I missed this avatar.
The only story that comes to mind for me is the same one that always comes to mind, from when I first started playing Dn D and wasn't very good at figuring out what to say yet. When a giant demon I had somehow managed to wake up confronted me with "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you," all I could say was...
"I haven't done anything to you yet."
WHO IS THIS LOSER
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Another L 5 R session, the same party.
GM: They got tea, they got whisky, and now you want to give them chips?! SHUR FINE CHIPS?!
Evening. Osaka is seducing a Crane witchhunter in the castle garden.
GM: So, you're screwing the Crane...
Osaka: No, he's screwing me.
Artoo: Well, if you ride him, you get six additional dice.
GM: No, because it's not a Bugei skill.
Some nobody NPC has just shouted that he wants to duel with a GMPC (Ryu from the "Bitch about your GM" thread).
Me: Oh god. I pity the fool.
An Oni no Tsuburu teleports onto the battlefield, causing some snarky remarks from me.
Me: It's a big fucking Pac-Man with 15-foot grabbers.
GM (quoting the gamebook): "...and their dead have been known to rot where they squat, spreading smell and disease for miles."
Me: Oh man, now we'll have to clean it up.
Me: Do you want to chuck a fireball down his throat?!
Blue Oni: I'm casting Commune to ask the Earth spirits where is the person that summoned demons.
Osaka: Ask what's her name!
Me: Doesn't matter. We go there and fuck up everything that resists.
Osaka gets cornered by the Tsuburu. She aims for his arm, hits, deals some sick amount of damage (fifty or so on three kept dice), goes right through its defenses, slices the arm off.
Me: Oops, his arm fell off, that on-ee's.
Artoo: Thank God I decided NOT to fight her earlier.
The session is coming to an end. We want to finish it quickly. The Tsuburu strikes back at Osaka.
Me: Chop off his other arm and we're going home.
GM: And the Tsuburu rolls 1, missing you completely.
Me: What an ass.
Me and Artoo are fighting an ogre. I hit, Artoo hits. The ogre falls.
Me: What, he got hit twice and folded?
GM: Yes.
Me: What an ass.
And, of course, OSAKA CORNER!
GM: And the Shosuro theatre presents the story of Mirumoto Megumi.
Osaka: I sleep and drool. Obnoxiously.
Osaka: Is there incense burning?
GM: Yes.
Osaka: I'm gonna puke.
Osaka: Yay, I killed a meatball!
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
Rock On
Hmm...okay, so, one session, we decide to try out a new homebrew rule; roll two 20s in a row, and it's an instant kill.
So, we're adventuring, and we run into an entropic reaper, and the very first rolls of the session; two twenties in a row. They take my character back to the king, in a bucket. And then they douse him.
[[tvtropes.org/pmwiki/lb_i.php?lb_id=12919183980B30760200 Liveblog of]] John Carter Of Mars
Smooth as a Skunk
The first time I fought undead enemies in 3.5, a pattern was established.
- Party comes across a group of undead enemies.
- I step forward and say a cocky one-liner.
- I fumble, and hit myself for critical damage.
On the first occasion, the other two party members followed my lead... they fumbled, and hit me for critical damage.
The comics equivalent of PTSD.
Rock On
Well, there was the first time I DMed a game of Dn D. I was running a canned adventure from the Wizards website; a plague and kobolds have infested a mine. This has all been kicked off, you find later, by a priest of Grummush.
So...they fight through the kobolds, and the rogue spots a spike pit trap. Okay, they avoid it and keep moving. Next major obstacle is a plague-infested pile of dead bodies. So, they set fire to the pile, and outrun the angry zombies...back to the spike pit. That takes care of the zombies.
Next, they move past the now smouldering, no longer 'make a fort check' pile of bodies, and they reach a spring, with a big column with spiral ramps sticking out of it. On top is an altar and the angry orc priest, who, according to the scenario, has drunk potions and blessed himself...or would have, if he hadn't done it when he heard the zombies, and then had them wear off while waiting for adventurers to actually reach him.
"You hear him shout an oath to Grummush as he casts Darkness. Then you hear 'I'm coming fo-waaaaaaah!' and you hear a thud and some cursing nearby."
- Well...I mean, that pillar is covered with slick moss...
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Rocko, to quote myself: "What an ass."
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
Ok, so the party comes up to a cave being held by an evil cult. They beat the first room of guards. They find an illusory wall and behind it is a staircase that leads to the heart of the Cultists' lair. They go down. The cult sees them and starts to attack. The party retreats up the stair case.
PC's: Ok, we ready actions to attack what ever comes out of the wall.
ME: (Crap there mostly minions) *Gulp* ok.
The enemies start to charge out the door.
PC's: FWIP!
All but two of the enemies die.
ME: *Begins to sob*
PC's: And you said this was going to be hard
.
ME: *Still sobbing*
PC's: I think we broke him. 
Rock On
Rocko, to quote myself: "What an ass."What? Why?
[[tvtropes.org/pmwiki/lb_i.php?lb_id=12919183980B30760200 Liveblog of]] John Carter Of Mars
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Rocko: That's how I'd sum up that Orc shaman slipping and falling off the pillar. See my story above. Or below (I think it's gonna become one of my catchphrases).
L 5 R again, the same party: me, Blue Oni, Artoo, Osaka. Continuing the battle mentioned in previous story.
Artoo: So, we're burning, they're killing and you're... plumbering. (sorry, untranslatable pun here, replaced by something very close - "plumber" instead of "plunder")
Blue Oni: Can I at least rape someone?
Chief of the Mooks charges at Osaka. He's a Moto Dark Rider. She's an Otaku. As expected, there will be blood. His.
Osaka: What An Idiot.
Me: Yeah.
Artoo: Yep, he's an idiot.
Blue Oni: Who has the lowest Honor here?
Everyone: YOU!
Blue Oni: And I SO wanted to shove a yari in one of his free holes.
Osaka: I think that my Glory precedes me and my skills too much.
Me (about Osaka): That woman is burnin' horseshoes.
GM: He's suicidal. He was rolling 2k1 and rolled 2 and 1.
Me: What an ass.
Osaka just dealt a critical hit to an obscenely overpowered enemy, chopping off his arm and killing him.
Me: You just blew him to fuckin' bits.
Osaka: I-just-blew-an-Oni general-to-fuckin' bits. And thirty samurai saw it.
Osaka Corner:
GM: "There's a way to silence your sword." (Osaka's cursed, telepathic katana acquired a few adventures back and kept as a trophy)
Osaka: That's good, because it composes horrible haiku.
GM: Or else...
Osaka: Abaddon will eat your eyes.
Blue Oni (beat Guild Wars three times): Abaddon can BLOW ME.
Artoo (a bit tipsy): Sober up!
Osaka: That's what he said, the most sober guy in the village.
I've got several.
D&D 4e: Party meets goblin prisoner, who says if they let him go he'll tell them about the dungeon. They accept. Goblin reveals the existence of a pit trap in the entrance, which they had already fallen into. Chaotic Stupid ranger splats goblin dead with scimitar.
Paranoia:
A case where even railroading was not enough: two Troubleshooters (we didn't have a big enough group and Paranoia does not mix well with GMP Cs) are investigating a series of murders; I was GM. To protect the guilty, we'll be calling the T-Shooters Jim and Bob. I gave them a brief blackout in a lift to see who shot whom first. Instead, Jim decides to drug one of Bob's drinks with a sleeping pill. After drinking it, Bob takes a stimulant shot. I decided to have a bit of a chuckle; rolled on the drug combination table, ignored the result, and decided it was 'Demons'. Also, because death would come soon, I ruled mentally that the combination had affected his cerebrospinal fluid and would cause gradually-increasing demon hallucinations, even if he was killed and moved on to his next clone. Hilarity Ensues:
- Firstly, in the transbot compartment in which the first murder happened, one decides that it's a good time to take out the other person by slipping an armed grenade into his bag. Without considering that grenades have a blast radius, and the door was closed. I think we can rule that one a suicide.
- Bob loses a second clone for drinking Bouncy Bubble Beverage outside his clearance. Gotta love that itch T-shooters get in their trigger fingers.
- Bob's demonic hallucinations are beginning to kick in. He sees a clone technician's eyes flash red, and believing this to be a sign of a treasonous mutant power, slips him fifty credits to sabotage Jim's vats and attempts to blackmail him. Needless to say the technician just pockets the plasticreds and walks off.
- On one of Bob's subsequent clones, he sees one of Jim's vat displays alternate between 'human' and 'demon', and duly administers a massive drug overdose. (Seemed a little unfair to Jim, but Paranoia wasn't meant to be fair, now was it?)
- After multiple failures to get anywhere (they had worked out that the murders must have been performed by a jackobot, although that in itself took a bit of NPC help), I took pity and had Jim's secret society contact him with the identity code of the jackobot in question. He missed the point with all the futile diligence of a blind machine-gunner and jumped to the conclusion that this jackobot could help him stitch up Bob, rather than actually being the main objective. He ends up blowing a dozen jackobots at once with the Tactical Fusion Cube (a portable generator represented by a Rubik's cube, with the name inspired by the Star Trek Armada games)...and then Bob, who has gone utterly off the deep end, shoots through the smoke and nails him straight in the chest. Bob's player had worked out three clones back that his character was going crazy, and had decided to just roll with it.
So that's what this does
Said to me recently while I was G Ming a game.
"I don't like it when you whisper to other players and they laugh."
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Another L 5 R adventure, so if you're expecting Osaka Corner, you're right.
Me: Artoo, remind me again, what's your character's name? I can't remember it since three sessions!
Artoo: It's Harodo.
Me: Oh, awright, it's because subconsciously I call him "Oozaru". Y'know what that means?
Artoo: No...
Me: Big Monkey.
Artoo (laughing): Can I change my character's name?
Artoo: So I roll one more die for damage.
Me: Why? Crabber Grabbers?
Artoo is dueling with a Bayushi (Scorpion) bushi. Those guys have the Scorpion Feint, which in First Edition almost completely nullifies the opponent's defense. Round one: Bayushi jumps into action first (two kept dice for Initiative, that motherfucker...) and launches a Scorpion Feint. Artoo tries to maul him (see above: he's the Party Tank with all the finesse of a big-ass hammer), but misses. Round two: Bayushi raises three times, which means a called strike at opponent's head or three additional damage dice, bad things even for a Hida stonewall. Rolls 7k4 for hitting - that means, rolls seven d10, keeps the best four. He needs to roll 20 - according to the rulebook, with a pool like that there's 97% chance of success. And that would mean, Artoo is proper fucked.
BOOM! Bayushi rolls 7, 4, 4, 4, 3, 3, 2. 19 on kept dice. GM's stunned. Cue my Catchphrase:
Me: What an ass... What a spacker...
Artoo just laughs hysterically and then proceeds to beat the shit outta the hapless twat.
And, of course, OSAKA CORNER!
Osaka mumbles to me with her mouth full.
Me: Could you stop talking to me in Arabic?!
Osaka: He's going to turn into a great demon and eat us!
Osaka: HE WAS BANGING WHALES...
Osaka (the richest character in our party, whines while we went shopping): I'm not buying anything, I'm an Otaku, not a mall slut...
edited 10th Mar '10 1:40:56 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
So that's what this does
You know, when your gm describes someone as a middle aged man who appears to be doing some kind of building survey, listen to the rest of the description before you decide to push him around.
So Yeah. He belonged to a race who get strength bonuses. He pushed over the PC trying to threaten him and ran.
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Vampire The Requiem. I play Lex Vincent, Blue Oni plays Jane and Ryu plays Jonathan. We're coming back from Mexico, where we had to whack two traitors.
Me: Just whack'er over the head with your gardening tool. (the "gardening tool" in question was a katana)
Me: Four successes... (rerolls 9s and 10s) Five successes... He pissed me off now. (rerolls another 10) Six successes.
BLAM! Guy gets a fist-sized hole in his guts after I drop the Cloak of Shadows and shoot him with a shotgun at point blank range.
Ryu: Majesty is out, they don't understand what I'm saying. Domination is out, they don't understand what I'm saying. Lex... No. Just... No.
Blue Oni: So, I'm off to drink down four cows...
Me: El Chupacabra!
GM: Well, that myth had to come from somewhere...
Ryu: And they'll be speakingo Inglese... CIVILIZATION!!!
Ryu: So, there was an ugly chick and a mediocre chick. The handsome guy was hiding. (about a pack of Beliars (demon-worshipping vampire bikers) passing by our car... Wait, LEX'S car.)
Lex wakes up and notices her car is missing. She finds it a good bit away, along with the rest of the party.
Me: WHO TOUCHED MY CAR?!
Blue Oni: Him. (points to Ryu)
Ryu: Her. (points to Blue Oni)
I quietly roll dice.
GM: What are you doing?
Me: Aw fuck, I wanted to punch her, but missed.
Lex searches through the big black car Jonathan and Jane stole to get home from LA harbor (we split up in Mexico, because lugging two staked vampires in the trunk would be suspicious and Lex just didn't want to abandon her Crash Camaro). She finds a Desert Eagle and a police badge in the glove compartment. She gets out of the car, showing both items to the rest of the party.
Me: I found this and this. I don't know if we have more luck than brains or are we proper fucked.
Jonathan ordered a six-foot wooden log, a GPS receiver and some other things on Ebay, saying cryptically he has a plan of some kind. Later on...
Ryu: I didn't rape anyone!
Blue Oni: But you're a dendrophile and bought a GPS on Ebay!
edited 14th Mar '10 6:53:15 AM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
OK, this one is some third-hand story I heard yesterday in the local Games Workshop shop, but still funny:
Someone's friend, who likes to tinker with figurines, heavily modified a whole army of them for a scenario where a small Dark Eldar force raids an all-girl school... which turns out to be a convent for novice Sisters of Battle. Cue epic fight between the most depraved xenos in the galaxy and a swarm of ten-year-old girls wielding heavy weapons. Unfortunately, I don't have photos of the miniatures.
"And as long as a sack of shit is not a good thing to be, chivalry will never die."
So that's what this does
At the last minute a player told me he'd have to miss tonight's session. I bemoaned that he was the moral center of the party, the other players angrily refuted this.
In his absence, the players are now driving around in a stolen refrigerated van containing four corpses they plan to feed to their new friends. So Yeah.
I always find creating completely original characters quite difficult and usually combine and remix fictional characters to my concept and make up a name in some obscure lewiscarrolling. With this one I never knew where I was going.
Ok, so the character is a white haired pretty boy, a (comparatively) heroic albino to be exact. Considering that the game takes place in a tropical setting this has some problems but it doesn't matter, the story explains it quite well.
The backstory is about the nature of identity and free will; he was born to what was essentially a blank slate (of which the albinism is retconned to being symbolic) and chose to screw destiny as his only way of actually being an individual (it's also the only thing he screws, not that one would believe it; more on that in the next paragraph). He's an effing genius, so of course he doesn't do anything reasonable, like becoming a scholar or something. No, he becomes a mercenary. And he's extremely intolerant to sunlight so the tropic is an obvious choice, isn't it? He considers this a way of showing genes or background don't matter, only choices.
And the third part: epic ho yay. Hint: if the other elf in your group is gay and yours would be still the second hottest guy even if he's ugly for an elf, prepare for the consequences. Even worse as everything he does is innocent innuendo of some sort or another. Combat tactics? Sneaking and attacking them from the behind. The gay elf needs training? Convincing the rest of the party that the hands on approach is not used becomes impossible. The list could go on forewer.
The moment I realised I had accidentally Kaworu required some effort to avoid cracking up in public. Gotta kill some kittens next session.
edited 25th Mar '10 6:51:03 PM by TheoZXanatos
Not really the funniest story, but just a (Rough paraphrased quote) I had to share:
"What, just because I'm a cleric to a dark god dedicated to domination and the subjugation of all beneath my iron rule, it doesn't mean I can't enjoy pudding!"
Don't take life too seriously. It's only a temporary situation.
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Legend Of The Five Rings. Once again, I play Masaru Shiba, Blue Oni plays Hotaru Soshi, Artoo plays Ozaru Hida and Osaka, well, plays Osaka Otaku.
During previous session, we met a sixteen-year old boy named Kuki (pronounced "Cookie"). Osaka does her best to seduce him. They finally land in bed aaaand...
GM: Kuki is a woman.
Osaka: Squee ^^
Me: Girl On Girl... Is Hot.
Blue Oni: Hurricane Strike should probably destroy a paper-and-wood building, no?
Me: That lightning is better...
GM: The one that destroys the building and the scroll?
Me (nods): Ion Cannon ready.
Me: I got 25 koku and I earned most of it myself!
Blue Oni: You were picking that rice yourself?
Me: No, I was picking FIGHTS myself.
Ozaru wonders if he should buy a die-tsuchi.
Me: If he's gonna use that hammer on horseback...
Artoo cracks up and starts laughing.
Me: He's gonna play polo.
We went to a party that suddenly turned into a huge and serious fight. So, the ladies get rid of some of their heavy court kimonos. Osaka, of course, asks if it doesn't take too long.
Artoo: Of all people YOU should know how long does it take to take off a kimono.
Things you should never, EVER do: make up your own magic items, and give them to the party. It will never end well.
I created a so called 'Jack-in-the-Elemental-Chaos' for the D&D 4e game I'm currently running. It's a box that, when opened, will release some sort of effect based on a 4d roll.
Apart from the enourmous amounth of chaos my players can (and will) create with it, the way they used the box against a gelatinous cube was rather amusing.
Player: 'Alright, with the box under my arm, I run into the cube.' Me: 'Ok, you are now engulfed, will take ongoing acid damage, and are now dazed.
- (next round)
- (next round again)
- Last round of setting this up
The next 10 minutes were spend laughing at the situation that involved a giant shaking pudding, and wondering how a cube could ever be 'prone' in the first place.
gtfo Steve
...Oh god.
Back before I DM'd I played in an online campaign with some friends. I was Gloria Goldstone, a Dwarven Rogue-That-Pretended-To-Be-A-Paladin-For-Golds-And-Lulz.
She had a thing for robbing churches. I think you see where this is going.
We had just gotten to a town and Gloria found the church and announced she was a Paladin. They let her in to pray. Alone.
So she stole an important relic. (NOTE: Unbeknownst to me, she critfailed a Spot/Listen check.) And sold it to a guy in a bar who turned out to work for our Big Bad. Said relic was used to summon 8 Wraiths. And now the Goddess of that church (made-up for this campaign, think Bad Girl crossed with Bastila Rose.) found out and was pissed off to send Divine Retribution at our party.
Said bunch of monsters appears. Que party slowly turning to me:
Party: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
Gloria: ...I didn't not not cause this.
—-
Another time, now I was D Ming with Daddy, my sister Sam, and my brother Zack. This game's goal was to kill the DM. Literally. The DM was god and we had to kill the DM. My brother had Min Maxed and was killing things too fast.
Zack: 20! Yes! Orc goes bye-bye.
Me: (Thinks fast!) SUDDENLY, MORE ORCS LEAP OUT! And we get a Surprise Round.
Zack: (turns to Dad) DAD! THE DM'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
Daddy: That's kind of the point. She's Daddy's Little Villain, yes she is~!
Sam: I'm going to run it Chaotic Evil next time just to spite you.
—-
One Liner:
Me: THE DICE ARE TRYING TO KILL ME
Du: I'd say they're succeeding pretty well.
—-
Another time with Daddy. This was my first campaign and Daddy was letting me DM for the adults. So in an attempt to prove my Killer Game Master cred, I threw a Dire Red Dragon at them. Daddy was playing Grogg the Club, a half-orc who had pretty much all of his points in STR and none in INT. So everyone rolled for peanut damage pretty much.
Cue Daddy rolling 20 and a 00 on the percentiles.
Me: (figures up) ...Aaaaand it falls over dead.
Daddy: Grogg lifts up the dragon's head and asks, "Aww, pretty-pretty no play anymore?"
edited 1st Apr '10 5:54:38 AM by Tofu
be warned, user is known affectionately as The Sneakiest Bastard
Metafan.
An OOC discussion between our DM, Andre Von Gentleman, and a few of the players during a recent session:
Andre: You know, Valhalla's pretty much the best afterlife there is.
X I V Caliber: Hm? Why?
Andre: Think about it. You get to spend all day fighting other people in glorious ass-kicking combat of your choice, then at night everyone comes back to life to feast with the gods!
X I V Caliber: Wouldn't you get really tired from fighting and eating all day and night? When do you sleep?
Andre: You can sleep when you're dead! Remember what I said about everyone coming back to life?
Dreamaniacs do it for the art.
Dm: Finally my strongest minion becomes visible again after being invisible to strike from the shadows
player: remember that readied attack?
Dm: oh... right fire away.
player: I use avalanche assault. (barbarian level 1 daily)
Dm: roll it.
the whole group: F—- yeah Critical hit
Dm: oh shi-
player: rolling 3d12 as bonus critical damage on top of the massive damage from the daily (greataxes=High crit ftw)
total damage done: 60+ total health of mob: 40
this was supposed to be an incredibly hard encounter what with the creature going invisible every turn but this broke it. mind you this was at level one. with a party in absolutely no magical gear.
edited 9th Apr '10 6:25:46 PM by stevebat
Apocalypse: Dirge Of Swans.
While D Ming a very much failed dungeon crawl:
"You can't help but notice as you approach the amulet that the ceiling appears to be moving. As you look up, you notice an intricate mechanical star chart. You find it fascinating that the solar system is portrayed so accurately, since it is largely accepted that the ancients believed in a geocentric- holy crap, is that a werewolf up there?!"
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)