"Well this is just ridiculous." Tropes says, looking at a ten foot tall electrified wall surrounding the town hall.
"Man, if I had some, like, blade wings or something I could scale this thing easily." Tropes tried not to think about how easy this would be if his friend with blade wings were here, instead trying to act as she would if she were here. He decides to put his life at risk doing something really dangerous and stupid.
Rummaging through a garbage bag of stuff he took from the empty house, he finds what he needs: tin foil, which he covers both his arms with, until they're vaguely blade-shaped.
"I bet 99% of people couldn't tell the difference."
Tropes starts scaling the wall, CLM on his back. the tin foil lessens the pain from the electric shocks, but not by much. The main thing that makes it bearable is his unshakeable resolve that him getting repeatedly hurt is funny.
Eventually, he reaches the top, plunging headfirst into the sea of trash inside the predictably abandoned town hall. The hall is an odd place, with one side is entirely glass, a window looking out onto the uninhabited vacuum wasteland just beyond the town.
"Oh thank god, a soft landing. Now." He stands up, filling his lungs with air.
"DOES ANYONE HERE WANT TO GET INTO A COMEDIC DEBATE SKEWERING THE DISHONESTY AND CORRUPTION OF REAL LIFE POLITICIANS?"
The only response is his echo.
Hmm, a room with an echo...
Half an hour later, Tropes is engaged in a heated debate over public education with Mr. Trevor Rash, a jovial figure with a voice just like Tropes', but reverbier, and an appearance just like a snowman's, but trashier.
Edited by TropesForever on Apr 27th 2024 at 9:59:56 PM
"And I really think you're not seeing the point here. The pursuit of knowledge is a beautiful and important thing in itself. It's human nature. It's not just something that's only useful inasmuch as it improves Evryday Mining's bottom line. Man, can we take a break? I'm feeling kinda lightheaded."
This was a sneaky half-truth on Tropes' part. He WAS feeling lightheaded, but this cleverly concealed his ulterior motive in taking a break: this would temporarily end the anthropomorphism imbued into Mr. Rash, making it morally ethical to pull him apart.
And Tropes was interested in this, partially because these were the worst arguments on public education he had ever heard, but mostly because the Dalekanium vault that made up Mr. Rash's torso had caught his eye. What government secrets did it contain? Could it perhaps explain everything?
Dalekanium was a very difficult material to break through. Tropes wished his pal with a Dalek gunstick were here. Instead, he would have to make do with energy channeled from the electrified outer wall. Using a combination of garbage and kitchen supplies, he fashioned his custom death ray over the course of some amount of time. He really couldn't say how long anymore.
Either way, the moment of truth arrived. He charged it up, aimed, and fired, only to find out that:
1. Nothing you can build out of garbage and kitchen supplies is really comparable to a Dalek weapon, despite what longstanding jokes about egg whisks may have you believe, and
2. The vault's hinges were made not of Dalekanium but of simple iron, which had rusted so badly that it took a moderate shake to get the door completely off.
Edited by TropesForever on Apr 27th 2024 at 10:00:53 PM
"Betamax! Ha! And they called me a madman when I insisted on a Betamax-based Canned Laughter Machine!"
Tropes says this as he opens up the CLM, removing its canned laughter tape and replacing it with the one he found in the vault. The machine sputters for a second, before:
"This is a public service announcement."
"Silenburg, the beautiful jewel of Silenus IV. A noble city standing as a monument to human achievement on the edge of the void."
"But spare a thought for those of us on the other side of the globe. The good citizens of the poor, struggling Silenberg."
"For too long, the people of this town have had to struggle in the dangerous mines in order to put barely enough food on the table. Don't you wish life could be better? Well, wait till you hear what the Oracle Tapes have in store for you."
"Yes, that's right, the galaxy-famous Oracle Tapes, known from Xathos to Shiny-5, have devised a plan to help YOU and YOUR FAMILY out of poverty and into a prosperity that will make the people of Silenburg envious!"
"You see...it is prophesied that in Earth year 2017, there will come a television series that will be a smash hit! Fans around the globe will clamor for DVDs, merchandise, and plane tickets to any location featured on the show! And if our humble little town were to feature on this show, it would spell millions if not billions of tourist dollars!"
"With the help of your trustworthy local politicians, the Oracle Tapes and the Evryday Mining Company have devised one of the most expensive development plans in history! The town now features a door that can only be opened with a keyblade, a wall that can only be scaled using blade wings, and a vault that can only be opened with a Dalek gunstick! But these are only the beginning of our project to turn Silenberg into the perfect location for an episode..."
"Now, when the Earth year 2017 arrived, this series did indeed launch...and it wasn't UNsuccessful, but it was perhaps, shall we say, troubled. Perhaps behind-the-scenes drama, or a lack of broad appeal, or difficulties with quality control...It was supposed to be TropeNet's biggest hit ever, but with its underperformance, the company were hit pretty hard, and this badly impacted their parent company, Evryday Mining Co., forcing them to pull funding from Silenberg."
"Today, Silenberg is basically a ghost town. There's nothing left to mine, the bizarrely hyperspecific redevelopments are deeply unpopular, and everyone keeps leaving for Silenburg. I'm about to do so myself once I finish recording this. In short, the lesson of this PSA, kids: sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone."
There is the sound of a car starting up, and the tape ends.
Tropes sits in silence for a couple minutes. "Hm. Didn't know I had so many responsibilities."
He looks down at the trash covering the city hall, and out into the void on the other side of the glass. He feels really lightheaded now, It's almost difficult not to pass out.
"Oh, wwait! That ennvelope!"
Pulling it out of his pocket, he makes his best attempt to remember what written English words mean.
"Dear Current Resident, Rejoice! For today, Silenburg's Wondrous Wild Water Park is officially OPEN! Come on down, and take the whole family, and all your friends, and vague acquaintances! It's magical fun for literally everyone!
We regret to announce that in order to balance our budget, we will no longer be offering oxygen replenishment for Silenberg's artificial atmosphere. Please find alternative oxygen sources, or purchase a BreatheEzy™ 'Breathe Carbon Dioxide' body modification for only 4 equal payment of $29.99.
Looking forward to seeing you at the park,
Evryday Waterpark Co."
"Hhuh. That exxplaiiins a bbit."
Though acuetly aware his continued existence is in danger, Tropes has to force himself to feel panic and not just lie down and sleep. He knows he needs to do something, anything, to get out of here. Not even being present enough to devise a zanily overcomplicated scheme, he does the one, simple, brute force thing he can think of to do.
He picks up the vault and throws it as hard as he can at the window, shattering the glass.
Everything in Silenberg, Tropes included, is sucked out into the vacuum of space, the force propelling them far off into the emptiness.
Tropes awakens in a crater. He's on Earth, and more to the point Tropesburg. He recognizes the shape and feel of a Tropesberg crater instinctively after so many years hosting the town's Annual Crater Lie-In festival.
He realises he's holding the Canned Laughter Machine right to his chest. His mouth is right up to its speaker. He realises he held it this way all the way from Silenus IV.
"Heh. Useless air-spewing machine indeed."
Just then, Tropes' phone, having reception again, buzzes. Tropes checks it, seeing no missed calls and only a single new message.
MR MEDDLING - Received 2:47 PM
"Don't think you can get away from us that easily."
CREDITS
"Great, another empty house. What a waste of time. At least I don't have to feel bad about breaking the door down. But I do have to feel bad about giving myself twelfth-degree burns by handling molten metal, so, you win some, you lose some."
Canned Laughter
Tropes' hands are currently subsumed in a kitchen sink full of ice that he plundered from the freezer. Whilst stuck in the one spot, a brochure on the kitchen counter catches his eye.
"'See the Sights of Silenburg', huh. Wish there was anyone in the town to see it. Makes me think about that poor tree that died in the woods and got buried along with its name."
"Man, these photos don't even look like this town. Like, the layout is all wrong. How'd they mess up that badly? Are there two Silenburgs or something? How'd the people in charge let that slide?"
"Wait...the people in charge...politicians! They're ALWAYS an easy source of humour. To the town hall!"