Hey Kids! Is your puppy boring? Does it just bark and run around, wagging its tail and loving you all day? Don't you just wanna Kick the Dog and tell it to go to Hell? Well go ahead and do that because Trope Co.® has the alternative you have been waiting for!
Introducing the new Trope Co.® Animalistic Abomination™! Never again will your common, garden variety cat or dog or iguana make you an embarrassment at your show-and-tell. Why play fetch with your Siberian Husky when your new Animalistic Abomination™ can just peel its own skin off and assimilate the other dogs at the dog show into an amorphous mass? Your cat just wants to sleep all day? Trope Co.®'s Animalistic Abomination™ can curse the whole town into sleeplessness, leaving hours of fun for you and the neighbors (at least before they all slowly go insane and turn into savage Rat Men). Does your pet Hercules-beetle just sit on its branch all day? Trope Co.® can turn it into a self-replicating swarm and bring about a new strain of Black Death. Just think; no more waiting in-line at Disneyland™!
Just send your boring old household pet to our address at [DATA REDACTED] and we will have that cute little critter speaking in tongues and turning souls in-side out in no time.
WARNING: Do not send any pre-deceased animals, be they tame pets, roadkill or spoiled grocery meat. Violations of said rule will result in [DATA REDACTED] of the half of the planet. By reading this document, you agree to all said terms and forfeit your rights to formal complaints, informal complaints, lawsuits, organized boycotts, protests, honor duels, death by lycanthropy, early bedtimes or piracy and monopolizing of Trope Co.® products.
