So, to preface this review, let me share a bit about myself, because it might explain why I liked some of the parts I liked. I was a handiman at my church for many years, I currently work the night shift as a security guard, and I really loved a show called Samurai Jack as a boy, where, memetically (and the truth is a lot more complicated, but it's close enough for the analogy I'm going to make), the titular character kills evil robots that then bleed censorship-friendly oil everywhere, while never speaking and slowly losing more and more of his clothes. So yes, there was a lot in this movie I related to.
And, let's be clear, Nicolas Cage carries this entire movie on his back while barely breaking a sweat. His nonchalant, vaguely knowing attitude upon being thrust into an increasingly-contrived, increasingly-obvious horror movie situation had me wondering by the end of the movie if maybe he's just a veteran of many previous horror movies who's aware he lives in Horror Movie America and has just gotten a little numb to all the death that means. But, either way, as he works his way through the ruined pizza place, cleaning the place up with elbow grease because the bosses can't spring for decent tools, occasionally taking a break to slug back his favorite cola and kill time on a pinball machine, yeah, I felt that. Especially when the creepy shapes in the background might or might not be moving, or the camera adjusts focus in such a way that the background seems to warp slightly as he moves.
Then, when confronted with a mechanical ostrich, they have an exchange that could've come right out of Samurai Jack, before engaging in brutal hand-to-hand combat that, while infested with the odd bit of obvious CGI, is shockingly well-shot and well-blocked, before the janitor overwhelms his adversary, leaving it moaning on the floor in a puddle of its own oil. "Splatchcock it!" I cried from my couch, and I was overjoyed when he totally did, reaching down and tearing its metallic spine out in a shower of oil like a Mortal Kombat fatality.
It was from that moment on that I was in it for the rest of the film, come hell or high water. Which was good, because from that point, there was no small amount of hell and a fair bit of high water.
And look, I'm not saying that if the rest of the film had actually just been the janitor cleaning the place up and occasionally dispatching the next animatronic to take a swing at him in a surprisingly-effective fight scene it might not have gotten old by the end? That I don't see why the filmmakers felt the need to mix things up a bit?
But the way they chose to do it is the reason I can't say this is a legitimately good movie despite its obvious and derivative inspiration. They introduce a bunch of stupid teenagers, none of them poorly-acted, but all of them poorly and inconsistently written, who promptly do stupid teenage horror movie things and get picked off one by one, in between two lengthy, droning exposition dumps that add a bunch of backstory and "lore" to what exactly happened to turn the pizzaria into a ghost-infested nightmare, none of which actually improves the story. I could literally summarize both in a few sentences that get the point across much better, and might not even cost much more to replace with more janitor-robot fight scenes, given the flashbacks still involve plenty of suit stuff.
At least Wally's mesmerizing and taunting song about how they're all gonna die was legitimately creepy and good.
But, fortunately, once the stupid slasher-movie obligations are paid, we're back to the janitor taking out the trash, figuratively and literally, complete with a brutal final contest in which, of course, his shirt gets torn up, to triumphantly ride off into the sunset.
And there it is. I can't recommend it without reservation; it's got too much rotten garbage at its core. But the stuff that works works really well.
Film 2/3rds of an Incredible Live-Action Samurai Jack Episode, 1/3rd the Shitty Generic Slasher You Were Expecting
So, to preface this review, let me share a bit about myself, because it might explain why I liked some of the parts I liked. I was a handiman at my church for many years, I currently work the night shift as a security guard, and I really loved a show called Samurai Jack as a boy, where, memetically (and the truth is a lot more complicated, but it's close enough for the analogy I'm going to make), the titular character kills evil robots that then bleed censorship-friendly oil everywhere, while never speaking and slowly losing more and more of his clothes. So yes, there was a lot in this movie I related to.
And, let's be clear, Nicolas Cage carries this entire movie on his back while barely breaking a sweat. His nonchalant, vaguely knowing attitude upon being thrust into an increasingly-contrived, increasingly-obvious horror movie situation had me wondering by the end of the movie if maybe he's just a veteran of many previous horror movies who's aware he lives in Horror Movie America and has just gotten a little numb to all the death that means. But, either way, as he works his way through the ruined pizza place, cleaning the place up with elbow grease because the bosses can't spring for decent tools, occasionally taking a break to slug back his favorite cola and kill time on a pinball machine, yeah, I felt that. Especially when the creepy shapes in the background might or might not be moving, or the camera adjusts focus in such a way that the background seems to warp slightly as he moves.
Then, when confronted with a mechanical ostrich, they have an exchange that could've come right out of Samurai Jack, before engaging in brutal hand-to-hand combat that, while infested with the odd bit of obvious CGI, is shockingly well-shot and well-blocked, before the janitor overwhelms his adversary, leaving it moaning on the floor in a puddle of its own oil. "Splatchcock it!" I cried from my couch, and I was overjoyed when he totally did, reaching down and tearing its metallic spine out in a shower of oil like a Mortal Kombat fatality.
It was from that moment on that I was in it for the rest of the film, come hell or high water. Which was good, because from that point, there was no small amount of hell and a fair bit of high water.
And look, I'm not saying that if the rest of the film had actually just been the janitor cleaning the place up and occasionally dispatching the next animatronic to take a swing at him in a surprisingly-effective fight scene it might not have gotten old by the end? That I don't see why the filmmakers felt the need to mix things up a bit?
But the way they chose to do it is the reason I can't say this is a legitimately good movie despite its obvious and derivative inspiration. They introduce a bunch of stupid teenagers, none of them poorly-acted, but all of them poorly and inconsistently written, who promptly do stupid teenage horror movie things and get picked off one by one, in between two lengthy, droning exposition dumps that add a bunch of backstory and "lore" to what exactly happened to turn the pizzaria into a ghost-infested nightmare, none of which actually improves the story. I could literally summarize both in a few sentences that get the point across much better, and might not even cost much more to replace with more janitor-robot fight scenes, given the flashbacks still involve plenty of suit stuff.
At least Wally's mesmerizing and taunting song about how they're all gonna die was legitimately creepy and good.
But, fortunately, once the stupid slasher-movie obligations are paid, we're back to the janitor taking out the trash, figuratively and literally, complete with a brutal final contest in which, of course, his shirt gets torn up, to triumphantly ride off into the sunset.
And there it is. I can't recommend it without reservation; it's got too much rotten garbage at its core. But the stuff that works works really well.