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101.162.18.191
Current Version
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Well, on top of the whole entry being a little too vitriolic and making it out as though the mages had turned into a bunch of zombies droning \
to:
Well, on top of the whole entry being a little too vitriolic and making it out as though the mages had turned into a bunch of zombies droning \\\"It. Is. Fine. We. Are. Fine. End. The. Blight. Tevinter. Rules.\\\", I\\\'m not sure if this counts as Genre Blind. She didn\\\'t run upstairs in a serial killer\\\'s house. She resorted to desperate measures under the conviction that she and everything she\\\'d pledged her life to defend was doomed. Just because Erimond details the whole plan for \\\'\\\'you\\\'\\\' doesn\\\'t mean he allowed \\\'\\\'her\\\'\\\' to know enough to figure it out.
1. What she noticed is that they were a little different from before, and considering \\\'\\\'they\\\'re sacrificing their comrades to summon demons\\\'\\\', that\\\'s reasonable. She can tell they aren\\\'t abominations or ghouls (which they\\\'re not), and that scale of blood magic compulsion is beyond a single person. How would she jump from \\\"Erimond taught us a ritual to bind demons\\\" to \\\"He is capable of using this ritual to bind every single Warden who uses it to the will of an incredibly powerful demon backing the first darkspawn\\\" with the evidence of \\\"my men are acting a little strangely after obeying an order to murder their fellows and knowing they\\\'re all going to die very soon\\\"? Obviously she made the jump to \\\"Erimond might be screwing us,\\\" and obviously the explanation he gave and the evidence she found (and the pressure she was under) was enough to convince her it was worth taking that risk. Remember that she\\\'s not acting rationally. She hears the Calling, and believes it. She\\\'s very afraid.
2. Sophia Dryden did the same. Fear, desperation, pride, obligation, a semi-unspoken rule among the Wardens that \\\"anything goes if it will advance the cause\\\", and a mage promising an easy way out (even if he\\\'s a blood mage from Tevinter - Wardens do what they must, and that includes using blood magic, with which they have a long and storied history)? The main difference here is that the protagonist arrives at a crucial moment, not decades after the harm had been done. Plus, why would she think that \\\'\\\'anyone\\\'\\\' would willingly aid the Blight?
3. Executing Wardens who spoke out was quite possibly a matter of keeping the secrets of the Order as much as it was to silence dissent. Also, demons turn up and attack people if you disrupt the Veil, and there was a lot of disruption going on.
4. Really? Is there evidence she knew Corypheus was out of his prison? Very few Wardens knew he \\\'\\\'existed\\\'\\\', even those of rank. \\\'\\\'No one\\\'\\\' knew that Corypheus = Elder One until the attack on Haven, and by that time the Wardens had been missing for a while. With the whole continent plunged into warfare, how would they get the news?
5. What she decides is to halt her last, most desperate plan, for which she\\\'d just sacrificed one of her oldest friends, \\\'\\\'on your word\\\'\\\'. Not even others of the Order could do that. It\\\'s less the mounting evidence than it is the Inquisitor\\\'s powers of persuasion. And it was enough for Erimond to scuttle the plan. Doubt can be crucial.
Here\\\'s what I think would work better: DirtyBusiness, DoNotGoGentle, LockedOutOfTheLoop, DespairGambit...
If it does go back, it needs to be much, much shorter and point out that desperation makes a person blind. As it is, it sounds as though she\\\'s just brain-dead.
1. What she noticed is that they were a little different from before, and considering \\\'\\\'they\\\'re sacrificing their comrades to summon demons\\\'\\\', that\\\'s reasonable. She can tell they aren\\\'t abominations or ghouls (which they\\\'re not), and that scale of blood magic compulsion is beyond a single person. How would she jump from \\\"Erimond taught us a ritual to bind demons\\\" to \\\"He is capable of using this ritual to bind every single Warden who uses it to the will of an incredibly powerful demon backing the first darkspawn\\\" with the evidence of \\\"my men are acting a little strangely after obeying an order to murder their fellows and knowing they\\\'re all going to die very soon\\\"? Obviously she made the jump to \\\"Erimond might be screwing us,\\\" and obviously the explanation he gave and the evidence she found (and the pressure she was under) was enough to convince her it was worth taking that risk. Remember that she\\\'s not acting rationally. She hears the Calling, and believes it. She\\\'s very afraid.
2. Sophia Dryden did the same. Fear, desperation, pride, obligation, a semi-unspoken rule among the Wardens that \\\"anything goes if it will advance the cause\\\", and a mage promising an easy way out (even if he\\\'s a blood mage from Tevinter - Wardens do what they must, and that includes using blood magic, with which they have a long and storied history)? The main difference here is that the protagonist arrives at a crucial moment, not decades after the harm had been done. Plus, why would she think that \\\'\\\'anyone\\\'\\\' would willingly aid the Blight?
3. Executing Wardens who spoke out was quite possibly a matter of keeping the secrets of the Order as much as it was to silence dissent. Also, demons turn up and attack people if you disrupt the Veil, and there was a lot of disruption going on.
4. Really? Is there evidence she knew Corypheus was out of his prison? Very few Wardens knew he \\\'\\\'existed\\\'\\\', even those of rank. \\\'\\\'No one\\\'\\\' knew that Corypheus = Elder One until the attack on Haven, and by that time the Wardens had been missing for a while. With the whole continent plunged into warfare, how would they get the news?
5. What she decides is to halt her last, most desperate plan, for which she\\\'d just sacrificed one of her oldest friends, \\\'\\\'on your word\\\'\\\'. Not even others of the Order could do that. It\\\'s less the mounting evidence than it is the Inquisitor\\\'s powers of persuasion. And it was enough for Erimond to scuttle the plan. Doubt can be crucial.
Here\\\'s what I think would work better: DirtyBusiness, DoNotGoGentle, LockedOutOfTheLoop, DespairGambit...
If it does go back, it needs to be much, much shorter and point out that desperation makes a person blind. As it is, it sounds as though she\\\'s just brain-dead.
Changed line(s) 1 from:
n
Well, on top of the whole entry being a little too vitriolic and making it out as though the mages had turned into a bunch of zombies droning \
to:
Well, on top of the whole entry being a little too vitriolic and making it out as though the mages had turned into a bunch of zombies droning \\\"It. Is. Fine. We. Are. Fine. End. The. Blight. Tevinter. Rules.\\\", I\\\'m not sure if this counts as Genre Blind. She didn\\\'t run upstairs in a serial killer\\\'s house. She resorted to desperate measures under the conviction that she and everything she\\\'d pledged her life to defend was doomed. Just because Erimond details the whole plan for \\\'\\\'you\\\'\\\' doesn\\\'t mean he allowed \\\'\\\'her\\\'\\\' to know enough to figure it out.
1. What she noticed is that they were a little different from before, and considering \\\'\\\'they\\\'re sacrificing their comrades to summon demons\\\'\\\', that\\\'s reasonable. She can tell they aren\\\'t abominations or ghouls (which they\\\'re not), and that scale of blood magic compulsion is beyond a single person. How would she jump from \\\"Erimond taught us a ritual to bind demons\\\" to \\\"He is capable of using this ritual to bind every single Warden who uses it to the will of an incredibly powerful demon backing the first darkspawn\\\" with the evidence of \\\"my men are acting a little strangely after obeying an order to murder their fellows and knowing they\\\'re all going to die very soon\\\"? Obviously she made the jump to \\\"Erimond might be screwing us,\\\" and obviously the explanation he gave and the evidence she found (and the pressure she was under) was enough to convince her it was worth taking that risk. Remember that she\\\'s not acting rationally. She hears the Calling, and believes it. She\\\'s very afraid.
2. Sophia Dryden did the same. Fear, desperation, pride, obligation, a semi-unspoken rule among the Wardens that \\\"anything goes if it will advance the cause\\\", and a mage promising an easy way out (even if he\\\'s a blood mage from Tevinter - Wardens do what they must, and that includes using blood magic, with which they have a long and storied history)? The main difference here is that the protagonist arrives at a crucial moment, not decades after the harm had been done. Plus, why would she think that \\\'\\\'anyone\\\'\\\' would willingly aid the Blight?
3. Executing Wardens who spoke out was quite possibly a matter of keeping the secrets of the Order as much as it was to silence dissent. Also, demons turn up and attack people if you disrupt the Veil, and there was a lot of disruption going on.
4. Really? Is there evidence she knew Corypheus was out of his prison? Very few Wardens knew he \\\'\\\'existed\\\'\\\', even those of rank. \\\'\\\'No one\\\'\\\' knew that Corypheus = Elder One until the attack on Haven, and by that time the Wardens had been missing for a while. With the whole continent plunged into warfare, how would they get the news?
5. What she decides is to halt her last, most desperate plan, for which she\\\'d just sacrificed one of her oldest friends, \\\'\\\'on your word\\\'\\\'. Not even others of the Order could do that. It\\\'s less the mounting evidence than it is the Inquisitor\\\'s powers of persuasion. And it was enough for Erimond to scuttle the plan. Doubt can be crucial.
Here\\\'s what I think would work better: DirtyBusiness, DoNotGoGentle, LockedOutOfTheLoop, DespairGambit...
1. What she noticed is that they were a little different from before, and considering \\\'\\\'they\\\'re sacrificing their comrades to summon demons\\\'\\\', that\\\'s reasonable. She can tell they aren\\\'t abominations or ghouls (which they\\\'re not), and that scale of blood magic compulsion is beyond a single person. How would she jump from \\\"Erimond taught us a ritual to bind demons\\\" to \\\"He is capable of using this ritual to bind every single Warden who uses it to the will of an incredibly powerful demon backing the first darkspawn\\\" with the evidence of \\\"my men are acting a little strangely after obeying an order to murder their fellows and knowing they\\\'re all going to die very soon\\\"? Obviously she made the jump to \\\"Erimond might be screwing us,\\\" and obviously the explanation he gave and the evidence she found (and the pressure she was under) was enough to convince her it was worth taking that risk. Remember that she\\\'s not acting rationally. She hears the Calling, and believes it. She\\\'s very afraid.
2. Sophia Dryden did the same. Fear, desperation, pride, obligation, a semi-unspoken rule among the Wardens that \\\"anything goes if it will advance the cause\\\", and a mage promising an easy way out (even if he\\\'s a blood mage from Tevinter - Wardens do what they must, and that includes using blood magic, with which they have a long and storied history)? The main difference here is that the protagonist arrives at a crucial moment, not decades after the harm had been done. Plus, why would she think that \\\'\\\'anyone\\\'\\\' would willingly aid the Blight?
3. Executing Wardens who spoke out was quite possibly a matter of keeping the secrets of the Order as much as it was to silence dissent. Also, demons turn up and attack people if you disrupt the Veil, and there was a lot of disruption going on.
4. Really? Is there evidence she knew Corypheus was out of his prison? Very few Wardens knew he \\\'\\\'existed\\\'\\\', even those of rank. \\\'\\\'No one\\\'\\\' knew that Corypheus = Elder One until the attack on Haven, and by that time the Wardens had been missing for a while. With the whole continent plunged into warfare, how would they get the news?
5. What she decides is to halt her last, most desperate plan, for which she\\\'d just sacrificed one of her oldest friends, \\\'\\\'on your word\\\'\\\'. Not even others of the Order could do that. It\\\'s less the mounting evidence than it is the Inquisitor\\\'s powers of persuasion. And it was enough for Erimond to scuttle the plan. Doubt can be crucial.
Here\\\'s what I think would work better: DirtyBusiness, DoNotGoGentle, LockedOutOfTheLoop, DespairGambit...
