Romance

I suppose your right, I’m not going to come to some scientific answer when I’m dealing with thinks psychologists are still doing research on. I’m just frustrated after the latest example, especially since I’m scared that I won’t be able to interact with her again without drudging up this pain, when she’s done absolutely nothing to deserve me abandoning whatever goodwill we have.

Maybe I’ve exaggerated the trend a little, in some examples I only found out long after I moved on from them, not getting a chance to talk, in another finding out that they were asexual was a relief because I did want to have to decide between two people.

It’s odd thought, I’ve never really been rejected in the way most people think of. Every time I confessed to someone, the reason why it wouldn’t work out existed before I started crushing on them, or at least before I made my intensions known. I suppose I’m fortunate in that way, it was never personal.

Its ok to be frustrated. Finding someone for a while IS so. Most people can you that the wait is worth it. But you don't know how she feels. You don't need to put yourself down because you are 'out of her league', which is a garbage phrase anyhow. You don't know how she feels do you?? If you don't, that is dangerous thinking and no one likes someone who puts themselves down all the time.

You'll find someone. Patience is a virtue.

After becoming corporate ants, I lost interests in romances. Is this normal?

I’d say it’s normal. The mind is not just a collection of separate individual parts, every component has some effect on the others. So if you’re stressed out at work, it’s likely to affect other parts of your life too. You’re best off trying to inject some joy elsewhere in your life, so that it might uplift the rest. If there’s anything that still gives you happiness, think on that thing when you can. I’m rooting for you.

You’re right, I don’t know how she feels, but I heard that information from a conversation had with her sister, and they seem to love each other enough not for either to lie about the other. I think I’m misunderstanding you somewhere, don’t take that as an accusation that I think that’s what you’re implying (especially seeing how I didn’t mention the sister until now). But I’ve resolved that, if my disappointment and frustration get in the way of whatever relationship I’ll have with the original person going forward; I’ll tell her, not out of “hopeium” that it was all a misunderstanding, but so she’ll know why thinks might be awkward and uncomfortable for some time.

“Leagues” are a weird concept for me. I want to get out of this rut in my life I’ve gotten into. I should probably do that before I present anyone a wedding ring, finances are an major factor in marriages. But the Novis who fell into that rut isn’t a different person from me now, he’s not a past self I stopped being. I’m still him, and I want that me to be just as loved as the me now who’s slowly getting out of that dark hole, or the future me who just might have gotten out. Some times I’m worried that if I ever end up with someone, they won’t like that me and think I’m someone different when I’m not. And if that’s what I want, then it’s also my obligation to love whoever I might end up with like that too.

Edit: And I suppose I should try to love that past Novis as well. Thanks a whole bunch marcen, you’re doing a good work here.

Edited by Novis on Jul 11th 2022 at 12:27:40 PM

@Agent Never give up. There are times when corporates make us cynical but not for long. Not when we can see the real thing. Feel the real thing. And it goes a long way.

YOU WILL find someone. Someone who will support you, love you, care for you, be there for you. Sometimes, you don't need marriage. Sometimes, you can be just a couple and that's it. Relationships can be hard work, they are not a dream by any means, but working out stuff make you better people and it's wonderful. Talking thing out helps a lot. Believe me, it does and it changes things.

As for the advice, any time. I do my best here. I've been where people have been and want to return the favor.

Is it bad to compare different types of love? if so, why?

Love is one for all people yet very different.

Love is different for everyone but comparing your love for someone to someone else's love is mighty unfair, in my opinion. There is platonic love, family love, brotherly love, sisterly love, all of those are different. Don't compare, just focus on your relationships instead.

I agree, but I didn't mean it like that. I don't want to impose my views on love on anyobody else, or assume I know what they are feeling.

To be honest I didn't think anyone would respond, I was just kind of screaming into the the abyss there, because everytime I try to get someone to explain love matters to me they never respond - it made me think I was going about it the wrong way, hence the question - but I know it's not excuse, I should have been clearer in what I meant if I intended to start a conversation, I apologize because I wasn't.

When I said "compare" I meant stuff that I see myself feeling with other stuff I see myself feeling; I understand other people can have feelings that are different from mine - and those feelings are the ones I want to learn about, simply because I want to know how others feel. I know there are different kinds of love, including those I feel: like love for my parents, love for my sister, love for my pets or love for myself; and those I know others feel and can imagine what they're like: like love for their children or love for god... all of them are obviously distinct in their origin and purpose, more obviously so when we're talking about stuff that cannot reciprocate like ideals or objects. The only ones I cannot differentiate are friendship and romance, because even if most people agree that you are supposed to act differently towards your friends and your romantic partners, there are so many distinct ways to be friends with someone or being in a romantic relationship with someone that the only things all friendships have in common turns out to be the same things all romances have in common: they fulfill the needs for support and intimacy.

Or at least that's what I've gathered through what I've read, I don't really have any close friends currently and the only relationship I've ever had only lasted for four months; and I keep mentioning those facts because I want it to be obvious that I'm fully aware that my perspective is very limited - and I don't like it.

I want to understand other people.

If I keep bringing this up is not because I want them to see things from my point of view, but because I want them to give me their opinions of it; to make me see things I'm missing, to debate or correct me as they see fit, to share their own views on love and explain how they experience these things themselves.

I'm not just looking to blindy emulate them either if that's a concern, the more the merrier because, yeah, part of me does want to compare their feelings to mine for the purpose of building my own identity; not to invalidate then, but to learn new stuff that resonates with me. And if at some point I ask someone to clarify, it's not because I want them to feel that what they're feeling is wrong, but becuse I genuinely want to know where they are coming from, because I'm not in their heads and some of the things that are obvious to them may not be obvious to me.

I want to understand the different ways people love - or at least the way they see love, if the former is too personal - but nobody wants to explain theirs to me. It really frustrates me, because it makes me feel I'll never be able to understand other people. It feels like nobody really wants to discuss these topics, but if that's the case couldn't they at least tell me so? So I can try and get rid of this need in me?

Edited by Gabo352 on Oct 13th 2022 at 12:21:01 PM

I can understand and I didn't mean the confusion. Didn't mean to left you for a few days, it's a question that needed a decent answer.

The truth is everyone's point of view is different. It can be explained but everyone has different reasons for different emotions. No one can fully explain it, but its just a feel. One cannot fully explain the feeling of love, it just happens. You are not missing out, it happens to all of us in different way. And if you dont feel it, don't worry, it's not your fault. It just happens and it hits. You don't need to be in other people's heads to feel the emotions, its a sense of a sort.

There are some who want to understand but it's okay if you don't as long as you observe and keep growing.

I can't explain MY feelings but I can easily say it's love because it's authentic and filled with passion. Explaining it might add more questions but feeling it adds more to your mind, body and life.

I think it's important to remember that every possible definition is descriptive, and not prescriptive.

If we divide love in "categories", or define different "kinds" of relationships, it's just out of convenience, because we need words to communicate. If a certain relationship happens to fall neatly into one of these categories, well, it's easier to talk about it.

Statistically, most relationships will fall more or less in a category, since these categories have been created around the most common ways things can go. But again, it's statistics. It doesn't say anything about single instances. A single relationship can fall on the edge between two "standard" categories, or outside the whole thing. It doesn't make it less valid, it just means it was less common when the categories have been defined.

The line between friendship and romance, in particular, has been getting way more blurred in recent times. We have fuck-buddies, short-term romances, friendly ex-partners, poly romances with secondary partners... a lot of concepts that just didn't exist, or were extremely rare, until a few years ago.

Edited by Cozzer on Oct 19th 2022 at 10:13:33 AM

I guess you're right, marcen12, I should stop obsessing over understanding everything right now and just let things happen at their own pace, just keep my eyes open and be ready to listen instead of actively seeking someone to explain.

And, yeah, Cozzer, those things are exactly what I mean, like, I can get behind the idea those categories aren't the end and be all of it, but some people act like they are and that's what confuses me. Still, I guess it is as marcen12 said, I just gotta accept that for some people the distinction is clear like that, while for others it isn't.

Thank you both.

Edited by Gabo352 on Oct 20th 2022 at 10:00:10 AM

Any time. Remember, you're among people who help each other. Ask anything.

So I’ve been thinking about what I was talking about last time, and I’m starting not to like how I went about that. See, I also had some fondness for the mentioned sister (who I’ll call O) of the person I started talking about (who I’ll call S). At the time, I decided to see if I could try S first for various reasons, when I asked O about S I didn’t mention any of my affections for O. Now I kind of feel like I lied to her because of that, like I left out really pertinent information. And I can’t say that making her the “second” was a good thing either, I should have just asked a third party instead. I think I should apologize for these things, but I want to get another viewpoint to help make sure first.

Edited by Novis on Feb 19th 2023 at 12:08:05 PM

Slowly accepting that at 33 I've aged out of dating. At this point all I'll get are single moms looking for support and I hate kids. That and I have no charisma or flirting ability.

I'm 28 and I've embraced my single status lol I refuse to do online dating and I'll probably never find anyone irl so my love is only for friends and fictional characters. Fiction is easier than reality anyway...

Sometimes being the best person you can be is the best asset. It shows confidence and people will find that attractive. It doesn't matter if you are single or looking for someone, you are all amazing people.

My advice to a good many of you is this: Stop looking.

When I was younger, I was looking. I tried dating co-workers, I tried meeting people, and always it didn't work out.

Until I just stopped looking.

You see, when you're looking, it can give you an air of desperation that actually tells the person we're trying for that we're insecure. No matter what is said verbally, body language is saying, "Nope!"

I met the woman I married when I wasn't looking.

So I'm kinda interested in a co-worker of mine, but I'm not sure what to think of this situation. When we first met, she blushed at the sight of me. The same thing happened the next few times we saw each other, and I even started noticing her stealing glances at me, which gave my eternally shy and socially awkward ass the confidence to start initiating conversation. I managed to do this a couple of times (though I did embarrassingly once startled her from behind while she was eating in the cafeteria. Not sure how relevant that is, but I'm mentioning it anyway), but afterwards, her behavior suddenly changed.

Now it seems like she's going out of her way to avoid me. Whenever our eyes meet, she quickly averts her gaze and walks away, and if she has to walk past me, she always stares down at her phone while doing so to avoid looking at me. This, in addition to the aforementioned cafeteria incident and my general social anxiety in general, is making me hesitant to continue talking to her (she's pretty much always on her phone whenever she's not working, so I don't want to be rude or anything.) After about a month or two of me regressing back to being too terrified to make a move, I eventually resorted to trying to Facebook friend her, but she rejected my request.

This happened a couple of months ago. I took that as a rejection, so I was going to just leave her alone, but now I'm starting to think she's staring at me from afar again (or maybe she was always doing it, and I just now caught on again). I guess I should also mention that she doesn't really seem to talk to anyone, but if anyone else starts talking to her, she can converse with them just fine without being nervous, so she seems to only act like this towards me.

So I can't tell if she likes me and we're both Twice Shy, or if she's completely uninterested or what.

@Nexus

Sorry for the late reply.

I would say be careful about the goings on with this, in terms of relationships at work. Normally, I would give some support for pursuing a relationship but in this case, proceed with caution. As someone who had a couple of crushes on people at my first job, I just left it as it is. A crush. Relationships at work are not the greatest idea to have because there may be a point where something will go sour and it will be very awkward.

With that out of the way...

She may look at you as an interesting person. If this is a Twice Shy situation, maybe find out something that she likes and and look up what it's about. Maybe listen to a conversation she had with someone and catch a key word or so. Maybe ask someone she talks to frequently, albeit privately, about her.

However, seeing you said that she rejected your friendship request on facebook, it may be because she doesn't know you very well and a co-worker she doesn't really know may not help the situation. For all you know, she does probably have some anxiety but she masks it very well. Some people with anxiety can do that around certain people. In this case, maybe leave her alone for a little while longer, since you've mentioned that she is stealing glances after a while. Eventually, if you are brave enough, say a simple hello, or nod your head, a simple gesture/greeting that would require little to no words. Go at it as a friend. If she doesn't respond, it's not on you. You are okay to not be ok. There are other people outside of work that you can pursue if this person doesn't return your feelings. Who knows? Maybe she is seeing someone. If she is, the feeling of pain will hurt. But be strong, breathe and, if you want, come back and vent it out or tell message me. I'm pretty sure I'm on this site every single day to browse.

Thank you for the reply.

Any time. <3

I think you were right to take this as a rejection the first time (the facebook request denial alone already makes that very clear), and you should definitely just leave this girl alone from now on since it seems you probably made her uncomfortable whether that was your intention or not; in any case it's clear she doesn't really want to socialize with you so you should acknowledge that and move on. Given the description of events is vague, there's not much else to say beyond stop dwelling on this and maybe reflect if you possibly did something wrong and in future be more careful about this sort of thing.

Edited by Draghinazzo on Feb 21st 2024 at 1:52:56 PM

i legitimately thought i had stopped following the romance thread years ago but after seeing these last few posts i feel like i need to step in

~Nexus dude, you're freaking this poor girl out, leave her alone. she's not Twice Shy, and she's not nervous talking to you because she likes you.

if she's avoiding your gaze, it's because you're creeping her out and doesn't want to attract your attention. if she rejected your facebook friend request, it's because she absolutely doesn't want you anywhere near her personal life. if she's nervous in conversation and doesn't seem to be saying much, it's because she wants out of that situation as quickly as possible. if you see her glancing at you from time to time, it's either: A) she's a human and people tend to glance around at things that move, if subconsciously. B) she's trying to keep an eye on you so you don't do anything to her and she can be prepared if you try and talk to her again. C) she's not stealing glances at all and you're imagining things. or all of the above.

i can't even imagine this situation from her point of view if this is how you're portraying it.

i know i'm being harsh, but i'm really trying to get you to understand that what you're describing is close to a horror story for me and most of my friends. stop dwelling on her and start thinking about how your actions would make basically anybody feel uncomfortable- especially women, who have to deal with enough harassment and stalking as-is.

if a girl likes you, you'll know. this isn't it.

Edited by EpicBleye on Feb 21st 2024 at 11:33:01 AM

Better advice than I can give.

Oh. That's what I was afraid of. Since everyone, for one reason or another, is telling me to leave her alone, I'll just do that.