.

--> '''Johnny''': Green Acres. ''(opens envelope)'' What would Kermit the Frog be holding if you kicked him in the wrong place?
* Any of the Charles Grodin interviews. So many great passive-aggressive remarks (PlayedForLaughs, of course). One of the best [[RunningGag running gags]] involved Carson deriding Grodin's book because it was [[CrackIsCheaper $18.95]]. Grodin asked, "Is that too much, for a lifetime of experience?" Carson snarked, "Well I suppose not, if you're... Mother Teresa." This comment would be referenced numerous times in subsequent interviews, and one of Grodin's last appearances, he had a paperback re-issue out that was only $9.95. Carson said, "Well ''now'' we're talkin'!"
--> '''Carson''': Shoulda started out $9.95, then this would be $4.65 by now!

--> '''Charles''': What's the worst job ''you've'' ever had?\\

--> '''Johnny''': I feel like this is a K-Mart tonight! You're just goin' down the aisle: "Uh, gimme one of those, gimme a movie, gimme a book!"

--> '''Charles''': [[SarcasmMode This is exciting television.]] A man looking in an index.\\

--> '''Johnny''': Freddy, you wanna put the stamps away and talk to me for a sec? ''(cut to Fred, who's laughing hysterically)''

--> '''Johnny''': ''(smiling wide)'' You really think you're fooling everybody, don't you?
* Barney Odum had his dog Flatnose on the show, who could climb trees. Bandleader Doc Severinsen said before the show that if the dog could truly climb the tree on the set, he would kiss Flatnose on an unnamed body part (use your imagination). This was brought up a few times on the episode itself. Doubly funny in [[HilariousInHindsight hindsight]]: The segment with Flatnose is what caused Creator/IanMcKellen to be bumped from the episode, because they ran out of time.

--> '''Woman''': ''(glassy-eyed)'' What ''will'' we do?\\

--> '''Husband''': ''(comes into the bedroom)'' I brought the Colonel [KFC] home!\\

--> '''Johnny''': That concludes "Nothing", tonight's episode. Join me next week, when we bring you "The Edge of ''Nothing''."

--> '''Johnny''': This is going right into the toilet.

--> '''Johnny''': ''(after much audience laughter)'' That was a long time ago, wasn't it?

--> "Little to the left, Minnie! Higher! Higher!"

--> '''Johnny''': You ''asked'' for this. I was for the phobias myself.\\

--> '''Johnny''': ''(upon returning)'' Trained all my life as a professional comedian... "go to a clinic", the place goes mad.\\

* Albert Brooks brought out "Buddy", a Speak & Spell that "responded" to questions and commands:
--> '''Albert''': Buddy, say hi to the audience.\\

* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CL2mfrHpuEk famous monkey]] nicknamed "Doc" that Jim Fowler brought on in 1982. Not only did he knock over the chair on a table ''twice'', he punched Johnny in the mouth! And in moments afterwards not usually shown on retrospectives, Johnny taunts Doc by spitting a bunch of grapes at him!

--> '''Johnny''': If you happen to be a, I hate the word "celebrity", don't you? If you're well-known, you get requests from a lot of organizations to do what they call public service announcements.\\

--> '''Johnny''': "Dear Mr. Inc.:"

--> '''Johnny''': A lot of people ask: Why ''do'' a sketch like this?

--> '''Johnny''': ''(after much audience laughter)'' You have six teeth missing, would you like to try for seven?

* Any time Johnny is obliged to soft shoe dance when a joke (or a series of jokes) bomb.
--> '''Doc''': We were just sayin' if things don't pick up for you in a minute, we'd have a little dance music for ya.
* In one episode, Johnny interviewed Florence Hodges, a 93-year old nurse that [[{{Workaholic}} still worked seven days a week]], despite probably not needing to.

--> '''Johnny''': They missed a big scene chance there. They should've had Nixon step on Ford's toe, and Nixon says, "Pardon me." And Ford says, "Sure."

--> '''Johnny''': We have a certain "element" here on Friday nights... you never trust an audience that comes in a bus with chicken wire on the windows.

** There's also the one from 1982 where Johnny kept accidentally grabbing the wrong item, [[BlandNameProduct a Gyps-U Knife.]] It was featured in the "Best of 70's and 80's" special.
--> '''Johnny''': We have so many bargains for you, I get mixed up sometimes!

--> '''Johnny''': Aw screw it, let's go! ''(takes Jim Thompson by the hand and walks off the set)''

--> '''Johnny''': "How do you get to be president?" "You make movies and smile while you lie."

--> '''Johnny''': I'm a smidgen more gloomy.\\

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0LWfDPn1CU This professor sketch from 1981.]] Ed kept getting tongue-tied when setting up the punchlines, finally causing Johnny to declare: "You really ''suck'' tonight!" He then invited a member of the studio audience up to take Ed's place in reading the last set-up. But then the ''audience member'' got tongue tied. Johnny immediately pointed for them to go back to their seat.

* The night before Johnny's final show, Robin Williams was one of the guests. After being introduced and greeted by Johnny and Ed, he goes off and improvs, as per usual. At one point, after making a particularly off-color remark, he quips, "If that gets bleeped, good luck!" Chuckling, Carson replies, "We're outta here after tomorrow, what do I care?" Williams almost collapses out of his seat in laughter.

** In the Robin Williams episode from 1982, Doc was off that night and Johnny asked Tommy where Doc is. Tommy's response is hilarious:

* 1965: Supposedly, the longest continual laughter in live TV goes to a Carson ''Tonight'' episode. His guest was actor/singer Ed Ames, who at the time was starring as Mingo on ''Series/DanielBoone'' and had claimed that in the course of his work he'd learned how to throw a tomahawk. Carson produced a cowboy outline on a board, and Ames lobbed the tomahawk at it. It hit the board successfully, but slammed in right at [[GroinAttack the figure's crotch]], starting the thunderous laughter. When the laughter started to die down, Carson quipped "I didn't even know you were Jewish!", starting it all up again. (Even funnier still was Carson's followup remark: "Welcome to ''Frontier Bris''!") The crowner, though, has to be when the laughter had finally started to die down, and Ames asked Carson if ''he'' wanted to try throwing the tomahawk. Carson looked at Ames, then at the cowboy outline, then back at Ames, and said "I can't hurt him any worse than you did!"

* 1965: Supposedly, the longest continual laughter in live TV goes to a Carson ''Tonight'' episode. His guest was actor/singer Ed Ames, who at the time was starring as Mingo on ''Series/DanielBoone'' and had claimed that in the course of his work he'd learned how to throw a tomahawk. Carson produced a cowboy outline on a board, and Ames lobbed the tomahawk at it. It hit the board successfully, but slammed in right at [[GroinAttack the figure's crotch]], starting the thunderous laughter. When the laughter started to die down, Carson quipped "I didn't even know you were Jewish!" starting it all up again. (Even funnier still was Carson's followup remark: "Welcome to ''Frontier Bris''!") The crowner, though, has to be when the laughter had finally started to die down, and Ames asked Carson if ''he'' wanted to try throwing the tomahawk. Carson looked at Ames, then at the cowboy outline, then back at Ames, and said "I can't hurt him any worse than you did!"

* 1969: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0 George Gobel's appearance]], put in the impossible position of having to follow Creator/BobHope and Music/DeanMartin. "Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?" Of course, the best part of that interview was how Dean Martin kept discreetly tapping his cigarette ashes into Gobel's drink!

* 1968: The ''Franchise/{{Dragnet}}'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpVjW30I-YU parody]] with Carson and Jack Webb. "Clean copper clappers."

'''Doc''': I mean, when you ask an employee, in front of fifteen million people, "Do you want to come to the house for Thanksgiving?", what am I gonna say? "Noooo." You know what I say? "Yes, Mr. Carson, I'd LOVE it."\\

* 1965: Supposedly, the longest continual laughter in live TV goes to a Carson ''Tonight'' episode. His guest was actor/singer Ed Ames, who at the time was starring as Mingo on ''Series/DanielBoone'' and had claimed that in the course of his work he'd learned how to throw a tomahawk. Carson produced a cowboy outline on a board, and Ames lobbed the tomahawk at it. It hit the board successfully, but slammed in right at [[GroinAttack the figure's crotch]], starting the thunderous laughter. When the laughter started to die down, Carson quipped "I didn't even know you were ''Jewish''!" starting it all up again. (Even funnier still was Carson's followup remark: "Welcome to ''Frontier Bris''!") The crowner, though, has to be when the laughter had finally started to die down, and Ames asked Carson if ''he'' wanted to try throwing the tomahawk. Carson looked at Ames, then at the cowboy outline, then back at Ames, and said, "I can't hurt him any worse than you did!"

* 1965: Supposedly, the longest continual laughter in live TV goes to a Carson ''Tonight'' episode. His guest was actor/singer Ed Ames, who claimed that in the course of his work he had learned how to throw a tomahawk. Carson produced a cowboy outline on a board, and Ames lobbed the tomahawk at it. It hit the board successfully, but slammed in right at [[GroinAttack the figure's crotch]], starting the thunderous laughter. When the laughter started to die down, Carson quipped "I didn't even know you were ''Jewish''!" starting it all up again. (Even funnier still was Carson's followup remark: "Welcome to ''Frontier Bris''!") The crowner though has to be when the laughter finally started to die down, and Ames asked Carson if he wanted to try throwing the tomahawk. Carson looked at Ames, then at the cowboy outline, then back at Ames and said, "I can't hurt him any worse than you did!"

* 1969: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEkR5WFlw0 George Gobel's appearance]], put in the impossible position of having to follow Creator/BobHope and Dean Martin. "Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?" Of course, the best part of that interview was how Dean Martin kept discreetly tapping his cigarette ashes into Gobel's drink!

* November 1979: Prior to Thanksgiving, Johnny [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d55S9EYtHbw talked]] with Doc Severinsen about their respective plans for the holiday. Before long the two of them had each other, and the audience, in stitches.
--> '''Doc''': I suppose you'll be home with the family, turkey... ''(Johnny laughs hard)'' just a typical American family.\\
'''Johnny''': Look, if you want to c- if you really feel badly, now I feel so terrible that you're gonna be alone. Would you...\\

'''Johnny''': You can come over- would you like to come over to the house?\\
'''Doc''': This is the first time you've ever asked.\\
'''Johnny''': You made me feel so guilty!\\
'''Doc''': I mean, when you ask an employee in front of fifteen million people, "Do you want to come to the house for Thanksgiving?", what am I gonna say? "Noooo." You know what I say? "Yes, Mr. Carson, I'd LOVE it."\\

'''Doc''': No. ''(Johnny laughs and plops a kleenex box on the desk so they can dry their tears of laughter)''
* 1981: Johnny acting out how Walter Cronkite should have done his final newscast, ranging from asking to stop the "tickety-tickety" noise after 19 years to reading a story as Porky Pig.
--> Mount St. Helens erupted again. Blew the top clean off. Th-th-th-th-that's all folks!

** The final Carnac joke of the entire series, in late 1991:
--> '''Johnny''': Tommy Lasorda, Roger Ebert, Marla Maples. ''(opens envelope)'' Name someone who's buttoning up, someone who's plump in the rump, and someone who's dumped the Trump.

** Similarly, another desk bit had Johnny reading an auto-generated letter that had abbreviated something to "Ass". He had a good time reading some of it: "As you can see, ''Ass''..."

* Right at the top of a 1977 interview with Creator/JamesCaan, some random audience member shouted "I have to run, see you later, Johnny." Everyone is puzzled.