Favourite Quotes from your games

"eggs, bacon, and mind prisons, all a part of this complete breakfast!"

Both of the following are, again, from the drop-in D&D 5e campaign I'm part of. First, when our party's monk was about to be executed by the knights of Feathergale Spire because he found out the knights were part of the Cult of the Howling Hatred, one of our players said this gem out of character:

And later, when our attempt to infiltrate a monastery run by the Black Earth Cult went sour, my wizard said the following:

edited 20th Dec '15 11:24:53 AM by MapleSamurai

From the most recent game in that same campaign, sprang a few more lines I thought were kind of funny. First, one the turn after the monk we were fighting dodged my Burning Hands that I accompanied with a, "don't play with fire" line...

Then, when our ranger was attacked by an umber hulk whose claws had been replaced with bronze blades...

First PC: "Are we considering going after an ancient snake monster?" Second PC: "No, we are considering going into the lair of a tribe of cannibal dwarves to steal the eye of an ancient snake monster. Totally different."

Yesterday I D Med a game of my own for the second time, and two quotes from that session stick out in my mind in particular. First, when our Dumb Muscle fighter turned out to be the party's Only Sane Man...

Then, when the rogue spectacularly failed her Survival check to track the missing party member who was in the building right in front of the rogue...

From my D&D game the other evening. We were confronting two bards that were going on a reunion tour that had performed a song that chronicled our party's first adventure. Only the song was plagiarized from a song written by an NPC bard we'd met during that first adventure (the phonies had been scrying on him). So we confronted them backstage at their concert, and as they were getting their instruments out to magic us up, my rogue dropped a Bond One-Liner.

"Gentlemen, I will say that your performance was absolutely lovely, but if I do have one small critique, I think you were a little...out of tune."

And then I threw my daggers to cut the strings on their instruments, at which point they ran away and we gave chase to fight them properly. Twas cool.

"Death to the Heathen Zombies!"

-My character (a slight church militant) while mowing down a crowd of zombies with a submachine gun.

@107 Wait... so he would have been fine with zombies in good standing with the faith?

While it it was stated in OOC Tongue-in-cheek (I was joking, the character was not), zombies aren't sentient and are created by unholy powers. Technically his statement was arguably correct that the zombies are "heathen".

Hypothetically, a zombie which achieved sentience and started worshiping his deity would probably not be trying to om-nom him, so he'd probably be ok with that.

edited 7th Mar '16 9:58:03 AM by Protagonist506

I've uh... got a few.

This started because the bartender didn't believe our Party Face was the son of the local Knight-Commander and was trying to show off the breastplate showing his father's personal seal. He worded it very badly:
Half-Bronze Dragon Aquatic Elf Bard/Swashbuckler: "I rip my shirt open to show the bartender!"
DM (As Bartender): "Sonny, I'll have you know this is not that kind of bar!"

I don't feel this one needs much context aside from the basics. The Elf is an Extreme Omnisexual to a ridiculous extent. Alcohol leads to most of her shenanigans:
Lialnula, Elf Sorcerer (after a night drinking): "Soo.... Did any of you know that Lizardfolk have two penises? Also, not as rough as you'd expect, no itching afterwards."
Nazkusk, Fighter, the aforementioned Lizardfolk: "That's not common knowledge amongst smoothskins? Wait... Are you telling me you don't?"
Lialnula: Seeing as how I'm a woman, no. Besides, you saw last night anyway that I don't have one at all.
Sir Thomas, Human Paladin: "Please. Stop. Both of you. I need to go pray that image out of my mind."
Volpin, Half-Elf Bard: "No, no, no. Keep going. I love seeing Sir Thumbass squirming like this!"^note Sir Thomas is kind of the stereotypical stuck-up holier-than-thou Paladin

Druid (me) after having had enough of the party's shit: "Please remember, I am the only one who can speak to animals, and we are going into an area notorious for having large predatory creatures. I will not be held accountable if, by some unforeseen circumstance, a Swordfang eats you all."

Ratfolk (ooc): I love how I'm playing the character who's actually clinically insane and I'm the voice of reason in this group.

Tornag, Human Paladin: (after the party all meets up for the first time and introductions are over) "So.... We have myself, a Tiefling Rogue, a Half-Orc Sorcerer, a Dwarven Fighter, a Halfling Ranger, an Elven Druid and a Gnome Warlock.... what a merry bunch of misfits we are. This is going to be fun!"

edited 9th Mar '16 6:07:49 PM by BlackSunNocturne

An exchange from the game I run, a Giantslayer adventure path Pathfinder game.

Half-orc monk: Ugh, fighting in this ship's hold is disgusting. I need to wash off; I'm going to just jump in the river.
Me (GM): Wait, the river full of alligators? The ones you know are there because you already saw someone fall in?
Half-orc monk: Eh, I'll just wrestle it underwater again, like I did with the last one.
Halfling paladin: Yeah, that was pretty epic.
Me: What is this, Golarion's Florida? Screw it, Belkzen is Golarion's Florida. It's canon now.

edited 9th Mar '16 9:34:44 PM by 32_Footsteps

(In relation to a character who has fused with the hyperdrive unrealistically); "Part of the ship, part of the crew."

(When we integrate him into our fleet): "Part of the ships, part of the crew" / "Part of the ship, part of the fleet"

Dwarf Merchant (Out of character after lapsing into a pseudo-Italian accent): Crap, now my Dwarf is Italian.
Me: What's an Italian Dwarf like? A dwarf that prefers wine over mead?
DM: Yes, exactly.
Dwarf Merchant: God, how do I imagine that?
Me: Think of the people from The Godfather, just all short.
DM: "What's it mean?" "It means Grima Steelshield sleeps with the molten slag".
Dwarf Merchant: So instead of a horse's head in your bed, it's a basilisk's head?
Me: I mean, it wouldn't be the first time Dwarves had organized crime. Dragon Age has the Carta.

Oh man, this is already going to be a funny campaign.

Italian dwarves? Well, I have a friend that's primarily Sicilian by ancestry, and, well, he makes an awful lot of dwarf jokes based on his stature. I'm just saying, not so far-fetched as it first sounds.

After our Dwarf (who is a member of the Dwarven Mafia) kills another dwarf via poison and then guards come to question her at 5am and causing a scene. The whole thing was caused because our Dwarf was being slightly belligerent to one of the guards, which lead to her being knocked out by him and dragged out of the inn half-naked, leading to our Half-Troll/Half-Orc trying to come to her aid:

Guard: We'll talk about this in the morning.
Michalis (Me): Sir, I think it is the morning.
Guard: No one is awake at this time! It's 5 am!
Michalis (looks around, pointing): Well.... I think plenty of people are awake right now.

edited 28th Mar '16 10:05:40 AM by BlackSunNocturne

From a 5e Dn D oneshot I played recently:

-My monk (with a criminal background): *puts arms around the cleric and wizard* "Listen, my friends. I once was in prison. It was bad. Then I went to the monastery. It was worse."

-The wizard, on having the charmed condition explained to him: "So, if I cast Charm Person on them, I can make them tell me I look pretty?"

-The wizard, on being asked why he's going adventuring: "To pay my alimony".

-The wizard, on finding a chest(strictly speaking, a mimic corpse) full of gold: "Alimony!"

-My monk, on discovering that the gold is cursed: "Alimony!"

when treating the CO in the field after he gets injured...

"don't giving him anything to bite down on! if he bites his tongue off it will be an improvement!"

Me G Ming a very hyped up dark heresy session whilst suffering from the majority of my medication's side effects:

"Shut it! I'm rolling to see who dies!"

PC: Was this an enemy? He tried to kill us.
NPC: Well yes, if he tried to kill you he was probably an enemy. ^note The PC meant, of course, was he one of the NPC faction's enemies, but the NPC was more literal minded.

"No Bob*, not The Thing That Always Works!"

~Everyone in the group (save Bob*) at some point

• Name changed

"shove the grenade down the fat mans arse! the mutant will eat it!"

• argument about weather to go to the Arbites to help or to fight the mutants* "look! the Arbites will only MAYBE arse rape us and kill us! the mutants WILL! I vote Arbites!"

"It's like the Blues Brothers, only instead of police cars it's flamingos." — recent Mutants and Masterminds campaign.

Ok, not a line I've used yet, but one I'm wanting to use:

(Read in light southern accent)

"My opponents have been trying to appease and compromise with these skeletons at every possible turn."

-A politician trying to give our heroes a quest that involves fighting skeletons.

"Thanks to control rig, Vodka does not need to watch road. Speaking of, who wants shot?"

-Vladimir "Vodka" Yeltsin, the group's NPC rigger, while turned around and talking to the group. going 90mph down the freeway.

edited 5th Aug '16 4:12:10 PM by MarkVonLewis

"you don't stand a chance! the pink elephants are on our side!" *to a small army of drugged up gangers trying to break into our our current hidey hole*