Warp That Aesop / Death Note

• To be the greatest detective of them all and save the world, you need to base all of your assumptions off of the findings of dead people. Hey, they're dead, nobody will know that evidence isn't yours—you can be a hero!
• To be the best in your field you should ignore personal hygiene and show up to work in the clothes you slept in.
• Another Note: Hide out in your safe house and have the Fair Cop you've recruited do all the work and then claim credit for solving the case when it's through. If you are the law no one can question you.
• Another one for Another Note: if you rescue the poor little orphan who doesn't fit in, give him a home, steady meals, a stable environment, and the very best in education he will become your obsessed stalker who commits multiple homicides just to get your attention.
• Being an autistic orphan guarantees that you're a genius.
• And if you're not a genius, you're useless, even if you are very good at your job and have lots of experience.
• Self preservation is for pussies. A real detective announces his presence and harasses their mass-murder-suspect-with-an-unknown-weapon constantly.
• Don't try to drastically change the world for the better unless you are prepared to turn into a sociopathic, delusional, potato chip-munching maniac.
• Also, GIRLZ IZ STOOPID.
  • Extension: Women are weak, incompetent and need a man to lead them (and even then they are prone to making mistakes). Once they find him, they should Stay in the Kitchen.
• If you've fallen in love with someone, naturally the appropriate response is to stalk that person, have your crazy friend threaten to kill him, and dress like a whore. Your victim (I'm sorry, BOYFRIEND) will grow to love you eventually.
• ALL PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED WITH HANDCUFFS. If it isn't working, the handcuffs aren't small enough.
• If a complete stranger approaches you, states that he works for the police, and asks to see your ID, believe every word he says without question.
• Never mind if your ideals are completely correct—if you develop a God complex, you must die and your work must be undone. You just wanted to make the world a better place and had to make some insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things sacrifices? Sorry, you're not a nice person, so you lose.
• Killing criminals is only wrong if Kira does it. If you have a badge and official sanction it's a-okay (you can break any number of rules that you like!) and nevermind if you get justice for the families of the victims neglected by a corrupt system, we will execute you like the criminal you are.
• Writing in books is dangerous and evil. It's not a pretty picture. (Dramatic and stylised, perhaps, but not pretty.) Don't do it. Ever.
• Mass-murder is AWESOME!!! There is NOTHING it cannot do. Start slaughtering people today and you too can have a hot girlfriend, steady job, legions of devoted followers, and (drumroll please) . . . world peace! Even if you die! That's right, kids, utopia can be yours, just make sure you start out by bumping off criminals . . . that way, you'll be justified no matter how much of a monster you become. Everything you say and do is right! Just remember these three simple rules: 1) if you think they deserve to die, they deserve to die, 2) if they get in your way, they deserve to die, and 3) if the world isn't a utopia yet, that just means you haven't killed enough people! Act now! Utopia is just a drawn out mass-murder session killing away!
• The only thing more epic than writing in a notebook . . . is eating potato chips. Unless you repeatedly shout "delete" whilst writing in said notebook, then the sheer epic-ness might just make you come to fruition.
• Do nothing. Don't ever try to change the world for the better. Sit around in your room and play with toys all day and you are sure to win at life.
• If your little sister is ever kidnapped by violent criminals kill her immediately because if you save her it will lead to your death.
• If you are really smart then there is somethning wrong with you. Odds are that you're either evil or crazy or both.
  • Normal, well-adjusted genii have only bit parts or die horribly within 30 seconds of getting any screen time (here's looking at you, Matt).
• Being a good student and taking notes is an executable offense.
• The L Diet: Eating lots of candy makes you rakishly thin and a genius to boot.
  • Also apparently you can eat nothing but chocolate and still fit into tight leather pants.
• Light Yagami / L Lawliet died for your sins. BLASPHEMOUS!!!!!
• Smoking kills by getting you shot thirty times.
• If you ignore your shrill, annoying, possibly murderess "hot girlfriend" and you are chained to an exotic young male detective 24-7... you are gay.
• Bored student = future Serial Killer.
• "Justice" apparently means either "mass murder" or "stalking teenage boys." Pick a side-we're at war.
• No, the Power of Friendship will not protect you from Kira.
• Don't pick up trash you find randomly lying around at school.
• Never make mistakes. EVER! If you ever make even ONE mistake it will inevitably, irreparably screw up your life and/or get you killed-probably both. Unless your name is Matsuda...
• On that note, don't ever try to improve yourself. Being the token idiot comic relief is much safer than being a mega-genius, unless your name is Nate River.
• Friendship is deadly. If you make even one friend you will die.
• From the original Death Note Pilot: If you find a strange notebook written in a language that you do not understand decently enough to know what 90% of written words mean, immediately begin to write in it, damned the consequences. After all, this cannot horribly backfire in any way.

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