So that's what this does
Just recently, in a science fiction setting, we had arrived to talk to some allies only to find them under siege.
Our ship was extremely rare so the attackers didn't recognise it. We opened fire, drew some of them off.
Have I mentioned how rare our ship is? Nobody on board could fly it. The first kill was thankfully so badly beaten up with energy weapons that our hull shrugged off the impact as we flew straight through it.
At this point the pilot asks "Well can I roll Intimidate please?" we fly around madly getting a few decent hits, then collide with another one. This one is less badly damaged, we get damaged, the intimidate roll is a lot higher and most of the enemies decide to break off and go back to fighting our allies. Whatever insane warrior race flies ships like this they want nothing to do with.
Soon after we spot a bigger ship, some kind of mothership perhaps, fly straight at it with all guns blazing and go straight through the explosion. They leave.
That's right, we won a space battle because we sucked so badly even our enemies didn't want to be anywhere near us.
michael, most badass fightscene ever!
outside the enemies see a terrifying ramming ship filled with Proud Warrior Race Guy types. inside everyones screaming at each other and randomly pulling levers.
"Coffee! Coffeecoffeecoffee! Coffee! Not as strong as Meth-amphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth!"
So that's what this does
It wasn't quite that bad - we knew what buttons did what, it was more on a par with trying to do a handbrake turn in a 16-wheeler when you've only ever driven ferraris. But yeah, Mistaken for Badass all the way.
Yakka Foob Mog
My friend found a homebrew superhero supplement for Wo D (I think it was called "More Than Human" or something to that effect). My character, Homer Snood, fights crime as the masked magician Snoodini.
The thing is, he's not really masked. He wears a garish green suit and hat and 'assumes' noone can deduce his identity. He has an evil hypnotist arch-nemesis that follows him around trying to ruin his life by stealing his groceries and other such diabolical schemes. More or less he has it pretty good for a hero.
Right up until he gets arrested for murdering, destruction of property and stealing some dead guy's wallet.
A few months later, his nemesis springs him from the looney bin to show him the horrible mess he's been making of his life. The dastardly villain has stolen his girlfriend, taken over his stage show, and kidnapped his grandmother! With no time to waste, our hero grabs his trusty throwing knives... oh, wait. Those were taken as evidence.
With no time to waste, our hero grabs his grandmother's butterknives, makes himself a turban out of one of her nightgowns, and runs to the secret lair (upper-middle class suburban domicile) of his nemesis.
- (doorbell rings)
- Nemesis: Hello?
- Snood: HYAAARGH! (tackles. Successfully. With a chance roll.)
- Nemesis: Wh- Snoodini?
- Snood Raja: No, Snoodini is dead and gone. I am... the Snood Raja!
- Nemesis: Well, that would explain the costume change.
- Snood Raja: Enough talk! Where is my- I mean, Homer Snood's grandmother?
- N: I kidnapped her of course. Now, look into my eyes...
- SR: I'm not going to fall for that... (Wait a minute. Snood Raja doesn't know about his hypnotic powers yet.) What are you planning?
A few hours later, Nemesis returns home, having left a hypnotized Snood to do his chores.
- N: (Snaps fingers) That'll do for now.
- SR: RYAAAAAAGHHH!!! (Another successful chance roll. WTF?)
- N: Wh- You could never do that before!
- SR: Let my- er, his grandmother go!
- N: I could, or I could just have you killed!
Enter several [[Mook mooks]] armed with guns ande baseball bats. Snood casts a shroud in the room and quickly dispatches them all with his deadly butterknives. His escape foiled, the Nemesis finally admits he had nothing to do with his grandmother's disappearance. She's been in the hospital all along.
So, Snood visits his grandmother just in time to see her die, gets in a bar fight with an angry invulnerable Irishman (due to some further manipulation on his nemesis' part) fights some drug dealers, lets them go, and tries to pay bus fare with butterknives. To be continued... and made into a comic, if my friend holds up his end of the bargain first.
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
"So we're behind a tapestry?" - Leah
"Yes, a particularly lame tapestry." - Dungeon Master
"Okay, we move through it." - Leah
"Alright! Dimensions! In the middle of the room there's a—why did I put a gong in this room?!" - Dungeon Master
My group's last session ended with me pulling out a Gibbering Mouther as a dungeon's boss battle. Several turns in, the ranger's deer (Named Bambi, whom he had saved from a fire maybe a week before.. The same fire, coincidentally, started by the P Cs a few days before that,) is consumed by the Mouther after a critical deals it more than twice its total HP in damage. All that remained of poor Bambi was a skeleton.
Metafan.
My friend makes up the most hilarious explanations for his backstories.
Nobleman: I! Am a nobleman. And I am going to do a good deed! And adopt these poor orphaned malfus (bird people) children, and induct them into my cul- I MEAN school! Where I shall teach them about the glories of eternal darkne- I MEAN God!
Shivnas (one of the orphans): Yay!
Xivlain (Shivnas's cousin): Yay!
Nobleman: *points at Xivlain* Except you, little boy. You're too insane.
Xivlain: *poor little orphan look, which morphs into insane, twisted rage* HUUUUUMMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNSSSSSS!!!!!
Me: And thus began the Xivlain that would give migraines to his entire group in the future due to his anti-human rage.
Oh, and there was this one time I tried to shoot Xivlain's sickle out of his hands to stop him from killing a party member, only to critically fail and kill the other party member myself.
edited 8th Jan '10 11:45:05 PM by Dreamaniac
Dreamaniacs do it for the art.
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Vampire The Requiem. The party consists of me, Blue Oni and Ryu, my usual L 5 R GM. Moments of hilarity:
Ryu: If a stick doesn't work, use an axe.
Me: I just fucking love your finesse.
Blue Oni: What do you have in mind?
Ryu: What, I didn't torch anything yet.
Me: Look. A free demo.
GM, explaining what The Seven are: They're immune to Majesty, Domination...
Me: ...power drill?
GM: That too.
Me: That sounds bad.
Ryu: Lex, remember. Never drill a brain. Never drill a brain.
Ryu is busy declaring some complex action to the GM. I drop a helpful hint, to which Blue Oni reacts:
Blue Oni: Shhh! He's hunting wabbits!
Ryu's character sends us a SMS: "Get ready to rumble, three cars full of guys, inbound!"
Me, reading the message: Good I just bought a shotgun.
Two of Sheriff's goons paid us a visit to check mysterious bloodstains someone left in our hideout.
Blue Oni: I want to learn how to sleep in earth.
GM: You have a shovel somewhere?
They were serious and actually buried her in nearby lawn for the whole day.
Me (observing them as they're doing it): That's cheap.
A while later, I got a great idea:
Me: You know what? Maybe we could park a car on her?
edited 10th Jan '10 5:42:57 AM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
The Lunatic in Your Hall
Equal parts funny and Crowning Moment Of Awesome:
The GM is running a Street Fighter TRPG game (it's a very well-designed game, art in the book notwithstanding). I'm the group's social face... which means I'm the only one who looks human. The GM, an old-school White Wolf fan, let us use Merits and Flaws from Vampire The Masquerade, as a result of which my Min Maxer allies are essentially a Frost Giant and Vincent from Beauty and the Beast.
We arrive at a tournament, with intentions of turning over key documents after our battles. I go up against this scrawny guy in the first round. Both of us are Ansatsuken fighters; my personal build is mostly Punch-based attacks.
His first move is to run up to me to get in range. I choose to attack with a Backfist. Four damage, more than his Stamina, so he goes dizzy.
He's dizzy next round, so I deliver a Fierce Punch to knock him to the floor.
Third round, he pushes himself upright and tries to Block, but I deliver an Uppercut.
The GM breaks out laughing and recaps the fight: "So at the start, this guy runs in and you just NAIL him across the face. Next round you knock his ass over, last round he's trying to defend himself and you just send him flying."
Three-round KO.
Then the Frost Giant steps in, and his opponent is a Native American. As it so happens, he took the flaw "Hatred (Native Americans)", on the grounds that "If you can't conquer your land you have no right to it"...
Long story short, she only survives by dint of the game copying its source's Non-Lethal K.O. rules.
I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.
Yakka Foob Mog
That's the thing about using the World Of Darkness system. Fights tend to be pretty quick and dirty. Realism before theatrics. Of course, it's supposed to be a less strictly combat-centered game than most.
Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)
Metafan.
One hilarious and one awesome story of my character from my DM's new campaign (same world as the old one, time period is five years later.)
My character is a Cursed Lycan (Mostly human, occasionally wolfy) Myrmidon (Extreme weapon specialist.) He's got an Intelligence score on 9, the lowest I've ever played for a character, but he's not TOTALLY stupid (Wisdom score of 18 balances it out.) His class basically gives me a whole slew of bonuses for using a specific weapon, in my case a longsword. Such bonuses include being able to make any successful standard attack an unconfirmed critical hit and being able to make six attacks of opportunity in a single round, more if any of those attacks happen to kill their target (think Cleave.) His name is Laika, and he's a Romanian gypsy who happened to run into an eastern swordmaster one day. It turned out well, suprisingly.
So, the first "awesome" story. Our group, which is currently down to three characters, is attacked by about nine ugly little grey humanoid things. Laika, is a sort of short-range glass cannon, gets surrounded by enemies on five sides. I have less than half my health left, which is even less than you would expect.
My advantage? Myrmidon's get Whirlwind Attack as a bonus feat. And I can use my "turn successful attack into unconfirmed critical" ability seven more times for the day.
As my DM said, "You are saturated in blood as your enemies take... screw this, they take obscene amounts of damage but don't quite die." Then one of the other characters, who's playing a "Clockwork Doll," grabs one of the enemies I didn't slice to ribbons and throws it into one of the enemies near me.
Two attacks of opportunity.
Then my other friend uses his Psionic multishot ability on some more of the enemies near me. One dies from getting shot in the brain, the other stumbles.
Attack of opportunity.
Our turns end, I get attacked again, reducing me to one health.
My clockwork doll friend rushes over, shoves me out of the way, spooks one of the enemies into dropping his weapon, and then stuns the other with Stunning Fist.
Attack of opportunity, kills, get to make five foot step.
Attack of opportunity against unarmed enemy which tries to run.
And then the last one, weilding a crossbow, tries to run away. Our psionic archer sees him.
Twang. Headshot.
Right, Hilarious moment! This was a day (in-game time) after that last fight. Laika goes searching for something to heal his rather impressive injuries. He meets an apothecary. Conversation ensues.
Laika: Hey, do you have anything that can heal me without giving me massive convulsions? (Healing potions cause extreme pain in this setting.) Merchant: Why yes, we have a magical pool that can heal your wounds! Laika: (Sense motive check. Rolls natural 1.) DM: You think he's blatantly lying. Laika: (@ merchant) Bullshit. Merchant: Ah! We can make a deal! You can try out the pool, and you'll only pay if you're completely satisfied! Laika: (Sense motive check, rolls 16+4) DM: He seems trustworthy enough. Laika: Alright, what the hell.
- one suprisingly effective magical bath later*
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Vampire The Requiem. We had to capture some humans for the Night Doctor, a guy named Vito.
GM (talking to Ryu, see my post above): So, Vito got you some "consciousness remedy". What did you want, ether?
Me: Is it me or does this rag smell like chloroform?
.*cue silliness*
We got a quest involving two vampires that ran away to Mexico. Our task - find them and fuck them up.
Me: Things really went South this time.
We get ready for a trip from LA to Mexico.
Me: Armor? Check. Shotgun? Check. Grenades? Check. ROAD TRIP!
Ryu: Is beating and raping someone appropriate for Humanity at 5 or do I have to roll?
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
The Lunatic in Your Hall
The group's playing Dark Heresy. My psyker is hit with a hallucination grenade. The GM misreads the rules and thinks you roll every round for its effects. In order, he rolls "Bugbugsbugsbugs BUGS!", "You're... one of THEM!", "They're coming through the walls!", "They got me, mother..." and "MY HANDS!"
We're fighting at the top of a windmill, above a large pool of stagnant water filled with alligator-like creatures.
So, the fight as my psyker, Kaltos, experienced it:
Round 1: Bugs erupt from his clothing, and he falls to the ground, fighting them off!
Round 2: As the bugs recede, Kaltos slowly stands, only to realize his allies have turned against him! He leaps into the water below to escape!
Round 3: Horrible creatures suddenly emerge from the water, and he pulls his bolter pistol, firing to drive them away!
(The GM rules that since there actually are monsters in the water, Kaltos can shoot at them instead of firing blind. One of them bites him.)
Round 4: Suffering a mortal round, Kaltos slumps over, sinking into the water and floating as the dead. One of his allies sees him die and begins driving away the monsters, refusing to eat them eat Kaltos's corpse, for the Emperor's servants deserve better...
(Before the next round, one of the alligator-things does a low-level Critical wound to Kaltos's arm.)
Round 5: Kaltos recovers from his comatose state, only to realize that as he was prone, the monsters devoured his hands! He screams in utter horror... and the grenade wears off.
The end result is that Kaltos finds himself soaked, bleeding and wondering where he left his gun. (He dropped it in the water when he thought he was dead.)
I was the GM for the next session. I wrote Kaltos out by claiming he was recovering from the hallucination gases in an Inquisition-owned sanitarium.
edited 23rd Jan '10 3:07:33 PM by Man Called True
I haven't known true fear in a very, very long time.
Smooth as a Skunk
In my first game as a DM, one of the characters, a human scout, was macroentophobic. Another character was a thri-kreen. I'm sure you can see where that's going automatically, but wait, it gets better.
The players take a job to find a missing elf child, and in the process they encounter a foxwoman in human guise claiming to be the protector of the forest (I've forgotten what the 2e creature that originally inspired this encounter was called, but the stats were drawn from a 3e supplement called Kitsunemori), who proceeds to try enchanting the P Cs to be her, well... anyway, she only manages to control the scout; the elf dragon shaman (who should have failed that save but managed to convince me that elves were immune to enchantments - they are in 2e, but this was 3.5, just a bitter note) managed to detect the spell and decided to play along, and the thri-kreen naturally had next to no chance of failing because he's a giant bug, but it didn't really matter.
They get back to her lair, and she orders the other two to "dispose of" the thri-kreen (vague enough, if they'd called me on trying to make them do something to which they were opposed, which they didn't possibly partly because they hate that player, I'd have pointed out I never said "kill"). Well, the dragon shaman does somewhat the opposite, but the scout immediately turns and attacks. The thri-kreen then grabs the scout to keep him from attacking, and they struggle while the dragon shaman fights the foxwoman. Eventually, with the panic of being grappled by a giant insect adding to it, the scout manages to break free of the enchantment... and starts struggling even harder because he's being grappled by a giant insect. It was fun to watch.
(There was also the time the group had to negotiate with an Abeil queen...)
The comics equivalent of PTSD.
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Boy howdy, am I a bastard. Today's Requiem session, GMed by my notorious L 5 R GM. Blue Oni and her BF had the brilliant idea to join a plague cult my character (Nick, the two-bit smartass hustler) didn't want anything to do with. Luckily (for me, not for them) a wee li'l "misunderstanding" between them and a cult member resulted with them lugging the KO'ed cultist to the Sheriff (strike one), who managed to squeeze some important info from her (strike two). During a meeting between the cult and representatives of local Primogen, those two dolts attacked the Sheriff's assistant (strike three) while Nick went off to deal with some pesky sniper who just blew one cultist's head off before we were ready for a fight. After being soundly thrashed by the sniper, Nick managed to stumble out of the alley and noticed that his partners are fighting the wrong people. Being a gambler, Nick knew when to fold'em, snuck to the party's car and left before anyone noticed him being amiss.
Me: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Then, he called the Sheriff to send some backup, of course explaining that his ex-partners pulled some bad shit. Both player characters were taken alive, just to be beheaded in public. Too bad I couldn't humiliate them a bit before that.
The same session, Nick using Auspex to check the cultist's aura:
GM: You can see that her aura is brown...
Me: That looks shitty.
Needs moar friendship.
In today's session (we're playing Pathfinder, incidentally), our group gets ambushed in the street, with a pair of snipers with crossbows up in second-storey windows. So I send my animal companion (a crow) up to divert one's attention.
It ends up killing the crossbowman all by itself and doesn't take a hit.
So, the DM just dropped the bombshell that all of the gods are in fact illusions meant to draw power from worshipers to one specific god. My cleric has been worshiping an illusion. "But wait," I said, "what about all the times I cast miracle?"
"That was your strength of will. In fact, all of your magic has been that."
"So wait, I'm powering my magic entirely with willpower? Okay then. I point my hand at the enemy. A drill shoots out of it and impales him through the heart."
"What?!"
"My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens."
The rest of the session, which should have been dominated by roleplaying realistic depictions of shattered faith, was instead filled with me realizing my cleric was now an Übermensch in the style of Gurren Lagann, and constantly repeating quotes like "Believe in me, who believes in you!" and "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!"
Smooth as a Skunk
Ah - the first game I ever played. We were in a temple. An evil temple. Of elements. It was like... a temple of elemental evil.
Anyway, we ran into a group of enemy-types, while we were disguised as the same sort of enemy-types. A conversation ensued in which the party leader attempted to convince the cleric leading the enemy group, who was onto us but still wasn't yet completely certain we were lying, that we were on their side. Then this exchange happened:
Cleric: "Chaotic Evil doesn't mean Chaotic Stupid."
Party Leader: "Well, Lawful Good doesn't mean Lawful Stupid."
In an even more absurd turn, the DM apparently didn't notice that bit, and we almost convinced them anyway. Of course, our chances of success were probably nonexistent to begin with...
edited 5th Feb '10 10:56:25 PM by Ezekiel
The comics equivalent of PTSD.
...you referenced alignment in character?
I will keep my soul in a place out of sight, Far off, where the pulse of it is not heard.
Smooth as a Skunk
I didn't. The DM and the party leader did. And to be fair it's sometimes kind of ambiguous as far as I can tell, especially in 2e which we were playing, exactly how strongly-defined alignments are supposed to be in-character.
(Also, we're not realy all THAT concerned about fourth wall-ish stuff, except where metagaming starts. Hell, I have an official rule that rolling a 4 on a check will result in your character shouting 'I GOT A FOUR!' Which will not necessarily result in failure.)
edited 5th Feb '10 11:32:04 PM by Ezekiel
The comics equivalent of PTSD.
Rock On
Jeez, it's been years, but I think in my first D&D game, I was Cleric; I almost played as a Cleric of Illmater, the Martyred God, because I wanted to be, well, Good. For some reason, that seems harder than it should.
Okay, so...there's a city that's been wiped out and occupied by Ogres, led by Ogre Magi. So, sneaking in (over the guarded walls) is going to be difficult, a frontal assault would probably be bad, when I come up with magic. Contagion, to be exact.
So, I infect a patrol of Ogres with Blinding Sickness, Red Ache, and Slimy Doom. They go back to the city, and we camp out, and wait.
And then the wailing starts.
We decide to enter the city when we see ogres hurling themselves from the walls to end the suffering. There's ogres lying everywhere, blind, screaming, or, in some cases, melting.
It's at this point I think; Biological Warfare rocks! And wonder if I should reconsider my character's moral stance.
- I ended up cross-classing with Barbarian.
Sooo, Cleric of the Martyred God + rage-R-riffic barbarian + Bond mad scientist?
I think I'd have to play that character with Multiple Personality Disorder. It would be too much not to do it that way.
Rock On
It's been a while, but I think part of the reason he went barbarian was because of the rage and frustration building up inside.
- "Doesn't work...doesn't work, doesn't work, YOU'RE ALL SINNERS!"
The Showrunner of Dzwiedz 24
Legend Of The Five Rings. The party consists of: me (Shiba Masaru, AKA Massacre, aptly named), Blue Oni (Bayushi Hotaru, Scorpion shugenja), Artoo (Hida Oozaru or something like that, big-ass Crab bushi) and Osaka (Otaku Osaka, AKA The Cavalry).
We're attending the wedding of a Tsuruchi maiden and the pet GMPC. One of the attractions: kenjutsu contest. Artoo rolls and quickly fucks up a Mirumoto samurai - to be more exact, whacks him deader than a fence-post WITH A BOKEN (he managed to deal over fifty damage on ONE KEPT DICE). We're cool. Then, he does the same to Osaka, who had to spend all the Void points to avoid getting splattered around the vicinity. I look at the damage rolled and, in disbelief, say loudly:
Me: OH FUCK, A FUNERAL.
Blue Oni (for some reason I can't recall now): Can we leave out my sex life?
And, of course, OSAKA CORNER!
GM (giving us a cryptic prophecy as a blind gaijin NPC): Remember, in the house with stone roof nothing is what it seems.
Osaka: Cool story, bro.
Osaka (looking at the map in the L 5 R handbook): Ooooh, there's a little Cthulhu living in the sea!
edited 7th Feb '10 3:03:27 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis
Vampire The Requiem:
Blue Oni (to the GM): What's the name of Matt's Sire?
Artoo (plays Matt): I'll think about it later.
Hi, I need I'll-Think-About-It-Later's number... Is he some kind of Indian?
My character, an expy of Nick from Left 4 Dead 2, got nicknamed "Ponder" (after Ponder Stibbons).
The party is fighting a vampire, most probably Gangrel, armed with very nasty claws. Artoo and Blue Oni managed to deal a lot of aggravated damage to him using nasty claws of their own and I added two more lethal damage using a pistol. The enemy fought back and Blue Oni's character got almost one-shot-killed. I mutter "Now you got me pissed off, fuckhead." and decide to shoot the guy, declaring "OK, I'm using vitae, that's two more dice, willpower for another three, and that gives me... Thirteen dice, rerolling nines. This time, I'm not aiming for the head." Not aiming for the head causes lighter damage (bashing) to vampires, but...
BLAM! I managed to get five successes (8, 9, 9, 0, 0), reroll four dice, get three more successes (two rerolls), reroll those two again and get one more success, nine in total. That was more than the guy could handle - two bashing damage, then it turned lethal, then all four lethal damage turned into aggravated, and the last success just went off the scale. The guy went "SPLAT". There Is No Kill Like Overkill indeed.
Wanna know what pistol did I use? This here noisy cricket.
◊ S&W 4013 - God, I fucking love .40 S&W ammo in this game.
edited 5th Jan '10 5:30:20 PM by NotSoBadassLongcoat
"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis