History Funny / Ted2024

* Blaire's response is a YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe look followed by a {{Facepalm}}.

-->'''Ted''': Okay. How about this?\\
'''Ted'''/'''John''': ♫That's the Monster Mash!♫\\
'''Ted''': It's hard being Black!\\

** Blaire's response is a YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe look followed by a {{Facepalm}}.

'''Ted''': ♫It's hard being Black!♫\\

'''Ted''': This fucking goddamn night.\\

'''Ted''': We're all going to die!\\

* John and Ted's deciding to leave after they find their porno in Susan's drawer, meaning she watched it, [[OverlyLongGag leading to them lament the house's dilapidated state.]]
-->'''John''': I'm gonna miss this house... Goodbye water-stained ceilings.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, windows painted shut.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, medicine cabinet with [[{{Squick}} black mold in the corner]].\\
'''Ted''': Jesus, let's get the fuck outta here!\\
'''John''': Yeah, no shit!

* Ted and John take getting high for the first time so seriously, they dress up in suits and say grace before lighting one up. The next scene has them walking in slow-motion to [[Music/WarBand "Low Rider"]] before it cuts to reality, where the two were singing the song while stoned.

* At the end of episode 3, John swears to Blaire that he will never masturbate again. The narrator confirms he will keep the promise... for two years, after which he will discover the internet, damn near yank his penis off, masturbate four more times, then go to urgent care and wait in line behind other men who discovered the internet. The narrator then goes on to say that nowadays, most people you meet will have jerked off in the last 20 minutes.

* Ted's debate with Father Odell regarding his own birth and how it compares to Jesus:
-->'''Father Odell:''' Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, marked by the star of Bethlehem, a miraculous beacon from the heavens.\\
'''Ted:''' There was a star there. ''(to John)'' There was a star, right?\\
'''John:''' Yeah, no, it was a shooting star.\\
'''Ted:''' I had a star. Yeah.\\
'''Father Odell:''' Jesus had a divine purpose. God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us.\\
'''Ted:''' ''(presses his voice box to play the "I love you!" sound)'' Your move, Friar Tuck.
* John and Ted's deciding to leave after they find their porno in Susan's drawer, meaning she watched it, [[OverlyLongGag leading to them lament the house's dilapidated state.]]
-->'''John''': I'm gonna miss this house... Goodbye water-stained ceilings.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, windows painted shut.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago.\\
'''Ted''': Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags.\\
'''John''': Goodbye, medicine cabinet with [[{{Squick}} black mold in the corner]].\\
'''Ted''': Jesus, let's get the fuck outta here!\\
'''John''': Yeah, no shit!

-->'''Ted''': Well, wait a minute, why don't we just tell the cops that we started drinking after we crashed? Right, we were so pissed about the crash, that we had nine beers.\\

* This exchange in the sixth episode, when Matty insinuates John is gay for choosing to stay inside and decorate Christmas cookies instead of helping him shovel ice, before [[HypocriticalHumor tossing his scarf over his shoulder as he goes outside]]:

'''Ted''': ''[Returning, breathing heavily]'' Whew! Didn’t even run that far. ''[chuckles]'' ''[panting]'' So… Bollywood, is that you guys?\\

-->'''Ted:''' I think if we all just take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to-''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere (runs away before he can finish and Blaire starts chasing after him)]]'' FUCK!

-->'''Ted:''' I think if we all just take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to-''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere (runs away before he can finish and Blaire starts chasing after him)]]'' \\
'''Blaire:''' FUCK!

-->'''Ted:''' I think if we all just take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to-''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere (runs away before he can finish and Blaire starts chasing after him)]]''

-->'''Ted:''' I think if we all just take a couple of deep breaths here and just try to-''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere (runs away before he can finish and Blaire starts chasing after him)]]'' FUCK!

* This exchange in the sixth episode:
-->'''Blaire''': Well, it is always the homophobes.\\

'''Ted''': I mean, if I was a homophobe, wouldn’t I see a gay guy and be like, AAH! A gay guy! Run!\\

'''Ted''': ''[breathing heavily]'' Whew! Didn’t even run that far. ''[chuckles]'' ''[panting]'' So… Bollywood, is that you guys?\\

* The Halloween episode features Ted and Blaire getting [[UsefulNotes/McDonalds McDonald’s]] apple pies to eat, where they are too hot to eat, to where they twice catch on ''fire''.

'''John''': Yeah, no shit!

-->'''Matty''': [[BestialityIsDepraved I jacked off a dog]] in Vietnam!

* At the end of episode 3, John swears to Blaire that he will never masturbate again. The narrator confirms he will keep the promise… for two years, after which he will discover the internet, damn near yank his penis off, masturbate four more times, then go to urgent care and wait in line behind other men who discovered the internet. The narrator then goes on to say that nowadays, most people you mean will have jerked off in the last 20 minutes.

* John and Ted's deciding to leave after they find their porno in Susan's drawer, meaning she watched it, [[OverlyLongGag leading to them lament the house's dilapidating state.]]

-->'''Ted:''' If you don’t come with me, I will tell her you masturbate to network television.
-->'''John:''' You motherfucker!
-->'''Ted:''' I will tell her you watch ''Series/FullHouse'' so you can jerk off to Creator/LoriLoughlin, but that you can’t always predict how long the scene is, so half the time, you ejaculate to an establishing shot.
-->'''John:''' You ''wouldn't!''
-->'''Ted:''' ''(making a "jerking off" hand motion)'' Oh, Lori....Oh, Lori....Oh, Lor—''oh fuck, a tasteful duplex!''

-->'''Matty''': [[BestialityIsDepraved I jacked off a dog!]]

-->'''Matty''': [[BeastialityIsDepraved I jacked off a dog!]]

* John and Ted's deciding to leave after they find [[spoiler:their porno in Susan's drawer, meaning she watched it]], [[OverlyLongGag leading to them lament the house's dilapidating state.]]