History Funny / ChristopherTitus

-->'''Titus''': If she was negotiating for the US, ''we would be nuked [[CanadaEh by Canada]]''.

** Apparently Music/BruceSpringsteen got into Titus' show because his teenaged son had the DVD's. Initially though, his son watched it alone in his room, and Bruce said: "He's a teenaged boy. [[ADateWithRosiePalms I didn't wanna know what he was doin']]."

** When he gives his list of what men secretly ''haaaaate'' about women. In order: [[StockShticks how emotional women are]] ("I guarantee you, I have never had a conversation with another man that went like this: 'Hey dude, where do you want to go for lunch?' 'I AM NOT MY MOTHER!'"), having to meet their family (complete with an explanation of the "Douchebag Test"), and -- above all else -- [[BerserkButton capri pants]].

** Also, the FunnyAneurysmMoment where Bruce's wife Patty, and later Bruce himself, call Titus's personal phone.

** "I thought my dad was lazy. Turns out he was just resting."

'''Titus''': ...oh. [[ShockingSwerve Okay, that's a new one]].

* In ''Born With A Defect'', the finale tells of one of the worst times he and his ex-wife Erin met to exchange the kids. It got so bad the LAPD had to be called out to his location for the level of disturbance he and Erin were causing in their complete inability to be around each other for more than five seconds. After Titus drove home from the pickup site before the police could arrive to assess the situation, they showed up at his house under the impression he was abusing both his kids; it also didn't help that he answered the door holding a huge wine glass full of [NotWhatItLooksLike red vegetable juice]]. After both kids vouched for him, one officer turns to Titus and says to him, "If ''that'' was my ex-wife, I'd be drinking this early, too."

* In ''Born With A Defect'', the finale tells of one of the worst times he and his ex-wife Erin met to exchange the kids. It got so bad the LAPD had to be called out to his location for the level of disturbance he and Erin were causing in their complete inability to be around each other for more than five seconds. After Titus drove home from the pickup site before the police could arrive to assess the situation, they showed up at his house under the impression he was abusing both his kids; it also didn't help that he answered the door holding a huge wine glass full of [[TheAlcoholic red]][[NotWhatItLooksLike red vegetable juice]]. After both kids vouched for him, one officer turns to Titus and says to him, "If ''that'' was my ex-wife, I'd be drinking this early, too."

* Also from ''Amerigeddon'', he talks about how he started drinking again, which wasn't the problem. What ''was'' the problem was the fact that his wife gave him a Benadryl right before he went to bed so he wouldn't snore, and Titus was unfortunately unaware that "wine, plus wine, plus wine, plus Benadryl equals 'Oh my God, no!'" The next morning, he wakes from the deepest, heaviest sleep he's ever had in his life feeling energized and awake, but with a grumpy wife and his dogs behaving oddly. His wife tries to "noise him into an argument" all day, until he finally snaps.

* Also from ''Amerigeddon'', he talks about how he started drinking again, which wasn't the problem. What ''was'' the problem was the fact that his wife gave him a Benadryl right before he went to bed so he wouldn't snore, and Titus was unfortunately unaware that "wine, plus wine, plus wine, plus Benadryl equals 'Oh my God, no!'" The next morning, he wakes up with a grumpy wife and his dogs behaving oddly. His wife tries to "noise him into an argument" all day, until he finally snaps.

* Also from ''Amerigeddon'', he talks about how he started drinking again, which wasn't the problem. What ''was'' the problem was the fact that his wife gave him a Benadryl right before he went to bed, and Titus was unfortunately unaware that "wine, plus wine, plus wine, plus Benadryl equals 'oh my god no!'" The next morning, he wakes up with a grumpy wife and his dogs behaving oddly. His wife tries to "noise him into an argument" all day, until he finally snaps.
-->'''Titus''': ''[quoting his wife]'' About 3 AM, you got up to go to the bathroom, ''[the audience starts laughing]'' - you shouldn't be that far ahead of me right now - you got up to go to the bathroom, walked into the closet, opened your pants, then opened your pajama drawer, and ''filled it''...then you pulled up your pants, closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it by flicking off the light switch!

* In ''Amerigeddon'', he tells the story of when he went to Alabama and being the first guest on the grand opening of a new comedy club. He has just started doing Amerigeddon and was worried about how it would go over. There were two people in the audience that night, both who looked like they "Swamp boated" in. One guy had a long beard who Titus kept calling "Series/DuckDynasty" [[note]]the guy considered it a compliment [[/note]] while the other guy had an American flag jacket and 45 [[note]] President Trump [[/note]] on the back of his neck. He tells a joke about the 2016 Elections how "The country didn't want a vagina and went for the other side of the taint". The two thought for a second then and laughed that yes, [[ActuallyPrettyFunny it was a pretty good joke]].

* In ''Amerigeddon'', he tells the story of when he went to Alabama and being the first guest on the grand opening of a new comedy club. He has just started doing Amerigeddon and was worried about how it would go over. There were two people in the audience that night, both who looked like they "Swamp boated" in. One guy had a long beard who Titus kept calling "Series/DuckDynasty" [[note]]the guy considered it a compliment [[/note]] while the other guy had an American flag jacket and 45 [[note]] President Trump [[/note]] on the back of his neck. He tells a joke about the 2016 Elections how "The country didn't want a vagina and went for the other side of the taint". The two thought for a second then and laughed that yes, it was a pretty good joke.

* In ''Amerigeddon'', he tells the story of when he went to Alabama and being the first guest on the grand opening of a new comedy club. He has just started doing Amerigeddon and was worried about how it would go over. There were two people in the audience that night, both who looked like they "Swamp boated" in. One guy had a long beard who Titus kept calling "Series/DuckDynasty" [[note]]the guy thought it was a complement [[/note]] while the other guy had an American flag jacket and 45 [[note]] President Trump [[/note]] on the back of his neck. He tells a joke about the 2016 Elections how "The country didn't want a vagina and went for the other side of the taint". The two thought for a second then and laughed that yes, it was a pretty good joke.

* The story of how Titus videotaped the news report of his father stopping at a drunk driving point while the news team was on location live for a Memorial Day traffic report and used it to humiliate his father whenever he got drunk and humiliated him during family get-togethers (which, considering Papa Titus, was often).

* His special "Love is Evol," which is all about how [[LoveMakesYouCrazy Crazy Makes You Crazy]], had a few really good moments.

** Titus' reaction to hearing his father's story of [[http://youtu.be/LQakUwIOHWI?t=3m33s#aid=P95kHLJ9TOA how Titus was conceived]]: [[note]]Ken, who just came back from his stint as National Guardsman, found his apartment ransacked by Juanita and gets a call from her, saying that she wants to see him again. Ken and Juanita make love in her apartment just as Juanita's new boyfriend comes home. Rather than step out and get offended over being interrupted during sex, [[CoitusUninterruptus Ken continues to plow Juanita and forcing her boyfriend to helplessly hear his love scream and squeal during sex]] [[{{Cuckold}} while Ken insulted him]].[[/note]] "Wow... ''([[TwitchyEye twitches slightly]])'' [[SarcasmMode That's just like the story of Christmas.]]"

'''Mike''' ("''dead serious''"): [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome That bitch deserved it.]]
* In ''Born With A Defect'', the finale tells of one of the worst times he and his ex-wife Erin met to exchange the kids. It got so bad the LAPD had to be called out to his location for the level of disturbance he and Erin were causing in their complete inability to be around each other for more than five seconds. After Titus drove home from the pickup site before the police could arrive to assess the situation, they showed up at his house under the impression he was abusing both his kids; it also didn't help that he answered the door holding a huge wine glass full of [[TheAlcoholic red]] [[NotWhatItLooksLike vegetable juice]]. After both kids vouched for him, one officer turns to Titus and says to him, "If ''that'' was my ex-wife, I'd be drinking this early, too."

* Almost all of ''Norman Rockwell is Bleeding,'' wherein Titus describes his early life, most of which was terrible.

** Titus' reaction to hearing his father's story of [[http://youtu.be/LQakUwIOHWI?t=3m33s#aid=P95kHLJ9TOA how Titus was conceived]]: [[note]]Ken, who just came back from his stint as National Guardsman, found his apartment ransacked by Juanita and gets a call from her, saying that she wants to see him again. Ken and Juanita make love in her apartment just as Juanita's new boyfriend comes home. Rather than step out and get offended over being interrupted during sex, [[CoitusUninterruptus Ken continues to plow Juanita and forcing her boyfriend to helplessly hear his love scream and squeal during sex]] [[{{Cuckold}} while Ken insulted him]].[[/note]] "Wow... ''([[TwitchyEye twitches slightly]])'' That's just like the story of Christmas."

-->'''Titus''': Yeah! [[ARareSentence Don't just quote the sexy amendments!]] ''[{{beat}}]'' Two words that have never been put together ''ever.''

** Titus' reaction to hearing his father's story of [[http://youtu.be/LQakUwIOHWI?t=3m33s#aid=P95kHLJ9TOA how Titus was conceived]]: [[note]]Ken, who just came back from his stint as National Guardsman, found his apartment ransacked by Juanita and gets a call from her, saying that she wants to see him again. Ken and Juanita make love in her apartment just as Juanita's new boyfriend comes home. Rather than step out and get offended over being interrupted during sex, Ken continues to plow Juanita and forcing her boyfriend to helplessly hear his love scream and squeal during sex while Ken insulted him.[[/note]] "Wow... ''([[TwitchyEye twitches slightly]])'' That's just like the story of Christmas."

-->'''Titus:''' (mimes violently turning a steering wheel) YOU CAN'T JUST CALL ME! You have to have three people call me to warn me that you're gonna call me! And then I have to make a doctor's appointment, get a Ritalin prescription, take some Ritalin, and then you can call me!

** His [[PedophilePriest pedophile]] [[LaserGuidedKarma crucifixion]] bit, particularly...

-->'''Titus''': What else you stuff up my ass my whole life? Step up, or step aside, isn't that right? Step up, or step aside, and what happened? World's coming apart, I got two little kids, and you're not here! ''You stepped aside!'' That means '''I''' gotta step...up. ''[{{beat}}]'' ''[[EurekaMoment Ooooooh.]]'' [[MoodWhiplash Funny, asshole.]]